Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Two

1. The Transfer window needs to close before the first game
Much has been written about the transfer window this summer, possibly born more than ever from the frustrating and now epically boring sagas revolving around the likes of Bale, Rooney, Suarez and any Real Madrid player. One thing however has emerged as clear as the purest crystal… the transfer window is a terrible idea and the most terrible thing about it is that it shuts a full three weeks after the season starts. Who exactly does this system benefit other than agents? Do players really benefit from not being played because their head isn’t in the right place? (Bale) Or from refusing to play because their head has been turned? (Cabaye) Do clubs or fans benefit from not knowing who the true make up of their squad is prior to starting a campaign? Do bookmakers or gamblers benefit from having to make start of season punts based on lies and hearsay? Take Man Utd for example; right now I make them 3^rd favourites to win the title. If they sell Rooney and buy nobody they’ll slip further away. But buy Ronaldo and Modric and keep Rooney and suddenly they look favourites again (p.s. this won’t happen… just an example… a fan can dream). The most damning thing about the transfer window, in particular the last few weeks once the season has kicked off, is that it has become stale. It was supposed to make things more exciting and over time has done the complete opposite. We just want to watch the football now please, not listen to managers be asked zero questions about the game and twenty questions about who they’re going to buy/sell in the coming days.

2. Is Lucas Leiva the most underrated player in the league?
A line that has been trotted out around 30 times over the last week is that Liverpool are unbeaten since Luis Suarez got suspended. It is a statement that almost defines the type of lazy journalism and punditry we now have to endure week in week out. Whilst true, it takes into account no other outlying factors and works on the assumption that Liverpool are seemingly a better team without Suarez. Which is absurd. No, a key factor for Liverpool’s form since last Easter has been the re-emergence and return to form of Lucas Leiva. Unlike the Suarez suspension issue, it is not coincidence that Liverpool went on their worst run for some 40 years from the moment Lucas got injured at the start of King Kenny’s last season… right up to his return midway through the current reign of Brendan Rodgers. Leiva is criminally underrated. Initially maligned when he joined, seemingly for not being Steven Gerrard, any Scouser worth his salts now recognises the importance of Lucas to Liverpool’s team. Sitting at the base of what has become a fluid 4-3-3; Lucas is a classic destroyer in the mould of Makelele. He does the simple things well and his reading the game has got better each year. Him staying injury free is the only way Liverpool have a punt at finishing in the top 4 this season. It doesn’t matter how good the players ahead of him are, Liverpool are twice as strong defensively and statistically concede 30% less goals when he plays (in the last 4 years). As Utd, Arsenal and Chelsea all look, flail or just keep buying number 10’s until the cows come home… the greatest compliment you can pay Lucas is that he would get in all three of those clubs first XI. 

3. Newcastle need a rethink
When you play at home, to a team managed by Big Sam and you’re even more boring than they are, you’ve got real problems. Newcastle v West Ham on Saturday was the sort of game that could put you off football for life. It was less interesting than the 4^th days play at the Oval, which was entirely rained off. In West Ham’s defence they… well… that kinda of is their only defence really… their defence. But Newcastle? At home after just being thumped by Man City, with a transfer policy that makes Arsenal look busy, they simply had to make a statement. They didn’t have a single shot on target. Not one. At Home. To West Ham. A club who’ve just bought Stewart Downing. For no reason. Sadly for Newcastle, creatively this was bad as it gets. They treated their strikers as if they were invisible and don’t think for a moment that means I’m letting Papiss Cisse off the hook. The striker looked so bored I thought he was just going to sit down at one point. Newcastle are in real trouble, and not just because they employed Joe Kinnear for no logical reason whatsoever. Having recruited every C-list French player in the game, they need a couple of major and crucially English signings to instil a bit of steel back into the team again. How many captains have left Newcastle in the past decade alone? Five or six easy and Coloccini will almost certainly join them if this farce continues. The Geordies don’t have long to put things right and whilst I would never, ever advocate panic buying towards the end of a transfer window that should have shut a fortnight ago… for God’s sake lads panic buy the life out of this window. Go. Go now.

4. Are Spurs genuine title contenders?
No club has had more false starts than Spurs over the past decade. Despite always been kinda there for first the title, then the champions league spots, then the cups… each and every season has seen them fall away and end up with nothing (a token Carling Cup aside). Post Bale that surely looked like being the case again. But Spurs have spent and have spent big. Even with Willian moving to Chelsea (for no reason that I can fathom given they need him about as much as Arsenal need another lightweight, injury prone, occasionally creative midfielder) – Spurs have a solid looking squad which looks set to be added to further before September. But it’s not the numbers this time, after all Spurs have always had a predilection for buying midfielders; it’s the quality of the signings that stands out. After capturing the superb Dembele last year, not to mention Vertonghen, both Paulinho and Soldado walk tall as A-listers. Both have started the campaign well, with the latter already scoring more than Adeboyer did in 30 games last season. Spurs haven’t had the toughest start and it will be interesting to see how they get on at the Emirates for next week. For now though, given they appear capable of keeping clean sheets now as well as scoring goals, I’m happy to say with a degree of confidence that this is the year they may just get in amongst the big boys again.

5. Cardiff deserved to paint the town red
After the opening performances of both these clubs this result seemed about as likely as the second coming. City could have an off day sure, but could Cardiff really score a couple of goals to nick it? No chance. Indeed, following Dzeko’s blistering opening strike the odds on Cardiff winning at all were 40/1. The Welsh team winning 3-2 was well over 100. This, of course, is the Premier League. And whilst the cream rises to the top over a whole season each and every game weeks tends to throw up at least one result that nobody saw coming. This was exactly the sort of match that City struggled in last year, ultimately costing them the title and their manager his job. To see a further £100m ploughed into the team and watch them toil again away to a relegation candidate will surely not sit well with the clubs hierarchy. Joe Hart looks increasingly unstable at the back and whilst excuses can be made with the injuries to the centre backs, the refusal to replace Gael Clichy with anyone who can actually defend appears strange. Toure was as bad as I’ve ever seen him and only Silva and Dseko can walk away with any credit from a front line that failed to spark all afternoon. For Cardiff though, this was an exceptional performance full of determination but also imagination. The front three caused problems all game and as the space opened up in the second half they cut loose several times. They may have changed their kit colour, but the fans won’t mind painting the town red after this effort. After a week of pretty dreary stuff, this was the moment the league woke up from its summer slumber. Let’s hope it’s for good.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week One

1. New season. Same old Emiratshites.
Oh Arsene. Why does it have to be this way? Having spent the last eight summers refusing to spend money, watching as “promising youngsters” failed to kick on and witnessing everyone from the likes of Swansea to Portsmouth actually win trophies, this was supposed to be the one where Arsenal got back with the big boys again. As it is, despite a £70-80m war-chest, the competitors all changing managers and their local rivals probably losing their best player to Real… Arsenal have signed one youth player. Oh Arsene. They have seen big names join other clubs, decide to stay put or just not been available; and their recent bid for Cabaye smacks of the same sort of desperation as the, all be it successful, one for Arteta two years ago. Arsenal don’t need Cabaye, they needed Higuain. With all that in mind then, it was essential that Arsenal started the season with a good result to get the fans back on side. Oh Arsene. The performance on Saturday was essentially the Wenger blueprint for the last 8 years. Toil up front despite bags of possession, lack any sort of steel in midfield, make calamitous defensives errors and watch as your team limply loses to a team they should be beating all day long. Wenger effectively received a vote of no confidence from the supporters trust today and now has two weeks to save his career. It really is that simple. Arsenal will not win a major trophy, let alone challenge for the title with this current squad and Wenger will not be given another year if they finish 5^th. Oh Arsene. I admire your principals in a world filled with financial fair play ignorance I really do. But you’re not Shylock; you’re a manager of the single most profitable football club in the land. And if you mention Abou Diaby returning from injury one more time I will honestly be justified in calling for your head. Literally.

2. Long seasons looms for the promoted clubs.
The opening day fixture list wasn’t kind to the three clubs who’ve come up from the Championship, but a collective scoreline of 0-5 didn’t feel like a one off but more of a sign of things to come. Only Cardiff look equipped to defend their way to safety and none of them look capable of scoring anywhere near the 50 goals mark that you would expect they’d need to have a chance of survival. Granted they will have easier games than away to the two most parsimonious London clubs and home to AVB’s new look Spurs, but it’s hard to make a case for anyone to finish below them. Stoke, Sunderland and Norwich have all been mooted, but in reality it would be a major implosion for any of them to tumble at the expense of Cardiff, Palace or Hull. Although given Mark Hughes and Paulo Di Canio manage two of them… there is at least a chance.

3. Same old Jozzzzzze.
And so the “Happy One” returns. Name sung to the rafters. Players unanimous in their praise. The press lining up to perform fellatio. And a typical Mourinho performance. Great for half an hour, full of pace, power, wonderfully inventive play and inverted wingers. We saw Hazard tracking back. We saw Torres actually hold the ball up. We saw Frank Lampard being Frank Lampard. We saw Oscar looking… well quite brilliant. And then, inevitably, we saw the game played out at walking pace once it had been won. Jose talked about fatigue and in fairness it is week one, but if his front four were so tired we didn’t he make substitutions earlier? Could he not have brought Schurrle and Lukaku on at half time and gone for the jugular? After all, by his own admission the game was over as soon as the second goal went in. Time will tell whether Jose can bring the flair that was eventually his undoing first time around. For now, we were left to endure what is likely to follow for the next ten months… that of a functional, unstoppable and occasionally brilliant Chelsea march to the title. Next Monday will give us more of an indication, especially following Utd’s emphatic opening win. But for me the smart money remains on Jose to recapture his crown. And it won’t be pretty. Except Oscar. Beautiful Oscar.

4. England can still produce good youngsters.
When a friend of mine told me a few months ago that Ross Barkley was as good as Jack Wilshire I laughed at him. He still has a long way to go to be considered on that level, but he certainly made that claim look a lot less laughable on Saturday. Barkley was the man of the match in a pulsating game at Carrow Road that made a mockery of pre-season fitness claims. At just 19, Barkley stands to prosper from the appointment of a manager who will trust talented, ball playing youngsters much more than David “same team every week, regardless of form” Moyes ever did. Indeed, it wasn’t a bad weekend for young English players all round thanks to another solid performance from the continually underrated Tom Cleverly, a fantastic showing from Luke Shaw and the improved “now with end product” Danny Welbeck. For all the talk about the England national team there remains youngsters coming through and the main problem is them getting regular game time to prepare themselves adequately for the rigours of international football. Well, that and the fact we continue to pick the same fucking players no matter how many times they fail… and fail… and fail… and fail… again. I mean is there anyone in the Country who would rather see James Milner in the England side than Ross Barkley or Jack Wilshire. Anyone at all?

5. Will Wayne Rooney leave Man Utd?
Nobody cares Wayne… nobody… fucking cares. I’d honestly rather write about Joe Cole. With a wonderful finish and all round game that made me think it was 2008 not 2013, Cole was instrumental in West Ham starting the season with a bang. Plus much as it’s so very easy to dislike West Ham… it’s very, very hard to dislike Joe Cole. He just seems so genuine, which is a rare thing in football these days. Plus he has, like 100 songs written about him, some of which have been put together by people with way, way too much time on their hands… (check out the p diddy number)

http://www.westhamonline.net/forum_flat.php?6575562%7Ca0_a6_a1_a0

Oh and yeah, I only put this title in place so Pete Wilkie wouldn’t read the entry.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Matthew Letts' Stag Do

1. The Reluctant Stag finally held his own.
For most of Saturday Lettsy drunk beer and downed shots with all the acceptance of somebody held captive against his will. Seemingly ignorant to what might be expected of him having organised a stag do with 26 of Bath’s finest drinkers. And Gunning. Indeed, the first drink I saw him bolt contained the conversation:
“I can’t down that, I don’t have to down that”
“Lettsy, it’s fucking Irn-Bru”
Possibly rejuvenated by Arthur’s Seat and a full three hours of non-drinking, Lettsy emerged for the rest of the weekend in fine fettle. Holding his own and staying on his feet despite truly epic amounts of spirits being poured down his throat. His use of the tactical chunder was key to his success in lasting both days until past midnight. He grew into the centre of attention role that he seemed initially unable to fill and by the end of the weekend had survived despite the best efforts of Fish, Large and “Sambuca Roulette”. That said, despite his achievements on the alcohol front, his complete inability to keep his cock from view whilst wearing a short dress was a real low point. Witnessing one of my oldest friends “swinging loose,” whilst gyrating a pole on a cranked up “fun bus” is an image that will be seared into my retinas forever. And frankly a sentence that I never wanted to write…

2. Bester and Baxter. The double act the Chuckle Brothers wishes they were.
Gunning’s boyfriend aside, the only two people I’d not met prior to the Stag Do were the comedy double act of Brendon Bester and his official translator, Lewis Baxter. Owing to my arrival time and their strange decision to go on a cultural man date (with wine) as opposed to Go-Karting, I failed to witness either party in a state even approaching sobriety. Impossibly leery, their commitment to drinking, abusing and just yelling “fuck off” really loudly was both amusing and impressive. However, it was during drinking games that the couple really shone. Not wanting to be outdone by Baxter’s bid to be the worst “one duck” player of all time, Bester came into his own during several woeful attempts to play categories. Aside from getting almost every answer wrong and drinking 4 shots of Sambuca on his own Saturday night, his ability was best witnessed in the inexplicable decision to choose “deserts of the world” not once, but twice… despite only being able to name four. As it was, I escorted Baxter home Saturday night listening to his speech about never, ever being able to pull a girl with the questionable tactic of never, ever speaking to one. I’m pretty sure Bester went home in an ambulance.

3. Nobody nurses a pint like James Norris.
Firstly, it should be pointed out that my accusation against Norris was made solely in comparison to Large. As it was, questioning a man’s drinking ability on his 23^rd consecutive pint of Guinness was at best, average and at worst downright stupid. There were several huge efforts on the alcohol front this weekend, not least by our Stag, but for sheer, relentless momentum it’s hard to look anywhere but the direction of Jimmer. 24 pints on Friday were followed up by over 15 more on the Saturday. Norris isn’t a flash drinker, there’s no mix or matching going on, no downing shots one minute, necking a pint the next. He just orders a Guinness, drinks it… and 20 minutes later does it again. He appeared sober on Friday night when he escorted me back to my hotel room at 3am. The man consumed over 8,000 calories and 100 units of alcohol within a 40 hour period and was drinking again the next evening to “relax.” The man is a fucking machine. Respect him. Fear him. Just don’t question him.

4. Kilby Junior was King of the Track.
A hugely successful Go-Karting trip saw the young Kilby lad take centre stage in a racing performance full of verve, ability and style. It needed something to pick the visibly jaded troops up come Saturday morning and the beyond surreal “fun bus” did just that. The moment when it came round the bend, pumping Disco bass, with Fish wondering whether we were travelling in the luxury coach across the way summed up better than any words ever could about the organisation of the best man. Once locked and loaded trackside though, the Karting soon separated the men from the Rob Wilsons. A titanic three way shootout between Peters, Bence and Large saw the former snare the silver medal behind the runaway leader. At the other end, a late recovery from Norris saw him climb away from danger whilst Nick “animal” Harris took matters into his own hands by shamelessly ramming first Gunning than myself off the track to ensure he didn’t finish bottom of the pile. Copious warnings should have ensued, but a quick word in the ear of the Steward about the legality of his health and safety disclaimer meant otherwise. Disgraceful. But that’s Londoners for you.

5. Same banter, different city.
In all, it was great to see so many old faces (literally) together again doing what they know best… trying to fuck up Matthew Letts. From  Homer having his own private “questionable shirt off” with Grats, to Coxy and Bradders staggering around like it was 1999… all the way through to Sherring offending Barmaids to Splatty wearing what I’m pretty sure was the same rugby shirt from when I first met him. When I was 17. Jockey, Marshall, Godman, Motty, Bailey, Peters, College (apparently)… too much banter to be contained in 5 easy to digest moderately amusing paragraphs. Great to see the full family Letts there as well, watching on in glee/fear as their brother/son faced his inevitable destruction. The largest Stag Do I’ve attended was easily one of the most entertaining, enjoyable and amusing. And despite the terrible or invisible food, despite the fun bus, despite that dress and despite only 11 people actually managing to climb Arthur’s seat (in flip flops) and sip fine Whisky upon its summit… I suppose you have to give Frank Curran some credit for it. Good job Fish… see you all again for Stag Do a la Bence in 2031.

With a travel pussy.

Five Things We Learnt - The End of Season Awards

In the absence of any genuine 5 things to discuss (I mean… Arsenal qualify for Champions League at the death at the expense of Spurs shock) – the final blog of the season is presented in awards style. So here we go…

Manager of the Year – Alex Ferguson
This one was kind of a gimme, more so given he retired. But with the exception of Swansea & West Brom, no single team punched more above their weight than Man Utd (again) this year. On any given day you’d struggle to put more than 2 of Utd’s team into a Premiership XI, but season after season they challenge through sheer strength of will. That they finished 11 and 14 points respectively above City & Chelsea this year is absurd. And to bow out with a 5 all away thriller of maddening sense… well, so long old man.

Player of the Year – Gareth Bale
The Simian done good. Wonder goals, glorious assists and more match winning contributions than any other player come full time on Sunday. Bale deserves more than anyone on show to be in the Champions League next year. That he may not be, whilst Aaron Ramsey and Bacary Sagna are… is a tragedy and a disgrace. Please move Gareth, Spurs are like a terrific in the sack but ultimately abusive partner. They will keep letting you down.

Underrated player of the Year – Sebastian Bassong
One of many players let go by Spurs last year, and one of many players better than William Gallas, Bassong has had a superb season at Norwich City. He, alongside Michael Turner, has done more than any other player in the Canaries line up to preserve their top flight status. Bassong has kept 10 clean sheets, coupled with 3 goals, in 34 starts for a struggling Norwich. He is a hugely underrated talent and was done a disservice by both Redknapp and AVB at his previous club. Indeed, the season before that he had helped Spurs qualify for and reach the Quarter Finals of the Champions League… so he probably wasn’t all bad.

 

Signing of the Season – Michu
£2m – 22 goals and a League Cup. Enough said.

Villain of the Year – Jose Bosingwa
Not trying, playing crap, getting sent off, losing games, laughing about it – a problem.
Getting paid £100,000 a week to do all this by QPR? Priceless.

Fantasy Football Player of the Year – Richard Hawley the Cat
Got key decisions right all season. Rotated with efficiency and made wise, safe captain choices. Superb double header planning and selected “surprise packages” Michu, Lambert & Fellani from the off. Has earned £250 in tuna.

Worst Fantasy Football Player of the Year – Chris Bence
Narrowly beating out Jess McCallum, Matt Howe, Rob Wilson and the mythically poor Fosu Gharban. Largely due to unlike those people, gambling well over £100 on a “sport” he has no ability* in whatsoever. Continued to select a team filled with players who were rotated or injured and made ill advised mid-season attempt to win back cash already lost. Seemingly for no reason.
*Citation - ability could be substituted for “interest”

Goal of the Year – Robin Van Persie against Villa.
Four words. Pick. That. One. Out.

Bizarre moment of the Season – Eden Hazard
Yeah, Luis Suarez biting someone or Jason Puncheon urinating during a match wasn’t the strangest thing I witnessed on a pitch this year… it was this sequence of events:

·         1. A ball boy lying on a ball to prevent a Chelsea player (Hazard) from getting it during the last few minutes of a match

·         2. Hazard deciding it was a sensible thing to do to kick the ball from underneath the ball boy

·         3. The ball boy feigning injury as if he’d been booted in the ribs

·         4. Hazard being sent off and being surprised about it

·         5. The absurd reaction of the press and pundits about it afterwards – from calls to charge him with assault, to defending him to such a degree that the ball boy should be banned and made to give a formal apology. Both camps were pathetic

·        6. The FA announcing that “a three game ban is clearly insufficient for this incident”

·         7. The FA banning Hazard for three games

Moment of the Season – QPR getting relegated
Drink it in folks. Hughes. Warnock. An idiot chairman. Londoners. Overpaid, underperforming players. Get lost the lot of you. The Championship is too good for your sham of a club.

And finally… the Hindu Monkey official teams of the year:

 

The Best:

Jaaskelainen – Cited as a “weak link” by some earlier in the season. 11 clean sheets and 156 saves later. West Ham may be dull as fuck, but the big Fin has never let the big manager down.
Zabaleta – City’s best player this year. Consistent and added attacking ounce to defensive nous.
Bassong – see above
Ferdinand – Given the abuse he has taken, for both his waning form and questionable international stance, Rio has been marvellous since the turn of the year. Conceded 7 goals in his last 10 starts and commits less fouls than any other defender in modern football.
Baines – Mr Consistent. Played every minute of every match. 11 clean sheets, 5 goals, 7 assists. Moyesy… sign him up. Moyesy, Moyesy sign him up.
Carrick – Utd’s player of the year, lord knows I’ve given him some stick in the past but he has been the one rock in a midfield made of Balsa (and Ryan Giggs) all season. His reading of the game is now genuinely superb, even if his ability doesn’t always match those high levels.
Santi – Arsenal’s most creative force. Like his team mates, he went missing from time to time but for a first season in English football… 12 goals and 13 assists from midfield is a fine effort. Arsenal must keep him and Wilshire together next season and buy a genuine ball winner to play alongside them.
Bale – see above
Hazard – I’ve gone for Hazard over Mata (just) because he’s younger and this is his first season playing for a major club. He has been exceptional, Ballboygate aside. The best dribbler I’ve seen in years.
Michu – goals, looks, a terrible celebration – Michu was made for the prem. £2m. I repeat. £2m.
Van Persie – The best striker in the league – even when he plays badly he sets up other people with his corners and set pieces. 26 goals, 15 assists – 41 in total. Indeed in 38 Premier League Matches this season Van Persie has scored or created a goal in 31 of them. He is a machine. 

The Bench – Cech, Vertonghen, Mata, Fellani, Benteke, Lukaku

The Manager – Ferguson
The Assistant Manager – Laudrup

The Worst:

Green – 1 clean sheet all season, bottom of the league, being signed by your manager to be your new number 1 only for a month later see him sign a better keeper instead. Damning.
Bosingwa – see above
Vermaelen – The Belgium looks a long way short of the player he was 2 years ago. Was finally dropped by Wenger after the Spurs game, despite being club captain, and saw the team go unbeaten for the rest of the season without him.
Samba – Brought to save QPR from the drop. Didn’t. Was dropped instead. On £140,000 a week. Way. To. Go. ‘Arry.
Sagna – I know I already have a right back but I’m playing Sagna at left back just to get him in the team. He is awful. Just awful.
Mikel – the mainstay of my worst eleven of the season and will continue to be so until somebody sells his worthless ass
Sigurdsson – Improved as the season went on but three goals for the money paid for him is a woeful return. Added nothing to the Spurs team and made you forget for long periods how bad Clint Dempsey was playing.
McClean – Superb last season under O’Neill, got far too big for his boots, stopped playing well, was disastrous this time around.
Sinclair – Has played 212 minutes of football all… season… long. Despite not being injured. One of the worst transfer deals, for every party (bar Swansea) in history.
Jelavic – Looked brilliant last year, now looks terrible. So a typical David Moyes striker then? Dear god he better not fuck up Van Persie & Hernandez…
The Entire Forward Line of Stoke City – an average of 0.89 goals per game between the entire squad. Thanks. For. Coming.

The Bench – Turnbull, Santos, Sessegnon, Granero, Adeboyer, Carlton Cole

The Manager – Hughes
The Assistant Manager – Redknapp
The Devil – Pardew

Until next season you fine folk…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week 37

This week’s special 5 things come with a celebratory air about it. And so, in no discernable order, The Hindu Monkey would like to celebrate the achievements of the following:

1. David Moyes
As a rough guess, there have been (adopts voice of Dr Evil) 1 million articles written this week about the retirement of Alex Ferguson and the subsequent appointment of David Moyes. More of the former later, but for now let’s concentrate on the man about to step into what is essentially the Iron Throne. You could have combined the ten best managers currently working into one super manager and there still would be question marks over the appointment. The simple fact is that Ferguson has ruled for so long and with such power that he has become irreplaceable. Legions of fans, myself included bar 3 long months of Ron Atkinson, have no knowledge of life under a different manager. As such there is no longer a precedent at Man Utd for what other clubs have gone through year after year in an increasingly fickle game. One club who have enjoyed stability over the past decade have been Everton. There is a certain cruelty then that they must be the club to suffer from Fergie moving on. Moyes has done a wonderful job at Everton and anyone who criticises his work, or his decision to leave, is not worth his salt. Moyes is an excellent man manager and has done wonders in the transfer market with an invisible budget. He is a competitor, a pragmatist and he is loyal. It’s easy to see why Fergie recommended him to the Utd board. He is far from the finished article though and at 50, is yet to win a trophy or truly manage at the highest level. His away record against the bigger Premier League teams seems more a statistical anomaly than any sort of inferiority complex. After all, he has beaten City away twice since the millions came in and it is only really against Liverpool that his team have come up well short time and time again during his reign. One certainly hopes that record doesn’t continue now he’s managing the biggest club in the land. Utd will be top seeded for the next couple of years whatever happens in the Champions League so Moyes has time on his hands with easier groups to learn the European adventure. A luxury which hasn’t been afforded to Roberto Mancini. There is one area where Moyes will have huge shoes to fill though, and one that has barely been touched upon by the million articles in question. Alex Ferguson was the best rotator of his players in modern football, he kept 95% of his squad happy all of the time and kept them hungry even though they could go a month without stepping on the pitch. Moyes, through squad size more than anything else, has no real experience of that art and at a club like Utd, competing on four fronts, that skill will need to be mastered and mastered quickly. With Mancini’s job in the balance we are about to enter a new season with the unprecedented situation of 4 of the top 6 clubs welcoming new managers. It promises to be one to look forward to far more than this one has been, but for now it would do any Everton fan a disservice not to celebrate the legacy that Moyes has left behind at Goodison. With great power David, comes great responsibility. So please, don’t fuck it up.

2. Frank Lampard
203 goals for a midfielder at this level  is absurd. “Super” Frank lashed in his 202^nd this weekend in classic style before celebrating the Chelsea goal scoring record with a tap in on a plate thanks to the twinkling toes of Eden Hazard. Lampard has averaged a goal every 2.95 games for Chelsea since joining them in 2001. To put that into context Emile Heskey averages 4.49. But seriously, with 17 more crucial strikes to add to his collection this year the decision to throw Lampard to the wolves in the summer is looking increasingly more absurd. The guy has played 48 times this season and has only been injured one in his entire career for more than a couple of weeks. Given its Fergie time I think it’s best to quote the great man who described him simply as “a freak.” And he’s managed Ryan Giggs… Lamps, you’ll never be my favourite footballer, mainly due to your strange homosexual love affair with John Terry more than anything else, but you are a Chelsea legend and a Premier League legend. It will be a worse place without you next year. 

3. Wigan Athletic
It’s hard to describe the emotions of any Wigan Athletic fan over the past 24 hours, but for now let us concentrate solely on the good stuff. Wigan’s win over Manchester City at Wembley, thanks to a late headed rocket from Ben Watson, was the greatest cup final upset in 25 years. It was a victory for every smaller club out there, a victory for every footballer who ever dared to dream the impossible. Wigan’s net Premier League spend has been £7m. Manchester City’s is £481m. These two might play in the same division, at least for another week, but they are leagues apart financially. This has been a cup run from the Gods from Roberto Martinez’s men and they thoroughly deserved this success. City didn’t hit the woodwork six times or see their efforts repelled time after time by a keeper having the game of his life… no… they were simply beaten by a team who played better and wanted it more on the day. You have to feel for Mancini if he is sacked, the Italian once again having to watch both Nasri and Tevez crawl off the park shaking their heads after being replaced. Good luck to any manager uniting that dressing room of egos. For Wigan though, it was day that deserved every accolade and plaudit going. So… it was a real shame that 24 hours later they were almost certainly relegated from the Premier League. Nobody has ever won the FA Cup and gone down, but Wigan will now have that honour unless they pull off the escapes of ALL escapes by winning away at Arsenal and then again at home to Villa. That’s a Villa who thanks to a moment of madness from Benteke and a series of absurd results elsewhere, will be relegated themselves if that unlikely sequence comes to full fruition. I’d love to see Wigan do it, not least because I want Arsenal to drop out of the top four, but if they achieve it this year it they should make the club permanent members of the top flight out of respect for feats of escapology. Congratulations Wigan, the Premier League will miss you.

4. Paul Scholes
I won’t labour this one, although it’s somewhat ironic that a player who craves so little of the limelight has retired twice. Amidst all the hullaballoo this afternoon, the most creative English midfielder of my lifetime slipped out the back door with the sort of speed he normally hurtles into tackles. Scholesly, you were a legend. Farewell. Again.

5. Sir Alex Ferguson
There is nothing that can be said that hasn’t already about Fergie. Simply counting up his trophies means nothing. The man hasn’t just been the best manager of his generation by luck or good fortune, he has done it by evolving time and time again. From man management to rotation, from shifts in formation to game changing substitutions… Fergie has mastered everything at the highest level of football for three decades and has done so though a mixture of class, ability and sheer bloody mindedness. His farewell speech this afternoon could be dissected and pulled apart on many levels as people line up further to analyse and pay their respects, but there were two moments that stood out more than any others. The first was how much passion and belief remains in this great man, turning to the “young players” of his team he bellowed “don’t you ever let this football club down.” The second was the demanding of respect for his replacement. For all Fergie’s faults, he has been the staunchest defender of his fellow professionals over the years. He has attended countless tribunals and personal hearings for his fellow managers and has always reacted fiercely to all who have treated his peers with what he deemed a lack of respect. I don’t know how many Premier League managers have come and gone since Fergie took his place in the Old Trafford dugout, but it’s a lot… and the average length of time a manager is given compared to an underperforming player is a scandal. Addressing the Utd fans, Fergie took time out from his farewell speech to demand the crowd showed David Moyes the same respect he has been afforded – “I'd like to remind you that when we had bad times here, the club stood by me, all my staff stood by me, the players stood by me. Your job now is to stand by our new manager.” With 70,000 fans roaring loudly, it was enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. What we do in life, echoes in eternity… and for this great manager of this gre… I’m sorry, I’ve just quoted Gladiator. 

Ah fuck it, it’s what he would have wanted.

Hindu Monkey Team of the Fergie Era:

Schmeichel
Neville – Ferdinand – Stam – Irwin
Ronaldo – Keane – Scholes – Giggs
Cantona – Van Nistelrooy

Subs: Der Sar, Vidic, Pallister, Beckham, Rooney, Solskjaer

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