5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Five

1. Clubs need to be punished for idiotic fans.
English football had a lot to answer to twenty years ago. Thrown out of Europe, hooliganism and vile, vitriolic abuse were part of the game. Whilst the FA, clubs and supporters deserve enormous credit for turning that corner, there have been signs over the past 12 months that fans are once more at a crossroads. Violent incidents are certainly nothing like they were during footballs dark ages, despite Danny Dyers pathetic attempt to continuously glamorise them; but verbal abuse, be it in the grounds themselves or via social networking, is gathering enough steam that the FA needs to act fast to reign it in. This is an era of high spending of course, the gap between the average footballer and the average football fan has never been wider. Premier League players earn more in a week than most of their supporters could hope to earn in a year. In a double recession and with the country all over the place, there is little wonder that patience is wearing thin, and abuse toward players and teams is now a common part of the game. None of that though excuses some of the behaviour from alleged fans over the past 6 months. The Suarez case, handled so badly by Liverpool it still beggars belief, knocked on to the supporters in such a way that two were arrested for racial abuse and Patrice Evra was booed with every touch, effectively for being black. The same can be said of John Terry and Chelsea, where the clubs supporters continuously chanted “Anton Ferdinand, you know what you are” during matches, an act that went completely unpunished by the FA. As indeed, did their appalling actions during the FA Cup Semi Final when they booed and jeered the remembrance of the Hillsborough disaster. The last fortnight has seen Ched Evans be trialled, convicted and jailed for rape. The woman in question was subjected to horrific online abuse, fans have mounted a bizarre online conspiracy theory and the supporters of Sheffield United have openly cheered Evan’s name during matches. In some quarters seemingly applauding him for his actions. That is unacceptable on any level and whilst the actions of the many far outweigh the few (the majority of Utd fans have condemned both Evans and said supporters), none of that disguises the fact that the FA and clubs have a responsibility that they are currently not upholding. Last year the Turkish FA “punished” a club for constant crowd trouble by only allowing women and children in to watch their next game. 41,000 turned up… there wasn’t any trouble. Managers too have to stand up and openly criticise fans who behave in this way. Dalglish’s crimes have been well documented on this blog, but just this Saturday Tony Pulis became the latest manager to turn a blind eye to his team’s base level idiocy. Asked to defend why his clubs supporters had taken the intelligent view of booing Aaron Ramsey for having his leg broken by one of their own players, Pulis merely replied “I didn’t hear it, I was more worried about their fans booing Shawcross.” Pathetic. Is it any wonder that this problem continues to snowball when Managers won’t come out and slam the actions of their team’s fans? It’s not a blame game, it’s a not a case of “they were more in the wrong than us” – it’s a case of stopping this abuse before it gets out of hand. If the Police can jail somebody for trolling about Fabrice Muamba, they can sure as hell pull out offending pockets of supporters and throw them out of football. The game has plenty of room for “friendly banter” as Dalglish would call it… what it doesn’t have room for is racism, violence, homophobia and the championing of players who have raped women or broken somebody’s leg. Football has come a long way over the past decade, it would be a crying shame to move backwards again now. 

2. Everton have found a striker.

Since joining Everton in the January transfer window, the strange thing about Nikica Jelavic is that he’s looked every bit as good as he did in Scotland. Success at Rangers or Celtic of course, normally being about as accurate a barometer for whether players will cut it in the Premier League as whether or not they’re able to walk. It hasn’t just been the goals, which have been plentiful; Jelavic looks ideally suited to the way Everton play and has already formed an impressive partnership with the returning Steven Pienaar. Strong in the air, quick footed and able to hold the ball up easily, the Croatian also boasts one of the most absurd statistics in the modern era. 45 of his last 50 goals have been scored with but a single touch, including 26 in a row at one point. Everton now look like a real team and if they can hold onto Moyes for just one more season, there is real belief at Goodison that they can go one step further next year. Keeping Jelavic fit over the summer and starting next season in anything like this sort of form would help enormously. That’s the season which starts in August by the way Moyesy… not Christmas.

3. How did Wigan become the best team in the Premier League?
During September, October & November this season Wigan lost nine games in a row. They didn’t pick up a single point for 11 weeks and after briefly arresting the slide, they were then to go another 10 matches without winning another game. This run took them up to February and saw them rock bottom of the Premier League. As with Pups now, it wasn’t so much who would get relegated, but who would get relegated along with Wigan? Since March however, Wigan have been the best team in the league. They haven’t just won matches; they have played Chelsea, Liverpool & Arsenal away, along with Man Utd & Newcastle at home and played them all off the park. They haven’t “got lucky” or just started to “get the decisions.” Indeed, one of only two losses they’ve suffered during this period was at Chelsea to two outrageously offside goals. Had justice prevailed that day, Wigan would have won 6 of their last 7 games having previously won just 3 times in their previous 30! In a season which has consistently defied logic, nobody on earth could have predicted this. McCarthy & Moses look reborn, Franco Di Santo is scoring wonder goals where previously he couldn’t even score tap ins and Gary Caldwell looks like Terry Butcher in his prime marshalling a back three with intelligence and efficiency. This is a proud time for Roberto Martinez and Wigan are now but a point away from staying up, a point which will surely come against Wolves Pups if not before. Despite once taking just 52 fans to an away match, Wigan remain strangely likeable. Dave Whelan may not be everyone’s cup of tea but he is a loyal and passionate chairman who cares deeply about both the game and his club. Wigan have always played attractive, passing football under Martinez, but suddenly, for the first time… it’s actually working. If it keeps them in the division, especially at the expense of either QPR or Azzzzzzzton Villa, then all the merrier.

4. UEFA have to abolish Champions League yellow card suspensions.
During the last World Cup, FIFA finally changed the rules so that any players picking up two yellow cards couldn’t miss out on the greatest day of their lives. This was a long overdue gesture and the question now is why on earth UEFA haven’t followed suit. Seven first team players will miss out on the Champions League final in a few weeks’ time and all but one of them, merely for being booked twice in six matches. The rule is made even more absurd that, unlike red cards, you cannot appeal a yellow. Only one of the six bookings that kept players out of the match could be labelled “stone wall,” the others were highly debatable and the punishment nowhere near fits the crime. Ramires & Ivanovic were arguably Chelsea’s best two players against Barcelona, delivering faultless performances full of heart, skill and stamina. To not be allowed to play in the greatest game of their careers is a scandal. In the last twenty years, a team can now be ensembled which will have missed out on a final that reads Alves, Baresi, Costacurta, Ivanovic, Gustavo, Ramires, Scholes, Keane, Nedved & Wright. That’s a team that could win it. At least some (Scholes, Alves) got a chance to go back and do it all again, but for others, a lifetime of regret for mistiming a tackle is frankly ridiculous.

5. Roy Hodgson for England over Redknapp? 
Well yeah. He's cheaper, he's more experienced, he's won more, he's not a criminal and he won't pick a team captained by Frank Lampard containing Rio, JT, Scholesy & Stevie fucking G.

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Four

1. Fullbacks are crucial to the modern game.
As 4-4-2 has been slowly phased out to accommodate either a 4-2-3-1 or a 4-3-3, fullbacks have become more important than ever when it comes to teams attacking. Top teams will tend to dominate the possession and such their fullbacks will push forward to such an extent that, at home, the formations of the likes of Arsenal, Utd and Barcelona will now resemble 2-2-5-1. Indeed, the likes of Danny Alves & Patrice Evra, often spend over half their time in the opponents third of the pitch. There is a flipside to all this though, in that top teams will tend to have full backs picked on their attacking merit rather than their defensive ones. When those teams do get attacked, especially at pace, the fullbacks are often exposed as both of Utd’s were yesterday afternoon. As you go lower down the league, fullbacks have to do a lot more defending and less attacking. Indeed, you could make a case that the fullbacks of teams like Aston Villa, Sunderland and Everton are much more adept defensively because their games tend to invite the opposition on much more. Another case to consider is centre backs playing wide. This season Arsenal had their best run of form when they played with four centre halves spread across the defence. Whilst they didn’t create as many chances from wide positions as when Sagna and Santos returned, they kept clean sheets, were excellent at dealing with set pieces and didn’t get caught on the counter. The same is true of Manchester Utd, who have always looked more defensively solid with a centre back playing in Gary Neville’s old role. From Jones or Smalling this year right the way back to Wes Brown’s remarkable season where they eventually lifted the Champions League. All of which brings us to the most important question of all. What has happened to the fullbacks that are good going forward and sound defensively? Right now, only Ashley Cole and Philip Lahm seem to tick both boxes. Perhaps there is an argument for converting centre halves to play out wide, Phil Jones for example looks a much better right back right now then he does playing in the centre. Either way, fullbacks remain so crucial because with such congested midfields they are often the only players who can attack at pace with room to move into. Yesterday’s extraordinary match at Old Trafford saw 6 of the 8 goals come from direct involvement through attacking fullbacks, with a staggering 7 seeing errors from the opposition fullbacks en route. Whatever the answer, I can pretty much guarantee the solution isn’t either of the Da Silva twins...

2. This has been the best title race in years.
For all the failings in Europe (twice) from the Manchester superpowers, there is little doubt now that between them they have concocted one of the great title races of the Premier League era. From the explosive, free scoring start to bizarre, left field defeats. Both teams have looked uncatchable one minute and ready to throw it all away the next. It has also been an advert, above all, for how much harder it is to lead than it is to catch. Once the first ten games were out of the way, when nobody really looks at the league table (certainly not Everton fans) the team who has been in second has almost always been consistently playing the better football. Indeed, when Man City looked to have almost wrapped it up in January, at one stage having a chance to go 11 points clear, they crumbled. Just about the only thing more surprising than that collapse was how well they have played over the last three games when suddenly the pressure has been off again. Utd meanwhile, seem duty bound to never do things the easy way. The title was in their grasp with seven minutes to play yesterday and they threw it away to sheer carelessness. Suddenly, we have what every neutral must have hoped for when they saw the fixture list in August. A proper, juicy title decider next Monday night. City are at home and playing better again, but writing Utd off in any match is madness, especially when Rooney is scoring with such careless abandon. The fact that City have to play for the win makes the match even more tantalising. Of course, if City do triumph they may well still stumble the week after against a Newcastle team playing as good as anyone in the land. But for my money, it's winner takes all again.

3. Liverpool should sign the post.
After splashing £75m on the combined non-ability of Carroll, Downing and Henderson, it’s becoming increasingly clear who Dalglish should make his next marquee signing. Liverpool have hit the post 32 times this season and just cutting off the woodwork from the Anfield goal and placing it around the edge of the box would present more of a worry to the opposition than Jamie Carragher now does. There is a thin line between bad luck and god awful finishing and Liverpool have to hold their hands up and say they just haven’t been good enough with their chances. Norwich, Blackburn, West Brom, Sunderland and Everton have all scored more goals than Liverpool this season. Their goal difference of 3 is desperate and their league position an embarrassment to the club. The only answer left to them is securing the post on a long term contract. Not only would it provide them with a better defensive base from which to build from, but it won’t be there when they come to try and finish teams off. It’s also white, which will keep Suarez happy.

4. Arsenal still need RVP firing.
The recently crowned PFA player of the year has not scored a goal from open play in almost 700 minutes. Had he kept up anything like his strike rate from before that period, Van Persie would not only have had 30 goals by now but have been well on target to smash Alan Shearer’s record. More worrying for Arsenal however, is that they’re struggling to score again. The Gunners have scored more than a single goal only once in their last five matches and, despite creating numerous chances, couldn’t put any of them away against a Chelsea side clearly thinking of Barcelona. Arsenal have 3 games left and need to win two of them to be sure of a Champions League spot. With Newcastle breathing down their necks and Spurs with a game in hand and a seemingly straight forward run in, Arsenal need their talisman to bag a few more before the seasons out. They then need to lock him up for the entire summer and not let any team in the world talk to him. Oh and buy somebody to support him who isn’t Marouane Chamakh. A striker who looks and plays like a fox who’s just gone ten miles with the hounds.

5. Barcelona are cracking.
Two defeats in a row, one of which was fatal and Barcelona are in serious danger of finishing a season empty handed for the first time in Pep Guardiola’s ridiculously impressive era. La Liga has gone, Barcelona were tactically out manoeuvred by Madrid on Saturday night in a game that was thankfully short on scandal and histrionics. Real pressed them and out fought them and when it came to the crunch, out finished them. They kept Messi quiet and responded brilliantly to Barcelona’s equaliser. This is their year and Jose will now have won 7 titles in 4 countries in 10 years. A simply staggering statistic for a manager still in his 40’s. Thoughts now turn to the Chelsea game and whilst Barca remain favourites to progress, if Chelsea can score you wonder if Barcelona still have enough left in the tank to finish them off. This has been the greatest team I’ve seen in my lifetime but this season has been difficult for the Catalan’s. Messi has carried them more than before and defensively they seem to have lost their shape. They have failed to score in several matches (notably when Messi has been kept quiet) and in Victor Valdes have a loyal, but error prone shot stopper. Fabregas and Sanchez have, on paper, made them even better but key injuries (most notably in defence and up front) have derailed them. Of course, they remain an amazing team but the sign of a great one is how they respond to adversity. Win La Liga again next year and they will say it was just a blip. But if Guardiola leaves, Jose stays and they bow out to Chelsea on Tuesday then Cesc Fabregas can probably consider himself well and truly cursed. Ah who am I kidding, they’re going to sign Gareth Bale over the summer and in 12 months time Messi will be handing over his title of best player in the world with a humble bow...

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Three

1. David Moyes got it wrong.
Liverpool are the worst team in the league this side of Christmas, with the exception of Wolves (or “Pups” as this blog will now refer to them as) but at Wembley on Saturday David Moyes treated them like superior opponents who he had to stifle and disrupt to have any chance to beat. In short, he showed Kenny Daglish’s squad a respect it simply didn’t deserve. For starters Everton have better players, especially across the midfield where Liverpool continue to field Downing, an out of sorts Gerrard and the woeful Jordan Henderson (it was no coincidence they got better when he was taken off). Secondly they were playing better and, unlike Liverpool, had a striker bang in form. A striker who was continually left isolated against their rivals third choice keeper. The decision to play Distin ahead of Jagielka badly backfired and ultimately Everton paid the price for their negativity. If Moyes had gone two up front against a shaky defence and suspect keeper they could have been out of sight in the first half. Instead he elected to play Tim Cahill for no reason on earth and then drop him totally into midfield when Liverpool equalised. David Moyes has done a marvellous job at Everton given his resources and they are likely to finish above their city rivals for only the second time since he took over. That achievement though, like the first time, is set to be overshadowed by cup success once more. Moyes has a terrible record in derby matches and you sense he has to stop showing Liverpool respect for that to change. Sometimes a little belief and positive thinking can go a long way. Everton will rarely have such a chance to reach a major cup final whilst kicking their rivals whilst they’re down en route. I’m sorry lads, but Moyes bottled it.

2. Martin Atkinson needs to be banned until next season.
The calls for video evidence aren’t so much growing as now reaching the point where you half expect people to take to the picket lines outside FIFA’s offices. As Ashleigh Young gave us all his latest audition for the Olympic diving team, at least the referee had the excuse there was contact and the player was travelling very fast. Martin Atkinson however, following on from his woeful handling of Arsenal v Man City last week, had no excuses whatsoever for a decision that is right up there as the worst since professional sport began. Despite there being four players on the line, the ball clearly going nowhere near over it and the assistant referee unmoved, Atkinson elected to give a goal seemingly based solely on the pathetic celebration of Juan Mata. It’s all very well calling for video technology, but people 80 yards away could see it wasn’t a goal. Nobody in the Chelsea side celebrated except Mata and several of them were equally as baffled as everyone else when the goal was given. John Terry’s idiotic post match comments merely served to rub salt in the wounds (you are allowed to talk to the ref JT, Christ knows you do it enough) and Spurs then surrendered all their dignity in the way that only they can by conceding a hatful. This was another terrible weekend for top level football with poor decisions and games ruined early by inaccurate calls. Atkinson though can have nowhere to hide. If players and managers can be suspended for breaking the rules then the same should be said about referees. He should be stripped of his match fee and thrown into the lower leagues until next season. For an official at this level to be swayed so obviously by a player’s reaction is completely and utterly unforgivable.

3. City might just play better without Balotelli.
Aside from the slightly painful sight of City fans worshipping the performance of Carlos Tevez, this has been an impressive few days for the Sky Blues; who have given themselves half a chance of keeping the title race alive to the last game of the season. 10 goals in 2 games only tells half the story. City have been playing with freedom and guile once more and have refound their finishing touch. They have also, somewhat tellingly, not been playing with somebody they hate on the pitch with them. Whatever Tevez’ crimes, it was always clear his team mates loved him. His work ethic is top notch and his strike rate with the club is as good as anyone in Europe. Ten days off looks to have done Silva the world of good and he was fresh and back to his best against Norwich. On this form City could easily win their last four matches at a canter. If they do though, the debate will be whether Mancini should have cast Balotelli aside before a suspension made his decision for him. After all, the moody Italian wasn’t playing early on in the season either when City were destroying teams at will. That conversation can wait until the summer... for now; it’s just good to see a little bit of suspense as we approach the last few games again.

4. The writing is on the wall for Blackburn.
One of the things that never ceases to surprise me about football is how people make sweeping judgements based on a couple of games (see Garth Crookes for the worst offender). A month ago Blackburn were “safe,” Steve Kean had “turned the corner” and was people were even suggesting he win the manager of the year award. Since then, Blackburn have been in total freefall. They have lost five on the bounce and have Spurs and Chelsea away in four final fixtures they surely need at least seven points from to have any chance of staying up. How they lost against Liverpool in midweek I’ll never know, but they were shocking on Saturday against a stuttering Swansea side with nothing to play for.  With Pups already relegated the smart money is on Venky’s Kentucky Fried Army joining them in the Championship next season. Bolton have games in hand but they’re not easy, Wigan have some momentum and QPR are simply impossible to predict from one game to the next. Whatever happens, this blogist isn’t going to make any sweeping statements that will come back to haunt him in a month’s time. Except that Wolves Pups are going down of course. Because... well, they are.

5. What in God’s name is going on with MOTD2.
The Sunday night show has always tread a thin line between farce and entertainment, but last night’s episode dipped its dirty toe into a sea of televised excrement, before just throwing itself in without a life jacket. The show was a farcical 80 minutes long despite only having one match to cover and a legal obligation to show no more than 12 minutes of highlights. Nobody needed to see the return of Kevin Day; a man who has clearly never played football in any sort of capacity and knows as much about the game as my mother. His “boots and all” feature with the QPR kit-man was base level journalism and one of the worst ten minutes of television I’ve ever been subjected to. This was topped though by the ridiculous amount of time given to just chatting with Jonas Olsson. Initially looking a bit confused, Olsson was full on scared by the end as Murray & Dixon continued to pepper him with questions about Sweden’s International non rivalry with England. Let’s get one thing straight, Colin Murray is a terrible presenter. Adrian Chiles at least had the nerve to ask big questions and seemed to actually know what he was talking about. Murray is a radio DJ being asked to pass judgement on professional sport. He’s worse than DJ Spooney, who at least makes no apologies for who he is. Both the BBC shows needs a serious revamp in the summer, the essence of which needs to see Murray, Day & Shearer be sent to Swaziland without weaponry. Let’s see them make banal comments out there...

(this “journalist” would like to apologise for the last sentence of point five, which could well be read as questionably racist and almost certainly sociologically ignorant.)

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Two

1. The Title is Over.
Going for the title does strange things to people. In the history of the premier league just four clubs have won the championship, managed by just five managers. Five managers... in 20 seasons. That is a remarkable statistic, more so when you consider one man has won it 12 times. Ferguson is now all but certain to pick up number 13 next month, barring a double reversal in form that would be the biggest shock this season of shocks has yet delivered. It is unclear why City have imploded as they have. It’s hard to believe that they can have been looking over their shoulder with such terror at the oncoming Red Devils when they were playing with such wild abandonment earlier in the season. Defensively, losing Kompany for almost half of the games since January has been key. He is even more vital to City than Vidic to Utd because they do not have anyone who is fit to lick his boots in the rest of their defence. He was immense again on Sunday, the one player in the City ranks to emerge with plaudits in another lifeless performance. He is a warrior, a bison, an absolutely brilliant defender. He is the anti-Balotelli. Indeed, had City been on course to win the league he would still get my vote over RVP for player of the year. The latter has been magnificent, but Kompany is by a good 20% the best defender in the league. Injuries always play their part, but like last season the difference between this title race has once again been the managers. Ferguson may have mucked up the cups this year and his team remain a work in progress, but he knows how to win games 1 or 2-0 better than any manager in the business. City are barely midtable on form the past 3 months. Utd have won 8 on the spin and have not conceded a goal in 8 hours. They have fused experience with youth, toughness with pace and in Wayne Rooney have a player in his peak who is dictating the attacks of every game he plays in. His absence for the start of the Euro’s will be more keenly felt than ever. Mancini may keep his job and be given another crack and if there’s any justice he should do. Were it not for Jose Mourinho’s availability he probably wouldn’t even be worried. But Jose looks like he may well be out of Real and is eying the Prem. Balotelli will surely now leave whoever takes over, he may be box office entertainment but his form has been scandalous the last five games. Devoid of heart, effort and team play... he has been a complete disgrace to his club. As for Utd, they keep marching on. But Fergie still must heed the warnings, it may be over stretching it slightly to say this is the weakest Utd team ever to win the league (it’s narrowly better than last year for a start) – but Utd are still a long way short of the top 3 European teams and if City do get Jose, it would probably be in Fergie’s best interests to retire on a high.

2. Crouch should go to the Euro’s.
Now 31, Peter Crouch is currently playing for his 11^th club in as many years. Wherever he is gone he has scored goals, created goals and been a consummate professional. For England his record of 22 strikes from 42 matches is up there with anyone in the game, yet he remains a curiously underappreciated player. Following on from his wonder goal against Manchester City, Crouch struck again this weekend and must be considered the first striker on the plane in June. The first striker you gulp? Well yeah, Rooney aside who can’t play from the start, who can you possibly make a case to be in the squad ahead of him? Daniel Sturridge has been awful since the turn of the year, hardly scoring and lacking the discipline to play down the middle. Danny Welbeck has talent but doesn’t score enough and is still a work in progress. Grant Holt probably deserves a shout but given Bent has been injured, Zamora simply pathetic and Defoe not playing the one man who is coming into the championships in form is Crouch. Indeed, he is the one man available who has a proven international record of scoring goals. In short, it’s a no brainer. Even if you don’t start him, having him on the bench with that record remains the best plan B England have. If in doubt... get the robot out.

3. Why didn’t Harry Redknapp play Pienaar?
The loan system is a curious thing, not just in that it unfairly allows bigger clubs to farm out players in the same division to help take points off their rivals, but in that so many seem to perform better in a different environment. There has been a certain irony to the last two months that the best Manchester City striker has been Adeboyer. But whilst benefiting from that move, Redknapp has also stood there and complained about the availability of Aaaron Lennon. All very well, but he had Steven Pienaar on the bench for most of that time and elected to never play him. Sent back to Everton in January, the South African has returned to his best and was the man of the match in an otherwise ordinary game yesterday. He can play on both flanks and in the hole, two roles which Gareth Bale for starters can’t do. What did Redknapp not see which David Moyes does? We may never know... but Everton fans are certainly smiling again. Four points ahead of their rivals with the cup tie to come. Win that and not only will it make their season, but break Liverpool’s as well. There can be no higher incentive.

4. Were the real officials all away on Easter break?
As refereeing standards slip to even lower depths, this weekend saw a collective pool of ineptitude bubble over to flood the grounds with calls my gran could have got right. Wrong penalty decisions, missed red cards, woeful disallowed strikes and a simply criminal five goals that were allowed to stand despite being over a yard offside. Chelsea for example, scored three goals in two games and not one of them should legally have stood. That isn’t just poor, it’s unforgivable. The time has come for video replies to be used to help referees out with penalty box incidents. Can we at least trial it for god’s sake? Is there any argument to be made against it? I’ve only ever heard “it will slow the game down” (it won’t, it wastes more time seeing people argue for two minutes) or “it has to be the same from the top to the bottom of the game” (so stupid it doesn’t even deserve a reply). Give each manager the option to appeal say two penalty box decisions a match either for penalty calls, off sides or disallowed goals. It would create more tension and drama and crucially stop the wrong teams winning crucial matches. It would end the “big clubs get the big calls” debate and level the playing field. I for one am sick and tired of 90% of post match analysis being about wrong decisions. Our once beautiful game is being lost in a mire of poor officiating and players cheating. It’s time for FIFA and the FA to stop the rot. Now.

5. John Motson has to stop commentating on Chelsea games.
It would probably be easier for everyone if we did the humane thing and put Motty down, but if he must insist on working at the age of 128, then can we at least stop him doing Chelsea games. It’s bad enough that Motty can’t speak or keep up with any game not played at a pedestrian tempo, but he seems to think he’s on personal terms with the Chelsea squad.  In addition to that, his comments rarely make sense and are always followed by an inaccurate and dramatic statement. “Oh that’s a stray pass from Frank Lampard, that’s most unusual for him!” – says Motty as Frank’s needless 85 yard cross pitch long bomb is intercepted. Only in reality even that is giving him too much credit, because in reality what Motty says is “Oh my that’s stra... that’s a stray pass from F... Frank Lampard. That is... THAT’S MOST usual UNSUAL for him. Oh my, yes.” Indeed, is there any other commentator in the game whose speech is more readily followed by the single word... what? Finally though, if for no other reason at all, Motty has to stop being sent to Stamford Bridge because he still cannot pronounce the name of Didier Drogba. Not only does he insist upon always using his full name like he’s a lost lord, but crucially his surname is not pronounced either DrogBAR or DrogBAH. Where have those extra letters come from Motty? Why has nobody had a word with him and said “mate, that’s not how you say his name?” He has to be stopped. I’m begging someone, anyone. Every night after I’ve switched the TV off it’s still there, ringing through my ears the same way Gareth Bales fucking heart celebration actually succeeds in ripping yours out. Goodnight world I think... AND HERE COMES DIDIER DROGBAR!!!!!!!!

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week Thirty One

1. Alan Pardew for Manager of the Year?
I know, even writing it down is like punching myself in the face with a knuckle duster; but whatever your personal opinions on Pardew the man (he’s a cunt) – the case for Pardew the manger is growing by the week. Put simply, his Newcastle team, assembled entirely from the cash of Andy Carroll’s sale (with more to spare) are positive, tenacious and entertaining. They defend well, attack well and have lashes of flare to boot. They are everything that Liverpool are not. Indeed, yesterday’s bizarre comments from the Liverpool squad that they remain “a better team” only served to highlight the truth being quite the opposite. Newcastle have a solid defence with a world class keeper in Tim Krul. The midfield due of Tiote and Cabaye combines creativity with combativeness and is as good as any in the league. Jonas is a fine winger, full of energy and power and with a wonderful delivery to match. Ben Arfa is one of the most talented players in the division, now more so having finally fully recovered from his injury and up front Ba and Cisse are proven goal scorers. The former one of the signings of the season and the latter having scored 7 goals in his first 7 games with his new club. But beyond the players it is Pardew who must take the credit. His scouting network has proved first class and his man management is now beyond dispute. He has made good players better and average players good. He may well be the sort of man who creates his own fake nude pictures, but in a year where most of the top clubs have failed he is Brendan Rodgers only credible challenger for manager of the season. There are now just 5 points separating 4 clubs for the two remaining Champions League spots and all bets are off again. As for Liverpool, now as close to the relegation zone then they are to the promised land of 4^th, a mid-table finish not only beckons, but is fully justified. Unless they win the FA cup in sumptuous style, King Kenny will be picking up my anti-manager of the year award come May…

2. Sunderland will do well to hold onto Sessegnon.
Sunderland fully deserved their draw against City this weekend and on another day could easily have won. Key to their success this season, certainly since Martin O’Neill took over, has been the brilliance of Stephane Sessegnon. The Beninese international is still just 27 and in his peak as a player. He is quick, skilful and has the sort of eye for a pass that better teams than Sunderland are crying out for. He has scored or assisted 18 goals in his last 21 games and Sunderland fans must be wondering if they can retain his services beyond the summer. With Luca Modric overpriced, Sessegnon would represent a serious improvement on the midfields of both Chelsea and Man Utd. Indeed, the thought of him linking up with Rooney is a serious option. After all, if the guy can make Nicklas Bendtner look good, lord knows what he could do with a real centre forward.

3. Villa are in real danger.
Alex Mcleish was always a strange appointment. Aside from him being the manager of Villa’s local rivals, his unique ability to make attacking players worse and creative players boring was always going to leave him open to abuse should things go wrong. Well, with 7 games left to play go wrong they have. Villa have just 33 points and have been spared a brush with relegation so far owing to the collective ineptitude of the teams below them. Indeed if you take away the first 6 games of the season only Wolves have been worse since. Villa still look relatively safe sat 5 points above the drop zone. However the teams below them (not Wolves) are now all playing better. QPR have some momentum, Wigan are putting together an impressive run of results, Blackburn are rejuvenated and Bolton are being spurred on by the whole Muamba incident. Mcleish has to start his team scoring again and ideally not when they’re 2 nil down first. Without Darren Bent and the next four games reading Liverpool, Stoke, Man Utd, Sunderland - it’s squeaky bum time in all the wrong ways for Villa fans.

4. Gareth Bale needs to play on the left wing and nowhere else. Ever. Period.
Man of the match this Sunday, Gareth Bale can only do two things. Run. Hit it. He doesn’t even have a variation on his crosses, he beats his man and pings it across the area. The reason he’s rated so highly though is that when he’s on song he does this better than anyone and is virtually unplayable. This season Redknapp has experimented with playing him through the middle and, more inexplicably, on the right hand side. He has been useless in both roles. Bale has no class or real finesse to his game, other than a penchant for sweetly hit left foot volleys. He cannot see “a killer pass” nor he can really use his wrong foot. What he can do is knock it past a defender, beat him in a race and cross the ball into the box. Bale remains a weapon when he’s on his game. His pace is scary and his ball control is very good. His delivery may not be that varied but it’s unerringly accurate. He HAS to play wide left each and every game and to deploy him anywhere else from now on should see Harry automatically forfeit the England job.

5. We learnt 5 things from Bolton v Wolves alone.
1. Wolves are doomed. Totally and utterly doomed. If they get to 30 points I’ll be shocked. Also has anyone noticed that Terry Connor speaks like a retired Boxer?
2. Penalty challenges/replays/technology would improve the game. Bolton’s pen was a stonewall dive, as was Dseko’s earlier in the day. For fucks sake Fifa/FA at least fine the players afterwards.
3. Bolton can get out of trouble if they keep playing with this much belief and spirit.
4. David Wheater could be the ugliest man ever to play football. Is he just Frankenstein’s Monster combined with Quentin Tarantino? He is 25 and looks like a dying 60 year old.
5. Petrov’s tribute to Petrov was deeply moving. There has been too much false sentiment and back slapping in football these past few weeks. Whilst the support for Muamba and others has been superb, it remains a strange sensation to watch so many people stand up to eulogise over people that ultimately they don’t know. Petrov’s tribute to his friend and namesake on Saturday hit all the right notes. Crucially, it really meant something. One hopes for all his friends and families’ sake, as well as his own, the Bulgarian wins the battle to come.