Teams of the Year – the mid-season interval

The Christmas Cracker XI – the team of the season so far:

Jack Butland
Young, handsome and dashing. Butland has been in imperious form so far this season and boasts more saves, clean sheets and catches than any keeper in the top flight. Stoke are 2 points off 5^th mainly because of him. And diet-zlatan.

Toby Alderwiereld
An inspired signing in the summer, Alderwiereld has managed to do what no other Spurs defender has managed in twenty years. Actually defend.

Chris Smalling
The rock on which Louis Van Gaals house of bore has been built. No single player has improved more over the past 18 months than Smalling. Assured and confident and a genuine goal threat to boot.

Hector Bellerin
The best right back in the league. By absolutely miles. Although he still has ridiculous hair.

Aaron Cresswell
Monreal has also been impressive, but Cresswell gets the nod for having a better delivery on his overlaps. Implausible that he hasn’t got an England cap ahead of Kieran Gibbs.

N’Golo Kante
The unsung hero of Leicester City’s rise to the top. An absolute force of nature in the middle of the park. Expect somebody to break the bank for him in the summer.

Mesut Ozil
An incredible run of form has carried Arsenal to the top of the table thanks to their central playmaker. Assist after assist after assist. Some of his passes this season have left grown men weeping in awe.

Riyad Mahrez
The best player in the world. Right here, right now. Fact.

Romelu Lukaku
Justifying every bit of hype about him and then some this season. Has bought consistency to his game and has formed a deadly partnership with Barkley. Currently the best lone striker in the league.

Odion Ighalo
30 goals in 2015, 14 in the Premier League for a side favourites to get relegated. An incredible effort.

Jamie Vardy
Record breaking goal scoring aside, no striker works harder for his team than Jamie Vardy. He is a lesson to every young footballer out there.

The gone off Turkey XI – the flops of the season so far:

Simon Mignolet
I don’t care if you keep clean sheets and make the odd wonder save, you’re still shit Simon. You can’t catch and you can’t go four games without a howler. 

Branislav Ivanovic
Torn apart by a series of wingers with pace and has depreciated faster than a new car. Now essentially useless.

John Terry
Has fared little better. Time looks to have finally caught up with England’s bravest centre back. Has been central to Chelsea’s horrific form.

Joleon Lescott
A horrible move to Villa and now often can’t get in the starting line-up of the worst team in the league. He’s that bad.

John O’Shea
Narrowly edging out Younes Kaboul on the basis that the latter does, occasionally, have good games in amongst all the bad ones. Sunderland are going down unless they buy four new defenders in January.

Cesc Fabregas
Has been absolutely dog shit since the turn of the year. 

Memphis Depay
Promised to bring pace, directness and free kick expertise to United this summer. Has looked slow, ponderous and not scored any free kicks. Rubbish.

Eden Hazard
29 games without a goal for the reigning PFA Player of the Year, and only two genuine assists in that time, is an absolute joke. Does not look like he wants to play for the club anymore and expect a move to Real or PSG in the summer.

Vurnon Anita
I’m not entirely sure what Anita brings to Newcastle. Other than not protecting the back four or creating anything. Makes Jack Colback look like Xavi.

Aleksander Mitrovic
3 goals and 1 red card is not a great return for £13m. Youth is on his side but Newcastle badly need their star striker to find his goal scoring boots if they’re to stay up.

Wayne Rooney
Two goals in fifteen games is utterly, utterly unacceptable for the captain and central striker of the richest club in the league. Is far from the source of all of United’s ills, but has largely been pathetic all season. No club needs to reinforce upfront in January more than United.

That’s about all I’ve got the stomach for this week after two bottles of Bailey’s in five days. 

Happy New Year one and all.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Is this the future of the Premier League?
For a while now the Premier League has been in danger of becoming a more level playing field. The influx of TV money has not increased the power at the top, but rather pushed everyone from the bottom upwards. The knock on effect has never been more devastating than this season. Whilst the top clubs continue to flatter to deceive in Europe, the league has evolved into an impossible to predict week by week hotpot of drama. The season reaches its half way point on Boxing Day with Chelsea in 15^th, 3 points off the relegation zone and Leicester City top with 38 points. But even beyond those two, we have Palace level on points with the teams in 4^th and Watford just one point further behind. Watford!? A team who still play each week with 9 or 10 of the players they came up with last year? Just 12 points separate 4^th from 17^th – an extraordinarily bunched group when you consider Leicester sit 9 points ahead of that and villa some 10 beneath. So the key question remains. Is this the future? Will we see a time again when 3 or 4 clubs dominate with 15-20 point gaps from 3^rd to 5^th as there has been in the past? It looks unlikely. The Premier League is a brutishly tough league now and the fear factor is utterly gone. Promoted clubs go to Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge, Anfield and all and play open and expansive football with little threat of being torn to pieces. The odd slaughter still happens of course, but one of the strangest trends to emerge over the past few years is that this often seems to involve two supposedly bigger teams, rather than first battering last as used to happen in the past… and still does with alarming regularity in La Liga (10-2 anyone?)

Is all of this of the detriment to our European chances? To the future of the national team? Of course it is. Has it resulted in a better, more entertaining and unpredictable league in return? Yes, yes it has. Bring on the second half.

United fans should be careful what they wish for.
According to reports coming out of Old Trafford, Van Gaal has two games to save his job. Lose either match over Christmas (away to Stoke, home to Chelsea) and he will be shown the door with one of two scenarios happening. Ryan Giggs taking over until the end of the season… or Jose Mourinho taking over from January. All of this surely sounds like music to the ears of many a United fan, bored to a near comatose state by the football over the past few months, results have now turned to go with the performances; and United sit on a worse run than even Moyes ever achieved. But are the two options outlined above really any better? Do United really think having the callow Giggs as manager for half the season will result in more chance of a top four finish than Van Gaal? And what of Jose? A manager who we now know will only ever be a short term solution. A manager who, whilst extremely talented, is arguably the most disliked by fellow fans in the game. And what of his football? Jose has only ever managed one team that could be considered entertaining (Real) and even they had lost their way by the end. His football is clean sheet first, expansive second, just like Van Gaal. And none of that even takes into account how he will react to his current experience? Time will tell of course, and for now the job remains Van Gaal’s to lose. This run surely can’t continue… but at the same time, it’s hard to pick out a player who is suddenly going to turn it around for him.

Saints are in a rut
Five games without a win, with the League Cup battering from Liverpool sandwiched in between, Southampton are in real trouble of unravelling. Their defensive solidity has never recovered following the injury to Fraser Forster, coupled with the loss of Morgan Schneiderlin to Manchester United. But it’s upfront where they’ve struggled of late. The trouble for Saints is that in Pelle, Mane and Long they have three streak players. Capable of hitting eight goals in five matches one minute… and then going on long goalless runs the next. It’s safe to say Saints are currently very much in the latter situation right now. How Koeman must wish he could get the talented Jay Rodriguez back on the pitch again to give them something different in the final third. Saints have Arsenal away on Boxing Day before the fixtures turn a little kinder heading in to the New Year. Koeman needs his team to find their fluidity again and quickly. Whilst a good run can carry you to the cusp of Europe this season, the reverse is also true. The last thing Saints need is a relegation battle.

Klopp is not a miracle cure
Since the victory away to Manchester City, Liverpool have laboured past a woeful Swansea before playing Newcastle, West Brom and Watford and winning none. They have scored just three goals in that four game run, which was what they managed in the first half in that scintillating performance that announced them as a genuine team once again. Klopp tried to play the same way on Sunday, but his team never recovered from the absolute howler that gifted Watford the opening goal. After that Pool fell victim to the quick, counter attacking football coupled with high pressing that Klopp has sought to instil into his own players. Watford were full value for their win and Klopp now has a much better idea of the size of the job on his hands. Liverpool have regularly managed to rouse themselves for the bigger games over the years, but have continued to let themselves down in fixtures that it seems, on paper, they should win at a canter. The squad is young and talented, but they lack the sort of striker their system craves whilst Daniel Sturridge remains on the treatment table. Defensively, if anyone gets behind them they collapse like a pack of cards. Moreno is a sham of a defender. Superb when marauding forward but totally inept when put under any serious pressure. Liverpool have a terrible goalkeeper and an even worse back up one. Martin Skrtel still gets games by virtue of there being no credible alternative, but Klopp could do a lot worse than just buy an entirely new back five in January. Fourth is still achievable by virtue of every serious challenger for that position being equally as shit, but Klopp needs to go back to basics after this performance and rouse his team for the Boxing Day visit of… yeah… Leicester.

Barely believable Leicester related stats of the season

·         10% of all goals this season have been scored by Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez or Odion Ighalo

·         Vardy and Mahrez have score more between them (28) than 16 of the 20 Premier League’s entire squads…

·         Mahrez is, statistically, the best player in the whole of Europe’s top league this season

·         No team has ever finished outside of the top 4 having been top by Christmas

·         5 of the last 6 teams to be top at Christmas, have won it

·         N’Golo Kante has made almost 20% more interceptions than any other player in the league

·         Leicester have lost less games this season than Barcelona and Real Madrid. And the same as Bayern Munich

·         Robert Huth has played 30 games for Leicester. And stepped off the pitch with his team having lost... once…

Team of the Weak (in brief)

Bogdan – An absolute horror show.
O’Shea – Torn apart by Oscar.
Funes Mori – Torn apart by Leicester.
Fonte – Looks half as good as he did 12 months ago.
Moreno – Can’t defend. Can’t tackle and inexplicably not booked.
Wanyama – Not worth 2m right now, let alone 20m.
Mata – Looks to have completely gone. Jose coming probably won’t help…
McClean – Unstable.
Shaqiri – Has shown only flashes of ability. Can’t buy a goal.
Rooney – Garbage.
Pelle – Garbage Man.

What you may have missed                        
Chelsea fans chanting “where were you when we were shit” to their players, before booing Costa and Fabregas from the field; Jamie Vardy not actually scoring a goal… but still setting up two for others; Everton playing with total attacking abandon… and forgetting they have to defend; Harry Kane reminded everyone that he isn’t a flash in the plan; Dele Alli trying to do the same… and so far succeeding; Crystal Palace moving to level points with Man Utd and Spurs in 4^th; West Brom losing their heads; Newcastle and Villa treating us to one of the worst 45 minutes, followed by arguably the best 45 minutes of the season in an inexplicably low scoring, end to end, littered with errors match up; Liverpool fans not talking about the title anymore; or even the top four; West Ham keeping a clean sheet for three games in a row and finally… Sepp “I am still Fifa President, I am not guilty, I am not ashamed” Blatter absolutely, resolutely refusing to go quietly into the night…

Merry Christmas

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey         

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Palace continue to impress
6^th in the league entirely on merit, Palace have taken their game to a new level of late, adding defensive steel to their attacking intent. Palace have a high class squad brimming with talent and full credit has to go to Alan Pardew for the continued success his team are having. There are few more entertaining players in the league than Yannick Bolasie, the Congolese winger is the star on top of the Christmas Tree that Pardew has decorated. Under his current manager, Bolasie has matured into a consistent menace with genuine end product. He terrorised Southampton at the weekend and the 1-0 score line flattered Saints a little. With Mane and Pelle not delivering, Koeman has seen his side slide gradually down the table and needs to find the same winning formula that Pardew currently has to arrest their decline. Palace’s meanwhile, will take their impressive form to the best defence in the land next weekend, as they try and find a way past the house that Jack built.

Butland is breathing down Joe Hart’s neck
Since Ryan Shawcross has returned to action, Stoke have played six games and only conceded two goals, both in a 40 minute spell when their captain was dismissed. During that run, Stoke have built a defensive fortress to which Jack Butland is simply refusing to relinquish the keys to. On form, Butland is far and away the best keeper in the league. He has made the most saves, kept the most clean sheets and is slaughtering every other keeper bar Watford’s Gomes in his Opta stats and, more importantly, Fantasy Football points. Butland is 22, English and breathing down the neck of our number one keeper Joe Hart. To Hart’s credit, he has been superb for club and country since he was dropped in the middle of last season. He was Manchester City’s best player at the weekend as they stole an undeserved win in true title chasing fashion. In a national side which lacks world class players in almost every conceivable position, it should be noted that Goalkeeper is not one of them.

Van Gaal is running out of ideas
First things first, there are no mitigating circumstances when you have spent over a quarter of a billion pounds in 18 months. United may have had a patched up defence on Saturday, but they had a front four of Mata, Depay, Martial and Fellaini, who cost around £140 million between them. United lost on Saturday because they didn’t take their chances and then failed to respond to a Bournemouth side who simply cared about winning the football match more. In truth, playing against the bookies favourites to get relegated this season, United were given a lesson in every aspect of the game. The Bournemouth fans, all 28,000 of them, made more noise than the 75,000 of Old Trafford do on most weeks. The defence was more committed to the cause, the midfield more creative, the wingers faster and more penetrative and upfront Josh King, a player United let go, gave the most expensive teenager in World Football an education in how to play as a lone striker. United never looked like getting back into the game once the Cherries took the lead, and the game came to an end with the defenders pumping long balls seventy yards forward to Fellaini… who had been substituted with 15 minutes left. Van Gaal has ran out of ideas. He cannot get his team to attack as a unit and he cannot coax individual brilliance out of obviously talented players. Each of his forwards look like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders and he has to take responsibility for the profligacy of their finishing and their lethargic approach to attacking. On the other side of the pitch stood Harry Arter, a man who had just lost his new born baby daughter. His performance was better than any single United player this season and no player deserved the victory more. As he walked emotionally off to be hugged by his manager, it was clear how much of a superb job Eddie Howe has done at getting his players to play for him… and to care about the future of this football club. Right now, that could not be further from the truth at United. A once great club getting drained at the teat by the Glazers, the leech like presence of Ed Woodward and managed by an arrogant bastard coasting on past glories. Manchester United are broken, and to be frank, most people couldn’t be happier about it.

Aston Villa surely can’t get out of this
A full 8 points clear from safety, only York City can lay claim to be in worse form in the entire football league than Aston Villa. They have scored the least amount of goals and conceded the most to boot. They have not kept the same eleven in any game and Remi Garde has inherited an absolute train wreck of a side that he has no idea how to pull clear of the debris. Villa have flirted with relegation for a couple of years, indebted largely to the goals of Christian Benteke to pull them clear when it’s mattered. This season Benteke is gone, and Rudy Gestede is in. Surely… surely… this time they can’t survive. When Alan Hutton is your current player of the season… you don’t deserve to be in the top flight. 

The Toon – taking the piss out of bookmakers since the start of the Premier League
What a fascinatingly curious side Newcastle are. Is there any team in the land capable of looking like they’ve never played together one week, and putting together such a seamless, impressive performance the next? Two weeks ago, going one nil down to Spurs would have been the signal for the flood gates to open. Yet Newcastle, buoyed by last week’s hard fought win against Liverpool, inexplicably rallied with match winning substitutions and came back to win the match. How Newcastle fans must crave a season of actual consistency. A season where they never know from one week to the next if they are to get slaughtered or return a famous victory. After being dead and buried in November, Newcastle are now above Chelsea in the league. Not a hugely impressive achievement this season granted, but still amusing to say nonetheless…

Team of the Weak

Mignolet – statistically the most error prone keeper in the league, one can only assume Klopp is contractually obliged to continue to praise him
Clyne – has yet to show his Southampton form for his new club. Solid and dependable but was poor on Sunday and is much less of an attacking threat than Moreno
Bacuna – looks overweight and immobile, was given a lesson by Arsenal
Blind – was pulled all over the place by King. Not a centre back
Mangala – the most overpriced defender in world football. And that includes David Luiz…
Veretout – simply terrible, didn’t deserve to be on the same pitch as the opposition
Mata – touched the ball seven times in the second half, did nothing with it
Rodwell – Who? Exactly
Mane – A poor man’s Bolasie. An absolutely flat broke man’s Mahrez
Kane – Not his day, restricted to shooting from deep and didn’t get involved in the game
Martial – Two good chances, missed them both and looks like he has no idea what to do for the team

What you may have missed                        
Everton absolutely battering Norwich for 45 minutes and then only coming away with a draw… you know, because it’s a game of two halves son; Swansea looking like a completely different team following the sacking of their manager; Watford winning again; Ighalo scoring again; West Brom scoring two goals in a football match; Liverpool scoring two goals in a home football match and Arsenal drawing Barcelona in the Champions League yet again, right after we’ve all praised them for doing so well to finish second in their group…

Oh well, it could be worse Wenger, you could be in the Europa.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey         

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Gegenpressing & Benteke don’t mix

There has been something missing from Klopp’s most impressive results so far this season. His team have gone to Chelsea, City and Southampton and won with a collective score line of 13-3. The problem the German has, is that his £32.5m striker started none of those matches. In all of those games Liverpool pressed from the front and put the opposition on the back foot, forcing them into errors which they would then exploit. Despite playing against the worst defence in the league yesterday, Benteke was unable to do the same and Liverpool lost the momentum and ultimately the match. The simple fact is that Benteke is not a player who currently fits into Liverpool’s system. He is a wonderful plan B, as he proved from coming off the bench in two of the above games and getting in amongst the goals once the opposition was worn down by the high intensity opening hour. But £32.5m seems like a lot for a plan B. Klopp’s reign at Anfield has started impressively, but he has a similar problem to Van Gaal at United, in that his team are set up to play better against the bigger sides. Although that said, at least Liverpool can say they have a plan B, unlike say Chelsea. And when they do click, they actually score goals, unlike United.

Jose has ran out of ideas
Things have gone from bad, to worse, to catastrophic for Jose Mourinho. Beaten at home by newly promoted Bournemouth, themselves on a terrible run of form and not even being able to score against them represented a new low in a season of near permanent troughs. The problem for Chelsea and their manager is that like many managers in the supposed greatest league in Europe, they have no discernible plan B. Jose sets his team up in a 4-2-3-1 and has done so for around 6 years – a slight variation on the initial 4-3-3 that proved so successful during the first two years of his Chelsea reign. This formation relies on several factions working properly, not least the double pivot which has gone badly awry this season. Indeed, the form of Matic and Fabregas has tailed off almost every month since January. But despite their ailing efforts, the key man in such a system remains the 1 up top. He has to be fit, mobile and work hard to create space for the rest of the team. So far this season, Diego Costa has done none of that and is even missing the chances he is getting to boot. He has picked more fights than scored goals and his general presence seems to be distracting the entire team. Why not change formation Jose? Why not give Costa a strike partner for a couple of games and give Oscar a rest from his near terminal decline? Ultimately there is only one way under Jose. It normally works and works well, but when it doesn’t (see the player of the year now not having scored in a preposterous 25 games) he has no idea what to do. Over at Arsenal, Wenger has the same problem. It’s 4-3-3 every week, regardless of the opposition with a high defensive line and a total reliance on a single holding player to keep out the advancing midfield. City likewise and the list could go on to include Southampton and Spurs. At least Van Gaal is fluid with his formations, being able to switch seamlessly from one system to the next. All utterly incapable as each other of ever, ever scoring a goal…

Stoke have finally shed the coat of Pulis
If the money pumped into the Premier League has done anything, it is to bulk up the front lines of numerous mid-table teams to make them more competitive in matches against the bigger sides. Indeed, such is the apparent random nature of the top flight, it’s not even a surprise anymore that we can go through a game week with Manchester City, United, Chelsea and Liverpool not winning… or indeed even scoring a goal. Stoke fans would have laughed at you if you told them a couple of years ago they’d be ripping apart Manchester City with a front four of Bojan, Shaqiri, Arnautovic and Affelay. Players who were at Barcelona, Bayern Munich and Inter Milan when Tony Pulis was still in charge of the Potters. Slowly but surely though, Mark Hughes has turned around this side and is now doing the most impressive job of his career. Stoke now keep clean sheets and score goals… and great goals at that. The pass from Shaqiri for Arnautovic’s second was so sexual you could have made love to it a thousand times. In the most open of open Premier League seasons, Stoke fans have plenty of reasons to be thankful this Christmas.

Gary Monk is in trouble
One win in eleven and in near freefall following their impressive start to the season, Gary Monk is another manager falling fowl of the lack of plan B syndrome that is sweeping our game. Swansea have moved seamlessly between managers over several years, maintaining their attractive passing game throughout. This is the first time though, that the system has badly gone off the rails. Swansea still see plenty of the ball, 60% of it this Saturday, but they are not being anywhere near penetrative enough with it and key players are not performing as they were earlier in the season. Monk is an affable manager who hasn’t suddenly become bad at his job, but he looks faintly clueless as to how to arrest such a shocking decline in form. Managers do not get the support they used to; indeed it’s not exaggerating to say most clubs would have sacked both Mourinho and Monk by now, so they arguably need to be more tactically fluid than ever to keep ahead of the curve. If Monk does go, he will be another in a long line of managers who had one system which worked very well, only to find themselves on the unemployment list as soon it was broken. 

Riyad Mahrez is legitimately the best player in Europe
A couple of weeks ago a report by CIES (think Opta, but even more geeky) ranked Riyad Mahrez as the second best offensive player in Europe’s five major leagues. This was done on a combination of shooting, chance creation, dribbling, distribution, recovery and rigour. Only Robert Lewandowksi ranked above him. On Opta’s own list, based on similar factors but with a greater emphasis on attacking forays, only Neymar sat above him. As of Sunday afternoon, nobody was above him on either list. No midfielder (Mahrez has started at right wing in a 4-4-1-1 for over 80% of his matches this season) is even close to him. He could sit his ass on the turf for five matches solid and do nothing and he’d still be above them. That seems unlikely though… Mahrez is one of the busiest players in the league and it is he, rather than Jamie Vardy, who is the creative hub in the team sitting proudly at the top of the table. The Algerian has scored 13 and assisted 8 more in 20 games for club and country this season. An extraordinary output considering the teams he plays for and his position out on the wing. He is close to unplayable on his day, combining the vision of Silva with the distribution of Ozil and the finishing of… well… statistically, Robert Lewandowksi. Mahrez is just 24 and the tragic thing is that Leicester have absolutely no chance of keeping him past the summer. For that reason alone, one hopes he and his club continue this Cinderella story to its conclusion. In a league littered with bloated wages and big clubs floundering, Leicester are the little kid at the top table who just keeps on eating. Frankly, long may it continue.

Team of the Weak

Courtois – Thrust back into the action following injury Courtois never looked fully comfortable this weekend and was ultimately at fault for the decisive winning goal
Ivanovic – It’s not entirely clear why Ivanovic is still getting games for Chelsea. Azpi on the right, Baba on the left. It’s not hard Jose
Skrtel – A typically sketchy display by Skrtel resulting in an own goal and a defeat
Williams – Swansea’s captain needs to channel the performances he has given for his country to dig his club side out of this rut
Demichelis – Another woeful defensive display from City when Kompany wasn’t on the pitch. Demichelis wandered around like he was off to collect his pension from the post office
Delph – It’s been an indifferent, injury ravaged start to his City career and Delph needs to play better than this to get in the Euro 2016 squad and not leave many questioning the wisdom (cough greed) of his summer move
Fellaini – The Belgian did not play badly on Saturday, but his selection was indicative of the pragmatism under Van Gaal. When will the Dutchman take the handbrake of his team and give his faster, attacking players room to breathe?
Sterling – Horseshit. The guy’s transfer fee is an absolute fucking disgrace (I’d been quite mild mannered this week as well…)
Mane – When Mane & Pelle fail, so do Southampton. They are woefully reliant on the two players to create the spark to break down opposition sides and if either of them don’t turn up, they tend to crash and burn like they did on Saturday
Benteke – Arsenal. Arsenal was where you should have gone Christian
The Norwich City Strike Force – Jerome, Mbokani and Grabban have played for over 1400 minutes this season and scored 5 goals. A rate of one every 4.8 hours. For a team who often attack with wild abandon, that is garbage.

    

What you may have missed                        
David Silva returning from injury and being played off the park by Glen Whelan, who remains perhaps the most underappreciated player in the history of the entire Premier League; Arsenal fielding 5 (five) English players during their win over Sunderland; the entirety of the apparent football match at Old Trafford; Deeney and Ighalo continuing the league’s best double act; and Tony Pulis grinding out a draw vs Spurs and showing all the Stoke fans what they’re now missing.

Nothing. They’re missing nothing Tony. 

Just like at Old Trafford.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey