1. Loftus Road was the place to be
The game of the week was served up not at Old Trafford, Anfield or White Hart Lane, but at the home of Queens Park Rangers who hosted their promoted cousins and now relegation rivals, Leicester City. A five goal thriller which had the usual ingredients of a classic. Superb goals, comical own goals, end to end stuff, fluent attacking football, hopeless defending, copious bookings and fine saves. All it lacked was a red card. These clubs have gone in different directions since that fateful victory over Manchester United. Rangers have grown into the league and whilst still in the relegation zone, a winter fixture list which is considerably easier than the Autumn one they were given, should enable them to slowly climb a compact table. Leicester on the other hand, have just 2 points from a possible 24 since thumping United. They have plummeted to the bottom of the table, look clueless at the back and lack organisation and hope. Pulis has already been mentioned. It’s that sort of league...
2. LVG is finally starting to stamp his authority
Despite the sight of Angel Di Maria clutching his hamstring and departing the field the 41st United player injured this season, things are finally starting to look up under Louis Van Gaal. Back to back victories are always welcome but it was the manner of the performance here that impressed. For the first time this season United played like the team we had got used to under the Ferguson era. They pressed, harried but above all controlled and dominated possession and launched waves of attacks upon Hull’s fragile defence. Far from the finished article, any team that includes Chris Smalling looks vulnerable and the decision to go into the season with two, injury prone specialist full backs and a shed load of wingers as cover always looked suspect. But this was much more like it. For the first time in 18th months the prospect of 4th looked vaguely likely rather than a pipe dream.
3. West Ham won
I’m contractually obliged to do at least one article per team per season so here is my token nod to West Ham. They won. They didn’t concede. The match was turgid other than an hilarious red card. Their two main strikers were injured though and they have a £35m donkey up front again. Yawn this is so boring. Let’s liven it up by quoting from the website of David Gold, their chairman, instead. Which is written entirely in the third person. By himself.
“With his great acumen, there was nothing Gold wouldn’t do for success”
Really David, nothing?
“Keen for others not to benefit from flying him around Europe, Gold Air International was set up, chartering jet travel to the rich and the famous”
What? You total prick.
“David won the Gozo Beacon in 1979”
This is what it’s all about right here.
“The publishing of Gold’s book, “Solid Gold” won a significant personal battle over his despised father”
Moving on...
4. Saints finally humbled
Southampton’s superb run finally ended today as City rocked up, got a man sent off and then proceeded to batter them during a second half which was pretty much the equivalent of spanking someone for getting too big for their boots. Ya Ya Toure’s form seems finally to have come to life in time for the long Winter and up front, the imperious Sergio Aguero continues to border on the unplayable. He should have had another hat trick here, but was denied by the referee, Fraser Forster and finally himself by falling over. He had to settle then, for two well crafted assists that helped his team back up to second in the table and likely to remain in a futile, cyclical weekly loop where they will find themselves never, ever catching Chelsea. As for Saints, chin up, it’s Arsenal next. And anyone can score against them.
Well, except West Brom apparently.
Team of the Weak:
McGregor - Didn’t inspire confidence in the defence. Probably because there was none.
Morgan - Own goal, average rearguard performance, I can’t spell the name of the bloke who plays along side him. But...
Him - You get the picture. Wazialiwsi? Wasikwillie? Passamaquoddy?
Chiriches - A sham of a defender, let alone a right back. Somehow finished on the winning team.
Yoshida - Came on at half time for Schneiderlin and was torn apart.
Tadic - Early season promise has faded into passing the ball six yards and then standing still, or over hitting crosses into the keeper.
Matic - Never really got to grips with the absolute force of nature that is Lee Catermole. Booked for cynical foul.
Sissoko - In fairness to the lad, if you’re gonna kick the ball away on the way to a red card, REALLY kick it away. You go mate.
Arnautovic - Showed great promise last season and looked a shrewd signing. Now is worse than Charlie Adam. Without the ability to strike a dead ball. Or eat pies.
Costa - Should have been sent off, misses the next match, caused people captaining him at fantasy football to swear, kick and probably cry.
Pelle - Hasn’t scored in five league games and looks like he’s permanently carrying a knock. Might just need a break.
What you may have missed:
The fifth point in this blog, a thrilling midlands Derby at Turf Moor, Paul Ince wearing what appeared to be a glittering cardigan on Match of the Day, Liverpool actually not conceding a goal, Diego Costa not getting sent off trying to drop kick John O’Shea in the head, Lee Catermole outplaying Cesc Fabregas, Liverpool actually not conceding a goal, Spurs winning after a Europa league match, Arsenal not conceding a goal on the counter attack and I know I’ve said it twice now but one more time... I mean fuck me folks... Liverpool actually kept a clean fucking sheet.
And fucking Glen Johnson scored! I mean whatever next!? Spurs finish 4th and DON’T sack a manager midseason? Come on now...
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
Sunday 30 November 2014
Sunday 23 November 2014
Five Things We Learnt - apparently...
Sometimes, you have to go back to go forwards. Although not quite that far back Arsene...
1. Will the real striker at the Emirates, please stand up.
Amongst all the drama, comedy and collective ineptitude on show this Saturday teatime, there was a subplot of striking fortune that never really threatened to spill over in to the currency of goals. Much has been written about both Van Persie and Welbeck in the past few weeks and it is the latter who I’d like to tackle from a different angle. Van Persie’s diminishing threat can be illustrated simply by the fact he touched the ball 9 times in open play. The same number of saves that his keeper made. All of which makes the decision to sell a forward with genuine pace and power more of a mystery than ever. The enigma of Welbeck is that he was both a bad signing, a good signing, a bad transfer and a good one as well. The problem with Welbeck isn’t the goals he scores, it isn’t even how to use him, it’s getting over the infatuation with where to use him and how many goals he scores. Making sense? Probably not. So let me put it another way. Danny Welbeck is best, playing wide in a narrow 4-3-3 with overlapping full backs. His best performances for Sunderland, Man Utd and early on for England, didn’t come playing as a number 9 or 10 but when he could stretch opposition defences with runs into the channels and create space for a genuine number 9 to exploit. None of this has changed other than the fact that Welbeck wants to play as a number 9. Well so does Theo Walcott. So does John Terry. It doesn’t mean they belong there. You see, it doesn’t matter if Welbeck scores 10 goals or 15 goals as the central striker. It doesn’t matter if he bags a brace against the might of Latvia. What matters is that he is not and never will be a central striker who scores 30 goals plus. Look around Danny. You’re not Aguero. You’re not Suarez. You’re not Benzema. You’re not even Wayne Rooney. What you are, is a superb footballer who has many assets that can be used to the benefit of your team. Man up, move out wide and let’s end this debate once and for all. Although it’s nice to talk about Arsenal and not just rant about Wenger’s tactics as usual.
I MEAN COME ON ARSENE NINE PLAYERS AHEAD OF THE BALL! AGAIN! NINE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN!!??
Petit... Vieira... it’s like it was all a dream.
2. Newcastle can’t stop winning.
Five wins in a row and one goal conceded, few managers have shown how fickle fans can be and how form is completely and utterly temporary than Alan Pardew. Newcastle are on a superb run that seems unlikely to be stopped by West Ham and Burnley in the next fortnight. They are playing with the sort of confidence that was lost from their ranks earlier in the season. Pardew is many things, most of which are unprintable, but he remains a superb organiser of his troops. There is an element to a Vegas gambler about Pardew and the absurdly long winning and losing runs his teams go on. He is brilliant at keeping his players going when they are getting results but seems almost completely unable to arrest a decline until blind luck kicks in. In a league where 4th is literally anyone’s, it may be wise for Mike Ashley to ride this wave until a couple of games are lost, and then cash the hell out.
3. Liverpool are a shambles.
There is a point whereby amusing puns become pointless. Let’s not waste print here, Liverpool are currently bollocks. Crystal Palace, winless since September and managed by the Premier League equivalent of a kid in a sweetshop, swept aside the Reds of Merseyside in a tidal wave of tactical genius. Attack them. Their defence is completely shit. That’s it. You don’t even have to be clever to beat Liverpool at the moment, you just have to run a bit and get the ball near the box and sooner or later somebody will make a mistake. How much longer can Rodgers justify playing Skertel and Lovren as a pair? I’ve not seen anything as funny in Liverpool since John Bishop left for Cheshire. And Glen Johnson? Glen fucking Johnson? 847 full backs on your books and that’s your decision? Rodgers is on borrowed time. Not because he’s a bad manager, but because he’s making bad decisions. There are rumours that Rodgers has until Christmas to turn it around. Given one of their last games before the turkey is carved is Manchester United, there would be a certain irony if another manager was lost to this fixture in successive seasons.
4. Burnley are going to stay up!
Such is the short-termism of football these days, I’m actually surprised nobody has written this yet. Burnley, full of confidence from opening their win account last week, doubled their tally against a faintly hapless Stoke to move to the dizzy heights on 19th. With Danny Ings fit and firing “anything” is possible boasted Alan Shearer. It’s not though is it. Burnley are going to get relegated and anybody who loses to them at home should be ashamed of themselves. Mark Hughes. Hail the Maestro.
5. Cesc Fabregas is just playing with us.
Let’s cut straight to the chase, Cesc Fabregas completed an astonishing 144 passes against West Brom. The most in the Premier League era for a Chelsea player, the most since Paul Scholes hung up his boots and the third highest in a top flight English match since records began. That’s a pass completed every 37.5 seconds. Or, given the ball is in play for an average of 65% of the time in a match, a pass completed every 24.5 seconds. Every 24.5 seconds? A magnificent effort I’m sure you’ll agree. Although not as magnificent as one man obviously. Delving deeper I discovered that Fabregas joined an elite club of ten players who had made 120 passes in a match more than twice in the past four years? The players? Carrick, Busquets, Toure, Verratti, Motta, Inista, Pirlo, Thiago and Alonso. Between them they have achieved this magical feat 29 times in these past four years.
The one man above them? That would be Xavi. Who managed it 24 times on his own.
In three years.
Keep going Cesc...
Team of the Weak:
Begovic - Garbage error to let Burnley score. Let Burnley score. Let Burnley score again.
Johnson - I’m just going to leave him in here until Rodgers stops picking him.
Dier - Looked terrible, fell over, booked, lasted until half time.
Skertel - Hauled attackers to the ground at will, couldn’t defend a murderer with a smoking gun in his hand, seemingly gives excellent head.
Ok that analogy makes no sense does it? Oh well, just pretend Shearer said it. Moving on...
Wilshire - Missed a sitter, headbutted Fellaini, got injured (again).
Larsson - Did absolutely nothing for 90 minutes. Literally wanders around hoping for a free kick from 25 yards.
Moses - Dived. Shot over. Scuffed pass. Dived. Way to go.
Ramsey - Apparently on the pitch against Manchester United. I’ve yet to see photographic evidence.
Ramirez - It was a harsh red in fairness. But he’d been awful anyway. A player who has really never, ever kicked on.
Van Persie - Complete and utter toilet.
Ulloa - Starting to look like a League One player again by the week...
What you may have missed:
West Ham “resting” their entire front three for the big match with Newcastle next week; Ross Barkley looking irresistible until that last, pivotal moment where he actually has to pass or score; Sunderland boring everyone to death yet again; Man City stuttering past Swansea before their weekly mauling in the Champions League; QPR being bottom of the league despite having played brilliantly for six weeks; Arsenal and Liverpool fighting tooth and nail for the right to be worse than Man Utd this season and Southampton not winning a game for the first time in like forever.
Oh wait they play Monday night? Viva la Saints!
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
1. Will the real striker at the Emirates, please stand up.
Amongst all the drama, comedy and collective ineptitude on show this Saturday teatime, there was a subplot of striking fortune that never really threatened to spill over in to the currency of goals. Much has been written about both Van Persie and Welbeck in the past few weeks and it is the latter who I’d like to tackle from a different angle. Van Persie’s diminishing threat can be illustrated simply by the fact he touched the ball 9 times in open play. The same number of saves that his keeper made. All of which makes the decision to sell a forward with genuine pace and power more of a mystery than ever. The enigma of Welbeck is that he was both a bad signing, a good signing, a bad transfer and a good one as well. The problem with Welbeck isn’t the goals he scores, it isn’t even how to use him, it’s getting over the infatuation with where to use him and how many goals he scores. Making sense? Probably not. So let me put it another way. Danny Welbeck is best, playing wide in a narrow 4-3-3 with overlapping full backs. His best performances for Sunderland, Man Utd and early on for England, didn’t come playing as a number 9 or 10 but when he could stretch opposition defences with runs into the channels and create space for a genuine number 9 to exploit. None of this has changed other than the fact that Welbeck wants to play as a number 9. Well so does Theo Walcott. So does John Terry. It doesn’t mean they belong there. You see, it doesn’t matter if Welbeck scores 10 goals or 15 goals as the central striker. It doesn’t matter if he bags a brace against the might of Latvia. What matters is that he is not and never will be a central striker who scores 30 goals plus. Look around Danny. You’re not Aguero. You’re not Suarez. You’re not Benzema. You’re not even Wayne Rooney. What you are, is a superb footballer who has many assets that can be used to the benefit of your team. Man up, move out wide and let’s end this debate once and for all. Although it’s nice to talk about Arsenal and not just rant about Wenger’s tactics as usual.
I MEAN COME ON ARSENE NINE PLAYERS AHEAD OF THE BALL! AGAIN! NINE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN!!??
Petit... Vieira... it’s like it was all a dream.
2. Newcastle can’t stop winning.
Five wins in a row and one goal conceded, few managers have shown how fickle fans can be and how form is completely and utterly temporary than Alan Pardew. Newcastle are on a superb run that seems unlikely to be stopped by West Ham and Burnley in the next fortnight. They are playing with the sort of confidence that was lost from their ranks earlier in the season. Pardew is many things, most of which are unprintable, but he remains a superb organiser of his troops. There is an element to a Vegas gambler about Pardew and the absurdly long winning and losing runs his teams go on. He is brilliant at keeping his players going when they are getting results but seems almost completely unable to arrest a decline until blind luck kicks in. In a league where 4th is literally anyone’s, it may be wise for Mike Ashley to ride this wave until a couple of games are lost, and then cash the hell out.
3. Liverpool are a shambles.
There is a point whereby amusing puns become pointless. Let’s not waste print here, Liverpool are currently bollocks. Crystal Palace, winless since September and managed by the Premier League equivalent of a kid in a sweetshop, swept aside the Reds of Merseyside in a tidal wave of tactical genius. Attack them. Their defence is completely shit. That’s it. You don’t even have to be clever to beat Liverpool at the moment, you just have to run a bit and get the ball near the box and sooner or later somebody will make a mistake. How much longer can Rodgers justify playing Skertel and Lovren as a pair? I’ve not seen anything as funny in Liverpool since John Bishop left for Cheshire. And Glen Johnson? Glen fucking Johnson? 847 full backs on your books and that’s your decision? Rodgers is on borrowed time. Not because he’s a bad manager, but because he’s making bad decisions. There are rumours that Rodgers has until Christmas to turn it around. Given one of their last games before the turkey is carved is Manchester United, there would be a certain irony if another manager was lost to this fixture in successive seasons.
4. Burnley are going to stay up!
Such is the short-termism of football these days, I’m actually surprised nobody has written this yet. Burnley, full of confidence from opening their win account last week, doubled their tally against a faintly hapless Stoke to move to the dizzy heights on 19th. With Danny Ings fit and firing “anything” is possible boasted Alan Shearer. It’s not though is it. Burnley are going to get relegated and anybody who loses to them at home should be ashamed of themselves. Mark Hughes. Hail the Maestro.
5. Cesc Fabregas is just playing with us.
Let’s cut straight to the chase, Cesc Fabregas completed an astonishing 144 passes against West Brom. The most in the Premier League era for a Chelsea player, the most since Paul Scholes hung up his boots and the third highest in a top flight English match since records began. That’s a pass completed every 37.5 seconds. Or, given the ball is in play for an average of 65% of the time in a match, a pass completed every 24.5 seconds. Every 24.5 seconds? A magnificent effort I’m sure you’ll agree. Although not as magnificent as one man obviously. Delving deeper I discovered that Fabregas joined an elite club of ten players who had made 120 passes in a match more than twice in the past four years? The players? Carrick, Busquets, Toure, Verratti, Motta, Inista, Pirlo, Thiago and Alonso. Between them they have achieved this magical feat 29 times in these past four years.
The one man above them? That would be Xavi. Who managed it 24 times on his own.
In three years.
Keep going Cesc...
Team of the Weak:
Begovic - Garbage error to let Burnley score. Let Burnley score. Let Burnley score again.
Johnson - I’m just going to leave him in here until Rodgers stops picking him.
Dier - Looked terrible, fell over, booked, lasted until half time.
Skertel - Hauled attackers to the ground at will, couldn’t defend a murderer with a smoking gun in his hand, seemingly gives excellent head.
Ok that analogy makes no sense does it? Oh well, just pretend Shearer said it. Moving on...
Wilshire - Missed a sitter, headbutted Fellaini, got injured (again).
Larsson - Did absolutely nothing for 90 minutes. Literally wanders around hoping for a free kick from 25 yards.
Moses - Dived. Shot over. Scuffed pass. Dived. Way to go.
Ramsey - Apparently on the pitch against Manchester United. I’ve yet to see photographic evidence.
Ramirez - It was a harsh red in fairness. But he’d been awful anyway. A player who has really never, ever kicked on.
Van Persie - Complete and utter toilet.
Ulloa - Starting to look like a League One player again by the week...
What you may have missed:
West Ham “resting” their entire front three for the big match with Newcastle next week; Ross Barkley looking irresistible until that last, pivotal moment where he actually has to pass or score; Sunderland boring everyone to death yet again; Man City stuttering past Swansea before their weekly mauling in the Champions League; QPR being bottom of the league despite having played brilliantly for six weeks; Arsenal and Liverpool fighting tooth and nail for the right to be worse than Man Utd this season and Southampton not winning a game for the first time in like forever.
Oh wait they play Monday night? Viva la Saints!
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
Monday 10 November 2014
Week Eleven - The Season So Far
11 games in and with the final international break of the year
upon us, this seems like as good a time as any to digest not just the weekend,
but the season thus far. So, if everybody has recovered from the horrific goal
celebration of Bafetimbi Gomis, let’s move on.
I mean was it a Tiger? A Panther? A stripper? Whatever it
was, let us all pray he never scores again…
The Season Digested:
The season may well be just 29% of the way through, but the
destination of the Premier League title is 100% confirmed. After just 11 games
Chelsea are 1/6 ON to win the top prize with only Man City being offered odds
of less than 50/1 to oust them. A
damning state of affairs which says everything you need to know about the
seasons of Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United to date. The only good news
to come from this, as Jose and his boys wander off to play on a separate field,
is that the fight for the lesser places looks set to be a real thriller. None
of the teams above, plus Manchester City, have defences solid enough to see off
the challengers for a long period. Southampton, Swansea and West Ham look far
better organised and there is no reason why certainly the former cannot have a
say in the big spots this year. Everton look great one minute and clueless the
next and further down the league it’s hard not to look at Spurs and point and
laugh. It doesn’t matter who the manager is, the entire culture of the club
needs to change and I am losing track of the amount of times I have seen their
players give up over the past few seasons. West Ham, in fourth, are closer to
the bottom than they are to Chelsea. After 11 games that is unforgivable.
Chelsea have been good this season, possessing two of the best players for sure
in Fabregas and Costa, but they have not been that good. Put simply,
the others have really been that bad.
Away from the top it’s not a huge surprise to find the three
relegation teams in the bottom three. Burnley have been largely awful and a
narrow win at home to Hull can’t hide the feeling that they are out of their
depth and heading back down to the Championship by March. Leicester and QPR
meanwhile, would be doing great if you combined their first five and last five
games. Whilst Redknapp seems to have finally settled on a line up and formation
that works, Pearson has seen his team plummet down the table after an
impressive start. Both may well stay up at the expense of Crystal Palace, who
do not inspire confidence under the management of Neil Warnock. Villa and Hull
remain poorly placed and devoid of goals and nobody quite does implosion like
teams from the North East. Sunderland continue to struggle one minute, play
beautifully the next; whereas their local rivals Newcastle appear hell bent on
embarking on lengthy runs of looking either completely unbeatable or downright
unforgivable. West Brom have played well in patches but do not have a strong
squad and Stoke have currently morphed into a superb, counter attacking unit
away, whilst being almost completely toilet at home.
Overall? A B- season to date with the title all but over and
the last two weeks being largely devoid of goals. Room for improvement boys,
let’s go and beat Scotland, feel better about ourselves, and go again.
Team of the Weak:
Howard – Hard to avoid Joe Hart after the outrageous fortune/ineptitude
that led to Austin’s disallowed goal, but Tourette’s Tim outdid himself yet
again. One part quick thinking and two parts shameless poor sportsmanship, it was
the most bizarre incident I’ve seen since the Hazard “ball boy gate” of two
seasons ago.
Johnson – An absolute sham of a right back. Tactically naïve, technically deficient and possessing the positional sense of a new born Barnacle Goose.
Naughton – He played better than this when he murdered my 6-a-side in Sheffield this summer. Full marks for that red card though. A tackle so cynical it probably deserved a straight red and a yellow on top.
Chambers – Three English right backs in a row bodes well for the future of our game. Was run absolutely ragged all match. Thank heavens for Nathanial Clyne. Or you know, Chris Smalling…
Fazio – Every signing Spurs make seems to take them further back. A truly terrible performance. Hang your head lad. Keep it hung. Keep. It. Hung.
Ya Ya Toure – Where is the colossus of last year? Looks more disinterested by the game and has been woeful for three big games when City needed him. If it wasn’t for Aguero they’d be 16th.
Di Maria – Attempted to beat three players every time he got the ball. Never did. And hit 17 corners into the first man. £60m. Go Woodward.
Jenas – Didn’t play obviously, because he’s toilet and actually now a free agent at the age of 31. But proved he was EVEN WORSE at punditry with a performance on MOTD about as inspiring as his late career. And what was that shirt/cardigan combo all about? Come on Jermaine, off you go now, quietly into the night.
Ramsey – Was last season an illusion? Currently can’t pass, can’t shoot and can’t tackle. Just wandering around confused. Much like his boss.
Balotelli – Ok stop now Brendan, it was funny for a bit, but now it’s just tragic.
Lukaku – Shit.
Johnson – An absolute sham of a right back. Tactically naïve, technically deficient and possessing the positional sense of a new born Barnacle Goose.
Naughton – He played better than this when he murdered my 6-a-side in Sheffield this summer. Full marks for that red card though. A tackle so cynical it probably deserved a straight red and a yellow on top.
Chambers – Three English right backs in a row bodes well for the future of our game. Was run absolutely ragged all match. Thank heavens for Nathanial Clyne. Or you know, Chris Smalling…
Fazio – Every signing Spurs make seems to take them further back. A truly terrible performance. Hang your head lad. Keep it hung. Keep. It. Hung.
Ya Ya Toure – Where is the colossus of last year? Looks more disinterested by the game and has been woeful for three big games when City needed him. If it wasn’t for Aguero they’d be 16th.
Di Maria – Attempted to beat three players every time he got the ball. Never did. And hit 17 corners into the first man. £60m. Go Woodward.
Jenas – Didn’t play obviously, because he’s toilet and actually now a free agent at the age of 31. But proved he was EVEN WORSE at punditry with a performance on MOTD about as inspiring as his late career. And what was that shirt/cardigan combo all about? Come on Jermaine, off you go now, quietly into the night.
Ramsey – Was last season an illusion? Currently can’t pass, can’t shoot and can’t tackle. Just wandering around confused. Much like his boss.
Balotelli – Ok stop now Brendan, it was funny for a bit, but now it’s just tragic.
Lukaku – Shit.
Manager of the Week:
Brendan Rodgers – dropping everyone who played well in Madrid
and replacing them with the players who have been complete toilet for the last
month. Watched those players be… complete toilet.
Goal of the Week:
The Sig rocket that burst the back of the Arsenal net. The Aguero
first would have been worth a shout. Had it not been offside and a handball. I’m
watching you Kun…
Fantasy Football
Disaster of the Week:
Backing a Spurs clean sheet at home to Stoke. Or going for
the left field, sure to profit, home to Villa option of captaining a West Ham
striker. Your muppet.
Comment of the Week:
Joey Barton on Rickie Lambert getting in the England squad
ahead of Charlie Austin “if you’re not playing for Liverpool, who can’t hit a
cow’s arse with a banjo, how do you get into the England squad?”
It’s a fair point Joey. Although it’s not as insane as Chris
Smalling STILL being there.
What you may have
missed:
Burnley winning a game. Ben Arfa apparently being on a
football pitch. Liverpool conceding from a set piece. The 23 seconds of the Man
Utd v Palace match that were watchable. Neil Warnock praising a referee. Saints
keeping a clean sheet yet again with a back five consisting of four rejects
from “bigger” clubs. West Ham. Villa. West Brom. Adeboyer not being bothered
and then blaming the fans. Swansea being very bothered and praising the fans.
Arsenal failing to close a game out and instead leaving their defence more
exposed than a boulder in the Nevada Desert. And Borussia Dortmund being off
the bottom of the league with a ridiculous 50 yard own goal winner.
That’s right a 50 yard own goal winner.
Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.
Sunday 2 November 2014
Week 10 - Return of the Monk(ey)
This weeks blog is delivered via a haze of sleepless nights, endless loops of frozen and the knowledge that no matter what I do, I cannot defeat my cat in fantasy football.
The Big Issue - What has happened to Liverpool?
There is both a short answer and a long answer to this question. The short one is a front three that delivered a near century of goals last season are injured, jaded or playing for Barcelona. But the long one is much more complex.
Liverpool aren’t just playing like a team who have lost their star strikers, they are playing like a team who have lost their identity again. Last season Rodgers didn’t just sweep away teams with fluent, attacking football. He consistently and expertly tactically out thought them. This season he has done that just once (away to Spurs) and the most damning thing about Liverpool’s season to date is that their league position actually flatters them. Gone is the pressing, gone is the passing football, gone is the confidence, gone are the fast counters and in have come slow, side to side football culminating in endless Steven Gerrard long passes.
Liverpool punched above their weight last season, but the gap between them and Chelsea is bordering on the ridiculous given they actually finished above them. The comparison is just because Chelsea have done exactly what Liverpool haven’t in the summer. They have brought in proven, experienced footballers who can sit seamlessly into a squad competing on all fronts. Rodgers transfer policy appears to be a mixture of total punts. It’s hard not to admire his desire to take rough diamonds and try and polish them, but so far this tactic has worked solely on Daniel Sturridge (although he has improved greatly both Henderson and Sterling). Losing Suarez meant Liverpool HAD to go out and buy big. They had Champions League football and one of the biggest names in the world. Instead they failed to buy a single player who significantly improved their first XI from last season.
The defence remains shocking. Has Rodgers considered that the problem isn’t the players AROUND Skertel and Mignolet but those players themselves? Neither inspire any confidence and are prone to at least one total howler a match. Carragher and Agger were a better partnership two years ago. The isolation of Lucas, as a genuine player who can actually protect the defence, remains a mystery. Steven Gerrard is not a holding midfielder. He is an attacking midfielder who can no longer run. Ahead of him none of the new signings from Lallana through to Markovic have done anything and the cherry on the cake is Mario Balotelli. Having already cost two managers their jobs in his fledgling career the Italian is well on course to claim a third. It would be worth all the sulking and lack of effort if Mario was genuine world class. But he isn’t. He’s a player who is now 24 and, if you remove penalties, has scored just 63 goals in 233 club games. He isn’t the only reason Liverpool are failing this season, but he symbolises how far they have plummeted in so short a space of time.
Getting 4th would be a major achievement for this squad. Thanks to the desperate plight of others it’s still not beyond them. But Rodgers needs to find his mojo again and fast. Real Madrid and Chelsea up next. It’s probably best to go and hide for a week Scousers...
Stat of the Week:
Liverpool and Manchester United have 27 points between them so far this season. Chelsea have 26 on their own.
Stat of the Week II:
Not one single Premier League match featured more than 3 goals. The first time this has happened since records began. Or last season, depending on what you want to believe.
Manager of the Weekend:
Ronald Koeman - I’m considering retiring this award until Southampton lose a game. They’ve even managed to get the play badly and win match out of the way now. Saints for 2nd? Maybe not. Saints for 4th? If they can keep that front four fit then yes.
Enigma of the Weekend:
Romelu Lukaku - He’s still young and has time to sharpen his game. But few players possess the ability to be quite so unplayable one minute and completely useless the next. Lukaku is 10/10 one week and 2/10 the week after. Mutating from a powerful, fast centre forward one minute to a lumbering clown with the touch of an Electric Eel the next. He was only on the pitch for twenty minutes this weekend but still managed to miss three gilt edge chances, one of which literally just hit him. Everton fans must be hoping for a run of 8/10 performances rather than this erratic, never know what you’re going to get approach to the game. I mean, don’t make me bring up Nani.
Fantasy Football disaster of the Weekend:
Captaining Benteke for a differential. Or re-jigging your entire side to get Costa back in whilst completely ignoring Alexis Sanchez...
Quote of the Weekend:
From any Man Utd player/coach “We were the better team and created enough chances to win.”
Who cares? You didn’t. You’ve won three times in eleven matches. Three! Man up and put the fucking ball in the net.
Team of the Weak:
Jakupovic - Gave away a goal in the first few minutes with a terrible kick and then sat and watched as Saints played it around the park without bothering trying to shoot again “for a laugh.”
Moreno - Showed the tracking ability of a lame elephant to lose his marker in a three yard race with a two yard head start,
Smalling - A total waste of space, an embarrassment to the club and should be stripped naked in the middle of manchester and be told to find his own way home. Or ideally abroad.
Rojo - A mirage of a World Cup finalist. Should have conceded a stone wall penalty and got sent off. Didn’t, played appallingly, finally got injured and watched as a child did much, much better than him.
Pieters - Offered little going forward and then watched idly as Stewart Downing destroyed him. Stewart. Downing. Write that on your tombstone mate.
Gerrard - Attempted 2,376 passes from the edge of his box to the edge of opposition box. Once seen in other half of the pitch in open play, but turned out to be Joe Allen. Snap him up City.
Cambiasso - Horrible own goal that he could do nothing about, but has not managed to stamp his authority on a midfield that has actually looked worse since he started playing in it.
Huddlestone - Looked like he was still playing for Spurs. Damning.
Eriksen - Created nothing, got booked, hauled off, looked pretty.
Benteke - Can’t buy a goal. Helps himself to a red instead. Bravo.
Van Persie - Playing as a lone striker when he cannot hold the ball up or run. LVG is a genius! Hail maestro!
What you may have missed:
Chelsea collecting their Premier League winners medals before kick off. Cesc Fabregas collecting his player of the year award shortly after. Newcastle fans performing a dramatic U-turn over their manager based on that mythical currency known as results. Jonjo Shelvey getting in a scuffle with Everton fans outside the ground. Chuck Norris being 74 (seventy four) years old. Hull buying all those creative players on deadline day and allowing one of them to play per match. West Brom being level on points with Manchester United. 99% of the audience of Match of the Day yelling "Oh Fuck Off Shearer" at some stage of the broadcast. Big Sam just treating this whole “attacking football” lark as a compete laugh and Aston Villa losing again to a Spurs team who literally just do not give a shit if they win football matches.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
The Big Issue - What has happened to Liverpool?
There is both a short answer and a long answer to this question. The short one is a front three that delivered a near century of goals last season are injured, jaded or playing for Barcelona. But the long one is much more complex.
Liverpool aren’t just playing like a team who have lost their star strikers, they are playing like a team who have lost their identity again. Last season Rodgers didn’t just sweep away teams with fluent, attacking football. He consistently and expertly tactically out thought them. This season he has done that just once (away to Spurs) and the most damning thing about Liverpool’s season to date is that their league position actually flatters them. Gone is the pressing, gone is the passing football, gone is the confidence, gone are the fast counters and in have come slow, side to side football culminating in endless Steven Gerrard long passes.
Liverpool punched above their weight last season, but the gap between them and Chelsea is bordering on the ridiculous given they actually finished above them. The comparison is just because Chelsea have done exactly what Liverpool haven’t in the summer. They have brought in proven, experienced footballers who can sit seamlessly into a squad competing on all fronts. Rodgers transfer policy appears to be a mixture of total punts. It’s hard not to admire his desire to take rough diamonds and try and polish them, but so far this tactic has worked solely on Daniel Sturridge (although he has improved greatly both Henderson and Sterling). Losing Suarez meant Liverpool HAD to go out and buy big. They had Champions League football and one of the biggest names in the world. Instead they failed to buy a single player who significantly improved their first XI from last season.
The defence remains shocking. Has Rodgers considered that the problem isn’t the players AROUND Skertel and Mignolet but those players themselves? Neither inspire any confidence and are prone to at least one total howler a match. Carragher and Agger were a better partnership two years ago. The isolation of Lucas, as a genuine player who can actually protect the defence, remains a mystery. Steven Gerrard is not a holding midfielder. He is an attacking midfielder who can no longer run. Ahead of him none of the new signings from Lallana through to Markovic have done anything and the cherry on the cake is Mario Balotelli. Having already cost two managers their jobs in his fledgling career the Italian is well on course to claim a third. It would be worth all the sulking and lack of effort if Mario was genuine world class. But he isn’t. He’s a player who is now 24 and, if you remove penalties, has scored just 63 goals in 233 club games. He isn’t the only reason Liverpool are failing this season, but he symbolises how far they have plummeted in so short a space of time.
Getting 4th would be a major achievement for this squad. Thanks to the desperate plight of others it’s still not beyond them. But Rodgers needs to find his mojo again and fast. Real Madrid and Chelsea up next. It’s probably best to go and hide for a week Scousers...
Stat of the Week:
Liverpool and Manchester United have 27 points between them so far this season. Chelsea have 26 on their own.
Stat of the Week II:
Not one single Premier League match featured more than 3 goals. The first time this has happened since records began. Or last season, depending on what you want to believe.
Manager of the Weekend:
Ronald Koeman - I’m considering retiring this award until Southampton lose a game. They’ve even managed to get the play badly and win match out of the way now. Saints for 2nd? Maybe not. Saints for 4th? If they can keep that front four fit then yes.
Enigma of the Weekend:
Romelu Lukaku - He’s still young and has time to sharpen his game. But few players possess the ability to be quite so unplayable one minute and completely useless the next. Lukaku is 10/10 one week and 2/10 the week after. Mutating from a powerful, fast centre forward one minute to a lumbering clown with the touch of an Electric Eel the next. He was only on the pitch for twenty minutes this weekend but still managed to miss three gilt edge chances, one of which literally just hit him. Everton fans must be hoping for a run of 8/10 performances rather than this erratic, never know what you’re going to get approach to the game. I mean, don’t make me bring up Nani.
Fantasy Football disaster of the Weekend:
Captaining Benteke for a differential. Or re-jigging your entire side to get Costa back in whilst completely ignoring Alexis Sanchez...
Quote of the Weekend:
From any Man Utd player/coach “We were the better team and created enough chances to win.”
Who cares? You didn’t. You’ve won three times in eleven matches. Three! Man up and put the fucking ball in the net.
Team of the Weak:
Jakupovic - Gave away a goal in the first few minutes with a terrible kick and then sat and watched as Saints played it around the park without bothering trying to shoot again “for a laugh.”
Moreno - Showed the tracking ability of a lame elephant to lose his marker in a three yard race with a two yard head start,
Smalling - A total waste of space, an embarrassment to the club and should be stripped naked in the middle of manchester and be told to find his own way home. Or ideally abroad.
Rojo - A mirage of a World Cup finalist. Should have conceded a stone wall penalty and got sent off. Didn’t, played appallingly, finally got injured and watched as a child did much, much better than him.
Pieters - Offered little going forward and then watched idly as Stewart Downing destroyed him. Stewart. Downing. Write that on your tombstone mate.
Gerrard - Attempted 2,376 passes from the edge of his box to the edge of opposition box. Once seen in other half of the pitch in open play, but turned out to be Joe Allen. Snap him up City.
Cambiasso - Horrible own goal that he could do nothing about, but has not managed to stamp his authority on a midfield that has actually looked worse since he started playing in it.
Huddlestone - Looked like he was still playing for Spurs. Damning.
Eriksen - Created nothing, got booked, hauled off, looked pretty.
Benteke - Can’t buy a goal. Helps himself to a red instead. Bravo.
Van Persie - Playing as a lone striker when he cannot hold the ball up or run. LVG is a genius! Hail maestro!
What you may have missed:
Chelsea collecting their Premier League winners medals before kick off. Cesc Fabregas collecting his player of the year award shortly after. Newcastle fans performing a dramatic U-turn over their manager based on that mythical currency known as results. Jonjo Shelvey getting in a scuffle with Everton fans outside the ground. Chuck Norris being 74 (seventy four) years old. Hull buying all those creative players on deadline day and allowing one of them to play per match. West Brom being level on points with Manchester United. 99% of the audience of Match of the Day yelling "Oh Fuck Off Shearer" at some stage of the broadcast. Big Sam just treating this whole “attacking football” lark as a compete laugh and Aston Villa losing again to a Spurs team who literally just do not give a shit if they win football matches.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
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