EDERSON (6.0 MCI) – Starting the match by charging out of his goal to make
a horrendous challenge literally on the by-line, Ederson continued in that vain
on another one of his “I’m a bit bored here lads” games. Whether flapping at
crosses or making saves from errors he had literally forced on himself, this
was great to watch from start to finish. He could have done nothing about the
goal from Wilson though. Which, to be fair, was an absolute pearler.
HANLEY (4.0 NOR) – It’s telling that with everyone
looking for an FPL bargain, nobody is talking about the 4m centre back who is
the captain of Norwich. The Canaries may be thrilling going forward, but it’s
hard to make case for them keeping a clean sheet all season with this backline.
Abraham and Mount had the better of them all afternoon and whilst Hanley never
gave up, both him and Godfrey look out of their depth at this level. 8 against
6 for. The whole team looks like they’re here to party… not just Pukki.
LINDELOF (5.5 MUN) – Ole may well cry bad luck for
Manchester United succumbing to defeat on Saturday, but it was one entirely of
their own making. Almost as worrying as the rancid attack, was a return to the
shaky, uncomfortable Lindelöf that started his Utd career. Here he was bullied
by Jordan Ayew… which are words that should probably form the epitaph of any
defenders career. United conceded two awful goals and find themselves having
now won just 3 games in 12 going back to last season. Lindelöf has started all
of those and if he wants to play for a side supposedly challenging for the top
four, he cannot afford too many games like this.
SANCHEZ (5.5 TOT) – Something is not quite right at
Tottenham. After a flurry of late summer signings it looked like full steam
ahead for another campaign of finishing… er… third. Since then though, new
signings have barely featured owing to injury and Spurs have started back to
back home games without their captain (Vertonghen) or most creative midfielder
(Eriksen). If the latter can be explained by a running down the clock transfer strategy,
it’s hard to fathom why Sanchez is getting starts over the visibly superior
Belgian skipper. Sanchez was bullied by the pace and power of Newcastle’s front
2 every time they came forward. Tactics engineered by Bruce and executed to
perfection by his players. Spurs may have 4 points and their hardest game of
the season already over… but they look like a team struggling to find a new
identity. Either way… they will still probably finish… well… third.
SIGURDSSON (7.9 EVE) – As threatening as a baby Wallaby
with a water pistol, Everton rocked up against one of the worst looking
defences in the league and promptly pissed around for 90 minutes. Sigurdsson
has started the season like much of the Toffees attack… as in he hasn’t. Here
he was especially useless… posting an xG of 0.01 and xA of 0.04. He had just 37
touches and one vagary of a shot. He was replaced after an hour by Alex Iwobi.
Which is like being told you’re getting sacked as Prime Minister to make way
for Boris Johnson…
GOMES (5.4 EVE) – Much was made of the apparent coup
that Everton pulled off by securing Andrew Gomes on a permanent deal this
summer. He was rubbish here though. Creating nothing, stopping nothing. He just
sort of wandered around. He was dribbled past a ridiculous five times and made
not a single interception, clearance or block the entire match. This was the
Jesse Lingard of defensive mid performances.
HUGHES (5.5 WAT) – Hughes wasn’t the worst player on
the pitch at Watford, but he certainly had the worst effort on goal. A near
criminal across the box spoon from but a yard. Watford are on a terrible run of
7 losses from the end of the last season to the start of this. They are not
scoring enough, they are not keeping clean sheets and with a trigger happy
chairman, Javi Gracia needs to arrest the slide now. He could do worse than
start some of his new signings rather than continuing with a midfielder who has
scored once in over 2,500 minutes.
That is 28 fucking hours?
LINGARD (6.5 MUN) – A centre back aside, there was no
more obvious hole in the Manchester United squad this summer than a creative
midfielder. Losing the lively Herrera and replacing him with… nobody… Woodward
& Co ensured that no matter how full of running a front three of Rashford,
Martial and James might be, it makes little difference if they have nobody to unpick the locks they strive
to open. This United team is set up to counter which it will do so effectively
when teams play into their hands (a la Chelsea) – but when teams sit back and
defend deep there is no De Bruyne, no Eriksen, no Maddison. There is not even a
John fucking Lundstram. There is just Jesse Lingard. Coming up to his 27th birthday
and playing his 170th appearance his club.
You all know the stats by now. But let’s reel off the zeros
anyway.
Dribbles. Zero. Successful take ons. Zero. Touches in the
box. Zero. Goal attempts. Zero. Successful crosses. Zero. Headers won. Zero.
Interceptions. Zero. Chances created. One (you see… he’s not that bad after
all)
xG 0.00
xA -0.01 (how is that even possible)
Okay… yes he is.
Forget Smalling & Jones. Forget Ashley Young. Forget
even Marcos Rojo. There has been no bigger fraud in a decade at Manchester
United than Jesse Lingard.
ANDONE (5.0 BHA) – An absolute horror tackle de-railed
Brighton when they looked in full flow against Southampton and ultimately cost
his team three points. It’s rare that I see a challenge that the words “utterly
indefensible” apply but this was one step shy of assault and should probably
have come with a prison sentence. Brighton should not pay him for a single
minute of the time he is suspended.
KANE (11.1 TOT) – Allegedly Spurs centre forward, Kane
once again did his drop deep into the quarterback role act this afternoon. This
would make sense if Kane say, like Rooney, was reaching his latter years and
possessed superb vision. Kane is a fine passer, but he is clearly of most use
to a team as high up the pitch as possible. Certainly when they are defending
as deep as Newcastle were. What possible use were Son and Moura playing ahead
of him with no space to run in behind? As it was, Kane had once chance, which
he fluffed hopelessly. Cynics may point to the penalty that never was. But for
Spurs to claim they deserved anything from this game would be a bridge too var.
JOTA (6.4 WOL) – They may be going in on the continent;
but Diego Jota continues to fire blanks in the Premier League. Lasting 90
minutes for only the second time in his professional career, Jota was busy
against Burnley but never truly got the better of their centre backs… who were
brutally unlucky to concede a 95th minute penalty to deny them three
points. When Jota is given time and space he looks a fine player, but when
he’s not he sometimes seems to lack the physicality of most centre forwards to
bounce off defenders like others. I mean… I don’t want to name names. But he’s
not fucking Ashley Barnes is he.
I mean. Who could possibly have predicted that…
