Five Things We Learnt from the last week of Football

Cherries could be the icing on the cake for next season

At the risk of forcing a pun into the first title of every entry; it’s getting harder and harder to cherry pick things to write about in a season that has largely faded into a gentle, mediocre pool of sludge. One hopes then, that the fantastic journey of Bournemouth football club will add a fairy tale quality to the league next season as they secured promotion this week and entered the Premier League for the first time in their history. Since being appointed permanent manager in 2009, Eddie Howe has pulled the club out of a 17 point deficit relegation battle, got promoted to league one, left to take charge of Burnley for a bit for a laugh, come back and secured promotion to the Championship, and has now helped his side to the hallowed shores of the Premier League with a limited budget and a 95 goal scoring spree on route. This would be pretty incredible anyway, but it’s more so when you consider Howe was just 32 when he was given the role and will come into the league as the youngest manager by a full five years. Howe has a win ratio of 52% over his two spells at the club. Just to put that into perspective, Wenger and Ferguson’s is around 57-59%. And Tony Adams’ around 10%.

Bournemouth will bring a superb set of supporters, some terrific chants and an underdog story that will be hard to resist for the neutral next season. Hell, if they beat Chelsea the world may actually explode. With Watford having joined them, the Premier League promises to be a more interesting place to be come August. We hope at least. I mean, come on. It has to be.

Pragmatism wins titles, but not admirers
Other than the 37 genuine people who support Chelsea, nobody will be celebrating the Premier League title returning to the paws of Jose Mourinho and John fucking Terry come this weekend. Chelsea deserve the title by virtue of being the team best equipped to not lose matches, but they cannot be allowed to win a title with this little fight again. With his team playing dreadfully and desperately reliant on the guile of Eden Hazard to do literally anything, Mourinho has effectively shut up shop for the past two months to grind out the results needs to claim his 3^rd title with the club. Arsenal started poorly, United even more so, and City have been an inconsistent mess from start to finish. Gods knows where they’d be if they didn’t have Sergio Aguero in their team. All three of those teams need to strengthen and come again stronger in the summer. It’s hard to make a case for any of the clubs below them challenging for titles. Liverpool need stability and a long term plan, Saints have over performed and should be proud of their achievements, whilst Spurs will just finish outside of the top four for the next 10,000 years no matter what they do. The league needs a proper title race to flourish and to pull the quality up of every side below it. As it is, we risk going into the final weekend of the season with potentially just two games meaning anything.

QPR and Burnley may have shot their load
4 and 5 points away from safety respectively, both these sides need an absolute minimum of 8 points from remaining fixtures that read:
QPR: Liverpool Away. Man City Away. Newcastle Home. Leicester Away.
Burnley: West Ham Away. Hull Away. Stoke Home. Villa Away.
It seems unlikely at best, and impossible at worst. All of which effectively leaves Leicester, Sunderland and Villa fighting for one place in the drop zone following an improbable double victory for Hull City this week. Still, if there is hope for anyone, it comes in the form of simply playing Newcastle. Who are in complete freefall and could well survive despite winning just one game in 2015 and with the worst goal difference in the league. Come on lads, let’s all do this and give this season one great thing to be remembered for.

#praytosendthetoondown

Why can’t clubs cope with the Europa League?
It doesn’t matter who it is (usually Spurs or Everton), but each and every year the clubs who qualify for the Europa League toil until they inevitably get dumped out post the group stage, having already played 28 games and with nothing to show for it. There is no doubt that playing Thursday to Sunday is the hardest combination of games available, a longer wait followed by a very short recovery period. The Europa League also has a higher propensity of long haul away games and the teams involved are always playing catch up. But other countries don’t struggle with it the way we do, and with a Champions League place now up for grabs for the winners, it’s hard to see why there isn’t any motivation at all for English club to make a better fist of trying to win it. Squad sizes are bigger than ever, so why not just rotate steadily over the season. Surely this approach is better than the Everton approach of don’t rotate at all, or the Spurs one of change your entire starting eleven. Barcelona and Real Madrid barely rotate, and still manage to compete on all levels because they keep things fresh week by week rather than ever having to make wholesale changes. Ferguson was a master of this, making sure that his players stayed hungry and picked and chose the fixtures that would suit certain players, regardless of the actual competition it happened to be. He didn’t always get it right, but the logic was sound. If clubs are going to have squads of 20-25 senior, well paid players, they need to be using them correctly to manage the situation they are in. Yes the Premier League is a tough, physical league with no easy fixtures, but English teams are floundering across Europe not because they have the worse players, but because they remain tactically naïve and the squads are being mismanaged. I mean, if I can successfully run three fantasy football teams, I’m pretty sure running a top flight Football Club across several competitions can’t be that difficult…

The new season kicks off on August 7^th
Which means the Charity Shield will be August 2^nd. Which is frankly, a complete disgrace. Football is not a summer sport and this year there have been less midweek matches than ever before in the Premier League. English football needs to take a long hard look at itself. The TV money is welcome, but it cannot be allowed to utterly dictate games, fixtures and start dates. This Champions League final is on June 6^th this year which will mean the shortest ever distance between the last and first game of the season (should an English club have got to it). A mere 8 weeks when it used to be 13/14. If we want seasons to be more exciting, with better standards and compete stronger in Europe and Internationally, we don’t need more games spaced out, we need a longer, proper pre-season for clubs to adequately prepare. As it is, expect another turgid opening month to the top flight as players don’t achieve full fitness until September.

Team of the Weak:

Guzan – Gifted City a goal and then conceded a late winner after his team had dragged themselves back into the match
Janmaat – Looked like he was already planning his summer transfer move
Mangala – An absolute sham of a £32m defender
Vertonghen – Couldn’t keep a clean sheet against my six a side team
Dann – Allowed Hull to score. Twice. Awful
Arfield – Beginning to look like the Championship player he is again. In the team as the main creative hub. Creates nothing
Sterling – Absolute toilet across both games. Will be lucky if Liverpool want him on this form, let alone a bigger club
Fellaini – Slashed at a massive early chance, lucky to stay on the pitch, dragged at half time
Ozil – Despite recent upturn in form, couldn’t control a big game when it mattered
Austin – Missed a penalty, got booked. Remains blameless if QPR go down but could have really helped his team here against a West Ham team who stopped playing in March
Rooney – Merseyside toils continued, utterly anonymous
Balotelli – One of the worst seasons for any top striker in living memory. Lucky to ever play at a high level again after this

What you may have missed

Saints and Spurs pulling out the stops in an entertaining early fixture that now feels like it took place a year ago; Leicester hauling themselves to apparent safety only to be dragged back down again by the relentless juggernaut of negativity that is Chelsea; Hull keeping back to back clean sheets and keeping Yorkshire back in the big leagues for another season; Newcastle now just losing for fun; Sunderland still wandering around trying to win a match; Man City limping past Aston Villa to keep the challenge on for the real title this season… second place; Stones and McCarthy absolutely dominating the Manchester United forward line; Arsene Wenger still not managing to beat Jose Mourinho at football and Liverpool, I’m sorry Brendan, but in absolutely no way playing “outstanding” in any possible way that you can quantify that word.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

Young is the new angel of Old Trafford

Six league wins on the spin and a collective 9-3 pounding of their rivals in Spurs, Liverpool and City; it’s safe to say it might be time to believe that the Louis Van Gaal philosophy has finally landed. If that was perhaps a matter of time, what was less expected is the personal that are currently responsible for this resurgence. The four scorers today have all had their Old Trafford careers questioned over the past 12 months. Juan Mata was perhaps unfortunate to have ever found himself in that situation. A World Cup, European Cup and Champions League winner, Mata is about as close to proven class as you can get. His omission from several team sheets during a guileless period for United at the start of the year were beginning to resemble a sick joke. His reinsertion into the team, coupled with a move to a fluid 4-3-3 have been instrumental during the recent wins. The doubts remain over Smalling as a defender, but he carries the ball out from the back in a manner befitting the ball playing centre back Van Gaal demands. 3 goals in 4 games to go with his run of performances have helped his case further. Fellaini meanwhile, finds himself in the unique position of being a piece of ironic genius. Ironic? How so? Simple. David Moyes knew how good Fellaini could be, if played in the right way in the right team. The trouble was, Moyes was so scared of being critisiced for his style of football he refused to play him in such a way. Instead he relegated him to a holding role in what was often a 4-2-4 formation and watched as he toiled trying to play one touch passes in small area of the pitch. Van Gaal, unlike Moyes, does not give a flying fuck what other people think of him. And so, ironically, he has resurrected the career of the Belgian by playing him in his favoured role, just off the front man in a highly mobile position that has managed to bring the best not only out of him, but of every other player in United’s front six. Let’s be absolutely clear about this, Van Gaal has genuinely built his team around this player. Against Spurs Fellaini was United’s best attacker. Against Liverpool he was their best defender. Against City he bullied Kompany and Toure to a point where one was lucky to stay on the pitch and the other was a passenger. All of which, finally brings us to a flying winger who is suddenly beating players, scoring goals, assisting goals and running up and down the line like the energizer bunny. Manchester United’s best outfield player this season. No, not £57m Angel Di Maria. Ashley fucking Young. Of all the resurrections mentioned above, none can hold a candle to the story of Young. Offered a transfer in the summer and told his Old Trafford career was over, Young asked to stay and fight for his place. He has played left back, right back, left wing back, right wing back, the number ten, right forward, left forward and inside left so far this season and has excelled throughout. He is right now, with the possible exception of Glenn Murray, the best example available of how far confidence and belief can truly take you given half the chance. Nobody has benefitted more than the introduction of Van Gaal than Ashley Young, and whilst he might still often resemble a dying swan come Marlo Stanfield look a like, it’s fully time he got the credit he deserved.

United are back, you heard it here first. 3rd is the new 1st anyway...

Is Alan Pardew the best manager in the league?

51 points, that is how many Alan Pardew has achieved so far this season from the 31 games he has managed. That would place his collective team 8th, with a game in hand and 5 points off 4th. That doesn’t sound that good I suppose. Only his collective team are the now shambolic Newcastle and the formally shambolic Crystal Palace, both of which came with a collective transfer budget of around zero. Only Arsenal, United and Chelsea have taken more points than Crystal Palace since Pardew took over, and his team are not winning games via defensive nous or negative organisation. Palace are rocking up and out gunning opponents time and time again. Pardew has rolled out a 4-2-3-1 formation with the pace, power and trickery of Bolaise, Puncheon and Zaha behind the forgotten figure of Glenn Murray. Having barely cobbled together a handful of games over two seasons, Murray has blasted 6 goals and 4 assists in his last six matches at an average goal involvement of a frankly preposterous one every 41 minutes. Palace, now safe in mid-table are playing with a reckless abandon that the likes of Manchester City can only look at and stare longingly. Forget Stuart Pearce’s controversial Manchester “best XI” - on form, a Palace/City best XI would feature 4 of the Palace front 6. Oh, and the entire back four. Without wanting to go over this again, I will simply direct readers to my comment from last week. Newcastle fans should be careful what you wish for...

Hull are in deep trouble

It’s hard to look at the table, remaining fixtures and the top of the Championship and make the statement that, yet again, Yorkshire will be without a team in the top flight next season. The biggest county in England, famed for it’s Olympic prowess, savoury puddings, rolling hills and losing the War of the Roses, remains in a footballing cesspit from which their seems little immediate recovery. Clinging on to Hull is never good at the best of times, but with Leicester winning and both Burnley and QPR scoring more goals, it’s hard to make a case for Steve Bruce’s team to stay in the division come May. Hull have six games left to play and they read as follows:


Away to Palace. See above. No chance.

Home to Liverpool. Small chance, depending on if Liverpool have arrested their mini slump  by then.

Home to Arsenal. No chance.

Home to Burnley. A real relegation six pointer, but if they’ve already lost the three above...

Away to Spurs. Hell, everyone has a chance against Spurs.

Home to Man Utd. No chance.

Even the most optimistic of fans would look at that and see 5 points. Max. Which frankly Steve, ain’t gonna be enough.

Still, Brucie might lose a bit of weight back in the Championship. So there's always that.

Leicester can do this

Three points off safety with a game in hand, Leicester have the form, the fixtures and most importantly, the luck to pull of a recovery that seemed impossible just a month ago. In a curious move, Pearson has basically benched all his new players in favour for the core of the team that got them promoted last year. Although having the still mythically underrated Esteban Cambiasso in central midfield has certainly helped. The foxes have five home games remaining owing to a rearranged match and fixture quirk. With Burnley, Newcastle, Sunderland and QPR all still to play, it is in their own paws.

Sherwood was always, always going to win at the Lane.
I refuse to believe anything other than this. Tactics Tim walked in to face his side in the dressing room before kick off, looked them up and down, side to side, rubbed everything off the chalk board, brought out a copy of Alex Ferguson’s autobiography and read three words from it.
“Lads... it’s Tottenham.”

Team of the Weak


Pantilimon - Showed the confidence of a teenage girl on prom night. And was about as good with his h... and I probably can’t say that anymore.
O’Shea - Rubbish
Jones - Garbage
Vergini - Seriously Sunderland is there a middle ground between great and absolutely awful defending with any of you lot?
Zabaleta - In fairness, he won’t be the last player torn apart by the World Cup Finalist and man of the match in last years Champions League Final. Oh hold on, no wait, I keep thinking this is all still a dream.

Huddlestone - Career is nosediving faster than a penguin without a parachute.

Toure - A genuine disgrace. Regularly walking and just not bothered. A World Class player who couldn’t be more fair weather if he tried.

Townsend - Those tweets don’t like quite so good now do they Andros...

Berahino - Looked very average and was then blamed for the entire defeat for not laying in his teammate on the overlap. Which may have been a touch harsh.

Pelle - 1208... oh wait, he scored? Really? Oh. Well, hell of a run kid. Hell of a run.

Kane - Possibly a little tired now. Plus he really can’t do it all Spurs. Come on guys.

Aluko - I’m not even sure I know who this player is. Only that he sometimes plays for Hull. Badly. 


What you may have missed

The early kick off bore fest between the not really bothered we’re going to finish in mid-table Swansea and the not really bothered we’re going to finish in mid-table Everton. Saints managing to win 2-0, rather than the usual 1-0... with Pelle scoring. Apparently. Spurs, being Spurs. Tim Sherwood not being remotely bothered at the final whistle and quietly putting his finger to his lips. That or celebrating like his kid had just scored the winner in the World Cup, either’s good. Sunderland wondering why they bothered sacking anyone. West Brom wondering where the Tony Pulis they hired has wandered off to. West Ham drawing 1 all with Stoke in dear Christ that was a boring game AGAIN wasn’t it. Burnley being unlucky to lose 1-0 to Arsenal. QPR being desperately unlucky to lose 1-0 to Chelsea. And finally, for the first time in what felt forever, a Manchester United midfield actually running rings around another genuine top four team.


Viva la philosophy.

Now let’s all go and cheer on Justin Rose.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From The Premier League This Weekend

Ozil is finally stepping up

Arsenal fans could be forgiven for thinking they were better off without Mesut Ozil this season. The team largely played well during his lengthy spell on the touchlines and the form of Sanchez and Cazorla cast doubt on where he would fit in upon his return. Wenger has never lost faith in his central playmaker though, even if at times the fans have. He restored Ozil to the team immediately following his return and has since built a creative 4-2-3-1 around him. Since returning he has been imperious. 3 goals and 5 assists in 8 matches, stats bettered only by Giroud over that period. But more than simple numbers, Ozil has dictated the tempo of matches. The great thing about Ozil, is that he’s probably the only Arsenal player who doesn’t really need a lot of space to work in. Arsenal remain a lethal passing unit if given time and space, but they have consistently struggled when pressed and harassed. Ozil seems to know where everyone on the pitch is at any given time and his short, one touch passing is as good as anyone in the game. Questioned about Ozil’s errant passing last season Wenger lamented that it wasn’t that his passes were bad, but actually too good. That his team mates weren’t capable of making the same decisions that he were. This time around, Ozil has returned to a fluid Arsenal side with Cazorla and the world class Alexis Sanchez at the top of their game. The flicks are coming off, the through balls are threading the needles and the confidence and goals are beginning to come as well. Ozil isn’t just a flair player either, he has ran more than any midfielder in the league since returning from injury. He has gained weight, is considerably harder to knock off the ball and is finally delivering in the bigger matches as well. This isn’t just a phase. This is the real Mesut Ozil, and it’s probably time we gave him the credit he deserves.

West Brom are not there yet

As shocks go, losing 4-1 at home to the worst away team in the league was right up there. But the most disturbing thing about this performance for West Brom fans, was the way they approached the match in general. The baggies were casual, pedestrian and appeared to have turned up for a training match rather than a relegation scrap. They were toothless up front and error strewn in defence. Even when they finally did wake up in the second half, they contrived to miss a series of superb chances before conceding one of the worst goals you’re likely to see all season. West Brom are far from safe and injuries are mounting up at the wrong time for Tony Pulis. They probably only need two wins from the last seven to be safe, but given their run in includes Liverpool, Man Utd, Arsenal and Chelsea, next weeks match up with Leicester looks crucial. Their fans will be praying they don’t approach the game in the same light again.


Rodgers remains the right man for Liverpool

In football, you’re only as good as you’re last result. With managers that is certainly true and it remains preposterous to me how stock can rise and fall after just a few games. Two weeks ago Rodgers was reborn having transformed Liverpool’s season. Unbeaten since Christmas, Pool had added defensive resilience to attacking thrust and in Coutinho possessed the best young midfielder in the league. Back to back defeats against Utd and Arsenal have changed all that. Liverpool now look out of the race for 4th and look set to battle Spurs and Saints for a Europa league spot. But is that really so bad an effort for an incredibly young squad who sold their best player in the summer? Liverpool could still win the FA cup and it’s hard to see how that plus a Europa league place should be considered a failure for Rodgers. Regardless of what happens between now and May, Rodgers is the right man for Liverpool. He is a young, forward thinking coach and wants to stay and build a legacy. His handling of young players has been exceptional, even if his signings of established stars has not. Rodgers possesses just the right amount of arrogance to be a boss at club like Liverpool but is also unflinchingly honest. He does not provide excuses about how a club of such supposed stature “deserve to be up there” and he is much more intelligent than people give him credit for. He has time for people in and around the club and given the obvious lack of availability of Pep, Carlo, Jose and Diego (surely the top four managers currently working) it’s hard to see how Liverpool can do much better by replacing him in the summer. Players will still come to Liverpool because of their history, and their fans will never stop believing. Whilst it’s amusing to see yet another season crash against the rocks, none of that changes the fact that Liverpool have the right man at the helm for the future.


Newcastle fans should be careful what they wish for

The Tyne-Tear derby ended this evening with Newcastle on the end of another limp defeat, the sort of which has come to define the era of Mike Ashley. Newcastle are not going to get relegated, and whilst their fans may yearn for the days of Keegan, Shearer and Rob Lee, the cold hard facts are that they are a mid table, Premier League club and their owner knows this. Newcastle have never really looked like getting relegated since they burst back up from the Championship five seasons ago. Unbeaten it has to said with a simply ridiculous 102 points.. They have finished 12th, 5th, 16th, 10th and are currently 13th this time around. Ashley does not have the money to get Newcastle into the top four, or even the current top six. But he does have an excellent scouting network, a realistic wage structure and isn’t really bothered about who manages the club as long as they do enough to keep the team in the division. Newcastle fans continue to call for his head but should be careful what they wish for. The club would just as likely crumble and plummet as it would soar and the fear is a Wigan or Blackburn scenario where the momentum is only in one direction until the club bottoms out and has to start again. Newcastle are not a big club, they just have a big stadium. They have not won a major trophy for SIXTY years. Only two clubs in the Premier League have gone that long without a trophy. Palace and Hull, neither of which have won anything. If you include Championship teams only a handful more names are added to the mix. Swindon, Wolves, Norwich, Oxford, Luton, Middlesborough, Portsmouth and Birmingham just some of the illustrious names who have tasted silverware  more recently than Geordies.

Newcastle are, to a certain extent, a club which now exists as a result of the television money. They merely need to stay in the league to keep things going and you cannot blame their owner for ensuring that is the priority over anything else. It may not be very interesting to watch, and it won’t sell a lot of season tickets. But Newcastle aren’t going anyway, and neither is Mike Ashley.



Bafetimbi Gomis can never be allowed to score again

Seriously, that celebration can’t be seen anywhere, ever... and I mean ever again. I mean it made Charlie Adam doing a half robot dance look good. Somebody needs to have a word. The FA need to write it in as a straight red. There is quite literally nothing to take the shine off a two goal haul than the sight of a man on all fours prowling towards the fans like a feral cat. I don’t even know what animal he is supposed to be. I don’t want to know. I just want it to stop.


Team of the Weak

Myhil - Conceded 7 goals in two matches. Was all over the place positionally. Doesn’t seem to able to organise a defence in any way, shape or form.

Can - Awful tackle for the second yellow, lost his head and left his team with no competent defenders for crucial FA cup replay.

Lescott - Absolutely toilet.

Toure - Absolutely toilet, with a floater.

Bruce - Stop. Playing. Your. Son. Steve.

Lucas - Played off the park by Ozil and looked badly out of sorts.

Eriksen - Utterly invisible. When he’s good he’s a joy to watch, but so frustrating when he plays like this.

Colback - An unhappy return to Sunderland and lucky to stay on the pitch.

Elia - Looked appalling. Appears to be a downgrade in every way from the players Saints already had in his position.

Ideye - Missed 81 chances and looked like he was going to cry.

Pelle - Only you can take yourself out of this team son. Only you. 1173 minutes...



What you may have missed

Crash. Bang. Wallop. What a fucking goal Charlie Adam. Bobby Zamora’s outrageous finish for QPR. The sound of Manchester United clicking with spanish midfield locksmiths. Diego Costa saying goodbye to this seasons golden boot. Any Newcastle player attempting a shot within the first hour at the Stadium of Light. Leicester giving themselves hope. Burnley giving themselves hope. Hull and Aston Villa suddenly shitting themselves. And Everton. Yeah, Everton. Christ they’ve had a dull league season haven’t they? Does Ross Barkley still play for them or is he just an England specialist like Andros Townsend now? Anyway, let’s give Martinez another year. He’s a likeable chap. And he might just escape from Alcaraz given time... 


https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey