Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Twenty Two

1. Man Utd have to decide to stick or twist.
First, some statistics. So far this season Manchester United have played the current top 9 clubs a total of 10 times. Their record reads won 1, drawn 2, lost 7. A record worse than any of those clubs when compared side to side. The aggregate score in those ten matches is 7-15. And Utd have only once scored more than a single goal. It’s no point throwing any negative adjectives at a record like that… it stands up all on its own. So the decision for Utd is now whether to stick or twist with David Moyes. Based on current form, injuries and the record to date against the teams around them, it is impossible to see how Utd are going to make up the ground required to get 4^th and the coveted Champions League spot. Indeed, it is far more likely that they will be even further behind come the 38^th game than they are now. What message does it send to the players, both present and future that within a single season shorn of Ferguson the club have tumbled from 1^st to 7^th? A club who have never finished lower than 3^rd in the Premier League era. Are Rooney, Van Persie and the few other marquee players going to stay? Are the new kids on the block going to come? The worst case scenario is a Utd team stripped of their star assets, out of Europe and forced into a complete rebuild over a long period of time whilst City, Chelsea et all compete for the main prizes over the next decade. The alternative of course is to give Moyes some time, based on the assumption that he will get better and will have the chance to bring in his own players to improve a very average squad in the summer. This is a nice idea in theory, but is based on the assumption that Moyes has in his locker something he has yet to show any evidence of in his managerial career to date… and that is winning big games against big teams. If Utd keep Moyes they have no chance whatsoever of getting 4^th this season. Sack him, bring in someone else and a couple of new signings and there is at least a chance (all be it a very small one) of momentum turning it round and capitalising on the inconsistencies of the teams above them. It is likely that Utd won’t twist at this juncture though. The squad as well as the manager have been horribly exposed this season and it’s clear that whoever is in charge needs at least six new players. For Utd fans, the question now isn’t whether they’ll be playing Champions League football next season… but if they’ll be playing it at all anytime soon.

2. The defence is refusing to rest.
The season is 22 games old and Arsenal are still top. Shorn of Aaron Ramsey the Gunners have stuttered creatively of late, but they are getting over the line game after tedious game thanks to the inexplicable form of Mertesacker and Koscielny. I say inexplicable only because of the way both these players started their Premier League careers. Neither are especially quick and both seemed prone to the sort of positional errors that you’d expect from a team managed by Mick McCarthy not Arsene Wenger. This weekend’s home win against Fulham was the 29^th game in a row that the two have started and finished unbeaten. Koscielny is all competitive tackling, raw desire and increased ability possibly stemming from Steve Bould sitting him down to watch hour after hour of himself, Adams and Keown keeping clean sheets like they were notches on a bed post. His improvement has been marked, not least in cutting out the errors that littered his early seasons. But his development into one of the finest defenders in the league has been nothing compared to that of Mertesacker. Watching the big German play this season is making it seem like a group illusion that he could have been so abject in his opening campaign. He is composed, classy and his positional ability is now the best in the league bar none. People don’t mention his lack of pace anymore… and he hasn’t got any faster. Combined with a fine young keeper and full backs who have found their form again thanks to genuine competition, Mertesacker and Koscielny have emerged as the season’s best partnership to date. Looking at how Arsenal have done when either of them haven’t played, it may be that Arsene Wenger’s biggest injury fear isn’t Olivier Giroud, but his centre backs.

3. Will the real Adeboyer please stand up.
Few players have managed to look as good and as bad as Emmanuel Adeboyer over the past decade. He has always been an emotional player, and if you ask me for abiding memories of him it would be either that absurd knee slide to the Arsenal fans or the time he refused to square the ball to Thierry Henry for an open goal and the Frenchman fell to the floor and beat his fists on the ground. But amidst the inflated wage transfer dealings and performances so poor he may as well have been invisible; there continues to be bursts of brilliance for a couple of months here, couple of months there that continues to convince you he may be one of the great underappreciated geniuses of our time. Adeboyer rarely seems to actually play football, he wanders around with a general sense of distain for having to be on the pitch at all and then bursts into life at a moment’s notice. He has been central to Spurs’ unexpected renaissance under Tim Sherwood and has scored 5 and created 3 in his last 6 matches. The real tests are still to come though. Can the big striker sustain this form for the rest of the season and give some sort of credible claim to the drunk guy in the corner who thinks Spurs can finish 4^th? Before all that, can he actually deliver a performance when it truly matters. Like, to choose one game at random, the next league game at home to Manchester City. After all, he and the club should need no extra motivation to play well in that one.

4. How much is Yohan Cabaye worth now?
Arsenal’s bid of £10m in the summer is looking more derisory by the week. Newcastle bounced back from their cruel defeat by Manchester City last week with a performance of class and guile masterminded by their very own Napoleon. Cabaye is getting better with age like a fine Bordeaux and, now 28, is littering the Premier League with class almost every week. After that questionable start to the season the Frenchman has scored 7 times in the last 15 games and popped up with 4 further assists. His set piece delivery is unerring and his range of passing would make Paul Scholes tip his hat in appreciation. Cabaye is the heartbeat of a Newcastle team that has grown in confidence with each game. They remain an outside bet for a Europe League place, but most fans would have bitten your hand off for that following their efforts last time around. Talking of biting hands, the mind boggles at Alan Pardew promising to “punish himself” for his outburst last week. That is one video of self-flagellation I’d pay money to avoid…

5. Norwich need to get relegated.
Saving themselves with two games to go last season, Norwich actually managed to finish in mid table and look destined to repeat the trick this time around in a bottom half so bunched it could… hold on, I’ve just realised that my comment above about Alan Pardew implies I would happily pay money to see other videos of self-flagellation. I wouldn’t. I just want to make that absolutely clear.

Absolutely clear.

Where was I? Norwich. Yes. Oh fuck it you all know they’re dull don’t you. 22 games, 18 goals, more nil nils than any team, boring, dull, lifeless… you do the rest, I’m off to bed.

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Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Twenty One

1. Newcastle were hard done by

The sight of Alan Pardew, puffed up like Lucifer arising from the bowels of hell, screaming abuse at his opposite number on Sunday was unsightly, grotesque and shameful. His actions, entirely unforgivable, were at least understandable in the context of a match which could have been played 20 times over and not got the same result. Arsenal recently came to Newcastle and gave a performance of grit and determination, before delivering a classic sucker punch to claim the three points. It was a title winning performance and on the surface this result appeared to be much the same for Manchester City. The truth though, was that City were battered for huge portions of this match and were unbelievably lucky to escape with three points. Wrong offside calls, spurned chances, brilliant keeping and a stone wall should never have been disallowed in a hundred years goal all helped to deny a vibrant Newcastle something from the match. The “goal” was of course the catalyst to all of Pardew’s subsequent rage and, as both a neutral and a “critic,” it’s a decision that gets worse the more you look at it. Let us silence straight away the small, petty band of law studiers who have claimed that “technically, you could see why it wasn’t given.” Let us also ignore the evidence that clearly shows Joe Hart’s vision being in no way at all blocked by Newcastle players. Let us instead focus on the message that denying such a goal sends out to the rest of the league. Put simply, it says to every defending team that following a partly cleared/rebounded corner or set piece your best bet is to sprint as fast as possible forwards because even if somebody smashes an unstoppable pile driver into the corner from 25 yards... it won’t be given because no doubt some opposition player will be standing in an offside position. That, quite frankly, is stupid. It is not in the spirit of the game and is the exact opposite as to why the offside law was modified in the first place. To encourage fluid attacking play, not prevent it. Unless a player is physically obstructing someone, if they don’t touch the ball they are simply not interfering with play. I guarantee that within a fortnight an almost identical goal will have been given. Probably for Chelsea.


2. Would anyone not want a ticket to the upcoming Merseyside derby?

There is a lot of good football being played this year. Manchester City’s home form is ridiculously impressive, Southampton continue to win plaudits for pressing and inventiveness and Stoke have, implausibly, been involved in three of the best games of the season. But if pushed it’s hard to look beyond Everton & Liverpool, in contrasting ways, for the benchmark in entertainment. Just a single point separates the two clubs in 4th and 5th and both won again this weekend in the manner they have done so all season. Nobody in the league is controlling games in the manner that Everton are. They don’t score as many as they maybe could, but they remain the 6th top scorers in the league and now posses the best defensive record to go with it. Everton don’t look like losing any game they play in and there are few higher compliments you can pay teams. Indeed the Toffees have been beaten just twice all season, undone only by the unstoppable might of Man City at home and a freak 10 man defeat by Sunderland. In Gareth Barry they possess the stand out unsung player of the year and they arguably have the best midfield in the league in terms of offering a balance between defence and attack. Liverpool meanwhile are playing an absurdly open game which has seen a ridiculous 70 goals fly in at both ends during the past 15 matches (you do the math). Thankfully for them, most of them are going in at the right end and the team are set up to provide a platform for the talents of Luis Suarez to shine. Suarez needs just 12 more goals to equal Alan Shearer & Andy Cole’s record of 34 goals in a season. At the rate he’s going he will hit that total by his 25th game of the season. It took those two more than 40. So who will win the derby and get the march on the final Champions League spot? Will it matter anyway because Manchester United are going to nip in and... sorry I’ve just died laughing at the thought. I mean, I could have gone for plausibility and written Spurs...


3. The flying wingers are back!

Just a couple of months ago I lamented the lack of flying wingers in Roy Hodgson’s plans for Brazil and scorned the reliance on the injury prone Theo Walcott (injured) and only just arrived at the party Andros Townsend (hasn’t started a game in two months). Well since then the gauntlet has been thrown down and picked up by almost every English winger in the land. Raheem Sterling has added consistency and end product to his previous game of RUNNING REALLY, REALLY FAST. Aaron Lennon has created or scored a goal in each of his past four matches and has been key to Spurs reinvention as an attacking force. Adam Johnson has just scored a fucking hat trick. That’s right, THE Adam Johnson. And all of this while Adam Lallana, statistically the best English player in the league this season, goes from strength to strength. I haven’t even mentioned Adnan Januzaj. Who may still be English depending on who you believe. But probably isn’t. Although Tom Cleverly definitely is. Sadly.


4. Did Solskjaer really know what he was in for?

Finally appointed Cardiff manager a couple of weeks ago, the decision to take over the reigns at the Welsh club was clearly not one taken lightly by the ex baby faced assassin. But that doesn’t change the question... was it the right one? Cardiff have lost both their last two league matches without scoring a goal and have slipped into the bottom three. Indeed, with their next two matches stating Manchester City (away), Manchester United (away) it seems likely they will be bottom as we head into February. I suppose from there the only way is up, but in a frighteningly tight relegation battle there are no guarantees for any team and how will it affect Solksjaer’s career if his first job in English football ends in relegation? Despite the likable nature of the ex Manchester United man, nobody would mourn Vincent Tan’s club being sent back down into the fiery chasm from whence they came. Especially as they now play in red. 


5. The Dane is back.

No not Troels Hartmann, brilliant as he was in last nights episode of Sherlock that ultimately delayed the publication of this blog... Christian Eriksen. After impressing in his first couple of games the youthful Dane was ostracised by AVB presumably for being just too handsome. Still just 21, and born in a town called “middelfart” (not even remotely relevant, but still amusing) - the onfield aviator has been magnificent since being restored to the starting line up by Tim Sherwood. He is scoring goals, creating goals and he is a beautiful footballer to watch. Both in terms of the way he plays the game, all soft touches and whimsically caressed passes, but also just in the way he looks. I mean, if one bloggist can’t come out and say he fancies another man in this day and age I don’t know what the game is coming to. Thank you Thomas Hitzlsperger. Thank you. 



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David Moyes Interviewed by a Hippo

http://goanimate.com/videos/0NHLsFgdFW28?utm_source=linkshare&utm_medium=linkshare&utm_campaign=usercontent

Five Things We Leant From The Festive Football

1. Pass the hammer Hammers. It’s time to nail the coffin of Big Sam shut for good.
With the festive season departing like the sun over the ever lengthening days, few clubs fared worse than West Ham over the season of goodwill. And by few… I mean none. A solitary point from four games was not what any fan would have wished for this Christmas; and it is has left the club 19^th in the table, three points from safety and bereft of ideas as to how to arrest the decline. Sam Allardyce was never welcomed with open arms by the Upton Park faithful. West Ham fans are many things… (insert any expletive in here you want) but they at least expect their club to play something approaching vaguely entertaining football. Ironically, West Ham’s current slump has seen them playing better going forward again. They have scored in all of their recent fixtures and have looked quicker and more creative than during a November slump that saw them play almost entirely without a centre forward. Injuries have not helped at the back, but football is a fickle business and if you spend most of your transfer budget on a striker with a dodgy injury record you’re asking for trouble if he’s never… ever… fit.   The truth is that nobody would miss Big Sam from football and whilst it’s hopelessly wishful thinking that this will be his last job, it may well be his last… um… medium one. The “tackle” from the previously peerless Kevin Nolan today showed exactly how bad things at West Ham now are. To see any of your players, let alone your captain, lash out in that way, clearly frustrated despite the game not even being half over and the scores level, said everything you need to know about the draining hope of this once great football club. Any by once great. I mean when my Dad was a fucking teenager. Big Sam has been sacked unfairly before, but if his porn hustling owners decide to toss him off the Premier League pile this month he will, quite literally, have had it coming.

2. It is no longer an achievement to win at Old Trafford.
Man Utd have been on a good run of late we’ve been told. Six victories on the trot, of which at least one was convincing and none of which were against teams near them in the table. This was the test though. This was a game against, wait for it, a Spurs team managed by a rookie playing in a formation so open you could have picked holes in it with a spoon. A Spurs team whose best player… was Adeboyer. I don’t know what the phrase is for David Moyes, but he is the antitheses of a big game manager. A scrappy win, with a solitary shot, against a jaded and shattered Arsenal remains the only notable achievement of Utd’s Premier League “defence.” When Utd come up against a team who can either a) pass the ball or b) run fast they look completely lost. I’m not going to labour this point, because anyone who watches a live Man Utd game at the moment can see within ten minutes how uniquely average they now are. The title challenge is a farce, the top four a pipe dream and 6^th spot remains the absolute highest the club will achieve this season. To see Wayne Rooney playing the last ten minutes of a game Utd were losing, in defence, spraying balls into the Spurs box with absolutely nobody there was one of the most surreal experiences of my football viewing career. David Moyes had an impossible job on his hands, but he continues to fuck it up week by week by week. The best any Utd fan can now hope for is a summer retaining core stars, buying new ones and shipping out the dead weight ready for a genuine challenge again next year. For most that dead weight now begins with the manager.

3. The title is a three horse race.
Liverpool were hard done by against City and Chelsea, much as I’d love to sit here in my ivory blog and say otherwise. But none of that changes the fact they lost both games and remain a squad that is too thin to challenge for the top honour. With 18 games to go the eventual winner of an entertainingly unpredictable (rather than actually… entertaining) Premier League will be either Chelsea, Arsenal or Manchester City. The latter remain the team to beat as they possess the deepest squad, the deepest pockets and a frightening amount of firepower when the team is on song. City were average this festive period, never once getting into top gear. They scored 10 goals in four games and won all of them. Chelsea aren’t exactly dark horses, but remain curiously enigmatic given they have played terribly for 75% of the season and find themselves 2 points off the top. Now that Jose has cast off his shackles and vowed to play even more defensively than before, they cannot be written off despite only Hazard and Oscar being remotely in form all season long. Finally we come to Arsenal, who are still very much in the mix. Which is probably a curious phrase to use about a team who have led the table from September onwards. Arsenal don’t possess a strong record against the teams around them, but given the slip ups of their rivals to date it may not matter. The Gunners could easily have drawn their last two games and found themselves in 3^rd spot. But, finally, this Arsenal appear to be made of sterner stuff. And I don’t just mean Mathieu Flamini. The Arsenal of the last few seasons would never have taken six points from their last two games and they remain a real threat in what any neutral hopes is a title fight that will go all the way to the wire.

The Wire. What a show that was. I wish that was back on television. I mean real drama isn’t whether a super-rich, overpriced football club from London can win the fucking Premier League. When that show said “the game is the game” – they sure as hell didn’t mean football did they?

They meant chess. Apparently.

4. Walter Szczesny is coming of age.
There are few more maligned figures in football than that of the young goalkeeper. It used to be that keepers would not fully settle into their game until they were at least 30, hitting their best years long after their outfield counterparts ever would. Nowadays anybody who shows a hint of talent is thrust into the spotlight straight away and slammed if they make mistakes based on “errors of judgement.” Having come through his difficult patch, the form of Szczesny has slipped under the radar this year in an Arsenal team filled with players fighting for the “most improved Thor” award. The Polish shot stopper has kept a clean sheet almost every other game and has made 62 saves in his 20 matches to date. To put that into perspective Petr Cech has made 43, Tim Howard 51, Hugo Loris 56, David de Gea 57, Tim Krul 60. Indeed only three keepers have made more saves this season (David Marshall has made an incredible 81) and none of them boast a better shot to save ratio than Szczesny. His decision making has improved, his organisation has improved and well… Arsenal have improved. He may well make another mistake before the season is out. But as I’ve said for many a year, it is not attackers who win you title’s but defenders… and a keeper playing like this is the cornerstone to any such claim. Although it’s been a while since he slammed Spurs for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I mean he’s not even from London? Coming over here, stealing our jobs…

5. The half time report leaves many unanswered questions.
If the title race is a three horse sprint and the remaining Champions League spot the battle for Merseyside, it is becoming increasingly less clear who will join Sunderland in the Championship next year. Despite a much needed victory over Everton this Boxing Day, the Black Cats were indebted to Tim Howard being sent off early and got back to losing ways pretty quick today by once again, inexplicably trusting Jozy Altidore to score the goals required for them to win a game. Crystal Palace are reborn under Tony Pulis and whilst West Ham are struggling, they at least possess some spending power to buy the players to see them to safety. The reality is anyone from Hull in 10^th could still get relegated and just 6 points separate 8 clubs in the lower echelons of the table. Swansea are surely too good to go down, although they keep losing matches. Villa’s solitary world class player can no longer score any goals. Stoke are managed by Mark Hughes, who would never, ever, get a club relegated. And then there are West Brom, Fulham, Cardiff and Norwich. Two of which don’t have a manager, one of which now has three and the other one is somehow still in a job despite spending more money on strikers than 18 of the 20 Premier League clubs and scoring… wait for it… 17… goals… so… far. My tips to go down? Sunderland. Palace. And Norwich.

Hindu Monkey Team of the Season so far:

Szczesny
Coleman Mertesacker Lovren Shaw
Lallana Ramsey Barry Hazard
Suarez Aguero

Manager: Martinez

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