Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Three

Alisson (LIV 6.0) – I can’t actually recall a decent save Alisson has made this season. Aside from that absolute worldie that was in no way straight at him in the Champions League of course. He made none here and watched his side concede three goals to Palace. A team who have only scored six goals at home this season but have matched that away to City and Liverpool. He’s a fine keeper obviously, backed up by an even finer defence. But you know… on the rare occasions his team does actually need him, they could do with him turning up.

Morgan (LEI 4.5) – Like a lumbering zombie in search of fresh meat, Wes Morgan is now 35 and does not have the legs to play at this level. That is not to do a wonderful professional and servant to the club a disservice, but it’s curious that Leicester bought Jonny Evans only to not start him in a game such as this.  Morgan almost rescued himself in this match, and indeed his goal will probably land him a spot in Garth Crooks’ Team of the Weak, but this was a desperate performance at the heart of a defence that was softer than a sunken sponge cake. Jota didn’t have to work hard for any of his goals and indeed could have scored 4 or 5 such was the defending around him at times. Puel and Leicester remain a curious and impossible to predict team – but in truth, in a season of few surprises, we should probably all be grateful for that.

Vinagre (WOL 4.3) – Picked ahead of Matt Doherty it’s safe to say that the young Portuguese wing back did little to claim a full time spot in the team. A successful wing back should be able to tackle, run and cross – but Vinagre can only run. If you’re going to ignore protecting your defence, you need to be able to be of use going forward. Time and time again on Saturday however, Vinagre broke forward and either chose the wrong option or failed to execute the right pass. He was taken off for Doherty for the final 20 minutes and is not likely to trouble the first team again.

Digne (EVE 5.3) – Following up a fine assist and 12 point FPL haul last week, Lucas Digne scored an own goal to record a second minus figure of the season. Indeed, his last 8 matches have produced the dizzying rollercoaster of 10, 3, -1, 17, 2, 1, 12 and -1.

He seems to be involved in a high stakes shoot out with James Maddison for the most wildly inconsistent player this season.

Owners have to accept that they will be partying in Vegas one minute, and losing at bridge to their Nana the next.

Cresswell (WHU 5.0) – Poor at the back and woeful going forward, Aaron Cresswell has regressed this season and this match was indicative of that. Now 29, he should really be settled as the first choice full back for a solid top flight team – yet he has had to compete with Arthur Masuaku for much of the season. Which is a bit like being told you’re being demoted at work to give the lad from work experience a crack. Having finally won his place back this performance would have done him no favours. Pinned back by the excellent Brooks… who is quite literally the lad from work experience – he missed half his tackles and aerial duels; and when he did go forward managed to put over just 3 crosses in 90 minutes, none of which found a team mate.

Kante (CHE 5.0) – Okay, we’ve all had a bit of fun. But this has to stop now. I’m all for Chelsea managers calling out their players – after all no club has veered more dramatically from Champions to utter also-rans over the past decade – but one could hardly blame them fully when they see managers come and go like the changing of the guards; and each one bringing their own rigid set of tactics with them. 

Kante is the world’s best deep lying DM – to see him often as the most forward Chelsea player against Arsenal feels like an affront to the beautiful game. He cannot shoot – like at all – but he also can’t do the bit which comes before that. He is being asked to dribble. He can’t. He has a success rate of 46% this season. He has been dispossessed 37 times and tackled 55 times. That is already more than the entire of last season. He is losing the ball because he is being asked to run with it – which he can’t do. Or at least not as well as what he should be doing – which is protecting his back line.

So far Kante has made 33 interceptions and 154 recoveries. That’s an average of 8 key defensive contributions per match. Last season he averaged 12 – 50% higher. That’s okay though right – because Jorginho is doing that job for him? Wrong – he’s averaging below Kante this season, let alone what the Frenchman was achieving last.

And bear in mind Chelsea didn’t even have a great season last year. Indeed, their manager got sacked off the back of it.

You can blame the inconsistent Luiz, the woeful defensively Marcos Alonso – or the barely bothered Hazard or Willian – but the bottom line is that all top teams need a functioning midfield first and foremost. The current first choice front three for Chelsea are not working in any way that is being asked of them. It needs to change. Sarri needs to change. Or else he will suffer the same fate as everyone before him and a new manager will come in to move everyone around again.

By which time Hazard will be at Real Madrid.

Camarasa (CAR 4.6) – Camarasa has been a decent signing for Cardiff this season – a busy number 10 who can create as well as score. He was as poor as anyone on Saturday though, as Cardiff came up against a Newcastle side that were better all over the park. Which is a statement to drive fear into any Bluebird fan. The on loan Real Betis man did not once get in the box and created just a single, half chance in 90 joyless minutes. 

Willian (CHE 7.2) – Regardless of the system, Willian is in god awful form. He doesn’t look like he can beat a man anymore and his distribution is like a drunken teenager playing paintball. Above all though, he really, really doesn’t look like he cares.

No wonder Hudson-Odoi wants to leave when he can’t get in the team above him.

Richarlison (EVE 6.8) – Since his electric start to the season, Richarlison has now played Fulham, Cardiff, Palace, Leicester and Bournemouth, Southampton and Brighton – the first five at home – and has scored in none of them. Indeed he seems to be getting worse, not better, at leading the line in Silva’s system. He had just a single touch in the box on Saturday and indeed only made 23 touches in the entire match. I don’t like to hang my hat on xG at the best of times… but when it’s 0.00 it’s pretty obvious someone isn’t likely to score.

On the one hand criticizing Everton is a little unfair. They can only really finish 7^th and are 8^th.

But on the other – they have two players who cost £100m as their 9 and 10 and are struggling to break down some of the worst defences in the league.

Given they almost never keep clean sheets – Silva has problems wherever he looks.

Barnes (BUR 5.7) – After a mini flurry of goals (if 2 goals in 4 counts as a flurry) – people queued up at the station to jump on the Ashley Barnes train with the inviting fixtures of Fulham and Watford. Barnes has scored in neither, and missed a guilt edged chance this weekend to probably end this charade for another 12 months and see Sam Vokes quietly returned to the team to do… er… exactly the same.

Man Burnley strikers are shit.

Llorente (TOT 5.6) – But you know. Not this shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwDBZuHw7l8

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Two

Patricio (WOL 4.5) – A touch harsh, but with no keeper conceding more than 2 goals this game week bar the Wolves stopper, he kicks things off as the defacto choice. Also, he doesn’t really dive. Like at all. It’s like he considers it beyond him. Literally I suppose.

Mustafi (ARS 5.4) – Arsenal were terrible at West Ham – devoid of creativity, energy and nous. When Alex Iwobi is your best player it’s time to retire from the sport. Mustafi has never really been a good defender; his 20 caps for the national team feel more like a typo than anything grounded in reality. He was withdrawn early against West Ham after being pulled all over the place by the movement of Samir Nasri. A guy who has just come back from a year long doping ban.

Boly (WOL 4.6) – The sort of tackle that would have been cheered to the rafters when I was a lad. But I’m not a lad now. I’m almost 40. And it was a fucking ridiculous challenge.

Bryan (FUL 4.8) – This week’s obligatory Fulham defender goes to Joe Bryan. Who scored an own goal, was generally rubbish and has helped his side now keep a single clean sheet in 22 matches. It would take a minor miracle for one of Fulham or Huddersfield to stay up this season. Although ironically if you combined the back eight of Huddersfield and the front three of Fulham they might have a chance.

The back eight of Fulham and the front three of Huddersfield meanwhile…

Fucking hell… that would be like waking up with no teeth.

Ake (BOU 5.0) – This blog is hardly a unique resting place for a hapless Bournemouth defender, but this is a debut for Nathan Ake. The former Chelsea man was imperious at the start of the season, but now looks more like a lamb who has lost his mother, wandering aimlessly around the hills with a sad look on his face. Bournemouth have won 1 in 9 and kept a clean sheet just once in the last 12. No wonder Man Utd have stormed into… no wait… they’re still 6^th…

The same position they were in when they sacked Jose?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jorginho (CHE 4.7) – Chelsea continue to flatter to deceive this season, despite still sat calmly in the top four wondering what all the fuss is about. The merits of Jorginho replacing the world’s best holding midfielder have been widely discussed in other, more respectable publications than this. The Monkey’s view continues to be one of bafflement than fury. Mainly because watching Kante try and play in an advanced inside right position provides one with such comical befuddlement each week that I almost don’t want it to end.

Regardless of this, Jorginho had a poor game on Saturday. Indeed his own manager delivered the strange comment post match that had he still had Cesc Fabregas, he would have come on at half time.

If Chelsea are going to continue to employ a quarter back where a terrier once was – they probably need to keep more clean sheets and have their midfield general not make 20,000 passes without registering an assist.

Xhaka (ARS 5.3) – It says everything about the state of Arsenal that they can run down the contract of Aaron Ramsey whilst continue to play Granit Xhaka. One of the worst players ever to play regularly for the club. The Sunday league hacker come Swiss watchmaker was woeful on Saturday – eventually dragged before the hour mark after being dominated by England Non International Mark Noble.

Frankly Unai… if you keep picking him… so will I.

Mendy (LEI 4.5) - Beaten at home by a Saints side freed from the shackles of ineptitude that was life under Mark Hughes; much of this result was due to the work of Mendy. Firstly shoving Shane Long onto the ground for no apparent reason to concede a penalty; and following this up with getting essentially tackled by Shane Long to concede a goal.

Shane Long. I mean... dude... come on.

Mane (LIV 9.5) – It seems strange to pick out a player who is a key component of the side at the top of table – but Liverpool continue to appear to gain points despite, rather than because, of their Senegalese winger. Mane started the season with a bang, but has scored just two goals since Cardiff back in game week 10. More of a note however, has been his creativity. Or rather lack of it. Extraordinarily, Mane has registered an assist in just a single league match this season. A double against Watford.

2 assists all season, in a single match, for a winger playing in a team who have scored 50 goals so far.

I don’t really have anything witty to say about it. I’m just kinda letting you all know at this point.

Hazard (CHE 11.1) – To say Hazard doesn’t enjoy being a centre forward is a bit of an under statement. Clearly at his best playing off a big striker (who isn’t Morata) it’s strange to see him continue to be deployed in this role whilst the sublimely mediocre, but visibly effective, Olivier Giroud warms the bench.

Part of me admires the stubbornness of Sarri. He’s like a Geography teacher trying to work out why meanders meander.

Poor Hazard meanwhile, is starting to resemble the lad who’s being punished for not colouring in his map correctly.

Mounie (HUD 5.8) – 1 goal in 1126 of league football this season.

Excrement.