Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Thirteen

Feathers fly in Welsh bird shit battle
Usually a 5-4 scoreline suggest a fluent game of pulsating, end to end attacking football. You can normally take defensive errors as read, but this weekend’s match up between the Swans and the Eagles contained 7 of the scruffiest goals you’re ever likely to see. Even the two before that featured a miskick, a defender falling over and a keeper just stepping to one side to allow a free kick to go past him. No, this was a rubbish game of football featuring two teams who cannot defend and who are both highly likely to go down unless they can arrest that fact. Swansea will at least be buoyed by actually winning a match for the first time since the opening day, and the fact that a striker of theirs scored twice in a match for the first time since Wilfried Bony left. Palace meanwhile, led by “the best header of the ball in Europe” Christian Benteke (no Phil Neville… just no) need to find a way to win matches again and fast. Continuing with a back four who haven’t kept a clean sheet in 8 matches isn’t really working for starters. And allowing Yohan Cabaye to keep that haircut and get booked every single match isn’t helping either.

Strikers will determine this season’s title
The common consensus is that Liverpool won’t have enough to get over the line. Their merry band of midfield maestros will eventually come unstuck, get injured and realise that the defence they have behind them is made up of balsa and James Milner… who along with Gareth Barry, possibly remains the best worst (not a typo) player ever to play in the league. That leaves City, Chelsea and Arsenal – all of which have their main man playing in the number 9 role and currently leading by example. However, should Aguero, Costa or Sanchez get seriously injured, it becomes very difficult to make a case for any of those teams to sustain a title push. City and Chelsea have young, talented but largely unproven strikers in reserve and Arsenal have Oliver Giroud. Actually he might be the best worst player ever to play in the league. Or the worst best. It’s hard to say. Either way, if Sanchez gets fucked, so does Wenger. Bring on the winter break Arsene…

The Saints Academy keeps on going
Keeping the likes of Shane Long out of the starting line up, Josh Sims stepped into the limelight this Sunday and made short work of a tired and ailing looking Everton team. The Southampton Youth Academy has produced too many great players over the years to list here, but as managers come, go and move on to apparently better things, the work behind the scenes keeps going and Saints make a mockery out of the lack of first team youth players at Manchester City and Chelsea, to name but two clubs at random. Full marks then to Les Reed, once dubbed the worst manager in Premier League history, who has been the Head of Football Development on the south coast for the past six years and has been instrumental in the revival and continued stability of the club. As for Everton, Koeman cut a frustrated manager post-match. He looked like many before him, who have struggled for consistency in a team that blows hot and cold with alarming regularity. It’s not all bad news for the Blues mind, they have Manchester United up next. Who need 58 chances per goal…

Spurs need to find their rhythm
That pulsating demolition of Manchester City aside, Spurs have often looked lethargic this season. Their poor form masked by drawing most of their games rather than actually losing. Having finally ended that streak on Saturday, in a funny way that might be the best thing to wake them from their slumber. Alli, Eriksen and Kane have all flickered rather than flared so far… and Moussa Sissoko has been flat out appalling. Although it’s hard to see how one of the laziest people ever to play professional football was likely to be a good signing for a high pressing side like Spurs. Tottenham have three hugely winnable home games in a row, with a trip to Old Trafford sandwiched in between. 10 points from that and everything looks a lot better, but much less and it will be hard to make a case for how they can improve on last season and not find themselves back in the Europa league once more. Not allowing Kevin Wimmer anywhere near a football pitch until he’s gone back to defensive school might also be a good move.

Deeney and Ighalo need a time machine to this point in 2015
It was about this time last year when Deeney and Ighalo hit their stride and propelled Watford to early safety with a terrific goal scoring run. The pair ended up with 29 goals to their name last season, but currently sit on just 4 this time around. Indeed, the two have them scored just 3 times in open play in over 2,000 minutes of football. A goal every 675 minutes between them. Which is garbage. Watford are a good team. Well organised, creative and fit. If their two strikers can just find anything resembling last season’s form, they’ll be very difficult to beat indeed. I said this a month ago… and they’ve not scored since. Come on lads, at least try and prove me wrong.

Team of the Weak

The entire back lines of Swansea and Crystal Palace

And Lukaku

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Eleven

Chelsea look the real deal
11-0 last week, make that 16-0 now. Chelsea are on the sort of run that must have their manager cursing for yet another near meaningless international break (just play all the games in June lads, come on now). If they’ve been impressive of late, they were down right unplayable on Saturday. They tore through Everton like a pack of wolves, scoring five goals on their way to their march to the top of the table (if only for a day). Conte is the master of 3-5-2 that all others should aspire to, and one wonders when it will become the league’s default formation of choice. The 4-2-3-1 is so 2012. And absolutely bollocks when you have an immobile striker in the pivotal role. Chelsea were the only team to keep a clean sheet this weekend and you can’t see any team scoring against them the way they are playing. They have an incredible blend of solidity, creativity, pace and power and have, in Eden Hazard, a streak of absolute pure genius. I wrote Chelsea off at the start of the season and am starting to regret such words now. If they can keep Hazard and Costa fit for the whole campaign, a la Leicester with Mahrez and Vardy of last, then there is a very good chance at least one Fox will retain his winners medal next year.

Which brings us to...

Leicester are already being forgotten
It already seems like an illusion that Leicester won the title last season. Their implausible Champions League form has kept the dream going a bit longer, but it seems to have been barely mentioned that they are now 14th in the league and playing largely rubbish. Had United or City offered up this sort of title defence they would be getting abuse left, right and centre and rightfully so. Leicester have won 3 games all season, the same number as Hull. They are only 2 points off the relegation zone with both Burnley and Watford sitting above them. The lure of Europe was always going to be a distraction and nobody expected them to win it again. But Leicester need to rally a little to stop this being the worst defence of a title in history. Get the pizza out Claudio, and find something to put on it.

Alan Shearer doesn’t know what World Class is

A few years back, had Alan Shearer proudly announced that Sergio Aguero was the league’s “only World Class player” there probably wouldn’t have been too much arguing about it. But things have changed a bit since then; and with the football now being played under the likes of Guardiola, Conte, Klopp and Pochettino - it does feel as if the league is slowly, but surely lifting from it’s slumber of mediocrity and is ready to challenge on the European stage again. Both Leicester and Arsenal have already all but qualified from their Champions League groups with two games to spare, and City have just beaten, nay, soundly beaten Barcelona. De Bruyne, Coutinho, Sanchez, Ozil and Hazard are all World Class players - no matter what Shearer says - and that’s straight off the bat. And Kante? Payet? David fucking De Gea? These are players who any team in the world would have in their squads. Firmino would get in Real Madrid’s starting 11, he’s potentially the most underrated player in World football right now. And if we’re going to take Shearers lame definition seriously that to be World Class you have to do have “done it at the top level for years” - then I’m pretty sure Mr “I thought it was just me who had scored 25,000 career goals” Zlatan has a claim. You know, that guy who won 37 titles in a row. Or something. I forget. Shearer is a wanker. That was my main point...

Boro continue to make the case for the defence

Back to back away draws against City and Arsenal, with a home win over Bournemouth in between; Boro looked out of their depth a few weeks back but have since picked up an improbable five points from their recent fixtures and conceded just one goal en route. Middlesbrough came up from the Championship with a very solid defensive base and after a tricky spell, Karanka has settled on a line up that has begun to treat this league in the same way as they did the last. Boro are incredibly well organised and were disciplined throughout their draw at the Etihad. The points away at City and Arsenal have not been freak shows, with ridiculous goalkeeping performances or hundreds of shots flying at their goal (see Burnley to both Liverpool & United). Far from it, they have been examples of teams going away from home and following a plan from start to finish. Both manager and players deserve full credit for that, and if they can keep free flowing Chelsea out next up, they truly will be worth paying attention to.

Rooney and Ibrahimovic put pension plans on hold
Following a truly luckless run of results, Manchester United finally got back to winning ways after an Ibrahimovic brace returned them to the dizzy heights of 6th in the table. Set up for both goals by Rooney, the refusing to retire gracefully pensioners of world football ensured that a desperately poor Swansea team were dispatched with enough ease not to raise any further questions about where in god’s name Henrikh Mkhitaryan is being kept. The Armenian could not even make a squad list which included at least six players who were expected to leave the club this summer. It’s hard to think of a United back four as poor as the one that Jose named for this match, almost as if he’d tossed all his defenders in the air to see which ones would land on their feet... and was still left with Phil Jones to choose from. Thank heavens then for Michael Carrick, who could do a lot worse right now than take Paul Pogba out to a training pitch and show him how to pass a ball over... and over... and over again.

Granted, Pogba would probably flick it up and smash one in on the volley for a laugh. But you know, let’s do the simple stuff first eh Paul.

Team of the Weak:

Fabianski - when you concede three goals and don’t make a single save, it’s not your day
Jagielka - that got ugly, real, real quick Phil
Holebas - but not as ugly as that
Kelly - when you’re dragged because you’re defending so badly against Burnley, you’ve got problems

Yoshida - a terrible footballer. Just terrible. How does he still get games? Southampton must have 25 academy centre backs just ready to be better
Navas - just... no
Bolaise - been in good form of late, but was destroyed by Alonso and Hazard and his early substitution felt like a mercy killing
Eriksen - was utterly anonymous and could not influence the game. Not for the first time this season
Drinkwater - awful error gifted West Brom the match and never grabbed the game as he did last season. Looks lost without Kante
Deeney - looks overweight and overpaid right now. Watford need him to start scoring. The defence can’t keep bailing the side out. Especially not against Liverpool
Lorente - allegedly playing up front for Swansea City

Until we meet again

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey