Sunday 18 September 2016

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Five

This one is going to get ugly...

Mark Hughes is on borrowed time
Back to back 4 goals reverses is never a good sign, more so when you consider that Stoke have now been thrashed in half of their last dozen matches. They are in free-fall. A shadow of the side that shimmered with menace midway through last season. The defence, shorn of Jack Butland, looks woeful and whatever blend Hughes is going for in attack he can’t find anything like the right mix.

Stoke’s manager has been here before. He has always had a higher opinion of himself than others, almost like a mini, Welsh Alan Pardew. He will need all of his self confidence to drag the Potters from this current rot. Stoke have West Brom, Hull, Sunderland and Swansea in their next five matches. If Hughes is to be in charge come the end of that run, his team needs to find the winning formula again soon.

Rooney stinks strongest in sea of excrement
After winning their first three matches and signing the most expensive player in the world, United fans could be forgiven for thinking the dark days were gone for a while. United have since lost the next three and have been largely dreadful in all of them. Mourinho’s team rallied after the break against City and their were signs of that again here following another Marcus Rashford strike... but another Watford goal saw United fall apart and the stench of the post Fergie era loomed large once more across the pitch. 

This was a desperately poor performance from United. The fullbacks did not get behind the Watford defence, Smalling and Bailey were clumsy and Marouane Fellaini neither tackled, headed or passed to any degree expected of a professional football. What must Paul Pogba be thinking? £90m and you play the guy with a basketball thug on one side and the decrepit Wayne Rooney the other? Granted Pogba was terrible... but he still stood out like polished diamond compared to the mountainous pile of shit that was the United captain.

I said at the start of this season United will win no major honours until Rooney is removed from the starting eleven. Under his captaincy both United and England have gone backwards; despite near billions being spent on his club’s squad and a sea of talented youngsters coming through for the national side. He is a millstone of feces around the neck of this club. Mourinho spent pre-season warmly telling the press that his captain was a ‘9 or a 10”, but certainly not a midfielder. Anybody could spray passes from deep unchallenged he said. What then Jose was Rooney doing playing on the right of a midfield three, spraying (largely inaccurate) passes from deep for the first half? Jose avoided the question, as he has avoided the Rooney/Zlatan/Pogba through the middle conundrum all season to date. But why did he avoid it? Jose is brutally honest at times and no stranger to calling out his players when they perform as badly as this. Rooney has played terribly for three years yet remains this sides captain for no reason anybody who watches the games can fathom. At the risk of starting a conspiracy theory, one wonders if his contract directly prohibits him being dropped for x number of matches? His presence and form has already helped claim the scalp of one former great manager... surely he cannot be allowed to claim another.

Having been given the job, Phelan now needs to be given time
Mike Phelan is expected to be formally announced as Hull’s manager in the next 24 hours. Which may come as a slight surprise to anybody who assumed he already was their manager. Apparently not. After one of the longest caretaking stints in history, certainly for the opening part of a season, Phelan will be given the responsibility of keeping Hull in the top flight this season. He must therefore, be given just that... the season. This is a job that nobody in football wanted to touch and who’s former manager walked away from it with the season about to start. Hull were written off from day one and it would be hugely insulting if Phelan was shown the door having steadied the ship and earnt the loyalty of his players.

After a superb start, Hull have fallen away of late and aren’t exactly helped by a trip to free-flowing Liverpool next weekend. After that though, the fixtures turn in their favour and Phelan needs to bring out the best from an experienced back line and hard working centre. It is up front though where he really needs to work some magic. Robert Snodgrass has been involved in virtually all of Hull’s goals this season and keeping the mercurial winger fit will be vital. The strikers ahead of him need to find their feet too. Abel Hernandez is a talented player and having itched for a summer move that never came, the Uruguayan  needs to get his head down and realise the best thing for both him and his current club, is to start scoring.

Man City are going to be tough to beat
City have made a mockery of the loss of their star striker in the last two games, winning away at their rivals and then thumping Bournemouth this Saturday. Guardiola has eased his way in to English football nicely and with five wins out of five and only Everton so far keeping touch with them, the Spaniard has sent out an ominous early warning to the other title pretenders. Their squad is deep, their pockets deeper and Sterling and De Bruyne are playing like £50m players. 

That is how much they cost? Really? £50m for Raheem Sterling? That can’t be right. Well... I guess if you’re managed by Pep, that doesn’t look too bad after all...

Foxes aren’t going to go away quietly
Anybody who has written Leicester off as an afterthought to this season should probably remember who is writing their scripts. After a dreadful opening loss to Hull and being humbled by Liverpool it would be easy to condemn the Foxes to an inevitably poor title defence and a probable mid table finish. Whilst that might still happen, the Foxes screamed back to life this week with resounding 3-0 victories in both the Champions and Premier League. Leicester have brought well and Ranieri has been careful not to incorporate all his players into the side too quickly, letting them acclimatise to the league’s pace whilst keeping his loyal band of troops onside. Slimani looked extremely good this weekend. The Algerian striker plundered 31 goals for Lisbon last season and looks tailor made for the style of football his new team play. Leicester play Manchester United and Mourinho next. Whatever happens... it will probably be worth watching.

Team of the Weak 

Given - Stoke must have a better keeper on their books? They must have? Given is 40 for fucks sake. Come on.
Livermore - Has started the season well but this was not his day. Torn apart by Sanchez all afternoon and eventually dismissed.
Smalling - Awful error early on and never covered himself in glory thereafter. Can we have Blind back now please.
Martins Indi - Dominated by Andros Townsend. Words nobody wants on their CV.
Ayala - Given the once over by a free flowing Everton attack and never looked comfortable
Fellaini - A genuine horror show. Literally did nothing right.
Rooney - Somehow, someway, even worse than the above.
Wilshire - Well, he didn’t get injured I suppose...
Hazard - Couldn’t influence the game and in the bigger matches Chelsea badly need him to.
Llorente - Apparently is playing up front for Swansea but evidence remains sketchy.
Lukaku - Just for the absolute nerve of claiming a goal when you didn’t touch it... and then actually being given it? Sort it out Premier League, you can’t just give goals to people who want them more.


Jokers. Goodnight.


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