Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Five

How long before Bilic’s bubble bursts?
Slaven Bilic’s debut season was a riotous affair of goals, glory and guile. They won their first three away games at Arsenal, Liverpool and City and eventually finished 7^th with 65 goals and several new admirers. Dimitri Payet went from a nobody to one of the best midfielders in the world. Bilic went from an Eastern European Bond Villian… to a God.

Fast forward 15 months or so and West Ham have regressed massively. They crawled to 11^th last season but after expecting to build on the success of the previous year, they instead lost their best player and have struggled badly with the move away from Upton Park. West Ham have added experience to their squad this summer but currently sit in 18^th place, with a minus 7 goal difference and a side that looks ill equipped for the might and muscle of the top league. Especially with the worrying site of Michail Antonio, far and away their most direct player, limping away from the pitch in the first half this Saturday lunchtime.

The Hammers now embark on a strong run of fixtures that they simply have to get results from, starting with Swansea at home. A defence that continues to ship this many goals needs to be re-thought, and up front they need to find a way to fit Carroll and Hernandez in the same side without sacrificing the talents of either. In a league where Heskey and Owen were once the most deadly combination in England, Bilic could do worse than watch some old footage. The big man/little man combo might not be fashionable anymore… but then neither was 3 at the back 2 years ago.

Goals a Premium for mid-table bore-horses
Huddersfield, Burnley, West Brom and Southampton currently sit between 7^th and 11^th in the league table. Man City have scored more goals then they have managed between them. The reason they are there is due to solid, study defensives, but one does wonder what they could be capable of if they let the hand-brake of a little. Huddersfield have conceded just three goals in six games, keeping four clean sheets. A remarkable statistic for a newly promoted club expected to go down. But themselves and Burnley, who sit in 8^th, never really looked like scoring at the weekend and both clubs smacked of playing safe rather than taking a risk to go for the winner. West Brom are used to pragmatism from Pulis, but yet another goalless afternoon for Southampton must be starting to grate for Saints fans who are far from short of attacking options. In their last fourteen league matches Southampton have scored just seven goals. Indeed, they haven’t scored in eight of their last nine home games!? That is desperate stuff whichever way you look at it. If they carry on like this they will beat Derby’s unenviable scoring record and it’s hard to see them staying up unless they keep around 25 clean sheets. Play two up front people… it’s really not that crazy a concept.

Everton need to pick their best team, not their best eleven players
Ronald Koeman has had a tough start to things this season, although it should be noted that things are nowhere near as bad at Everton as some would have you believe. An early start with the Europa League was coupled with losing their best player and the worst set of opening fixtures in the league. In fairness, Everton are probably exactly where they should be so far given their fixtures, and would hope to climb up the table now they have eased off.

However, they need to stop picking three players who fulfil the same role and trust their young, talented youth players to shine. There was zero balance to Everton’s opening 45 minutes in which 3, slow ball players occupied the spots behind Calvert-Lewin. Things changed when Rooney and Klaassen were replaced by Davies and Niasse. Suddenly Everton had a front three of pace and power with Sigurdsson pulling the strings in behind. Everton scored twice to come from behind and relieve some pressure upon their manager.

They need to kick on from here and find their best 11. A consistent defence and formation would also help. And you know, not getting Rooney who is 31 going on 41, to play every minute of every game…

Morata mauls hapless Stoke
In fairness 4-0 flattered Chelsea, who were under siege for several sections of this match and were lucky to keep Marcos Alonso on the pitch after committing two yellow card offences back to back and only getting cautioned for one. Conte withdrew the wing-back following that, much to the horror of his several thousand fantasy football owners… and Chelsea never looked back. Morata has settled well to life in the Premier League and looks a complete footballer. Brilliant both on the ground and in the air, he is a different striker to Costa but arguably a more adaptable one.

He also comes without the risk of getting booked every five minutes and whilst he lacks the pantomime charm of his predecessor… he doesn’t appear to be… well, you know, an absolute fucking c**t.

As the Premier League settles into what looks to be a four horse race (I’m sorry Liverpool… but you aren’t winning shit with that defence) – keeping Morata fit and on form looks vital if Chelsea are to stop their title ending up back in Manchester.

Brighton & Newcastle bring early winter to the seaside
The first 45 minutes of this match were amongst the most turgid I’ve ever witnessed in football. Certainly since I last watched the England national team try to play in a tournament. Almost devoid of creativity, it contained some final balls that made it look like I was playing my 4 year old at FIFA. Over hit crosses, under hit crosses, through balls that were ten yards off target and long, aimless diagonals that ran out of play. It was shocking.

Thankfully for Brighton fans, they improved in the second half and scored through the one moment of genuine class all match. A superb free kick from Gross was headed back across goal and steered in by Hemed. It was deserved solely on the merit of being the only bit of good play in 90 minutes of filth. Newcastle couldn’t rally, despite Brighton retreating faster than the Allies at Gallipoli. Matt Ritchie played like a man who only had the “shoot” button available to him and if anybody could tell me the point of Ayoze Perez I’m all ears. Newcastle can and will play better. Which is a good job as they have Liverpool up next and if they play like this they’ll concede ten.

Although on the flip side… at least they’ll score.

Team of the Weak

Mignolet – Saving a rubbish penalty that you conceded doesn’t make it okay Simon.
Dann – Had absolutely no answer to the movement and magic of City’s second half attack.
Aurier – Trippier rejoice – it’s okay, your replacement is absolute bobbins!
Martins Indi – Mauled by the marauding Morata.
Fonte – Is currently looking worse than Lovren. Maybe Liverpool didn’t buy the wrong centre back after all.
Maguire – Harry you might be the best centre back in the opposition box in the league. But you know, try and remember your day job at times…
Ritchie – Absolutely fucking awful performance.
Klaassen – Toothless, without craft or pace and inexplicably went back to Ajax after the match to be paraded around the pitch. Everton could do worse than leave him there.
Alli – Assisted two goals but could have scored four or five. Literally fell over or stood on the ball six times when all but clean through second half.
Perez – A sham of a Premier League footballer
Wood – Started life well but was poor, rarely got involved and missed the one big chance he got horribly.

Anything else to add? Oh yeah, there’s still one game left. Arsenal v West Brom – a game that could end up as anything, but will probably just be 0-0.

No hold on I still have an Arsenal player to come in from my fantasy team. So 1-0 West Brom. Hail Pulis.

Happy Hunting.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Four

Liverpool punished as Newcastle profit
The Mane red card has dominated post match discussion here and you can see why. One of those decisions that is both correct (by the letter of the law) and wrong (by all the the laws of common sense) - there is no doubt it changed the game in City’s favour. Pool should have been ahead but for the errant finishing of Salah, but there was no excuse for their total capitulation following the red card. They folded like a pack of cards and were rightfully punished for it. 

The key to the red card though for me, is as always, consistency. And we didn’t have to wait long to once again show the flaws in our current game. This afternoon Matt Ritchie committed an almost identical offence on Alfie Mawson. High boot, in the face, looking at the ball, not intentional, apologised straight away. This time though the card was yellow and it’s tempting to say the difference was it was an outfield player and not our often overly protected keepers. As it was, Ritchie stayed on the pitch and delivered the cross for Newcastle to snatch all three points.

Thems... as they say... are the breaks.

Stoke continue to potter with the big boys

Stoke are the mid table team of mid table teams. Since being promoted to the Premier League they have finished 12th, 11th, 13th,14th, 13th, 9th, 9th, 9th, 13th. Just five positions difference spanning across a decade - never once flirting with either relegation or Europe (although they did qualify via the FA Cup once). Yet they are not a side that merely beats those below them and loses comfortably to those above. No. Stoke have been a consistent thorn in the side of bigger clubs since they gate crashed the main event ten years ago. After beating Arsenal they held United on Saturday with a typically robust and passionate performance. The Potters aren’t just chavs who like to rough up the poshies though, they can play football and play it well... certainly since they swapped Pulis for Hughes. A man who loves nothing more than putting one over a supposedly bigger and better club than his own.

Stoke won’t finish in the top six, and they won’t go down. They’re going to finish mid-table. But their season will be entertaining and unpredictable along the way. And let’s be frank... no club should ever think their fans are the best until they’ve gone to a cold, windy night in Stoke and witnessed those fuckers make that much noise.

September blessing for hapless Kane
Kane had 24 shots in August and couldn’t score... in September he scored without even shooting. Alas, I cannot take credit for that line, given I stole it from an anonymous nobody on Twitter (thank you cruel internet). Both Spurs and Kane benefited from a lifting of the curse and Harry soon followed up his 100th goal with his 101st. In truth though, he should have scored 5 or 6 and he still looks like a player who isn’t quite at the races yet. Likewise Deli Alli, who’s mood certainly won’t be helped by FIFA investigating him for flipping the middle finger at Kyle Walker. Tough for the lad that. Who’d have thought that the biggest governing body in sport wouldn’t fall for the “my dog ate my homework” of pathetic excuses.

And yes dear reader I know what you’re saying. Spurs won 3-0 and I’m insulting Kane and Alli.

Yes. Everton were that... fucking... bad.

Sun returns to the Seasiders
Brighton are off and running in the Premier League with a 3-1 win over West Brom. Tony Pulis’ men were seemingly so excited about a trip to the seaside they forgot to defend. All of which was great news for Pascal Gro... er... Gross? Grob? My keyboard literally doesn’t have that symbol... help me out here...

Anyway, I didn’t watch the game, and my knowledge of Brighton is limited to Fatboy Slim and the recently acquired knowledge that my mate lives next door to Louise Wener.

She’s 51 now by the way. Just let that sink in for a moment.

I apologise Brighton fans, I'll learn about your team more as the season progresses and you get games on TV that don't involve you just parking a bus across the pitch.

Watford make inroads again

Watford are unbeaten, 4th in the table and haven’t conceded a goal since the opening game. This isn’t a fluke. Watford have a very, very good manager. Marco Silva almost performed the miracles of miracles last season trying to keep Hull in the top flight, and it’s refreshing that a club saw that for the achievement it was, by keeping him in the division. Watford are very well organised, resilient and have signed some fantastic looking midfielders who’s names I can’t possibly spell or pronounce.

This year’s Leicester? Maybe not. But don’t expect a post Europe Manchester City to roll them over this weekend. If nothing else Silva looks to have a fighting chance of staying for more than one season. Which is the Watford equivalent of winning the Champions League.

Team of the Weak:

Forster - has not looked back to his best yet this season and was beaten by two long range efforts. 

Williams - a wonderful defender who seemed to age ten years during this match.

Alexander-Arnold - was taught an absolute lesson by De Bruyne and Silva

Bailey - brilliant so far this season, but played like he was being controlled by a child on strings at times.

Dann - did fine at the back, but you can’t avoid getting in here when you miss an open goal from two yards out Scott. Certainly not when you’re in my fucking fantasy football team.

Any of Everton’s midfielders - seriously... so bad

Salah - should have put Pool 3 up before Mane spoiled the party. I’ve seen better shooting at Chesterfield.

Townsend - you remember that time when Townsend came out saying how good he was and what fools we all were for doubting his proven international class? Well, he sure is showing us right now...
Fer - created nothing, got booked, missed a sitter. Taxi...
King - looks like he needs a hug. A shadow of his last season self.
Gabbidinni - is it one d? or two? one n? it’s def two b’s? and fuck all goals. again.

Finally - for no reason other than they were utterly awesome I feel compelled to mention the saves of Fabianski and David De Gea this weekend. Both completely brilliant... and both, ultimately, meaningless.

Happy Hunting

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Three

Salah shines as Arsenal wilt
I won't repeat myself regarding Arsenal, although in fairness to them they are declining at an even more rapid rate that I gave them credit for, so I will instead turn to the positives at Anfield... of which each and every one of them was decked in red. Liverpool crushed an abject, almost infantile Arsenal side with consummate grace and reckless ease. Key to this victory were the performances of Can in midfield, and Salah up front. Can remains possibly the most forgotten and under-rated of all Klopp's players. He plays like an Alonso or a Xavi, but has more physical prowess than both. He is strong in the tackle, in the air, can shoot and can pass both short and long. He is not the finished article. But he is 23. And when he plays like this he is certainly the equal of an on song Paul Pogba.

Liverpool dominated midfield to an almost embarrassing degree; although in fairness it was three vs one most of the match, such was Wenger's inability to assemble a team that could follow the mere basics of a formation. But up front Pool were often outnumbered and still tore their opponents to shreds. Mane and Firmino were both excellent but this was Salah's show. Only his finishing let him down in a game where he should have had at hat-trick. His pace is frightening but Salah is far from a Theo Walcott patented blind alley. His positional sense is excellent and time and time again he found the space to punish Arsenal.

Liverpool will get sterner tests that this as the season unfolds. Hell, most of their squad will meet more resistance taking their next shit than they did here... but this was still a ruthless and accomplished outing nonetheless.

Huddersfield and Brighton flicker in different directions
These two promoted clubs were both set to struggle this season, but at this early stage that only looks the case for the one on the South Coast. Huddersfield sit in second place having yet to concede a goal whilst Brighton sit near the bottom, having yet to score one. In all honesty, both their games this week were entirely forgettable, but Brighton really need to find a way to score some goals... especially as they played most of their match against a team with ten men. The Terriers have had a kind start to the season by virtue of the fixture list, but they have certainly taken advantage of it and look well place to defend their points tally when the bigger boys come around.

Brighton do at least have the gifted Anthony Knockaert on their books and the Frenchman was their best player by some distance on Saturday. Keeping him fit and finding a striker who can put away, quite frankly literally anything before the transfer window shuts... is a must if they are to have any chance of surviving.

De Boer looks skewered
No team look worse than Crystal Palace right now. Which given the players they have on their books is both perverse and insane. They look like a squad of footballers who simply have no idea how to follow out the orders from the manager giving them. Yet to get a point, yet to score, yet to figure out what the hell they're supposed to be doing... Palace were beaten 2-0 by Swansea. A result that instantly caused the board to issue a statement that they would be "talking" to De Boer.

One imagines the conversation will mostly be around identity theft and whether the man they have in charge of their football club is in fact the Ajax and Dutch legend... and not just someone who told them a porky on their CV.

For my money, Frank has two more games before he gets the chop.

(I'm sorry... I know. But I could have got more in. I really didn't go the whole hog)

Sterling pays for his effort
Raheem Sterling's late winner and subsequent sending off served to highlight two things this weekend. Firstly, that we should all remember that lots of people associated with football are incredibly stupid. And secondly, that it papered over yet again quite how poor City often were. Crucially it doesn't matter what Pep or any pundit thinks (cough... Shearer) - or how rightfully happy Sterling was to score a dramatic winner in the 97th minute... the rule is simple. It's a stupid rule, but the players know it and it's not like it's just been introduced. Vilifying the referee who quite literally would have not being doing his job had he not given a second yellow is immature and reckless.

Of more pressing concern for the City manager was his teams inability again to break down a side who defended deep and tried to hit them on the counter. City have three times played against effectively a back seven, but Pep needs to figure this out and realise that his quick, fluid attack it near useless against such a tactic. The sight of Kevin De Bruyne in the Kante role so far this season is utterly bizarre, as he is on of the few players with the subtlety of vision to unpick a lock. The Belgian is playing too deep and City are not getting any width except from their fullbacks (who eventually supplied the cross for the undeserved winner). I could understand more if City were shooting from deep, but they're not even doing that. Paul Pogba had more shots from outside the box in the first 90 seconds of the Man United game than City had in the entire match.

City have not yet been punished for their frailties, but they certainly don't look as fluid or as powerful as the team across their back yard. Next week's match up with Liverpool looks decidedly tasty indeed... and will tell us much more about both team's chances of a genuine title push this year.

Chelsea have bounced back
2 wins later and their first half horror show against Burnley is beginning to look more like an aberration than a premonition. Good news for Chelsea fans who saw them swat away Everton today with relative ease and move into the international break (why Fifa... just... why) on a healthy six points. Chelsea will always defend well with Conte at the helm, but this was a miles better display in midfield and in Morata, they look to have acquired a striker who needs no time at all to adapt.

Hazard and likely a new signing or two will arrive in time for the next fixture and suddenly Chelsea look a much better bet to defend their title than they did 8 days ago. Everton in fairness were probably a little tired after their midweek excursions and a gruelling opening set of fixtures. Good news for them though is they play Spurs next. The bad news?

It's not at Wembley.

Team of the Weak:

Hart - Joe may be in here for some time. Just giving everyone a heads up.
Holding - Calum Chambers Wenger. Please play him. He is honestly better than what you have.
Monreal - A player who is now a terrible left back, left wing-back, left sided centre back, centre back and right sided centre back. Way to go Arsene.
Collins - Still playing football for West Ham football club. I know, right?
Britos - Channel the inner Holebas in you my friend. No wait not like that.
Cabaye - At what point does "you're better than this" become... oh wait, you're not... this is just it now?
Xhaka - Just wank.
De Bruyne - Come on Kevin, it's time to go rogue.
Ozil - Now beyond parody. The worst big match player who continues to be actually allowed to play in big matches in football... no sporting history.
Hemed - Apparently up front for Brighton this Saturday.
Kane - 24 shots in 3 games, no goals. It's okay Harry, August is over. Be free my friend... be free.

Happy Hunting

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Two

Arsenal’s problem isn’t tactical, it’s mental

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, we’ve been here before with Arsenal. The move to 3-5-2 at the back of last season smacked of Wenger doing something against his wishes; just to prove to people he could actually play another formation. But it’s not just the formation that’s the problem with Arsenal, it’s how they continue to play within themselves for long periods for too many matches each season. Arsenal lack leadership, a spine, a genuine world class player and somebody, anybody who will inject some urgency into proceedings. A returning and focussed Alexis Sanchez can at least fulfil the latter two roles, but the former? No. This comes from good management, good captaincy, and good signings. Can anyone even tell me whose Arsenal’s captain was on Saturday?

The problem with Arsenal can be highlighted, in a nutshell, by Hector Bellerin. The full back burst onto the scene with pace, promise and no shortage of raw talent. He looked a genuine find and somebody who had the potential to blossom into the best in the league in his position. Fast forward 18 months and Bellerin looks a shadow of the player he was in 2015. He is bereft of confidence; his delivery lacking and admits that the change in formation has directly affected his game. He has become, in short, the quintessential Arsenal player. One who flatters to deceive too often and whilst will still, from time to time, produce a world class performance to herald another false dawn, will ultimately just crumble and burn to ash when faced with a crisis.

This is Wenger’s legacy. The once great coach of our time has been chewed up and spat out by better and more adaptable managers who have swarmed around him over the past decade. There is no second coming. There is no one last hurrah. There is only the continued and helpless descent into mediocrity.

Double hoodoo casts it’s curse over Kane & Co

Spurs were unlucky against Chelsea, that should be stated from the off. But there was an almost hopeless inevitability to the result that looked set in stone after the opening 15 minutes. Spurs passed the ball where it didn’t hurt Chelsea and rarely carved them open in the final third. They looked a team who despite trying in every way they could, were unable to shake off a curse that is currently prohibiting them to win at Wembley, or allow their talisman to score in a summer month. Kane had chances, he hit the post again, missed a free header form 6 yards, could have got on the end on a couple of balls into the box. But like the rest of his team, he just looked unable to deliver when it mattered and was left to stare in bemusement after a fortunate own goal equaliser was rendered irrelevant by the marauding Marcus Alonso.

For Conte this was a massive result. Tactically he got it spot on and coaxed a marvellous performance from several players who would be nowhere near Chelsea’s best XI on a normal day. Chelsea look in trouble this season, having had one of the worst transfer windows for a major club since the “we’ll buy any average player for 20m” days of Dalglish & Liverpool. But they have a brilliant manager who knows how to rouse his players and get results in big matches.

As for Spurs. They play Burnley at Wembley next before the international break. They have to win and Harry Kane has to score. The curse must be lifted, or another slow start will cost them again when they’re handing out the major prizes in May.

Citation: Kane’s curse could just be put down to the simplistic reason that I continue to captain him in fantasy football at the start of each season. For which, on the behalf of all Spurs fans, I sincerely apologise.

Pulis rediscovers the zzzzzzzzzzzzz factor

West Brom only kept 6 clean sheets last season, the same number of goals that McAuley scored. Pulis flirted for a season trying to play his version of expansive football, but it never quite worked and his side conceded too many odd goals and still couldn’t put the ball in the back of the net. I’m pretty sure at this point that Rondon hasn’t scored in around fifty matches. Fast forward this year and Pulis has gone back to basics. 4-4-1-1, well organised, big, strong centre backs, defend in numbers, try and sneak a goal on the counter or from a set piece and win 1-0. Back to back victories in this manner see them sitting pretty on 6 points and sending their fans into wild celebration. Or you know, polite applause and a shrug of “well, rather this than relegation.”

Come on Tony. You can do this. Stop signing defensive midfielders and Leko of the leash. Please.

This year’s dark horses are going to be…

Probably not Bournemouth then. Who I tipped for a top 10 finish this time around borne from their reckless desire to score and the returning, evergreen Defoe. Two games and no goals later, and Bournemouth look like they miss Jack Wilshire. Which is no state for any team to be in. They have City and Arsenal up next and look a safe bet to bottom and pointless after that run. The season is impossibly young of course, but a good start helps and you felt Bournemouth needed something against a very winnable home match with Watford.

As such I’m changing my dark horse prediction to a blue fox instead. The former title winners have started the season in fine fettle and followed up their unlucky opening day loss with a comfortable victory against Brighton. They play Jose’s “hand me my obligatory second season title already” United next, but look well capable of causing an upset. Vardy and Mahrez look back to their best and, in Harry Maguire, they have signed a genuinely superb all-round centre back.

He cost 12m by the way. John Stones cost 50m. Stupid, stupid football.

Saints finally blow away the cobwebs

An unlikely goal fest at St Mary’s on Saturday saw Southampton emerge with the spoils following a dramatic, late Charlie Austin penalty. Having gone a full rotation of Jupiter since last seeing a goal at home, Saints fans could barely believe their eyes to be treated to five in a single game. Keen to keep the match entertaining, Southampton responded to leading and playing against ten men by losing all defensive shape whatsoever and allowing Hernandez to poach two, ultimately fruitless goals for the visitors. West Ham have a wealth of creative attackers at their disposal and will surely do better than last season; but seven goals conceded in the opening two fixtures point to continued problems at the back that Bilic had done nothing to address simply by signing Joe Hart. A player who currently isn’t even in the top five English keepers in the league.

Although he is still better than Claudio Bravo.

Team of the Weak:

Hart – see above – although in fairness Forster was arguably even worse.
Fernandez – utterly collapsed once United scored a second and was out muscled and foxed by Pogba and Mkhitaryan.
Zabaleta – best days may well be beyond him. Plus David Silva can now pass for him in a police line up.
Cook – struggled against a pacey, creative Watford attack.
Monreal – not a centre back, end this charade now Arsene.
Dier – lucky to stay on the pitch after a horrible tackle and was out played by Kante and Bakayoko throughout.
Ritchie – echoes of his first season in the top flight with Bournemouth. Needs to step up and prove he belongs at this level and not the Championship.
Arnautovic – essentially committed assault. We’ll see you in October matey.
Oxlade-Chamberlain – neither a winger or a defender and useless at combining the two. Didn’t he want to play in central midfield anyway? Why the hell isn’t Wenger playing Kolasinac left wing back? And do Liverpool really want to sign him? Like… really?
Ozil – Was so ineffectual the Stoke Police put out a missing report for him. This isn’t a joke. They actually did this.
Afobe - about as threatening as a piñata after a kids birthday party.
Kane – one last try Harry… you can do it mate. For England…

Happy Hunting

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week One - 2017/18 Season

Welcome back fine people... and welcome back Premier League. Don't you ever leave us for so long again.

Jose hopes for second coming again
Jose only does second seasons apparently, and certainly on the strength of their opening performance, this looks a very different beast to the United we saw last time around. The two new signings being the most pivotal on the pitch in what was, eventually a 4-0 stroll against an ailing West Ham. Matic was the game’s best player. The Serbian dominated midfield with the sort of casual ease that must have made Chelsea fans turn away in shame. His interceptions, tackling and short passing key to creating time and space for the other midfielders to release the front 3. Lukaku, who scored the first two goals, was dominant and his pace and power allowing both Rashford and Mkhitaryan to go beyond him several times. This was a fluid United attacking unit that had barely been seen in years. Zlatan may have been king, but the aging Swede certainly couldn’t have picked the ball up on the half way line and burst past two players down the wing in the way that Lukaku did in the opening 10 minutes. The front three took a while to get going but once they did they tormented the West Ham back line. Rashford with pace, Lukaku with power and Mkhitaryan with guile. Last time Mourinho won the title he took a good, well organised squad and made it great with the addition of Fabregas and Costa. On the evidence of the opening 90 minutes here, he may well repeat the trick.

Pep purrs as City pour forward

Down on the South coast, the most compelling case against Jose’s second season syndrome was taking shape. Manchester City dispatched Brighton with two second half goals to open up their account with a well earned win. City never looked like losing this match and whilst their formation remains a work in progress, the amount of creativity and striking power they have at their disposal is genuinely frightening. Their bench cost more than Brighton have spent on transfers in their history. Sane, Sterling and Bernando Silva would be a front three that would finish in the top six on their own... and that’s what City have in reserve. Behind the wonderfully talented Jesus and Sergio “still got it, I never actually lost it” Aguero lies the scheming talents of David Silva and Kevin De Bruyne. Two players who could double up as professional locksmiths. There will be tougher tests ahead for both Manchester sides... but on the evidence of the new look attacks, and indeed defences who seem vaguely capable of actually going 90 minutes without conceding, they appear to be the teams to beat.

But seriously, who cares about titles... when you can just watch Liverpool & Arsenal
The first two games of the season saw an absurd 13 goals in displays of defensive incompetence not seen... since Liverpool & Arsenal played last season. Liverpool had clearly learnt nothing from the night before; that if you’re going to defend this terribly, you have to score at least 4 goals to actually win the match. Both clubs remain embroiled in “will they, won’t they” transfer sagas they could do without, but they certainly made no compelling case for their star players to stay and try and win the title with defending of this magnitude. Yes Liverpool have a front three that can be a blur of pace and movement. Yes Arsenal have a terrific looking new striker and the best substitute in the league. But does it really matter if you can’t defend a gently stroked ball into the box? If a long punt over the top feels you with blind panic? If you have the entire summer to buy someone and you decide that Alberto Moreno is actually your best left back? Or that Calum Chambers, a guy who played well in a back three all last season is not worth a place in your squad whilst you play your left back in the middle of it?

Klopp and Wenger will continue to make such awful decisions all season because they care only about one end of the football pitch. It might not win titles, and it might not win all the fans over. But it’s incredibly entertaining and long may it continue.

Shelvey undoes his team’s great work
I think we all know this won’t be the last time Jonjo Shelvey gets sent from a football pitch. The Newcastle captain gave the referee little choice with a cynical, but above all, utterly pointless step on the ankle of Dele Alli. His team were playing well, Spurs didn’t really look like scoring and he turned a very good performance into a miserable one; as everybody’s favourite almost team ran away with it thanks to the creative genius of the greatest Dane since Hamlet.

Spurs still have work to do. Their squad is so thin it belongs in an After Eight box. Whilst they have done well to (largely) resist any offers to their key players, it is unthinkable what might happen should Eriksen, Kane or Alli have a prolonged period of time out. They got out of jail this time but their next match against Chelsea should be a lot tougher.

Or you know... maybe not.

Mounie & Mooy give Huddersfield hope

In order to stay in the league coming up from the Championship you need to be able to defend... and be able to score. Two basics of any successful football team, but essential when making the transition from one league to another. Huddersfield aren’t going to score as many goals as Liverpool or Arsenal, but on the basis of this weekend they might well concede less. They did a fine job taking care of a disorganised Palace and took their chances when they had them. In midfield they have a player who has the sort of love for a pass and dead ball that a Tory politician does for cuts to the poor. And up front a man who looks fit, focused and knows where the net is.

If this is beginning to sound like a who’s who of footballing cliches you’re probably right. But after one game, Mounie & Mooy have... oh my god I was about to put a rhyme in there then? Jumping for joy? Really? I’m better than that. Honest.

I don't know anything about Huddersfield town. Like, at all. They're the best team in Yorkshire now. Yorkshire? We almost won the Olympics and our best football team is Huddersfield town? Seriously...

Oh well.

At least it's not fucking Leeds.

Team of the Weak:

Hart - Welcome back to Manchester Joe

Holding - More like holding on for dear life

Morgan - Battered, bruised and beaten by Giroud

Rudiger - The sort of debut that nightmares are made of

Matip - Made Moreno look good. It’s hard to live that down

Fabregas - Let his team down... and himself. In the naughty corner Cesc

Puncheon - Allegedly the captain of Crystal Palace

Shelvey - Just a bit of a tosser really

Barton - Didn’t actually play this weekend because he’s banned for 18 months. Just thought I’d remind everyone of that because it’s really funny

Benteke - As mobile as a dying elephant

Any striker who us unlucky enough to play upfront for Southampton - how many minutes is that at home without a goal now lads? 1000? It feels like a lifetime. Just put the ball in the net. Please. Anyone.

Goodnight. 

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Thirty

it had been too long old friends...

Everton crash and burn in typical fashion
The last time Everton beat Liverpool at Anfield, three of their players who started on Saturday hadn’t even taken their first step. Not on a football pitch, but in life. Everton haven’t beaten their rivals away since the 90’s and in truth, have rarely looked like doing so. This Saturday was the same old story again - it doesn’t seem to matter how evenly the teams are matched, or whatever any sort of comparative form they are in - it has been men against boys for the best part of 20 years. The Everton players look incapable of shaking off the mental block of so many years of abject attacking play, comedy defending and just diving into tackles in a reckless display of passion. Everton defended badly, passed it even worse and up front had the penetration of a eunuch. The Lukaku issue is a further problem Everton could do without. Which is probably something a lot of top managers eying him up are asking as well. Has any player ever looked so good one minute and so bad the next? Lukaku rarely, if ever, delivers in the big games when his team desperately need him to. He could argue he doesn’t get the service in these matches, he’s a striker after all not the teams creative force (step forward the equally as inconsistent Ross Barkley). But still, he doesn’t put himself around in the way a Costa or a Sanchez does and if you have to wonder if he really is any better than the club he finds himself at. He’d probably get in Arsenal’s team right now. But then frankly, who wouldn’t.

Sunderland are on the beach, not fighting them on it

Sunderland are marooned at the bottom of the table having won a single game in 8 matches and finding themselves 7 points adrift of safety. What’s worse, is that the Black Mice have scored in just one of those matches. That 4-0 romp against Palace now looking like the biggest freak result of the season. Sunderland haven’t scored since and when their only striker can get called up for England, score, and come back and still not get close to finding the net again... it pretty much sums up their current malaise. The big question is as what point is it okay to say that David Moyes is a terrible manager? Sunderland have just 20 points from 30 matches. An absolutely pathetic tally when you consider that Tony Pulis and a pretty similar, on paper, team have 44. Watford have 34 for goodness sake. Watford? A club who’s manager is under pressure, are horrible to watch and seem to rotate a squad of 28 defenders at random. I’m sorry David, but it’s time to be put out to pasture. I mean... how many crap managers have tried and failed to take Sunderland down over the past decade...

A penny for Wilshire’s thoughts
Jack Wilshire was loaned out last summer in one last, desperate hail mary for him to find form and fitness. The most precocious talent in England’s midfield armor had too often been the literal chink in it. As has so often been the case for Wilshire, it looked like a corner had been turned when a run of 17 starts from 20 matches saw him find form, fitness and with a passing nod at Arsenal’s woeful fitness record to boot. Since then though, Jack has lost his way. He has started 1 of the past 6 matches and none of the last four. He was not hitting the highs of the back end of last year, but it’s still difficult to understand why Eddie Howe isn’t trusting him to play football anymore. Last week Wilshire was ommited from the England squad whilst the likes of James Ward-Prowse and Jake Livermore were given caps. On Saturday, he had to sit and watch the might of Gosling, Surman, Pugh and Arter be picked ahead of him before he could get on the pitch. If you suggested to somebody that a fully fit Jack Wilshire would be deemed to be the 7th go to player of those names as little as a year ago you would be considered insane.

It is to Wilshire’s credit that he hasn’t complained, and to his enduring talent that bigger clubs remain after him. For the cynical amongst us though, it is tempting to now wonder whether this player’s career is already over before it was even given a chance to begin.

The title race isn’t over... yet
Chelsea desperately attempted to breath life into the dying lungs of this season’s title race on Saturday, by contriving to lose to a Crystal Palace team who they absolutely battered for 87 minutes... and were utterly terrible against for 3. Costa had what could politely be described as “one of those games” and Chelsea could not score a second goal against a typically reformed Sam Allardyce managed side. Meanwhile Spurs continued to win yet again; despite now averaging two injuries a match and being down to essentially youth players on their bench. And Sissoko.

So just youth players then.

7 points separate these North London giants and if City can beat the Blues in midweek maybe, just maybe... we might get to wait until the last game of the season before Spurs fuck it up.

Swansea v Borozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Boro have the same number of goals that Sunderland do points. I mean, that is just not playing the game properly. A well marshaled defence kept Swansea at bay for the entire of this abject match up before Rudy Gestede contrived to miss from 5 yards in much the same way Boro have been doing so all season. Quite frankly, on the evidence of the past few months, the North East don’t deserve a team in the Premier League anymore. It’s time to go away, apologise for what you’ve done and have a long, hard look at yourselves.

I mean, at least fucking Newcastle were entertaining.

Team of the Weak - with guest editor Garth Crooks:

De Gea - He kept a clean sheet, but he was asleep for the whole match. Literally at one point, almost letting that free kick in when he was dreaming about Real Madrid next year. When I played for Man United I would never have lost my concentration like that.

Robertson - Was given a tough time defensively all match, but who cares about that, he scored. I didn’t even watch the match, I just know that because Ceefax told me. Or whatever the kids call it now.

Bertrand - What a player this kid is. It was never a penalty the referee gave against him. I don’t know what he was looking at but it wasn’t the game! Bertrand was the best defender on show in a match of few chances. Even though there were loads.
Simpson - Where were these Leicester players last month? Absolute turncoats. Charlatans. Traitors. I don’t care what they did last year. It’s meaningless now. Meaningless.

Mustafi - What a goal, what an assist! I mean he couldn’t pass water at the back there, and my Nan could have done a better job on the first goal. But he scored. Is that not what we judge defenders on these days?

Fellaini - I can see what Jose sees in him I have to say. That chest, that puffed out massive chest. I want that chest. I played for Man United you know. For 7 games, on loan, but you’d think the amount of times I mention I was there for five title winning seasons. But I wasn’t. 

Silva - I love watching this little magician play, he is pure poetry. He cuts across the grass better than my back and decker lawnmower. Proper nice job that does on my lawn.

Zaha - He’s really matured, he was lovely to watch here. He gave Chelsea the run around all game. A shame he didn’t choose to play for England though. I mean I know he did, twice. But that’s still twice more than me. And now he’s playing for Ivory Coast. Like a boss.
Defoe - It was lovely to see him score for England in the break. He works really hard and his personal chef must be doing a great job.
Kane - A shame for Harry getting injured a few weeks ago, but he’s like that Harry, modest takes it in his stride. Letting other players score some goals whilst he puts his feet up for a few weeks. I respect that.
Niasse - I didn't watch the Hull hame but some bloke on the train who bought me a John Smith said he played brilliantly and I should put him in. So here he is.

Costa - Real horrible piece of work on the pitch but off it he’s lovely. I met him working for local radio a few weeks ago and he was really polite and told me he loved Chelsea and wanted to win the title with them. I mean a shame about today obviously. Fuck me he was absolutely bollocks. I mean like seven shades of shit bollocks. Could not hit a barn door with a banjo if the the barn door was you know... right there bollocks. But still, lovely guy. I hope he wins that title.

Goodnight

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Twenty-Two

Son shines kindly on North London giants
A largely wretched weekend for the chasing pack, saw Spurs and Arsenal take an improbable four points from matches they had no right to do so. Arsenal were abject against a well organised Burnley; reliant on a set piece to break the deadlock and then watched, open mouthed, as Granit Xhaka inexplicably lunged in after losing the ball a good 70 yards away from his penalty area. Burnley deserved something from the game, and were desperately unlucky having scored a penalty of their own, to come away empty handed thanks to Sanchez impish chip at the death. At least the officials got the decisions right in that match, which is more than could be said over at the Etihad, where Spurs were taken to the absolute cleaners by Manchester City and somehow came away with a point. City can only blame themselves for such wasteful finishing and a chronic lack of a final ball when they got behind the Spurs full backs for the 85th time... but the game turned when Raheem Sterling was clearly pulled back running in on goal. It was a stone wall penalty and red card, yet the referee didn’t see it as that... and Spurs promptly produced their only passing move of the entire match to go up the other end and score. With Chelsea almost impossible to score against right now, these were vital points in what is increasingly becoming a dog fight for the top four.

Swansea make Pool pay for passive defence
If Liverpool attack with the aggression of Donald Trump, they defend like Jeremy Corbyn. Indeed, the entire back line is about as organised as the Labour Party right now, which continues to be as much of a frustration for their manager as I’m sure it is to the millions of Labour voters who have heads in their hands as their excuse of a leader... sorry, I’ve wandered off topic. 

Two goals at home to Swansea should really be enough to win a match. But twice Liverpool came unstuck by the predatory instincts of Llorente and, after coming back into the match through the lost magic of Firmino, then just kinda fell over as Sigurdsson was able to run the entire length of the pitch without anybody marking him. The Icelandic international eventually finding the ball at his feet with just the keeper to slot calmly past. Paul Clement has organised his troops well in a short space of time, but the key factor here was the sense of belief that ran through the Swansea players. They never stopped running or believing, even when they were pulled back to 2 all. Summon up that passion every week, and they may well get out of the mess they find themselves in yet. As for Liverpool... it’s Chelsea up next, a match they have to win to keep any sense of the title alive. Lose it... they won’t just be out of the title race, they’ll likely be out of the current top four as well.

How good could Carroll have been?

Andy Carroll will perhaps forever be remembered for the guy who went to Liverpool for the most falsely inflated transfer fee ever and largely did nothing. But that’s not fair... because he deserves to be remembered as the player who spent 90% of a career that could have been brilliant in the treatment room. Carroll is an old fashioned centre forward for whom, on his day, the term “unplayable” could genuinely have been written for. The big man added two more goals to go with his acrobatic wonder effort from last week and absolutely bossed a Middlesborough defence who had previously only conceded 3 goals in their last 5 matches. Given a run of matches, ten seems hopeful, twenty the stuff of fantasies, one wonders what Carroll could be capable of. His footwork is superb, he holds the ball up like it’s made of glue and he’s better in the air than Christian Benteke. And he doesn’t just stand there and wait either. He runs, a lot. West Ham have removed their best player and won back to back games scoring six goals en route. That is how good Carroll has been.

Plus that little Argentinian with the far too styled to be taken seriously hair who plays in behind. Some player that kid.

Sunderland need some positivity

This week, David Moyes, the Sunderland manager and X-Factor winner 2013, said this:

"I'd be kidding you on if I said the players we are going to bring in in January are going to massively make a big difference because first of all, we probably couldn't get that level of player and secondly, we probably wouldn't have the finances to do that. To suggest that the player we bring in would be making a big difference, I think, wouldn't be correct."

Talk about raising the white flag? Can you imagine saying that in any other business? Moyes has been in suicide watch mode ever since the United job turned sour, like a man who still can’t shake the fact he had the chance to marry the most amazing woman in the world... and ended up with Katie Hopkins.

That’s not to say Sunderland is Katie Hopkins. I have to make that completely clear.

But maybe if he went and managed Leeds...

Holgate isn’t just a good luck charm
After starting the first three games of the season and doing absolutely nothing wrong, it was a touch surprising that Mason Holgate didn’t get on the pitch again for another 11 league matches. Indeed the young centre back had to wait until week 18 before being told he could start a match again. Of the 6 games Holgate has started this season, Everton are unbeaten and have kept 4 clean sheets. They’ve only kept 7 in total. They have won the last three matches he’s played 7-0. There are other reasons behind this of course, but in an era where 3-5-2 is suddenly back in fashion, Holgate looks a perfect fit for club and country in that formation. The surprise from most at Everton isn’t how assured and comfortable the youngster looks, but why it took so long for Koeman to figure out he needed to start playing him.

Team of the Weak:

I’m just going to give it to Andre Marriner.

And Paul fucking Pogba.

Goodnight

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey