The Final Reckoning

And so the dust settles on another Premier League season. Only it doesn’t. Because there is still one game left to play. Owing to a bomb scare this afternoon Manchester United now face the ultimate ignominy of having to go through the motions against Bournemouth to decide if they come 6th... or 5th. Whilst there was thankfully no casualties at Old Trafford due to sterling security work, it’s impossible to believe that their won’t be some when it comes to the end of season inquest. What a truly pathetic season it has been for Chelsea and Manchester United football club. There could well be five teams in the Champions League next season and that neither of them will be the two who have dominated the league for the last decade is just bizarre. More so when you consider the third team in that elite is Manchester City, who only came 4th. Just. By drawing away to Swansea reserves.

The Premier League team of the year is well documanted and, for once, very accurate. De Gea is clearly the league’s best keeper and there can be no arguing whatsoever with Alderwireld, Kante, Mahrez, Payet, Vardy and Kane. You could quibble over the rest of the defensive make up but only really between Spurs, Leicester and Bellerin... and then it’s basically Alli or Ozil. In all, it’s not a very interesting topic... and having covered the wonderful achievement of Leicester last time around... I close this season (and yes Van Gaal, I am now just pretending you don’t exist and hoping you’ll go away) with my final team of the weak... 

Courtois
Last season Jose Mourinho said it was one of the hardest decisions he ever had to make to decide on his number one between Thibaut Courtois and Petr Cech. Courtois had a fantastic season and it looked like he’d made the right call. That was until he opened up this campaign by selling Cech to Arsenal and watched his new number 1 get sent off in the opening fixture. Cech has meanwhile won the Golden Glove and (somehow) finished 2nd. Courtois has kept five clean sheets all season, been sent off twice and finished in 10th place. Below Stoke. Who stopped playing in February. 18 months ago he was voted the 2nd best keeper in the world ahead of David De Gea (and behind Manuel Neur). That claim now looks as laughable as Chelsea’s title defence.

Stones
The subject of a £35m pre-season bid, John Stones has done everything he can to prove he’s not worth that fee over the course of the past 9 months. In fairness to the lad, being coached in the defensive arts by Roberto Martinez must be like being coached in swimming by a camel. But even with that taken in to effect, Stones has made basic errors with alarming regularity and looked like he’s going to cry at least five times. Chelsea probably don’t want him anymore. Although looking at their back four... maybe they still do.

Richards

The Villa captain has seen his career reach even newer lows this year, following the seemingly sane decision to swap a career as Manchester’s City random English quota 6th sub (well played Fabian Delph, well played) for regular football at a sleeping midlands GIANT. It just you know, didn’t really work out like that did it Micah. Get Tactics Tim back. And maybe don’t sell all your established players for ones who’ve never played in the league before. I mean seriously, when your best player is the shit Ayew brother... you know it’s not been a vintage year.

O’Shea
Absolute garbage. Sam Allardyce hasn’t really done that much since coming to Sunderland beyond taking John O’Shea out back and politely telling him he will never play for the club again. Showed up to be useless by the impressive Kone was one thing. But Younes Kaboul? That is when you know you really are shit.

Ivanovic
Has to be in there for the inexplicable ability to keep getting picked, even after it had become abundantly obvious to anybody with a semblance of workable vision that he couldn’t defend a chess board who was a queen, two bishops and a rook up. Ivanhoe, it’s not the middle ages anymore. And you do need to run and tackle rather than just haul your opponents to the ground to be a good player.

Colback
14 yellow cards in 2015, failing to stamp your authority on a midfield that badly needed it and swapping your former club for your new one because you couldn’t go through a relegation battle again. Oh Jack. You silly boy you. In fairness you’ve probably not been the worst player at your club let alone the league... but I’m not Garth Crooks and I need a defensive midfielder. And you have a rubbish, rubbish haircut. So you know, them the breaks. Enjoy the Championship.

Walcott
What a complete waste of space Theo Walcott is. Does anybody more personify the Arsenal way than him? Awesome on his day, more lightweight than a hummingbirds feather the next. I want to play as a central striker says Theo. I want to show you I can be better than Giroud. Whats that? I’m not as good as Giroud? But he’s fucking garbage? He literally misses 28 chances a match but pops up with the odd hat trick against sunken teams to make his numbers look good? You won’t put me in the team over that? Fuck it then, I’ll just get injured again so you can pay my wages whilst I sit at home and play Xbox with Jack Wilshire. Fuck you Wenger. Not you Roy. Come on, I know you want to pick me. I’ll let you down, I’ll give you nothing... but what you gonna do, pick Andros fucking Townsend instead? I thought not. Come on the Euros! 

Depay
In everybody’s worst team of the year. I mean, Memphis... seriously son? What the FUCK was that!?

Sterling
The Premier League official team of the year cost the same amount as Raheem Sterling. Who once again didn’t get on the pitch today in a match that his club HAD to win. Instead his manager chose a youth player, a defensive midfielder and Jesus fucking Navas over him. And them made two further subs which weren’t him. Indeed, all told, Sterling has ended the season the 8th choice attacking option for the 4th best team in the land. For £49m and a ego about the same size... it’s safe to say more was expected. Liverpool fans have no reason to laugh at any club this season after finishing 8th... but they can laugh at Sterling.

Rooney
7 goals at a rate of one every 330 minutes is, quite frankly, not acceptable for the best paid player at the supposedly biggest club in the land. Rooney has had a shocking season, even by United’s turgid standards and it’s an absolute scandal if he’s a) still there next year or b) starts for England this summer over Kane or Vardy. Rooney was going several years ago. Now he has left the building, got a flight to China and is playing via a rusted dysfunctional radio controller robot. Nobody even knew who Marcus Rashford was four months ago. Now he’s many things, but above all he’s the person who showed the whole of Manchester how fucking shit Rooney had become. Severe. The. Fucking. Cord.

Costa
Diego Costa actually finished the season with 12 goals. Which sounds crazy when you consider how bad he’s been in almost every game. I’m all for players putting themselves about and treading the thin line between physicality and aggression. But Costa commits actual assault in most matches. Chelsea did so well last season because Costa worked. His style and manner of play was this season’s Jamie Vardy... yes he got in people’s faces but he also ran defences ragged with his energy, scored vital goals and led from the front. As it is, this year Costa has been Chelsea all over. Hot air and arrogance with no end product. He should be ashamed of his performances this year and cannot hold his head high when he inevitably leaves. And seriously... is that his real face? That guy has to be wearing a mask as an ongoing troll right? He looks like Pob fucked a Gorilla and was then sent to work in a mine shaft for forty years. He’s 27?? I mean come on... that has to be a joke right? Anyone? Anyone...

ah who cares... enjoy next season... it will probably be much less interesting than this one

although Wenger won’t win it... that’s a free tip. Not a 5000/1 one... but it might as well be

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Incredible Journey III - The Year of the Fox

Over the course of this season I have tried, and failed, many times to explain to my football loathing girlfriend the enormity of the achievement should Leicester City win the Premier League. Even trying to shoe horn in her love for Richard III has failed to engage her in this incredible story. Don’t you support Man United she asks me? Have you just switched teams now that you’re crap? I point out I haven’t switched teams, I’m just caught up in an adventure that would be possibly the singularly most incredible sporting achievement of my lifetime. I just want to be able to say I saw it, that I was there... when Leicester City of League one a few years ago and 5000/1 to win the title... somehow did it. I speak of Jamie Vardy, a guy brought up a couple of miles from our house in Sheffield and how his journey from non league to Premier League title winner in a few years is going to be a Hollywood movie. Will the movie portray Sheffield as an industrial ravaged wasteland of abandoned factories and stereotypical northerners with flat caps and whippets? Almost certainly I say.

Ultimately, whether to someone with no interest in football, or a scholar of the game, trying to explain away this season is frankly impossible. Teams like Leicester City simply don’t win top flight titles. It doesn’t happen. Ever. Comparisons have been thinly clutched to the great Clough teams. Both of his achievements (Derby’s title and subsequent double European Cup triumph with Nottingham Forest) are up there with the finest, but they existed not only in a different era of football where money and elitism was not so dominant. Also whilst the cup wins were incredible, as were say, the Euro triumphs of Greece and Denmark, they were achieved over a much shorter period of games (6 to 12). Leicester have won the title over a full 38 (with two to spare) and indeed you could stretch back their form to a staggering FIFTY games now and they would still be top of the pile. This is a team made up of rejected players who have come together under a likeable journeyman to achieve the incredible. Kante, Mahrez and Vardy have been the three best players in the league this year, but every player deserves a 10 out of 10. Danny Simpson, a player who couldn’t get in the QPR team that was relegated? Robert Huth, deemed not good enough for a Stoke defence that has conceded 28 goals more than Leicester so far. Danny Drinkwater, a Man United loanee of 5 clubs in 2 years before joining this Leicester team. I mean, Mahrez and Kante were both playing French Ligue 2 football just 18 months ago?? When Mahrez was offered a contract at Leicester, he thought it was a rugby club. You just couldn’t make up stuff like that. It would sound ridiculous. It does sound ridiculous. It is ridiculous.

There is an argument that Leicester would not have done this but for the collective failings of the elite. It is worth pointing out then that their points total of 77 is already above the 75 point mark that Manchester United won the title with in 97 (with two games to spare). Leicester have lost just 3 times all season and there is a bitter irony to the fact that two of those losses have come to Arsenal, who were the team seemingly most well placed to take advantage of the ailing of others. Leicester have won this title on their own merit playing a style of football that they adapted wonderfully as the season wore on. 

Having said that, it was worth pausing for a moment to consider the incredible failings of the teams below them this year. Last season, after 36 matches, the top four of Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester City and United had lost 23 matches between them. This season that figure stands at 37. Two of the top four from last season won’t be in it this time around and there has never been a Premier League season before where any of the top four didn’t finish in the top two of the subsequent season. Manchester City’s European Adventure aside, this has been a truly horrific season for the apparent elite. Incredibly, both United and Arsenal are expected to begin the new season with the same managers in charge.

Spurs however, do deserve credit for pushing them to this stage. In any other year the sight of the young Lillywhites snatching the title from their London rivals would be the stuff of fantasy itself. As it was, had they done it this year they would have faced the unfortunate ignominy of their greatest ever achievement forever being a footnote as the season Leicester almost won it. Spurs somewhat lost the plot last night; responding to losing a 2 goal lead by trying to start a 22 man brawl rather than attempting to just score another goal. But that shouldn’t detract from their own huge effort this season. They are a young, wonderfully talented team who will be back again next year to remind the bigger clubs what a belief in a genuine youth set up can actually achieve.

But this is the year of the Fox. And nothing should detract from that fact. This is a victory that should inspire children up and down the land to take up the game. That should inspire any player released from a club there is still hope. That should inspire any players of the lower leagues that it’s possible to achieve the impossible. It is an utterly, utterly extraordinary achievement of which their will likely be no repeat in our lifetimes.

Leicester City. Claudio Ranieri. I salute you. You have given us all something to remember for the rest of our lives. Now is the time to celebrate. Now is the time to party. Now is the spring of our contentment.

Nobody will ever, ever be able to take this away. Not even a fucking Tudor.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt from the Premier League this Weekend

Leicester just keep giving
On a marvelous Sunday afternoon of attacking, physical football - Leicester and West Ham shared the spoils in a match laced with drama and incident. At times it’s hard not to believe that there is something divine helping Leicester to this title, be it lady luck, god, the ghost of Richard III or an extremely powerful drug that is about to wear off. They should have been behind after two minutes as the King Power Stadium fell in to a near deathly, slow motion silence after a header hit both posts before trickling into the keeper’s arms. They then took the lead through the man of the moment Jamie Vardy, a ruthless finish following typically excellent build up work from Mahrez and Kante. But the game turned in the second half when the Yorkshireman was sent packing for what was, let’s be frank, an appalling dive. Having already been booked one wonders what was going through his head as he contrived to win his 74th penalty of the season. Vardy has always tread a thin line between brilliance and provocative but he deserved to be sent off here and his team will hope his decision to call the ref a “fucking cunt” to his face upon leaving won’t face further repercussions. West Ham piled on the pressure and scored two quick goals to claim the inevitable 3 points. Except this is Leicester, and they just don’t lose football matches (except to Arsenal). 94 minutes had all but elapsed when the referee did point to the spot and award the Foxes a last gasp chance to share the spoils. If it was a soft decision, there had been a stone wall appeal turned down five minutes before and a draw was a fair result overall. 3rd choice striker and penalty taker, Leonardo Ulloa slammed in the spot kick and the Foxes pulled further away from Spurs before they play Stoke tomorrow night. Was this 2 points lost or 1 gained? Give the situation and the late drama of the winner, it felt like the second. Only momentum will slow this team down, and as they head to a home match with mid table Swansea, it felt like it was still only going one way.

It’s time to take the Arsene out of Arsenal
It’s hard to think of a more Arsenal performance than this. Dear fucking god how was this game a 1 all draw? Arsenal passed and probed and created chance after chance after chance and couldn’t add to Alexis Sanchez’ first half header. It was almost inevitable that Palace were going to score. It wasn’t even a good goal. A speculative try from distance that squirmed under the keeper. Still Arsenal had chances. Still they couldn’t score. Sanchez had eleven attempts and hit the target once. I mean, I know being captained by me at fantasy football must feel like having a ball and chain tied around your leg but come on. Even Giroud couldn’t score!? Oh no wait, that’s not a genuine point. Let’s move on.

Nothing at Old Trafford will be missed
The worst team in the league this season were beaten by the worst attacking Manchester United team in history. 1 nil, from about four shots, in a game so spectacularly uninspiring I would have rather listened to Jeremy Hunt defend the Junior Doctor contract by saying the same line over... and over... and over... and over again than endure it for another 90 minutes. There were just three positives from that match. One, Villa won’t be in the Premier League for a long, long time. Two, United fans surely, surely, surely won’t have to endure Louis Van Gaal for more than 6 or 7 more matches. Three, Marcus Rashford - who is a real talent and deserves his chance to be playing regular football at a club at this level.

The North East just woke up
Look Newcastle and Sunderland, I’m not having you do this to me again. Letting me think all season you’re going to be relegated and then pulling it out of the back at the death. You see here’s the rub, this time at least one of you HAS to go down. You’re not catching Palace or Swansea, it’s two from three and even if you take poor, provincial Norwich with you one of you is still destined to be in the Championship and replaced by er... another team from the North East. Really? Oh for fu...

Seasons really do need to be judged after the last ball is kicked
Of the four FA Cup finalist, only Watford can probably be proud of their season’s work. Thanks to an improbably double penalty save from Gomes, the Hornets lie in mid-table, safe from relegation and free to enjoy the party for another year. Everton have frustrated their fans with defensive lapses, United have bored them with attacking ineptitude and Palace started well before going on an Alan Pardew trademarked twenty game run of filth. But if any of those three teams win the FA Cup will managers be forgiven? Palace are surely now safe and were never going to get in to the top six. So winning the FA Cup will surely be a hugely successful season. Likewise Everton. Yes they have a squad capable of  a top six push but not a top four one. As a fan I’d prefer a Wembley final victory than another 6th place finish and a draining Europa campaign. And United? Well no. Given who’s left a club of their supposed stature (you know, bigger than Spurs Louis) should probably be winning it and not drifting around the edges of the top four all season. But it would at least give the fans a moment to smile again and believe in the future.

Basically there is a lot of football still to played people. Over to you Spurs...

Team of the Weak

Courtois - Has escaped criticism this year but has been utterly garbage. Was on a par with David De Gea two years ago. Now on a par with Rob Green.
Antonio - A fine player, but not a right back, and I’m not sure why his manager seems to think he now is.
Ivanovic - Graeme Souness picked him as his first defender in the team of the season. What. A. Plonker.
Olsson - Battered at home to your relegation rivals. Never good.
Lescott - It’s okay now mate, all that weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Montero - Do you remember him? He was AMAZING. For the first four games of the season.
Gibson - I feel that Darron Gibson always gets forgotten about when we talk about injury prone football players. He’s also banned from driving for hitting a cyclist when pissed. So he’s probably a prick.
Depay - Take a look at Mahrez Memphis. Take a look at Rashford. Take a fucking look at yourself.
Milner - Brought in to my fantasy football team. Didn’t play. That’s just not cool James. Not cool at all.
Sanchez - I’m sorry Alexis, but you can’t miss that many chances and not get in here. I mean, you stood on a ball from six yards, missed an open goal with a header and scuffed one wide from ten yards when unmarked. I’m pretty sure the one you scored came off your shoulder as well...
Rooney - Captaining an England team for no reason this summer.

What you may have missed
Steve Davis retiring from the snooker. The greatest gentleman to ever pick up a cue.

That is all.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Seven questions that still need answering this season.

Can anybody stop Leicester City?
Or the more pertinent question perhaps being, can anybody score past Leicester City? Four, 1-0 wins on the spin and five out of the last six have opened up a seven point lead on Spurs with just six games left in the locker. Is this really all over now? Can anybody breach this implausible rear guard? Does it matter who you play in defence if you have N’Golo Kante covering every blade of grass on the pitch positioned in front of you? Sunderland are up next, a team who struggle to score at the best of times. Even in a season as unpredictable as this, it’s hard to see beyond another clean sheet, another three points and the Foxes having one paw on the title.

Who is the player of the year?
There are only three contenders. For all the magical assists of Mesut Ozil and striking power of Harry Kane, the award has to go to a Leicester player and Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez and N’Golo Kante would all be worthy recipients. These three have lit up the league with their power and skill, but the key word that unites all of them is energy. Kante is like Makelele on speed, Vardy is the hardest working striker in the league and Mahrez is that rare creature; a skilful, showboating genius who also possesses work rate and ethic. If anybody but these three wins the top gongs, they should hand it back in shame.

Who will get fourth?
Just one point separates the two Manchester Clubs with West Ham a further two behind. United rarely score, but rarely concede; City blow hot and cold like a bust gasket and West Ham continue to undermine their often poetic attacking play with careless lapses at the back. It’s hard to know who the neutrals would want to get 4^th. West Ham would probably be the common consensus, but the self-entitlement of their fans would likely mean they’d expect their club to finish their season after season if they did so. United and Chelsea finishing outside of the top four would probably have been many fans wishes that were never likely to come true last August; but both are probably now trumped by the potential comedy of City hiring Pep Guardiola to fulfil their Champions League dreams… and then not even qualify for it.

Who will join Villa in the Championship?
Oh Villa – what an absolute shower of shit you really are. Villa have now lost seven games on the spin and haven’t even scored in the last four. In fact, they’ve only scored 22 times all season. Which really is pathetic. That’s what Harry Kane has scored on his own. And he didn’t even start playing until October… But anyway, beyond their wretched, putrid filth, it’s looking increasingly more likely that only something special will stop the two North East club tumbling in to the abyss with them. Palace and Norwich remain in ropey form but both seem to possess a greater sense of togetherness that may just be enough to get them over the line. In a season of oddities, Rafa Benitez ending up at Newcastle as they descend in to the Championship is right up there. He will need quite a few “ghost goals” to get out of this mess.

Who will win the Golden Boot?
Whilst Harry Kane is the obvious candidate here, currently leading Jamie Vardy by three goals; it should be noted that four back stands Romelu Lukaku… who actually has three games in hand on young Kane. Plus you know, Aguero might score five in a match again just for fun.

Will Roy Hodgson pick the right England squad/team for this summer?
Here’s a tip Roy. No to starting Wayne Rooney over Kane or Vardy. And no taking Theo Walcott. And certainly no to taking Jack Wilshire. I don’t care how good he looked against Barcelona when he was 11; he hasn’t played all year and Drinkwater, Ali and Dier all deserve to be ahead of him.

Will anybody in the league be a worse signing ever, than Radamel Falcao?
It doesn’t matter that he was free. What matters is that Chelsea opted to bring on board an injured ravaged striker who’s best years were so far behind him you’d need a telescope to pick them out. And pay him £130,000 a week tax free. Falcao has scored five goals in forty matches since arriving in the Premier League. Whilst better than most strikers at Norwich, it is not a return which screams give him another season, as his agent is comically and tragically now requesting. He is currently the 75^th choice striker for Chelsea. Who have chosen to play their entire youth team and even inexplicably sign, nurse back to health and then play another injury prone striker ahead of him as well. 

Memphis Depay, come on lad, you can do this. Don't let Chelsea win even one thing this season...

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From the Premier League This Weekend

The North London Derby suited only Foxes.
In a typically pulsating North London Derby, spoils were shared to ensure that both teams were left frustrated as they sought to close the gap at the top. Indeed as it was, by virtue of a typically wonderful moment from Riyad Mahrez, both found themselves further away from the summit come Saturday evening. Arsenal were abject for most of this game. Punch drunk and lethargic in possession, they somehow led 1-0 at the break thanks to their only real chance. Spurs must have been kicking themselves they went in a goal down but they were kicking themselves harder by the end. A moment, not of madness, but of just utter mediocrity from Francis Coquelin saw Arsenal reduced to ten men and Spurs plunder two well worked goals in as many minutes. There was only one winner from there surely? But no... inexplicably the second Spurs goal seemed to wake the Gunners up; and they finally showed the fabled “spirit” of which Wenger talks about but rarely sees. 2 all, honours even and with Arsenal likely to be playing in the FA Cup next week, Leicester will likely be 11 points in front of them before they play in the league again. That, surely, will be too much for a team as mentally brittle as this.

Martinez is almost becoming a parody of himself.
I don’t know how many times Everton have dropped points from winning positions this season, but it’s a lot isn’t it. This latest pantomime tragedy saw them react to missing a penalty that would have put them 3-0 up, to losing 3-2 in a mad cap last 12 minutes of genuine schoolboy defending. Martinez seems unable to instill the belief into his players that when they concede a goal, it doesn’t have to mean the whole dam has burst. His players suddenly behave as if a horde of zombies are attacking rather than overpaid footballers. They dive in here, throw themselves out the way there... lose all sense of positional responsibility and forget all together about the concept of marking. It makes for entertaining viewing, but there probably is a point when enough is enough. Everton fans have seen a ridiculous 90 goals this season in their 28 games. 55 of them at home, where they now possess the worst defensive record in the league. A cup would help ease the pain. Everton are never going to get in the top four with regularity and are even less likely to get relegated. What ultimately, is the difference between 6th and 12th each season? Something certainly, judging by the reaction of many Everton fans who were calling for the manager’s head come Saturday night. With Everton it clearly stems from what might be, rather than what is. They are, at times, a sumptuous football team to watch. And who doesn’t want to watch a side that can pummel you to death with vibrant attacking football one minute and collapse like a house of cards the next? Everton never looked this good under Moyes... and they never looked this bad either. But if you castigate Martinez for one, don’t you also have to give him credit for the other...

Watching Manchester United play football is
I’m sorry I can’t go on.

Have there ever been more contenders for manager of the season?
I mean - where do you start? If you look down the league table the list of managers and sides who have performed above the call of duty is as long as I’ve ever known. Leicester, Spurs, West Ham, Stoke, Watford, Bournemouth, Villa (only joking). Eddie Howe and Quique Flores are set to keep both their teams in the top flight at the first attempt. The former without their main striker and two star signings for virtually the entire season. It would be a brave person not to vote for Claudio Ranieri as manager of the year, but if they faded and Spurs won the league? Spurs? A side who have been top for like a month in forty years? To even get them this close Pochettino should probably be knighted. And what of West Ham and Slavin Bilic, in his first year managing a Premier League club? West Ham play great football, have the signing of the season in Payet and are still 1 point off fourth? They have been completely forgotten about in the race for the Champions League and now play Arsenal in a few weeks with a genuine chance of beating them to go above them in the table. Just think about a Leicester, Spurs, West Ham top 3 for a moment.

Real Madrid and Barca won’t know what’s hit them.

Shepherding needs to be put out to pasture.
We all have our bug bear rules in the beautiful game - some more than others. But for me, the absolute number one is when defenders “shepherd” a ball out of play, usually for a goal kick. This is fine when the ball is traveling at a decent pace and it’s only a yard or two until touch, but too often we see players just crouching over the ball with their hands out wide and moving from side to side so the attacker can’t get round them to the ball. What part of this isn’t fucking obstruction? If you don’t play the ball, it’s a foul. If you move out of the line of the ball to block a player, it’s a foul. If you deliberately back into a player, it‘s a foul. So why is this tolerated every week like it’s no big thing? There is absolutely nothing in the laws of the game which suggests this should be allowed to happen. Indeed, the official laws define obstruction as thus:

“Impeding the progress of an opponent by moving into the path of them to obstruct, block, slow down or force a change of direction”

I mean. Come on.

Team of the Weak

McCarthy - What. A. Howler.
Moreno - Pathetic. Just pathetic.
Funes Mori - No Funes. Just no.
Clark - Any Villa defender would have done in truth...
Dier - Inexplicably not sent off
Coquelin - Inexplicably got himself sent off

Mirallas - Inexplicably sent off by the referee
Mata - I could go on...
Sissoko - A sham of a player. Newcastle fans should sue him for his wages.
Giroud - Or any striker that Arsene Wenger hasn’t signed in the past ten years.
Ighalo - in a horrible rut and Watford need him to start scoring again. Because nobody else is going to.

What you may have missed

A lot of red cards, a lot of goals, a lot of late goals, a shameless Christian Benteke dive that was ludicrously justified by the “impartial” Jamie Carragher and West Brom v Manchester United.

I really hope you missed West Brom v Manchester United.

Go Foxes.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

City find the corners to end Liverpool’s hopes.
An absorbing if low on quality cup final came to an end with the Russian Roulette that is a penalty shootout this evening, and it was the boys in Blue who were left singing all the way back up to the North West. City won thanks to some ruthless, almost laser guided penalties that all found the corners of the luckless Mignolet’s net. Even the one they missed hit the post. Pool on the other hand, showed the usual inconsistency that has blighted their season throughout and were left empty handed, grimacing at the knowledge that their only hope of any glory this season, now lies in getting past that other, smaller club from Manchester in the Europa League. Klopp will ultimately be judged on next season not this one, and Pool can probably consider themselves lucky to be here at all, having actually only won two of their six league cup matches in normal time. City meanwhile can dust themselves off and see two games in a week around the corner (including Pool again) in the Premier League. How will that draining 120 minutes affect their troops? And what side will they put out on Wednesday now they find themselves closer to dropping out of the top four than winning the title? Only time will tell on that front, but for now their fans will simply be happy that another season has already been ticked off with something in the silverware column.

You can’t win anything with kids, but you can still beat Arsenal.
Oh Arsenal. You’re just not going to do it are you? And I mean ever. Or at least as long as Arsene Wenger stays at the helm. All of your main rivals have had their worst seasons in years and you’re still going to finish 3rd of 4th. And to Spurs as well? I mean Leicester hurts everyone (Citation: Delights everyone) but Spurs? Oooh... you can’t finish below them can you? Can you?

Apparently, they probably can. Certainly as long as they remain incapable of rousing themselves against a Manchester United side which featured a front three of pre-schoolers, a defence constructed by pre-schoolers and by the end had put so many kids on the pitch that it was beginning to resemble an N-Sync concert (insert band who the kids actually love in 2016).

Say what you want about Van Gaal (and I have) but he has shown a staggering commitment to youth when other managers would have caved and gone out and got reinforcements in January. He has given debuts to 16 academy players since taking over the job and none of them have hit the ground running faster than Marcus Rashford. Four games in two huge games, have propelled Rashford into the stratosphere and have finally given the United faithful something to cheer about again. Where he goes from here is anyone’s guess. Although you imagine Woy already has him on the plane...

Spurs and Leicester fans keep dreaming?
Dare I say it... these were title winning victories this week. Battling hard against a stubborn defence before finally getting a winner at the death? Never giving up and coming from behind to snatch victory? What a season it has been for these two clubs. Sensationally managed with a team spirit that cuts through each and every player. If there is one thing this season has taught us, is that it doesn’t matter how much money or sponsorship you have - if you’ve got a group of talented, well motivated players who are all willing to go out there and work this hard for each other - you can achieve anything. Fairy tales like this were supposed to be dead in English football. Not anymore. 11 games left lads... you probably only need to win 6 of them. Don’t stumble.

Is this the worst relegation fight ever?
Villa have gone, Chelsea have escaped and realistically this is looking increasingly like two of Sunderland, Newcastle and Norwich to go down. The trouble is, none of them want to win matches? When they do, they tend to follow it up with a useless loss. West Ham literally couldn’t have played worse on Saturday, and Sunderland still couldn’t score past them. Norwich played much better, but again got no reward and Newcastle’s prize for a fortnight off is another away match to a revived Stoke team who have embarrassed greater squads than theirs at the Britannia this season. At this point I literally don’t care which two of these teams go down... just as long as it’s over, quickly.

When the game of the day is West Brom, you’re in trouble.
Let’s not beat around the bush, great as was for Leicester to win again, the league action on Saturday was just about as poor as I’ve ever witnessed. Five matches had produced a mere eight goals before Pulis and Pardew served up a five goal thriller of, er... you batter us for one half and then we’ll do the opposite and see who scores more. Every game was blighted with individual errors, strange refereeing decisions and a complete and utter lack of ability. You’re all back again on Tuesday lads. Shape up, and don’t serve up any of that shit again.

Team of the Weak

Mignolet - I don’t even need to say it do I
Ward - Fell over more times than he completed successful crosses or tackles.

Okora - Okawful
Van Aanholt - Awful error for the goal in a match that would have been nil nil until time stood still. Looked like he was going to cry.
Gabriel - Oh Arsene. Oh Arsene, Arsene.
Walcott - Allegedly played 62 minutes of a football match.
Cabaye - Fouled people, pranced around, went off, probably cried.
Khazri - Bad day at the office culminating in that hopeless rabona attempt.

Westwood - Deadwood
Ighalo - Has gone off the boil. I don’t like to see you in here son. Come on, you’re better than this.
Anybody who plays up front for Norwich City - I mean, lads? Come on?

What you may have missed

Cristiano Ronaldo saying this his “team would be in first place if they were all on my level” angrily after a match. Before then retracting it and claiming he only meant “fitness wise.”

Did you mean that though Chris? Did you really...

Happy Fox Hunting.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Fox Hunting continues to be banned

Five points clear at the top of the table with 13 games left to play, Leicester City are not in a bubble that is about to burst, they are the most consistent team in the league and are top by merit. Their extraordinary success despite not caring about possession or passing is a product of both having a plan and regimentally sticking to it; and of the continued arrogance of many of their opponents who refuse to counter their obvious attacking abilities. Leicester City defend like Lions and attack like they’ve just been released from the cage. The way Mahrez skipped past the City defence for his goal was a joy to behold. His mesmeric drop of the shoulder a lesson to any footballer on the planet about how to beat at man running at pace. Mahrez has already scored and assisted the same number of goals that Hazard did on his way to the player of the year award, and he remains locked in a two way tussle with Jamie Vardy for the gong this time around. The top four all play each other this weekend in what is shaping up to be a truly brilliant title race in an otherwise average season. People are still expecting Leicester and Spurs to come unstuck, but if they both get even draws this weekend it will be hard to bet against the most unlikely top two in the modern era. City and Arsenal have the squads and the talent, but as the week’s move on, it’s becoming increasingly clear neither have the mental toughness or the togetherness of this remarkable Leicester City team.

Mark Albrighton and Danny Simpson with a Premier League winner’s medal? It really is time to dare to dream. Come on Foxes! 

(the Hindu Monkey would like to state he remains wholly impartial)

How is Klopp going to sort this mess out?

It’s hard to think of a more inconsistent team in the whole of English football right now than Liverpool. Capable of rampant attacking football and high pressing one minute, and lame insipid probing football the next. This is a team that can look like they could play for ten hours and not concede, and then let the opposition score twice in a minute. Clearly this season is a write off regarding a Champions League return, so the question now turns to how Klopp can turn this rabble into a proper team next season. Well he could start by buying a striker that fits his system, given Sturridge is made of glass and Benteke clearly not trusted. Firmino is a fine player, but a number nine he is not and you have to think that a roving three of Firmino, Coutinho and Lallana (with two of Lucas/Henderson/Milner/Can sitting) would work best behind a highly mobile attacker who stretched defences and created space for them to run in to. Robert Lewandowski for example. To name one player entirely at random who Liverpool will never, ever sign. The main problem though continues to be a back line who seem incapable of going ninety minutes without making at least one absolute howler. Clyne is a shadow of the player we saw for Southampton and seems to be still getting picked owing to lack of alternatives. Lovren and Sakho are both injury prone, even if the latter has the ability to grow into a fine player alongside a more experienced partner. It was perhaps hoped that Martin Skertel could be that partner. But that is clearly nonsense, as he’s rubbish. Although he’s still better than Kolo Toure, who is 34 going on 54 and has the turning circle of a bulldozer. And then there is Alberto Moreno, who blasted Brendan Rodgers for not picking him on his departure, and has then since showed exactly why Rodgers didn’t pick him in every game since. It’s no point being a marauding full back Alberto if a) you can’t finish your breakfast and b) you defend like headless chicken.

I can’t even be bothered to mention Simon Mignolet. Well I can, so consider this. If Simon Mignolet had made no errors this season; and I’m not even talking about saves he perhaps could have made, I’m talking about the 9 (NINE) howlers he has made… Liverpool would be 2^nd.

Oh what’s that? You’ve just given him a 5 year contract? That makes sense. Does he have the same agent as Nani…

Raheem Sterling’s price tag is a disgrace
If there is one thing this season has done, it is highlight more than ever the ridiculously inflated price tags that teams now pay for fashionable players. Nobody has been more guilty of this than Manchester City, who have paid out an astonishing £115m for the trio of Otamendi, Mangala and Sterling. They may all yet improve obviously, although I’m not sure Mangala will, but those price tags have to be called into question when you consider Spurs paid £11m for Toby Alderweireld. But let’s park everything else for a second and consider the £49m they paid for Sterling. For that price tag, given Sterling is not new to the league, you would expect someone to come in, hit the ground running and help propel the most expensively assembled squad in Europe to the title. Well Sterling has hit the ground running… but that is all he’s done. You can run Raheem, but you can’t hide… or in this case, actually contribute to the team by way of goals or creativity. Sterling has 5 goals and 3 assists this season, numbers swelled by a hat trick of taps ins against an injury ravaged Bournemouth. Even considering that anomaly, that is a goal involvement of one every 200 minutes. Which for a 50 million player in a 4-3-3 and the best striker in the league up front is pretty pathetic. Without that hat trick, it’s a goal involvement of one every 313 minutes. Which is as bad as any attacking player in the top ten. Beyond the stats though, Sterling is currently offering nothing to City’s attack. He doesn’t stretch the opposition like he at least did in his first few games and is regularly replaced at half time if things aren’t working. His manager clearly doesn’t trust him, because he’s a bit naff. He’s favoured Jesus Navas above him for much of the last few months, who hasn’t scored in over 80 matches. Sterling may yet prove me wrong, but right now he looks like someone who had one outstanding season because anyone who plays alongside the mercurial Luis Suarez looks about 50% better than they actually are. He might be better than Nathan Dyer… but right now he certainly isn’t better than Mark Albrighton. Over to you Pep…

Can Villa escape?
Just one defeat in five, with three clean sheets and now looking like a formidable force at home again. Villa didn’t even lose to Leicester. They’re just nine points clear of safety. Can they survive? Can they somehow finish above one of Newcastle, Bournemouth and Swansea? 

No, no they can’t. But it’s quite entertaining to see that glimmer of false hope in their fan’s eyes.

Enjoy the Championship lads. You’re going to be in it for a looooong time.

What has happened to Stoke?
Since a magical December where Stoke’s attacking players tore into Manchester City, United and Everton, scoring eight goals in three impressive wins, the Potters seem to have sustained a ridiculously long New Year hangover. They have played six league games since then, winning just once against a free-falling Norwich and have just been beaten three nil by Leciester, Man United and now Everton in succession. Ryan Shawcross is clearly a miss, the Potter’s have the best defensive record in the league when he’s been fit and one of the worst when he hasn’t. But that doesn’t excuse how bad they’ve been up front of late, barely threatening at all against an Everton side who love conceding almost as much as scoring. Hughes remains a curious manager, capable of producing thrilling teams who can compete with the best one minute and then apparently struggling to motivate his sides for long stretches. In a highly competitive and random season, Stoke need to rally to ensure they are not forgotten about and lost in a tiny mid-table bubble occupied by just themselves, Crystal Palace… and a small club called Chelsea.

Team of the Weak

Mignolet – Presumably he thought the game ended at 77 minutes as well?
Moreno – A genuine disgrace of a defender
Bassong – I’m not even sure he is a defender
Muniesa – Not Ryan Shawcross
Demichelis – Rubbish
McClean – 2 goals and 2 assist is rubbish James. Even playing for a Tony Pulis side. Do you even know how to cross a ball?
Arnautovic – Looks to already be thinking about who he’s going to play for next season
Fabregas – An absolute shadow of his former self
Sterling – Here’s a blind alley! Let me run in to it! Please! It’s mine, all mine!!
Giroud – It beggars belief about how Arsenal still haven’t bought a striker who can finish consistently all the chances they create
Anichebe – Jamie Vardy has scored more goals this season than Anichebe has in seven years

What you may have missed
The Superbowl. The main event of a sport so boring that tweets about the half time show outnumbered those about the actual match three to one.

The team that won had 11 first down’s. 11? In what, seven hours?

It’s worse than watching West Brom.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey