Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Is this the future of the Premier League?
For a while now the Premier League has been in danger of becoming a more level playing field. The influx of TV money has not increased the power at the top, but rather pushed everyone from the bottom upwards. The knock on effect has never been more devastating than this season. Whilst the top clubs continue to flatter to deceive in Europe, the league has evolved into an impossible to predict week by week hotpot of drama. The season reaches its half way point on Boxing Day with Chelsea in 15^th, 3 points off the relegation zone and Leicester City top with 38 points. But even beyond those two, we have Palace level on points with the teams in 4^th and Watford just one point further behind. Watford!? A team who still play each week with 9 or 10 of the players they came up with last year? Just 12 points separate 4^th from 17^th – an extraordinarily bunched group when you consider Leicester sit 9 points ahead of that and villa some 10 beneath. So the key question remains. Is this the future? Will we see a time again when 3 or 4 clubs dominate with 15-20 point gaps from 3^rd to 5^th as there has been in the past? It looks unlikely. The Premier League is a brutishly tough league now and the fear factor is utterly gone. Promoted clubs go to Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge, Anfield and all and play open and expansive football with little threat of being torn to pieces. The odd slaughter still happens of course, but one of the strangest trends to emerge over the past few years is that this often seems to involve two supposedly bigger teams, rather than first battering last as used to happen in the past… and still does with alarming regularity in La Liga (10-2 anyone?)

Is all of this of the detriment to our European chances? To the future of the national team? Of course it is. Has it resulted in a better, more entertaining and unpredictable league in return? Yes, yes it has. Bring on the second half.

United fans should be careful what they wish for.
According to reports coming out of Old Trafford, Van Gaal has two games to save his job. Lose either match over Christmas (away to Stoke, home to Chelsea) and he will be shown the door with one of two scenarios happening. Ryan Giggs taking over until the end of the season… or Jose Mourinho taking over from January. All of this surely sounds like music to the ears of many a United fan, bored to a near comatose state by the football over the past few months, results have now turned to go with the performances; and United sit on a worse run than even Moyes ever achieved. But are the two options outlined above really any better? Do United really think having the callow Giggs as manager for half the season will result in more chance of a top four finish than Van Gaal? And what of Jose? A manager who we now know will only ever be a short term solution. A manager who, whilst extremely talented, is arguably the most disliked by fellow fans in the game. And what of his football? Jose has only ever managed one team that could be considered entertaining (Real) and even they had lost their way by the end. His football is clean sheet first, expansive second, just like Van Gaal. And none of that even takes into account how he will react to his current experience? Time will tell of course, and for now the job remains Van Gaal’s to lose. This run surely can’t continue… but at the same time, it’s hard to pick out a player who is suddenly going to turn it around for him.

Saints are in a rut
Five games without a win, with the League Cup battering from Liverpool sandwiched in between, Southampton are in real trouble of unravelling. Their defensive solidity has never recovered following the injury to Fraser Forster, coupled with the loss of Morgan Schneiderlin to Manchester United. But it’s upfront where they’ve struggled of late. The trouble for Saints is that in Pelle, Mane and Long they have three streak players. Capable of hitting eight goals in five matches one minute… and then going on long goalless runs the next. It’s safe to say Saints are currently very much in the latter situation right now. How Koeman must wish he could get the talented Jay Rodriguez back on the pitch again to give them something different in the final third. Saints have Arsenal away on Boxing Day before the fixtures turn a little kinder heading in to the New Year. Koeman needs his team to find their fluidity again and quickly. Whilst a good run can carry you to the cusp of Europe this season, the reverse is also true. The last thing Saints need is a relegation battle.

Klopp is not a miracle cure
Since the victory away to Manchester City, Liverpool have laboured past a woeful Swansea before playing Newcastle, West Brom and Watford and winning none. They have scored just three goals in that four game run, which was what they managed in the first half in that scintillating performance that announced them as a genuine team once again. Klopp tried to play the same way on Sunday, but his team never recovered from the absolute howler that gifted Watford the opening goal. After that Pool fell victim to the quick, counter attacking football coupled with high pressing that Klopp has sought to instil into his own players. Watford were full value for their win and Klopp now has a much better idea of the size of the job on his hands. Liverpool have regularly managed to rouse themselves for the bigger games over the years, but have continued to let themselves down in fixtures that it seems, on paper, they should win at a canter. The squad is young and talented, but they lack the sort of striker their system craves whilst Daniel Sturridge remains on the treatment table. Defensively, if anyone gets behind them they collapse like a pack of cards. Moreno is a sham of a defender. Superb when marauding forward but totally inept when put under any serious pressure. Liverpool have a terrible goalkeeper and an even worse back up one. Martin Skrtel still gets games by virtue of there being no credible alternative, but Klopp could do a lot worse than just buy an entirely new back five in January. Fourth is still achievable by virtue of every serious challenger for that position being equally as shit, but Klopp needs to go back to basics after this performance and rouse his team for the Boxing Day visit of… yeah… Leicester.

Barely believable Leicester related stats of the season

·         10% of all goals this season have been scored by Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez or Odion Ighalo

·         Vardy and Mahrez have score more between them (28) than 16 of the 20 Premier League’s entire squads…

·         Mahrez is, statistically, the best player in the whole of Europe’s top league this season

·         No team has ever finished outside of the top 4 having been top by Christmas

·         5 of the last 6 teams to be top at Christmas, have won it

·         N’Golo Kante has made almost 20% more interceptions than any other player in the league

·         Leicester have lost less games this season than Barcelona and Real Madrid. And the same as Bayern Munich

·         Robert Huth has played 30 games for Leicester. And stepped off the pitch with his team having lost... once…

Team of the Weak (in brief)

Bogdan – An absolute horror show.
O’Shea – Torn apart by Oscar.
Funes Mori – Torn apart by Leicester.
Fonte – Looks half as good as he did 12 months ago.
Moreno – Can’t defend. Can’t tackle and inexplicably not booked.
Wanyama – Not worth 2m right now, let alone 20m.
Mata – Looks to have completely gone. Jose coming probably won’t help…
McClean – Unstable.
Shaqiri – Has shown only flashes of ability. Can’t buy a goal.
Rooney – Garbage.
Pelle – Garbage Man.

What you may have missed                        
Chelsea fans chanting “where were you when we were shit” to their players, before booing Costa and Fabregas from the field; Jamie Vardy not actually scoring a goal… but still setting up two for others; Everton playing with total attacking abandon… and forgetting they have to defend; Harry Kane reminded everyone that he isn’t a flash in the plan; Dele Alli trying to do the same… and so far succeeding; Crystal Palace moving to level points with Man Utd and Spurs in 4^th; West Brom losing their heads; Newcastle and Villa treating us to one of the worst 45 minutes, followed by arguably the best 45 minutes of the season in an inexplicably low scoring, end to end, littered with errors match up; Liverpool fans not talking about the title anymore; or even the top four; West Ham keeping a clean sheet for three games in a row and finally… Sepp “I am still Fifa President, I am not guilty, I am not ashamed” Blatter absolutely, resolutely refusing to go quietly into the night…

Merry Christmas

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey         

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Palace continue to impress
6^th in the league entirely on merit, Palace have taken their game to a new level of late, adding defensive steel to their attacking intent. Palace have a high class squad brimming with talent and full credit has to go to Alan Pardew for the continued success his team are having. There are few more entertaining players in the league than Yannick Bolasie, the Congolese winger is the star on top of the Christmas Tree that Pardew has decorated. Under his current manager, Bolasie has matured into a consistent menace with genuine end product. He terrorised Southampton at the weekend and the 1-0 score line flattered Saints a little. With Mane and Pelle not delivering, Koeman has seen his side slide gradually down the table and needs to find the same winning formula that Pardew currently has to arrest their decline. Palace’s meanwhile, will take their impressive form to the best defence in the land next weekend, as they try and find a way past the house that Jack built.

Butland is breathing down Joe Hart’s neck
Since Ryan Shawcross has returned to action, Stoke have played six games and only conceded two goals, both in a 40 minute spell when their captain was dismissed. During that run, Stoke have built a defensive fortress to which Jack Butland is simply refusing to relinquish the keys to. On form, Butland is far and away the best keeper in the league. He has made the most saves, kept the most clean sheets and is slaughtering every other keeper bar Watford’s Gomes in his Opta stats and, more importantly, Fantasy Football points. Butland is 22, English and breathing down the neck of our number one keeper Joe Hart. To Hart’s credit, he has been superb for club and country since he was dropped in the middle of last season. He was Manchester City’s best player at the weekend as they stole an undeserved win in true title chasing fashion. In a national side which lacks world class players in almost every conceivable position, it should be noted that Goalkeeper is not one of them.

Van Gaal is running out of ideas
First things first, there are no mitigating circumstances when you have spent over a quarter of a billion pounds in 18 months. United may have had a patched up defence on Saturday, but they had a front four of Mata, Depay, Martial and Fellaini, who cost around £140 million between them. United lost on Saturday because they didn’t take their chances and then failed to respond to a Bournemouth side who simply cared about winning the football match more. In truth, playing against the bookies favourites to get relegated this season, United were given a lesson in every aspect of the game. The Bournemouth fans, all 28,000 of them, made more noise than the 75,000 of Old Trafford do on most weeks. The defence was more committed to the cause, the midfield more creative, the wingers faster and more penetrative and upfront Josh King, a player United let go, gave the most expensive teenager in World Football an education in how to play as a lone striker. United never looked like getting back into the game once the Cherries took the lead, and the game came to an end with the defenders pumping long balls seventy yards forward to Fellaini… who had been substituted with 15 minutes left. Van Gaal has ran out of ideas. He cannot get his team to attack as a unit and he cannot coax individual brilliance out of obviously talented players. Each of his forwards look like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders and he has to take responsibility for the profligacy of their finishing and their lethargic approach to attacking. On the other side of the pitch stood Harry Arter, a man who had just lost his new born baby daughter. His performance was better than any single United player this season and no player deserved the victory more. As he walked emotionally off to be hugged by his manager, it was clear how much of a superb job Eddie Howe has done at getting his players to play for him… and to care about the future of this football club. Right now, that could not be further from the truth at United. A once great club getting drained at the teat by the Glazers, the leech like presence of Ed Woodward and managed by an arrogant bastard coasting on past glories. Manchester United are broken, and to be frank, most people couldn’t be happier about it.

Aston Villa surely can’t get out of this
A full 8 points clear from safety, only York City can lay claim to be in worse form in the entire football league than Aston Villa. They have scored the least amount of goals and conceded the most to boot. They have not kept the same eleven in any game and Remi Garde has inherited an absolute train wreck of a side that he has no idea how to pull clear of the debris. Villa have flirted with relegation for a couple of years, indebted largely to the goals of Christian Benteke to pull them clear when it’s mattered. This season Benteke is gone, and Rudy Gestede is in. Surely… surely… this time they can’t survive. When Alan Hutton is your current player of the season… you don’t deserve to be in the top flight. 

The Toon – taking the piss out of bookmakers since the start of the Premier League
What a fascinatingly curious side Newcastle are. Is there any team in the land capable of looking like they’ve never played together one week, and putting together such a seamless, impressive performance the next? Two weeks ago, going one nil down to Spurs would have been the signal for the flood gates to open. Yet Newcastle, buoyed by last week’s hard fought win against Liverpool, inexplicably rallied with match winning substitutions and came back to win the match. How Newcastle fans must crave a season of actual consistency. A season where they never know from one week to the next if they are to get slaughtered or return a famous victory. After being dead and buried in November, Newcastle are now above Chelsea in the league. Not a hugely impressive achievement this season granted, but still amusing to say nonetheless…

Team of the Weak

Mignolet – statistically the most error prone keeper in the league, one can only assume Klopp is contractually obliged to continue to praise him
Clyne – has yet to show his Southampton form for his new club. Solid and dependable but was poor on Sunday and is much less of an attacking threat than Moreno
Bacuna – looks overweight and immobile, was given a lesson by Arsenal
Blind – was pulled all over the place by King. Not a centre back
Mangala – the most overpriced defender in world football. And that includes David Luiz…
Veretout – simply terrible, didn’t deserve to be on the same pitch as the opposition
Mata – touched the ball seven times in the second half, did nothing with it
Rodwell – Who? Exactly
Mane – A poor man’s Bolasie. An absolutely flat broke man’s Mahrez
Kane – Not his day, restricted to shooting from deep and didn’t get involved in the game
Martial – Two good chances, missed them both and looks like he has no idea what to do for the team

What you may have missed                        
Everton absolutely battering Norwich for 45 minutes and then only coming away with a draw… you know, because it’s a game of two halves son; Swansea looking like a completely different team following the sacking of their manager; Watford winning again; Ighalo scoring again; West Brom scoring two goals in a football match; Liverpool scoring two goals in a home football match and Arsenal drawing Barcelona in the Champions League yet again, right after we’ve all praised them for doing so well to finish second in their group…

Oh well, it could be worse Wenger, you could be in the Europa.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey         

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Gegenpressing & Benteke don’t mix

There has been something missing from Klopp’s most impressive results so far this season. His team have gone to Chelsea, City and Southampton and won with a collective score line of 13-3. The problem the German has, is that his £32.5m striker started none of those matches. In all of those games Liverpool pressed from the front and put the opposition on the back foot, forcing them into errors which they would then exploit. Despite playing against the worst defence in the league yesterday, Benteke was unable to do the same and Liverpool lost the momentum and ultimately the match. The simple fact is that Benteke is not a player who currently fits into Liverpool’s system. He is a wonderful plan B, as he proved from coming off the bench in two of the above games and getting in amongst the goals once the opposition was worn down by the high intensity opening hour. But £32.5m seems like a lot for a plan B. Klopp’s reign at Anfield has started impressively, but he has a similar problem to Van Gaal at United, in that his team are set up to play better against the bigger sides. Although that said, at least Liverpool can say they have a plan B, unlike say Chelsea. And when they do click, they actually score goals, unlike United.

Jose has ran out of ideas
Things have gone from bad, to worse, to catastrophic for Jose Mourinho. Beaten at home by newly promoted Bournemouth, themselves on a terrible run of form and not even being able to score against them represented a new low in a season of near permanent troughs. The problem for Chelsea and their manager is that like many managers in the supposed greatest league in Europe, they have no discernible plan B. Jose sets his team up in a 4-2-3-1 and has done so for around 6 years – a slight variation on the initial 4-3-3 that proved so successful during the first two years of his Chelsea reign. This formation relies on several factions working properly, not least the double pivot which has gone badly awry this season. Indeed, the form of Matic and Fabregas has tailed off almost every month since January. But despite their ailing efforts, the key man in such a system remains the 1 up top. He has to be fit, mobile and work hard to create space for the rest of the team. So far this season, Diego Costa has done none of that and is even missing the chances he is getting to boot. He has picked more fights than scored goals and his general presence seems to be distracting the entire team. Why not change formation Jose? Why not give Costa a strike partner for a couple of games and give Oscar a rest from his near terminal decline? Ultimately there is only one way under Jose. It normally works and works well, but when it doesn’t (see the player of the year now not having scored in a preposterous 25 games) he has no idea what to do. Over at Arsenal, Wenger has the same problem. It’s 4-3-3 every week, regardless of the opposition with a high defensive line and a total reliance on a single holding player to keep out the advancing midfield. City likewise and the list could go on to include Southampton and Spurs. At least Van Gaal is fluid with his formations, being able to switch seamlessly from one system to the next. All utterly incapable as each other of ever, ever scoring a goal…

Stoke have finally shed the coat of Pulis
If the money pumped into the Premier League has done anything, it is to bulk up the front lines of numerous mid-table teams to make them more competitive in matches against the bigger sides. Indeed, such is the apparent random nature of the top flight, it’s not even a surprise anymore that we can go through a game week with Manchester City, United, Chelsea and Liverpool not winning… or indeed even scoring a goal. Stoke fans would have laughed at you if you told them a couple of years ago they’d be ripping apart Manchester City with a front four of Bojan, Shaqiri, Arnautovic and Affelay. Players who were at Barcelona, Bayern Munich and Inter Milan when Tony Pulis was still in charge of the Potters. Slowly but surely though, Mark Hughes has turned around this side and is now doing the most impressive job of his career. Stoke now keep clean sheets and score goals… and great goals at that. The pass from Shaqiri for Arnautovic’s second was so sexual you could have made love to it a thousand times. In the most open of open Premier League seasons, Stoke fans have plenty of reasons to be thankful this Christmas.

Gary Monk is in trouble
One win in eleven and in near freefall following their impressive start to the season, Gary Monk is another manager falling fowl of the lack of plan B syndrome that is sweeping our game. Swansea have moved seamlessly between managers over several years, maintaining their attractive passing game throughout. This is the first time though, that the system has badly gone off the rails. Swansea still see plenty of the ball, 60% of it this Saturday, but they are not being anywhere near penetrative enough with it and key players are not performing as they were earlier in the season. Monk is an affable manager who hasn’t suddenly become bad at his job, but he looks faintly clueless as to how to arrest such a shocking decline in form. Managers do not get the support they used to; indeed it’s not exaggerating to say most clubs would have sacked both Mourinho and Monk by now, so they arguably need to be more tactically fluid than ever to keep ahead of the curve. If Monk does go, he will be another in a long line of managers who had one system which worked very well, only to find themselves on the unemployment list as soon it was broken. 

Riyad Mahrez is legitimately the best player in Europe
A couple of weeks ago a report by CIES (think Opta, but even more geeky) ranked Riyad Mahrez as the second best offensive player in Europe’s five major leagues. This was done on a combination of shooting, chance creation, dribbling, distribution, recovery and rigour. Only Robert Lewandowksi ranked above him. On Opta’s own list, based on similar factors but with a greater emphasis on attacking forays, only Neymar sat above him. As of Sunday afternoon, nobody was above him on either list. No midfielder (Mahrez has started at right wing in a 4-4-1-1 for over 80% of his matches this season) is even close to him. He could sit his ass on the turf for five matches solid and do nothing and he’d still be above them. That seems unlikely though… Mahrez is one of the busiest players in the league and it is he, rather than Jamie Vardy, who is the creative hub in the team sitting proudly at the top of the table. The Algerian has scored 13 and assisted 8 more in 20 games for club and country this season. An extraordinary output considering the teams he plays for and his position out on the wing. He is close to unplayable on his day, combining the vision of Silva with the distribution of Ozil and the finishing of… well… statistically, Robert Lewandowksi. Mahrez is just 24 and the tragic thing is that Leicester have absolutely no chance of keeping him past the summer. For that reason alone, one hopes he and his club continue this Cinderella story to its conclusion. In a league littered with bloated wages and big clubs floundering, Leicester are the little kid at the top table who just keeps on eating. Frankly, long may it continue.

Team of the Weak

Courtois – Thrust back into the action following injury Courtois never looked fully comfortable this weekend and was ultimately at fault for the decisive winning goal
Ivanovic – It’s not entirely clear why Ivanovic is still getting games for Chelsea. Azpi on the right, Baba on the left. It’s not hard Jose
Skrtel – A typically sketchy display by Skrtel resulting in an own goal and a defeat
Williams – Swansea’s captain needs to channel the performances he has given for his country to dig his club side out of this rut
Demichelis – Another woeful defensive display from City when Kompany wasn’t on the pitch. Demichelis wandered around like he was off to collect his pension from the post office
Delph – It’s been an indifferent, injury ravaged start to his City career and Delph needs to play better than this to get in the Euro 2016 squad and not leave many questioning the wisdom (cough greed) of his summer move
Fellaini – The Belgian did not play badly on Saturday, but his selection was indicative of the pragmatism under Van Gaal. When will the Dutchman take the handbrake of his team and give his faster, attacking players room to breathe?
Sterling – Horseshit. The guy’s transfer fee is an absolute fucking disgrace (I’d been quite mild mannered this week as well…)
Mane – When Mane & Pelle fail, so do Southampton. They are woefully reliant on the two players to create the spark to break down opposition sides and if either of them don’t turn up, they tend to crash and burn like they did on Saturday
Benteke – Arsenal. Arsenal was where you should have gone Christian
The Norwich City Strike Force – Jerome, Mbokani and Grabban have played for over 1400 minutes this season and scored 5 goals. A rate of one every 4.8 hours. For a team who often attack with wild abandon, that is garbage.

    

What you may have missed                        
David Silva returning from injury and being played off the park by Glen Whelan, who remains perhaps the most underappreciated player in the history of the entire Premier League; Arsenal fielding 5 (five) English players during their win over Sunderland; the entirety of the apparent football match at Old Trafford; Deeney and Ighalo continuing the league’s best double act; and Tony Pulis grinding out a draw vs Spurs and showing all the Stoke fans what they’re now missing.

Nothing. They’re missing nothing Tony. 

Just like at Old Trafford.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey         

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Chelsea aren’t fit to be called Champions

14th in the table, below Watford & West Brom and closer to the relegation zone than they are any European spot, Chelsea rocked up to Spurs this weekend and proudly parked their bus across the pitch. This is the Spurs side who are arguably Chelsea’s biggest threat to whatever slender chance they still had of 4th place. With many of the clubs nearer the top having already dropped points the day before, everything about this game screamed “must win” to the team in blue. But this, is a Jose Mourinho team. For how much longer, nobody knows... but if the moment Chelsea lost their crown came many weeks ago, this was the moment they urinated all over it. No team who plays without a striker against the team who are 5th deserve respect. No team who set themselves up in this manner against a squad assembled at one eighth the total cost of their own deserve glory. No team who with twenty minutes left in a match they simply HAD to win, and bring on defensive substitutions to close the game out deserve anything but contempt and pity. Jose can argue all he wants about how big a point it was. It wasn’t. It was another two points lost. You are the champions of England and you’re pleased that you played for a point at White Hart Lane? Get the fuck out. You deserve to have your names removed from the Premier League Trophy for last year, and may you never sully its name anytime soon again.

Newcastle need to be put out to pasture
It would be wrong for Steve McClaren to get the sack from Newcastle. Not because he’s not responsible in some way, he’s the manager and has to take responsibility for the fact his players aren’t performing for him. But the general malaise and sense of disinterest from both board and players on Tyneside needs to be addressed before Newcastle plunder into the abyss and never return. Say what you like about Newcastle fans, but they certainly care about their team. This is a passionate set of supporters who are being betrayed by poor higher management, a lack of youth development and foreign imports coming over for an easy pay cheque. Newcastle player’s heads drop faster than an under 11s team upon losing the first goal. They’ve conceded 30 times already, having been battered at least four times. They have Liverpool at home next, the team who just ripped apart Manchester City away from home. If Firmino, Coutinho and Sturridge are fit... dear god it could be a cricket score.

The Hornets continue to buzz
Watford are 11th in the table, half way to the probable safety target with 14 games played. Tipped by many to go down, myself included, Flores and his side have been a welcome addition to the league and are beginning to add attacking flair to defensive nous. Granted, playing Villa is no yard stick to measure anyone on right now (how on earth did City not score against this lot?) - but Watford are doing the basics right and up front have a genuine throwback strike partnership which shimmers with menace. It’s easy to see why Troy Deeney is a cult hero amongst fans. He is a proper street fighter of a footballer who wears his clubs heart on his sleeve and gives everything to the cause each week. He is not short on talent either, indeed Deeney has refined his game over the season to adjust to the rigours of the Premier League. He is a deeply unselfish player and because of his strength often takes several players out of the game to create space for his strike partner Odion Ighalo. The Nigerian was a bit of a journeyman, having played for 7 clubs before his 25th birthday before Watford snapped up his services last year. Since then, he has scored  28 league goals in 48 matches. He is the third highest scorer in the league this year and has been involved in over 90% of all of his sides goals. Jamie Vardy and Leicester have hogged almost every back page going this season, but it’s high time Ighalo was given the coverage he deserves. The kid is class. If the Daily Mail won’t tell you that in amongst the smear mongering, war mongering, classism and racism... then damn it I will.

PS. Also, Flores... I mean, if you had to, I mean HAD to fuck a guy... you would, wouldn’t you...

Vardy smashes through Van Gaals brick wall
It says everything about how negative United are under Van Gaal that the manager publicly admitted to playing three at the back this weekend, SOLELY to contain Vardy. It didn’t work. One chance, one goal. Eleven in a row. How’s that for a kid from Stocksbridge earning £30 a fucking week 5 years ago.

THIS IS WHAT FUCKING PASSION LOOKS LIKE LOUIS. YOUR TEAM ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH SOME!

And breathe. Deep breaths.... and breathe again.

Go Foxes.

John Motson - how much longer do we have to endure this?
Okay. I’ll try and remain calm here. I will try and articulate to you all in a careful and considered manner how it might be wise for a man who can no longer use the English language to commentate on football matches. Motson was doing okay for 84 minutes, sort of. It was a steady game, three goals, quite entertaining. Sure he seemed to have no idea how two of the goals went in, or what the score was at one point, but there was only five minutes left and he was probably thinking of his slippers, a nip of brandy and bed. But then, oh no... three goals in the dying minutes, one in the 8th minute of the 5 allotted to injury time. It all went wrong.

Oh... and... yes... I think that’s... well... a goal!... well would you believe it... stannis baratheon again... well I’ve never seen anything... is it... yes it is... game of the season... well I never... 4-3... no wait 3 all... well what must eddie... yes him... how... well I say... who’d be a manager

Dear Auntie, I know the Tories are paying you to report the news more favourably these days... but I’m pretty sure nobody in Westminster is coughing up for this.

Put. Him. Down.

(this bloggist would like it to be stated for the public record that John Motson is a public treasure, national hero, lovely bloke, general superstar, someone who is not Garth Crookes and a wonderful ambassador for the game)

(but seriously, you’re 70, don’t you have some sci-fi novels to read or something)

Team of the Weak

Newcastle. Each and every one of them. It would be an insult to any player who stepped on a pitch this weekend to be placed above them.

Although Jose can manage them.

What you may have missed
Arsenal and Alexis burning out... gee who saw that one coming; Swansea seriously now having no idea how to win football matches; West Brom and West Hamzzzzzzzzz; Harry Kane getting booked, for caring; Aston Villa trying to defend; Everton trying to defend; Bournemouth trying to defend, Southampton trying to defend; Manchester United mostly showing everyone how to defend and boring the fucking socks off everyone... oh and Britain winning the Davis Cup. 

That is not a typo.

Go Foxes.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five things we learnt from the Premier League this weekend

Spurs are reaping the rewards for faith in youth.

This summer, Spurs shed the dead weight from their squad and for the first time in the Daniel Levy era, gave full faith to their manager in backing his desire to promote a young, athletic side of future stars and academy players. Spurs first choice front six of Dier, Ali, Lamela, Son, Eriksen and Kane are 21, 19, 23, 23, 23 and 22. They don’t currently have a player anywhere near their squad over the age of 28. The youngest starting eleven in the league’s history (taken over a 10 game period) is currently unbeaten since the opening day and playing the sort of football that Spurs fans thought was long a thing in the past. Most impressively, their manager has added defensive steel to attacking nous and Spurs, for the time being, seem finally shorn of conceding the sort of calamitous goals that have defined their seasons for the past decade. Spurs battered West Ham this weekend, after doing the same and somehow coming away with a draw away to Arsenal last week. The front players interchange with loving symmetry and, in Dier and Ali, they now have steel to sit alongside the flair of Eriksen and Lamela. Dembele has also been a revelation when required, the ex-Fulham player finally having woken up to his ample talent. After a start where City looked like they might run away with it, just four points separate five teams at the top. Spurs are up there entirely on merit, and if they can keep their young guns fit and firing, they should not be intimidated by anyone.

Lukaku is coming of age.
Few players featured more regularly in my team of the weak last season than Lukaku. The Belgian has always been a curious player, looking like Drogba in his pomp one minute, and Heskey in his decline the next. This season, it looks like he has finally come of age and Everton are reaping the awards. It should be remembered, that Lukaku is only just 22. He became only the fifth player in league history this weekend, to score 50 goals before his 23^rd birthday. Given the others are Rooney, Ronaldo, Owen & Fowler… it’s safe to say he is in pretty good company. When he plays like this he is unstoppable, holding the ball up, rising like a salmon and with a fleet of foot unbefitting to a big man. His rise in form has coinciding with an Everton team who now appear rampant in attack given half the chance. They have torn apart the bottom two teams in ruthless fashion and have strength in depth along with a first eleven full of shimmering menace. Everton had a brutal start to the season fixture wise and looking at their next few games – Bournemouth, Palace, Norwich, Leicester, Newcastle, Stoke – their fans should be rewarded with more goals and a potential and genuine challenge for the major European places. Okay, they probably won’t beat Leicester. But the rest…

Leicester have a month to make their claim real.
Top of the league, with the best striker and the most creative midfielder (that little German pixie aside) – the bubble is still refusing to burst for Leicester. It is telling then, that they now enter a period of games where they will be either found out for the plucky, crest of a wave riding mavericks they are; or stand up as genuine title, that’s right, genuine title contenders. Their fixtures between now and January are Man Utd, City and Chelsea at home… and Swansea, Everton and Liverpool away. The league’s best defence roll in to town this weekend and if the Foxes can penetrate a back line that hasn’t conceded from open play in TEN HOURS, let alone roll them over, the gloves really will be off. Nobody wants this Cinderella story to end. Leicester are an absolute breath of fresh air at the top of the tree and the longer they stay there the better. Danny Murphy said Jamie Vardy wasn’t worth £10m this weekend. Which says everything you need to know about the lack of respect that he, and this wonderfully free flowing, positive team are still receiving. Viva La Foxes!

Alexis Sanchez needs a rest. Now.
Since the summer of 2013, 28 months ago, Alexis Sanchez has played, wait for it… 161 games. That figure doesn’t even include friendly or pre-season matches. He has not had any period longer than 2 weeks off at any stage, and, excluding the close season, is averaging a match every 4.5 days. That, quite frankly, is madness. Other players have no doubt done similar, but Sanchez is flying back and forth to Chile every month or so and has a game centred around pace, power and physical strength. He started the season poorly, visibly jaded after his summer excursions with his country. He found full fitness towards the end of September and promptly scored seven goals in four matches. Another international break followed and Sanchez hasn’t scored since. He has been carrying a niggle since that break which worsened before the latest one. Inexplicably, he played 180 minutes for his country, despite barely being able to run, before returning and getting a single days rest and playing another 90 for a tired Arsenal this Saturday. Arsenal may well have a long injury list (when do they ever not) but not resting their star asset is now getting dangerously close to total stupidity. Alexis visibly plays better when fully fit and having had a week’s rest. Arsenal have a virtual dead rubber in the Champions League this week before playing Norwich the week after, a fixture they surely do not need Sanchez to get three points from. The best thing Wenger can do at this stage is give the lad two weeks off in the sun and tell him to come back refreshed, recharged and ready for the busy Christmas. If he doesn’t, both his star player and his title chances are going to burn out like a candle. 

Klopp gets Liverpool pressing to the samba beat.
In a weekend full of impressive performances, the best was reserved for the Etihad Stadium. What was surprising though, is that it wasn’t Manchester City who came up with it. Even allowing for a Vincent Kompany-less City back line, Liverpool turned in a first half performance of incredible pressing, passing and movement that tore apart the league leaders like confetti. This was Klopp’s calling card right here. This was why people went crazy when he was appointed manager. This is what his sides are capable of. Klopp has landed on his feet more than people realise at Liverpool. Rodgers was trying to play this type of football but couldn’t quite the engine going following the loss of Luis Suarez to Barcelona. As such, Liverpool are ready equipped with several players who ideally fit Klopp’s style of play. Very fit, intricate players capable of high pressing, high tempo football. Coutinho, Fimino, Lallana, Milner, Can. The captain Jordan Henderson also fits this mould and his reintroduction into a team playing this well is only going to improve things further. Defensively Pool remain a work in progress, Martin Skertel is by no stretch of the imagination a player good enough to play in a side with delusions of trophies and Klopp could do worse than replace at least three members of his back five with premium quality in January. For now, the reintroduction of Lucas, strangely cast aside by Rodgers for much of his reign, is helping keep things tighter and providing a base for the German’s samba stars to shine higher up. City were awful, but when their own manager says 10 goals wouldn’t have flattered the opposition, they’ve probably done something right.

Team of the Weak:

Adrian – Should really have saved at least two of Spurs goals, although was done few favours by his defence and actually made 8 further stops to keep the score down to a mere four. Still, you can’t win them all son.
Richards – Richards move to Aston Villa this summer has been little short of a disaster. Just two clean sheets and he continues to marshal a defence to morale sapping batterings.
Mangala – One of the single worst performances in Premier League history. Should be made to train with the reserves for a month.
Sagna – Little better, caught in position, terrible passing and beaten too easily time and time again.
Coloccini – Shit. Just shit.
Noble – More interested in starting fights than playing football and let Spurs get under his skin. Not a good day.
Sissoko – One of those games where you wonder if he’s only stepped on the pitch to cash his cheque.
Arteta – Came on for an injured player. Scored an own goal. Left injured.
Toure – Pathetic and lazy performance, dragged at half time, could have come off after 15 minutes.
Sanchez – Give. The. Man. A. Holiday.
Pelle – One of those games for Pelle where is hair was more noticeable than his football. Suspended to boot.

What you may have missed
David De Gea making the save of the season so far at Vicarage Road; Chelsea grinding out the sort of deathly dull 1-0 win that makes everyone want to welcome Jose Mourinho into their warm bosom; John Stones, just going about his day job, being the best centre back on Merseyside and not being at Chelsea; Newcastle not so much imploding, as not bothering to begin with; Stoke keeping their fifth clean sheet in six matches; Gary Monk clinging on to his job despite being tipped for England two months ago; Arsenal having one of those days against Tony Pulis away from home; the majority of Manchester City’s starting eleven utterly absent from the Etihad Stadium and West Ham, Payet-less and guile-less against Tottenham’s handsome youths.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

What we learnt from the Premier League

Leicester deserve their status
Leicester City are third in the table, with the leagues highest scoring striker, highest scoring midfielder and a manager who looks to have put any retirement plans on hold for one final crack of the good life. But rest assured, this is not a fluke, a quirk of form or the fixture sheet. Over the past TWENTY games Leicester have won 13, drawn 5 and lost 2. That’s 44 points. Only Arsenal boast better form and it’s hard to make a case for their run stopping when they continue to show such resilience, team spirit and boast two of the league’s best forwards. Oh how Chelsea must crave the energy and the power of Jamie Vardy, the creativity and the trickery of Riyad Mahrez. This run is too long now to be considered a flash in the pan. Leicester play Newcastle and Watford before welcoming the insipid Manchester United to the King Power Stadium. On the evidence of everything we’ve seen this season, they will be favourites to extend their merciless stranglehold on the Champions League placings and condemn the purveyors of anti-football to the mid table purgatory where they belong.

Kone today, here tomorrow
When Arouna Kone took to the field in the first match of the season, he was booed. He proceeded to score one, make one and continued his form into the next game when his combination play with Lukaku was key to a fine away win against Southampton. He may have milled around the edges a little since then, but Roberto Martinez never lost faith in the player he brought with him from Wigan. Back to full fitness for the first time since a career threatening injury, Kone was absolutely unplayable this Sunday. He battered a woeful Sunderland with the sort of performance that Diego Costa used to be famous for, before he became merely famous for kicking, cheating, diving, punching and generally being an all round cunt. Everton tore into Sunderland like a pack of meat starved Lions. So  disinterested in defending, a scoreline of 10-4 from the second half alone could easily have been possible. Lukaku towered, Deulofeu purred, Barkley caressed and loved the football like it was his own newborn baby... but above them all stood Kone. He deserved this... and after the few weeks Everton have had, frankly so did they.

League title? That’s golden, David
Co-Chairman of West Ham, David Sullivan, announced this week without irony that West Ham were now “seriously thinking about the title.” Whilst their early season form has been largely delightful, such a comment was always likely to bite you in the ass and so it proved as the Hammers failed to break down an increasingly more resilient Watford. With more clean sheets than the bottom five combined, Watford look more than equipped to staying up thanks to sound defensive organisation, and the supreme talents of Odion Ighalo up front. The prolific marksman has carried on where we left off in the Championship and now has seven strikes to his name. He shimmers with menace in the box and his partnership with Troy Deeney has more than a whiff of Owen & Heskey about it. West Ham were largely terrible on Saturday. Playing absolutely everything through Payet is all very well when he’s firing, but when he has an off day you need a plan B. And with Andy Carroll already on the pitch... well... let’s just say that it’s not going out on a limb to be able to say, pretty confidently, that West Ham are not going to win the title this year.

Although they still have a better chance than Chelsea granted.

And Liverpool.

Arsenal have to win the title this year
It feels like we’ve said many times over the past decade, if arsenal don’t win the title this year etc etc etc. But at the risk of history repeating itself... if Arsenal don’t win the title this year, they never, ever will again under Wenger and they need to pack their bags and give up the ghost now. Arsenal are the best team in the land this calendar year; they have a woeful record with injuries granted but a deeper squad that anybody else in the league and they aren’t reliant on just one or two people in the way that Manchester City are. Sanchez is their talisman, but Ozil and Santi are now running this team with increasing guile and class. They have a World Class keeper, finally, and the best right back in the division. They have a manager who has finally got his squad to play the sort of football that he craves. Not consistently no... but consistently enough for Arsenal to win this league. Chelsea are gone, finished, more in need of a rebuild than Pompeii. Liverpool are young and raw, United too pragmatic and coasting on the ghosts of past glories. No, the only credible challengers for the title are Manchester City. Who stumbled and stuttered past the leagues worst defence this weekend thanks to a late penalty. City are a decent team, but they are not a great one. And without Silva and Aguero up front they can look very ordinary when they don’t get going. Arsenal HAVE to win the title this year. For the good of football. For the good of sport. For the good of this country.

Okay not that last part.

Louizzzzzzzzzzz van gaal
I could sit here and dissect the philosophy of Louis Van Gaal. But I won’t, I’m better than that... and so instead, please see my list of ten everyday things that are currently MORE interesting than watching Manchester United try and play football.

1. That moment when you get to the post office just because you need proof of postage for an item you didn’t even mean to fucking order... and there are 85 people ahead of you.
2. Phoning up your insurance company to be greeted by 25 consecutive voice activated commands that cannot possibly pick up your accent.
3. Waiting for porn to load. On dial up. On an Amiga.
4. Listening to Katie Hopkins talk about fat people.
5. Being trapped in a room with Michael Owen as he talks you through EVERY goal he ever scored. And then recites the Bible.
6. Reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
7. Re-watching Lost. Twice.
8. Witnessing a 2 hour single frame marathon between Peter Ebdon and Alan McManus.
9. Enjoying the nuances of a chat between two people who are deciding whether to give up gluten or soya.
10. Being trapped in a bar on the last fucking day on earth with a bunch of people who don’t... fucking... drink.
    

Team of the Weak

Sunderlands defence.

Chelsea’s midfield.

Wayne Rooney.

What you may have missed
Philippe Coutinho scoring two goals when I benched him, Jack Butland being the man of the match when I benched him, Kolarov missing a penalty, West Brom imploding, Aaron Cresswell helping bundle the ball into his own net, Ross Barkley not getting on the scoresheet, or even an assist in a six goal drubbing, Alexis Sanchez taking the afternoon off, Saido Mane wandering around like a drunk, Ayoze Perez missing 28 chances, Diego Costa being a useless, dirty cunt and Anthony Martial being STUCK OUT ON THE LEFT FUCKING WING FOR NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER LOUIS!!!

But seriously, enough about my fantasy football team. Have a good week.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

What We Learnt From The Premier League

Klopp needs time, luck and a strike force who can stay fit.
The big talking point of the past fortnight hasn’t been Holland somehow not qualifying for the European Championships despite Northern Ireland, Iceland, Wales, Bristol Rovers and Jersey managing that feat. No, because only about 12 people still care about international football (Gareth Bale’s family basically) - most of the news was taken up with the appointment of Jurgen Klopp at Liverpool. If Liverpool are a sleeping giant, they’ve been in hibernation for some time. Klopp did a fine job at Dortmund, particularly in the middle of his spell when he took his team to the final of the Champions League, thrashing Real Madrid en route, in between back to back league titles. The squad he inherits at Liverpool is young, pacey and treading a thin line between highly promising and highly disappointing. There are a lot of players here who, with the right coaching and management, could challenge for major trophies in 2-3 years. Likewise, the whole squad could conceivably be transferred to Villa and Sunderland in the same timescales. Klopp needs time to make his mark at the club, but he also can’t afford to be losing the likes of Benteke, Sturridge, Henderson and Firmino to injury all at the same time. Liverpool have lacked cutting edge since Suarez left anyway, and if the German is too succeed, he needs to add goals to a team who have too often flattered to deceive in the final third.

Or you know, he could just buy Robert Lewandowski. In la la land.

Newcastle finally get their Win... naldum
It would be stating the obvious to say that Newcastle had started the season poorly, but the caveat to that was the time it would take a lot of new signings to gel, and a fixture list that literally gave them 6 of the hardest matches of the season in the first 8. Against a Norwich team who love conceding goals even more than they do scoring them, Newcastle cut loose in stylish fashion to record their first win of the season. Central to their success was a front four that buzzed with pace, creativity and power. Mitrovic and Ayoze is a young strike partnership that could frighten any team given time and patience. Behind them, Moussa Sissoko is perhaps the quintessential Newcastle United player. One week he’ll huff and puff and nothing will come off, the next he’ll be sent off for petulance, then an entire game will pass him by before finally, he’ll turn up once a month and look like the best player in the world. Sissoko created everything on Sunday, most of it converted by the imperious Wijnaldum. The Dutch international has now scored more goals from midfield than any player in world football over the past 12 months. Which does kind of beg the question, what exactly is he doing at Newcastle? With a fixture list that now turns kinder than any other side from now until Christmas, Newcastle suddenly have the confidence and the firepower to climb the table, maintain their status as a mid table club who claim to be a big one... and sell all their prized assets for a profit in the summer.

Everton mourn much more than a mere loss
There was nobody stepping up to criticize Everton when their heads visibly dropped after United scored this weekend. Hours before kick off the news had broke that Howard Kendall, arguably their greatest ever manager, had died. Such news only ever goes two ways with teams, serving as a motivational tool to galvanize them to great heights, or weigh hard on shoulders and hearts. It was the latter at play at Goodison and Everton players and fans all looked like they had bigger things on their minds as United cruised to a comfortable victory. Kendall had three spells at Everton and was certainly the man I associated with Everton growing up. He was hugely successful in his first spell, winning trophies both home and abroad with teams containing some of the greatest names ever associated with the club; Peter Reid, Trevor Steven, Andy Gray, Tony Cottee, Gary Lineker. If ever there was an example of a manager in love with a club though, it was demonstrated by Kendall’s extraordinary decision to return to the club when they were battling relegation. Extraordinary because at the time he was managing Manchester City, challenging at the top. He steadied the club and twice preserved their status as the longest serving club in the top flight. Kendall was a passionate manager and clearly a fine man. In an increasingly fickle sport, it was saddening to lose such a genuinely loyal and respected figure.

Watford need goals. From anywhere.
The lowest scorers in the Premier League battled well for an hour against Arsenal before falling to defeat in a ruthless ten minute spell. Nobody is expecting Watford to compete with Arsenal upfront, but given they signed 372 players in the summer, it’s probably fair to suggest that someone other than Odion Ighalo should be scoring by now. The Nigerian has scored five of his teams six goals, and the other was scored by Layun in the 13th minute of the opening game. That means, that aside from Ighalo, nobody at Watford football club has now scored in 800 minutes. That, quite frankly, is a joke. Flores needs to get his team firing and fast. Deeney is a loyal work horse but looks to lack the finesse to flourish at this level. Behind them though, the midfield need to start creating chances for their strikers to finish. And be reminded that, at any stage, they are actually allowed to shoot.

Jamie Vardy

I mean, I don’t want to say I called it. But this is getting embarrassing now. The least Man United could do is get Woodward to table a £50m speculative bid just for a laugh. Most underrated player in England? I’m upgrading that to Europe. Hail Foxes.

Team of the Weak

Guzan – the once safe pair of hands is now costing villa goals every week. None more so than against a continuously lethargic Chelsea, when he opted to gift them a goal having already seen one slip past him due to a hideous error from Lescott. Sherwood could do a lot worse than taking both players out of the firing line at once.

Lescott – see above. When you’re the weak link in a defence that includes Micah Richards and Alan Hutton, you’re in trouble.

Whittaker & Olson – the two full backs for Norwich were absolutely torn apart by Sissoko (4 assists) and Wijnaldum (4 goals). Norwich have no problems scoring goals, but they have to start learning how to shut the door behind them if they’re not going back to the fiery chasm from whence they came.

Distin – If there’s one thing Raheem Sterling can do, it’s run. And if there’s one thing 58 year old Sylvain Distin can’t do… well, you get the idea.

Barry – was tasked to protect his defence and keep Ander Herrera quiet. Failed.

Larsson – here is a simple tip to any new Sunderland manager. Please. Please stop picking Larsson. Ever.

Lamela – Another one of those frustrating performances by the youngster, who continues to flatter to deceive in almost every other match.

Hazard – Only played for seven minutes after being placed in the naughty corner by Jose Mourinho for not defending enough. But still, he’s in here because it’s very funny to see the creative player of the year not get to start, at home against arguably the worst team in the league because he won’t defend enough. Come on Jose, lighten up and take the hand brake off for fucks sake. A goal difference of minus three after 9 games isn’t just because of the defence.

Origi – It honestly looked like Liverpool had stuck the lad on work experience up top.

Fletcher – Sunderland is the place where strikers go to die. And so after paying £12.5m for the man who had plundered 33 goals in three seasons, the Black Cats have watched Fletcher stumble to 10 in the same time period. His average for Sunderland is now a goal every 350 minutes. And he’s spent most of the extra time injured.

What you may have missed
Harry Kane looking longingly into the eyes of the back of the net and remembering wistfully when he used to put a ball in it; Diego Costa being absolutely amazing by NOT getting sent off and scoring a tap in from five yards; Alan Pardew basically just gently pleading with the referee to have not sent off his player even though... he was completely correct to send off his player; Wayne Rooney scoring a goal away from home; against Everton; Raheem Sterling scoring a hat trick; despite really having should have scored eight; Leicester coming from behind yet again; West Brom eeking out another 1-0 win as their fans slowly, but surely all turn to rugby and Swansea and Stoke all showing 6 year olds everywhere, how not to pass a fucking football.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey