Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirty Four

Ryan (4.4 BHA) – Matt Ryan has kept just 5 clean sheets all season, rarely gets save points and has stopped a total of zero penalties. Brighton looked best when we went to the Asia Cup. He could hardly be held fully accountable for what was Brighton’s worst ever performance in the top flight. But he still did fuck all to prevent it. At this point he’s like someone who doesn’t vote, but still complains when the party he hates get in.

Duffy & Dunk (4.4 & 4.8 BHA) – Duffed up and out for the count… Brighton were kicked the shit out of by the league’s least in form team. More people should probably have seen this coming. After all, we were all queuing up to say Bournemouth were already on the beach… so why wouldn’t they prosper at a ground just a mile away from it. As it was, one of the darkest days in FPL history saw Calum Wilson and Ryan Fraser run absolute riot as Duffy & Dunk played as if they’d just necked 10 pints before stepping on the pitch. All eyes now turn to Tuesday’s pivotal match up with luckless Cardiff. The good news for Brighton is they won’t have Anthony Knockaert for it. A player with less football intelligence than the scruffy little shit of a dog who barks at Richard Hawley most mornings.

Zouma (5.0 EVE) – Allegedly a defender. Zouma helped Everton surrender their recent unbeaten run to a side already relegated. Which was so very Everton it almost doesn’t need commenting on beyond that.

Azpilicueta (6.4 CHE) – Frequently touted as one of the most under-rated players in the league, Azpilicueta has certainly had his fair share of off days this season. He was abject here, completing just 68% of his passes and pinned back by the excellent and rampant Liverpool front three. He never stopped, and unlike some of this team mates he remains a credit to the shirt… but this match highlighted that once the mercurial Hazard leaves Chelsea this summer… this is a side in no shape whatsoever to compete for a title.

Bacuna (4.2 HUD) – Juninho Bacuna has started 12 matches this season and lost every one with a net score of 8-29. For a defensive midfielder those sort of numbers are like writing your entire GCSE French exam in English. Get out of the Premier League.

Tielemans (6.1 LEI) – Unlike Bacuna, Tielemans has shone since coming to the Premier League. A superb player with an excellent range of passing, he was stifled here by the tactical nous of “Rafa on the Road.” He created just a single chance, had one half-hearted shot from distance and did little but buzz around the final third unable to find a way through. Indeed, by the final whistle he was left to look like a pool player trying to pot a ball with the pockets filled in. 

Willian (7.1 CHE) – Willian plays in the same position for Chelsea as Salah does for Liverpool. Unlike Salah… he does not give a shit about his football club. Willian has 9 goals and 15 assists in 2 seasons for Chelsea. Salah has 51 and 22. Be more like Salah… don’t be like Willian. Because Willian is not good enough to play for Chelsea anymore.

Camarasa (4.5 CAR) – Another great idea on my FPL wildcard. Camarasa for Fraser. That will end well. Absolute fucking piss take. And Cardiff should have had a penalty. In fact they did… only it then wasn’t given. Despite their being no VAR? So in the space of two weeks they have been robbed of two pens and two goals (against). I mean look, there isn’t a man alive who wants to see Cardiff stay up at the expense of some of the teams above them. 

But after that Brighton shit show and this fucking farce… I’m coming round to the idea.

Jimenez (6.9 WOL) – One of the players of the season, Jimenez was about as useful as a boomerang on an aeroplane against a resurgent Southampton. What a job Rabbit Hutch has done since taking over from the guttural Mark Hughes. Taking the insane step of being a likeable human being first, he has revitalised Saints with an attractive style of football and this weekend somehow managed to make Nathan “3% shot conversion” Redmond score twice in a single match. Jimenez didn’t even have two shots full stop.

Wolves, who are to be renamed “useless fucking puppies” when playing teams in the bottom quartile of the league, were no match for a side who were better organised and with far more of an incentive to spur them on. Their top flight status all but preserved for another year – it will be interesting to see how far Hutch can take this young and vibrant side during a full season at the helm.

Lukaku (10.8 MUN) – 3 touches in the box at home to one of the worst defensive teams in the league. One attempt, off target. One header won from five contested. No successful dribbles. No successful crosses.

He’s back baby. He’s fucking back.

HM