Kepa (5.5 CHE) –
The first of a staggering four Chelsea players in this week’s cornucopia of
excrement. Kepa is probably the unluckiest to be here – after all he did manage
to keep the score to a vaguely respectable level. Sadly he also decided to just
let Harry Kane score from 25 yards and generally command his defence with the
ability of a deaf conductor.
Masuaku (4.4 WHU)
– The hapless Congolese defender was hauled off at half time against City… who
continue this season to ruin the careers of many they come up against. Sterling
& Sane were in sensational form, a blur of pace and movement which most
footballers can’t handle – let alone Masuaku, who I’m not sure could handle a
luke warm potato.
Luiz (5.6 CHE) –
This was one of those straight out of the gutter displays from David Luiz – who
has been in good form this season but resembled a man with little idea what
sport he was actually playing in the tea-time kick off this Saturday. Spurs
gave their best performance of the season – in what in no way coincided with
actually putting their four best attackers together on the pitch again. Luiz
was pathetic throughout, exposed both positionally and by letting players ghost
past him like he was invisible. He will play better than this again. If only
because I’m not sure it’s possible to play worse and not play for Southampton.
Hoedt (4.4 SOU) –
Ah – here we go. Saints. A team now so brittle mentally they don’t just
collapse after going behind… or even by drawing… but by merely the thought of conceding an equaliser. It would
be tempted to say that all of the Saints centre backs need to be removed from
the firing line and given some life counselling… but none of that would address
the real problem… which is that Mark Hughes is somehow still employed by a
football club. The Welshman feels like Theresa May right now… calmly sticking
to the script whilst everything collapses around her.
“I don’t think there is a huge amount wrong with how we are
going about our business” – said a curiously upbeat Hughes post-match.
Apart from everything Mark. Literally… everything.
Boly (4.6 WOL) – A
poor collective display from Wolves was summed up by the sight of Willy Bolly
just wandering around the pitch without a care in the world and making Philip
Billing look like Patrick Viera. Truly awful.
Kovacic (5.8 CHE)
– The worst player on the pitch on Saturday, which given the competition
amongst his teammates is a bit like saying you’re the most incompetent Tory MP.
Kovacic was everywhere against Spurs – the problem was he was playing
absolutely bollocks. Whether mistiming tackles, hitting hopeless balls over the
top, inexplicably playing it to Morata and hoping for it back… or, in the end,
just letting Son run past him because he mistakenly thought David Luiz might
try and tackle him. The only way he could have played worse would have been if
I’d named him in my Fantasy Football team.
Cavaleiro (5.2 WOL)
– 72% passing success, 1 cross, no chances created, no successful dribbles, no
touches in the box, lost the ball more than any player in the first half, didn’t
come out for the second. Pathetic.
Lingard (6.7 MUN)
– Years from now, scholars will look back and ask how did someone become such a
pivotal player for our national team, as a forward, whilst averaging a goal involvement
every four hours for Manchester
United. They won’t be able to answer it. Because there is no answer. Lingard –
the attacking midfielder who doesn’t create and rarely scores. I mean he has 10
career
assists in the Premier League. Alonso has 7 in 12 games at left back…
Maddison (6.8 LEI)
– You absolute fucking wanker.
Lukaku (10.7 MUN)
– What is going on with Lukaku? I mean, we know what’s going in Lukaku… given he appears to be twice
the size compared to last season. He can’t run, he can’t shoot, and he can’t
pass (55% on Saturday? Wtf?)
He appears to have given up the ghost and is just on a
sponsored eat until Jose is finally sacked. 4 goals in almost 900 minutes this
season is worse than… well, it’s worse than Morata.
Fuck me.
Morata (8.7 CHE) –
Okay this has to end now. I can’t write about this guy anymore. It’s starting
to hurt. Watching him is torture. He is as useless as a knitted condom.
Morata is killing Chelsea and killing Hazard… who is on the
brink of leaving and certainly will if he has to play with this donkey anymore.
Morata is the worst centre forward I’ve ever seen get so many chances at a big
club… let alone the fucking national team? How is he still playing for Spain
for fucks sake?
Whose kids does this guy have? How is this being allowed to
happen?
Please… make the pain go away. Stop picking him. Sell him…
to anyone. Fucking pay someone to
take him off your hands. In fact fuck that, pay him to retire. I can’t go on like this… it’s no fun. It’s not
funny anymore, it’s just horrible.
Make. It. Stop.
HM
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