Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Nine

Patricio (WOL 4.6) – Wolves have been in scintillating form recently; and off the back of conceding just one goal in their last five matches, promptly conceded double that in a few minutes to Watford. Patricio was unmoved for the first goal and beaten at the near post for the second. He’s had better days at the office.

Ream (FUL 4.3) – Halloween came early for Fulham who have now conceded 278 goals in the last few matches. Tim Ream was absolutely appalling against Cardiff. Like… words almost fail me appalling. If David Luiz once looked like he belonged on a PlayStation, Ream looked like he was on Kick Off 2 when the Amiga was the best games console on the planet. With only the slide button working. Being controlled by a 3 year old.

Cardiff had scored 4 all season before this weekend, and doubled that against a side who don’t even know how to look up defending in the fucking dictionary let alone transfer it to a football pitch.

Smalling (MUN 5.8) – A defender who is better at finishing than he is at tackling – this was another hapless display by Smalling. He’s playing as if he’s been paid to prove that Mourinho was right to beg the board for a new centre back. The days of him and Jones being the centre back pairing for United and England have now eroded faster than the ozone layer.

Taylor (BUR 4.4) – Playing to make up for the penalty miss, this was a vintage display by Mahrez, his first of this ilk in a City shirt. Taylor could do little by the end but shake his hand and accept that he was torn apart by a better player. By the time the gloss was being applied to a dominant City performance, you just wanted to see him put out of his misery. The guy probably has a family for heaven’s sake. 

Van Aanholt (CRY 5.5) – It’s just not really happening for Palace or their once flying full back Van Aanholt – who seems to be “doing bits” more on social media than the actual pitch. Pinned back by Everton, the Dutchman only got into the final third three times all match – attempting no shots, no crosses, no through balls… nothing. His opposite number by comparison, Lucas Digne, put over 13 crosses and created three clear chances for the wasteful Everton front line to spurn. Palace are struggling and their plan of give it to Zaha… and hope… needs a serious rethink.

Richarlison (EVE 6.8) – There are many words that could sum up the performance of Richarlison as Everton’s “false” 9 on Sunday. One will probably do though. Wank.

It may work away from home on the counter, but in front of their own fans it’s safe to say that Silva should have a serious rethink before trying it again. The Brazilian is a natural winger and had simply no idea what to do with himself 30-40 yards out from goal in a central position. Lose the ball was the usual answer to this question. I don’t think I saw him run with his head up the entire match. The kid may have all the ability in the world, but yesterday he played with the football brain of that brat with the annoying dad who thinks he’s better than everyone else in an under 7’s match

Kenedy (NEW 4.9) & Ritchie (NEW 5.9) – Newcastle still haven’t won a game this season; and they didn’t particularly look like doing so against a Brighton team managed by the guy they once foolishly binned off to spunk a 50 year contract on Alan fucking Pardew. Kenedy was terrible on Saturday but Ritchie, the supposed chief creator of this ailing side, even worse. Ritchie has mustered just 6 attempts all season before the weekend, but somehow managed to fire off 6 in one match alone against Brighton. Sadly… they were all bollocks. He was about as threatening as Nigel Farage at a Gammon convention. You may look like you know what you’re doing… but you don’t… do you lads.

Sturridge (LIV 5.8) – Terrible. Truly terrible. Could have played for 1000 minutes and not scored in this match. And so greedy? The decision making of the Liverpool front three at times in this match beggared belief. They had men over time after time again. Still… play shit and win… it’s the key to winning a title apparently.

Unless, you know… the other team is Man City. In which case play shit, win… and come second.

Lukaku (MUN 10.9) – Few players look as bad as Lukaku when he’s off his game. Except maybe Morata who was even worse at the other end. At least Lukaku can hold the ball up, if by some miracle he manages to control it first. Chelsea v Man Utd was an entertaining, lively game with two abject performances from the centre forwards. The strange thing about Lukaku (unlike Morata) is that he has a game every 4 or 5 that convinces you he might actually be great after all. This certainly wasn’t it – at one point in the second half United counter attacked and Martial, Rashford and Pogba all ran past him like he was in the last 100 yards of a marathon. If United are going to continue to play attacking football as Jose adopts his “nothing to lose” policy – they need a lot more from their number 9 than this.

Jimenez (WOL 5.7) – The sort of performance that the word “jaded” was invented for. Coming off after 59 minutes the final, poetic fuck you to FPL managers everywhere.

You bastard.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Eight

Bettinelli (FUL 4.4) – Fulham have conceded 21 goals in 8 matches and their goal keeper has made 19 saves. Both those statistics show that they’re probably a little lacking in both areas (Hart and Fabianski, for comparison, have made 36). The Fulham’s stopper England call up this week seems like a troll to Joe Hart rather than a serious assessment of his ability. One world class save is, after all, meaningless… if you concede four goals in 15 minutes straight after.

Sessegnon (FUL 6.1) – The most overpriced FPL player in the history of the Alexis Sanchez sponsored overpriced FPL players, Ryan Sessegnon is a prodigious and youthful talent, but he looks lost as to his role in this Fulham team. He is clearly more of a threat going forward yet continues to find himself in a more defensive role. His only notable achievement this weekend being the private, intoxicating battle between himself and Henrikh Mkhitaryan about who could be the game’s most anonymous player.

Hoedt (SOU 4.4) – It’s been a rubbish few weeks for Wesley Hoedt, who keeps undermining generally good defensive work with individual errors and a general sense of… well… meh. Indeed that description could be extrapolated to most of the Southampton team. Under Mark Hughes they seem to be drifting aimlessly on a light breeze of mediocrity without any ambition to be entertainingly bad like Newcastle or Fulham… or just bad like Huddersfield or Cardiff. They are the most likely to finish 17^th team I think I’ve ever witnessed.

Holebas (WAT 4.9) – Watford were truly terrible on Saturday and the league’s Jekyll & Hyde team Bournemouth duly took advantage. Holebas is a real feast or famine of a player. The Greek full back only seems to have two gears – one where he’s rampaging down the wing whipping in deadly balls and the other where he’s exposed for the sham of a defender he is. In either version he gets booked.

Amartey (LEI 4.5) – I’m not really sure what type of player Amartey is. Is he a defender? Or a defensive midfielder? Either way, he can’t cross. Like, at all. So I have no idea why he’s playing at full back. Any ideas? I’m taking calls on this subject…

Jota (WOL 6.1) – Wolves are riding high – they are proving as adept at using the 3-4-3 system as Chelsea did when Conte first came to town. Nuno Santo can’t possibly match the Italian in the hair stakes (I mean seriously… what a barnet that man had) but he is matching him on the pitch considering his more limited resource. However, whereas Wolves looks great centrally, it’s unclear at this stage how the largely useless Diego Jota has managed to start all 8 games this season. Jota has no goals so far and his only “assist” came in week one where he fell over the ball and was given a free kick that Neves lashed in. He looks bereft of confidence in front of goal and seeing him on the ball in the final third raises less of a heartbeat than the sight of Alex Iwobi clean through on goal. 

Jota has created just 8 chances in 626 minutes of football so far – the same number as his often replacement, Adama Traore has created in 171. Come on Nuno – loyalty is all very good and all… but can someone just pass the ball to Jimenez more often as he needs at least five chances to score each game.

Salah (LIV 12.8) – It’s not quite fair to point the finger solely at Salah – Liverpool’s front 3 have scored just a goal each in the last five games – and despite being top of the table, it’s hard to see why Klopp hasn’t freshened up his attack more often given the form of Sturridge and Shaqiri every time he has given them the chance. Salah is doing the hard work right – he looks fit, fresh and is making the same runs he did last year. He just… well… seems to have forgotten how to finish. Which is marginally better than Mane who has forgotten how to run with the ball… and Firmino who has forgotten how to get in the box. Almost as if he’s now unsuccessfully playing himself in a movie version of how to be a False 9. Pool can be very happy with their lot so far. They sit unbeaten and top of the table and by rights should have lost to City on Sunday. Defensively they are miles better than last season and you wonder if it’s just a matter of time before their front 3 click again and hammer someone. Huddersfield and Cardiff are up next and Klopp’s decision is whether to stick with them and hope for a confidence booster… or use those games to give the backups a chance to shine.

Mahrez (MCI 8.6) – Mahrez isn’t a very good penalty taker – although in fairness nor is Gabriel Jesus who was also trying to take it. Pep took ownership of the situation after the match (good from him) but you have to wonder given the magnitude of the game at 0-0 why a senior figure like David Silva didn’t step up and lash it in. As it was, Mahrez spot kick touched down just about the same time the match finished and the game ended in a draw… which all keeps it nice and interesting until things kick off again and everyone forgets that Chelsea don’t seem to have gone away yet.

Rashford (MUN 6.7) – Confidence is key in football, and few people look as short of it right now as Marcus Rashford. It’s always telling when somebody goes away on international duty and looks more relaxed doing so. United were excrement in the first half, but certain players looked unable to step up and put their emotions to one side and it was telling that once Rashford was withdrawn, United rallied to win 3-2 and put one of their more entertaining weekends to bed for a while. 

Ayew (CRY 5.9) – Anybody who makes a team look like they miss Christian Benteke deserves to be put in that door to Tibet that they banish you too in Monsters Inc. Absolutely useless. 

Ings (SOU 5.7) – In contrast to Rashford’s deer in headlights performance, or Ayew’s smorgasbord of ineptness, the final place in this week’s team is reserved for Daniel William John Ings – the only professional footballer that Winchester have ever produced. 

Ings was horrific this weekend. One of those real performances when you get a highlights reel on YouTube up an hour after the match. Ings missed three clear, whites of the eyes chances – one of which was effectively an open goal from four yards – and to top it off should probably have been sent off. I mean, he still looked better than Shane Long and Manolo Gabbiadini, who was apparently on the pitch for 77 minutes without anybody noticing – but still. Southampton have to score more goals if… well… I don’t know really. Like I said, they’re going to finish 17^th. But maybe if they can get some sort of old school throwback Austin & Ings partnership working they might come… 16^th. And you know, actually be entertaining in more than a sweepstake on which midfielder will get booked for a lunge first kind of way.

Okay I’m done.

#hughesout

Happy Hunting.

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Six

Begovic (BOU 4.5) – 4 goals conceded from 5 shots is never the sort of stat a keeper wants to crow about, and whilst Begovic wasn’t at fault, he never looks like the sort of stopper who will keep you in a game that’s running away from you. If Bournemouth are going to take that step up from a mid-table side to one challenging for Europe, they could do with a keeper who is the man of the match a handful of times a season. Burnley currently have 3 of them.

Kenny (EVE 4.3) – The Everton full back is young and will improve, but he was badly caught out for both of Arsenal’s goals where his positioning was all over the place. In fairness to him, being coached in the art of defending by Marco Silva must feel like tipping up at soccer summer school and discovering that Shane Long is the finishing expert.

Hoedt (SOU 4.5) – Saints were soundly beaten inside the first 45 minutes at Anfield, not helped by the comical opener that went in off the luckless Hoedt (following a deflection from his own player). The Dutch centre back never looked comfortable after that, completing just 75% of passes in his own half. In fairness to him, you feel any defender who plays against Pool right now is on a one way ticket to this ignominious end. Just tackle them guys. It’s not that hard. Surely…

Schindler (HUD 4.4) – This week’s obligatory Huddersfield entrant. I’ll roll the dice again next week. 14 goals conceded. 3 scored. You’re going down boys.

Chambers (FUL 4.4) – Arsenal paid a heavy fee for Calum Chambers back in the day. The day when Saints produced players who other clubs wanted to buy. I mean, this is a club who’s best fantasy football asset is currently Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg. 

Swapping Arsenal for Fulham means that Chambers is certainly getting a lot of practice at defending. The problem is, he’s not really very good at it. The Fulham manager, Slavisa Jokanovic openly admitted this weekend that his team have little interest in anything but all-out attack. All of which continues to leave Chambers and the other Fulham defenders riding a rollercoaster naked.

Romeu (SOU 4.4) – Southampton have really come in the firing line this week (apologies @lucyhighnett – I’m just doing my job). Many thought they might revert to a 5-3-2 formation against Pool, but instead they played with a flat back four and put three defensively minded players in the middle. None of which mattered when you don’t have the ball and can’t tackle. Romeu was booked early and essentially useless after that. On this showing, it’s easy to see why he’s not playing week in, week out at present. And where is Stephen Davis – surely this side need some leadership. The guy has played 1 minute of football so far? One??

#hughesout

Ozil (ARS 8.3) – Even by the standards of his own wasted talent, Ozil has been bollocks this year. Goals in the Europa league can’t paper over his current lack of creativity in the league.  This is one of the great Premier League assisters of all time. A player who has historically created a chance every 25 minutes. That figure stands at one every 55 minutes this season. He is the highest paid player at the club and the supposed talisman. Arsenal got lucky on Sunday, grateful for some hideous Everton finishing and a terrible offside call. Ozil has to stand up and start dictating how this team plays football. If not, what use is he? 

Lingard (MUN 6.8) – Bright, lively, busy – these are the sort of words that are often applied to Jesse Lingard. All of which are more polite ways of saying that he often has fuck all end product. So far this season Lingard has been tackled 50% of the time he’s had the ball. Try and let that sink in for a moment. I’ve got better stats then that after 20 years of hogging the ball at 6-a-side. He has a 20% shooting accuracy and is currently creating a single chance a match. He is a walking, talking, dancing example of why Manchester United are currently shit. Just about the only positive you could say about him on Saturday was he was “better than Alexis Sanchez.” But frankly, if that’s the bench mark, you may as well take up golf.

Eriksen (TOT 9.3) – Much as it loathes me to quote @f1shford – Eriksen has indeed become an irrelevance in this season’s Premier League. Once the central hub of a high press, high tempo Spurs team – Eriksen is playing out of position, ineffective, uninvolved and has now had set pieces taken off him by plucky young upstart Kieran Trippier (actually 2 years older than the Dane). Poch could do worse than restoring him to the number 10 role where he dictates things for his country, leaning back, and watching his best player purr.

Yarmolenko (WHU 6.8) – The Ukrainian is in here for one reason and one reason only. That miss.

https://twitter.com/WHUFCFZ/status/1043981579511631873

Just watch it again and try and comprehend how he hasn’t got this on target. Most comical misses are normally those sort of rolled across the goal ones that strikers spoon over. They’re often laughable, but in reality they aren’t as easy as they look. Often played at pace, on pitches that could bobble. Yes they’re still bad misses. But this. The ball is played across almost in slow motion. He can watch the ball the entire way, unmarked, in acres of space. He has an 8 yard long target to aim at from only 6 yards out. It was awful. It IS awful. He should be fined two weeks wages and be sent out on community service for a month.

Wilson (BOU 6.3) – Calum Wilson has only scored one Premier League goal in the North of England. In front of the watching England manager he had 15 touches, made 8 passes and had 2 touches in the box all match. He had no shots. People talking about him getting into the England squad need to get real. Wilson isn’t at, and is unlikely to ever reach those levels. His fellow countryman, Josh King, was much livelier in defeat. The Berkshire forward remains one to keep an eye on to see if he can force his way into Southgate’s plans ready for Euro 2020.

Happy Hunting

HM