Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Six

Begovic (BOU 4.5) – 4 goals conceded from 5 shots is never the sort of stat a keeper wants to crow about, and whilst Begovic wasn’t at fault, he never looks like the sort of stopper who will keep you in a game that’s running away from you. If Bournemouth are going to take that step up from a mid-table side to one challenging for Europe, they could do with a keeper who is the man of the match a handful of times a season. Burnley currently have 3 of them.

Kenny (EVE 4.3) – The Everton full back is young and will improve, but he was badly caught out for both of Arsenal’s goals where his positioning was all over the place. In fairness to him, being coached in the art of defending by Marco Silva must feel like tipping up at soccer summer school and discovering that Shane Long is the finishing expert.

Hoedt (SOU 4.5) – Saints were soundly beaten inside the first 45 minutes at Anfield, not helped by the comical opener that went in off the luckless Hoedt (following a deflection from his own player). The Dutch centre back never looked comfortable after that, completing just 75% of passes in his own half. In fairness to him, you feel any defender who plays against Pool right now is on a one way ticket to this ignominious end. Just tackle them guys. It’s not that hard. Surely…

Schindler (HUD 4.4) – This week’s obligatory Huddersfield entrant. I’ll roll the dice again next week. 14 goals conceded. 3 scored. You’re going down boys.

Chambers (FUL 4.4) – Arsenal paid a heavy fee for Calum Chambers back in the day. The day when Saints produced players who other clubs wanted to buy. I mean, this is a club who’s best fantasy football asset is currently Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg. 

Swapping Arsenal for Fulham means that Chambers is certainly getting a lot of practice at defending. The problem is, he’s not really very good at it. The Fulham manager, Slavisa Jokanovic openly admitted this weekend that his team have little interest in anything but all-out attack. All of which continues to leave Chambers and the other Fulham defenders riding a rollercoaster naked.

Romeu (SOU 4.4) – Southampton have really come in the firing line this week (apologies @lucyhighnett – I’m just doing my job). Many thought they might revert to a 5-3-2 formation against Pool, but instead they played with a flat back four and put three defensively minded players in the middle. None of which mattered when you don’t have the ball and can’t tackle. Romeu was booked early and essentially useless after that. On this showing, it’s easy to see why he’s not playing week in, week out at present. And where is Stephen Davis – surely this side need some leadership. The guy has played 1 minute of football so far? One??

#hughesout

Ozil (ARS 8.3) – Even by the standards of his own wasted talent, Ozil has been bollocks this year. Goals in the Europa league can’t paper over his current lack of creativity in the league.  This is one of the great Premier League assisters of all time. A player who has historically created a chance every 25 minutes. That figure stands at one every 55 minutes this season. He is the highest paid player at the club and the supposed talisman. Arsenal got lucky on Sunday, grateful for some hideous Everton finishing and a terrible offside call. Ozil has to stand up and start dictating how this team plays football. If not, what use is he? 

Lingard (MUN 6.8) – Bright, lively, busy – these are the sort of words that are often applied to Jesse Lingard. All of which are more polite ways of saying that he often has fuck all end product. So far this season Lingard has been tackled 50% of the time he’s had the ball. Try and let that sink in for a moment. I’ve got better stats then that after 20 years of hogging the ball at 6-a-side. He has a 20% shooting accuracy and is currently creating a single chance a match. He is a walking, talking, dancing example of why Manchester United are currently shit. Just about the only positive you could say about him on Saturday was he was “better than Alexis Sanchez.” But frankly, if that’s the bench mark, you may as well take up golf.

Eriksen (TOT 9.3) – Much as it loathes me to quote @f1shford – Eriksen has indeed become an irrelevance in this season’s Premier League. Once the central hub of a high press, high tempo Spurs team – Eriksen is playing out of position, ineffective, uninvolved and has now had set pieces taken off him by plucky young upstart Kieran Trippier (actually 2 years older than the Dane). Poch could do worse than restoring him to the number 10 role where he dictates things for his country, leaning back, and watching his best player purr.

Yarmolenko (WHU 6.8) – The Ukrainian is in here for one reason and one reason only. That miss.

https://twitter.com/WHUFCFZ/status/1043981579511631873

Just watch it again and try and comprehend how he hasn’t got this on target. Most comical misses are normally those sort of rolled across the goal ones that strikers spoon over. They’re often laughable, but in reality they aren’t as easy as they look. Often played at pace, on pitches that could bobble. Yes they’re still bad misses. But this. The ball is played across almost in slow motion. He can watch the ball the entire way, unmarked, in acres of space. He has an 8 yard long target to aim at from only 6 yards out. It was awful. It IS awful. He should be fined two weeks wages and be sent out on community service for a month.

Wilson (BOU 6.3) – Calum Wilson has only scored one Premier League goal in the North of England. In front of the watching England manager he had 15 touches, made 8 passes and had 2 touches in the box all match. He had no shots. People talking about him getting into the England squad need to get real. Wilson isn’t at, and is unlikely to ever reach those levels. His fellow countryman, Josh King, was much livelier in defeat. The Berkshire forward remains one to keep an eye on to see if he can force his way into Southgate’s plans ready for Euro 2020.

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Five

Schmeichel (5.0 LEI) – Leicester look shambolic in defence and nifty in attack. The complete opposite of what was expected when Claude Puel took over. Kasper Schmeichel wasn’t obstinately bad against Bournemouth, but he certainly wasn’t great – and his understanding with his two centre backs looks questionable.

Zouma (5.0 EVE) – A strange purchase for any club looking to improve at the back. Kurt Zouma was caught out by the movement of West Ham on the counter and never looked an authoritative presence. Which, given he was complete shit for Stoke should really come as no surprise to anyone. Everton could really do with getting Mina fit and finding a combination of midfielders who are able to both shield the defence and set up attacks at the same time.

Maguire & Morgan (5.5 LEI, 4.5 LEI) – Slabhead and the Captain are fine professionals. “Proper” centre backs as Souness would call them. But they’re also about as mobile as an articulated lorry. They were torn apart by the pace of the Bournemouth attack (words I never thought I would write this season #391) time and time again. Morgan surely needs to now be eased out of the side. A loyal servant who has had his day. Maguire will improve with a better partner, but this was a reminder that he is far from the finished article. Or to put it less politely, the most overrated centre back in the history of the game.

Vertonghen (6.0 TOT) – Liverpool are much better than Spurs. This felt like a meeting between two sides going in different directions. One gunning for the title and the other in a battle to finish in the top four. One spent about a billion quid* in the summer (credit to Jose Mourinho) – the other spent zero. The Spurs captain epitomised the gulf in class more than anyone – he did little wrong, he just wasn’t good enough to deal with Firmino, Mane and Salah for 90 minutes. Few will be.

Manga (4.5 CAR) – The Cardiff full back was given what can politely be described as a “lesson” by Eden Hazard on Saturday. Even taking that into account though, he played the full 90 minutes and completed preciously zero successful tackles, interceptions and aerial duels. Zero? In an entire match where you’re under the cosh. That’s rubbish mate. And your passing completion of 60%? Bobbins as well. Shape up. Get Peltier in this side Warnock. Be a lad now.

Cork (4.9 BUR) – Jack Cork is the sort of player that fans say is the “unsung hero” of the team. The guy who does the dirty stuff well. Maybe, but right now Cork is looking just plain dirty. He is the lowest ranked non defender in the league for combined attack/assist XG and mostly just seems to be fouling people. He looks rubbish. He is rubbish. Burnley are rubbish. Joe Hart can’t buy a decent club these days…

Mooy (5.3 HUD) – Mooy played well for Huddersfield last season. His dead ball delivery, passing accuracy and odd long range screamer were key to keeping them in the division. This season he is playing alongside Philip Billing and making him look like Xavi by comparison. The entire Huddersfield side aren’t creating enough, but Mooy needs to step up the whole team and dictate the tempo. The Terriers have 2 points from 5 games and it’s hard to see a win on the horizon.

Sanchez (10.2 MUN) – There will come a point when Sanchez could well be considered the worst Manchester United signing of his generation. That is the path he is currently dangerously close to treading. He is flat out the worst retainer of possession in the league, a stat that used to be okay when he was all action, all energy and would create enough chances that he’d eventually smash one in. Right now he is none of that, he is playing as an inside left, bound by a straitjacket and rarely finds enough space to break into a run. He has stalled the careers of both Rashford and Martial, two players who are younger, more dynamic and worth far more to the club long term than him. He starts every game and is doing absolutely nothing to justify that level of loyalty. He is a player that symbolises everything that is wrong with the club since Ed Woodward took over control. He has to stand up. He has to deliver. We are approaching the winter of his discontent. And it’s the winners who get to write in the history books.

Tosun (7.0 EVE) – Tosun is yet to score this season, and it’s easy to see why judging by his performance against West Ham. He has the first touch of Edward Scissorhands, and when he does get chances, he takes them with the confidence of a deer faced with an oncoming truck. The striker has missed 11 chances so far this season and despite being heavily involved (he has had more touches in the final third than Mitrovic, but half as many shots) he just doesn’t look at the races. Everton have had the easiest start imaginable and have only won once. You fear for them as soon as those fixtures stiffen. 

Kane (12.5 TOT) – Whether it’s the knee injury, or whether he truly does just need a break – Harry Kane is bang out of form and presents a major problem for Spurs. It’s not the missing chances, his whole game seems to be off. Like a pre-season Wayne Rooney, or a just joined Chelsea Andriy Shevchenko. Kane is currently averaging a shot around every 40 minutes with 33% accuracy. That is Tosun level. Last season his average was one every 16 minutes at 41% accuracy.  He is not getting his shots off with anything like the rate he used to, he is not finding pockets of space, he is not smashing them in from anywhere, let alone outside the box. He looks completely and utterly jaded. 

Far from mocking him, as an England fan who has watched him in full flow for 3 seasons, this is deeply concerning.

Let us pray.

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Four

Cech (5.0 ARS) – Last season Cech was statistically the worst keeper in the Premier League. So far he has showed no interest in losing his mantle. 8 goals conceded, 2 of which have been the result of direct errors – but the really strange thing is that Cech, at the age of 36, is being asked to change his game by Emery by passing the ball straight out from the back. What’s even stranger, is that Emery bought a new keeper in Leno, who can do exactly that. What’s stranger still… is that Cech is so clearly uncomfortable with it… and palpably bad at it… but that… well… it’s still going on. Arsenal may have won 3-2 but they let Cardiff score twice. Which is twice more than they’ve scored in the previous three league games this season. Cech was so poor he’s kept Alisson out of this team. Who after just 4 games with his new team felt compelled to… well… be a goalkeeper for Liverpool.

Le Marchand (4.5 FUL) – It’s hard to see why Fulham thought Le Marchand was the answer to their full back problems. The Frenchman was an average performer last season for a Nice side that came 8^th in the table, and had the 10^th worst defensive record. Thus far this campaign, he has helped ship 9 goals, won just 58% of his headers and 68% of his tackles. For an attacking side, he is about as useless going forward as you can get – having yet to create a clear chance and put in two crosses in 360 minutes of football. And he’s keeping Sessegnon out of the side? Go figure.

Wan Bissaka (4.1 CRY) – After starting the season like the most exciting full back since… er… all the others out there at the moment… things have gone from bad to worse for young Obi-Wan. Sent off two games ago, he made three clear errors in the match, the most costly of which resulted in a Saints penalty. Insert your own Star Wars joke here.

Coleman (5.4 EVE) – Everton can’t defend. A statement which is backed up by their complete lack of clean sheets this season and playing Huddersfield at home and letting them have six shots on target (to their one?) When he’s not failing to stop the opposition scoring, Coleman also isn’t getting forward successfully either. Once one of the most buccaneering full backs in the league, the Irishman is yet to complete a successful cross this season from 11 attempts and is averaging just 9 touches in the final third per match. Compare that to Ben Chilwell over at Leicester, who plays for a similar side by way of a fair comparison. Chilwell is averaging 17 touches per match in the final third and has put over 23 crosses. He has also created 4 clear chances to Coleman’s 1.

If all that was a bit stats heavy and you switched off I’ll simplify it. Coleman isn’t cutting the mustard at either end of the pitch.

Bardsley (4.4 BUR) – Phil Bardsley is still in the Premier League. The only thing more surprising about that statement is how he stayed on the pitch against Manchester Utd for a shocking and cynical off the ball hack at Marcus Rashford; who he then went head to head with and watched as the referee sent off only Rashford. Even if the rutting stags moments showed the Utd man to be the aggressor, Bardsley’s offence was worth two yellows in succession. Awful refereeing all round.

But seriously. Bardsley has to be the worst defender still in the league right? Plus he looks like the dad of that kid who used to beat you up at school; and you just know he would have thought nothing of going straight through the back of you in a father/son match.

And then squaring up to the teacher who was reffing.

Like a cunt.

Gross (6.9 BHA) – A missed penalty and off before 60 minutes is the stuff of nightmares for fantasy football managers. I mean, it’s not a 1 minute Mkhitaryan cameo when you’ve got 9 points on your bench waiting to come in but it’s close.

I mean. Why Emery? For the love of God man. Why!!!!????

And breathe…

Xhaka (5.4 ARS) – Okay seriously is Emery on drugs? You have Torreira right there. Right there man! Why are you starting this hack happy imbecile when you’ve bought a brilliant guy to stop him darkening the fucking side ever again. God I hate Xhaka. I can’t hide it anymore. He is an absolute stone wall, cast iron, first degree nothing of a football player. The odd set piece on the money means nowt when you can’t pass, can’t tackle, can’t run, can’t intercept, can’t header, can’t dribble, can’t position yourself correctly to stop attacks and can’t read (last one is a guess). Please… I mean, we don’t need Wenger back… but there has to be a third option here people…

Snodgrass (5.5 WHU) – Remember when he used to be really quite good? No. Me neither.

Jesus (10.4 MCI) – Cutting a frustrated figure once again this weekend, the stark reality is that Jesus should really be scoring a lot more goals in this Man City team. After an electric start to his career he was largely anonymous for his country at the World Cup and has followed up that form for his club. Now very much second fiddle to Aguero, whatever Jamie Jackson may think, Jesus has scored just once from his 10 shots so far. A desperate conversion rate for any striker, but more so for one with such apparently prodigious talent. If he carries on like this he may as well be managed by Jose Mourinho

Rashford (6.7 MUN) – A frustrated figure who lost his cool (and his head). Joking aside, seeing a talent this home grown and raw slide down the gutter under this current manager is one of the most depressing sights in English football right now.

Benteke (6.5 CRY) – Benteke has now scored 3 goals in 37 matches. This is a player who Liverpool bought for £32.5m when £32.5m was the old £60m. He is 27 and should be in his peak as an attacker. He looks like the worst striker in European football. He hasn’t scored from open play with his feet for 17 months. That’s a season and a half for fucks sake. If he was being indulged last season, right now it just looks like that Hodgson is under some sort of spell compelling him to select him for each match.

I mean even Shane Long has scored 2 goals in that spac… no wait. Bad example. That’s on me.

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Three

Begovic (4.5 BOU) – Largely this wasn’t the worst weekend for keepers, despite some high scores rolling in. Begovic was called upon rarely in his home match with Everton, but failed to save his team on 2 of the 3 occasions the opposition hit the target. A keeper who has never quite kicked on since he used to sit mid table for Stoke and my Cat’s Fantasy Football League, you still feel Bournemouth need someone that notch above if they’re going to move from… well… 12th to 8th.

Mee & Tarkowski (5.0 BUR, 5.0 BUR) – Unlike Garth Crooks, I can look beyond when centre backs score to see that they’ve had a poor game. Burnley have conceded 7 goals in 2 games, shipping some 35 chances in those 2 matches. Indeed, Joe Hart made 8 saves in this match alone and must have felt like he’d never left West Ham such was the siege upon his goal. Mee & Tark were two of the best centre backs in the league last season, but look anything but so far in this. Europa League or not, Burnley need to get back to basics and find their shape again, pronto.

Diop (4.4 WHU) – A 22m signing in the summer, Issa Diop started a Premier League game for the first time on Saturday and probably wants to expunge it from his memory as fast as humanly possible. He was torn apart by Arsenal’s pace coming forward, gave up 17 shots, scored an own goal and got booked. He’ll play better than this for sure. West Ham fans must hope he can’t play any worse…

Hoedt (4.5 SOU) – It’s been a dreadful start to the season at the back for Southampton, who collapse like a moist cake at the first sign of an opposition attack. Central to these failures has been Wesley Hoedt. Failing to master the simple art of standing on his feet, he resembles a kid on FIFA who only knows how to tackle with the slide button*. Saints look in real trouble with Mark Hughes showing no signs of a man who can get them out of it. Games against Palace, Brighton and Wolves loom in the next four and if they can’t win any of those… you fear for them.

(Gag & TOW entry courtesy of @lucyhighnett – a long term sufferer of having to watch Southampton play footballer these past few years)

Sane (9.4 MCI) – Yet to start a match this season, Sane came on the final 20 minutes and proceeded to give the ball away with the regularity of fabricated Jeremy Corbyn news stories. Consistently referred to as the singular reason why Germany didn’t do better in the World Cup by our blinkered media, Sane has in fact shown the very reason why he wasn’t picked so far. A pass completion rate of just over 70% this season is average at best, but playing for City it’s like turning up to a Black Tie event in a tracksuit. One jinking run reminded everyone what he has in his locker, but he’ll have to do a lot more than this to get back in the team. Right now Mendy is doing his job better… and with the added bonus of actually defending (or at least trying to) as well.

Richarlison (6.7 EVE) – A moment of youthful stupidity likely cost Everton 3 points and gained himself a 3 match ban in the process. Richarlison has been in fine fettle so far this season and will be missed by a free flowing Everton team for which he has added flair and skill in abundance. Like a reversed football Brexit, he was transferred into…and then out of… more fantasy football teams than any player in history within the space of 48 hours (Citation – there is no evidence to back up this claim, much like the Leave Campaign). That people are actually considering Theo Walcott as the best replacement for their teams, a player with an xG lower than that of Aymeric Laporte, shows once again that the British public are as predictable as lemmings on a cliff edge.

Townsend (6.0 CRY) – Andros Townsend isn’t a bad player, but he’s not a great one either. Palace, despite this latest set back, remain a team with upward momentum and have some quality players throughout their ranks. Townsend is now 27 and it’s hard to believe he once played for England. Indeed, he scored 3 goals for his country in a 13 cap career. But for Spurs, Newcastle, Palace and the 250 teams he’s appeared for on loan, he has never quite showed the potential that… well… he himself assumed he had. His Premier League stats show 14 career goals in over 10,000 minutes of football. That’s a goal every 720 minutes. One every 8 games. For a player with his ability to strike a ball that’s a desperate record. Even accounting for assists, a goal involvement of just under 300 minutes is worse than most similar attacking players in the league. Gudmundson, who has played for Burnley for 3 years, is every 250 minutes. Lingard, who played as a sub for 3 years, is every 211 minutes. Lamela, who was been injured for 3 years, is every 195 minutes. Theo Walcott, who has been shit for 13 years, is every 133 minutes.

Hold on. Theo Walcott is involved in a goal every 133 minutes? Over a 13 year Premier League career.

I’m sorry. What?

Stats are dead.

Mounie (6.0 HUD) – No goals so far this season for an ailing Huddersfield, it’s hard to see why a) Huddersfield didn’t add to their frontline strike force in the summer and b) how on earth Mounie is priced at 6m in the Fantasy game. In three starts he has mustered two successful take ons, just 11 touches in the box and a shot accuracy of just 16%. He has an Xg of 0.37 and 0.13 from open play. For the Terriers to survive this season you sense he needs to at least get to double figures. A tally that looks a long way off on this evidence.

Aubameyang (10.9 ARS) – The fact that Aubameyang compares 50/50 on stats to Mounie above, tells you everything you need to know about his dire start to the season. Far from uninvolved, Aubameyang has merely been incompetent. He has 8 attempts so far, 3 of which have been big chances and none of which have come close to bursting the net. He has won just 43% of his aerial battles and boasts a 65% pass completion rate in the final third. He looks so out of form he could be played in a movie by Morata.

Zohore (4.9 CAR) – At least Huddersfield have scored this season, Cardiff City have not managed that at all despite back to back shut outs. Zohore has led the line in the last matches to ill effect. Mustering 4 headers, all off target and has won just 23% of his aerial duels. He looks shocking. As do Cardiff, both in terms of creating good chances and finishing them off. It’s going to be a long, hard season in Wales.

Happy Hunting

HM