Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Two

Week Two

This weeks blog comes off the back of 7 successive 5:30am starts. And as such, may well make very little sense.

Friday night lights sparkle, if not shine.
This weekend’s football kicked off at the all new time of 8pm on a Friday, and it was only fitting that Sky covered the fixture with their usual care and consideration by picking a match that saw many Southampton fans getting back to their city by 9am the next morning. Not Watford or Chelsea then? Two teams from the same city. Or Spurs or Palace? No, we’ll have United please, who gives a toss who they’re playing, that’s not our concern, we’ll get their lovely stadium and heavy corporate sponsorship all over our screens. Wankers.

As it was, the match was a fitting reminder of the new Premier League era of the megastar. Finally an English club were able to show off a player who could be considered amongst the world’s best, and had not just moved to Spain in their prime. Let’s gloss over that this player cost Manchester United £90m when they let him go for nothing four years ago. 

Pogba drifted in and out of the first 45 before applying some genuine sparkle on the occasion in a dominant second half display. United have flattered to deceive ever since Ferguson left, fluctuating between a fallen giant, a laughing stock and a live action snoozefest. This time though, with Jose, Zlatan and Pogba in tow - it seems like the hype may actually be real. The season may only be two games old, but it’s already tempting to suggest anybody who finishes above a Manchester club is going to win it.

None of which makes Friday night football a good idea.

Burnley give Liverpool a lesson in finishing

A two nil home victory is the sort of result that looks routine on paper, but there was nothing routine about this preposterously one sided match. After putting four past Arsenal last week Liverpool rocked up brimming in confidence, with a returning Daniel Sturridge and proceeded to achieve a staggering 81% possession and twenty plus attempts. They could not get past Tom Heaton though, and in truth rarely got beyond the Burnley back four who defended deep and with no small degree of skill, reducing their opponents to shots from distance. Liverpool’s problem this season is going to be much the same as last - when they fail to break down opposition defences they lack either the stand out player to steal a 1-0 from somewhere, or the actual defence themselves to at least hold out for a 0-0 and go again. Liverpool pretty much always concede, and regardless of how many goals they will score this season (and don’t let this match convince you it won’t be plenty) they simply are not going to challenge for the main honours if Klopp cannot teach his defenders how to do their jobs better. He could start by reinstating Emre Can to the first eleven as well. Jordan Henderson is not a defensive screening midfielder and never will be Jurgen. He’s also... you know... not as good.

Sunderland - new manager, same old shit
Sunderland have not won a football match in August in six years. You’ve got to admire that. Are they making a lengthy protest about the season kicking off so early? Do they just like to give their fans something to worry about early before turning up in the New Year and coasting to safety yet again? Whatever the reason, their first half performance here smacked of a team not back from the summer holidays and suddenly realising half way through they were involved in a real football match. And a local derby at that. Sunderland did rally in the second half but the damage was already done and they couldn’t come away with the points. Middlesborough meanwhile followed up their unfortunate opening weekend draw with a terrific win courtesy of two expertly taken goals. Sunderland fans at least had the amusement of Newcastle to warm their hearts last season. All that warmth will quickly evaporate though, if they watch Middlesborough leap to the top of the North East tree.

North London - six points that you’d need six pints to enjoy
Both Spurs and West Ham got their seasons going this weekend with late 1-0 wins over stubborn opposition. For Spurs, the “Dembele” effect continued with another stuttering performance rescued by the energy of Alli and Wanyama’s home debut finish. Spurs aren’t going to get it their own way as often this season and if their young and talented squad don’t want their Champions League career to be a fleeting one, they need to play better at home and put teams as impotent as Palace to the sword.

Over in the We Won the World Cup City of London Stadium, West Ham shocked the world by announcing before kick off that the 11 year unblemished injury run of Andy Carroll was over, and that he was out for six weeks. On the pitch, almost nothing of note happened until a frantic final ten minutes when both teams realised that if they tried to score, they might win. Antonio did just that, with another header for what surely must be the best out and out winger to be inexplicably converted to a full back. What is that about Slaven? I can see the logic in converting wingers to full backs at the latter end of their careers (Valencia, Brunt, Milner apparently) - but Antonio is in his prime, isn’t especially great at defending and is one of the best players in the league for coming in at the back post. He’s strong, quick and superb in the air. Just play him on the wing Slaven and see what happens.

What’s that? He did play on the wing here? Oh... well... er... I told you so... 

Swansea might need bodies
Swansea have an excellent manager, some brilliant fans and a very loyal bunch of journeymen who continue to lose 1 or 2 top assets a season. Having this time lost their captain though, Swansea look like a team who need reinforcements in key areas, not least centre back and the number 10 role, where it’s essentially Siggy or bust for them. Yes they have bought a not at all random mixture of promise, potential and experience in Fer, Baston and Llorente. But they are still playing Wayne Routledge. That needs to stop. Now.

Seriously what has happened to Montero? The guy can’t buy a start now. He tore teams apart this time last year?

I mean, just imagine going home to your family and telling them that Wayne Routledge is keeping you out of the team. You genuinely couldn’t contest a divorce settlement.

Team of the Weak - sponsored by Pete’s Puns.

Given nothing

Inclyned to say nowt
Evans above
Love forty down
An easy Targett
You’d be Shawcross at that
We Watmore
Not very Mutch
Don’t fall off the Routledge
Alexiless
Not the Rondon

Howard Wilson
 
Goodnight. I can’t stress that enough.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week One

It was a typically unpredictable smörgåsbord of an opening weekend, with bookies favourties to go down and 5000/1 outsiders to win the league Hull City sticking it to the reigning champions. Now, I’m not saying lightning is going to strike twice... but I am absolutely and categorically saying that lightning is NOT going to strike twice.

Klopp outfoxes Wenger
A 4-3 rip snorter at the Emirates flattered Arsenal somewhat; who largely gave the sort of performance one has come to expect from the last ten years of Wenger. Had Liverpool had a different keeper and a homeless guy off the street at left back, the scoreline would probably have been worse for Arsene and his merry band of hapless assassins. But enough about Arsenal, dear god the time and print I’ve wasted on saying the same thing over and over again these past few years. Buy a striker. Learn how to defend a counter attack. Get some backbone. Seriously... we’re all sick of it and every year we pray they finally finish out of the top four, sack Wenger and move the hell on with their life.

So let’s turn to Liverpool instead, far and away the most entertaining side in the league since Klopp took over. A team that can win or lose 5 nil at any given moment. A team that can spend millions assembling the most nimble footed, jinking little minxes of attacking midfielders... and continue to play Alberto Moreno at left back. Lots of people play 4-2-3-1 these days, its the de facto formation of choice in the Premier League and indeed on the international stage. But within that formation, there is nobody in football who does the “3” better than Jurgen Klopp. One look at Liverpool’s transfers this summer suggest that Klopp doesn’t really care about any other aspect of his team... he just wants to stare longingly at Coutinho and co pressing, harassing, passing, moving, giving and, when it works, scoring with reckless abandon. He is helped in this desire by the willingness of Roberto Firmino to play as the falsest of false 9’s. Firmino is a lesson to every would be attacker out there how to find space. He craves it, he covets it. He is literally always in space, ghosting around like a martian in and out of defenders eye lines. He finds it, he makes it, he creates it for his team mates. He was born in space. He is perpetually in space. He has spent more time in space than Mark Watney. It is because of this that Klopp’s system works so well going forward and in twenty brutal minutes at the start of the second half Liverpool scored three and could have scored three more. 

Liverpool don’t defend well enough to win titles, but if you want to watch one team this year and be riotously entertained each time... you could do a lot worse. 

Zlatan will write his own headlines

3-1 winners at Bournemouth, Manchester United kicked off the season in winnings ways with a performance that suggested the days of scratching around in the Europa places may finally be at an end. Jose buys end product, nothing more, rarely less. And nobody is more end product than Zlatan. He is not going to tear through defences with the abandon of youth, but with Martial to do that for him, he is instead going to put himself around, get in the right positions, and score the goals that this side has lacked since Wayne Rooney collected his pension early. Even Rooney actually got in on the act, quelling the inevitable talk that a near 76 year old strike partnership is not going to cut it over 38 grueling games. There will be harder tasks for United ahead, but with Pogba waiting in the wings and the likes of Mkhi and Rashford barely used, it’s enough for their fans to know that they at least have a chance of not having 80% possession and zero shots in a match each time they step on the pitch. As for Zlatan, it’s just nice to see him enjoying himself.

The promoted clubs will need to find that killer touch
Hull may have got off to winning ways this weekend, but you feel that will need more up top than Diomande if they are to remain in the league come next May. Middlesbrough meanwhile, started well with a fine goal from new signing Alvaro Negredo, but then proceeded to miss a string of decent chances in a match they largely dominated before being pulled back by a Shaqiri free kick. Burnley could’t even manage a point, as they were defeated at home to Swansea and looked like they could have played all day and not scored. Goals keep you in the division people. It’s a hard currency and if you don’t have a striker who can score you 10-15 at crucial times it’s very hard work. All three of these sides will have to find that magic formula if they are to stay around for longer than just the one season.

Chelsea aren’t going to win the league
The aura of positivity around Stamford Bridge at the moment is a curious one. After all, Chelsea have done little in the summer other than retain their key players; which smacks of the sort of summer Arsenal fans used to dream of rather than anything especially progressive. Yes they’ve signed a promising young striker to replace... the promising young striker they sold a couple of years ago. And yes they have Kante, who effectively plays two positions. But their problem last season were terrible defensive errors and a lack of discipline. Discipline that isn’t going to be helped by the retention of Diego Costa and the new rule of yellow cards for arguing with the referee. And what of that defence? Has the Italian national manager really come in, taken a look and declared himself happy with a first choice back line containing three players in visible decline? Chelsea of course are not without hope, a midfield of Matic and Kante is not going to get broken down easily and with the mercurial Hazard seemingly back on song, Chelsea should certainly improve on last season’s utterly woeful title defence. But winners? No. They need a pretty spectacular close to the transfer window to achieve that.

Will the transfer window please start shutting before the season
How can Bolasie play for Palace, step off the pitch and head straight to Everton for a medical ready to join them? How can Manchester United bid for Jose Fonte before they are just due to play them? The Transfer window was surely invented to stop this sort of madness from happening and limit the disruption to teams during the actual season? Mahrez may well have scored a penalty on Saturday, but he has played back to back games visibly under the weight of heavy transfer speculation and he is not alone. Yes it is inevitable that certain players will be coveted by bigger teams (although these days it often seems the case that clubs merely swap like for like in increasingly stranger ways) - but can we please just limit that to the week before the season starts and let clubs prepare properly with a squad they know is actually going to be there for six months?

Not kicking off the season before the kids have even gone on the school bloody holidays yet would help matters as well...

Team of the Weak

Mignolet - a keeper who just has no middle ground between absolute wonder saves and stone wall howlers. The former rendered faintly pointless by the propensity of the second.
Moreno - just an appalling defender.

Chambers - a signing that is starting to resemble Bebe esque levels of bizarreness. Not only is Chambers a very average defender, he is inexplicably slow.
Monreal - had an excellent season last time around but was cruelly exposed by the pace and movement of the Liverpool front four.
Francis - never got to grips with the United front line and looked out of his depth. Eddie Howe is a loyal and loveable manager, but simply needs better defenders if Bournemouth are going to survive again.

Morgan - not a return to league action to remember for the man who lifted the title a few months ago. Looked off the pace and error prone.
Zaha - created nothing, did nothing, got booked.

Alli - started slowly and grew into the game too late to make any real impact - needs to find his level again after a disappointing end to last season and the car crash of the Euro’s.

Mahrez - scoring a penalty does not a good game make, whatever fantasy football might think. A shadow of the man who tore into defenders last season.

Lennon - rubbish.
Gray - is going to have to step up and step up fast if Burnley are going to stay in this division. If the gap between pre-season and that Swansea team is this, you would worry about playing Liver... no okay, my bad, let’s give him another week. 

Wickham - continues to lead the Palace line despite a record of one goal in about eleven. And indeed, I’ll leave you with the words of his manager after the match.

“I think any striker who becomes available is of interest to us”

Any striker. ANY striker? Christ. Don’t tell Wenger. Who knows what he might do.

Goodnight.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Pre-Season Ramble

With the new Premier League Season almost upon us, and the Championship already up and running (welcome Newcastle fans) - it is time for the Monkey to turn his withering eye to the state of the teams ready to do battle in what promises to be the most open title race in... well ever.

After Leicester showed the world that literally anyone can now win this league, making any predictions for the new season come with the almost obligatory caveat of “or... you know... maybe not.”

This season, over half the teams involved are either welcoming new managers, or managers who have yet to manage in the Premier League. If that sounds like a tongue twister - go and ask the average person on the street who now manages Swansea, Sunderland, Everton, Watford and Hull. And see how many get it correct. 

There is a flipside to the current managerial merry go round though. For the first time in history, the Premier League has the greatest selection of top flight managers in the game competing for the holy grail of a lost King in a carpark. Pep, Jose, Klopp, Wenger, Poch, Conte - never before have the top six elect had such big names at the helm. Arguably only Carlo and Simone are missing from the big names of managerial juggernaughts.

Just think for a moment that one of those managers has to finish at least 6th. And that’s even before you factor in Leicester or West Ham. A team who’s move to the Olympic Stadium had clearly gone to their head as they slapped down a comical £40m bid for James Rodriguez.

So who is going to win it and who is going to go down? The Monkey will lay bare his full and complete table at the end of this summary. I urge nobody to place bets on this and come knocking on my door. Remember... it might not happen.

The Main Contenders

Welcome to Manchester Pep & Jose... and welcome to several new signings. Both managers have gone about their pre-season work in the manner you would expect of their reputations. Pep by adding 17 new midfielders to his squad, telling his current central midfielders they will now be considered centre backs and putting an arm around Raheem Sterling and telling him he will be playing lots of lots of meaningless cup games this season. 

Jose on the other hand, has looked at his current squad and highlighted the obvious weakness in it. Centre back, centre mid, a creator and a goal scorer. He has filled those positions with a proven warrior, the best pure midfielder in the world, the best conductor in the German league last season and the world’s 3rd best striker after Messi and Ronaldo.

Or if you prefer, with a barely proven centre back, the most overpriced player in the history of the game, a lightweight European from a club who’s players consistently fail in the Premier League and a striker who is so old he can get to the ground with a free bus pass.

Beyond the Manchester duo lies Wenger and his glorious one signing that nobody has heard of yet still cost £35m. It’s ok though Arsenal fans... this is the year when the Ox and Theo are finally going to come good. And Jack Wilshire is going to stay fi... ah who am I kidding I can’t even type this shit. Spurs look good right though? I mean they haven’t really signed anyone either bar a very good back up striker so Harry Kane is allowed a day off every now and again. Oh and Wanyama. Who is in no way shape of form a better player than Dier or Dembele. But never mind that. They have Toby and Eriksen and Lamela still. Who might one day be the best player in the world. I think. Someone told me once. I’ve forgotten now.

And what about Liverpool? Surely there is no better recipe for success than buying players who got relegated last season? Taking a midfield of talented, sprightly players who lacked any sort of consistency and adding... what’s that... three more of those exact type of players? Oh. Still, they just beat Barca 4-0 a few hours after Messi had put all his tax payment on black... so you know, it’s probably their year.

And finally there’s Chelsea. Who are bidding £70m for a player they let go a few years ago. What’s going on? You wouldn’t catch Manchester United doing that. Silly Chelsea. And you still have John Terry has your first choice centre back. Really? You’re sticking with that? Okay then... good luck to you. At least Hazard looks like he cares again, which should mean they are more entertaining to watch if nothing else. I Kante get enough of them this season. Honest.

The Chasing Pack

It seems ridiculous to put the Champions of England in the chasing pack... but that is what they are. For Leicester to win one title was the stuff of fairy tales, if they won another I think every bookie in the world would pack up and start betting on politics instead. No wait that’s not gonna work either... Where was I? Oh yes Leicester. What a team, what a manager. A manager who has seemingly gone with the tactic of hoping everybody forgot how to play against his team from last season by buying lots of really young, promising and quick as lightening attackers so they can, here’s a tip everyone, SIT BACK AND KILL YOU ON THE COUNTER. Personally I hope they do it all over again. For Danny Drinkwater if nothing else. England’s best player in the Euros.

Who else could possible get in the top four I hear you ask? Well what about West Ham? They still have Payet, who is a player who everybody now wants to make love to. And they’ve just splashed out £20 on Ayew, he’ll being something. Goals, gold, something. And if that doesn’t work they have Mark Noble, capped 100 times by England and having recently written an autobiography entitled “why I was better than Gerrard & Lamps.. or at least Joey Barton for fucks sake.”

Behind them we have Saints and Everton - one of them managed by Ronald Koeman and both filled with enough talent that if they can retain it and kick on anything is possible. And then there is Stoke. Who will finish mid table. Absolute mid table. I can’t stress that enough.

The Relegation Scrappers

Hull are relegated. Let’s not dwell on that point any further. They have no manager, 12 fit senior players and play their football in Hull. Thanks for coming. Of the other new boys, Middlesborough look the slightly better equipped owing to a very sold defence, some proven attackers and the wondrous talent of Fischer on the wing. Watch this space, he is going to light up this league at least once every six games. Burnley though do have Andre Gray up front, who scored 23 goals in the Championship last season and 9 completely meaningless goals in pre-season to date. 

Who else then? Watford? Certainly if those front two don’t get started they’re in trouble and they have an opening set of fixtures that must have their fans watching from behind the sofa’s until October. Swansea have just sold Ayew and bought... I’m sorry... they’ve just bought Fernando Llorente? THE Fernando Llorente who everybody wanted to buy? Oh wait that was five years ago. He’s 31 now and scored 16 goals in his last 81 matches. Or to put it another way, 78 goals more than Jozy Altidore managed for Sunderland. Remember him? No... I thought not. He plays in Canada now. Canada. I’m not even sure it’s a real country.

I think that’s everyone right? Oh no wait there a few more. Bournemouth and their young, handsome English manager elect Eddie Howe? They have lots of spirit, some great attacking players and have just made Jordan Ibe their record signing! I know right? How exciting is that! Okay I’ll move on, who else? Palace that’s who... let’s not talk about them too much, it will only go to Pardew’s head. 

All of which leaves Tony Pulis and West Brom. And on that bombshell, I bid you farewell and leave you with the official Hindu Monkey predicted final league table for the 2016/17 season.

1. Manchester City
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Chelsea
5. Arsenal
6. Spurs
7. West Ham
8. Leicester
9. Everton
10. Stoke
11. Southampton
12. Crystal Palace
13. West Brom
14. Middlesbrough
15. Sunderland
16. Bournemouth
17. Swansea
18. Watford
19. Burnley
20. Hull

Or you know... maybe not...

Happy Hunting

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Final Reckoning

And so the dust settles on another Premier League season. Only it doesn’t. Because there is still one game left to play. Owing to a bomb scare this afternoon Manchester United now face the ultimate ignominy of having to go through the motions against Bournemouth to decide if they come 6th... or 5th. Whilst there was thankfully no casualties at Old Trafford due to sterling security work, it’s impossible to believe that their won’t be some when it comes to the end of season inquest. What a truly pathetic season it has been for Chelsea and Manchester United football club. There could well be five teams in the Champions League next season and that neither of them will be the two who have dominated the league for the last decade is just bizarre. More so when you consider the third team in that elite is Manchester City, who only came 4th. Just. By drawing away to Swansea reserves.

The Premier League team of the year is well documanted and, for once, very accurate. De Gea is clearly the league’s best keeper and there can be no arguing whatsoever with Alderwireld, Kante, Mahrez, Payet, Vardy and Kane. You could quibble over the rest of the defensive make up but only really between Spurs, Leicester and Bellerin... and then it’s basically Alli or Ozil. In all, it’s not a very interesting topic... and having covered the wonderful achievement of Leicester last time around... I close this season (and yes Van Gaal, I am now just pretending you don’t exist and hoping you’ll go away) with my final team of the weak... 

Courtois
Last season Jose Mourinho said it was one of the hardest decisions he ever had to make to decide on his number one between Thibaut Courtois and Petr Cech. Courtois had a fantastic season and it looked like he’d made the right call. That was until he opened up this campaign by selling Cech to Arsenal and watched his new number 1 get sent off in the opening fixture. Cech has meanwhile won the Golden Glove and (somehow) finished 2nd. Courtois has kept five clean sheets all season, been sent off twice and finished in 10th place. Below Stoke. Who stopped playing in February. 18 months ago he was voted the 2nd best keeper in the world ahead of David De Gea (and behind Manuel Neur). That claim now looks as laughable as Chelsea’s title defence.

Stones
The subject of a £35m pre-season bid, John Stones has done everything he can to prove he’s not worth that fee over the course of the past 9 months. In fairness to the lad, being coached in the defensive arts by Roberto Martinez must be like being coached in swimming by a camel. But even with that taken in to effect, Stones has made basic errors with alarming regularity and looked like he’s going to cry at least five times. Chelsea probably don’t want him anymore. Although looking at their back four... maybe they still do.

Richards

The Villa captain has seen his career reach even newer lows this year, following the seemingly sane decision to swap a career as Manchester’s City random English quota 6th sub (well played Fabian Delph, well played) for regular football at a sleeping midlands GIANT. It just you know, didn’t really work out like that did it Micah. Get Tactics Tim back. And maybe don’t sell all your established players for ones who’ve never played in the league before. I mean seriously, when your best player is the shit Ayew brother... you know it’s not been a vintage year.

O’Shea
Absolute garbage. Sam Allardyce hasn’t really done that much since coming to Sunderland beyond taking John O’Shea out back and politely telling him he will never play for the club again. Showed up to be useless by the impressive Kone was one thing. But Younes Kaboul? That is when you know you really are shit.

Ivanovic
Has to be in there for the inexplicable ability to keep getting picked, even after it had become abundantly obvious to anybody with a semblance of workable vision that he couldn’t defend a chess board who was a queen, two bishops and a rook up. Ivanhoe, it’s not the middle ages anymore. And you do need to run and tackle rather than just haul your opponents to the ground to be a good player.

Colback
14 yellow cards in 2015, failing to stamp your authority on a midfield that badly needed it and swapping your former club for your new one because you couldn’t go through a relegation battle again. Oh Jack. You silly boy you. In fairness you’ve probably not been the worst player at your club let alone the league... but I’m not Garth Crooks and I need a defensive midfielder. And you have a rubbish, rubbish haircut. So you know, them the breaks. Enjoy the Championship.

Walcott
What a complete waste of space Theo Walcott is. Does anybody more personify the Arsenal way than him? Awesome on his day, more lightweight than a hummingbirds feather the next. I want to play as a central striker says Theo. I want to show you I can be better than Giroud. Whats that? I’m not as good as Giroud? But he’s fucking garbage? He literally misses 28 chances a match but pops up with the odd hat trick against sunken teams to make his numbers look good? You won’t put me in the team over that? Fuck it then, I’ll just get injured again so you can pay my wages whilst I sit at home and play Xbox with Jack Wilshire. Fuck you Wenger. Not you Roy. Come on, I know you want to pick me. I’ll let you down, I’ll give you nothing... but what you gonna do, pick Andros fucking Townsend instead? I thought not. Come on the Euros! 

Depay
In everybody’s worst team of the year. I mean, Memphis... seriously son? What the FUCK was that!?

Sterling
The Premier League official team of the year cost the same amount as Raheem Sterling. Who once again didn’t get on the pitch today in a match that his club HAD to win. Instead his manager chose a youth player, a defensive midfielder and Jesus fucking Navas over him. And them made two further subs which weren’t him. Indeed, all told, Sterling has ended the season the 8th choice attacking option for the 4th best team in the land. For £49m and a ego about the same size... it’s safe to say more was expected. Liverpool fans have no reason to laugh at any club this season after finishing 8th... but they can laugh at Sterling.

Rooney
7 goals at a rate of one every 330 minutes is, quite frankly, not acceptable for the best paid player at the supposedly biggest club in the land. Rooney has had a shocking season, even by United’s turgid standards and it’s an absolute scandal if he’s a) still there next year or b) starts for England this summer over Kane or Vardy. Rooney was going several years ago. Now he has left the building, got a flight to China and is playing via a rusted dysfunctional radio controller robot. Nobody even knew who Marcus Rashford was four months ago. Now he’s many things, but above all he’s the person who showed the whole of Manchester how fucking shit Rooney had become. Severe. The. Fucking. Cord.

Costa
Diego Costa actually finished the season with 12 goals. Which sounds crazy when you consider how bad he’s been in almost every game. I’m all for players putting themselves about and treading the thin line between physicality and aggression. But Costa commits actual assault in most matches. Chelsea did so well last season because Costa worked. His style and manner of play was this season’s Jamie Vardy... yes he got in people’s faces but he also ran defences ragged with his energy, scored vital goals and led from the front. As it is, this year Costa has been Chelsea all over. Hot air and arrogance with no end product. He should be ashamed of his performances this year and cannot hold his head high when he inevitably leaves. And seriously... is that his real face? That guy has to be wearing a mask as an ongoing troll right? He looks like Pob fucked a Gorilla and was then sent to work in a mine shaft for forty years. He’s 27?? I mean come on... that has to be a joke right? Anyone? Anyone...

ah who cares... enjoy next season... it will probably be much less interesting than this one

although Wenger won’t win it... that’s a free tip. Not a 5000/1 one... but it might as well be

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Incredible Journey III - The Year of the Fox

Over the course of this season I have tried, and failed, many times to explain to my football loathing girlfriend the enormity of the achievement should Leicester City win the Premier League. Even trying to shoe horn in her love for Richard III has failed to engage her in this incredible story. Don’t you support Man United she asks me? Have you just switched teams now that you’re crap? I point out I haven’t switched teams, I’m just caught up in an adventure that would be possibly the singularly most incredible sporting achievement of my lifetime. I just want to be able to say I saw it, that I was there... when Leicester City of League one a few years ago and 5000/1 to win the title... somehow did it. I speak of Jamie Vardy, a guy brought up a couple of miles from our house in Sheffield and how his journey from non league to Premier League title winner in a few years is going to be a Hollywood movie. Will the movie portray Sheffield as an industrial ravaged wasteland of abandoned factories and stereotypical northerners with flat caps and whippets? Almost certainly I say.

Ultimately, whether to someone with no interest in football, or a scholar of the game, trying to explain away this season is frankly impossible. Teams like Leicester City simply don’t win top flight titles. It doesn’t happen. Ever. Comparisons have been thinly clutched to the great Clough teams. Both of his achievements (Derby’s title and subsequent double European Cup triumph with Nottingham Forest) are up there with the finest, but they existed not only in a different era of football where money and elitism was not so dominant. Also whilst the cup wins were incredible, as were say, the Euro triumphs of Greece and Denmark, they were achieved over a much shorter period of games (6 to 12). Leicester have won the title over a full 38 (with two to spare) and indeed you could stretch back their form to a staggering FIFTY games now and they would still be top of the pile. This is a team made up of rejected players who have come together under a likeable journeyman to achieve the incredible. Kante, Mahrez and Vardy have been the three best players in the league this year, but every player deserves a 10 out of 10. Danny Simpson, a player who couldn’t get in the QPR team that was relegated? Robert Huth, deemed not good enough for a Stoke defence that has conceded 28 goals more than Leicester so far. Danny Drinkwater, a Man United loanee of 5 clubs in 2 years before joining this Leicester team. I mean, Mahrez and Kante were both playing French Ligue 2 football just 18 months ago?? When Mahrez was offered a contract at Leicester, he thought it was a rugby club. You just couldn’t make up stuff like that. It would sound ridiculous. It does sound ridiculous. It is ridiculous.

There is an argument that Leicester would not have done this but for the collective failings of the elite. It is worth pointing out then that their points total of 77 is already above the 75 point mark that Manchester United won the title with in 97 (with two games to spare). Leicester have lost just 3 times all season and there is a bitter irony to the fact that two of those losses have come to Arsenal, who were the team seemingly most well placed to take advantage of the ailing of others. Leicester have won this title on their own merit playing a style of football that they adapted wonderfully as the season wore on. 

Having said that, it was worth pausing for a moment to consider the incredible failings of the teams below them this year. Last season, after 36 matches, the top four of Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester City and United had lost 23 matches between them. This season that figure stands at 37. Two of the top four from last season won’t be in it this time around and there has never been a Premier League season before where any of the top four didn’t finish in the top two of the subsequent season. Manchester City’s European Adventure aside, this has been a truly horrific season for the apparent elite. Incredibly, both United and Arsenal are expected to begin the new season with the same managers in charge.

Spurs however, do deserve credit for pushing them to this stage. In any other year the sight of the young Lillywhites snatching the title from their London rivals would be the stuff of fantasy itself. As it was, had they done it this year they would have faced the unfortunate ignominy of their greatest ever achievement forever being a footnote as the season Leicester almost won it. Spurs somewhat lost the plot last night; responding to losing a 2 goal lead by trying to start a 22 man brawl rather than attempting to just score another goal. But that shouldn’t detract from their own huge effort this season. They are a young, wonderfully talented team who will be back again next year to remind the bigger clubs what a belief in a genuine youth set up can actually achieve.

But this is the year of the Fox. And nothing should detract from that fact. This is a victory that should inspire children up and down the land to take up the game. That should inspire any player released from a club there is still hope. That should inspire any players of the lower leagues that it’s possible to achieve the impossible. It is an utterly, utterly extraordinary achievement of which their will likely be no repeat in our lifetimes.

Leicester City. Claudio Ranieri. I salute you. You have given us all something to remember for the rest of our lives. Now is the time to celebrate. Now is the time to party. Now is the spring of our contentment.

Nobody will ever, ever be able to take this away. Not even a fucking Tudor.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt from the Premier League this Weekend

Leicester just keep giving
On a marvelous Sunday afternoon of attacking, physical football - Leicester and West Ham shared the spoils in a match laced with drama and incident. At times it’s hard not to believe that there is something divine helping Leicester to this title, be it lady luck, god, the ghost of Richard III or an extremely powerful drug that is about to wear off. They should have been behind after two minutes as the King Power Stadium fell in to a near deathly, slow motion silence after a header hit both posts before trickling into the keeper’s arms. They then took the lead through the man of the moment Jamie Vardy, a ruthless finish following typically excellent build up work from Mahrez and Kante. But the game turned in the second half when the Yorkshireman was sent packing for what was, let’s be frank, an appalling dive. Having already been booked one wonders what was going through his head as he contrived to win his 74th penalty of the season. Vardy has always tread a thin line between brilliance and provocative but he deserved to be sent off here and his team will hope his decision to call the ref a “fucking cunt” to his face upon leaving won’t face further repercussions. West Ham piled on the pressure and scored two quick goals to claim the inevitable 3 points. Except this is Leicester, and they just don’t lose football matches (except to Arsenal). 94 minutes had all but elapsed when the referee did point to the spot and award the Foxes a last gasp chance to share the spoils. If it was a soft decision, there had been a stone wall appeal turned down five minutes before and a draw was a fair result overall. 3rd choice striker and penalty taker, Leonardo Ulloa slammed in the spot kick and the Foxes pulled further away from Spurs before they play Stoke tomorrow night. Was this 2 points lost or 1 gained? Give the situation and the late drama of the winner, it felt like the second. Only momentum will slow this team down, and as they head to a home match with mid table Swansea, it felt like it was still only going one way.

It’s time to take the Arsene out of Arsenal
It’s hard to think of a more Arsenal performance than this. Dear fucking god how was this game a 1 all draw? Arsenal passed and probed and created chance after chance after chance and couldn’t add to Alexis Sanchez’ first half header. It was almost inevitable that Palace were going to score. It wasn’t even a good goal. A speculative try from distance that squirmed under the keeper. Still Arsenal had chances. Still they couldn’t score. Sanchez had eleven attempts and hit the target once. I mean, I know being captained by me at fantasy football must feel like having a ball and chain tied around your leg but come on. Even Giroud couldn’t score!? Oh no wait, that’s not a genuine point. Let’s move on.

Nothing at Old Trafford will be missed
The worst team in the league this season were beaten by the worst attacking Manchester United team in history. 1 nil, from about four shots, in a game so spectacularly uninspiring I would have rather listened to Jeremy Hunt defend the Junior Doctor contract by saying the same line over... and over... and over... and over again than endure it for another 90 minutes. There were just three positives from that match. One, Villa won’t be in the Premier League for a long, long time. Two, United fans surely, surely, surely won’t have to endure Louis Van Gaal for more than 6 or 7 more matches. Three, Marcus Rashford - who is a real talent and deserves his chance to be playing regular football at a club at this level.

The North East just woke up
Look Newcastle and Sunderland, I’m not having you do this to me again. Letting me think all season you’re going to be relegated and then pulling it out of the back at the death. You see here’s the rub, this time at least one of you HAS to go down. You’re not catching Palace or Swansea, it’s two from three and even if you take poor, provincial Norwich with you one of you is still destined to be in the Championship and replaced by er... another team from the North East. Really? Oh for fu...

Seasons really do need to be judged after the last ball is kicked
Of the four FA Cup finalist, only Watford can probably be proud of their season’s work. Thanks to an improbably double penalty save from Gomes, the Hornets lie in mid-table, safe from relegation and free to enjoy the party for another year. Everton have frustrated their fans with defensive lapses, United have bored them with attacking ineptitude and Palace started well before going on an Alan Pardew trademarked twenty game run of filth. But if any of those three teams win the FA Cup will managers be forgiven? Palace are surely now safe and were never going to get in to the top six. So winning the FA Cup will surely be a hugely successful season. Likewise Everton. Yes they have a squad capable of  a top six push but not a top four one. As a fan I’d prefer a Wembley final victory than another 6th place finish and a draining Europa campaign. And United? Well no. Given who’s left a club of their supposed stature (you know, bigger than Spurs Louis) should probably be winning it and not drifting around the edges of the top four all season. But it would at least give the fans a moment to smile again and believe in the future.

Basically there is a lot of football still to played people. Over to you Spurs...

Team of the Weak

Courtois - Has escaped criticism this year but has been utterly garbage. Was on a par with David De Gea two years ago. Now on a par with Rob Green.
Antonio - A fine player, but not a right back, and I’m not sure why his manager seems to think he now is.
Ivanovic - Graeme Souness picked him as his first defender in the team of the season. What. A. Plonker.
Olsson - Battered at home to your relegation rivals. Never good.
Lescott - It’s okay now mate, all that weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Montero - Do you remember him? He was AMAZING. For the first four games of the season.
Gibson - I feel that Darron Gibson always gets forgotten about when we talk about injury prone football players. He’s also banned from driving for hitting a cyclist when pissed. So he’s probably a prick.
Depay - Take a look at Mahrez Memphis. Take a look at Rashford. Take a fucking look at yourself.
Milner - Brought in to my fantasy football team. Didn’t play. That’s just not cool James. Not cool at all.
Sanchez - I’m sorry Alexis, but you can’t miss that many chances and not get in here. I mean, you stood on a ball from six yards, missed an open goal with a header and scuffed one wide from ten yards when unmarked. I’m pretty sure the one you scored came off your shoulder as well...
Rooney - Captaining an England team for no reason this summer.

What you may have missed
Steve Davis retiring from the snooker. The greatest gentleman to ever pick up a cue.

That is all.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Seven questions that still need answering this season.

Can anybody stop Leicester City?
Or the more pertinent question perhaps being, can anybody score past Leicester City? Four, 1-0 wins on the spin and five out of the last six have opened up a seven point lead on Spurs with just six games left in the locker. Is this really all over now? Can anybody breach this implausible rear guard? Does it matter who you play in defence if you have N’Golo Kante covering every blade of grass on the pitch positioned in front of you? Sunderland are up next, a team who struggle to score at the best of times. Even in a season as unpredictable as this, it’s hard to see beyond another clean sheet, another three points and the Foxes having one paw on the title.

Who is the player of the year?
There are only three contenders. For all the magical assists of Mesut Ozil and striking power of Harry Kane, the award has to go to a Leicester player and Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez and N’Golo Kante would all be worthy recipients. These three have lit up the league with their power and skill, but the key word that unites all of them is energy. Kante is like Makelele on speed, Vardy is the hardest working striker in the league and Mahrez is that rare creature; a skilful, showboating genius who also possesses work rate and ethic. If anybody but these three wins the top gongs, they should hand it back in shame.

Who will get fourth?
Just one point separates the two Manchester Clubs with West Ham a further two behind. United rarely score, but rarely concede; City blow hot and cold like a bust gasket and West Ham continue to undermine their often poetic attacking play with careless lapses at the back. It’s hard to know who the neutrals would want to get 4^th. West Ham would probably be the common consensus, but the self-entitlement of their fans would likely mean they’d expect their club to finish their season after season if they did so. United and Chelsea finishing outside of the top four would probably have been many fans wishes that were never likely to come true last August; but both are probably now trumped by the potential comedy of City hiring Pep Guardiola to fulfil their Champions League dreams… and then not even qualify for it.

Who will join Villa in the Championship?
Oh Villa – what an absolute shower of shit you really are. Villa have now lost seven games on the spin and haven’t even scored in the last four. In fact, they’ve only scored 22 times all season. Which really is pathetic. That’s what Harry Kane has scored on his own. And he didn’t even start playing until October… But anyway, beyond their wretched, putrid filth, it’s looking increasingly more likely that only something special will stop the two North East club tumbling in to the abyss with them. Palace and Norwich remain in ropey form but both seem to possess a greater sense of togetherness that may just be enough to get them over the line. In a season of oddities, Rafa Benitez ending up at Newcastle as they descend in to the Championship is right up there. He will need quite a few “ghost goals” to get out of this mess.

Who will win the Golden Boot?
Whilst Harry Kane is the obvious candidate here, currently leading Jamie Vardy by three goals; it should be noted that four back stands Romelu Lukaku… who actually has three games in hand on young Kane. Plus you know, Aguero might score five in a match again just for fun.

Will Roy Hodgson pick the right England squad/team for this summer?
Here’s a tip Roy. No to starting Wayne Rooney over Kane or Vardy. And no taking Theo Walcott. And certainly no to taking Jack Wilshire. I don’t care how good he looked against Barcelona when he was 11; he hasn’t played all year and Drinkwater, Ali and Dier all deserve to be ahead of him.

Will anybody in the league be a worse signing ever, than Radamel Falcao?
It doesn’t matter that he was free. What matters is that Chelsea opted to bring on board an injured ravaged striker who’s best years were so far behind him you’d need a telescope to pick them out. And pay him £130,000 a week tax free. Falcao has scored five goals in forty matches since arriving in the Premier League. Whilst better than most strikers at Norwich, it is not a return which screams give him another season, as his agent is comically and tragically now requesting. He is currently the 75^th choice striker for Chelsea. Who have chosen to play their entire youth team and even inexplicably sign, nurse back to health and then play another injury prone striker ahead of him as well. 

Memphis Depay, come on lad, you can do this. Don't let Chelsea win even one thing this season...

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey