Week Eight - The Glory, The Shame & The Ranting.

Another bumper weekend of top flight action saw the usual ingredients of goals, drama and entertainment all thrown into a cash rich melting pot and served up with a side dish of controversy. So without further ado, let’s do what match of the day does every week, and start with the negatives…

The Bug Bear – Has the gap between football analysis ever been wider?

Discounting BT “Sport” (horribly mundane) and ITV (now just a condescending, if entertaining, boys club) – it is becoming increasingly apparent each week that the analysis being served up by the BBC on Match of the Day, is so far behind that offered by Sky that it is must now be considered terminal.

I’d love to sit here and blame Alan Shearer for everything, after all, he is terrible in every possible way you can judge someone. He is both stupid yet pompous, forthright yet inaccurate and obvious to the point of complete and utter pointlessness. However, I refuse to believe that the problem is as simple as the BBC just hiring worse people than Sky over and over again. The difference has to be in the message and the focus that is handed down each week. Andy Gray was already serving up analysis more insightful than anything Match of the Day had to offer before his scandal, but since then Sky have reimagined themselves under the guise of Neville, Chamberlin and Carragher. Monday Night Football is the best football analysis show on television bar none, and it has rippled through to all of Sky’s coverage to positive effect.

Let us compare this weekend. On Match of the Day we were served up a feast of attacking football from all the main games. Rather than focus on football however, five of the first six pieces of analysis all centred around controversial incidents. I wouldn’t mind so much if they discussed how these incidents subsequently shaped the game, but they didn’t. You literally got Alan Shearer showing us a replay of an incident we’d already seen three times during the highlights, and give us his meaningless opinion of whether it was right or wrong. The only piece that did focus on actual football, centred around the performance of Dusan Tadic for Saints. Did it show us unseen footage, some stats about his attacking coverage, average position, passes completed? No. It merely replayed the four goals he set up coupled with such expert punditry as “he’s made a great run there, and his cut back was perfect.”

Now let’s look at Sky’s coverage of the two games on Saturday, notably the magnificently barmy end to the Liverpool match. Did they just replay the goals back and idly comment on them? No. They rewound the footage and discussed how the goals had been created from step one. That was for starters, they then used previous footage and stats to back up what had happened (in this case, Liverpool’s woeful attempts to defend a set piece) and finally discussed future games, plans and strategies. Crucially, what they did, was actually analyse the football match and the key incidents within it. Rather than what Match of the Day does, which is replay the goals and red cards and essentially ask its two pundits yay or nay.

As a final point, can I also request that Match of the Day ban this conversation from ever taking place again. Because I have now, without exaggeration, heard this over 1,000 times:

Presenter: “A fantastic result, but the key question is… were Team A very good, or Team B very bad?”
Pundit: “For me, it was a bit of both”

OH FUCK OFF.

#teamsky

Stat of Week

Dusan Tadic and Graziano Pelle have thus far got 7 goals and 8 assists between them in 8 games this season; an average of 1.88 key interactions per game. The much touted Lallana and Lambert, by way of contrast, achieved their 22 goals and 22 assists at an average of 1.1 key interactions per game last season.

So to put it another way, Tadic and Pelle are giving Saints an extra 0.75 goals per game. The pair are five years younger than Lambert and Lallana and cost £11m less.

Weren’t Saints supposed to be in crisis…

Team of the Weak

Mannone – Conceded 8 goals, at least 4 of which were his own fault. Passed the ball to Tadic one minute, threw it in his own net the next. It’s hard to think of a worst goalkeeping performance in living memory.
Vergini – A wonderful half volley into the corner of the goal with his wrong foot. Shame it was his own goal. And that he conceded seven more following it…
O’Shea – The third Sunderland player to make the team, and in fairness I could have included all 11. Captained his team to their heaviest ever top flight loss in a performance so devoid of fight and effort it simply beggared belief.
Kaboul – It’s hard to believe that Pochettino took a look at all the defenders in his squad, bought three more and still made Kaboul the player to build the team around. Has he been possessed by Harry Redknapp?
Dunne – Ten own goals in the Premier League. Ten!? You just can’t argue with those numbers.
Moses – A shameless, shameless dive that ultimately helped win his team three points yesterday. A despicable cheat.
Arfield – Is showing none of the form that lit up the Championship last year and like pretty much the entire Burnley squad, looks badly, badly out of his depth.
Cazorla – Has gone backwards rapidly since his first season. Overshadowed by Ozil (for better or worse) last time around, Arsenal need him to step up amongst a mounting injury crisis.
Ulloa – Has looked a completely different player since destroying Manchester United last month. Looked tired and off the pace against Newcastle. Who are awful.
Balotelli – This isn’t going well is it Mario. I mean, I don’t want to say Sandra Redknapp would have scored that. But…
Costa – Ruining everybody’s fantasy football team. Especially those who didn’t have Aguero. Forget Chelsea, we’re the real victims here Vincent. Will you please stop selecting him for the national team? You have no right. You bastard.

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Week

This

http://fantasy.premierleague.com/entry/468900/event-history/8/

Manager of the Week

Ronald Koeman – Has retained the passing football of his predecessors and added an incisive, continental thrust at the end of it. Plus he has a face that just makes me want to smile every time I look at it. He’s so cheeky. Naughty even. I’ve said too much.

Worst Post Match Comments of the Week

Mark Hughes – “Ryan is the first person to be pulled up for that offence this year, so that suggests the referee was influenced by the media… for me it wasn’t a penalty and was very harsh” – followed by “Victor is running at pace, if you look at it again you’ll see the lads put his arm out, that’s impedement (not an actual word) and in my view it’s a foul. We can argue about all day, but if you impede someone in the box it’s a danger of getting a penalty”

So in one interview Mark got two decisions wrong and questioned the integrity of the referee. Who was apparently influenced by the media before the game, but not by the Stoke players/fans during it when it came to awarding them a penalty for a stonewall…  A STONE FUCKING WALL DIVE.

There are many, many hateable managers in football. But few provide so little humour as Hughes upon being so. The man is a despicable bastard.

What you may have missed

Neil Warnock still conducting post match interviews with the look of a man who cannot believe he’s here; Christian Eriksen and his dashing good looks single handily trying to help Spurs beat Sergio Aguero; Frank Lampard getting two assists in 20 minutes and then going off injured; so still doing more than the entire Arsenal midfield quartet against the worst defence in the league; Newcastle winning a game of football so boring and sub-standard one fan left after 4 minutes; Sunderland giving up after 12 minutes; Liverpool being carried by the young, tired legs of Raheem Sterling yet again and a nine goal thriller in the FA Trophy between two of the best named sides in the game… Kidsgrove Athletic and Loughborough Dynamo.

Dynamo. I mean seriously?

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Week Six - The Digested Read

With a second child on the horizon ready to throw my carefully organised world into a carelessly disorganised one, this will be my last blog for a few weeks. I’m sure you can survive next weekend without me. And I know you can survive England showing “all their attacking teeth” against San Marino the week after. But either way, let’s make this blog a good one. After all, we’ve just won the Ryder Cup. Again.

What I really want to talk about The Big Issue: Saints just keep on marching.

After a season filled with attacking flair, young English talent and a wonderful pressing game, Saints pushed Swansea every step of the way last year in aiming to become everyone’s second team. This season, they have rebuilt half the team, gone Dutch and are now the clear contenders to be everyone’s second team. They are, put simply, a joy to watch.

Saints fans were fearful in early August when Lovren had followed Shaw, Chambers, Lambert and Lallana out of the club. More so with Schneiderlin and Rodriguez set to join them. Koeman though never faltered, he held on to the final two, said he had plenty of young defenders coming through the academy and had already bought Tadic and Pelle to replace Lambert and Lallana. Those two have since been joined by Saido Mane and the three playing in tandem look as good as any in the league. Sluggish in his first two games, Pelle has since scored 5 goals in 6 and further improved his reputation with a preposterous overhead kick on Saturday. If Mane is direct, full of pace and power, then Tadic is the real main cog in this new look team. He is the type of footballer who’s first touch gives him a yard over everyone on the pitch. He treats the ball like an object not of leather, but of the finest bone china, caressing it tenderly, lovingly with each delicate strike of his boot.

Behind the forwards it’s easy to see why Koeman was most keen to retain the services of Schneiderlin. The Frenchman is a wonderful footballer and works brilliantly with the more industrial skills of Victor Wanayama or Jack Cork. Behind them Ryan Bertrand seems finally to have found a club where he belongs and Nathanial Clyne is the best English right back by such an embarrassing margin it’s beginning to get perverse that literally anyone from Liverpool or Man Utd continue to get selected above him. The underrated Fonte continues to impress centrally and both Yoshida and Alderwiered have been solid enough to be part of, thus far, once again the best defence in the league. It’s barely even been noticed that Saints also upgraded their keeper to the excellent and less erratic Fraser Forster.

Southampton are 2^nd in the table and will certainly not be overawed about the prospect of going to White Hart Lane this weekend to face their old manager. On this evidence, followed by further games against Sunderland, Stoke, Hull and Leicester… Saints are a much better bet for 4^th than anyone from Merseyside.

The Bug Bear

There are few more petty crimes committed each week then during the art of celebrating a goal. This weekend saw Nacer Chadli booked and warned that he “could have been sent off” for cupping his hand to his ear when he scored against Arsenal. Why exactly? Players get abused relentlessly by opposition fans during football matches, why on earth aren’t they allowed to give a little back when they prove them wrong? There is a line of course, but one that Chadli certainly didn’t cross and for the commentator to just say “he’s stupid there, you just can’t do that” is a sad and frankly pathetic indictment of the game. Indeed, compared to Lampard’s pathetic, humbled apology of a celebration last weekend it was a breath of fresh air. Personally I would rather an automatic yellow was given for a non-celebration rather than a passionate one. Footballers are overpaid and over privileged, but let’s not take away their ability to actually, truly care about scoring a fucking goal.

Team of the Weak

Heaton – Burnley’s defence crashed back down to earth this weekend. Heaton was beaten 4 times from a mere 6 shots and looked ill at ease throughout.
Mee – Sooner or later the complete inability of Burnley to score a goal was going to cause the pressure on the defence to finally buckle. That was Sunday.
Mangala – An own goal, a truly terrible tackle to concede a penalty and a name that has brought tabloid headliners out in a rash with excitement.
Michael Dawson – Hull had one of the better defences last year and it wasn’t an area of the team that cried out for strengthening. They opened the season with a clean sheet and were unlucky to concede a late equaliser in their second match whilst playing with 10 men. Since then, Michael Dawson has come in and helped the Tigers ship 10 goals in 4 matches. I mean, I don’t want to point fingers…
Trippier - A third Burnley stopper makes the team. Trippier was much touted for his attacking play before promotion. Something we have seen precisely nothing of since the season started. Although in fairness to the lad, we have seen precisely nothing from the entire team in that area.
Cleverley – This was more like it Tom. Misplaced passed, needless booking, game passing you by. This is what United fans knew and loved. Thanks for reminding us again.
Vardy – Last week’s hero was this week’s fall guy. Missed a guilt edged chance, got booked, watched his side get overpowered and lose.
Fer – I’m not entirely sure what Fer is supposed to do. He seems to play in a free number 10 role, yet averages a goal or assist every 500 minutes. Which is bloody awful. Are people buying him just because he’s Dutch?
Rooney – A quietly impressive 45 minutes was undone by a laughably crap and cynical foul on Downing. Won’t play for his club again until November, and Juan Mata is better anyway, so nobody is really bothered.
Wickham – Could be a staple fixture in this feature if Sunderland continue to look as toothless as this. Can’t buy a goal at present.
Welbeck – Looked tired, off the pace and never really got going. Who does he think he is, Giroud?

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Week

Gloating at halftime that you took the decision to captain Rooney over Costa this week.

Non Argument of the Week

Steven Gerrard SILENCES critics with free kick. Those would, er, be the critics who said the only thing he can still do is strike a dead ball then? Well… that’s us told.

Manager of the Week

Alan Irvine. Back to back wins. Back to back clean sheets. Vibrant, attacking football. Er, where has this come from?

Worst Post Match Comments of the Week

The remarkable interview with both Big Sam and Kevin Nolan who tore apart the linesman for correctly awarding his goal as offside against Man Utd. First the manager said “it was just offside, but, he must have been superhuman to see it from there.” He then took a breath and seemed to change his mind to “no, he’s dropped a bollock, for me it’s onside.” This was followed by Nolan saying “you could see him blowing where he couldn’t keep up with play, it was a poor decision and I was definitely onside.”

Crucially Kevin, you weren’t. And regardless of whether the linesman saw it, took a punt or an educated guess, he got the decision right. Nothing else ultimately matters.

Quote of the Week

Arsene Wenger on his sides 8^th injury crisis in 8 years:
“I don’t know. We’ll have to analyse. There’s no logic to it.”

Perhaps continuously signing lightweight players made of glass and teaching them pass, pass, pass, pass in every training session isn’t always ideal when it comes to physical matches? Just a guess. I’m no expert. But we are kind of going round in circles here Arsene.

What you have missed

Europe retaining the Ryder Cup. Sky putting a match on Sunday that almost nobody cared about so that we could all watch Europe retaining the Ryder Cup. One defender walking out on Brendan Rodgers and another one hitting him with a 30 yard, derby day piledriver. Manchester United defending like desperate dogs against the might of West Ham at home. Edin Dzeko rolling back the months to last season. Alan Pardew still being in a job. Portsmouth being debt free six years after Harry Redknapp left them in “excellent shape.” Chelsea winning the Premier League Title in September. Frank Lampard scoring four goals in a week. None of which were for Chelsea. Ronaldo coming “home” to Manchester United. Every week. In every paper. Only he won’t. Ever.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Week Five - The Shocks, the Spills, the Shite

Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a Weekend

The Shocks Digested:

After four weeks of average to solid fare, the Premier League exploded to life this weekend with a set of results that defied reason and with an entertainment factor that went right up to 11. 31 goals, red cards, wonder strikes, high end drama... none of this was seen at Turf Moor. But the other 9 games all served up more shocks than a 70s mental hospital.

Here were the top 5:

QPR 2 - Stoke 2. Having scored just three goals between them so far, QPR and Stoke served up an end to end feast with late drama to boot. And Mark Hughes escaped alive.
Everton 2 - Crystal Palace 3. Palace hadn’t won a game yet and Neil Warnock’s side have been playing with the handbrake off since replacing the irreplaceable, yet defensive Tony Pulis. The former Blades boss looks like he plans to enjoy his final fling with the Premier League. Meanwhile, Everton look great going forward and terrible at the back. Something which they are far from alone in...
Newcastle 2 - Hull 2. A dramatic comeback spared Alan Pardew for another week as Cisse came off the bench to fire Newcastle to a draw after two absolute wonder goals looked to have condemned the Anti-Christ back to Hell.
West Ham 3 - Liverpool 1. 3 defeats from 5 and no points against Villa and West Ham have tempered Liverpool fans expectations. The team looks impotent whenever Sterling isn’t on the ball and it doesn’t seem to matter who plays, they always concede. Meanwhile West Ham continue their fine early season form and those calling for Big Sam to be sacked have gone a little quiet. Alex Song... seriously how was he allowed to move to West fucking Ham.
Leicester 5 - Man Utd 3. Utd losing a game is hardly a shock these days, but even by their recent standards this was a new benchmark in implosion. Two goals up, twice, they were torn apart by a player who was in the conference three years ago. Each week Utd manage to find new ways to sink lower and lower into the bog. What next? A six nil home defeat by West Ham? Frankly what would be the biggest shock right now, is this side putting together a run of results that suggest anything but a mid-table finish.

Alternative Shock of the Weekend:

Spurs 0 - West Brom 1. Spurs losing 1 nil at home after a Europa league game is pretty much fair game. But to this West Brom side? Come on lads... seriously?

Manager of the Weekend:

Nigel Pearson. What an absolutely phenomenal job he has done for Leicester. One hopes for all of football that when they do have a bad run, he receives nothing but total and utter support from this club.

Villain of the Weekend:


Frank Lampard. I honestly thought he was about to cry. In fact I’m pretty sure he did. I wouldn’t want to be his wife with John Terry coming over after that goal.

Fantasy Football disaster of the Weekend:

A very solid looking back five of De Gea, Zabaleta, Ivanovic, Evans and Jagielka. Getting you 1 point between them...

Quote of the Weekend:

“Chelsea played like Stoke” - Pellegrini. Over to you Hughesy...

Team of the Weak:

De Gea - Conceded five goals, got nowhere near two penalties and distribution was again woeful. Looks to have morphed back to the keeper during his first month with the club and badly in need of some tlc. Or, alternatively, two actual centre backs.

Skertel - Continues to play like a POW who’s just escaped for 90 minutes and can’t believe his luck. It’s a good job Liverpool didn’t just sell a player who’s much better...
Tyler Blackett - So out of his depth it hurts to watch. And then once Chris Smalling came on he really did have no chance.
Cissokho - Presumably forgot he now played for Villa and not Liverpool. Torn apart in ten minutes by a man who last played well in 2012. (Citation: also a 42m World Cup Winner)

Distin - Possibly the most underrated centre back in Premier League history. But the time has come to take him out to pasture...
Barton - Swanned around, took a few rubbish free kicks, got injured, has rubbish hair.

Tiote - Commits 1000 fouls a match, doesn’t protect the defence, never scores. He’s like an even worse version of John Obi Mikel.

Lamela - That second coming... or even first one... hasn’t really come yet has it.
Gerrard - Continues to be played in the role that Lucas was born for. Is in the side to take the penalties won by diving forwards. Which given Pool bought Lambert and Balotelli, makes him now completely pointless.
Bony - Yet to score this season, now sent off. Slow clap.

Jutkiewicz - Seriously this guy is shit. Burnley, even I want you to score a bloody goal now. You’re letting yourself down, you’re letting The Tudors down. Man up.

What you may have missed:
Me failing to even mention my two favourite neutral teams, Swansea and Southampton because their game was bloody awful. Di Maria’s outrageous, simply outrageous goal before all hell broke loose. Ben Foster making a single save. David de Gea making no saves. A Liverpool full back getting injured for the 847th time in the last 2 years. Leighton Baines still scoring penalties. At least 80 minutes of the Man City v Chelsea game. Danny Welbeck currently outscoring Radamel Falcao. Mrs Frank Curran being top of the fantasy football league with “no outside help.” And finally, just to repeat it one more time, a Leicester City forward who played in the conference on this day three years ago, scoring 1 and assisting 4 as his team beat Manchester United by 5 goals to 3.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Week Four - The Key Issues

This week’s blog has been re-financed by Monaco tax laws and, as such, changes direction once more to bring you a smattering of football related titbits in an ever more obvious attempt to be cynically entertaining.

So let’s crack on.

How much does it Costa to win the title?

Around £60m to be precise. For that money, Chelsea secured the two players available who would improve their team, and in particular the style in which Jose plays, more than any others. The season may be only four games old, but barring injury you’d be hard pushed to find an intelligent football fan betting against the following outcomes.

Chelsea to win the league.
Costa to finish top scorer.
Fabregas to have the most assists.
Both players to be on the shortlist for footballer of the year.

Costa has scored 7 in 4, Fabregas has assisted 5 of those, with a further 2 to boot. The two of them haven’t so much hit the ground running, but at full pelt chasing down Usain Bolt. Chelsea play Man City next and the early feeling is already that City have to win to have even a glimmer of finishing above this machine come May.

Team of the Weak

Rob Green – Let in the first three shots on target which Man Utd had, one of which wasn’t even a shot. With Rangers having added to their keeper roster as one of their 2,385 FFP sponsored summer signings, this is probably the last we’ve seen of Rob for a while.
Rio Ferdinand – Slating Moyes, Cole and Terry en route. Rio quite literally turned up, thanked the fans… and then let them thank him for 90 minutes. Awful.
Alberto Moreno – Already looks every bit as offensively strong, defensively weak and error prone as every other Liverpool full back for the past decade.
Fabricio Coloccini – A fine defender who’s form is going roughly in the same direction as his manager’s career. Inability to now run faster than 5mph is not ideal.
Santiago Vergini – Exposed by the pace and trickery of Spurs all game. Booked, conceded two goals, has a silly name.
Scott Arfield – Yet another penalty miss for a promoted side desperate to claim 3 points. It’s just not hard boys. You step up… and score. Please go and watch Baines, Lambert or any German bar Ozil for a few hours, come back and try again.
Jason Puncheon – Like many in the most forgettable game of the day. Puncheon missed chances, couldn’t pass the ball well in the final third and got booked needlessly. Plus we’ll always have that penalty to think about…
Lazar Markovic - £20m for a winger who can’t cross. Slow clap.
Mesut Ozil – even in a wildly entertaining game filled with creativity, pace and effort. Mesut Ozil managed to show none of those qualities. The dazzling form he showed two years for Madrid is fast becoming a distant memory.
Mario Balotelli – Notable only for not reacting to being kicked. Balotelli was as forgettable as a meal at KFC. He couldn’t even be bothered to leave you with that slightly sick feeling you sometimes get in your stomach a few hours later.
Connor Wickham – It’s almost as if his form at the end of last season was a complete aberration in an otherwise supremely average career…

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Week

Anybody still sat there thinking “I’m not going to bring Costa in…”

Quote of the Week

Rio - “We loved our chips, but Moyes comes in and says we can’t have chips any more. Moyes had been gone 20 minutes (after his sacking) and one of the lads says “you know what? We’ve got to get onto Giggsy. We’ve got to get our fucking chips back.””

Well that’s cleared up that 10 months then…

What you may have missed

Any semblance of sense, point or at least something associated with the English language spoken by John Motson in his match of the day commentary. Man Utd reject Tom Cleverley dominating the midfield for Aston Villa. Man Utd reject Shinji Kagawa dominating the midfield for Borussia Dortmund. The bookies stopping taking bets on West Brom to be relegated already. The new look “attacking” Stoke being the lowest scorers in the league. Newcastle being absolutely terrible yet again. Tadic and Pelle playing much better than Lallana and Lambert. The Monday night football game being Hull vs West Ham. It hasn’t happened yet. But let’s be honest here…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Transfer Window - The Monkey View

The Transfer Window – The Key Issues

As the Premier League takes a break, leaving us with nothing but the relentless drudgery of international football to endure, I look back on the transfer window and a dramatic deadline day to cast my scornful eye over the winners and losers on a club by club basis.

Arsenal

Leaving it later than a London train, Arsene Wenger and Arsenal finally moved to secure a striker on deadline day, snapping up the services of £16m Danny Welbeck. With Sanchez and Chambers already secure, as well as retaining their key players for once, Wenger is entitled to be happy with his work. Welbeck is young, experienced and mobile and is, on paper, exactly the sort of player who should be playing in the number 9 role for Arsenal. The caveat to that is he’s far from a proven finisher and one hopes this is his “Daniel Sturridge moment.” If not, he can always do a job out wide and complete with the 382 other players that Wenger has in those areas…

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Aston Villa

It’s hard to not look at Villa’s transfers as a group of players all deemed not good enough by their departed clubs. Joe Cole, Cissokho, Richardson, Senderos and the late, late, late capture of Tom Cleverley on loan. None of these players possess even an iota of “wow” factor but at least bring experience to a callow squad. Villa have started the season well and if Lambert can blend the youth with the proven mediocrity he has purchased… Villa might be even more impossibly boring than ever.

Star Quality:            * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * *

Burnley

The promoted champions have not got carried away over the summer. They have not stretched budget and have brought solid, unspectacular squad players to try and retain their Premier League status. It is hard to see any of them though doing enough to keep the Clarets in the top flight though. I mean, if you can’t even beat Manchester United, you’ll probably going to go down.

Star Quality:            *

Value for Money:     * * * * *

Overall Business:     *

Chelsea

Nobody has done better in the window that Chelsea. Taking the second best squad in the league to begin with, Jose has added the best striker, midfielder and left back that were available and has managed to finish the window with almost a net profit thanks to the ridiculous deal that took David Luiz to PSG. Chelsea are likely to win the league by ten points and when the awards for player of the year are being dealt out, look no further than Fabregas and Costa. In the words of Alan Partridge… scum, sub human scum.

Star Quality:            * * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * * 

Overall Business:     * * * * *

Crystal Palace

Given the appointment of Neil Warnock, NOT getting Paddy Kenny on the books has to be seen as a major triumph. Elsewhere, Palace have added youth and pace with the signings of Campbell, Kelly, Fryers and Zaha, whilst also throwing in the defensive nous of Brede Hangeland for a laugh. None of those signings are as good as simply keeping Tony Pulis would have been, but Palace still have enough quality in the squad to dream of 17t
h.
Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Everton

Retaining the loan signings from last year was the main item on the agenda and Everton have paid handsomely for Barry and Lukaku to do so.  Elsewhere Martinez has gone African with the signings of “now or never” former Ghana youth prodigy Christan Atsu and proven goal poacher Samuel Eto’o. For whom a generous two year deal will take him past his 40th birthday…

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Hull

No team had a more dramatic deadline day than Hull who purchased Mohammed Diame, Abel Hernandez, Gaston Ramirez and Hatem Ben Arfa in a flurry of late drama. Indeed, Hull added ten new players to their books in all which would have made a bit more sense had they done so before being dumped out of Europe rather than after. As it is, how Steve Bruce will fit in so many new attacking players in his side is anyone’s guess. Unlike some teams though, it should at least be fun to watch him try.

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * * *

Leicester

Only Burnley rivalled Leicester for the most underwhelming Transfer Window. At least the Foxes added younger, sprightly versions of their fellow relegation contenders. Mark Albrighton, Danny Simpson and Nick Powell all have points to prove. Whilst Leonardo Ulloa has already hit the ground running despite never playing in the Premier League before. Although credit where credit is due for the complete wildcard that is Esteban Cambiasso. Leicester will need all their new signings to bed in fast, especially at the back, if they are still to be playing top flight football this time next year.

Star Quality:            * 
*
Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * *

Liverpool

The key questions at Liverpool is can Lallana, Lambert, Markovic & Balotelli do better combined than Luis Suarez managed on his own? Only time will tell if Rodgers approach of going for moderately expensive, mid-range talents in addition to the lottery that is Mario Balotelli will bear fruit. Liverpool certainly seem to have bought well at the back where Lovren and Manquillo are large improvements on the likes of Toure and Johnson. But with the exception of the late move for the entertaining Italian, none of the signings have screamed “must have” and work is to be done to convince people that Liverpool can maintain, let alone improve on, last year’s form.

Star Quality:            * * * (*) – extra star for super Mario factor

Value for Money:     * * 

Overall Business:     * * *

Man City

With a gentle nod towards Financial Fair Play, City have paid over the odds for Mangala whilst also securing the services of Caballero, Fernando, Sagna and Zuculini. Contractually obliged to sign at least one Englishman, City have “borrowed” Frank Lampard for a laugh. City had the strongest squad at the start of the summer and only Chelsea have gone past them since the window slammed shut. Keeping their spine fit and playing, will be the key to maintaining another challenge for the top prize.

Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * (*) – one star knocked off for the perverse hanging on to of Scott Sinclair

Man Utd

They left it late and it cost them an arm, a leg and most of the body to boot, but Manchester United emerged from the transfer window with a significantly better squad than what they started. The squad remains thin in defence, but swapping Evra, Rio, Cleverly, Kagawa, Nani and Welbeck  for Shaw, Rojo, Herrera, Blind, Di Maria & Falcao is a massive upgrade whichever way you do the maths. Having started the season in appalling form, Van Gaal has a huge job on his hands to marry the new egos to those of his existing “stars” and put together a team which now simply has to finish at least 4th come May.

Star Quality:            * * * * *

Value for Money:     * 

Overall Business:     * * * *

Newcastle Utd

Newcastle started the summer doing what looked, on paper, to be some very good business. A slow start to the season has thus far detracted from the obvious quality of Cabella, de Jong and Janmaat. Those three signings however, able replacements in the full back and attacking midfield areas, can’t mask the continue deficiencies up front. Deficiencies which, going out on a limb, haven’t been fully solved by the sole purchase of Emmanuel Riviere, a striker who averages less than a goal every four appearances and has, thus far, one miss-hit assist to his name.

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * *

QPR

You’ve got to hand it to Harry, nobody attacks Deadline Day with the same sort of gusto. It’s almost as if Harry still believes that if he doesn’t make a signing he’ll never be allowed to do so again. All manner of past players were targeted by Redknapp, not least Jermaine Defoe, before he finally settled on Sandro and, inexplicably, Niko Kranjcar. Who presumably now just takes a massive holiday each summer and turns his phone back on again for Harry to give him a buzz on Deadline Day. Elsewhere Harry added Caulker (sound), Rio (strange) and Isla (surreal) to his books along with a myriad of others that I can’t be bothered to list here. Well played though Harry. And don’t think we didn’t notice that cheeky enquiry about Younes Kaboul either.

Star Quality:            * * *

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * * *

Saints

Manchester United aside, no club was more discussed during the transfer window than Southampton. Letting some 14 players go including the entire spine of the team that shone last time around, Saints were criticised from pillar to post before putting their hands back in their pockets and coming out of the window none too shabby. Bertrand, Forster, Long, Gardos, Pelle and Tadic all look like very solid signings, even if Saphir Taider was sent back in strange circumstances. Some very talented players from the fabled academy still remain and whilst Saints will do well to push on from last season, they certainly have no reason to fear a relegation fight.

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Stoke 

A real mixed bag. Hughes added the stabling presence of Steve Sidwell to his troops, along with the well-seasoned Phil Bardsley. He also managed to re-secure the impressive Oussama Assaidi on loan, as well as the former Manchester United strike Mame Diouf. He has also gambled though, on the now serial loan reject Victor Moses and Football Manager player of the year 2011 Bojan Krkic. Who already looks badly out of his depth in a league both faster and more physical than he would surely like. Stoke fans will be happy though, with the signings in the most showing the way towards a more attacking style of play. Stoke have a solid and balanced squad and, as they proved this weekend, will be a match for anyone on their day.

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * *

Sunderland

After a slow start, Gus Poyet added an eclectic mix of local and imported talent to his recent relegation survivors. Van Aanholt, Jones and Gomez all look like excellent additions to the squad and it’s nice to see Jack Rodwell being bought by a side with the intention of actually playing him. It’s about time Sunderland found a settled team though. The Wearsiders having purchased a frankly offensive THIRTY FIVE players in the last 3 years… and it’s about time some of them hung around and did their jobs.

Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Swansea

Recovered well from the losses of Davies and (more bizarrely) Vorm, along with the total abandonment of Michu. Tom Carroll is an underrated prospect and Gomis and Montero will add pace and power to a side already filled with it. The real coup though was the resigning of Gylfi Sigurdsson, who already looks to be on a one man mission to show Spurs what they could have had it they’d only played him in the right position.

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * * *

Overall Business:     * * * *

Tottenham

Possibly the quietest transfer window in Spurs history as they looked to sign exclusively full backs, before throwing in a midfielder nobody had heard of at the last minute seemingly at random. Still, given they signed 800 people last summer…

Star Quality:            * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * *

West Brom

After the most underwhelming managerial appointment of the summer, West Brom followed that up with a scattergun approach to transfer targets. It’s hard to marry up the purchases of say, Chris Baird, with that of Brown Ideye. Or to comprehend the signings of three right backs, included World Cup Star Cristian Gamboa… alongside the bringing in of Georgios Samaras. I don’t want to suggest the scouts were throwing dart boards at a Football Manager spreadsheet… but that is frankly what it looks like.

Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * *

West Ham

Amalfitano, Valencia, Zarate… it’s safe to say that Big Sam was under pressure to deliver attacking players and despite a woeful opening defeat to Spurs, it’s hard to make a case for anyone bar Chelsea having a better window than West Ham. The midfielder Cheikhou Kouyate is a phenomenal talent and Aaron Cresswell the best defender in the Championship last year. West Ham have bought pace and power to augment their current attack of power and er… permanent injuries. They’ve even bought Alex Song? Star of the greatest gif of all time (below) and, crucially, a genuinely world class player. In truth, I’m not sure anyone wanted to see this.

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * * * *

Song thinks Puyol wants him to hold his hand… he doesn’t… it’s the little smile that makes it

http://footyreflex.com/gif/alex-song-trolled-at-barcelona-trophy-celebration/

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Week Three - The Key Issues

The Big Issue - Everton. The defence rests.

For the third successive week Everton were involved in the highest scoring match of the day. A preposterous 6-3 defeat to Chelsea took their total match day haul to 17 goals since the season began, and has thus far earned them the unlikely status as this years great entertainers. The problem for Everton fans though, will be that 10 of those goals have been shipped into their own net. Everton have never looked better going forward in the Premier League era than they do right now. The creative talents of Miralles, Pienaar, Barkley, Lukaku, Osman and the criminally underrated Naysmith all swarm with waspish intent no matter which quartet are picked each week to find holes in the oppositions defence. Seven goals in three games is just reward for such talent, but goals matter for little when you’re letting them in by the bucket loads behind you.

Few teams have had more stable back lines over the past five years than Everton. Martinez did little to change the rear guard which David Moyes built and instead set his sights on improving Everton higher up the pitch (as well as introducing a passing game). But that back line is now showing serious signs of age. Sylvain Distin has been one of the biggest unsung hero’s of the premier league era, but he is turning 37 in December and quite simply cannot go on forever. Alongside him both Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines appear to have arrived back home with a World Cup hangover. At 29 and 32 both have probably already peaked and it is worrying that they have yet to get into their stride. Coleman, offensively, remains the best right back in the league alongside the towering colossus that is Branislav Ivanovic. But he remains callow when being attacked and was guilty of several errors during a defeat that laid the foundations of the team bare for all to see. Behind the back four, Tim Howard remains a solid, if occasionally enigmatic presence. The big American has rarely been more than 10 games away from a howler, and was lucky not to be sent off on Saturday. Twice.

It was certainly hard to see this coming when Everton were 2-0 up with barely ten minutes left to Arsenal last week. But since then they have shipped 8 goals in less than two hours and now have two must win games on the horizon before the annual battering at Anfield. With two days left of the transfer window it is unlikely that Everton will look to strengthen. They have the talented John Stones in reserve and the case for him to start now looks stronger than ever. Beyond that though, they are very thin. Tony Hibbert remains on the books and so, apparently, does Antolin Alcaraz. The Paraguayan player recently likened his career at Everton to “being in prison,” which hardly bodes well for his reintroduction (there is a massive, massive pun in here somewhere which I’m too tired to make).

The big issue of course, is whether or not this decline is terminal. The season remains young and Everton have hardly had an easy start. But if they are to get anywhere near the heights they achieved last year, they will need to correct the problems at the back urgently.  Any more of this and even Lawro might predict more than 1 goal.

Alternative Game of the Weekend:

Newcastle 3 Palace 3. An absolute belter. Neil Warnock, the Premier League welcomes you back to its hallowed shores.

Manager of the Weekend:

Brendan Rodgers. People are quick to jump on Liverpool’s defensive frailties as a sign of weakness in Rodgers. Whilst that might be true, he remains a shrewd tactician and consistently tore teams to shreds last season by working out what system would cause them the most trouble. He could certainly do with some Jose re-training at the back, but he proved again today that, as an attacking coach, he is arguably the finest in the league.

Person most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:

Any of the defenders who scored in the St James Park goalfest. Utterly shirking their main job to pop up at the other end and do what literally any Newcastle striker is unable to do.

Actual player of the Weekend:

Gylfi Sigurdsson. Deemed not good enough to be given a chance as chief string puller for Spurs, the Icelandic international has been in scintillating form since returning to the Welsh coast. His display at the weekend was like Beethoven in his prime. Or, you know, whoever conducts Beethoven in his prime.

Ok so I was well out of my depth with that analogy.

Fantasy Football disaster of the Weekend:

Loading your attack with Man City players, captaining Aguero and laughing as Manchester United failed at lunchtime...

Journalistic Quote of the Weekend:

“City are trying to find a way to sign the £55m Falcao whilst sticking to Financial Fair Play...”

Manager Quote of the Weekend:

Jose Mourinho - “I spent 90 minutes with my defence drilling them for this game. I should have stayed home with my wife.”

What you may have missed:
A feast of attacking football from Manchester United’s £150m frontline. A feast of attacking football from Manchester City’s £150m frontline. Nathan Dyer being the best English winger never to receive even a token call up. Saints finally shaking off their summer blues. Aston Villa being 3rd in the table. Javier Hernandez not being deemed good enough for Man Utd, but moving to second tier team Real Madrid instead. Yaya Sanogo giving a performance that would have made Carlton Cole blush. Another human being possessing the same first name as Yaya Toure. Ryan Bird being top of my Fantasy Football League and finally, Gary Linker’s absolutely fucking god awful to hell and back facial hair on Match of the Day.

Which was still better than Phil Neville.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Week Two - The Key Issues

The Big Issue - It’s not the players Arsene, it’s you.

And, well, the players. But we’ll come to that. Everton were once again involved in the game of the weekend, by virtue of goals, entertainment and drama if not actual quality. And whilst I’ll no doubt cover the poetic grace of Seamus Coleman, twinkling feet of Kevin Miralles and lumbering blind alley running of Romelu Lukaku at a later date... for now I’d like to focus on Arsenal.

Each and every year Wenger proudly boasts that this time his squad is capable of challenging for the title... and each and every year they come up short. This season, he added the star quality of Alexis Sanchez to his merry band of midfield maestros, upgraded from the French reserve right back to the actual French right back and snaffled upcoming star Calum Chambers from the much pillaged Southampton Youth Academy. The problem, is that none of that matters when Wenger has about as much tactical flexibility as a bunch of Sunday leaguers who still play 4-4-2 because “that’s the English way.” It’s all very well saying that Sanchez can play through the middle, but that is completely pointless if he’s going to play as a ball retaining number 9 aka Olivier Giroud. He is not that player and never well be, regardless of whether or not he’s fully fit. Wenger wants to have his cake and eat it by trying to emulate the Barca midfield template, whilst also having a big man up top to pump it long to. The second tactic might make more sense if Wenger had the striker resource of Manchester City (or even Manchester United) but he doesn’t. He has Giroud, followed by nobody else of proven quality and has thus far steadfast refused to purchase a new striker. Despite it being obvious to everyone in the entire solar system that he needs one.

Wenger could easily put out a team of Ramsey, Ozil, Cazorla, Walcot/Ox and Sanchez with Flamini sitting. The 5 midfielders, all well capable of playing quick, interlinking passing football, could rotate fluidly like the great Spain did prior to this World Cup. Ramsey has developed into a superb box to box midfielder and could burst from deep to enjoy the space created by a false 9. But the system doesn’t work when he sticks rigidly to a 4-3-3 which provides no cover for his fullbacks, no main focal point (if Giroud doesn’t play) and doesn’t allow the creative talents of Ozil and Cazorla to roam. It was no surprise then, that following Giroud’s arrival Arsenal looked a lot more dangerous. Scraping a draw they barely deserved and returning back home with a share of the spoils. This was a really poor game though, with a staggering 38 misplaced passes in the first half alone, and it smacked of two teams still hung over from the World Cup.

Arsenal will not win the title this year, or indeed any major trophy until Wenger allows some tactical flexibility within his ranks. Each and every week you see teams change the system as well as the players if things aren’t working. Wenger never, ever does. If things aren’t going well, all he will ever do is make like for like replacements until the final and inevitable whistle comes. Arsenal got out of jail this weekend. But with bigger and more vital tests to come over the course of the year, you sense they won’t get that lucky again unless they can either do something different, or actually buy a proper, world class centre forward.

And seriously what is with that kit? If it was any tighter it would be a wet suit. I’m pretty sure Sanchez couldn’t breathe...

Alternative Game of the Weekend:

Aston Villa v Newcastle. Two teams at the absolute pinnacle of their defensive power. Alan Hutton, Phillippe Senderos, Paul Dummett. A treat for paint dry watchers everywhere.

Potential Signing of the Weekend:

Angel Di Maria. Rumoured to be costing Manchester United a preposterous £63m, there are two things to remember here. One, is that United have been found to be wanting, with their pants down and desperate to pay over the odds for any top player on offer. Second, Di Maria is a top, top player. And no fee should detract from that fact. A player who was the best on the pitch in the Champions League final and voted the player of the season for Real last time around. The Argentinian will instantly be the finest player on the park when he meets his new team mates, and that is just about the only thing that matters.

Potential Gamble of the Weekend:

Mario Balotelli. £16m, certainly when compared to the above, appears to be an absolute steal for a player who is proven class. But aside from the fact that Liverpool appear to be collecting the World’s best penalty takers, this signing effectively amounts to taking £16m to Vegas and placing it all on black.

That is not a racist joke. Please don’t report me.

Although I could probably have used a better analogy.

Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:

Tom Huddlestone. Coasted through against the superior numbers of Stoke with a glazed “I can’t believe they’re playing this badly” look in his eye. Teed up the goal, casually stroked a few passes around with wand of right foot. Once broke into a run.

Actual Player of the Weekend:

Erik Lamela. Who? Exactly. Remember the name...

Quote of the Weekend:

Harry Redknapp on Malky Mackay “he’s not a murderer, a rapist or paedophile... he’s a great lad. He’s just made a mistake. People make mistakes in life and he shouldn’t be hung for that”

Harry, let me break it down to you nice and clear. It’s not about making a “mistake” here. A mistake is when you fall over and break something. A mistake is people who don’t know the difference between your and you’re. A mistake is playing Tom Cleverley in a football match. A mistake is not “being a racist”. That’s called, being a fucking racist.

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:

Having James Chester on your bench in Week One. And having him as your captain in Week Two.

Unexpected Goal Feast of the Weekend:

Crystal Palace 1, West Ham 3. Seriously? Who saw that one coming? Certainly not Big Sam. I mean, even Carlton Cole scored!? I know. Carlton. Cole.

This guy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4laIHVZtBKE

Move of the Weekend:

Nacer Chadli’s second goal in Spurs 4-0 victory was preceded by a staggering 48 consecutive passes. 48!? Stop it lads.

What you may have missed:

Aston Villa not getting a shot on target. Everton & Arsenal scoring 4 goals from just 5 shots on target. Southampton and West Brom doing all they could to beat Villa & Newcastle to the final MOTD slot. Charlie Austin not even being in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Rio Ferdinand wishing he hadn’t been in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Barcelona coasting to an easy win with 10 men (for a laugh) in their first La Liga match. Tom Cleverley apparently finding a team mate with a pass. Leighton Baines growing his hair out. Mauricio Pochettino taking a lot less time than Louis Van Gaal to install a new way of playing. And finally, Derby County battering Fulham to make it four losses on the spin for the seemingly doomed Cottagers.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey