Amphibious – Brian Yuzna

(the sporting guru takes time out to review a really bad horror movie as a favour for a friend. The Monkey would like to reassure his loyal fan base that this is a mere sideshow from his day job of reviewing Premier League football... but it is the close season... and he may toss out a review of Sharknado 2 as well)

You are what it eats

As a general rule, there are three types of creature feature film. The good. The bad. And the so bad they’re good. Amphibious, the latest offering from Brian Yuzna, is not good. It’s not even bad. Infact, it’s so far past bad that it goes all the way around so bad it’s good and back again.

That’s right. Amphibious is so bad it’s bad. A new level of feature film ineptitude. 

The problems with the film are vast. That the cast can’t act is taken as a given for a low budget creature feature. But they don’t ever appear to be trying here. It’s like they know they’ll never make it past the straight to DVD section of their careers and have resigned themselves to this fate long ago. The lead actress is passable, despite an accent that wanders more often than the errant camerawork. The villains however, are caricatures of caricatures. And the romantic lead is about as romantic as the giant scorpion he is eventually killed by.

It’s hard to summarise a plot that makes no sense. There is a giant sea scorpion which has apparently been created by a mixture of the Tsunami and unexplained witchcraft. For no reason I could fathom, it attacks a group of smugglers and child labourers who seem to live on a large floating raft. Early on the second in command is killed and it takes a full 24 hours for anyone to notice. Despite them all living on a large… floating… raft. Elsewhere a child is killed by a blow to the head, yet wakes up several hours later to deliver some final, meaningless words. Blood still fresh and flowing on his wound. He then dies in 2 seconds flat. There is also something going on about a lost daughter, and a character who is fat and clumsy and spectacularly unfunny. Oh and around 20% of the entire movie is just an ominous shot of the same patch of water not moving. I’ll be honest, within twenty minutes I was rooting for the Scorpion.

But you don’t watch a film called Amphibious for the plot, you watch it for the gore (plentiful, mostly absurd), nudity (almost nil, one pair of clearly cgi boobs mid-impalement) and sense of humour (completely absent). And, of course, for the monster. Amphibious doesn’t have the worst monster you’ve ever seen (step forward Son of Godzilla), but it’s far from the best. The CGI is competent but the genetic make-up of the monster make little sense, given it moves like a Scorpion on land but appears to then morph into a squid in the water. There is also far too much stinger impalement and too little savage claw dismemberment for my liking. 

The main problem with the film, other than the obvious fact that it’s complete and utter shit, is that Amphibious is not interesting enough to sustain its initial premise. It is devoid of humour and appears to be taking it’s over complicated, overly stupid plot seriously. That it’s racists, sexist and homophobic is almost an afterword by comparison. If you’ve been unlucky/stupid enough to endure the entire film, you’ll be further treated to an end that only makes things ever more confusing than before.

It’s been a long time since Re-Animator, and Brian Yuzna doesn’t look he’s going to strike gold again anytime soon. Amphibious is boring, senseless, witless and terrible in almost every conceivable way. Hell, at one point I even found myself wishing Tara Reid was in it just so I could laugh.

*

Five Things We Learnt From The World Cup Knockouts

1. The goal gods were saving themselves?

The group stages saw a record number of goals scored. 136 in total at an average of almost 3 per match. Owing to a number of factors; the oppressive heat, nervousness, better defending, awful finishing, the continued presence of Argentina in the tournament… said goals dried up like a desert as soon as we entered the business end of the tournament.  Excluding the “rout of Belo Horizonte” there have been a miserable 24 goals scored in 13 knockout games. The bottom half of the draw has seen Holland and Argentina play the last 450 minutes between them for a single, hit and hope effort. A good job then for that semi-final in Belo. Proving that in the desert, when it rains… it really does pour.

2. Brazil should be ashamed & embarrassed. But…
The score line is not as significant as people think. The crucial, take home factor here is that Brazil lost the match. Losing it 1-0 in the 119^th minute, being beaten 4-3 in an end to end thriller or being routed 7-1 by vastly superior opposition all deliver different versions of despair. But they all have the same overriding feels of loss and disappointment. In the context of Brazil and the World Cup, yes this result was historic, but in terms of football in general over the past 4 years? Not really. Routs are becoming much more common place at the highest level as the semi-finals of the Champions League have shown of late. Such is the attacking talent that the top teams now possess, if they get 1 or 2 gone are the days when they sit back and protect the lead. Teams go for the jugular more than ever and if being hammered by a rival meant the end of your football pedigree, Arsenal would have long since collapsed and given up by now. At the end of the day, Brazil fans will easily forgive and forget this defeat should they go and win the thing in 4 years. Granted that seems unlikely with this current crop of players and one cannot use the above excuse to mask Brazil’s failings. They had been lucky to get this far and the performances of Luiz, Hulk, Fred and Marcello beggared belief in their collective ineptitude. Huge swaths of space were open for the entire German midfield to run into and it’s hard to think of a 5 minute period at this level where one team has collapsed so badly. Brazil still possess good players, many of which weren’t even included in Scolari’s faintly blinkered squad. But this match showed them up for what they were, a once great nation coasting on past glories and a wonderfully organised, attended and vibrant tournament. When your goals against column has to be written in brackets (seven), you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

3. Germany now owe to us all to win.
Scoring seven goals against Brazil will ultimately count for nothing if Germany lose the final this Sunday. A victory for Argentina would surely see them crowned the most underwhelming victors in tournament history. Well organised, drilled and disciplined. They have essentially been Greece but with Lionel Messi. They deserve credit for not getting beaten, but none whatsoever for entertaining anybody. A similarly negative display in the final is almost a certainty and neutrals must be praying for an early goal to release the shackles a little. For the Germans, it’s hard to see beyond this being their moment. This wonderfully talented group of players have been around for three major tournaments now and come up short at each one. If they fail again against a team that they are better than in 10 out of 11 positions, they will forever be labelled as bottlers. That reputation, in its own way, will hurt just as much as the ones now being given to Brazil.

4. The squad remains key to tournament longevity.
Playing so many games in so short a time, in high temperatures and oppressive humidity, is going to take its toll. It was little surprise then that teams who managed the conditions have also managed the tournament. Costa Rica looked dead on their feet in the knockout phase and were lucky to go as far as they ultimately did thanks to some outrageously errant finishing. Likewise France, who stormed their group but rested none of their key attackers or defenders and then looked jaded against the German machine. Belgium started the tournament tired and despite coming alive for the ridiculously entertaining USA match, then found themselves involved in one game too many against Argentina. Brazil, Argentina and Columbia have all managed the conditions well, as have the Dutch, by excellent use of rotation, drinks breaks and tactical switches. Germany of course took a different approach, score four goals in ten minutes and then take the rest of the semi-final off…

5. Let the shopping spree commence.
As ever following a World Cup, what tends to follow is a mad, frenzied bidding war for those players who hugely over achieved. It looks like being no different this time around with Costa Rican, Columbian and Mexican players all now being looked at in vastly more favourable lights than they were a month ago. This will almost certainly result in players who were massively pumped up for the occasion, producing pale shadows of these performances whilst playing for Sunderland on vastly inflated wages. Still, it’s always funny to point and laugh. So we’ve got that to look forward to.

Hindu Monkey Team of the Tournament

Navas (Costa Rica)

Gonzalez – Vlaar – Hummels - Garay (Chile, Holland, Germany, Argentina)

Kroos - Mascherano - Rodriguez (Germany, Argentina, Columbia)

Robben - Fred Benzema - Mueller (Holland, France, Germany)

 https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

World Cup Group Stages - The Digested Read

Group A 

Ah Brazil, you great entertainers you, you wonderous party beasts, you fabulous hosts, you beautiful creatures... yeah, I’m talking about the fans. On the pitch Brazil have thus far got past Croatia thanks to the ref, failed to score against the worst team in Concaf qualifying and just about beaten a Cameroon team who are widely considered to the be the worst of all the 32 competing nations. But they have Neymar, who remains enigmatically brilliant even with a hair cut that would make Busted blush. Also through are Mexico, who are the group stage specialists of every World Cup. Never quite managing to pull of a kit colour that just... isn’t... the... right... shade... of... green, they nevertheless swept aside the visibly jaded Croats to set up a noble but inevitable defeat to the Dutch in the second round.


Player of the Group - Neymar. He really only looks good because he’s next to Fred and Hulk.

Flop of the Group - The Cameroon manager, who literally laughed at his own players and watch them fight like dogs whilst chipping up for the free Brahma

Group B

Well who saw that Spanish collapse coming? A lot of people judging by the faintly smug comments that peppered the media as Spain became the first team to bow out of this years tournament. Spain were risible for one half against Holland and both against Chile, but a lot of the media comments smacked a little bit of when people say “oh I think it’s a boy” and then look at you like they want a fucking medal when they get it right. Given Spain can still field an under 25 team that is the envy of almost everyone on the planet, they are likely far from over and whilst this was pretty horrible to watch, it merely makes it more entertaining to know that this is still such an open and brilliant sport. Elsewhere Holland took the praise for their revolutionary tactics of passing the ball to Robben and getting Van Persie near the fucking goal. Chile were the real winners of this group and their match up with Brazil promises to be the game of the round this Saturday. Indeed, with Australia weighing in with some first class entertainment and that fabulous Tim Cahill goal, this was probably the best group of the lot.

Player of the Group - Robben. The man is getting faster and better each year. Plus he has made hogging it an art form.

Flop of the Group - Casillas. Just horrible. In every way.

Group C

Columbia. Boom. I don’t want to sit here in my ivory tower and say I told you so. But my dark horses are currently the number one ranked form team of the tournament and that means one thing. They will almost certainly collapse from here. Granted they were in a group that included the risible Japan (has there been a more forgettable team in the last twenty years? Admit it, you’d forgotten they were in it hadn’t you?), the perennial failures that are the Ivory Coast. And Greece. Who somehow are through. Despite being... well, Greece.


Player of the Group - Rodriguez. I may start pronouncing my own surname Yam-es.
Flop of the Group - Kagawa. Maybe it’s time to free him from the sport, let alone just Man Utd. The poor lad looks lost.

Group D

As shocks go, Costa Rica topping a group made up of “three of the world’s ten best sides” (Citation - Fifa Rankings are terrible) was as big as any we’ve seen so far. The Americans haven’t just shut up and scraped through though, they thoroughly outplayed both Uruguay and Italy and beat both to secure the comedy of a dead rubber with England. Which they still didn’t lose. Uruguay also went through, but have probably already bitten off more than they can chew. The only thing more amusing than the latest Suarez bite incident was the ridiculous overreaction to it. Is it just me who finds it merely amusing? A 4 month ban from all football? Really? For an off the cuff nibble of somebody’s shoulder? Suarez is clearly a gifted mentalist and his time away from the game will be as much our loss as it is his own. Football loves villains, and it’s a shame that whilst we’re on the subject we couldn’t even create our own set this time. I mean come on England. We at least hoped you’d fail dramatically... or pathetically... or comically. You just went out tamely to teams who were slightly better than you. And we can’t even sack Roy because when we try and think of somebody better than you we get Steve Bruce applying for the job.

Player of the Group - Gonzalez. A lynch pin that the side builds from.

Flop of the Group - Pirlo. Such a player deserved to exit International football in a better way than this. (see also Xavi)

Group E

France, or Jess‘ Nursery team as I prefer to call them, have negotiated this group without breaking sweat and have been rewarded further with a meeting with Nigeria in the second round. Or in other words, a bye to the Quarter Finals. They are certainly playing with a swagger which suggests they will have a say in things and, in Karim Benzema, possess an underrated player at the top of his game. Switzerland also progressed at the expense of the flamboyant yet brittle Ecuadorians and the not at all flamboyant and brutal Hondas.  


Player of the Group - Benzema. Has short hair ever looked so good?
Flop of the Group - Palacios. Thanks. For. Coming.

Group F

Easily the most boring group saw Argentina Lionel Messi win every game despite his team playing like a bunch of strangers who had just met the week before. Nigeria qualified by being less awful than Bosnia and Iran, who almost stole the show with one of the great nil nils in football history. Sadly as injury time ticked onwards, the nil nil became a Messi nil and that was that. Everyone involved in this group should probably take a long hard look at themselves.

Player of the Group - Messi. Heard of him?
Flop of the Group - Dzeko. Nobody likes a whiner Edin. Especially when you’ve been shit.

Group G

Now this was a great group. Whilst the ruthless Germans cleaned up it was left for the other teams to provide soap operas within soap operas about what would happen next. From Ronaldo’s fitness (dubious, but still managed 2,000 shots) to the USA’s tactics (just give it to Clint. Give. It. To. Clint.) This was a group that probably saved the best for last as Ghana battled back from defeat to collect a precious point against Germany, only to go down in a puff of smoke amidst match fixing allegations, in fighting and two players being sent home for what remains highly dubious reasons. 



Player of the Group - Muller. Or maybe the pilot who urgently flew 3m (in CASH) into the country so Ghana would play their last match.

Flop of the Group - Muntari. Attacking your staff never usually gets great results Sulley. Also how is this man still in his twenties? He’s surely 50 by now.

Group H

Team Tin Tin sit proudly on 9 points despite only playing well for 6 minutes in a total running time of 278 and counting. Whilst the group winners flattered to deceive, they qualified by virtue of a risible Korean team and Russia. Who took one look at England’s performance under Capello four years ago and said “I want me some of that.” The real stars of the group were the riotously entertaining Algerians (again, I don’t want to say I told you so). The Africans flew the flag for their continent with bright, attacking play and fantastic support from their partisan fans. You fear for them against Germany next week, but they’ve earned the right to be routed royally and go home with their heads held high.

Player of the Group - Slimani. A slippery attacking presence who tore apart Korea.

Flop of the Group - Lukaku. His team may have won, but he didn’t. Has looked every bit the player Jose Mourinho doesn’t want at the moment.

And so onwards we march, with a spring in our step and no more than a cursory glance towards the soon to be rain soaked Wimbledon. This has been the best World Cup for over thirty years so far. Full of superb matches, open football and unexpectedly high drama.

Please don’t mourn England. Nobody else is. So let us enjoy this for what it is. Thus far, absolutely bloody marvelous.


https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey



The World Cup Preview Edition

The tournament is but upon us, dreams are set to be made and unmade, hopes to be raised and dashed and one lucky winner will emerge sweaty and victorious in a month’s time. Who will it be? Who will shine? Who will fail? Let the Monkey be your guide…

The Guide to the Groups:

Group A: Expect Brazil to overcome Croatia in a tricky opener before coasting to easy victories against Mexico, who are woeful, and Cameroon, who are on strike.
Group B: A real humdinger of a group will see Australia horribly exposed against the attacking might of Chile, the tactical nous of Holland and the metronomic passing of Spain. A tough one to predict, but Spain should prevail.
Group C: Arguably the weakest group and expect few goals from Greece and Japan. Ivory Coast often flatter to deceive and Columbia have been rocked by the loss of their star striker. Given the conditions, it’s hard to look past the South Americans to come out on top of this one.
Group D: Italy v England is the key match here, with Uruguay expected to roll over Costa Rica and build early momentum. Games involving England will be tight and almost certainly boring beyond all reason.
Group E: Another strangely weak group should see France and Switzerland safely through at the expense of their South American cousins. How exactly were Switzerland seeded?
Group F: Argentina to score 65 goals and leave the other three teams to fight off the scraps for second. Everybody will rave about them, tip them to leave all others in their wake and then watch as they lose to the first decent side they play in the knockouts.
Group G: Arguably the toughest group of all with the Germans, Portugal (ranked 3^rd in the world), the best team in Africa and the best team in er… North America. Whoever qualifies will have deserved it. Bank on Germany and then draw one of the others from a hat.
Group H: An interesting group featuring the underrated Algeria, the overrated Belgium and the wildly unpredictable Russia and North Korea, who everyone seems to have forgotten are even here. Belgium are well fancied, but this group will not be as easy for them as people are thinking.

Who will win:

Almost certainly one of Brazil, Spain, Argentina or Germany. The hosts are favourites and that’s probably just about fair, especially if Oscar and Neymar shine, but they are far from the great team of old. Spain are the holders, they know how to win at this level when it matters and have still not conceded a knockout goal in a barely conceivable three consecutive tournaments. The front four of Argentina are so good they have to be considered a major threat, even if their defence is made of balsa. And finally the Germans, whose chances have dimmed slightly with the injury to Reus but will still play with style and purpose and have enough talent to emerge triumphant.

The outside tip:
Columbia. Even without Falcao the South Americans have a fearsome attack and boast Jackson Martinez and James Rodriguez. Indeed, the latter  was 5/1 on betfair earlier in the week to be his team’s top scorer. He will take all the penalties and free kicks and has been described as the most talented player in the country’s history. Get. In. On. That. Action. If they win the group they will likely face a tired, hot and combustible England or Italy in the second round and will almost certainly have too much pace and power for either. A humdinger of a quarter final with Brazil could beckon.

Who will win the Golden Boot:

Probably somebody from Argentina given their group, but there is a risk of Higuain, Messi and Aguero sharing the goals around and allowing an outside option such as Benzema, Ballotelli, Rodriguez or Van Persie (if Holland can get through their group) to sneak in. Neymar is also well fancied, and if he wins this he will likely have shot his country to glory.

How will England do:

Awfully. There has been much talk of the young, talented players at our disposal but that will mean nothing when a barely fit Rooney lines up against Italy and Milner comes on as first sub. Beyond that though, it is impossible to overstate how little the conditions will suit England. They may well make it past the group as Italy will face similar problems but any decent team will batter them. A narrow loss in the Quarter Final would be a phenomenal achievement in the circumstances.

What to look forward to:

Goals. With the notable exception of most of group C, this should be a tournament where the cup runneth over with attacking play. It will be hot and humid and teams will not be able to press for very long. This will mean more space, more open play and a lot more errors as the games reach their conclusions. The Brazilian crowd like to be entertained and expect them to turn quickly on any side not playing in a positive manner. Also, as a general rule, the standard of defending over the past five years has decreased markedly amongst the big teams. Brazil have three players who should by rights be midfielders in their back four and Argentina have three players who by rights shouldn’t even be footballers in theirs. That these teams are considered the favourites despite that, says everything about what people expect this World Cup to be. Open, direct and a veritable feast of net busting action.

Or maybe I’m just dreaming.

Waves flag.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Alernative Awards - An End of Season Review

And so the dust settles on another season of tumultuous drama, at least until Liverpool left Crystal Palace early to beat the traffic. The table doesn’t lie they say, except when Man Utd can win the league by eleven points and then be fully deserving of a place in seventh because of the “squad” and not the “manager.” City were the best team over 38 games, certainly in attack and midfield and had they managed to keep Augero, Kompany and Silva on the pitch for more than the handful of games they shared... the margin would likely have been bigger. Liverpool gave us all (and by all, I mean Liverpool fans) something to cheer about. After all, who doesn’t love the story of the plucky little underdogs who have won 18 league titles and 8 European titles trying to add to that meagre haul. Ultimately though, their chance just slipped away...

So let’s move on to the awards...

Goalkeeper of the Season - Vito Mannone

11 clean sheets from 28 starts was rich return for a keeper who stepped up to the plate for his new manager and arguably did more than anyone to keep his side in the division. Mannone made an improbable 131 saves from those matches (you do the maths) and single handedly won just about more points than he gave away from two atrocious clangers. His name, part super hero, part porn star, all magician, only went half of the way in securing this award. The rest was down to solid distribution, fantastic reflexes and being the best double save specialist in the league. Plus, you know, Hugo Loris is just a bit odd isn’t he...

Defender of the Season - Seamus Coleman

Even when you’re trying to think outside of the box, Seamus Coleman is there as the defender of the year. It’s not just his stats (15 clean sheets, 6 goals, 2 assist... a staggering 638 ESP points *cough statto*) - the boy is a right back, inside right and right winger all rolled into one. Coleman is 25, absolutely brilliant and with the greatest respect to Luke Shaw, it is bordering on the offensive how little he is spoken about compared to other, more English, full backs. Naming no names... ahem.

Midfielder of the Season - Ya Ya Toure

No player has done more to destroy my fantasy football season than this colossus. Pace, power, precision... Toure has scored more goals in this campaign than in his previous three combined. He bangs them in from the spot, he curls them in from distance and he runs eighty yards before finding the back of the net. He is a phenomenal player who seems to be getting better, not worse, with age. Fosu doesn’t rate him. Which in football speak, essentially means he’s the best player in the world.

Forward of the Season - Fernando Torres Luis Suarez

30 goals, 25 assists, only dived 24 times this season compared to 124 last one... there isn’t even a debate here. The best type of footballer is one this good that you love to hate. Don’t leave us Luis.

Manager of the Season - Tony Pulis

Many contenders for this crown; Martinez, Rodgers and David Moyes would all get plenty of votes on Merseyside. But even Pellegrini has to take a bow to Tony fucking Pulis. Palace were in all sorts of shit before Pulis took over. Only Sunderland looked more certain to go down and they at least had a squad capable of a recovery. Palace had Marouane Chamakh. Forget what you thought of Pulis before, forget what you think of him now... to take that squad from relegation certainties and make them finish 11th, beating big teams to nil along the way... is as good an achievement as anything in the Premier League era.

Signing of the Season - Wilfried Bony

17 goals, four assist, countless crucial strikes to keep his side in the division. Everybody asked who this season’s Michu would be, and the answer was at the same fucking club. Swansea’s struggles this season meant that Bony’s achievement slipped under the radar somewhat, but when he got in the team and stayed there (just after Christmas) the big African plundered 14 goals in 20 appearances for a team that struggled for anything approaching consistency. Bony looks to have everything and at just 25, is probably too good to play for Swansea for more than another season.

Team of the Season - Spurs

How could anybody deny Spurs this award? Year in, year out... no other team delivers more soap opera than Spurs. Fulham tried this year, hell they did, but the decision to employ 85 different managers backfired when people literally couldn’t remember who was in charge from one half to the next. Even West Brom had a stab, sacking Steve Clarke for no possible reason on earth and then waiting an eternity to employ a manager who was the complete opposite of their playing style. But Spurs... that capitulation against Liverpool was the single worst performance I’ve ever witnessed by a major team. And as a Man Utd fan I’ve seen a fair few of them this year. AVB went, in came Tactics Tim and then each week Spurs delivered a wildly unpredictable roller coaster of superb attacking flair (Christian Eriksen), terrible defending (Kyle Naughton), crazy red cards (Younes Kaboul), outrageous good looks (Christian Eriksen) and the best goal celebration in the league (Emmanuel Adeboyer). All this and we still don’t know who their manager will be (other than... not Tim), where the hell Erik Lamela is hiding and when Daniel Levy will finally be recalled by Satan. Love or hate Spurs... you’ve got to love them.

Until the world cup...



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Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Six

1. Nobody can kill football like Jozzze
It has been an ongoing question all season, at what stage would Mourinho throw his toys out of the pram and make his “happy one” comments seem even more ludicrous than they were initially? He has threatened to combust a few times but the real tipping point came last week when, following a defeat at home to Sunderland, Jose ripped into the officials and the media in a truly astonishing rant. To imply that you have been unlucky with decisions is one thing, but to outright state that you have been a victim of “engineered results” by the entire Referees Union? No Jose. You just can’t say that. Except of course, he actually can. Because the punishment for managers who spout such bile is about as much of a deterrent as FIFA’s racism stance. A fine and token touchline ban will no doubt follow, but what do managers have to do to get proper suspensions for calling the game into disrepute? Head-butt somebody? Anyway, I’m ranting about this largely to avoid talking about the match on Sunday, which saw Jose come, park and leave with three points that blew the title race about as open as a Savanna Plain. It will almost certainly now go to the last kick on the last day and whilst the momentum has swung back to City, I’d be shocked if there wasn’t at least a couple more twists in the tail yet. In fairness to Jose, nobody parks the bus quite like him. Other, lesser managers dream of the odd nil nil against the big boys. But Jose manages to sneak victories as well. Perhaps that’s because unlike Pulis, Allardyce et all, Jose has millions and millions of pounds to spend on buying the best defensive players in the world to entertain us all with. Poor Jose, if only he had a striker he wouldn’t have to play like this. Honest.

2. Giggs brings back the love
For much of the first half it looked as if the wave of euphoria following David Moyes’ sacking was about as misplaced as Utd’s passing. “You can’t just turn confidence on and off like a tap,” said Gary Neville as he watched Utd struggle to break down a Norwich team who will be playing in the Championship next season. But then, the luck that eluded dear David. A penalty, an early second half goal and from there Utd could have run out winning by six or seven. Confidence flowed back through the ranks as if a tap had been turned on (sorry Gary) as Utd countered and attacked with pace for the first time since the opening day of the season. Presumably when the players hadn’t quite worked out how bad Moyes was yet. There is still major work to do here, not least in defence where Evra remains mythically, mystically bad and every centre back seems to spend half the game falling over. But this was as good a start as Giggs could hope for. Van Gaal should follow, with Giggs waiting patiently behind for his chance a few years down the line. Next season will likely be more open than ever and there are no guarantees whatsoever that Utd will bounce back, but for now it was just good to see the stadium filled with people who were happy again. Both fans, manager and crucially, the players.

3. Where has Connor Wickham been?
Not playing for Sunderland is the short answer. After impressing at Ipswich, Wickham was signed by Sunderland in 2011 for a fee of £8m. No small amount for somebody who was 18 and only had 15 career goals. But the potential was there and with it came expectation. Wickham has barely played since his move; he scored just once in his debut season before being loaned to Leeds and (more successfully) Sheffield Wednesday. This was a player who clearly needed games, so it’s surprising that he’s averaged barely 20 appearances a season (including loans) prior to his recent run. It took far, far too long for Gus Poyet to abandon all faith in Dozy Altidore and recall Wickham for one, final throw of the dice. But thankfully for Black Cats everywhere, the dice has come up with a five. Five goals in three games that have turned Sunderland’s season on a head. They gathered an improbable 4 points from away matches with Manchester City and Chelsea, before crushing Cardiff in the crucial match this Sunday. They now sit in 17^th, with a game in hand home to West Brom. It is back in their own hands even if they lose at Old Trafford on Saturday. Wickham has been sensational during the revival, offering a focal point for the onrushing Johnson and Borini and converting his chances with confidence and aplomb. Still just 21, it looks as if his talent has finally come out to play.

4. Bony keeps Swans afloat
Four goals in two games from Wilfried Bony has steered Swansea to safety and left them free to dream about who their manager might be next season. Whoever that is, has the enviable task of trying to get Bony and Michu playing in such a way that strikes fear into the heart of opposition defences. Bony has got better and better as the season progresses and now has 16 goals to his name in his debut campaign. A fine effort for a team that have struggled and rich reward for his all round play. Bony is strong, powerful and quick and is actually a much closer fit to Drogba than Lukaku is mooted to be. He was superb again on Saturday, as Swansea brushed aside a pitiful Aston Villa to secure top flight status for another season. How Paul Lambert must wish for a finisher like this following the injury to Benteke. Villa still need just one win to stay in the division but are marooned on 35 points and are in total freefall. They play Hull this weekend in a match they simply have to win. With away trips to Manchester City and Spurs to follow, their entire season likely hinges on that result. So no pressure then.

5. The Premier League team of the season… was bobbins.
Suarez was a worthy winner of the PFA player of the season last night, as were the runner ups to his crown, Eden Hazard and Ya Ya Toure. But beyond those three and the wonderful Adam Lallana, it’s tempting to question every other name on the team of the season sheet. Ok so Seamus Coleman probably deserves to be on there as well, I’m just bitter about the own goal he scored this weekend for my fantasy football team. But the rest of the defence?

Let’s start in goal, where we have Petr Cech, for no possible reason I can fathom. Ok so he’s kept the most clean sheets (16) but he’s barely had to make a save all season and has not once won a match for his side in the way that other keepers have. Tim Howard has kept 14 clean sheets and made 26 more saves than Cech, and that’s before you get to Boruc, who has an absurd 50% clean sheet record; and David Marshall at Cardiff, who has made a ridiculous 145 saves for his terrible team, almost double that of Cech. Cahil has certainly had a strong season for Chelsea, but Kompany alongside him? The City captain has been injury prone again and got himself sent off at a crucial time. Per Mertesacker was the obvious choice, despite Arsenal’s woeful results against the bigger teams. At left back Shaw seems to have been given the nod because he’s young, handsome and English. He’s arguably been the weakest of Saints first choice back five this season and hasn’t been as good as Leighton Baines or the impossibly underrated Joel Ward.

Steven Gerrard’s PR agent presumably bought him a place in the team along with all the penalties his team have bought this season. His reinvention has been impressive but Sterling, Barry and Ramsey all deserved a nod ahead of him. All of which brings us to centre forward, where we have Danny Sturridge alongside the imperious Suarez. Sturridge? Over Altidore? Over Soldado? Over Anichebe? Over Van Wolfswinkel? Over Cornelius? Over… sorry, I think I’ve got confused.

(just type bobbins and back away)

BOBBINS.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

David Moyes doesn’t deserve our sympathy, he deserves our pity.

As the news broke on Monday evening, the inevitable finally came to pass. It didn’t matter if it had been after 6 months, or 10 months, or in 2 years. The parting of Moyes and Utd had been inevitable for just too long. This wasn’t a brutal assassination, this was a mercy killing. And yet, as the hours rumbled on there grew a curious thing. A group of people, almost all of them not Utd fans it had to be said, that claimed Moyes deserved our sympathy. That he had been handed a rough deal. That he should have had more time. That nobody could have done more with that squad.

Horseshit. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But consider this...

An Analogy

After 20 years of being a wonderful Head Teacher, Mr F announces his retirement from St Mary’s Secondary School. In his time there, he has taken a school to the top not just of his regional league tables, but every league table in the country. He has done this despite difficulties along the way. Notably recently, postcode politics have changed his intake makeup. He hasn’t been getting as many of the bright, middle class children from affluent backgrounds and has instead taken in some rough diamonds from poorer districts. But, bar the odd pupil, he has helped polish them all. He has assembled a fine set of teachers around him, the envy of almost every school in the land and whilst his methods were sometimes deemed old fashioned, his school got results.

Upon his retirement, Mr F used his unique reputation at the school to convince the Governors that a friend of his, Mr M, should be given the job. Mr M had done a solid job at a nearby school and shared many of the traits of Mr F. There were a few questions. Mr M’s school only had 400 pupils, Mr F’s over 1000. And whilst Mr M had won plaudits, he had never won awards for his schooling. The majority of teachers and parents did not seek out his establishment as a place to be educated. The doubters though, were silenced. Mr M took over at the start of the new school year and promised to carry on the great work done over the past decade.

Within his first day of the new job, Mr M sacked every single member of the teaching staff that Mr F had assembled. He brought in all the teachers from his old school, despite them not having any experience of the different districts curriculum, or of teaching larger class sizes. He promised that he would bring in a new Head of Science, but the person he wanted turned down the job, despite them offering him more money. It was an embarrassing incident for the school and more so when the job eventually went, at the last minute, to the candidate they initially rejected for the role early on. Still, the new term started and the pupils filed in to be taught by the new staff.

Within six months it was very clear that Mr M and his staff were out of their depth. Despite excellent work modernizing the IT department with state of the art i-pads, the rest of the classes were all delivering poorer results than predicted. In the January mock exams for his core year, the results indicated an average of B minuses where previously there had been A’s. In addition to this, truancy was at a record high. Pupils had lost interest in the new methods the teachers were employing, many of which didn’t seem able to understand the texts they were supposed to be teaching. A couple of months later and parents were actively pulling their pupils out of the school. Fights had broken out in the playground, classes were getting more and more disjointed and results were now at record breaking lows. In addition to this, one particular rival school who had been the biggest in the area before Mr F took over St Mary’s, had risen again under a new head and was delivering grade averages that had not been seen in two decades. Even Mr M’s old school was doing better than it had done in years. They had employed a younger, more modern head teacher who was winning rave reviews for his extra-curricular clubs and a huge increase in  pupil spirit.

Mr M was out of his depth but he blundered on. He kept telling parents and the governors the same message over and over. Things would get better. He had a plan for the school. When people pressed him on what this plan was he would merely mumble and shuffle off. One teacher threatened to leave and he offered him triple his wages to stay despite complaints that he had lost the classroom.

Finally, ten months into his role... he was sacked from his job. In his time he had spent more money than the previous headmaster had in three years. He had seen truancy figures at a record high. He had seen playground bulling at a record high. He had recorded the worst exam results in the last 25 years of the school. He had taken pupils who were averaging A grades and turned them into C’s. He had destroyed the reputation of the school in less than a year and turned it into a laughing stock. Kids didn’t want to go there, teachers didn’t want to teach there. The Governors, despite not wanting to take the action of severance, had no choice but to end a relationship that was only getting worse.

There were mitigating circumstances. There always are. Other schools had more money. People said the pupils had punched above their weight last school year and that results would never get that good again. Michael Gove was the minister for education. But the simple fact was that Mr M had failed every single reasonable target he had been set. He had failed, on every level that he could be measured by.


Because, you see. It doesn’t matter if Man Utd should never have given David Moyes the job. They did give it to him... and he accepted it. And as soon as he accepted it he earned the right to be judged by the parameters of that job itself. And that job was the manager of Manchester United football club in 2013. He should not be judged by what somebody did in the 1980’s under wildly different terms. The average length of a manager then was 3-4 years. It is currently 8 months.

There is no positive, no single scrap of evidence that anybody can claim is worthy of an excuse not to sack Moyes. People talk of the squad, of the club, of the market... but they don’t say “well in fairness David did do this... or did do that” - because he didn’t. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But don’t you or anybody else tell me to feel sorry for somebody who came into this football club and made worse every possible feature of it over a 10 month period. A man who had no plan, no desire, no fight... and no fucking idea what he was doing.

Laugh at Man Utd. Hate Man Utd. Want Man Utd to fail by all means. But don’t feel sorry for Moyes. Pity the fucking fool.

Now let’s clean up this fucking mess and forget the whole sorry thing ever happened.




https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey