Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Six

1. Nobody can kill football like Jozzze
It has been an ongoing question all season, at what stage would Mourinho throw his toys out of the pram and make his “happy one” comments seem even more ludicrous than they were initially? He has threatened to combust a few times but the real tipping point came last week when, following a defeat at home to Sunderland, Jose ripped into the officials and the media in a truly astonishing rant. To imply that you have been unlucky with decisions is one thing, but to outright state that you have been a victim of “engineered results” by the entire Referees Union? No Jose. You just can’t say that. Except of course, he actually can. Because the punishment for managers who spout such bile is about as much of a deterrent as FIFA’s racism stance. A fine and token touchline ban will no doubt follow, but what do managers have to do to get proper suspensions for calling the game into disrepute? Head-butt somebody? Anyway, I’m ranting about this largely to avoid talking about the match on Sunday, which saw Jose come, park and leave with three points that blew the title race about as open as a Savanna Plain. It will almost certainly now go to the last kick on the last day and whilst the momentum has swung back to City, I’d be shocked if there wasn’t at least a couple more twists in the tail yet. In fairness to Jose, nobody parks the bus quite like him. Other, lesser managers dream of the odd nil nil against the big boys. But Jose manages to sneak victories as well. Perhaps that’s because unlike Pulis, Allardyce et all, Jose has millions and millions of pounds to spend on buying the best defensive players in the world to entertain us all with. Poor Jose, if only he had a striker he wouldn’t have to play like this. Honest.

2. Giggs brings back the love
For much of the first half it looked as if the wave of euphoria following David Moyes’ sacking was about as misplaced as Utd’s passing. “You can’t just turn confidence on and off like a tap,” said Gary Neville as he watched Utd struggle to break down a Norwich team who will be playing in the Championship next season. But then, the luck that eluded dear David. A penalty, an early second half goal and from there Utd could have run out winning by six or seven. Confidence flowed back through the ranks as if a tap had been turned on (sorry Gary) as Utd countered and attacked with pace for the first time since the opening day of the season. Presumably when the players hadn’t quite worked out how bad Moyes was yet. There is still major work to do here, not least in defence where Evra remains mythically, mystically bad and every centre back seems to spend half the game falling over. But this was as good a start as Giggs could hope for. Van Gaal should follow, with Giggs waiting patiently behind for his chance a few years down the line. Next season will likely be more open than ever and there are no guarantees whatsoever that Utd will bounce back, but for now it was just good to see the stadium filled with people who were happy again. Both fans, manager and crucially, the players.

3. Where has Connor Wickham been?
Not playing for Sunderland is the short answer. After impressing at Ipswich, Wickham was signed by Sunderland in 2011 for a fee of £8m. No small amount for somebody who was 18 and only had 15 career goals. But the potential was there and with it came expectation. Wickham has barely played since his move; he scored just once in his debut season before being loaned to Leeds and (more successfully) Sheffield Wednesday. This was a player who clearly needed games, so it’s surprising that he’s averaged barely 20 appearances a season (including loans) prior to his recent run. It took far, far too long for Gus Poyet to abandon all faith in Dozy Altidore and recall Wickham for one, final throw of the dice. But thankfully for Black Cats everywhere, the dice has come up with a five. Five goals in three games that have turned Sunderland’s season on a head. They gathered an improbable 4 points from away matches with Manchester City and Chelsea, before crushing Cardiff in the crucial match this Sunday. They now sit in 17^th, with a game in hand home to West Brom. It is back in their own hands even if they lose at Old Trafford on Saturday. Wickham has been sensational during the revival, offering a focal point for the onrushing Johnson and Borini and converting his chances with confidence and aplomb. Still just 21, it looks as if his talent has finally come out to play.

4. Bony keeps Swans afloat
Four goals in two games from Wilfried Bony has steered Swansea to safety and left them free to dream about who their manager might be next season. Whoever that is, has the enviable task of trying to get Bony and Michu playing in such a way that strikes fear into the heart of opposition defences. Bony has got better and better as the season progresses and now has 16 goals to his name in his debut campaign. A fine effort for a team that have struggled and rich reward for his all round play. Bony is strong, powerful and quick and is actually a much closer fit to Drogba than Lukaku is mooted to be. He was superb again on Saturday, as Swansea brushed aside a pitiful Aston Villa to secure top flight status for another season. How Paul Lambert must wish for a finisher like this following the injury to Benteke. Villa still need just one win to stay in the division but are marooned on 35 points and are in total freefall. They play Hull this weekend in a match they simply have to win. With away trips to Manchester City and Spurs to follow, their entire season likely hinges on that result. So no pressure then.

5. The Premier League team of the season… was bobbins.
Suarez was a worthy winner of the PFA player of the season last night, as were the runner ups to his crown, Eden Hazard and Ya Ya Toure. But beyond those three and the wonderful Adam Lallana, it’s tempting to question every other name on the team of the season sheet. Ok so Seamus Coleman probably deserves to be on there as well, I’m just bitter about the own goal he scored this weekend for my fantasy football team. But the rest of the defence?

Let’s start in goal, where we have Petr Cech, for no possible reason I can fathom. Ok so he’s kept the most clean sheets (16) but he’s barely had to make a save all season and has not once won a match for his side in the way that other keepers have. Tim Howard has kept 14 clean sheets and made 26 more saves than Cech, and that’s before you get to Boruc, who has an absurd 50% clean sheet record; and David Marshall at Cardiff, who has made a ridiculous 145 saves for his terrible team, almost double that of Cech. Cahil has certainly had a strong season for Chelsea, but Kompany alongside him? The City captain has been injury prone again and got himself sent off at a crucial time. Per Mertesacker was the obvious choice, despite Arsenal’s woeful results against the bigger teams. At left back Shaw seems to have been given the nod because he’s young, handsome and English. He’s arguably been the weakest of Saints first choice back five this season and hasn’t been as good as Leighton Baines or the impossibly underrated Joel Ward.

Steven Gerrard’s PR agent presumably bought him a place in the team along with all the penalties his team have bought this season. His reinvention has been impressive but Sterling, Barry and Ramsey all deserved a nod ahead of him. All of which brings us to centre forward, where we have Danny Sturridge alongside the imperious Suarez. Sturridge? Over Altidore? Over Soldado? Over Anichebe? Over Van Wolfswinkel? Over Cornelius? Over… sorry, I think I’ve got confused.

(just type bobbins and back away)

BOBBINS.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

David Moyes doesn’t deserve our sympathy, he deserves our pity.

As the news broke on Monday evening, the inevitable finally came to pass. It didn’t matter if it had been after 6 months, or 10 months, or in 2 years. The parting of Moyes and Utd had been inevitable for just too long. This wasn’t a brutal assassination, this was a mercy killing. And yet, as the hours rumbled on there grew a curious thing. A group of people, almost all of them not Utd fans it had to be said, that claimed Moyes deserved our sympathy. That he had been handed a rough deal. That he should have had more time. That nobody could have done more with that squad.

Horseshit. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But consider this...

An Analogy

After 20 years of being a wonderful Head Teacher, Mr F announces his retirement from St Mary’s Secondary School. In his time there, he has taken a school to the top not just of his regional league tables, but every league table in the country. He has done this despite difficulties along the way. Notably recently, postcode politics have changed his intake makeup. He hasn’t been getting as many of the bright, middle class children from affluent backgrounds and has instead taken in some rough diamonds from poorer districts. But, bar the odd pupil, he has helped polish them all. He has assembled a fine set of teachers around him, the envy of almost every school in the land and whilst his methods were sometimes deemed old fashioned, his school got results.

Upon his retirement, Mr F used his unique reputation at the school to convince the Governors that a friend of his, Mr M, should be given the job. Mr M had done a solid job at a nearby school and shared many of the traits of Mr F. There were a few questions. Mr M’s school only had 400 pupils, Mr F’s over 1000. And whilst Mr M had won plaudits, he had never won awards for his schooling. The majority of teachers and parents did not seek out his establishment as a place to be educated. The doubters though, were silenced. Mr M took over at the start of the new school year and promised to carry on the great work done over the past decade.

Within his first day of the new job, Mr M sacked every single member of the teaching staff that Mr F had assembled. He brought in all the teachers from his old school, despite them not having any experience of the different districts curriculum, or of teaching larger class sizes. He promised that he would bring in a new Head of Science, but the person he wanted turned down the job, despite them offering him more money. It was an embarrassing incident for the school and more so when the job eventually went, at the last minute, to the candidate they initially rejected for the role early on. Still, the new term started and the pupils filed in to be taught by the new staff.

Within six months it was very clear that Mr M and his staff were out of their depth. Despite excellent work modernizing the IT department with state of the art i-pads, the rest of the classes were all delivering poorer results than predicted. In the January mock exams for his core year, the results indicated an average of B minuses where previously there had been A’s. In addition to this, truancy was at a record high. Pupils had lost interest in the new methods the teachers were employing, many of which didn’t seem able to understand the texts they were supposed to be teaching. A couple of months later and parents were actively pulling their pupils out of the school. Fights had broken out in the playground, classes were getting more and more disjointed and results were now at record breaking lows. In addition to this, one particular rival school who had been the biggest in the area before Mr F took over St Mary’s, had risen again under a new head and was delivering grade averages that had not been seen in two decades. Even Mr M’s old school was doing better than it had done in years. They had employed a younger, more modern head teacher who was winning rave reviews for his extra-curricular clubs and a huge increase in  pupil spirit.

Mr M was out of his depth but he blundered on. He kept telling parents and the governors the same message over and over. Things would get better. He had a plan for the school. When people pressed him on what this plan was he would merely mumble and shuffle off. One teacher threatened to leave and he offered him triple his wages to stay despite complaints that he had lost the classroom.

Finally, ten months into his role... he was sacked from his job. In his time he had spent more money than the previous headmaster had in three years. He had seen truancy figures at a record high. He had seen playground bulling at a record high. He had recorded the worst exam results in the last 25 years of the school. He had taken pupils who were averaging A grades and turned them into C’s. He had destroyed the reputation of the school in less than a year and turned it into a laughing stock. Kids didn’t want to go there, teachers didn’t want to teach there. The Governors, despite not wanting to take the action of severance, had no choice but to end a relationship that was only getting worse.

There were mitigating circumstances. There always are. Other schools had more money. People said the pupils had punched above their weight last school year and that results would never get that good again. Michael Gove was the minister for education. But the simple fact was that Mr M had failed every single reasonable target he had been set. He had failed, on every level that he could be measured by.


Because, you see. It doesn’t matter if Man Utd should never have given David Moyes the job. They did give it to him... and he accepted it. And as soon as he accepted it he earned the right to be judged by the parameters of that job itself. And that job was the manager of Manchester United football club in 2013. He should not be judged by what somebody did in the 1980’s under wildly different terms. The average length of a manager then was 3-4 years. It is currently 8 months.

There is no positive, no single scrap of evidence that anybody can claim is worthy of an excuse not to sack Moyes. People talk of the squad, of the club, of the market... but they don’t say “well in fairness David did do this... or did do that” - because he didn’t. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But don’t you or anybody else tell me to feel sorry for somebody who came into this football club and made worse every possible feature of it over a 10 month period. A man who had no plan, no desire, no fight... and no fucking idea what he was doing.

Laugh at Man Utd. Hate Man Utd. Want Man Utd to fail by all means. But don’t feel sorry for Moyes. Pity the fucking fool.

Now let’s clean up this fucking mess and forget the whole sorry thing ever happened.




https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Four

The masters is on and Liverpool on the verge of winning a title is simply too much to bear... so this week's blog comes in a slimmed down, one off format - as we examine the five currently most under-rated players in the league:

1. Gareth Barry
Steven Gerrard has had a great season, but the best holding midfielder on Merseyside hasn’t been the specialist penalty taker who teams really, really (like REALLY) need to learn how to press. Gareth Barry has often been the least mentioned of Roberto Martinez transfer/loan deals but he has been more influential than any in terms of letting the rest of the team play. Do you really think that Ross Barkley would look this good without Barry behind to mop up his mess? The good news for Everton fans is that unlike Lukaku, Barry will surely still be in Everton ranks come next August. City don’t need him and it would be strange if he were to go elsewhere. Martinez has rotated the trident behind Lukaku liberally of late, but he has kept the Barry/McCarthy axis constant behind it. The two of them have been magnificent in a team which have kept the ball, used the ball… and now sit on the cusp of an improbable and fully deserved 4^th place finish.

2. Jason Puncheon
Puncheon impressed in fits and starts last season with Southampton and it is intriguing to wonder what sort of a season he’d be having had he stayed within their ranks. As it was, he has become the most influential attacker in a Crystal Palace side that has seemingly pulled off one of the great relegation escapes. Pulis and his well-drilled defence have already taken plenty of plaudits, but they would still be in the relegation zone were they not putting the ball in the net at the other end. Puncheon has scored three in his last two games and has helped Palace win three games on the spin. Earlier on in the season it seemed likely that the only thing Puncheon would be remembered for this campaign was the worst penalty miss of all time. Now when you say his name nobody is laughing anymore.  Ok maybe they are, but come on Jason, it really was the worst miss… of all time.

3. Martin Skrtel
It now seems incredible that Skrtel was effectively asked to leave Liverpool in the summer. Told he was the 4^th choice centre back in a team looking to develop, Skrtel opted to stay and fight for his place and when he got in the team, he has never looked back. What is even more incredible is that in no way shape or form can Skrtel actually defend. He is a refreshing throw back to an era where defenders dived in, wrestled strikers to the ground and popped up at set pieces to hammer headers into the opposition net. There is nothing cultured about Skrtel, but he wears his heart on his sleeve and has plundered 7 goals in 32 league games from central defence. What is more ridiculous, is that he has kept 8 clean sheets and not conceded a single penalty. One word. Witchcraft.

4. Marko Arnautovic
If there is one player (and there is, literally, one player) who has shown the difference between Stoke under Mark Hughes compared to Tony Pulis, it has been Marko Arnautovic. Signed from Werder Bremen for a £2m fee that looks like a practical joke gone wrong, the Austrian has been magnificent since returning from a mid-season injury. His vision and speed of thought have taken Stoke up a level and he is creating chances at will. Arnautovic is just 24 and has already been capped over 30 times by his country. He has largely been forgotten about this season owing almost entirely to a general disinterest in Stoke City football club. His performances are now making ignorance tough. He may not quite be this season’s Michu, but he’s made a lot better fist of it than… well… Michu.

5. Christian Eriksen
If you throw enough mud at a wall, some of it will eventually stick. If you asked Spurs fans who their most exciting signing was in the summer you would probably have got the answer of either Soldado or Lamela. The pair cost almost £60m between them and have contributed less than Eriksen between them. The Dane has been in outstanding form since Tactics Tim restored him to the starting line-up; and he is far and away the man most likely to be sold in two years times for an inflated but ultimately irreplaceable fee. Erikson has started just 18 games this season but has scored 7 and made 7 in those games. His free kicks are delicious, his corners wicked and he moves the ball around the park as if he is wearing boots woven from silk. Given the time he has been on the pitch, only Aaron Ramsey and Ya Ya Toure can actually claim to have had, statistically, a better season than him. He creates almost every Spurs chance and has won more points for his team than any other player.  I don’t want to bang on about this because I’ve been saying it for two years, but Eriksen is one of the most talented young midfielders on the planet… and if Spurs have an ounce of sense left in them they need to build their entire team around this man for the next decade. He really is that fucking good.

And handsome.

But that’s not relevant…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Three

1. All eyes turn to Anfield
It is fitting, aside from all the comedy and the banter, that this weekend’s potential title decider will take place at Anfield on the 25^th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. Kick Offs up and down the country will be delayed by 7 minutes in respect to those who lost their lives; and come 1:37 on Sunday, Liverpool and Man City will kick off in a game that nobody saw coming as a potential title blockbuster. Liverpool have won 9 games in a row and despite not playing fluently this weekend, they scraped past West Ham thanks to their 2,754^th and 2,755^th penalties of the season. Steven Gerrard may just spend all game playing 5 yard passes in his own half, but he’s on the pitch to take set pieces and he has done so with rare aplomb this year. City meanwhile, complete with their own dead ball specialist Ya Ya Toure, also needed a dodgy penalty to help them on their way to victory over a Southampton team visibly rocked by the injury to Jay Rodriguez. The two now face each other in a game that’s almost impossible to call. The two greatest attacks in the league square up in a fixture that is almost, almost winner takes all (Liverpool still have to play Chelsea and City negate a tough trip to Everton). A draw lets Jose and his poor, striker-less team back in and both clubs will know that victory severely damages the others hopes. Liverpool rarely freeze in the big game headlights of Anfield and with the Hillsborough anniversary to throw into the mix as well… I mean, I don’t want to big it up too much… I’m not Sky… but this match is quite simply… fucking unmissable.

2. Shinji is what’s the Mata David
Some managers know their best eleven and others stumble upon it by accident owing to injury and suspension. The latter is true with Moyes, who has survived calls for his head to emerge unbeaten from three crucial league games and two Champions League ones. Key to the league wins have been the pairing of Kagawa and Mata in a fluid 4-2-3-1 with a central striker (either Rooney, Welbeck or Hernandez) creating space for them to work in by making runs beyond the defence. Kagawa was thought surplus to requirements following the arrival of Mata and the mystifying decision to give Rooney a new 5 year contract, but the Japanese international has been pivotal in three league games that have been won 10-1 by Utd. Mata, invisible on the right wing when Rooney and Van Persie were playing, has stepped inside to score 3 goals and set up 2 more in back to back games. Mata is a sham of a right winger and quite simply, has to play in this position going forward. More interesting though, is how well Kagawa has started to play with him. Mata is a similar player, all one touches and give and go’s and the two of them have dovetailed superbly to tear apart three teams who, let’s be fair, are kinda shit. It was clear to anyone before this that Utd’s best formation didn’t involve both Rooney and Van Persie, but it is surely clear to Moyes as well now. He has lacked the balls this year to formally state that, but if he is to remain in charge for next season, he could probably do worse than thank the Dutchman for two wonderful seasons and use the cash to bolster the areas that need it. Which is, in short, the entire defensive and holding midfield line. A front four of Kagawa, Mata, Rooney and Welbeck is clever enough, quick enough and fluid enough to trouble anyone, but it is worth nothing without six good men behind them to give them that licence. Currently Utd don’t have one good man (the possible exception of Darren Fletcher) but at least they know now what they’re capable of.

3. Fox is back on the menu
Leicester stormed back to the Premier League this weekend, with six games to spare, after more than 10 years out of the top flight. The Foxes have been the best side in the Championship all season and have benefited from stability after years of change and uncertainty (Gary Megson anyone?). Their team is a mixture of youth and pace, combined with proven Championship experience. Keven Phillips for example, has now been promoted over 100 times. How Nigel Pearson’s side cope with the Premier League remains unclear. Leicester look a side that lack top level quality but that was true of the likes of both Swansea and Norwich who stayed up and established themselves. David Nugent has struggled in the Premier League before but at 28, is now in his peak. How him and Jamie Vardy, a striker who was playing non-league football two years ago, cope with the pace and the power of the top flight will go a long way to dictating Leicester’s chances. Let us hope the board give Pearson a chance. Rather than give him £30m to spend and sack him at Christmas for being only 17^th.

4. Immortality is yours Everton… take it!
There are six games left and Everton know that five wins and a draw will take them back into the Champions League. That is no easy feat, but if they play half as well as they did on Sunday that will be a formality. Martinez and his players were better than Arsenal in every single area of the park. They didn’t just outfight them, they outplayed them. Comprehensively. Ross Barkley, a player so direct you could name a rail route to London after him, ran with intelligence and purpose and the space he created was lapped up by Lukaku and Naysmith. They tore into a callow and leaderless Arsenal who were left to shooting from range and wondering how to pick themselves up after yet another away day slaughter to a rival. The Gunners have a semi-final this weekend against Wigan that they simply must win. Failure is not an option. If they end this season 5^th and without the FA Cup, every single player of that squad, led by a manager who couldn’t motivate his way out of a workout video, needs to be lined up on the streets of North London. Naked. And be thrown rotten fruit at. 

5. Chris Hughton ha… ah who am I kidding?
Nobody cares about Norwich, a team who have been so boring this season they’ve made West Ham look expansive. So instead let’s take a look at amusing videos of football stars hamming it up for advertisement money they simply don’t need. Seriously though, if you watch one, watch the Suarez one. They’re all gold, but you’re got to hand to him for that level of self-parody.

Jimmy Bullard Washes and Go – is this a parody? Is he taking the piss out the original advert? Or himself? Does he know how much of a wanker he looks?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyZ7TfC5shU

Figo isn’t a  man – Seriously Figo? Did you really need to “take care of yourself” by making this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rreLf5eqrHc

John Barnes pretends to be Denzel – I know Barnsey always fancied himself as an actor, singer, rapper whatever. But that fake panting? Dead god man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVyFSA1DCTg

Ade forgets to salute – Oh my sweet Christ Emmanuel! The dance. The wink. The kiss??? What in hell were you thinking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZKbFZuN81I&feature=player_embedded

Luis Suarez Gets an Office job – Even in another language this is just hilarious. Fair play Luis. You may be a twat, but at least you’re a self-aware one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NBoZrKYtkzo

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Two

1. Saints are all marching to Brazil
With ten goals in their last three games, the Southampton bandwagon has shown no signs of slowing despite nothing of note to play for. The World Cup is probably responsible for part of that, but another key factor is that Saints play in such a fluent, handsome way that they give off an impression of being utterly relaxed on the football field. Beyond Rooney, the precocious talent of Ross Barkley and the curiously underrated Danny Welbeck, there is little argument that England could do worse than pick an entire Saints/Pool front six for Brazil. Gerrard, Henderson, Lallana, Sterling, Rodriguez and Sturridge would form a youthful, pacey attack that would all be on the same wavelength. With Lambert an option off the bench, not to mention the three names mentioned above, there is plenty to be optimistic about for England fans. Of course, the flipside is that should any of the above be omitted in favour of the likes of Milner, Townsend, Lampard, Cleverely and Defoe we may as well give up now. Beyond cheering their boys onto and off the plane though, it will be a nervous summer for Southampton fans with their prized assets being coveted by clubs with deeper pockets than them. Given their superb youth policy (certainly when compared to, say, Chelsea) it is a cruel fate, and it will be little consolation that they are probably used to it by now.

2. Arrogance, not ability, is Chelsea’s undoing
The title race is certainly not over, despite what Jose and seemingly the bookies would have you believe, but if Chelsea do fall short it won’t just be because they possess inferior players. Jose is the master of the big game but his team have gone away to Villa, Palace, West Brom and Newcastle and scored just a single goal. Indeed, when you add in Everton, Man Utd and Arsenal, Chelsea have been terrible away this season, that superb result at the Etihad aside. Whilst the latter three were all understandable in different contexts, the first four are unforgiveable for a team as talented as this. Jose can chirp all he wants about City having more money, but given Chelsea remain the second most financially backed team in the league it’s unsure how much sympathy he is really expecting. You’d expect a Jose team to have the best defence, but a midfield containing the likes of Ramires, Matic, Hazard, Lampard, Oscar, Schurlle, Willian and Mata (until Jan) stands up with anyone… and is certainly stronger on paper than Liverpool who now lead the table above them. There is no denying that Chelsea have lacked a centre forward for a couple of years now, but they had two transfer windows to arrest that, let Lukaku go on loan, have refused to ever play Ba and still have Fernando Torres on their books. Who is shit. No, you get the impression that the reason Chelsea have lost such games this season is because the players have turned up merely expecting to win. Jose was correct when he pointed this out post match, but he stopped short of blaming himself when pre-match motivation is surely a massive issue? The title was there for the taking this season, as proved by Liverpool’s ascent. Chelsea only have themselves to blame for not being in a better position to have made it their own.

3. Spurs inferiority complex is really quite inferior
Played 8, Won 1, Lost 7, Scored 2, Conceded 27. That is Spurs record against the top 4 this season. And they can’t even blame David Moyes. What they can blame though, is their transfer policy and the complete and utter lack of continuity in the dugout. Spurs seem to only sign two types of players. One, the supremely average, who tend to last a couple of seasons and then get farmed out to a less aspirational team further down the league (far too many to list here). And two, the brilliant, who also last a couple of seasons and then get sold to a more aspirational team higher up the league (Berbatov, Carrick, Bale, Modric). Levy is praised for getting such good fees for the latter, but what use is it when it is continuously invested in the same manner? Spurs aren’t going to get better by playing the transfer market, so surely then it would make sense to employ a manager and stick with him for a decent period. That’s what Levy said he was doing with AVB of course, before sacking him for returning the best points per game for the club in the modern era. Spurs were truly awful at Anfield as they were at home to the same opposition. There was no fight, no belief, no energy. It is a manager’s job to instil those things, but given the players don’t know who that’s going to be from one transfer window to the next, is it little wonder they keep falling short when it matters?

4. Wenger could do worse than making Flamini captain
Arsenal won’t win the title, but they at least restored some pride this weekend with a second half performance of real gusto. It’s a cliché to praise managers for mid game team talks, a cliché which often forgets how useless their initial brief probably was. But given his second half performance, it’s tempting to believe that Mathieu Flamini gave the talk himself. The Frenchman was strangely benched for the key games against both Munich and Chelsea, despite being pivotal to Arsenal’s form earlier in the season. He was magnificent here and led from the front, the back and the middle. Given Vermaelen will surely be stripped of the captaincy in the summer, Wenger could do a lot worse than hand the armband to the one player in his team who consistently shows the fight and the spirit that is missing in so many of his troops.

5. Poyet is not doing himself any favours
For the third match in four games, Gus Poyet set his team up in a 5-3-2 formation and dropped his best player in Adam Johnson. It didn’t work in the first two games so to try it again in a match as must win as this defied belief. Johnson came on against Liverpool and turned the game in Sunderland’s favour and he did exactly the same again tonight. Not only scoring, but injecting urgency and purpose into a side who looked hopelessly bereft of both.  In both cases however, it turned out to be too little too late and Sunderland are now heading for the Championship. West Ham are now safe to see out the season in their own, curiously uninspiring way and put together a list of average wingers that other clubs don’t want. Poyet meanwhile is long past the point where he can blame his predecessor. His team have collapsed since the League Cup final and they have the worst home form in the league. I suppose their away form could keep them up. I mean they only have Man City, Spurs, Man Utd & Chelsea. Ok maybe not…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty to Thirty One

1. Crash, bang, what a weekend.

42 goals were scored this weekend, the second highest achieved since the birth of the 20 team Premier League era. Of the 10 games played, 7 were superb, 2 were entertaining and one involved a side managed by Tony Pulis. There were deserved red cards (Alonso), there were undeserved red cards (Amorebieta) and there were really undeserved red cards (Gibbs). We saw some good goals, we some very good goals and we saw some absolute humdingers. Let’s not stretch the point, but this was a weekend which made you remember why the Premier League is the most marketable in the world. Hell, thanks to Russell Brand, even Match of the Day was watchable for a change. Although the smugness in which Shearer signed off with “I went with Chelsea at the start, I’m not changing my mind now” did make you want to vomit. All over him.


2. Are Arsenal happy being also-rans for another decade?

1000 games are up for Arsene Wenger and whilst such longevity and loyalty is to be applauded, it’s tempting to break that down into two very clear halves. Wenger spent 500 games making a case for himself to be the finest domestic manager the English League had ever seen. And 500 games since making an absolute mockery of anyone who believed that. Wenger is right to a point that Arsenal took the decision to finance the new stadium and not go into debt at a time where Chelsea and City came along from nowhere to overtake them. But he is wrong to assume that if Arsenal had access to the same limitless funds over the past decade the situation would have been different. Having won the title by going an entire season unbeaten, something changed in Arsene Wenger. With the exception of winning the Champions League, where could he go from there? The answer appeared to be winning in a style and way that hadn’t been done before. A long term admirer of Barcelona, Wenger changed his formation from a solid 4-4-1-1 to a 4-3-3, making Fabregas his midfield general at the peak of the triangle and trying to get Robin Van Persie fit enough to play up front for a full season. Over the course of the next seven years he bought 4,745 players who could operate in the attacking midfield positions; and financed £10,000,000 worth of medical bills in the belief that getting Abou Diaby on the pitch for 10 games in a row would be the difference. Arsenal haven’t lost titles because they don’t have any money. They have lost titles because they have either bottled it when the pressure was on (The William Gallas years) or failed to find anyway whatsoever to win away at the big clubs. The way they were blown away by Chelsea on Saturday was not a freak result. This is a team who have now been slaughtered away to Utd, City, Liverpool and Chelsea in the past two years. It isn’t because they are bad defenders. Arsenal have conceded 17 goals in three away games to the teams above them. They have conceded 17 goals in their other 27 league games combined. The problem is entirely mental. And it is entirely the fault of Arsene Wenger. And so, once again, the decision comes whether to offer Wenger a new contract. In which I ask the Arsenal board this. Are you happy finishing 3rd or 4th season in season out? Many teams would kill for that level of consistency, even if it meant sacrificing the odd trophy along the way, but surely Arsenal are now well set up enough that another top manager (Klopp, Simone) could come along and take them the extra mile? I don’t make the decisions. But I do know this, Arsenal might not be better off without Arsene. But they would certainly be less predictable.


3. Is there any way back for the bottom three?

Fulham, Cardiff and Sunderland all lost at the weekend and despite the latter having two games in hand, they are away at City and Liverpool. There remains just six points separating the next seven clubs currently drifting in a sea of mediocrity above the drop zone; but realistically are any now going to get three to six less points than Sunderland between now and the final game? It’s notable that all three of the bottom clubs have changed their manager, with Fulham going for a new record for most in a season. A complete lack of stability and woeful transfer dealings have undermined them all this year and in truth, only West Brom above them deserve to be amongst such collective incompetence. Poyet is doing all he can at Sunderland, even if they go down he can hold his head high following two great cup runs and having to work with the complete wreckage caused by Paolo Di Canio. But, put simply, they just don’t score goals. Only Palace have managed less all season and if you took out Adam Johnson they’d be rock bottom. I’ve mentioned before the ineptitude of Jozy Altidore but it’s worth highlighting again the record of a man who has scored once in 27 games. Once? In 27 games? How is that being allowed to continue from a club who have EIGHT senior strikers on their books? How? I want answers...


4. What would constitute a success for Everton fans this season?

Let’s be clear, most Everton fans would have taken 6th at the start of August with open arms. Having lost their long serving manager to Manchester Utd, Roberto Martinez very much fell into the “calculated gamble” category. But with two months of the season left it’s hard to know what would constitute a success from here. Everton started the season in fine form, moving the ball around as good as anyone and had only lost a single game (away at City) before Christmas. Since then they haven’t been as good, they have got over the line with a couple of late winners and the clean sheets have dried up as fast as Lukaku’s goals. Their achievements have been overshadowed in part by that of Brendon Rodgers’s Liverpool and having gone out of both cups, their season was in danger of drifting towards the end with people forgetting quite how good they’d been. Everton now very much have their fate in their own hands. They have 9 games left and here are two scenarios for you. One: They win in mid week and again at the weekend (away to Fulham) and have Arsenal in their next fixture. The Gunners, having been spanked by Chelsea also lose at home to City and Everton find themselves just two points behind them prior to that game kicking off. Win it, and they’re 4th with just six games left to play. Two: Everton stumble away to Newcastle and a fighting for their lives Fulham, they face an Arsenal who tend to always do enough to at least finish 4th and return just one point from their next 3 matches. With six games left, they are 7th. Well below Liverpool. Below Spurs. Below Manchester United. Given the way football is, a combination of both of these scenarios is more likely than either extreme, but it highlights the point about how delicate poised the season is as we head into the business end. Everton have been superb at times this year, but now is the time when they can either stand up and be remembered for generations. Or fade away and leave people forgetting what the fuss was about all along.

5. El Clasico? Yes. Yes it was.

Rarely do Sky Sports get the sort of football match that their ridiculous hyperbole deserves. So following on from an extremely successful Super Sunday, they were on dangerous ground by announcing this years Clasico as THE BIGGEST MATCH IN THE WORLD. For once though, the match deserved the hype. Two teams who have amassed 163 major trophies between them served up a feast for the senses in a game that had everything but a Gareth Bale heart. Seven goals, three penalties and an obligatory sending off for Sergio Ramos. The match blew wide open the Spanish title race which now sees just one point separating Atletico, Real and Barcelona. And we thought our league was tight...





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Five Things We Didn’t Learn from Watching Football this Weekend

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe…

 

1. Moyes continues march to immortality.
Captained by Tom “Marvel” Cleverley, David Moyes’ Manchester United stormed to the top of the Premier League this week by swatting aside Liverpool like a disease carrying mosquito. Moyes’ team have gone from strength to strength since taking over from Sir Alex Ferguson last summer and this performance raised the bar yet further. Liverpool, managed by Kenny Dalglish for the 28^th returning time, saw Steven Gerrard sent off for conceding three penalties in a row. Many questioned Moyes appointment at the start of the season, but his revolutionary tactics and canny transfer dealings have meant Utd have carried on where they left off after Sir Alex. His decision to sign 18 number 10’s appeared flawed, yet he looks to have had the last laugh as he again set his team up in a 2-1-7-0 formation which saw all his best players occupy the same square foot of Old Trafford grass. Liverpool just couldn’t cope with such a method, and despite the acres of grassland available for them to run into, were drawn to the “10 Zone” like wasps to a jam jar. It was left for Utd to tiki-taka their way through before breaking free and raining shots on Liverpool’s goal in a blaze of creativity. The final score of 3 nil did not flatter a team who have silenced all their critics this season with pace, nous and passion. Moyes post-match interview was as assured and as confident as his team’s display. “I knew this job would be easy,” he casually quipped… “but not this fucking easy.”

2. Stoke’s flair sets fans passion alight again.
After vowing to never manage a team who flirted with relegation again, Mark Hughes has been true to his word since taking over from Stoke and their impressive 8-3 demolition of West Ham this week saw them rise to 7^th in the table. Hughes has built a team filled with expressive, attacking players and said he “never considered” the idea of playing Peter Crouch up front by himself. The England number 9 has been in imperious form since being paired once again by Jermain Defoe. The two have scored over 50 goals already between them and England’s World Cup rivals are looking on with real fear at how they will explode in Brazil. For the similarly expansive West Ham, it was another lesson as to how playing 3-3-4 will often leave you exposed against a team as good as Stoke. Both managers praised a wonderful game of football in their post-match interviews, with Mark Hughes adding “all things considered, I am probably the best manager in the world.”

3. Jose takes defeat in his stride.
After watching his Chelsea team lose for the 10^th time this season, Jose Mourinho once again took the result in his stride and spent his post-match press conference praising both the officials and the opposition players. “We are a young set of pups who need nurturing,” said the once successful manager “I thought we played with real spirit and purpose, but we lacked milk when it mattered most. I shall have to take some of the players back on to the boob before they are ready again.” Chelsea ended up losing the game 4-3, a product of their new commitment to attacking football, coupled with general uselessness at the back. With David Luiz continuing as a make shift centre forward, the Brazilian was impressive but could not do it all on his own. Aston Villa tortured John Terry all afternoon and the Chelsea captain was eventually sent off for the 4^th time this season for sleeping with the referee’s wife at half time. Chelsea play Arsenal next and with them lying in 8^th and their season in pieces, Jose said he planned to “enjoy” the fixture and treat his “best friend” Arsene Wenger to a slap up steak and chips following their inevitable defeat. 

4. Nobody is joking on Tyneside anymore.
When Alan Pardew left the club in January, citing personal reasons and a desire to become a Hollywood heart throb, many people in football feared the worst. This was less to do with the belief that Pardew was irreplaceable, and more to do with the questionable decision to once again install Joe Kinnear as first team boss. However, with a direct line to Ferguson, Wenger, Busby and Sir Alf Ramsey, Kinnear has proved an instant success and Newcastle have won eight games in a row. Adding English steel to French flair, Kinnear’s Newcastle are now a consistent, well-oiled machine. Certainly not a club who’s performance from one week to the next couldn’t possibly be predicted by the most skilled sage in the known Universe (Paul the Octopus). Kinnear, humble and speaking in the Queen’s English, praised both his players and the fans before thanking “every journalist in the room for rolling out the red carpet and welcoming me back into the bosom of football management with open arms.” 

5. Tim huffs and puffs but cannot blow the house down.
Tim Sherwood has done all he can since taking over from AVB at Tottenham Hotspurs. The return and resurgence of Adeboyer has been lauded, but this has been coupled with an emphasis on starting every match incredibly slowly and playing with a defensive line so high it’s been renamed the half way line. Still, Sherwood has had little to no training for the job and was apparently given the role following an unsuccessful poker game between Daniel Levy, Alan Sugar and the winner of the last series of the Apprentice. The way he threw his gilet to the ground yesterday suggested a man who has been unable to get his simple message of “put the ball in the fecking net” across to his players. Spurs largely battered Arsenal in a match which continued to see them miss chances and be repelled by Tony Adams and Martin Keown. But it mattered little following an early goal by Legolas that allowed Wenger and his troops to sit back and laugh at Spurs as they tried, feebly, to actually win a derby match. The result leaves Spurs marooned in 5^th, where be it in this universe or the next, they are destined to remain for the next 100 years.

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