The Big Issue - Everton. The defence rests.
For the third successive week Everton were involved in the highest scoring match of the day. A preposterous 6-3 defeat to Chelsea took their total match day haul to 17 goals since the season began, and has thus far earned them the unlikely status as this years great entertainers. The problem for Everton fans though, will be that 10 of those goals have been shipped into their own net. Everton have never looked better going forward in the Premier League era than they do right now. The creative talents of Miralles, Pienaar, Barkley, Lukaku, Osman and the criminally underrated Naysmith all swarm with waspish intent no matter which quartet are picked each week to find holes in the oppositions defence. Seven goals in three games is just reward for such talent, but goals matter for little when you’re letting them in by the bucket loads behind you.
Few teams have had more stable back lines over the past five years than Everton. Martinez did little to change the rear guard which David Moyes built and instead set his sights on improving Everton higher up the pitch (as well as introducing a passing game). But that back line is now showing serious signs of age. Sylvain Distin has been one of the biggest unsung hero’s of the premier league era, but he is turning 37 in December and quite simply cannot go on forever. Alongside him both Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines appear to have arrived back home with a World Cup hangover. At 29 and 32 both have probably already peaked and it is worrying that they have yet to get into their stride. Coleman, offensively, remains the best right back in the league alongside the towering colossus that is Branislav Ivanovic. But he remains callow when being attacked and was guilty of several errors during a defeat that laid the foundations of the team bare for all to see. Behind the back four, Tim Howard remains a solid, if occasionally enigmatic presence. The big American has rarely been more than 10 games away from a howler, and was lucky not to be sent off on Saturday. Twice.
It was certainly hard to see this coming when Everton were 2-0 up with barely ten minutes left to Arsenal last week. But since then they have shipped 8 goals in less than two hours and now have two must win games on the horizon before the annual battering at Anfield. With two days left of the transfer window it is unlikely that Everton will look to strengthen. They have the talented John Stones in reserve and the case for him to start now looks stronger than ever. Beyond that though, they are very thin. Tony Hibbert remains on the books and so, apparently, does Antolin Alcaraz. The Paraguayan player recently likened his career at Everton to “being in prison,” which hardly bodes well for his reintroduction (there is a massive, massive pun in here somewhere which I’m too tired to make).
The big issue of course, is whether or not this decline is terminal. The season remains young and Everton have hardly had an easy start. But if they are to get anywhere near the heights they achieved last year, they will need to correct the problems at the back urgently. Any more of this and even Lawro might predict more than 1 goal.
Alternative Game of the Weekend:
Newcastle 3 Palace 3. An absolute belter. Neil Warnock, the Premier League welcomes you back to its hallowed shores.
Manager of the Weekend:
Brendan Rodgers. People are quick to jump on Liverpool’s defensive frailties as a sign of weakness in Rodgers. Whilst that might be true, he remains a shrewd tactician and consistently tore teams to shreds last season by working out what system would cause them the most trouble. He could certainly do with some Jose re-training at the back, but he proved again today that, as an attacking coach, he is arguably the finest in the league.
Person most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:
Any of the defenders who scored in the St James Park goalfest. Utterly shirking their main job to pop up at the other end and do what literally any Newcastle striker is unable to do.
Actual player of the Weekend:
Gylfi Sigurdsson. Deemed not good enough to be given a chance as chief string puller for Spurs, the Icelandic international has been in scintillating form since returning to the Welsh coast. His display at the weekend was like Beethoven in his prime. Or, you know, whoever conducts Beethoven in his prime.
Ok so I was well out of my depth with that analogy.
Fantasy Football disaster of the Weekend:
Loading your attack with Man City players, captaining Aguero and laughing as Manchester United failed at lunchtime...
Journalistic Quote of the Weekend:
“City are trying to find a way to sign the £55m Falcao whilst sticking to Financial Fair Play...”
Manager Quote of the Weekend:
Jose Mourinho - “I spent 90 minutes with my defence drilling them for this game. I should have stayed home with my wife.”
What you may have missed:
A feast of attacking football from Manchester United’s £150m frontline. A feast of attacking football from Manchester City’s £150m frontline. Nathan Dyer being the best English winger never to receive even a token call up. Saints finally shaking off their summer blues. Aston Villa being 3rd in the table. Javier Hernandez not being deemed good enough for Man Utd, but moving to second tier team Real Madrid instead. Yaya Sanogo giving a performance that would have made Carlton Cole blush. Another human being possessing the same first name as Yaya Toure. Ryan Bird being top of my Fantasy Football League and finally, Gary Linker’s absolutely fucking god awful to hell and back facial hair on Match of the Day.
Which was still better than Phil Neville.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
Sunday, 31 August 2014
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Week Two - The Key Issues
The Big Issue - It’s not the players Arsene, it’s you.
And, well, the players. But we’ll come to that. Everton were once again involved in the game of the weekend, by virtue of goals, entertainment and drama if not actual quality. And whilst I’ll no doubt cover the poetic grace of Seamus Coleman, twinkling feet of Kevin Miralles and lumbering blind alley running of Romelu Lukaku at a later date... for now I’d like to focus on Arsenal.
Each and every year Wenger proudly boasts that this time his squad is capable of challenging for the title... and each and every year they come up short. This season, he added the star quality of Alexis Sanchez to his merry band of midfield maestros, upgraded from the French reserve right back to the actual French right back and snaffled upcoming star Calum Chambers from the much pillaged Southampton Youth Academy. The problem, is that none of that matters when Wenger has about as much tactical flexibility as a bunch of Sunday leaguers who still play 4-4-2 because “that’s the English way.” It’s all very well saying that Sanchez can play through the middle, but that is completely pointless if he’s going to play as a ball retaining number 9 aka Olivier Giroud. He is not that player and never well be, regardless of whether or not he’s fully fit. Wenger wants to have his cake and eat it by trying to emulate the Barca midfield template, whilst also having a big man up top to pump it long to. The second tactic might make more sense if Wenger had the striker resource of Manchester City (or even Manchester United) but he doesn’t. He has Giroud, followed by nobody else of proven quality and has thus far steadfast refused to purchase a new striker. Despite it being obvious to everyone in the entire solar system that he needs one.
Wenger could easily put out a team of Ramsey, Ozil, Cazorla, Walcot/Ox and Sanchez with Flamini sitting. The 5 midfielders, all well capable of playing quick, interlinking passing football, could rotate fluidly like the great Spain did prior to this World Cup. Ramsey has developed into a superb box to box midfielder and could burst from deep to enjoy the space created by a false 9. But the system doesn’t work when he sticks rigidly to a 4-3-3 which provides no cover for his fullbacks, no main focal point (if Giroud doesn’t play) and doesn’t allow the creative talents of Ozil and Cazorla to roam. It was no surprise then, that following Giroud’s arrival Arsenal looked a lot more dangerous. Scraping a draw they barely deserved and returning back home with a share of the spoils. This was a really poor game though, with a staggering 38 misplaced passes in the first half alone, and it smacked of two teams still hung over from the World Cup.
Arsenal will not win the title this year, or indeed any major trophy until Wenger allows some tactical flexibility within his ranks. Each and every week you see teams change the system as well as the players if things aren’t working. Wenger never, ever does. If things aren’t going well, all he will ever do is make like for like replacements until the final and inevitable whistle comes. Arsenal got out of jail this weekend. But with bigger and more vital tests to come over the course of the year, you sense they won’t get that lucky again unless they can either do something different, or actually buy a proper, world class centre forward.
And seriously what is with that kit? If it was any tighter it would be a wet suit. I’m pretty sure Sanchez couldn’t breathe...
Alternative Game of the Weekend:
Aston Villa v Newcastle. Two teams at the absolute pinnacle of their defensive power. Alan Hutton, Phillippe Senderos, Paul Dummett. A treat for paint dry watchers everywhere.
Potential Signing of the Weekend:
Angel Di Maria. Rumoured to be costing Manchester United a preposterous £63m, there are two things to remember here. One, is that United have been found to be wanting, with their pants down and desperate to pay over the odds for any top player on offer. Second, Di Maria is a top, top player. And no fee should detract from that fact. A player who was the best on the pitch in the Champions League final and voted the player of the season for Real last time around. The Argentinian will instantly be the finest player on the park when he meets his new team mates, and that is just about the only thing that matters.
Potential Gamble of the Weekend:
Mario Balotelli. £16m, certainly when compared to the above, appears to be an absolute steal for a player who is proven class. But aside from the fact that Liverpool appear to be collecting the World’s best penalty takers, this signing effectively amounts to taking £16m to Vegas and placing it all on black.
That is not a racist joke. Please don’t report me.
Although I could probably have used a better analogy.
Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:
Tom Huddlestone. Coasted through against the superior numbers of Stoke with a glazed “I can’t believe they’re playing this badly” look in his eye. Teed up the goal, casually stroked a few passes around with wand of right foot. Once broke into a run.
Actual Player of the Weekend:
Erik Lamela. Who? Exactly. Remember the name...
Quote of the Weekend:
Harry Redknapp on Malky Mackay “he’s not a murderer, a rapist or paedophile... he’s a great lad. He’s just made a mistake. People make mistakes in life and he shouldn’t be hung for that”
Harry, let me break it down to you nice and clear. It’s not about making a “mistake” here. A mistake is when you fall over and break something. A mistake is people who don’t know the difference between your and you’re. A mistake is playing Tom Cleverley in a football match. A mistake is not “being a racist”. That’s called, being a fucking racist.
Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:
Having James Chester on your bench in Week One. And having him as your captain in Week Two.
Unexpected Goal Feast of the Weekend:
Crystal Palace 1, West Ham 3. Seriously? Who saw that one coming? Certainly not Big Sam. I mean, even Carlton Cole scored!? I know. Carlton. Cole.
This guy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4laIHVZtBKE
Move of the Weekend:
Nacer Chadli’s second goal in Spurs 4-0 victory was preceded by a staggering 48 consecutive passes. 48!? Stop it lads.
What you may have missed:
Aston Villa not getting a shot on target. Everton & Arsenal scoring 4 goals from just 5 shots on target. Southampton and West Brom doing all they could to beat Villa & Newcastle to the final MOTD slot. Charlie Austin not even being in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Rio Ferdinand wishing he hadn’t been in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Barcelona coasting to an easy win with 10 men (for a laugh) in their first La Liga match. Tom Cleverley apparently finding a team mate with a pass. Leighton Baines growing his hair out. Mauricio Pochettino taking a lot less time than Louis Van Gaal to install a new way of playing. And finally, Derby County battering Fulham to make it four losses on the spin for the seemingly doomed Cottagers.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
And, well, the players. But we’ll come to that. Everton were once again involved in the game of the weekend, by virtue of goals, entertainment and drama if not actual quality. And whilst I’ll no doubt cover the poetic grace of Seamus Coleman, twinkling feet of Kevin Miralles and lumbering blind alley running of Romelu Lukaku at a later date... for now I’d like to focus on Arsenal.
Each and every year Wenger proudly boasts that this time his squad is capable of challenging for the title... and each and every year they come up short. This season, he added the star quality of Alexis Sanchez to his merry band of midfield maestros, upgraded from the French reserve right back to the actual French right back and snaffled upcoming star Calum Chambers from the much pillaged Southampton Youth Academy. The problem, is that none of that matters when Wenger has about as much tactical flexibility as a bunch of Sunday leaguers who still play 4-4-2 because “that’s the English way.” It’s all very well saying that Sanchez can play through the middle, but that is completely pointless if he’s going to play as a ball retaining number 9 aka Olivier Giroud. He is not that player and never well be, regardless of whether or not he’s fully fit. Wenger wants to have his cake and eat it by trying to emulate the Barca midfield template, whilst also having a big man up top to pump it long to. The second tactic might make more sense if Wenger had the striker resource of Manchester City (or even Manchester United) but he doesn’t. He has Giroud, followed by nobody else of proven quality and has thus far steadfast refused to purchase a new striker. Despite it being obvious to everyone in the entire solar system that he needs one.
Wenger could easily put out a team of Ramsey, Ozil, Cazorla, Walcot/Ox and Sanchez with Flamini sitting. The 5 midfielders, all well capable of playing quick, interlinking passing football, could rotate fluidly like the great Spain did prior to this World Cup. Ramsey has developed into a superb box to box midfielder and could burst from deep to enjoy the space created by a false 9. But the system doesn’t work when he sticks rigidly to a 4-3-3 which provides no cover for his fullbacks, no main focal point (if Giroud doesn’t play) and doesn’t allow the creative talents of Ozil and Cazorla to roam. It was no surprise then, that following Giroud’s arrival Arsenal looked a lot more dangerous. Scraping a draw they barely deserved and returning back home with a share of the spoils. This was a really poor game though, with a staggering 38 misplaced passes in the first half alone, and it smacked of two teams still hung over from the World Cup.
Arsenal will not win the title this year, or indeed any major trophy until Wenger allows some tactical flexibility within his ranks. Each and every week you see teams change the system as well as the players if things aren’t working. Wenger never, ever does. If things aren’t going well, all he will ever do is make like for like replacements until the final and inevitable whistle comes. Arsenal got out of jail this weekend. But with bigger and more vital tests to come over the course of the year, you sense they won’t get that lucky again unless they can either do something different, or actually buy a proper, world class centre forward.
And seriously what is with that kit? If it was any tighter it would be a wet suit. I’m pretty sure Sanchez couldn’t breathe...
Alternative Game of the Weekend:
Aston Villa v Newcastle. Two teams at the absolute pinnacle of their defensive power. Alan Hutton, Phillippe Senderos, Paul Dummett. A treat for paint dry watchers everywhere.
Potential Signing of the Weekend:
Angel Di Maria. Rumoured to be costing Manchester United a preposterous £63m, there are two things to remember here. One, is that United have been found to be wanting, with their pants down and desperate to pay over the odds for any top player on offer. Second, Di Maria is a top, top player. And no fee should detract from that fact. A player who was the best on the pitch in the Champions League final and voted the player of the season for Real last time around. The Argentinian will instantly be the finest player on the park when he meets his new team mates, and that is just about the only thing that matters.
Potential Gamble of the Weekend:
Mario Balotelli. £16m, certainly when compared to the above, appears to be an absolute steal for a player who is proven class. But aside from the fact that Liverpool appear to be collecting the World’s best penalty takers, this signing effectively amounts to taking £16m to Vegas and placing it all on black.
That is not a racist joke. Please don’t report me.
Although I could probably have used a better analogy.
Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:
Tom Huddlestone. Coasted through against the superior numbers of Stoke with a glazed “I can’t believe they’re playing this badly” look in his eye. Teed up the goal, casually stroked a few passes around with wand of right foot. Once broke into a run.
Actual Player of the Weekend:
Erik Lamela. Who? Exactly. Remember the name...
Quote of the Weekend:
Harry Redknapp on Malky Mackay “he’s not a murderer, a rapist or paedophile... he’s a great lad. He’s just made a mistake. People make mistakes in life and he shouldn’t be hung for that”
Harry, let me break it down to you nice and clear. It’s not about making a “mistake” here. A mistake is when you fall over and break something. A mistake is people who don’t know the difference between your and you’re. A mistake is playing Tom Cleverley in a football match. A mistake is not “being a racist”. That’s called, being a fucking racist.
Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:
Having James Chester on your bench in Week One. And having him as your captain in Week Two.
Unexpected Goal Feast of the Weekend:
Crystal Palace 1, West Ham 3. Seriously? Who saw that one coming? Certainly not Big Sam. I mean, even Carlton Cole scored!? I know. Carlton. Cole.
This guy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4laIHVZtBKE
Move of the Weekend:
Nacer Chadli’s second goal in Spurs 4-0 victory was preceded by a staggering 48 consecutive passes. 48!? Stop it lads.
What you may have missed:
Aston Villa not getting a shot on target. Everton & Arsenal scoring 4 goals from just 5 shots on target. Southampton and West Brom doing all they could to beat Villa & Newcastle to the final MOTD slot. Charlie Austin not even being in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Rio Ferdinand wishing he hadn’t been in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Barcelona coasting to an easy win with 10 men (for a laugh) in their first La Liga match. Tom Cleverley apparently finding a team mate with a pass. Leighton Baines growing his hair out. Mauricio Pochettino taking a lot less time than Louis Van Gaal to install a new way of playing. And finally, Derby County battering Fulham to make it four losses on the spin for the seemingly doomed Cottagers.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Week One - The Key Issues
The Premier League burst back into life this weekend with goals, shocks, red cards, terrible penalty decisions, even more terrible actual penalties and more drama than a night out in the Bigg Market. After inventing, curating and perfecting the 5 things modus operandi (Citation: only one of those is true) - it feels time for a change. This season I will be focussing on one big issue each week, supplemented with more humorous and irreverent littler ones, that hopefully the Podcasts, Fan Forums, Journos & Pundits may have missed. And what Alan Shearer definitely will have.
So here we go:
The Big Issue - Louis van Gaal is balls deep
New season, same old shite is, to put it bluntly, the thin end of the wedge. Van Gaal is many things, but he’s not an idiot. And whilst he arrived with an honourable but flawed notion that he had to “assess the squad for himself” before making any changes; he also wasted little time telling the press from day one that this was a much harder job than it looked. The squad was “broken” he said, after a series of performances last season that the players appeared to have forgotten they were responsible for. He would need “at least two seasons” before he could be truly judged and that it would take at least “three months” for the players to fully understand his methods. He will, barring an unmitigated disaster, almost certainly get more time than Moyes despite the car crash that was Saturday lunchtime. Crucially, LVG looks and acts like a man in charge of, in terms of supporters and finance, one of the biggest clubs in the World. Moyes never did, and it was his off the field persona that actually got him sacked far more quickly than results on it. The board will give LVG time to instill his methods and clear out the dead weight from a squad that Ferguson wrung every last drop from before retiring. But dear god... what a lot of dead weight it is.
Of the team that started on Saturday a full 8 wouldn’t expect to get anywhere near the first eleven of the teams that finished in the top 5 last year. Mata, De Gea and Rooney would have a chance, but even they would not feature in a premier league best eleven. Or even a second one. Typing this with the class of 92 DVD on my table, it is a sorry state of affairs for a team that regularly provided half of the entrants into almost every team of the season. After just 45 minutes of competitive football LVG abandoned the 3-5-2 formation he’d spent all preseason trialling and resorted to a 4-4-2 with Nani on the pitch. With ten minutes left he was playing Marouane Fellaini up front. This was hardly the tactical masterclass that we had seen in the World Cup and afterwards the Dutchman was brutally honest in his assessment of the teams ability and performance. He at least accepted responsibility for his failed tactics, which was the single aspect of the whole affair that stood him out from Moyes.
United need 3-5 new players to challenge for the top 4, even without the distraction of Europe. Two new centre backs, at least one specialist wing back, another forward as cover and a defensive midfielder are an absolute must. As is getting rid of almost 50% of the squad that failed so badly last time around. Nani cannot be allowed to step on the pitch of Old Trafford again. People are laughing at the club. And not just his agent.
The fixture generator could not have been kinder to Van Gaal and trips to Burnley and Sunderland should not be looked upon with fear just yet. But these are worrying times for United fans and a stark reminder yet again that no club has a right to win football matches. They have to be earned through a mixture of ability and application. Ultimately, Swansea City showed Van Gaal exactly what was missing from his current squad. That the Welsh party poopers are probably only the 10th best team in the league, was the most worrying thing of all.
Game of the Weekend:
Leicester 2, Everton 2. A pulsating return to the top flight for the Foxes full of fantastic finishing, end to end drama and typical controversy. If this is what Leicester will treat us to each week, they’re welcome for a lot longer than West Ham.
Referee of the Weekend:
Chris Foy. West Ham v Spurs. Look, the man did everything he good to try and make this game more interesting. And I commend him for that.
Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:
Laurent Koscielny. Was at fault for the opening goal, fell over twice, looked generally unconvincing but was in the right place, at the right time to score an equaliser. By essentially falling over.
Actual player of the weekend:
Curtis Davies. Pub player turned pro, Hull’s captain and perfecter of the 3-5-2 system that Louis Van Gaal is trying to copy. Also better than any of Man United’s current centre backs.
Quote of the weekend:
Jonathan Pearce, commentating on the Arsenal v Palace game when Hangeland scored. “the person who would have enjoyed that most is sat at home, his name, TONY PULIS!”
Really Jonathan? Really?
Supportive Tweet of the Weekend:
Tony Fernandes (Chairman of QPR) - “19 chances. Need to covert them but we created them. Few more signings...”
Nothing like subtly telling your strikers to collect their P45’s eh Tony.
Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:
Having Noble and Austin in your team “because they don’t miss penalties.”
What you may have missed:
Arsenal not signing a striker. West Ham buying 38 strikers and not knowing what to do with them. Jordan Henderson’s delicious through ball for Liverpool’s opener. The entirety of the Scottish Premier League. England absolutely battering India in the Cricket and Bear Flat retaining the Jon Darcy Memorial Dominator Trophy. More silverware than a night out in New Mexico that lot...
Until next week.
So here we go:
The Big Issue - Louis van Gaal is balls deep
New season, same old shite is, to put it bluntly, the thin end of the wedge. Van Gaal is many things, but he’s not an idiot. And whilst he arrived with an honourable but flawed notion that he had to “assess the squad for himself” before making any changes; he also wasted little time telling the press from day one that this was a much harder job than it looked. The squad was “broken” he said, after a series of performances last season that the players appeared to have forgotten they were responsible for. He would need “at least two seasons” before he could be truly judged and that it would take at least “three months” for the players to fully understand his methods. He will, barring an unmitigated disaster, almost certainly get more time than Moyes despite the car crash that was Saturday lunchtime. Crucially, LVG looks and acts like a man in charge of, in terms of supporters and finance, one of the biggest clubs in the World. Moyes never did, and it was his off the field persona that actually got him sacked far more quickly than results on it. The board will give LVG time to instill his methods and clear out the dead weight from a squad that Ferguson wrung every last drop from before retiring. But dear god... what a lot of dead weight it is.
Of the team that started on Saturday a full 8 wouldn’t expect to get anywhere near the first eleven of the teams that finished in the top 5 last year. Mata, De Gea and Rooney would have a chance, but even they would not feature in a premier league best eleven. Or even a second one. Typing this with the class of 92 DVD on my table, it is a sorry state of affairs for a team that regularly provided half of the entrants into almost every team of the season. After just 45 minutes of competitive football LVG abandoned the 3-5-2 formation he’d spent all preseason trialling and resorted to a 4-4-2 with Nani on the pitch. With ten minutes left he was playing Marouane Fellaini up front. This was hardly the tactical masterclass that we had seen in the World Cup and afterwards the Dutchman was brutally honest in his assessment of the teams ability and performance. He at least accepted responsibility for his failed tactics, which was the single aspect of the whole affair that stood him out from Moyes.
United need 3-5 new players to challenge for the top 4, even without the distraction of Europe. Two new centre backs, at least one specialist wing back, another forward as cover and a defensive midfielder are an absolute must. As is getting rid of almost 50% of the squad that failed so badly last time around. Nani cannot be allowed to step on the pitch of Old Trafford again. People are laughing at the club. And not just his agent.
The fixture generator could not have been kinder to Van Gaal and trips to Burnley and Sunderland should not be looked upon with fear just yet. But these are worrying times for United fans and a stark reminder yet again that no club has a right to win football matches. They have to be earned through a mixture of ability and application. Ultimately, Swansea City showed Van Gaal exactly what was missing from his current squad. That the Welsh party poopers are probably only the 10th best team in the league, was the most worrying thing of all.
Game of the Weekend:
Leicester 2, Everton 2. A pulsating return to the top flight for the Foxes full of fantastic finishing, end to end drama and typical controversy. If this is what Leicester will treat us to each week, they’re welcome for a lot longer than West Ham.
Referee of the Weekend:
Chris Foy. West Ham v Spurs. Look, the man did everything he good to try and make this game more interesting. And I commend him for that.
Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:
Laurent Koscielny. Was at fault for the opening goal, fell over twice, looked generally unconvincing but was in the right place, at the right time to score an equaliser. By essentially falling over.
Actual player of the weekend:
Curtis Davies. Pub player turned pro, Hull’s captain and perfecter of the 3-5-2 system that Louis Van Gaal is trying to copy. Also better than any of Man United’s current centre backs.
Quote of the weekend:
Jonathan Pearce, commentating on the Arsenal v Palace game when Hangeland scored. “the person who would have enjoyed that most is sat at home, his name, TONY PULIS!”
Really Jonathan? Really?
Supportive Tweet of the Weekend:
Tony Fernandes (Chairman of QPR) - “19 chances. Need to covert them but we created them. Few more signings...”
Nothing like subtly telling your strikers to collect their P45’s eh Tony.
Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:
Having Noble and Austin in your team “because they don’t miss penalties.”
What you may have missed:
Arsenal not signing a striker. West Ham buying 38 strikers and not knowing what to do with them. Jordan Henderson’s delicious through ball for Liverpool’s opener. The entirety of the Scottish Premier League. England absolutely battering India in the Cricket and Bear Flat retaining the Jon Darcy Memorial Dominator Trophy. More silverware than a night out in New Mexico that lot...
Until next week.
Monday, 28 July 2014
Amphibious – Brian Yuzna
(the sporting guru takes time out to review a really bad horror movie as a favour for a friend. The Monkey would like to reassure his loyal fan base that this is a mere sideshow from his day job of reviewing Premier League football... but it is the close season... and he may toss out a review of Sharknado 2 as well)
You are what it eats
As a general rule, there are three types of creature feature
film. The good. The bad. And the so bad they’re good. Amphibious, the latest
offering from Brian Yuzna, is not good. It’s not even bad. Infact, it’s so far
past bad that it goes all the way around so bad it’s good and back again.
That’s right. Amphibious is so bad it’s bad. A new level of
feature film ineptitude.
The problems with the film are vast. That the cast can’t act
is taken as a given for a low budget creature feature. But they don’t ever
appear to be trying here. It’s like they know they’ll never make it past the
straight to DVD section of their careers and have resigned themselves to this
fate long ago. The lead actress is passable, despite an accent that wanders
more often than the errant camerawork. The villains however, are caricatures of
caricatures. And the romantic lead is about as romantic as the giant scorpion
he is eventually killed by.
It’s hard to summarise a plot that makes no sense. There is
a giant sea scorpion which has apparently been created by a mixture of the
Tsunami and unexplained witchcraft. For no reason I could fathom, it attacks a
group of smugglers and child labourers who seem to live on a large floating
raft. Early on the second in command is killed and it takes a full 24 hours for
anyone to notice. Despite them all living on a large… floating… raft. Elsewhere
a child is killed by a blow to the head, yet wakes up several hours later to
deliver some final, meaningless words. Blood still fresh and flowing on his
wound. He then dies in 2 seconds flat. There is also something going on about a
lost daughter, and a character who is fat and clumsy and spectacularly unfunny.
Oh and around 20% of the entire movie is just an ominous shot of the same patch
of water not moving. I’ll be honest, within twenty minutes I was rooting for
the Scorpion.
But you don’t watch a film called Amphibious for the plot,
you watch it for the gore (plentiful, mostly absurd), nudity (almost nil, one pair
of clearly cgi boobs mid-impalement) and sense of humour (completely absent).
And, of course, for the monster. Amphibious doesn’t have the worst monster
you’ve ever seen (step forward Son of Godzilla), but it’s far from the best.
The CGI is competent but the genetic make-up of the monster make little sense,
given it moves like a Scorpion on land but appears to then morph into a squid
in the water. There is also far too much stinger impalement and too little
savage claw dismemberment for my liking.
The main problem with the film, other than the obvious fact
that it’s complete and utter shit, is that Amphibious is not interesting enough
to sustain its initial premise. It is devoid of humour and appears to be taking
it’s over complicated, overly stupid plot seriously. That it’s racists, sexist
and homophobic is almost an afterword by comparison. If you’ve been
unlucky/stupid enough to endure the entire film, you’ll be further treated to
an end that only makes things ever more confusing than before.
It’s been a long time since Re-Animator, and Brian Yuzna
doesn’t look he’s going to strike gold again anytime soon. Amphibious is
boring, senseless, witless and terrible in almost every conceivable way. Hell,
at one point I even found myself wishing Tara Reid was in it just so I could
laugh.
*
Friday, 11 July 2014
Five Things We Learnt From The World Cup Knockouts
1. The goal gods were saving themselves?
The group stages saw a record number of goals scored. 136 in total at an
average of almost 3 per match. Owing to a number of factors; the oppressive
heat, nervousness, better defending, awful finishing, the continued presence of
Argentina in the tournament… said goals dried up like a desert as soon as we
entered the business end of the tournament. Excluding the “rout of Belo Horizonte” there have been a miserable 24 goals scored
in 13 knockout games. The bottom half of the draw has seen Holland and
Argentina play the last 450 minutes between them for a single, hit and hope
effort. A good job then for that semi-final
in Belo. Proving that in the desert, when it rains… it really does pour.
2. Brazil should be ashamed & embarrassed. But…
The score line is not as significant as people think. The crucial, take home factor here is that Brazil lost the match. Losing it 1-0 in the 119th minute, being beaten 4-3 in an end to end thriller or being routed 7-1 by vastly superior opposition all deliver different versions of despair. But they all have the same overriding feels of loss and disappointment. In the context of Brazil and the World Cup, yes this result was historic, but in terms of football in general over the past 4 years? Not really. Routs are becoming much more common place at the highest level as the semi-finals of the Champions League have shown of late. Such is the attacking talent that the top teams now possess, if they get 1 or 2 gone are the days when they sit back and protect the lead. Teams go for the jugular more than ever and if being hammered by a rival meant the end of your football pedigree, Arsenal would have long since collapsed and given up by now. At the end of the day, Brazil fans will easily forgive and forget this defeat should they go and win the thing in 4 years. Granted that seems unlikely with this current crop of players and one cannot use the above excuse to mask Brazil’s failings. They had been lucky to get this far and the performances of Luiz, Hulk, Fred and Marcello beggared belief in their collective ineptitude. Huge swaths of space were open for the entire German midfield to run into and it’s hard to think of a 5 minute period at this level where one team has collapsed so badly. Brazil still possess good players, many of which weren’t even included in Scolari’s faintly blinkered squad. But this match showed them up for what they were, a once great nation coasting on past glories and a wonderfully organised, attended and vibrant tournament. When your goals against column has to be written in brackets (seven), you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
The score line is not as significant as people think. The crucial, take home factor here is that Brazil lost the match. Losing it 1-0 in the 119th minute, being beaten 4-3 in an end to end thriller or being routed 7-1 by vastly superior opposition all deliver different versions of despair. But they all have the same overriding feels of loss and disappointment. In the context of Brazil and the World Cup, yes this result was historic, but in terms of football in general over the past 4 years? Not really. Routs are becoming much more common place at the highest level as the semi-finals of the Champions League have shown of late. Such is the attacking talent that the top teams now possess, if they get 1 or 2 gone are the days when they sit back and protect the lead. Teams go for the jugular more than ever and if being hammered by a rival meant the end of your football pedigree, Arsenal would have long since collapsed and given up by now. At the end of the day, Brazil fans will easily forgive and forget this defeat should they go and win the thing in 4 years. Granted that seems unlikely with this current crop of players and one cannot use the above excuse to mask Brazil’s failings. They had been lucky to get this far and the performances of Luiz, Hulk, Fred and Marcello beggared belief in their collective ineptitude. Huge swaths of space were open for the entire German midfield to run into and it’s hard to think of a 5 minute period at this level where one team has collapsed so badly. Brazil still possess good players, many of which weren’t even included in Scolari’s faintly blinkered squad. But this match showed them up for what they were, a once great nation coasting on past glories and a wonderfully organised, attended and vibrant tournament. When your goals against column has to be written in brackets (seven), you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
3. Germany now owe to us all to win.
Scoring seven goals against Brazil will ultimately count for nothing if Germany lose the final this Sunday. A victory for Argentina would surely see them crowned the most underwhelming victors in tournament history. Well organised, drilled and disciplined. They have essentially been Greece but with Lionel Messi. They deserve credit for not getting beaten, but none whatsoever for entertaining anybody. A similarly negative display in the final is almost a certainty and neutrals must be praying for an early goal to release the shackles a little. For the Germans, it’s hard to see beyond this being their moment. This wonderfully talented group of players have been around for three major tournaments now and come up short at each one. If they fail again against a team that they are better than in 10 out of 11 positions, they will forever be labelled as bottlers. That reputation, in its own way, will hurt just as much as the ones now being given to Brazil.
Scoring seven goals against Brazil will ultimately count for nothing if Germany lose the final this Sunday. A victory for Argentina would surely see them crowned the most underwhelming victors in tournament history. Well organised, drilled and disciplined. They have essentially been Greece but with Lionel Messi. They deserve credit for not getting beaten, but none whatsoever for entertaining anybody. A similarly negative display in the final is almost a certainty and neutrals must be praying for an early goal to release the shackles a little. For the Germans, it’s hard to see beyond this being their moment. This wonderfully talented group of players have been around for three major tournaments now and come up short at each one. If they fail again against a team that they are better than in 10 out of 11 positions, they will forever be labelled as bottlers. That reputation, in its own way, will hurt just as much as the ones now being given to Brazil.
4. The squad remains key to tournament longevity.
Playing so many games in so short a time, in high temperatures and oppressive humidity, is going to take its toll. It was little surprise then that teams who managed the conditions have also managed the tournament. Costa Rica looked dead on their feet in the knockout phase and were lucky to go as far as they ultimately did thanks to some outrageously errant finishing. Likewise France, who stormed their group but rested none of their key attackers or defenders and then looked jaded against the German machine. Belgium started the tournament tired and despite coming alive for the ridiculously entertaining USA match, then found themselves involved in one game too many against Argentina. Brazil, Argentina and Columbia have all managed the conditions well, as have the Dutch, by excellent use of rotation, drinks breaks and tactical switches. Germany of course took a different approach, score four goals in ten minutes and then take the rest of the semi-final off…
Playing so many games in so short a time, in high temperatures and oppressive humidity, is going to take its toll. It was little surprise then that teams who managed the conditions have also managed the tournament. Costa Rica looked dead on their feet in the knockout phase and were lucky to go as far as they ultimately did thanks to some outrageously errant finishing. Likewise France, who stormed their group but rested none of their key attackers or defenders and then looked jaded against the German machine. Belgium started the tournament tired and despite coming alive for the ridiculously entertaining USA match, then found themselves involved in one game too many against Argentina. Brazil, Argentina and Columbia have all managed the conditions well, as have the Dutch, by excellent use of rotation, drinks breaks and tactical switches. Germany of course took a different approach, score four goals in ten minutes and then take the rest of the semi-final off…
5. Let the shopping spree commence.
As ever following a World Cup, what tends to follow is a mad, frenzied bidding war for those players who hugely over achieved. It looks like being no different this time around with Costa Rican, Columbian and Mexican players all now being looked at in vastly more favourable lights than they were a month ago. This will almost certainly result in players who were massively pumped up for the occasion, producing pale shadows of these performances whilst playing for Sunderland on vastly inflated wages. Still, it’s always funny to point and laugh. So we’ve got that to look forward to.
As ever following a World Cup, what tends to follow is a mad, frenzied bidding war for those players who hugely over achieved. It looks like being no different this time around with Costa Rican, Columbian and Mexican players all now being looked at in vastly more favourable lights than they were a month ago. This will almost certainly result in players who were massively pumped up for the occasion, producing pale shadows of these performances whilst playing for Sunderland on vastly inflated wages. Still, it’s always funny to point and laugh. So we’ve got that to look forward to.
Hindu Monkey Team of the Tournament
Navas (Costa Rica)
Gonzalez – Vlaar – Hummels - Garay (Chile, Holland, Germany, Argentina)
Kroos - Mascherano - Rodriguez (Germany, Argentina, Columbia)
Robben -
Friday, 27 June 2014
World Cup Group Stages - The Digested Read
Group A
Ah Brazil, you great entertainers you, you wonderous party beasts, you fabulous hosts, you beautiful creatures... yeah, I’m talking about the fans. On the pitch Brazil have thus far got past Croatia thanks to the ref, failed to score against the worst team in Concaf qualifying and just about beaten a Cameroon team who are widely considered to the be the worst of all the 32 competing nations. But they have Neymar, who remains enigmatically brilliant even with a hair cut that would make Busted blush. Also through are Mexico, who are the group stage specialists of every World Cup. Never quite managing to pull of a kit colour that just... isn’t... the... right... shade... of... green, they nevertheless swept aside the visibly jaded Croats to set up a noble but inevitable defeat to the Dutch in the second round.
Player of the Group - Neymar. He really only looks good because he’s next to Fred and Hulk.
Flop of the Group - The Cameroon manager, who literally laughed at his own players and watch them fight like dogs whilst chipping up for the free Brahma
Group B
Well who saw that Spanish collapse coming? A lot of people judging by the faintly smug comments that peppered the media as Spain became the first team to bow out of this years tournament. Spain were risible for one half against Holland and both against Chile, but a lot of the media comments smacked a little bit of when people say “oh I think it’s a boy” and then look at you like they want a fucking medal when they get it right. Given Spain can still field an under 25 team that is the envy of almost everyone on the planet, they are likely far from over and whilst this was pretty horrible to watch, it merely makes it more entertaining to know that this is still such an open and brilliant sport. Elsewhere Holland took the praise for their revolutionary tactics of passing the ball to Robben and getting Van Persie near the fucking goal. Chile were the real winners of this group and their match up with Brazil promises to be the game of the round this Saturday. Indeed, with Australia weighing in with some first class entertainment and that fabulous Tim Cahill goal, this was probably the best group of the lot.
Player of the Group - Robben. The man is getting faster and better each year. Plus he has made hogging it an art form.
Flop of the Group - Casillas. Just horrible. In every way.
Group C
Columbia. Boom. I don’t want to sit here in my ivory tower and say I told you so. But my dark horses are currently the number one ranked form team of the tournament and that means one thing. They will almost certainly collapse from here. Granted they were in a group that included the risible Japan (has there been a more forgettable team in the last twenty years? Admit it, you’d forgotten they were in it hadn’t you?), the perennial failures that are the Ivory Coast. And Greece. Who somehow are through. Despite being... well, Greece.
Player of the Group - Rodriguez. I may start pronouncing my own surname Yam-es.
Flop of the Group - Kagawa. Maybe it’s time to free him from the sport, let alone just Man Utd. The poor lad looks lost.
Group D
As shocks go, Costa Rica topping a group made up of “three of the world’s ten best sides” (Citation - Fifa Rankings are terrible) was as big as any we’ve seen so far. The Americans haven’t just shut up and scraped through though, they thoroughly outplayed both Uruguay and Italy and beat both to secure the comedy of a dead rubber with England. Which they still didn’t lose. Uruguay also went through, but have probably already bitten off more than they can chew. The only thing more amusing than the latest Suarez bite incident was the ridiculous overreaction to it. Is it just me who finds it merely amusing? A 4 month ban from all football? Really? For an off the cuff nibble of somebody’s shoulder? Suarez is clearly a gifted mentalist and his time away from the game will be as much our loss as it is his own. Football loves villains, and it’s a shame that whilst we’re on the subject we couldn’t even create our own set this time. I mean come on England. We at least hoped you’d fail dramatically... or pathetically... or comically. You just went out tamely to teams who were slightly better than you. And we can’t even sack Roy because when we try and think of somebody better than you we get Steve Bruce applying for the job.
Player of the Group - Gonzalez. A lynch pin that the side builds from.
Flop of the Group - Pirlo. Such a player deserved to exit International football in a better way than this. (see also Xavi)
Group E
France, or Jess‘ Nursery team as I prefer to call them, have negotiated this group without breaking sweat and have been rewarded further with a meeting with Nigeria in the second round. Or in other words, a bye to the Quarter Finals. They are certainly playing with a swagger which suggests they will have a say in things and, in Karim Benzema, possess an underrated player at the top of his game. Switzerland also progressed at the expense of the flamboyant yet brittle Ecuadorians and the not at all flamboyant and brutal Hondas.
Player of the Group - Benzema. Has short hair ever looked so good?
Flop of the Group - Palacios. Thanks. For. Coming.
Group F
Easily the most boring group sawArgentina Lionel Messi win every game despite his team playing like a bunch of strangers who had just met the week before. Nigeria qualified by being less awful than Bosnia and Iran, who almost stole the show with one of the great nil nils in football history. Sadly as injury time ticked onwards, the nil nil became a Messi nil and that was that. Everyone involved in this group should probably take a long hard look at themselves.
Player of the Group - Messi. Heard of him?
Flop of the Group - Dzeko. Nobody likes a whiner Edin. Especially when you’ve been shit.
Group G
Now this was a great group. Whilst the ruthless Germans cleaned up it was left for the other teams to provide soap operas within soap operas about what would happen next. From Ronaldo’s fitness (dubious, but still managed 2,000 shots) to the USA’s tactics (just give it to Clint. Give. It. To. Clint.) This was a group that probably saved the best for last as Ghana battled back from defeat to collect a precious point against Germany, only to go down in a puff of smoke amidst match fixing allegations, in fighting and two players being sent home for what remains highly dubious reasons.
Player of the Group - Muller. Or maybe the pilot who urgently flew 3m (in CASH) into the country so Ghana would play their last match.
Flop of the Group - Muntari. Attacking your staff never usually gets great results Sulley. Also how is this man still in his twenties? He’s surely 50 by now.
Group H
Team Tin Tin sit proudly on 9 points despite only playing well for 6 minutes in a total running time of 278 and counting. Whilst the group winners flattered to deceive, they qualified by virtue of a risible Korean team and Russia. Who took one look at England’s performance under Capello four years ago and said “I want me some of that.” The real stars of the group were the riotously entertaining Algerians (again, I don’t want to say I told you so). The Africans flew the flag for their continent with bright, attacking play and fantastic support from their partisan fans. You fear for them against Germany next week, but they’ve earned the right to be routed royally and go home with their heads held high.
Player of the Group - Slimani. A slippery attacking presence who tore apart Korea.
Flop of the Group - Lukaku. His team may have won, but he didn’t. Has looked every bit the player Jose Mourinho doesn’t want at the moment.
And so onwards we march, with a spring in our step and no more than a cursory glance towards the soon to be rain soaked Wimbledon. This has been the best World Cup for over thirty years so far. Full of superb matches, open football and unexpectedly high drama.
Please don’t mourn England. Nobody else is. So let us enjoy this for what it is. Thus far, absolutely bloody marvelous.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
Ah Brazil, you great entertainers you, you wonderous party beasts, you fabulous hosts, you beautiful creatures... yeah, I’m talking about the fans. On the pitch Brazil have thus far got past Croatia thanks to the ref, failed to score against the worst team in Concaf qualifying and just about beaten a Cameroon team who are widely considered to the be the worst of all the 32 competing nations. But they have Neymar, who remains enigmatically brilliant even with a hair cut that would make Busted blush. Also through are Mexico, who are the group stage specialists of every World Cup. Never quite managing to pull of a kit colour that just... isn’t... the... right... shade... of... green, they nevertheless swept aside the visibly jaded Croats to set up a noble but inevitable defeat to the Dutch in the second round.
Player of the Group - Neymar. He really only looks good because he’s next to Fred and Hulk.
Flop of the Group - The Cameroon manager, who literally laughed at his own players and watch them fight like dogs whilst chipping up for the free Brahma
Group B
Well who saw that Spanish collapse coming? A lot of people judging by the faintly smug comments that peppered the media as Spain became the first team to bow out of this years tournament. Spain were risible for one half against Holland and both against Chile, but a lot of the media comments smacked a little bit of when people say “oh I think it’s a boy” and then look at you like they want a fucking medal when they get it right. Given Spain can still field an under 25 team that is the envy of almost everyone on the planet, they are likely far from over and whilst this was pretty horrible to watch, it merely makes it more entertaining to know that this is still such an open and brilliant sport. Elsewhere Holland took the praise for their revolutionary tactics of passing the ball to Robben and getting Van Persie near the fucking goal. Chile were the real winners of this group and their match up with Brazil promises to be the game of the round this Saturday. Indeed, with Australia weighing in with some first class entertainment and that fabulous Tim Cahill goal, this was probably the best group of the lot.
Player of the Group - Robben. The man is getting faster and better each year. Plus he has made hogging it an art form.
Flop of the Group - Casillas. Just horrible. In every way.
Group C
Columbia. Boom. I don’t want to sit here in my ivory tower and say I told you so. But my dark horses are currently the number one ranked form team of the tournament and that means one thing. They will almost certainly collapse from here. Granted they were in a group that included the risible Japan (has there been a more forgettable team in the last twenty years? Admit it, you’d forgotten they were in it hadn’t you?), the perennial failures that are the Ivory Coast. And Greece. Who somehow are through. Despite being... well, Greece.
Player of the Group - Rodriguez. I may start pronouncing my own surname Yam-es.
Flop of the Group - Kagawa. Maybe it’s time to free him from the sport, let alone just Man Utd. The poor lad looks lost.
Group D
As shocks go, Costa Rica topping a group made up of “three of the world’s ten best sides” (Citation - Fifa Rankings are terrible) was as big as any we’ve seen so far. The Americans haven’t just shut up and scraped through though, they thoroughly outplayed both Uruguay and Italy and beat both to secure the comedy of a dead rubber with England. Which they still didn’t lose. Uruguay also went through, but have probably already bitten off more than they can chew. The only thing more amusing than the latest Suarez bite incident was the ridiculous overreaction to it. Is it just me who finds it merely amusing? A 4 month ban from all football? Really? For an off the cuff nibble of somebody’s shoulder? Suarez is clearly a gifted mentalist and his time away from the game will be as much our loss as it is his own. Football loves villains, and it’s a shame that whilst we’re on the subject we couldn’t even create our own set this time. I mean come on England. We at least hoped you’d fail dramatically... or pathetically... or comically. You just went out tamely to teams who were slightly better than you. And we can’t even sack Roy because when we try and think of somebody better than you we get Steve Bruce applying for the job.
Player of the Group - Gonzalez. A lynch pin that the side builds from.
Flop of the Group - Pirlo. Such a player deserved to exit International football in a better way than this. (see also Xavi)
Group E
France, or Jess‘ Nursery team as I prefer to call them, have negotiated this group without breaking sweat and have been rewarded further with a meeting with Nigeria in the second round. Or in other words, a bye to the Quarter Finals. They are certainly playing with a swagger which suggests they will have a say in things and, in Karim Benzema, possess an underrated player at the top of his game. Switzerland also progressed at the expense of the flamboyant yet brittle Ecuadorians and the not at all flamboyant and brutal Hondas.
Player of the Group - Benzema. Has short hair ever looked so good?
Flop of the Group - Palacios. Thanks. For. Coming.
Group F
Easily the most boring group saw
Player of the Group - Messi. Heard of him?
Flop of the Group - Dzeko. Nobody likes a whiner Edin. Especially when you’ve been shit.
Group G
Now this was a great group. Whilst the ruthless Germans cleaned up it was left for the other teams to provide soap operas within soap operas about what would happen next. From Ronaldo’s fitness (dubious, but still managed 2,000 shots) to the USA’s tactics (just give it to Clint. Give. It. To. Clint.) This was a group that probably saved the best for last as Ghana battled back from defeat to collect a precious point against Germany, only to go down in a puff of smoke amidst match fixing allegations, in fighting and two players being sent home for what remains highly dubious reasons.
Player of the Group - Muller. Or maybe the pilot who urgently flew 3m (in CASH) into the country so Ghana would play their last match.
Flop of the Group - Muntari. Attacking your staff never usually gets great results Sulley. Also how is this man still in his twenties? He’s surely 50 by now.
Group H
Team Tin Tin sit proudly on 9 points despite only playing well for 6 minutes in a total running time of 278 and counting. Whilst the group winners flattered to deceive, they qualified by virtue of a risible Korean team and Russia. Who took one look at England’s performance under Capello four years ago and said “I want me some of that.” The real stars of the group were the riotously entertaining Algerians (again, I don’t want to say I told you so). The Africans flew the flag for their continent with bright, attacking play and fantastic support from their partisan fans. You fear for them against Germany next week, but they’ve earned the right to be routed royally and go home with their heads held high.
Player of the Group - Slimani. A slippery attacking presence who tore apart Korea.
Flop of the Group - Lukaku. His team may have won, but he didn’t. Has looked every bit the player Jose Mourinho doesn’t want at the moment.
And so onwards we march, with a spring in our step and no more than a cursory glance towards the soon to be rain soaked Wimbledon. This has been the best World Cup for over thirty years so far. Full of superb matches, open football and unexpectedly high drama.
Please don’t mourn England. Nobody else is. So let us enjoy this for what it is. Thus far, absolutely bloody marvelous.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
Thursday, 12 June 2014
The World Cup Preview Edition
The tournament is but upon us, dreams are set to be made and
unmade, hopes to be raised and dashed and one lucky winner will emerge sweaty
and victorious in a month’s time. Who will it be? Who will shine? Who will
fail? Let the Monkey be your guide…
The Guide to the
Groups:
Group A: Expect
Brazil to overcome Croatia in a tricky opener before coasting to easy victories
against Mexico, who are woeful, and Cameroon, who are on strike.
Group B: A real humdinger of a group will see Australia horribly exposed against the attacking might of Chile, the tactical nous of Holland and the metronomic passing of Spain. A tough one to predict, but Spain should prevail.
Group C: Arguably the weakest group and expect few goals from Greece and Japan. Ivory Coast often flatter to deceive and Columbia have been rocked by the loss of their star striker. Given the conditions, it’s hard to look past the South Americans to come out on top of this one.
Group D: Italy v England is the key match here, with Uruguay expected to roll over Costa Rica and build early momentum. Games involving England will be tight and almost certainly boring beyond all reason.
Group E: Another strangely weak group should see France and Switzerland safely through at the expense of their South American cousins. How exactly were Switzerland seeded?
Group F: Argentina to score 65 goals and leave the other three teams to fight off the scraps for second. Everybody will rave about them, tip them to leave all others in their wake and then watch as they lose to the first decent side they play in the knockouts.
Group G: Arguably the toughest group of all with the Germans, Portugal (ranked 3rd in the world), the best team in Africa and the best team in er… North America. Whoever qualifies will have deserved it. Bank on Germany and then draw one of the others from a hat.
Group H: An interesting group featuring the underrated Algeria, the overrated Belgium and the wildly unpredictable Russia and North Korea, who everyone seems to have forgotten are even here. Belgium are well fancied, but this group will not be as easy for them as people are thinking.
Who will win:
Group B: A real humdinger of a group will see Australia horribly exposed against the attacking might of Chile, the tactical nous of Holland and the metronomic passing of Spain. A tough one to predict, but Spain should prevail.
Group C: Arguably the weakest group and expect few goals from Greece and Japan. Ivory Coast often flatter to deceive and Columbia have been rocked by the loss of their star striker. Given the conditions, it’s hard to look past the South Americans to come out on top of this one.
Group D: Italy v England is the key match here, with Uruguay expected to roll over Costa Rica and build early momentum. Games involving England will be tight and almost certainly boring beyond all reason.
Group E: Another strangely weak group should see France and Switzerland safely through at the expense of their South American cousins. How exactly were Switzerland seeded?
Group F: Argentina to score 65 goals and leave the other three teams to fight off the scraps for second. Everybody will rave about them, tip them to leave all others in their wake and then watch as they lose to the first decent side they play in the knockouts.
Group G: Arguably the toughest group of all with the Germans, Portugal (ranked 3rd in the world), the best team in Africa and the best team in er… North America. Whoever qualifies will have deserved it. Bank on Germany and then draw one of the others from a hat.
Group H: An interesting group featuring the underrated Algeria, the overrated Belgium and the wildly unpredictable Russia and North Korea, who everyone seems to have forgotten are even here. Belgium are well fancied, but this group will not be as easy for them as people are thinking.
Who will win:
Almost certainly one of Brazil, Spain, Argentina or Germany.
The hosts are favourites and that’s probably just about fair, especially if
Oscar and Neymar shine, but they are far from the great team of old. Spain are
the holders, they know how to win at this level when it matters and have still
not conceded a knockout goal in a barely conceivable three consecutive
tournaments. The front four of Argentina are so good they have to be considered
a major threat, even if their defence is made of balsa. And finally the
Germans, whose chances have dimmed slightly with the injury to Reus but will
still play with style and purpose and have enough talent to emerge triumphant.
The outside tip:
Columbia. Even without Falcao the South Americans have a fearsome attack and boast Jackson Martinez and James Rodriguez. Indeed, the latter was 5/1 on betfair earlier in the week to be his team’s top scorer. He will take all the penalties and free kicks and has been described as the most talented player in the country’s history. Get. In. On. That. Action. If they win the group they will likely face a tired, hot and combustible England or Italy in the second round and will almost certainly have too much pace and power for either. A humdinger of a quarter final with Brazil could beckon.
Columbia. Even without Falcao the South Americans have a fearsome attack and boast Jackson Martinez and James Rodriguez. Indeed, the latter was 5/1 on betfair earlier in the week to be his team’s top scorer. He will take all the penalties and free kicks and has been described as the most talented player in the country’s history. Get. In. On. That. Action. If they win the group they will likely face a tired, hot and combustible England or Italy in the second round and will almost certainly have too much pace and power for either. A humdinger of a quarter final with Brazil could beckon.
Who will win the
Golden Boot:
Probably somebody from Argentina given their group, but there is a risk of Higuain, Messi and Aguero sharing the goals around and allowing an outside option such as Benzema, Ballotelli, Rodriguez or Van Persie (if Holland can get through their group) to sneak in. Neymar is also well fancied, and if he wins this he will likely have shot his country to glory.
How will England do:
Probably somebody from Argentina given their group, but there is a risk of Higuain, Messi and Aguero sharing the goals around and allowing an outside option such as Benzema, Ballotelli, Rodriguez or Van Persie (if Holland can get through their group) to sneak in. Neymar is also well fancied, and if he wins this he will likely have shot his country to glory.
How will England do:
Awfully. There has been much talk of the young, talented
players at our disposal but that will mean nothing when a barely fit Rooney
lines up against Italy and Milner comes on as first sub. Beyond that though, it
is impossible to overstate how little the conditions will suit England. They
may well make it past the group as Italy will face similar problems but any
decent team will batter them. A narrow loss in the Quarter Final would be a phenomenal
achievement in the circumstances.
What to look forward
to:
Goals. With the notable exception of most of group C, this should
be a tournament where the cup runneth over with attacking play. It will be hot
and humid and teams will not be able to press for very long. This will mean
more space, more open play and a lot more errors as the games reach their
conclusions. The Brazilian crowd like to be entertained and expect them to turn
quickly on any side not playing in a positive manner. Also, as a general rule,
the standard of defending over the past five years has decreased markedly amongst
the big teams. Brazil have three players who should by rights be midfielders in
their back four and Argentina have three players who by rights shouldn’t even
be footballers in theirs. That these teams are considered the favourites
despite that, says everything about what people expect this World Cup to be. Open,
direct and a veritable feast of net busting action.
Or maybe I’m just dreaming.
Waves flag.
https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey
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