World Cup Group Stages - The Digested Read

Group A 

Ah Brazil, you great entertainers you, you wonderous party beasts, you fabulous hosts, you beautiful creatures... yeah, I’m talking about the fans. On the pitch Brazil have thus far got past Croatia thanks to the ref, failed to score against the worst team in Concaf qualifying and just about beaten a Cameroon team who are widely considered to the be the worst of all the 32 competing nations. But they have Neymar, who remains enigmatically brilliant even with a hair cut that would make Busted blush. Also through are Mexico, who are the group stage specialists of every World Cup. Never quite managing to pull of a kit colour that just... isn’t... the... right... shade... of... green, they nevertheless swept aside the visibly jaded Croats to set up a noble but inevitable defeat to the Dutch in the second round.


Player of the Group - Neymar. He really only looks good because he’s next to Fred and Hulk.

Flop of the Group - The Cameroon manager, who literally laughed at his own players and watch them fight like dogs whilst chipping up for the free Brahma

Group B

Well who saw that Spanish collapse coming? A lot of people judging by the faintly smug comments that peppered the media as Spain became the first team to bow out of this years tournament. Spain were risible for one half against Holland and both against Chile, but a lot of the media comments smacked a little bit of when people say “oh I think it’s a boy” and then look at you like they want a fucking medal when they get it right. Given Spain can still field an under 25 team that is the envy of almost everyone on the planet, they are likely far from over and whilst this was pretty horrible to watch, it merely makes it more entertaining to know that this is still such an open and brilliant sport. Elsewhere Holland took the praise for their revolutionary tactics of passing the ball to Robben and getting Van Persie near the fucking goal. Chile were the real winners of this group and their match up with Brazil promises to be the game of the round this Saturday. Indeed, with Australia weighing in with some first class entertainment and that fabulous Tim Cahill goal, this was probably the best group of the lot.

Player of the Group - Robben. The man is getting faster and better each year. Plus he has made hogging it an art form.

Flop of the Group - Casillas. Just horrible. In every way.

Group C

Columbia. Boom. I don’t want to sit here in my ivory tower and say I told you so. But my dark horses are currently the number one ranked form team of the tournament and that means one thing. They will almost certainly collapse from here. Granted they were in a group that included the risible Japan (has there been a more forgettable team in the last twenty years? Admit it, you’d forgotten they were in it hadn’t you?), the perennial failures that are the Ivory Coast. And Greece. Who somehow are through. Despite being... well, Greece.


Player of the Group - Rodriguez. I may start pronouncing my own surname Yam-es.
Flop of the Group - Kagawa. Maybe it’s time to free him from the sport, let alone just Man Utd. The poor lad looks lost.

Group D

As shocks go, Costa Rica topping a group made up of “three of the world’s ten best sides” (Citation - Fifa Rankings are terrible) was as big as any we’ve seen so far. The Americans haven’t just shut up and scraped through though, they thoroughly outplayed both Uruguay and Italy and beat both to secure the comedy of a dead rubber with England. Which they still didn’t lose. Uruguay also went through, but have probably already bitten off more than they can chew. The only thing more amusing than the latest Suarez bite incident was the ridiculous overreaction to it. Is it just me who finds it merely amusing? A 4 month ban from all football? Really? For an off the cuff nibble of somebody’s shoulder? Suarez is clearly a gifted mentalist and his time away from the game will be as much our loss as it is his own. Football loves villains, and it’s a shame that whilst we’re on the subject we couldn’t even create our own set this time. I mean come on England. We at least hoped you’d fail dramatically... or pathetically... or comically. You just went out tamely to teams who were slightly better than you. And we can’t even sack Roy because when we try and think of somebody better than you we get Steve Bruce applying for the job.

Player of the Group - Gonzalez. A lynch pin that the side builds from.

Flop of the Group - Pirlo. Such a player deserved to exit International football in a better way than this. (see also Xavi)

Group E

France, or Jess‘ Nursery team as I prefer to call them, have negotiated this group without breaking sweat and have been rewarded further with a meeting with Nigeria in the second round. Or in other words, a bye to the Quarter Finals. They are certainly playing with a swagger which suggests they will have a say in things and, in Karim Benzema, possess an underrated player at the top of his game. Switzerland also progressed at the expense of the flamboyant yet brittle Ecuadorians and the not at all flamboyant and brutal Hondas.  


Player of the Group - Benzema. Has short hair ever looked so good?
Flop of the Group - Palacios. Thanks. For. Coming.

Group F

Easily the most boring group saw Argentina Lionel Messi win every game despite his team playing like a bunch of strangers who had just met the week before. Nigeria qualified by being less awful than Bosnia and Iran, who almost stole the show with one of the great nil nils in football history. Sadly as injury time ticked onwards, the nil nil became a Messi nil and that was that. Everyone involved in this group should probably take a long hard look at themselves.

Player of the Group - Messi. Heard of him?
Flop of the Group - Dzeko. Nobody likes a whiner Edin. Especially when you’ve been shit.

Group G

Now this was a great group. Whilst the ruthless Germans cleaned up it was left for the other teams to provide soap operas within soap operas about what would happen next. From Ronaldo’s fitness (dubious, but still managed 2,000 shots) to the USA’s tactics (just give it to Clint. Give. It. To. Clint.) This was a group that probably saved the best for last as Ghana battled back from defeat to collect a precious point against Germany, only to go down in a puff of smoke amidst match fixing allegations, in fighting and two players being sent home for what remains highly dubious reasons. 



Player of the Group - Muller. Or maybe the pilot who urgently flew 3m (in CASH) into the country so Ghana would play their last match.

Flop of the Group - Muntari. Attacking your staff never usually gets great results Sulley. Also how is this man still in his twenties? He’s surely 50 by now.

Group H

Team Tin Tin sit proudly on 9 points despite only playing well for 6 minutes in a total running time of 278 and counting. Whilst the group winners flattered to deceive, they qualified by virtue of a risible Korean team and Russia. Who took one look at England’s performance under Capello four years ago and said “I want me some of that.” The real stars of the group were the riotously entertaining Algerians (again, I don’t want to say I told you so). The Africans flew the flag for their continent with bright, attacking play and fantastic support from their partisan fans. You fear for them against Germany next week, but they’ve earned the right to be routed royally and go home with their heads held high.

Player of the Group - Slimani. A slippery attacking presence who tore apart Korea.

Flop of the Group - Lukaku. His team may have won, but he didn’t. Has looked every bit the player Jose Mourinho doesn’t want at the moment.

And so onwards we march, with a spring in our step and no more than a cursory glance towards the soon to be rain soaked Wimbledon. This has been the best World Cup for over thirty years so far. Full of superb matches, open football and unexpectedly high drama.

Please don’t mourn England. Nobody else is. So let us enjoy this for what it is. Thus far, absolutely bloody marvelous.


https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey



The World Cup Preview Edition

The tournament is but upon us, dreams are set to be made and unmade, hopes to be raised and dashed and one lucky winner will emerge sweaty and victorious in a month’s time. Who will it be? Who will shine? Who will fail? Let the Monkey be your guide…

The Guide to the Groups:

Group A: Expect Brazil to overcome Croatia in a tricky opener before coasting to easy victories against Mexico, who are woeful, and Cameroon, who are on strike.
Group B: A real humdinger of a group will see Australia horribly exposed against the attacking might of Chile, the tactical nous of Holland and the metronomic passing of Spain. A tough one to predict, but Spain should prevail.
Group C: Arguably the weakest group and expect few goals from Greece and Japan. Ivory Coast often flatter to deceive and Columbia have been rocked by the loss of their star striker. Given the conditions, it’s hard to look past the South Americans to come out on top of this one.
Group D: Italy v England is the key match here, with Uruguay expected to roll over Costa Rica and build early momentum. Games involving England will be tight and almost certainly boring beyond all reason.
Group E: Another strangely weak group should see France and Switzerland safely through at the expense of their South American cousins. How exactly were Switzerland seeded?
Group F: Argentina to score 65 goals and leave the other three teams to fight off the scraps for second. Everybody will rave about them, tip them to leave all others in their wake and then watch as they lose to the first decent side they play in the knockouts.
Group G: Arguably the toughest group of all with the Germans, Portugal (ranked 3^rd in the world), the best team in Africa and the best team in er… North America. Whoever qualifies will have deserved it. Bank on Germany and then draw one of the others from a hat.
Group H: An interesting group featuring the underrated Algeria, the overrated Belgium and the wildly unpredictable Russia and North Korea, who everyone seems to have forgotten are even here. Belgium are well fancied, but this group will not be as easy for them as people are thinking.

Who will win:

Almost certainly one of Brazil, Spain, Argentina or Germany. The hosts are favourites and that’s probably just about fair, especially if Oscar and Neymar shine, but they are far from the great team of old. Spain are the holders, they know how to win at this level when it matters and have still not conceded a knockout goal in a barely conceivable three consecutive tournaments. The front four of Argentina are so good they have to be considered a major threat, even if their defence is made of balsa. And finally the Germans, whose chances have dimmed slightly with the injury to Reus but will still play with style and purpose and have enough talent to emerge triumphant.

The outside tip:
Columbia. Even without Falcao the South Americans have a fearsome attack and boast Jackson Martinez and James Rodriguez. Indeed, the latter  was 5/1 on betfair earlier in the week to be his team’s top scorer. He will take all the penalties and free kicks and has been described as the most talented player in the country’s history. Get. In. On. That. Action. If they win the group they will likely face a tired, hot and combustible England or Italy in the second round and will almost certainly have too much pace and power for either. A humdinger of a quarter final with Brazil could beckon.

Who will win the Golden Boot:

Probably somebody from Argentina given their group, but there is a risk of Higuain, Messi and Aguero sharing the goals around and allowing an outside option such as Benzema, Ballotelli, Rodriguez or Van Persie (if Holland can get through their group) to sneak in. Neymar is also well fancied, and if he wins this he will likely have shot his country to glory.

How will England do:

Awfully. There has been much talk of the young, talented players at our disposal but that will mean nothing when a barely fit Rooney lines up against Italy and Milner comes on as first sub. Beyond that though, it is impossible to overstate how little the conditions will suit England. They may well make it past the group as Italy will face similar problems but any decent team will batter them. A narrow loss in the Quarter Final would be a phenomenal achievement in the circumstances.

What to look forward to:

Goals. With the notable exception of most of group C, this should be a tournament where the cup runneth over with attacking play. It will be hot and humid and teams will not be able to press for very long. This will mean more space, more open play and a lot more errors as the games reach their conclusions. The Brazilian crowd like to be entertained and expect them to turn quickly on any side not playing in a positive manner. Also, as a general rule, the standard of defending over the past five years has decreased markedly amongst the big teams. Brazil have three players who should by rights be midfielders in their back four and Argentina have three players who by rights shouldn’t even be footballers in theirs. That these teams are considered the favourites despite that, says everything about what people expect this World Cup to be. Open, direct and a veritable feast of net busting action.

Or maybe I’m just dreaming.

Waves flag.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

The Alernative Awards - An End of Season Review

And so the dust settles on another season of tumultuous drama, at least until Liverpool left Crystal Palace early to beat the traffic. The table doesn’t lie they say, except when Man Utd can win the league by eleven points and then be fully deserving of a place in seventh because of the “squad” and not the “manager.” City were the best team over 38 games, certainly in attack and midfield and had they managed to keep Augero, Kompany and Silva on the pitch for more than the handful of games they shared... the margin would likely have been bigger. Liverpool gave us all (and by all, I mean Liverpool fans) something to cheer about. After all, who doesn’t love the story of the plucky little underdogs who have won 18 league titles and 8 European titles trying to add to that meagre haul. Ultimately though, their chance just slipped away...

So let’s move on to the awards...

Goalkeeper of the Season - Vito Mannone

11 clean sheets from 28 starts was rich return for a keeper who stepped up to the plate for his new manager and arguably did more than anyone to keep his side in the division. Mannone made an improbable 131 saves from those matches (you do the maths) and single handedly won just about more points than he gave away from two atrocious clangers. His name, part super hero, part porn star, all magician, only went half of the way in securing this award. The rest was down to solid distribution, fantastic reflexes and being the best double save specialist in the league. Plus, you know, Hugo Loris is just a bit odd isn’t he...

Defender of the Season - Seamus Coleman

Even when you’re trying to think outside of the box, Seamus Coleman is there as the defender of the year. It’s not just his stats (15 clean sheets, 6 goals, 2 assist... a staggering 638 ESP points *cough statto*) - the boy is a right back, inside right and right winger all rolled into one. Coleman is 25, absolutely brilliant and with the greatest respect to Luke Shaw, it is bordering on the offensive how little he is spoken about compared to other, more English, full backs. Naming no names... ahem.

Midfielder of the Season - Ya Ya Toure

No player has done more to destroy my fantasy football season than this colossus. Pace, power, precision... Toure has scored more goals in this campaign than in his previous three combined. He bangs them in from the spot, he curls them in from distance and he runs eighty yards before finding the back of the net. He is a phenomenal player who seems to be getting better, not worse, with age. Fosu doesn’t rate him. Which in football speak, essentially means he’s the best player in the world.

Forward of the Season - Fernando Torres Luis Suarez

30 goals, 25 assists, only dived 24 times this season compared to 124 last one... there isn’t even a debate here. The best type of footballer is one this good that you love to hate. Don’t leave us Luis.

Manager of the Season - Tony Pulis

Many contenders for this crown; Martinez, Rodgers and David Moyes would all get plenty of votes on Merseyside. But even Pellegrini has to take a bow to Tony fucking Pulis. Palace were in all sorts of shit before Pulis took over. Only Sunderland looked more certain to go down and they at least had a squad capable of a recovery. Palace had Marouane Chamakh. Forget what you thought of Pulis before, forget what you think of him now... to take that squad from relegation certainties and make them finish 11th, beating big teams to nil along the way... is as good an achievement as anything in the Premier League era.

Signing of the Season - Wilfried Bony

17 goals, four assist, countless crucial strikes to keep his side in the division. Everybody asked who this season’s Michu would be, and the answer was at the same fucking club. Swansea’s struggles this season meant that Bony’s achievement slipped under the radar somewhat, but when he got in the team and stayed there (just after Christmas) the big African plundered 14 goals in 20 appearances for a team that struggled for anything approaching consistency. Bony looks to have everything and at just 25, is probably too good to play for Swansea for more than another season.

Team of the Season - Spurs

How could anybody deny Spurs this award? Year in, year out... no other team delivers more soap opera than Spurs. Fulham tried this year, hell they did, but the decision to employ 85 different managers backfired when people literally couldn’t remember who was in charge from one half to the next. Even West Brom had a stab, sacking Steve Clarke for no possible reason on earth and then waiting an eternity to employ a manager who was the complete opposite of their playing style. But Spurs... that capitulation against Liverpool was the single worst performance I’ve ever witnessed by a major team. And as a Man Utd fan I’ve seen a fair few of them this year. AVB went, in came Tactics Tim and then each week Spurs delivered a wildly unpredictable roller coaster of superb attacking flair (Christian Eriksen), terrible defending (Kyle Naughton), crazy red cards (Younes Kaboul), outrageous good looks (Christian Eriksen) and the best goal celebration in the league (Emmanuel Adeboyer). All this and we still don’t know who their manager will be (other than... not Tim), where the hell Erik Lamela is hiding and when Daniel Levy will finally be recalled by Satan. Love or hate Spurs... you’ve got to love them.

Until the world cup...



https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey




Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Six

1. Nobody can kill football like Jozzze
It has been an ongoing question all season, at what stage would Mourinho throw his toys out of the pram and make his “happy one” comments seem even more ludicrous than they were initially? He has threatened to combust a few times but the real tipping point came last week when, following a defeat at home to Sunderland, Jose ripped into the officials and the media in a truly astonishing rant. To imply that you have been unlucky with decisions is one thing, but to outright state that you have been a victim of “engineered results” by the entire Referees Union? No Jose. You just can’t say that. Except of course, he actually can. Because the punishment for managers who spout such bile is about as much of a deterrent as FIFA’s racism stance. A fine and token touchline ban will no doubt follow, but what do managers have to do to get proper suspensions for calling the game into disrepute? Head-butt somebody? Anyway, I’m ranting about this largely to avoid talking about the match on Sunday, which saw Jose come, park and leave with three points that blew the title race about as open as a Savanna Plain. It will almost certainly now go to the last kick on the last day and whilst the momentum has swung back to City, I’d be shocked if there wasn’t at least a couple more twists in the tail yet. In fairness to Jose, nobody parks the bus quite like him. Other, lesser managers dream of the odd nil nil against the big boys. But Jose manages to sneak victories as well. Perhaps that’s because unlike Pulis, Allardyce et all, Jose has millions and millions of pounds to spend on buying the best defensive players in the world to entertain us all with. Poor Jose, if only he had a striker he wouldn’t have to play like this. Honest.

2. Giggs brings back the love
For much of the first half it looked as if the wave of euphoria following David Moyes’ sacking was about as misplaced as Utd’s passing. “You can’t just turn confidence on and off like a tap,” said Gary Neville as he watched Utd struggle to break down a Norwich team who will be playing in the Championship next season. But then, the luck that eluded dear David. A penalty, an early second half goal and from there Utd could have run out winning by six or seven. Confidence flowed back through the ranks as if a tap had been turned on (sorry Gary) as Utd countered and attacked with pace for the first time since the opening day of the season. Presumably when the players hadn’t quite worked out how bad Moyes was yet. There is still major work to do here, not least in defence where Evra remains mythically, mystically bad and every centre back seems to spend half the game falling over. But this was as good a start as Giggs could hope for. Van Gaal should follow, with Giggs waiting patiently behind for his chance a few years down the line. Next season will likely be more open than ever and there are no guarantees whatsoever that Utd will bounce back, but for now it was just good to see the stadium filled with people who were happy again. Both fans, manager and crucially, the players.

3. Where has Connor Wickham been?
Not playing for Sunderland is the short answer. After impressing at Ipswich, Wickham was signed by Sunderland in 2011 for a fee of £8m. No small amount for somebody who was 18 and only had 15 career goals. But the potential was there and with it came expectation. Wickham has barely played since his move; he scored just once in his debut season before being loaned to Leeds and (more successfully) Sheffield Wednesday. This was a player who clearly needed games, so it’s surprising that he’s averaged barely 20 appearances a season (including loans) prior to his recent run. It took far, far too long for Gus Poyet to abandon all faith in Dozy Altidore and recall Wickham for one, final throw of the dice. But thankfully for Black Cats everywhere, the dice has come up with a five. Five goals in three games that have turned Sunderland’s season on a head. They gathered an improbable 4 points from away matches with Manchester City and Chelsea, before crushing Cardiff in the crucial match this Sunday. They now sit in 17^th, with a game in hand home to West Brom. It is back in their own hands even if they lose at Old Trafford on Saturday. Wickham has been sensational during the revival, offering a focal point for the onrushing Johnson and Borini and converting his chances with confidence and aplomb. Still just 21, it looks as if his talent has finally come out to play.

4. Bony keeps Swans afloat
Four goals in two games from Wilfried Bony has steered Swansea to safety and left them free to dream about who their manager might be next season. Whoever that is, has the enviable task of trying to get Bony and Michu playing in such a way that strikes fear into the heart of opposition defences. Bony has got better and better as the season progresses and now has 16 goals to his name in his debut campaign. A fine effort for a team that have struggled and rich reward for his all round play. Bony is strong, powerful and quick and is actually a much closer fit to Drogba than Lukaku is mooted to be. He was superb again on Saturday, as Swansea brushed aside a pitiful Aston Villa to secure top flight status for another season. How Paul Lambert must wish for a finisher like this following the injury to Benteke. Villa still need just one win to stay in the division but are marooned on 35 points and are in total freefall. They play Hull this weekend in a match they simply have to win. With away trips to Manchester City and Spurs to follow, their entire season likely hinges on that result. So no pressure then.

5. The Premier League team of the season… was bobbins.
Suarez was a worthy winner of the PFA player of the season last night, as were the runner ups to his crown, Eden Hazard and Ya Ya Toure. But beyond those three and the wonderful Adam Lallana, it’s tempting to question every other name on the team of the season sheet. Ok so Seamus Coleman probably deserves to be on there as well, I’m just bitter about the own goal he scored this weekend for my fantasy football team. But the rest of the defence?

Let’s start in goal, where we have Petr Cech, for no possible reason I can fathom. Ok so he’s kept the most clean sheets (16) but he’s barely had to make a save all season and has not once won a match for his side in the way that other keepers have. Tim Howard has kept 14 clean sheets and made 26 more saves than Cech, and that’s before you get to Boruc, who has an absurd 50% clean sheet record; and David Marshall at Cardiff, who has made a ridiculous 145 saves for his terrible team, almost double that of Cech. Cahil has certainly had a strong season for Chelsea, but Kompany alongside him? The City captain has been injury prone again and got himself sent off at a crucial time. Per Mertesacker was the obvious choice, despite Arsenal’s woeful results against the bigger teams. At left back Shaw seems to have been given the nod because he’s young, handsome and English. He’s arguably been the weakest of Saints first choice back five this season and hasn’t been as good as Leighton Baines or the impossibly underrated Joel Ward.

Steven Gerrard’s PR agent presumably bought him a place in the team along with all the penalties his team have bought this season. His reinvention has been impressive but Sterling, Barry and Ramsey all deserved a nod ahead of him. All of which brings us to centre forward, where we have Danny Sturridge alongside the imperious Suarez. Sturridge? Over Altidore? Over Soldado? Over Anichebe? Over Van Wolfswinkel? Over Cornelius? Over… sorry, I think I’ve got confused.

(just type bobbins and back away)

BOBBINS.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

David Moyes doesn’t deserve our sympathy, he deserves our pity.

As the news broke on Monday evening, the inevitable finally came to pass. It didn’t matter if it had been after 6 months, or 10 months, or in 2 years. The parting of Moyes and Utd had been inevitable for just too long. This wasn’t a brutal assassination, this was a mercy killing. And yet, as the hours rumbled on there grew a curious thing. A group of people, almost all of them not Utd fans it had to be said, that claimed Moyes deserved our sympathy. That he had been handed a rough deal. That he should have had more time. That nobody could have done more with that squad.

Horseshit. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But consider this...

An Analogy

After 20 years of being a wonderful Head Teacher, Mr F announces his retirement from St Mary’s Secondary School. In his time there, he has taken a school to the top not just of his regional league tables, but every league table in the country. He has done this despite difficulties along the way. Notably recently, postcode politics have changed his intake makeup. He hasn’t been getting as many of the bright, middle class children from affluent backgrounds and has instead taken in some rough diamonds from poorer districts. But, bar the odd pupil, he has helped polish them all. He has assembled a fine set of teachers around him, the envy of almost every school in the land and whilst his methods were sometimes deemed old fashioned, his school got results.

Upon his retirement, Mr F used his unique reputation at the school to convince the Governors that a friend of his, Mr M, should be given the job. Mr M had done a solid job at a nearby school and shared many of the traits of Mr F. There were a few questions. Mr M’s school only had 400 pupils, Mr F’s over 1000. And whilst Mr M had won plaudits, he had never won awards for his schooling. The majority of teachers and parents did not seek out his establishment as a place to be educated. The doubters though, were silenced. Mr M took over at the start of the new school year and promised to carry on the great work done over the past decade.

Within his first day of the new job, Mr M sacked every single member of the teaching staff that Mr F had assembled. He brought in all the teachers from his old school, despite them not having any experience of the different districts curriculum, or of teaching larger class sizes. He promised that he would bring in a new Head of Science, but the person he wanted turned down the job, despite them offering him more money. It was an embarrassing incident for the school and more so when the job eventually went, at the last minute, to the candidate they initially rejected for the role early on. Still, the new term started and the pupils filed in to be taught by the new staff.

Within six months it was very clear that Mr M and his staff were out of their depth. Despite excellent work modernizing the IT department with state of the art i-pads, the rest of the classes were all delivering poorer results than predicted. In the January mock exams for his core year, the results indicated an average of B minuses where previously there had been A’s. In addition to this, truancy was at a record high. Pupils had lost interest in the new methods the teachers were employing, many of which didn’t seem able to understand the texts they were supposed to be teaching. A couple of months later and parents were actively pulling their pupils out of the school. Fights had broken out in the playground, classes were getting more and more disjointed and results were now at record breaking lows. In addition to this, one particular rival school who had been the biggest in the area before Mr F took over St Mary’s, had risen again under a new head and was delivering grade averages that had not been seen in two decades. Even Mr M’s old school was doing better than it had done in years. They had employed a younger, more modern head teacher who was winning rave reviews for his extra-curricular clubs and a huge increase in  pupil spirit.

Mr M was out of his depth but he blundered on. He kept telling parents and the governors the same message over and over. Things would get better. He had a plan for the school. When people pressed him on what this plan was he would merely mumble and shuffle off. One teacher threatened to leave and he offered him triple his wages to stay despite complaints that he had lost the classroom.

Finally, ten months into his role... he was sacked from his job. In his time he had spent more money than the previous headmaster had in three years. He had seen truancy figures at a record high. He had seen playground bulling at a record high. He had recorded the worst exam results in the last 25 years of the school. He had taken pupils who were averaging A grades and turned them into C’s. He had destroyed the reputation of the school in less than a year and turned it into a laughing stock. Kids didn’t want to go there, teachers didn’t want to teach there. The Governors, despite not wanting to take the action of severance, had no choice but to end a relationship that was only getting worse.

There were mitigating circumstances. There always are. Other schools had more money. People said the pupils had punched above their weight last school year and that results would never get that good again. Michael Gove was the minister for education. But the simple fact was that Mr M had failed every single reasonable target he had been set. He had failed, on every level that he could be measured by.


Because, you see. It doesn’t matter if Man Utd should never have given David Moyes the job. They did give it to him... and he accepted it. And as soon as he accepted it he earned the right to be judged by the parameters of that job itself. And that job was the manager of Manchester United football club in 2013. He should not be judged by what somebody did in the 1980’s under wildly different terms. The average length of a manager then was 3-4 years. It is currently 8 months.

There is no positive, no single scrap of evidence that anybody can claim is worthy of an excuse not to sack Moyes. People talk of the squad, of the club, of the market... but they don’t say “well in fairness David did do this... or did do that” - because he didn’t. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But don’t you or anybody else tell me to feel sorry for somebody who came into this football club and made worse every possible feature of it over a 10 month period. A man who had no plan, no desire, no fight... and no fucking idea what he was doing.

Laugh at Man Utd. Hate Man Utd. Want Man Utd to fail by all means. But don’t feel sorry for Moyes. Pity the fucking fool.

Now let’s clean up this fucking mess and forget the whole sorry thing ever happened.




https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Four

The masters is on and Liverpool on the verge of winning a title is simply too much to bear... so this week's blog comes in a slimmed down, one off format - as we examine the five currently most under-rated players in the league:

1. Gareth Barry
Steven Gerrard has had a great season, but the best holding midfielder on Merseyside hasn’t been the specialist penalty taker who teams really, really (like REALLY) need to learn how to press. Gareth Barry has often been the least mentioned of Roberto Martinez transfer/loan deals but he has been more influential than any in terms of letting the rest of the team play. Do you really think that Ross Barkley would look this good without Barry behind to mop up his mess? The good news for Everton fans is that unlike Lukaku, Barry will surely still be in Everton ranks come next August. City don’t need him and it would be strange if he were to go elsewhere. Martinez has rotated the trident behind Lukaku liberally of late, but he has kept the Barry/McCarthy axis constant behind it. The two of them have been magnificent in a team which have kept the ball, used the ball… and now sit on the cusp of an improbable and fully deserved 4^th place finish.

2. Jason Puncheon
Puncheon impressed in fits and starts last season with Southampton and it is intriguing to wonder what sort of a season he’d be having had he stayed within their ranks. As it was, he has become the most influential attacker in a Crystal Palace side that has seemingly pulled off one of the great relegation escapes. Pulis and his well-drilled defence have already taken plenty of plaudits, but they would still be in the relegation zone were they not putting the ball in the net at the other end. Puncheon has scored three in his last two games and has helped Palace win three games on the spin. Earlier on in the season it seemed likely that the only thing Puncheon would be remembered for this campaign was the worst penalty miss of all time. Now when you say his name nobody is laughing anymore.  Ok maybe they are, but come on Jason, it really was the worst miss… of all time.

3. Martin Skrtel
It now seems incredible that Skrtel was effectively asked to leave Liverpool in the summer. Told he was the 4^th choice centre back in a team looking to develop, Skrtel opted to stay and fight for his place and when he got in the team, he has never looked back. What is even more incredible is that in no way shape or form can Skrtel actually defend. He is a refreshing throw back to an era where defenders dived in, wrestled strikers to the ground and popped up at set pieces to hammer headers into the opposition net. There is nothing cultured about Skrtel, but he wears his heart on his sleeve and has plundered 7 goals in 32 league games from central defence. What is more ridiculous, is that he has kept 8 clean sheets and not conceded a single penalty. One word. Witchcraft.

4. Marko Arnautovic
If there is one player (and there is, literally, one player) who has shown the difference between Stoke under Mark Hughes compared to Tony Pulis, it has been Marko Arnautovic. Signed from Werder Bremen for a £2m fee that looks like a practical joke gone wrong, the Austrian has been magnificent since returning from a mid-season injury. His vision and speed of thought have taken Stoke up a level and he is creating chances at will. Arnautovic is just 24 and has already been capped over 30 times by his country. He has largely been forgotten about this season owing almost entirely to a general disinterest in Stoke City football club. His performances are now making ignorance tough. He may not quite be this season’s Michu, but he’s made a lot better fist of it than… well… Michu.

5. Christian Eriksen
If you throw enough mud at a wall, some of it will eventually stick. If you asked Spurs fans who their most exciting signing was in the summer you would probably have got the answer of either Soldado or Lamela. The pair cost almost £60m between them and have contributed less than Eriksen between them. The Dane has been in outstanding form since Tactics Tim restored him to the starting line-up; and he is far and away the man most likely to be sold in two years times for an inflated but ultimately irreplaceable fee. Erikson has started just 18 games this season but has scored 7 and made 7 in those games. His free kicks are delicious, his corners wicked and he moves the ball around the park as if he is wearing boots woven from silk. Given the time he has been on the pitch, only Aaron Ramsey and Ya Ya Toure can actually claim to have had, statistically, a better season than him. He creates almost every Spurs chance and has won more points for his team than any other player.  I don’t want to bang on about this because I’ve been saying it for two years, but Eriksen is one of the most talented young midfielders on the planet… and if Spurs have an ounce of sense left in them they need to build their entire team around this man for the next decade. He really is that fucking good.

And handsome.

But that’s not relevant…

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Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Three

1. All eyes turn to Anfield
It is fitting, aside from all the comedy and the banter, that this weekend’s potential title decider will take place at Anfield on the 25^th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. Kick Offs up and down the country will be delayed by 7 minutes in respect to those who lost their lives; and come 1:37 on Sunday, Liverpool and Man City will kick off in a game that nobody saw coming as a potential title blockbuster. Liverpool have won 9 games in a row and despite not playing fluently this weekend, they scraped past West Ham thanks to their 2,754^th and 2,755^th penalties of the season. Steven Gerrard may just spend all game playing 5 yard passes in his own half, but he’s on the pitch to take set pieces and he has done so with rare aplomb this year. City meanwhile, complete with their own dead ball specialist Ya Ya Toure, also needed a dodgy penalty to help them on their way to victory over a Southampton team visibly rocked by the injury to Jay Rodriguez. The two now face each other in a game that’s almost impossible to call. The two greatest attacks in the league square up in a fixture that is almost, almost winner takes all (Liverpool still have to play Chelsea and City negate a tough trip to Everton). A draw lets Jose and his poor, striker-less team back in and both clubs will know that victory severely damages the others hopes. Liverpool rarely freeze in the big game headlights of Anfield and with the Hillsborough anniversary to throw into the mix as well… I mean, I don’t want to big it up too much… I’m not Sky… but this match is quite simply… fucking unmissable.

2. Shinji is what’s the Mata David
Some managers know their best eleven and others stumble upon it by accident owing to injury and suspension. The latter is true with Moyes, who has survived calls for his head to emerge unbeaten from three crucial league games and two Champions League ones. Key to the league wins have been the pairing of Kagawa and Mata in a fluid 4-2-3-1 with a central striker (either Rooney, Welbeck or Hernandez) creating space for them to work in by making runs beyond the defence. Kagawa was thought surplus to requirements following the arrival of Mata and the mystifying decision to give Rooney a new 5 year contract, but the Japanese international has been pivotal in three league games that have been won 10-1 by Utd. Mata, invisible on the right wing when Rooney and Van Persie were playing, has stepped inside to score 3 goals and set up 2 more in back to back games. Mata is a sham of a right winger and quite simply, has to play in this position going forward. More interesting though, is how well Kagawa has started to play with him. Mata is a similar player, all one touches and give and go’s and the two of them have dovetailed superbly to tear apart three teams who, let’s be fair, are kinda shit. It was clear to anyone before this that Utd’s best formation didn’t involve both Rooney and Van Persie, but it is surely clear to Moyes as well now. He has lacked the balls this year to formally state that, but if he is to remain in charge for next season, he could probably do worse than thank the Dutchman for two wonderful seasons and use the cash to bolster the areas that need it. Which is, in short, the entire defensive and holding midfield line. A front four of Kagawa, Mata, Rooney and Welbeck is clever enough, quick enough and fluid enough to trouble anyone, but it is worth nothing without six good men behind them to give them that licence. Currently Utd don’t have one good man (the possible exception of Darren Fletcher) but at least they know now what they’re capable of.

3. Fox is back on the menu
Leicester stormed back to the Premier League this weekend, with six games to spare, after more than 10 years out of the top flight. The Foxes have been the best side in the Championship all season and have benefited from stability after years of change and uncertainty (Gary Megson anyone?). Their team is a mixture of youth and pace, combined with proven Championship experience. Keven Phillips for example, has now been promoted over 100 times. How Nigel Pearson’s side cope with the Premier League remains unclear. Leicester look a side that lack top level quality but that was true of the likes of both Swansea and Norwich who stayed up and established themselves. David Nugent has struggled in the Premier League before but at 28, is now in his peak. How him and Jamie Vardy, a striker who was playing non-league football two years ago, cope with the pace and the power of the top flight will go a long way to dictating Leicester’s chances. Let us hope the board give Pearson a chance. Rather than give him £30m to spend and sack him at Christmas for being only 17^th.

4. Immortality is yours Everton… take it!
There are six games left and Everton know that five wins and a draw will take them back into the Champions League. That is no easy feat, but if they play half as well as they did on Sunday that will be a formality. Martinez and his players were better than Arsenal in every single area of the park. They didn’t just outfight them, they outplayed them. Comprehensively. Ross Barkley, a player so direct you could name a rail route to London after him, ran with intelligence and purpose and the space he created was lapped up by Lukaku and Naysmith. They tore into a callow and leaderless Arsenal who were left to shooting from range and wondering how to pick themselves up after yet another away day slaughter to a rival. The Gunners have a semi-final this weekend against Wigan that they simply must win. Failure is not an option. If they end this season 5^th and without the FA Cup, every single player of that squad, led by a manager who couldn’t motivate his way out of a workout video, needs to be lined up on the streets of North London. Naked. And be thrown rotten fruit at. 

5. Chris Hughton ha… ah who am I kidding?
Nobody cares about Norwich, a team who have been so boring this season they’ve made West Ham look expansive. So instead let’s take a look at amusing videos of football stars hamming it up for advertisement money they simply don’t need. Seriously though, if you watch one, watch the Suarez one. They’re all gold, but you’re got to hand to him for that level of self-parody.

Jimmy Bullard Washes and Go – is this a parody? Is he taking the piss out the original advert? Or himself? Does he know how much of a wanker he looks?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyZ7TfC5shU

Figo isn’t a  man – Seriously Figo? Did you really need to “take care of yourself” by making this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rreLf5eqrHc

John Barnes pretends to be Denzel – I know Barnsey always fancied himself as an actor, singer, rapper whatever. But that fake panting? Dead god man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVyFSA1DCTg

Ade forgets to salute – Oh my sweet Christ Emmanuel! The dance. The wink. The kiss??? What in hell were you thinking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZKbFZuN81I&feature=player_embedded

Luis Suarez Gets an Office job – Even in another language this is just hilarious. Fair play Luis. You may be a twat, but at least you’re a self-aware one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NBoZrKYtkzo

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