ALISSON (6.0 LIV) – Charging off his line like a
tooled up spartan, Alisson’s handball and subsequent red card means Liverpool
head into the Merseyside derby without their number 1. However, given the last
time Everton won at Anfield, @KylieFpl was in nappies, one shouldn’t worry too
much
COOK (5.0 BOU) – A 78% pass completion is bad for a
midfielder, it’s awful for a centre back. The inexplicably only one year older
than Jesse Lingard defender, mixed this with winning just 2 out of 8 headers
and completing zero blocks or clearances. As useful as a white crayon.
STEPHENS (4.3 SOU) – Arguably the worst defender in
top flight football, I refuse to believe that Saints don’t have other defenders
that can take the place of Jack Stephens. Yes they have 5 pretty rum centre
backs, but Stephens is still the worst. Lacking even the most basic of
abilities to make it in a professional capacity… here we still are… watching
him try to defend every week. He has started 6 games in the Premier League this
season and has amassed a staggering 5 FPL points with 0 clean sheets. Just. Stop.
Picking. Him. Please.
BARDSLEY (4.3 BUR) – From one shit show to another, Phil
Bardsley is basically that guy who wanders around the local park begging teams
for a game. He finished the match on Saturday by completing just 17 passes at a
rate of little over 50%? You are paid to play football for fucks sake.
Absolutely bollocks.
LUIZ (5.8 ARS) – 0 tackles, 0 headers, 0 fucks given –
it is now one clean sheet in 13 appearances for David Luiz this season and his
keeper has had to make more saves than anyone in the league. Is he on holiday?
Arsenal are a laughing stock. And I say that as Manchester United fan for fucks
sake.
HOJBJERG (4.8 SOU) – Kicking things off with yet
another error that led directly to a goal, the Southampton “captain” then spent
most of the first half wandering around the pitch like he was a detectorist
looking for loose change. A supremely untalented footballer, how Hutch hasn’t
worked out that his problems begin in the centre of his team yet remains beyond
me. You wonder, at this stage, if the penny will ever drop.
SALAH (12.2 LIV) – Visibly unfit and with just 18
touches in the entire match, it is time for Salah to be given a rest. No other
team can win the Premier League this season, but Liverpool could still lose it.
Wrecking their star asset for the long term would certainly be a start.
PULISIC (7.5 CHE) – 5 attempts in the box. FIVE. 2 of
which me Nan would have scored… and Pulisic got zero on target. A genuine
horror show of a performance attacking wise from Chelsea. We can give the West
Ham keeper credit for not being Roberto, but it’s a bit like giving me credit
for not being Boris Johnson. It’s not a fucking benchmark to rate anyone on.
Chelsea have Villa up next, who seem reborn since Jack
Grealish came back from injury as Roy of the fucking Rovers. Predictions for
that one? Not a fucking clue.
IWOBI (5.7 EVE) – Like a swimming pool with no water,
Alex Iwobi is the Becks Blue of football players. Not even good enough to be a
real fucking beer. He did not affect the football game for the entirety of the
78 minutes we were forced to watch him try to against Leicester. His xG a
solid 0.00. He had just 25 touches, with 0 attempts at goal. He didn’t set foot
in the opposition box at any point. Literally. He didn’t go in it. Not once.
How is that even possible for a forward? The Everton right back ended up playing
both roles to try and cover for how invisible he was. Bring back Theo Walcott.
WOOD (6.2 BUR) – 3 clear chances, all wasted, this
was a poor showing for the Burnley front man after a recent return to form.
Beaten by 2 goals to 0 by Crystal Palace is a terrible state of affairs for any
team. This is a team that can’t even average the bare minimum of a goal a game.
Wood has had an astonishing 17 big chances this season. Only Vardy has had
more. He has scored just 5 of those.
I’ve been full of praise for the Burnley strikers as is well
known… but their midfielders, especially the near farcically underrated McNeil,
are putting it on a plate week in week out for them to fluff their lines.
DEULOFEU (6.1 WAT) – All strikers stats pale into comparison
to Gerard Deulofeu, statistically the worst shooter in the league, backed up by
the worst shooters in the league. The Spaniard has had 33 shots and created 23
chances for his teammates. His conversion rate is just 6%. No other forward
comes close to that who has had more than 25 shots. Indeed, you need to go down
to McGoldrick at Sheffield United and Joelinton at Newcastle to find equitable levels
of excrement. The two “strikers” have amassed 46 shots between them for a
single goal.
Lads… come on… it’s what you’re paid to do. Wake up.
Happy Hunting
HM
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