The season is over… and hopefully eleven careers with it.
David De Gea –
MUN – Like a super hero who is constantly let down by his entourage, De Gea
fell like Tony Stark this season. Finally, tragically, becoming at one with the
inexorable mediocrity of his surroundings. Without him to find light when all
others had gone out, Manchester United fell to 6th… as close to
Cardiff as they were to Manchester City… who rallied to beat them on the final
day. Whether Dave Saves will be at United next season is unclear… whether
anyone will be is to be frank. United can no longer be considered a fallen
giant. They are a titan from another timeline, they have no current place at
the top table and need to discover their identity before they can even begin to
build a team to challenge for the title again.
Kieran Trippier –
TOT – Few players personified the phrase “world cup hangover” more than Kiran
Trippier. Tired, niggled with injuries and possessing the distribution of a
privatised postal service… Tripper’s stock fell worse than the pound over the
course of the season. He took 73 corners in all. He didn’t beat the first man
in almost half of them and found a team mate on just 14 occasions. Defensively
he was exposed throughout the second half of the campaign, and with the immeasurable
rise of Trent Alexander-Arnold, it’s unlikely that Tripper, who turns 29 at the
start of next season, will find his peak once again.
Shkodran Mustafi –
ARS – Arguably the worst defender in a league which includes Fulham, Mustafi is
an abomination of a centre back. Barely able to go a single half with
committing a rash challenge or horrific error, Mustafi would literally be better
off playing as a striker. With the news breaking that Gazidis now wants to pay
£35m to bring him to AC Milan… genuine questions have to be asked about what
information Mustafi has on him.
Le Marchand – FUL
– Any of the Fulham defenders could have made it in here, but Le Marchand makes
it for featuring most regularly in the Team of the Weak. There were numerous
reasons for this, the most pertinent being he is absolutely fucking shit. He
won just 50% of his headers, barely 70% his tackles and made just 17 blocks
over the entire season. All told, he conceded a goal every 40 minutes he was on
the pitch this season. He has no place in football.
Willy Boly – WOL –
Boly? You what I hear you say? Well mainly because Boly gave away more big
chances thanks to direct errors, than any player in the league this season. Six
in total, with Morrison on four and nobody else on more than three. Boly has
also failed the eye test several times. He’s a powerhouse on his day… but when
that day isn’t forthcoming he can resemble a Bull in a China Shop. Wolves have
actually made 23 errors this season leading to big chances… but inexplicably,
only 3 have these have resulted in goals. Suggesting that for all their
plaudits, they’ve been somewhat fortunate.
The worst by the way? That would be Arsenal, led by the aforementioned
Mustafi. The Gunners giving away a staggering 29 big chances thanks to direct
errors… and unlike Wolves, they have been punished by goals 13 times.
Oh and the best? The team who have committed the least defensive errors
this season leading to chances/goals?
Fucking Huddersfield.
I’ve just realised that this is why stats are bollocks…
Jorginho – CHE – 3165
minutes, 3118 passes, 29 chances created, 0 assists. The really strange thing
about Jorginho is that unlike, to name someone at complete random, Kante… he
doesn’t actually tackle or really win the ball back. He just gets given it. And
passes it. Over and over again. He’s not a conductor, or a water carrier, or a
deep lying quarter back. He’s just a record endlessly stuck before getting to
the chorus.
Jesse Lingard –
MUN – A complete and utter embarrassment. Few personify the malaise of modern
day Manchester United players as young Jesse. More interested in social media
than actually learning to play the game, he is the least creative attacking
midfielder in world football. He has 12 assists in 4 years. Trent Alexander-Arnold
and Andrew Robertson have that this season playing in defence. He doesn’t score
enough, he doesn’t create enough, he doesn’t get involved enough… put simply…
he’s not fucking good enough.
Mohammed Elyounoussi –
SOU – Bought for £16m last summer and handing a 5 year deal, the Moroccan
came with a record of goals and assists across the might of both the Swiss and Norwegian
Leagues. In 16 games for Southampton he achieved zero of either. An abomination.
Danny Drinkwater – CHE
– On September 2017 Danny Drinkwater was signed by Chelsea for £35m. He played
just 520 minutes in his first season, scoring a solitary goal. Under Sarri,
Drinkwater has not got on the pitch once. He is not wanted, surplus to
requirements, with 3 years left of a £100,000 p/w contract. He is a title
winning, combative midfielder still in his 20s. He is everything that is wrong
with football right now. And the worst of it is, he doesn’t seem to even care. He
is a fucking car crash.
Literally… given he has ended the season by being crashing into
a wall whilst drink driving.
Alexis Sanchez – MUN
– It’s not just the stats (1 goal in 20, just 23 shots across the entire
campaign in all competitions) – it’s not just the salary (£350,000 a week -
basic) – it’s not just the distance covered (worst in the squad per minute
played) – it’s not just the touches (worst in the squad pmp) – or even the lost
possession, distribution, passing accuracy (yep… you guessed it… worst in the
squad pmp)
Okay it is all of that. But it’s more. It’s the lack of a
public apology. The lack of remorse, from player or board about how this has
been the worst signing in footballing history and nobody gives a flying fuck as
to why or how it happened.
Manchester United have paid Alexis Sanchez almost 7m per
goal scored. A plague on both their houses.
Steve Mounie –
HUD – the worst striker in the league. Mounie deserves that crown and
everything associated with it. 2 goals in 32 appearances, the man has a shot
conversion rate of just 3.3%. To put that into perspective, that is lower than
Calum Chambers and Antony Rudiger. It is less than Wilfred Ndidi. There is no
striker who can compare except possibly one… step forward Laurent Depoitre. Who
is the only forward in the game to have taken more than 30 shots and not scored
once.
Indeed… between the two of them and Elias Kachunga, the
Huddersfield strike force have had 105 shots this season and scored 2 goals.
May they never darken the door of the elite again.
Oh and one final thing… can people please stop buying Jordan
Ayew every season? He’s absolutely fucking awful.
Happy Hunting
HM
