Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Fifteen

Pep’s tactics finally unleash the Foxes of old
In truth, Leicester’s tactics were figured out about half way through last season. They got over the line thanks to the failings of others and to superb defensive resilience forged from the fires of the incredible feat they saw before them. You would have thought Pep Guardiola had watched any of the footage from that title run before rolling up at the King Power Stadium. If he did, he certainly didn’t relay that to his players. As it was, City set up with a high press, high line attacking side with possibly the slowest back three you are ever likely to find. They were three down before they’d even fashioned a shot themselves and the 4-2 scoreline flattered what was a display of such tactical ineptitude it beggared belief from a coach as highly regarded as Guardiola. City still have plenty of time to rally this season and prove their critics wrong, but right now they can at least lay claim to one enviable record. They are the only team in the history of English football to have nearly 80% possession in a match and concede 4 goals.

I just made that stat up. But I’d bet you the entire of John Stones £50m (not a typo) transfer fee it’s correct.

Chelsea need to be stopped.
This Chelsea run is now bordering on the ridiculous. They were supposed to struggle against Spurs and City, they beat both with ease. Even when they play poorly, like they did this Sunday, they keep clean sheets and have a striker so on form he is winning games on his own almost each and every week. Costa was fed on scraps against a well marshaled West Brom side, and was finally forced to take matters into his own hands to get the job done. His goal was a microcosm of his season in a nutshell and worth noting once again, quite what a shadow of this player he was for much of the last. Conte and his players have thrown down the gauntlet to the the teams behind them and after 15 games only Arsenal have bothered to rise to it.

Only Arsenal emerging as a challenge in a title race? That is quite literally the definition of ffs.

Palace can’t keep defending like this

Only Liverpool fans have seen more goals go in than Palace this season. Their 15 matches have produced some 56 goals. Just to put that into comparison, Middlesborough fans have seen 29 for the same number of points. Palace have scored more than any team outside of the top four but their chronic inability to defend has meant they have thrown away points time and time again. This was the case against Hull on Saturday when once again 3 points flew past them with the same grace that Robert Snodgrass flew himself to the floor to win (Citation: steal) a penalty. Palace couldn’t blame that act of theft on their draw though, much as Pardew tried to. They are an absolute shambles of a side defensively but if you’re going to be that, kudos for being entertaining at the other end to boot. Palace have too much fire power to go down, but they seem hell bent on giving their fans several heart attacks on route to safety this season.

Super Saturday gave way to 1-0 Sunday

29 goals flew in during the six fixtures on Saturday in an almost collective fuck you to the morosely dull predictions of Mark Lawrenson. One clean sheet was pretty much par for the course in a season that just won’t do dull. It was a shame then, that that made way for three pretty uneventful 1-0 wins on Sunday before, you guessed it, Liverpool turned up to change all that. Conceding two goals to West Ham right is bad enough, but only scoring two against them is just downright awful. Pool have come unstuck a little since the injury to their talismanic Brazilian. The problems appear to be as much positional as personnel however. Origi has played up front in the last two matches and whilst he has down nothing wrong in that role, scoring two goals to boot, it denies Klopp’s team of having Firmino to dictate their high press. Liverpool are half the team without the pressing and passing axis of Firmino, Coutinho and Lallana and right now, their squad just doesn’t look deep enough to sustain a title challenge with injuries too often curtailing that trinity.

Why do Bournemouth defenders keep scoring?
I don’t have the answer to this. I’m genuinely asking. Bournemouth’s defenders have been involved in more goals this season than their midfield. What are they doing down there on the South Coast? Is is some sort of progressive new wave of football that bypasses the midfield and makes the back four do the work of every other aspect in the team? Seriously without their defenders Bournemouth would be bottom.

That sounded less obvious in my head.

Answers on a postcard please.

Team of the Weak:

Bravo - the worst signing of the season to date. Has yet to make a single save that has won a point for City. Has made several errors that have lost them.

Dann - he might be a goal machine Palace fans, but if can’t defend what fucking good is that.
Elmohamady - does anyone remember when he was good? Like really good for a time? Pretty sure we all dreamt that.
Ndong - so many puns...
Stones - can I just put 11 defenders in this week? Or just one £50m one? Okay I’ll stop now.
Alli - not booked for as cynical an attempt to injure a player as you’ll likely to see. He’s just, you know, not a very nice player is he.
Pogba - will be in here every week until he dictates a match befitting a player of his status, apparent ability and ludicrous price tag.

Firmino - not involved and doesn’t look hungry enough wide on the left, Klopp has to get him back integrated into the spine of his side.
Snodgrass - cheats, form an orderly queue, you will be named and shamed here every week for the plague on the game that you are.
Long - he must be due one of those two or three games runs when everyone thinks he’s amazing again soon...

Kane - if you looked up anonymous in a dictionary, you wouldn’t see Harry Kane.

Goodnight

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Fourteen

Anthony Taylor made for great football
Generally refereeing has been of a better standard this year. A tweak in some crucial rules and better consistency has meant far less controversial decisions than at this stage last season. All that was blown out of the window this weekend in a slew of rancid decisions across nearly every game. The upside? More goals, more drama and more madness than ever. None of this was more prevalent than in the opening match up at the Etihad, where Anthony Taylor got almost every conceivable decision wrong in an attempt to encourage an open game. From the opening moments Taylor set his stall out by refusing to book players for charging in with little regard for winning the ball. It was little wonder then that he bottled what would have been the correct decision to send off David Luiz in the first half for a clear step across in front of Sergio Aguero when clean through on goal. Barely 30 seconds went by without a wrong decision, everything from penalty calls to incorrect throw ins were counted up as Taylor just carried on waving play on with reckless abandon, hungry for more goals, more glory… more great football. In the end it took somebody drop kicking an opponent at pace to get a red card, although even then Taylor had little answer to the comical melee that followed. All told, this was one of the worst performances by a major official I’d witnessed in some time… and football was the winner for it.

Oh and Pep, you can’t blame the referee when your main striker couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo when clean through for the 8^th time and your number 10 misses an open goal from 4 yards. That’s just not football. It’s not even cricket.

Diving… retrospective… anybody… listening…
Not to sound like a broken record every season, but can this happen now please? It’s a very hard thing to see at pace and I’m not blaming referees for getting a lot of these decisions wrong. So analyse them after the match and then implement the bans retrospectively. Three match ban for anybody who was found to dive to win a penalty; like three people did this weekend alone. The question what should define a dive is a silly one, given 99.9% of human beings with able eyesight would agree that say, Alli dived this weekend. It wasn’t close. It wasn’t open to debate. It was plain and simple cheating and he should be banned for three matches for it. It doesn’t need rule clarification. It just needs the law makers to be brave enough to start calling players out for doing it.

Either that or line the cheat up against a wall after the match and let every player from the opposition kick a ball as hard as they can at them from ten yards. Playground justice people. If you’re going to act like stupid little boys, you can be treated like them.

West Ham are in real trouble
Conceding 5 goals to Arsenal this weekend was pretty embarrassing, but conceding 4 mid-week to Manchester United was arguably even worse. West Ham are in a horrible rut and sit just one point above the relegation zone in 17^th. They cannot defend, they cannot stay organised for more than twenty minutes at a time and they cannot score the chances that an increasingly more bored Dimitri Payet is creating. The playmaker has been criticised this season but can you really blame him looking a bit annoyed when he knows that yet another great ball into the box will be spooned over, miss-kicked or sliced wide. The only silver lining for West Ham lies in the short term. Andy Carroll is back fit… and wasted no time in showing once again how much his side needs him. Expertly converting a chance served up by, you guessed it, Payet. West Ham will probably get four games out of him before he’s injured again. At this rate they will need to win all of them.

That’s Howe you mount a comeback Jurgen
It’s hard to imagine any team but Liverpool managing to lose 4-3 with 15 minutes left in a match they were leading 3-1 in. Thanks to what must rank as one of the all-time great substitutions, Eddie Howe brought on Ryan Fraser for the injured Stanislas on 55 minutes and watched the young Scot run absolute riot. Creating 2 and scoring 1 of his team’s 4 second half goals, Fraser tore into Liverpool’s shambolic excuse for a defence like a hungry Lion to a pack of injured Gazelles. Liverpool really are a fantastic team to watch, having now averaged almost 4 goals per game in either end this season. If this was a step back for them after a fine run, it was another step forward for the talismanic Howe. The Bournemouth manager is as positive and as likeable as his football, and the Premier League is a better place with both him and his club in it.

Will the real Tony Pulis please stand up
10 points out of 12 and with the same number of goals to boot, West Brom are up to 7^th in the league and playing their best football for years. Has Pulis finally thrown off the shackles and decided to allow himself to be entertained in his latter years? West Brom aren’t just scoring goals, they’re playing extremely attractive counter attacking football not unlike a certain Leicester from last season. What is happening? How has the world come to this? What next? Sunderland to start a season well? Swansea to stop shooting themselves in the foot? Odion Ighalo to score a goal? Manchester United to win a league match? Alan Pardew to stop winning football matches convincingly at the last possible point every time to save his job? Place your bets people… this season, anything goes.

Team of the Weak

Karius – How hard is it to buy a decent keeper Liverpool? I just don’t understand.
Reid – Was absolutely torn apart by an on song Sanchez. Painful to watch at times.
Fonte – Battered by Benteke.
Amat – A genuinely terrible defender.
Rojo – Possibly a red card ref? I mean, you were five yards away so… you know…
Lovren – Looks comically clueless at times, like he genuinely goes through periods in some matches where he doesn’t know where he is. It’s like the first two minutes of a Quantum Leap episode out there.
Arfield – Looked out of his depth against a well organised Stoke.
Pogba – An absolute abomination of a performance for somebody who cost that much money.
Cleverly – God awful. Still better than Pogba.
De Bruyne – You can’t miss those Kevin. Not at 1-0 you can’t lad.
Vardy – No goals in 16 games. Sixteen. Problems.
Aguero – As everybody’s fantasy football team changed overnight… Merry Christmas Sergio. See you on New Years Eve. What… were you thinking…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Thirteen

Feathers fly in Welsh bird shit battle
Usually a 5-4 scoreline suggest a fluent game of pulsating, end to end attacking football. You can normally take defensive errors as read, but this weekend’s match up between the Swans and the Eagles contained 7 of the scruffiest goals you’re ever likely to see. Even the two before that featured a miskick, a defender falling over and a keeper just stepping to one side to allow a free kick to go past him. No, this was a rubbish game of football featuring two teams who cannot defend and who are both highly likely to go down unless they can arrest that fact. Swansea will at least be buoyed by actually winning a match for the first time since the opening day, and the fact that a striker of theirs scored twice in a match for the first time since Wilfried Bony left. Palace meanwhile, led by “the best header of the ball in Europe” Christian Benteke (no Phil Neville… just no) need to find a way to win matches again and fast. Continuing with a back four who haven’t kept a clean sheet in 8 matches isn’t really working for starters. And allowing Yohan Cabaye to keep that haircut and get booked every single match isn’t helping either.

Strikers will determine this season’s title
The common consensus is that Liverpool won’t have enough to get over the line. Their merry band of midfield maestros will eventually come unstuck, get injured and realise that the defence they have behind them is made up of balsa and James Milner… who along with Gareth Barry, possibly remains the best worst (not a typo) player ever to play in the league. That leaves City, Chelsea and Arsenal – all of which have their main man playing in the number 9 role and currently leading by example. However, should Aguero, Costa or Sanchez get seriously injured, it becomes very difficult to make a case for any of those teams to sustain a title push. City and Chelsea have young, talented but largely unproven strikers in reserve and Arsenal have Oliver Giroud. Actually he might be the best worst player ever to play in the league. Or the worst best. It’s hard to say. Either way, if Sanchez gets fucked, so does Wenger. Bring on the winter break Arsene…

The Saints Academy keeps on going
Keeping the likes of Shane Long out of the starting line up, Josh Sims stepped into the limelight this Sunday and made short work of a tired and ailing looking Everton team. The Southampton Youth Academy has produced too many great players over the years to list here, but as managers come, go and move on to apparently better things, the work behind the scenes keeps going and Saints make a mockery out of the lack of first team youth players at Manchester City and Chelsea, to name but two clubs at random. Full marks then to Les Reed, once dubbed the worst manager in Premier League history, who has been the Head of Football Development on the south coast for the past six years and has been instrumental in the revival and continued stability of the club. As for Everton, Koeman cut a frustrated manager post-match. He looked like many before him, who have struggled for consistency in a team that blows hot and cold with alarming regularity. It’s not all bad news for the Blues mind, they have Manchester United up next. Who need 58 chances per goal…

Spurs need to find their rhythm
That pulsating demolition of Manchester City aside, Spurs have often looked lethargic this season. Their poor form masked by drawing most of their games rather than actually losing. Having finally ended that streak on Saturday, in a funny way that might be the best thing to wake them from their slumber. Alli, Eriksen and Kane have all flickered rather than flared so far… and Moussa Sissoko has been flat out appalling. Although it’s hard to see how one of the laziest people ever to play professional football was likely to be a good signing for a high pressing side like Spurs. Tottenham have three hugely winnable home games in a row, with a trip to Old Trafford sandwiched in between. 10 points from that and everything looks a lot better, but much less and it will be hard to make a case for how they can improve on last season and not find themselves back in the Europa league once more. Not allowing Kevin Wimmer anywhere near a football pitch until he’s gone back to defensive school might also be a good move.

Deeney and Ighalo need a time machine to this point in 2015
It was about this time last year when Deeney and Ighalo hit their stride and propelled Watford to early safety with a terrific goal scoring run. The pair ended up with 29 goals to their name last season, but currently sit on just 4 this time around. Indeed, the two have them scored just 3 times in open play in over 2,000 minutes of football. A goal every 675 minutes between them. Which is garbage. Watford are a good team. Well organised, creative and fit. If their two strikers can just find anything resembling last season’s form, they’ll be very difficult to beat indeed. I said this a month ago… and they’ve not scored since. Come on lads, at least try and prove me wrong.

Team of the Weak

The entire back lines of Swansea and Crystal Palace

And Lukaku

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Eleven

Chelsea look the real deal
11-0 last week, make that 16-0 now. Chelsea are on the sort of run that must have their manager cursing for yet another near meaningless international break (just play all the games in June lads, come on now). If they’ve been impressive of late, they were down right unplayable on Saturday. They tore through Everton like a pack of wolves, scoring five goals on their way to their march to the top of the table (if only for a day). Conte is the master of 3-5-2 that all others should aspire to, and one wonders when it will become the league’s default formation of choice. The 4-2-3-1 is so 2012. And absolutely bollocks when you have an immobile striker in the pivotal role. Chelsea were the only team to keep a clean sheet this weekend and you can’t see any team scoring against them the way they are playing. They have an incredible blend of solidity, creativity, pace and power and have, in Eden Hazard, a streak of absolute pure genius. I wrote Chelsea off at the start of the season and am starting to regret such words now. If they can keep Hazard and Costa fit for the whole campaign, a la Leicester with Mahrez and Vardy of last, then there is a very good chance at least one Fox will retain his winners medal next year.

Which brings us to...

Leicester are already being forgotten
It already seems like an illusion that Leicester won the title last season. Their implausible Champions League form has kept the dream going a bit longer, but it seems to have been barely mentioned that they are now 14th in the league and playing largely rubbish. Had United or City offered up this sort of title defence they would be getting abuse left, right and centre and rightfully so. Leicester have won 3 games all season, the same number as Hull. They are only 2 points off the relegation zone with both Burnley and Watford sitting above them. The lure of Europe was always going to be a distraction and nobody expected them to win it again. But Leicester need to rally a little to stop this being the worst defence of a title in history. Get the pizza out Claudio, and find something to put on it.

Alan Shearer doesn’t know what World Class is

A few years back, had Alan Shearer proudly announced that Sergio Aguero was the league’s “only World Class player” there probably wouldn’t have been too much arguing about it. But things have changed a bit since then; and with the football now being played under the likes of Guardiola, Conte, Klopp and Pochettino - it does feel as if the league is slowly, but surely lifting from it’s slumber of mediocrity and is ready to challenge on the European stage again. Both Leicester and Arsenal have already all but qualified from their Champions League groups with two games to spare, and City have just beaten, nay, soundly beaten Barcelona. De Bruyne, Coutinho, Sanchez, Ozil and Hazard are all World Class players - no matter what Shearer says - and that’s straight off the bat. And Kante? Payet? David fucking De Gea? These are players who any team in the world would have in their squads. Firmino would get in Real Madrid’s starting 11, he’s potentially the most underrated player in World football right now. And if we’re going to take Shearers lame definition seriously that to be World Class you have to do have “done it at the top level for years” - then I’m pretty sure Mr “I thought it was just me who had scored 25,000 career goals” Zlatan has a claim. You know, that guy who won 37 titles in a row. Or something. I forget. Shearer is a wanker. That was my main point...

Boro continue to make the case for the defence

Back to back away draws against City and Arsenal, with a home win over Bournemouth in between; Boro looked out of their depth a few weeks back but have since picked up an improbable five points from their recent fixtures and conceded just one goal en route. Middlesbrough came up from the Championship with a very solid defensive base and after a tricky spell, Karanka has settled on a line up that has begun to treat this league in the same way as they did the last. Boro are incredibly well organised and were disciplined throughout their draw at the Etihad. The points away at City and Arsenal have not been freak shows, with ridiculous goalkeeping performances or hundreds of shots flying at their goal (see Burnley to both Liverpool & United). Far from it, they have been examples of teams going away from home and following a plan from start to finish. Both manager and players deserve full credit for that, and if they can keep free flowing Chelsea out next up, they truly will be worth paying attention to.

Rooney and Ibrahimovic put pension plans on hold
Following a truly luckless run of results, Manchester United finally got back to winning ways after an Ibrahimovic brace returned them to the dizzy heights of 6th in the table. Set up for both goals by Rooney, the refusing to retire gracefully pensioners of world football ensured that a desperately poor Swansea team were dispatched with enough ease not to raise any further questions about where in god’s name Henrikh Mkhitaryan is being kept. The Armenian could not even make a squad list which included at least six players who were expected to leave the club this summer. It’s hard to think of a United back four as poor as the one that Jose named for this match, almost as if he’d tossed all his defenders in the air to see which ones would land on their feet... and was still left with Phil Jones to choose from. Thank heavens then for Michael Carrick, who could do a lot worse right now than take Paul Pogba out to a training pitch and show him how to pass a ball over... and over... and over again.

Granted, Pogba would probably flick it up and smash one in on the volley for a laugh. But you know, let’s do the simple stuff first eh Paul.

Team of the Weak:

Fabianski - when you concede three goals and don’t make a single save, it’s not your day
Jagielka - that got ugly, real, real quick Phil
Holebas - but not as ugly as that
Kelly - when you’re dragged because you’re defending so badly against Burnley, you’ve got problems

Yoshida - a terrible footballer. Just terrible. How does he still get games? Southampton must have 25 academy centre backs just ready to be better
Navas - just... no
Bolaise - been in good form of late, but was destroyed by Alonso and Hazard and his early substitution felt like a mercy killing
Eriksen - was utterly anonymous and could not influence the game. Not for the first time this season
Drinkwater - awful error gifted West Brom the match and never grabbed the game as he did last season. Looks lost without Kante
Deeney - looks overweight and overpaid right now. Watford need him to start scoring. The defence can’t keep bailing the side out. Especially not against Liverpool
Lorente - allegedly playing up front for Swansea City

Until we meet again

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Ten

Sanchez revels in new found role
Sunderland are pretty easy pickings for anyone right now; even West Ham, who are absolutely bloody terrible, managed to beat them. It was little surprise then that Arsenal emerged as 4-1 winners in the weekend’s early kick off. More of a surprise, was that it took them so long to make the scoreline so emphatic. But for better refereeing decisions, the game would have been out of sight before Defoe gave the Black Cats the falsest of false hopes from the spot. Key to the victory, and much of Arsenal’s good work of late has been the form of Alexis Sanchez up front. The Chilean has hardly rested on his laurels since moving to the club, but what has impressed this year is his ability to adapt so successfully to a lone striker role. Sanchez buzzes around like an angry bee and with pace and power key components in his game, he is a far more mobile spearhead for Arsenal’s flowing attacks than Oliver Giroud. Who, despite his heroics from the bench here, should be confined to that role for the foreseeable future. Sanchez averaged a goal every 185 minutes for Arsenal in his previous two seasons, but this is down to 136 minutes so far this one. That’s an average of a goal every 1.5 games which, if he keeps that up, might finally be the answer to the 25 goal a season question that has flummoxed Wenger for the best part of the last decade.

Firmino is the best false 9 in world football

Woooooooah hold on their partner. In world football? Calm the hell down… next you’ll be telling me it’s “Liverpool’s year.” Well maybe not that just yet, certainly not whilst they continue to employ park goal keepers and their centre backs are booting it in the air and then spinning around comically to see where it’s gone. But that aside, it’s hard to see how Liverpool will finish outside the top four with no European distractions and scoring as many goals as this week in, week out. Key to their attacking intent has been the success of Roberto Firmino up front. Firmino has been transformed into the false 9 which every other would be false 9 should aspire too. The Brazilian presses relentlessly, never stopping as he moves from keeper to defender until the ball has gone past him. He wins back possession, he retains possession and he is key to the entire team being able to employ a high press in the opposition final third. Only Barca under Pep have pressed the ball as aggressively as Liverpool do under Klopp (although Spurs were similarly successful at home to City last month). Once in possession, Firmino’s movement is a constant blur. He never stands still and the reason why Lallana and Coutinho have been so successful attacking from deep is because of the space opened up by the man ahead of them. In a straight race Firmino isn’t the quickest, but he’s lightening over 3 or 4 yards such is his speed of thought. For all the brilliance of Sergio Aguero, it’s tempting to think that Guardiola is casting envious eyes over to Anfield about how his team might look with the Brazilian up front. Pep has searched his whole life, spent his whole life trying to find a midfielder which can play this role to such perfection. Turns out Brendon Rodgers found him instead.

Defence gives Watford breathing room
Having changed their manager 28 times in the past 3 years and getting rid of their last boss for having the nerve to safely keep them in the division; it’s safe to say that Walter Mazzarri was high up on many peoples betting slips when it came to the first manager sacked this season. After a horrible set of fixtures to start the campaign, Watford have settled nicely into their groove with a 3-5-2 system with genuinely attacking wing backs. Three clean sheets in a row and unbeaten in four have pushed Watford to 7th in the table, ahead of both Manchester United and the champions Leicester. Mazzarri has his team playing with high intensity and with excellent organisation. If he can just get his strikers to do anything in front of goal, in particular trying to find the Odion Ighalo who took the league by storm last year, who knows what they might be capable of.

Conte brings the Italian polish to Chelsea

It was rumoured a few weeks ago that Conte faced the sack if things didn’t improve at Chelsea. His team had been well beaten by both Liverpool and Arsenal in succession and it looked like the fickle trigger finger of Roman Abramovich was going to claim another victim. Since then Chelsea have beaten Hull, Leicester, Man Utd and Southampton by a collective score of 11-0. The true sign of any great coach is how you react to defeats. It is something that the greats have made an art form of, using defeats as a learning process to improve their team for the better. Another great sign, one which has eluded England National Managers for 20 years, is picking the players to fit the system rather than the tried and failed approach adopted by say, Manchester United, of just getting the best players on the pitch and hoping it works. Conte has moved to a 3-5-2 formation and brought in Moses and Alonso to play as wing backs. Two names which nobody would have guessed would have been key to Chelsea playing well this season. With Kante covering every blade of grass that’s ever grown in front of his back 3, Chelsea have evolved into a tight-knit unit which can protect the relative lack of pace of their centre backs. Matic and Hazard have been re-born and up front Diego Costa is close to unplayable. Chelsea have a difficult few games coming up before a run of matches leading up to January so gentle it could be renamed Ben. If they can remain unbeaten after playing City and Spurs, we really could have a sensational title race on our hands.

Everton cannot lose Lukaku and Barkley if they are to progress
I’ve been critical of Everton of late. Having seemingly turned the corner of the post Martinez debris they went five games without keeping a clean sheet and Koeman had appeared to shrunk within himself a little regarding the teams creativity. It was refreshing then, that after a nervous opening twenty minutes Everton came to life to dominate the rest of the game and remind their fans what it feels like to win football matches again. Key to this was the sort of performance that people want to see more of from Ross Barkley. The Englishman was fantastic here. Picking up the ball and finding the men out wide before bursting into the box in a way any good number ten should. Lukaku was also excellent and Everton fan’s won’t mind their talisman drifting in and out of games if he remains so lethal when in the penalty area. In truth, he could have had another hat trick here, missing one guilt edged chance to double his tally and being only a simple, overhit pass from Coleman away from being clean through. Everton look a more solid unit under Koeman, witness the sensible decision to close out the game at 2-0 rather than continue to pile forward and invite pressure on the counter, but they HAVE to keep Barkley and Lukaku in order to progress forward and be the sort of team that can finish in the top six. Sadly, the Catch 22 is that for every performance like this, that looks an increasingly less likely prospect.

Team of the Weak:

Pickford - hard to single out a keeper this week in truth, but Pickford was often nervous when the ball came into the box and is yet to keep a clean sheet this season
Olsson - destroyed by an on song Aguero and looked every bit his age
McAuley - as above
Obiang - lucky to stay on the pitch and couldn’t cope with Barkley’s movement

Lovren - nice goal son, but I’m sorry that was as comical a mistake as you’ll ever see
Cabaye - an absolute shadow of the player that Newcastle sold to PSG
Pogba - could well become a permanent fixture in this column if he continues to treat the Premier League with the intensity of a kick around in his private six a side pitch
Eriksen - has yet to get going this season and Spurs badly need him to find his clinical edge if they are to press on
McClean - An attacking midfielder who gets booked for fun and averages a goal every 1000 minutes
Zlatan - has not scored now in what, for God, must feel like an eternity. Had a dizzying 12 attempts on his own this weekend and missed one at the death that my mum would have buried. In her wheelchair
Benteke - he can head the ball, but he makes Zlatan and Rooney combined look mobile. Breaks into a run once very 3 games

Adieu 

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Nine

Jose needs to evolve, fast.

Since Ferguson retired United have been like an aging, punch drunk heavy weight boxer who keeps putting down the millions to have another shot at the belt. If Moyes was the wrong personality for a club of such stature, both Van Gaal and now Mourinho smack of right manager, wrong time. Football has evolved greatly in the past few years and the Premier League has become an even fiercer and faster battle ground. Jose looked lost at his old stomping ground this Sunday. Like an award winning director who no longer knew how to make a film that was relevant. His players didn’t carry out his tactics well enough, and he was not clever enough to change them to affect the game for the better. United have had too many “wake up calls” over the past four years for this to be classed as another. This was simply one, well managed, expensively assembled team showing another how to play football. The penny needs to drop at Old Trafford. None of this is working. The big signings, the big managers, the big money, the big egos. The fans deserve better than somebody who cost £90m; enough to pay for our NHS to have another 2,500 doctors, or home the entire homeless population of Manchester overnight; wandering aimlessly about the pitch like it doesn’t give a flying fuck what the result is. You see, the trouble with punch drunk boxers, is that sooner or later, they’re going to come back fighting, or stay down on the canvass for good.

And so does Guardiola

In a different way, these are suddenly not easy times on the other side of Manchester either. Winless in five after storming out of the blocks with ten wins on the bounce, Manchester City seem to have been worked out alarmingly early in Guardiola’s reign. Whilst Barcelona away is no benchmark for any side, City have failed to beat both Everton and Southampton at home off the back of that away defeat to Spurs. After scoring with reckless abandon they have managed just two goals in four matches. They have looked bereft of ideas and are making silly mistakes too often at the back. The Premier League is unlike other leagues in it’s harshness... and the expression that was etched across Pep’s face this weekend has been seen many times before. This was a face of man who couldn’t believe that a team expected to finish mid-table were coming away to his Galacticos and playing with this much verve and menace. Why weren’t they rolling over? Why were they fighting tooth and nail for every ball? Welcome Sir Pep... now you truly have arrived... 

Your move.

Fire in the Hull
After a strong start to the season, Hull have fallen away with alarming pace to the relegation zone to which many predicted they would be in from the off. Indeed, they have lost their last 5 matches by a collective scoreline of 19-4. Conceding the last 8 of that figure to sides who were, at the time, in the bottom two scorers in the league. Hull need to rally and fast before open season is declared by anybody rolling up to play them next. They play none of the current top 7 in the next 6 fixtures and they don’t get points from that run, they may as well give up now and start planning for life in the Championship.

Burnley deserved their win
If Burnley are going to stay in the Premier League this season it will be because of their form at Turf Moor. Desperately unlucky to come away with nothing at home to Arsenal, it was they who snatched three points this time around by catching Everton with a late sucker punch. The Clarets are a genuine force on their home patch, where players leap into tackles, passes are snapped around quickly and Tom Heaton turns into a sort of Gordon Banks reincarnate near every home match. They simply wanted the victory more than a leggy Everton, who took far too long to get going and played for long patches as if the game against Man City had been an hour before kick off, not a week. Burnley have a tricky run up of fixtures in the run up to Christmas, so these three points were exactly what their fans would want as an early present.

When your luck is out... it’s out
Sunderland remain rooted to the bottom of the league with two points and no wins after nine matches. Even by their tragicomic standings of how to start seasons... this is awful. How cruel it was then that West Ham scored with their 95th attempt this weekend to break their hearts in the final minute of the match. It’s tempting to say that Sunderland didn’t deserve this... but really, they did. West Ham were the better team, created more chances and only looked vulnerable when it got to the I can’t quite believe we haven’t scored yet zone. With Payet ready to serve up assists like bacon at a breakfast buffet, it’s never over till it’s over. Except for David Moyes, who surely can’t carry on much longer and has Arsenal up next. Chin up David... it could be worse.

Actually it couldn’t. Fuck me to think the greatest manager who has ever lived thought this clown was the man to carry on his legacy. Whatever next? A hard Brexit.

No, wait.

Team of the Weak:

De Gea - Quite possibly a team of the weak debut for the greatest football team on earth’s player of the year for the past three seasons. But this was a bad day at the office for him and it’s not often he will have to pick the ball out of the net that many times in one match.

Smalling - Not a debut however, for some of the garbage that was selected ahead of him. Oh Chris... you were so shit. So, so shit.
Stones - English centre backs rejoice!
Delaney - ran ragged by the pace and movement of an on song Leicester.
Blind - Appeared genuinely blind for most of the match.
Fellaini - An embarrassment to his parents.
Huddlestone & Livermore - Used to play for Spurs. I know, right...
Pogba - Could not pass water if his life depended on it.
Zlatan - Looked every day of his 46 years.
Aguero - Has there every been a more prestige front 3 in the team of the weak? Two of the best strikers in world football this past decade... right now both looking like they couldn’t score in a a Baltimore high rise.

Goodnight

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Eight

That’s Howe you do it
Six goals, wonderful football, an attacking defensive masterclass (not a typo) and an in form English striker banging in the goals up front. In fact, Eddie Howe’s side are littered with Englishman. Not least “Felix” Junior Stanislas who bagged two goals and two assists, and Jack Wilshire. Yes that’s right, Jack Wilshire. Remember him? He was absolutely brilliant here. Although right now Hull are probably not a benchmark for anyone. With the current national side in disarray, Howe’s name has been put forward by many as the answer to our desperate prayers. My advice, don’t bother Eddie... you and Jack are better off without that circus.

You can’t put a price on an in form Costa

The Premier Leagues top scorer continued his fine form this week, bagging his 7th of the season in another impressive display. Costa is a truly horrible footballer at times, wandering around the pitch like a forgotten Bond henchman who never got his big break. But when he is firing, he is as close to perfect as you can get for a target man. Costa is obviously strong, but he is surprisingly quick and he is a very composed finisher. He is incredibly unselfish and watching him you can see why he is exactly the sort of player that that oldest of football cliches was born. You love to play with him, but fuck me you don’t want to play against him. Right now, that statement is more true than ever.

Cresswell should be a lesson to the FA
One of the stranger laws that exists in football is that you are unable to appeal two yellow cards. If one case should throw that into the scrapbook it’s the two yellows that were awarded to Aaron Cresswell this Sunday. Cresswell got his first yellow for bursting into the box and having both his legs hacked from beneath him. Less than a minute later, he was booked again for going shoulder to shoulder with a Palace attacker. And so, what should have been a penalty and a second West Ham goal, ended up being a red card for the player who was arguably the man of the match up to that point. Carlsberg don’t do Red Cards, but if they did... this wouldn’t be it. 

Unless they were trying to do Red Cards which tasted as shit as their beer. In which case... they nailed it.

Charlie Austin was not a flash in the pan
Charlie Austin spent almost all of last season injured, and if you remove that from his CV his goal scoring record is 100 strikes in his past 184 matches. Messi and Ronaldo might turn their nose up at such statistics, but most strikers would happily bite your hand off for that record. Austin remains a curiously underrated forward. I remember watching him playing for QPR against Man City a couple of years back and he was absolutely unplayable. He ran their defence ragged with his strength, energy and ingenuity. This season Austin already has 7 goals in 9 appearances, which given half of those matches started on the bench is no mean effort. He bagged a brace this weekend and was the difference between Saints winning and hitting the seemingly never ending save machine that is Tom Heaton. If Austin stays fit, he is probably a better all round striker than 90% of English forwards out there, and is well worth a place in our national team over say... to name someone at absolute random... Wayne Rooney.

Monday night football
After a first half of such desperately dull football we all wanted to slowly forgot we had given up our evenings for such an affair... we were treated to a second half... of pretty much exactly the fucking same. Even writing about this game seems like an insult to the memory of this... so I’m not really going to bother.

Besides leaving you with two fun facts.

Fact one. The Referee blew up for a free kick 18 million times, a new league record.

Fact two. Paul Pogba cost Manchester United 90 million pounds.

I mean seriously... that is more laughable than Brexit.

Team of the Weak:

Hull. And several referees.

That is all.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Six

Hapless Hammers, hammered... again

It’s safe to say that West Ham have not had the best start to the season. Knocked out of Europe at the first stage, by the same set of part-timers that turned them over last year, they have since won just a single game against Bournemouth. More concerning, is that Watford, West Brom and Southampton - teams not known in the slightest for heavy figures in the “goals for” column have all torn them apart scoring 11 goals en route.

West Ham were appalling against Southampton this afternoon. Like a deer frozen in headlights they looked like a bunch of boys playing their first professional match under the big lights. They were nervous, casual and, most worrying for their manager, they appeared to give up once Saints scoring a deserved second. It’s hard to image Dimitri Payet ever playing this badly in a West Ham shirt, but in truth nobody in claret and blue excelled. They were over-run in midfield, exposed in defence and the performance of Zaza up front must have made their fans pine longingly for the return of Andy Carroll. 

West Ham need to get past their over achieving hang over from last season, wake up and start the hard work all over again. The Premier League is a cruel and unforgiving world... and form as bad as this is going to be punished every step of the way.

Wenger reminds his critics of his strengths

20 years, broken largely down by many in to two halves of contrasting fortunes. Say what you like about Wenger (and I have) - but he’s stubborn and he’s still here. The frustrations with his Arsenal team over the past decade haven’t been mediocrity. There are no middle of the road bore jibes to throw at Wenger. He has just time and time again promised to deliver greatness and fallen too easily when the real battles have been there to be won. So on the one hand it was refreshing to say his team cut apart a potential rival early in the season with guile and grace. Arsenal were everything Chelsea weren’t in a breathless first half. Ozil and Sanchez the chief tormentors supported by the increasingly more promising Alex Iwobi and the world’s best right back, Hector Bellerin (not a typo).

But on the other, we have been here before... notably last season when Arsenal tore apart a then unbeaten Manchester United in the first half, before going on do the double over Leicester... and still contrive to not win the title. This was an exhilarating and cathartic result for Arsenal fans... but caution should still be applied. Chelsea are a poor team, I don’t care how good a manage Conte may be. They have bought poorly this summer, with only Kante an improvement on the current first eleven that fluffed their title defence so spectacularly last season. If Arsenal play like that against Pep and his merry band of Sky Blue Champions elect assassins... then I might stand up and take notice.

Lambs were slaughtered all over the country
The 10 games this weekend involved 32 goals and 5 of those matches were one sided slaughters. Before Arsenal and Southampton got stuck into their hapless opponents, Manchester United had reaffirmed the belief that they may have spent enough money to finish second this season by re-legalising fox hunting. Who would possibly have thought that dropping Rooney for players capable of sprinting faster than a wounded tortoise could have resulted in an improved attacking display? What genius let the United manager know that maybe putting somebody who could actually pass the ball behind Paul Pogba might liberate him to produce his best form? Sometimes football really is the most simple of games... and when everybody is screaming the same thing... it’s normally because they are right.

And a word on Liverpool... those little swashbuckling midfielderteers that duck and weave and shoot and press and pass and all look so handsome when they do it. How long can this free-flowing lets share the goals around between everyone little escapade go on for before it comes crashing down in a defensive shambles again? Perhaps we should just enjoy the ride whilst it lasts. Pool have had an utterly preposterous 118 shots so far this season, an average of near 20 a game. So if you’re a Swansea fan heading to the Liberty Stadium next week and think it’s going to get better after being put to the sword by Manchester City... you’re probably shit out of luck.

Burnley need a win
Burnley don’t play until tomorrow night but are one point above the relegation zone and are home to Watford. After that they play Arsenal and Everton at home, and Southampton and Manchester United away. It’s hard to see more than a point or two coming from that run so three against the Hornets would be a nice buffer heading into a tough run. Burnley do have a good record at Turf Moor, even from their last stint in the Premier League. They have conceded just 2 goals in 5 matches there and remain the only team in any competition this season to have stopped Liverpool from scoring. Tom Heaton is a hugely underrated goalkeeper and he will need to be at his very best tomorrow to keep out the leagues top’s striker... Etienne Capoue...

Burnley are a likeable club who have shown unswerving loyalty to their manager during a period where every club bar Arsenal and Stoke have done otherwise. The league would be a better place with them in it. And not, you know... to name a club at random... Sunderland.

Hold on a Son Heung-minute

I’ll be honest I’ve got nothing bar the pun...

But seriously though. 4 goals in 3 matches. Keeping Lamela and Eriksen out of the team en route. I mean, this kid isn’t half bad. I know what you’re thinking right? We all thought by this time we’d all be sat here talking about how amazing Moussa Sissoko is?

Who knew right? Who knew. 

Football... bloody hell.

Team of the Weak: The dear Christ how much competition was their this week edition

Pickford - The youthful stopper has made a flurry of saves in recent matches, but he was a bystander here as Palace helped themselves to an implausible smash and grab 3-2 comeback. Probably won’t play again.
Elmohamady - Because when you’re playing Liverpool’s midfield maestro’s on song... what you need is a man sent off early.
Reid - It is now impossible to believe that West Ham ever kept a clean sheet in a football match.
Cahill - Hideous error gifted Sanchez the first goal and never recovered after. The inability of him and David Luiz to even come close to defending a 2 on 2 break was an utter embarrassment.
Amat - At this stage any defender associated with my fantasy football team really does need to be given the day off.
Huth - An error ridden horror show from start to finish. The Rashford goal alone should have seen the Leicester defence personally reimburse their fans.
Hazard - I said at the start of the season that Hazard HAS to be firing in order for Chelsea to prosper and after a promising start, their star has faded badly
Albrighton - Was absolutely shocking from start to finish. Couldn’t pass water.
Payet - Couldn’t have played worse if he tried. Which he didn’t for most of the match. Shameful.
Vardy - Complete toilet.
Zaza - Didn’t hold the ball up, didn’t win a header, didn’t play a key pass, got rightfully booked for diving. All in the all the sort of forward display that must have had Oliver Giroud giving him a standing ovation from the sidelines.
Lukaku - In here on genuine merit this time. If there is a more frustrating striker in the league than Lukaku I’m yet to see him. Veers between the unplayable and well... UN-playable with reckless abandon.

Goodnight.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Five

This one is going to get ugly...

Mark Hughes is on borrowed time
Back to back 4 goals reverses is never a good sign, more so when you consider that Stoke have now been thrashed in half of their last dozen matches. They are in free-fall. A shadow of the side that shimmered with menace midway through last season. The defence, shorn of Jack Butland, looks woeful and whatever blend Hughes is going for in attack he can’t find anything like the right mix.

Stoke’s manager has been here before. He has always had a higher opinion of himself than others, almost like a mini, Welsh Alan Pardew. He will need all of his self confidence to drag the Potters from this current rot. Stoke have West Brom, Hull, Sunderland and Swansea in their next five matches. If Hughes is to be in charge come the end of that run, his team needs to find the winning formula again soon.

Rooney stinks strongest in sea of excrement

After winning their first three matches and signing the most expensive player in the world, United fans could be forgiven for thinking the dark days were gone for a while. United have since lost the next three and have been largely dreadful in all of them. Mourinho’s team rallied after the break against City and their were signs of that again here following another Marcus Rashford strike... but another Watford goal saw United fall apart and the stench of the post Fergie era loomed large once more across the pitch. 

This was a desperately poor performance from United. The fullbacks did not get behind the Watford defence, Smalling and Bailey were clumsy and Marouane Fellaini neither tackled, headed or passed to any degree expected of a professional football. What must Paul Pogba be thinking? £90m and you play the guy with a basketball thug on one side and the decrepit Wayne Rooney the other? Granted Pogba was terrible... but he still stood out like polished diamond compared to the mountainous pile of shit that was the United captain.

I said at the start of this season United will win no major honours until Rooney is removed from the starting eleven. Under his captaincy both United and England have gone backwards; despite near billions being spent on his club’s squad and a sea of talented youngsters coming through for the national side. He is a millstone of feces around the neck of this club. Mourinho spent pre-season warmly telling the press that his captain was a ‘9 or a 10”, but certainly not a midfielder. Anybody could spray passes from deep unchallenged he said. What then Jose was Rooney doing playing on the right of a midfield three, spraying (largely inaccurate) passes from deep for the first half? Jose avoided the question, as he has avoided the Rooney/Zlatan/Pogba through the middle conundrum all season to date. But why did he avoid it? Jose is brutally honest at times and no stranger to calling out his players when they perform as badly as this. Rooney has played terribly for three years yet remains this sides captain for no reason anybody who watches the games can fathom. At the risk of starting a conspiracy theory, one wonders if his contract directly prohibits him being dropped for x number of matches? His presence and form has already helped claim the scalp of one former great manager... surely he cannot be allowed to claim another.

Having been given the job, Phelan now needs to be given time
Mike Phelan is expected to be formally announced as Hull’s manager in the next 24 hours. Which may come as a slight surprise to anybody who assumed he already was their manager. Apparently not. After one of the longest caretaking stints in history, certainly for the opening part of a season, Phelan will be given the responsibility of keeping Hull in the top flight this season. He must therefore, be given just that... the season. This is a job that nobody in football wanted to touch and who’s former manager walked away from it with the season about to start. Hull were written off from day one and it would be hugely insulting if Phelan was shown the door having steadied the ship and earnt the loyalty of his players.

After a superb start, Hull have fallen away of late and aren’t exactly helped by a trip to free-flowing Liverpool next weekend. After that though, the fixtures turn in their favour and Phelan needs to bring out the best from an experienced back line and hard working centre. It is up front though where he really needs to work some magic. Robert Snodgrass has been involved in virtually all of Hull’s goals this season and keeping the mercurial winger fit will be vital. The strikers ahead of him need to find their feet too. Abel Hernandez is a talented player and having itched for a summer move that never came, the Uruguayan  needs to get his head down and realise the best thing for both him and his current club, is to start scoring.

Man City are going to be tough to beat
City have made a mockery of the loss of their star striker in the last two games, winning away at their rivals and then thumping Bournemouth this Saturday. Guardiola has eased his way in to English football nicely and with five wins out of five and only Everton so far keeping touch with them, the Spaniard has sent out an ominous early warning to the other title pretenders. Their squad is deep, their pockets deeper and Sterling and De Bruyne are playing like £50m players. 

That is how much they cost? Really? £50m for Raheem Sterling? That can’t be right. Well... I guess if you’re managed by Pep, that doesn’t look too bad after all...

Foxes aren’t going to go away quietly

Anybody who has written Leicester off as an afterthought to this season should probably remember who is writing their scripts. After a dreadful opening loss to Hull and being humbled by Liverpool it would be easy to condemn the Foxes to an inevitably poor title defence and a probable mid table finish. Whilst that might still happen, the Foxes screamed back to life this week with resounding 3-0 victories in both the Champions and Premier League. Leicester have brought well and Ranieri has been careful not to incorporate all his players into the side too quickly, letting them acclimatise to the league’s pace whilst keeping his loyal band of troops onside. Slimani looked extremely good this weekend. The Algerian striker plundered 31 goals for Lisbon last season and looks tailor made for the style of football his new team play. Leicester play Manchester United and Mourinho next. Whatever happens... it will probably be worth watching.

Team of the Weak 

Given - Stoke must have a better keeper on their books? They must have? Given is 40 for fucks sake. Come on.
Livermore - Has started the season well but this was not his day. Torn apart by Sanchez all afternoon and eventually dismissed.
Smalling - Awful error early on and never covered himself in glory thereafter. Can we have Blind back now please.
Martins Indi - Dominated by Andros Townsend. Words nobody wants on their CV.
Ayala - Given the once over by a free flowing Everton attack and never looked comfortable
Fellaini - A genuine horror show. Literally did nothing right.
Rooney - Somehow, someway, even worse than the above.
Wilshire - Well, he didn’t get injured I suppose...
Hazard - Couldn’t influence the game and in the bigger matches Chelsea badly need him to.
Llorente - Apparently is playing up front for Swansea but evidence remains sketchy.
Lukaku - Just for the absolute nerve of claiming a goal when you didn’t touch it... and then actually being given it? Sort it out Premier League, you can’t just give goals to people who want them more.

Jokers. Goodnight.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Four

Full disclosure, I spent all weekend at a wedding and the only game I’ve watched is tonight’s thriller at the Stadium of the Light. As such, this week’s blog may well lean heavily on pure stats, huge assumptions and generally the sort of accuracy normally associated with Garth Crooks

Rashford must start for club and country
I am not normally somebody who calls for the fast track of youth, or for burdening the young with undue expectations - but such is the porosity of pace, creativity and reckless abandon for both Manchester United and England, that it has now become a must that this fearless and splendidly talented youngster helps both sides to climb out of their general malaise. Quite what England were thinking sending Rashford to the under 21s whilst they continued to select Rooney as captain and a visibly jaded Harry Kane was anybody’s guess. England toiled, Rashford slammed in a hat trick in a sort of this level really is a bit beyond me but go on then kind of way and then he was sent back to Manchester where, fresh from winning the game against Hull, he was benched.

Jose cannot stand there and keep a straight face and say that the players he initially selected let him down when, in truth, he just selected the wrong players. How far United go this season will ultimately depend upon how quickly Mourinho can integrate Rashford into his side. If Zlatan the ageless destroyer is nailed on up top, the three attacking positions behind him have to go... Rashford... plus two others.

Costa deserves no sympathy

Costa has been in imperious form this season - let’s start with that. He has led the line brilliantly, taken his chances and has been lucky to stay on the pitch in every match. It always amuses me when a manager claims his player has been targeted because of their temperament. We are not talking about people scything down Ronaldo or Messi in mid flight, we are talking about defenders fouling Costa because it often provokes a reaction. That has to begin and end with the player. If Costa didn’t react, players would stop kicking him. Rooney was heavily targeted when he was younger owing to his questionable temperament. He didn’t need to be protected, he just needed to grow up. Given Costa never, ever gets sent off... the case for him being persecuted and not actually quite protected, grows ever thinner.

I like you Conte... you’re passionate, you’re fun, you’re so Italian I half expect you to have a red, white and green scooter on standby for when your team score... but don’t go here... you’re better than this.

West Ham vs Watford was probably a thriller
Six goals, a comeback from 2 nil down, a masterclass in counter attacking, away football. I have no idea in truth having witnessed none of it. But any game which featured 32 shots and 4 goals scored in 20 minutes must have been worth watching. West Ham continue to be a comically unpredictable team, sort of like a baby Liverpool. You know, with even more annoying fans and delusions of grandeur based on past glories. They are blessed with a rich pool of attacking, injury prone attackers and defenders who seem to have little interest in their day job. As for Watford, hands up who thought Capoue was going to be this season’s Mahrez? A defensive midfielder who had scored 1 goal and assisted 1 more in his previous 5,000 minutes of league football is currently sitting pretty at the top of the Opta midfield stats with 3 goals and 2 assists for the season? Where in God’s name has this come from? Is Capoue going to go on and net double figures for the season? Or is this planet aligning anomaly going to come to an abrupt halt soon so we can all go back to our lives and forget about his bizarre, fantasy football wrecking affair...

West Brom didn’t need new signings, they needed a new manager
Tony Pulis has publicly bemoaned his club’s transfer window... and whilst there is no doubt that his chairman’s utterly perverse stance on refusing to ever sell Saido Berahino has not helped things, Pulis has signed ample attacking players over his time only to see none of them magically turn his troops into anything resembling an entertaining side.

Since joining West Brom at the start of 2015 Pulis has signed McManaman, Pritchard, Rondon, Gnabry, McClean, Lambert, O’Neil, Samaras, Chadli and Phillips in attacking roles. Only Rondon can be considered a success, the others, to date, mustering together a massive three goals between them. Although granted “record signing” Chadli has only played one game.

Yeah, that’s right. I just typed the words “record signing” when talking about Nacer Chadli.

Sometimes, you just don’t need to say anything else.

Something about Sunderland v Everton

Has any player in the history of sport scored an easier hat trick than Lukaku? An unmarked header from six yards. An unmarked header from three yards. And then a one on one with all the time in the world. Oh Sunderland... you are so shambolically predictable no matter who your manager is you really are. Go and have a season in the championship and think about what you’ve done.

Team of the Weak 

The City keepers - I mean, have a thought for Hart - watching the guy who replaced you come in, flap at everything, make a huge howler and the manager not care because he can pass the ball out of defence has got to hurt... but when you then go and cost your new team the match the day after as well...

Whoever played in defence for Stoke and West Ham - 8 goals conceded, I can’t believe any of you played well. The stats don’t lie people.
The Arsenal midfield - pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, miss, get a late penalty, claim “team spirit” was the difference.

The Pulis attack. Rubbish. Oh and Wayne Rooney. Slower than me Nan in her broken wheelchair. And keeping Rashford out of the team. If he had any self respect at all he’d sub himself.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Two

Week Two

This weeks blog comes off the back of 7 successive 5:30am starts. And as such, may well make very little sense.

Friday night lights sparkle, if not shine.
This weekend’s football kicked off at the all new time of 8pm on a Friday, and it was only fitting that Sky covered the fixture with their usual care and consideration by picking a match that saw many Southampton fans getting back to their city by 9am the next morning. Not Watford or Chelsea then? Two teams from the same city. Or Spurs or Palace? No, we’ll have United please, who gives a toss who they’re playing, that’s not our concern, we’ll get their lovely stadium and heavy corporate sponsorship all over our screens. Wankers.

As it was, the match was a fitting reminder of the new Premier League era of the megastar. Finally an English club were able to show off a player who could be considered amongst the world’s best, and had not just moved to Spain in their prime. Let’s gloss over that this player cost Manchester United £90m when they let him go for nothing four years ago. 

Pogba drifted in and out of the first 45 before applying some genuine sparkle on the occasion in a dominant second half display. United have flattered to deceive ever since Ferguson left, fluctuating between a fallen giant, a laughing stock and a live action snoozefest. This time though, with Jose, Zlatan and Pogba in tow - it seems like the hype may actually be real. The season may only be two games old, but it’s already tempting to suggest anybody who finishes above a Manchester club is going to win it.

None of which makes Friday night football a good idea.

Burnley give Liverpool a lesson in finishing

A two nil home victory is the sort of result that looks routine on paper, but there was nothing routine about this preposterously one sided match. After putting four past Arsenal last week Liverpool rocked up brimming in confidence, with a returning Daniel Sturridge and proceeded to achieve a staggering 81% possession and twenty plus attempts. They could not get past Tom Heaton though, and in truth rarely got beyond the Burnley back four who defended deep and with no small degree of skill, reducing their opponents to shots from distance. Liverpool’s problem this season is going to be much the same as last - when they fail to break down opposition defences they lack either the stand out player to steal a 1-0 from somewhere, or the actual defence themselves to at least hold out for a 0-0 and go again. Liverpool pretty much always concede, and regardless of how many goals they will score this season (and don’t let this match convince you it won’t be plenty) they simply are not going to challenge for the main honours if Klopp cannot teach his defenders how to do their jobs better. He could start by reinstating Emre Can to the first eleven as well. Jordan Henderson is not a defensive screening midfielder and never will be Jurgen. He’s also... you know... not as good.

Sunderland - new manager, same old shit
Sunderland have not won a football match in August in six years. You’ve got to admire that. Are they making a lengthy protest about the season kicking off so early? Do they just like to give their fans something to worry about early before turning up in the New Year and coasting to safety yet again? Whatever the reason, their first half performance here smacked of a team not back from the summer holidays and suddenly realising half way through they were involved in a real football match. And a local derby at that. Sunderland did rally in the second half but the damage was already done and they couldn’t come away with the points. Middlesborough meanwhile followed up their unfortunate opening weekend draw with a terrific win courtesy of two expertly taken goals. Sunderland fans at least had the amusement of Newcastle to warm their hearts last season. All that warmth will quickly evaporate though, if they watch Middlesborough leap to the top of the North East tree.

North London - six points that you’d need six pints to enjoy
Both Spurs and West Ham got their seasons going this weekend with late 1-0 wins over stubborn opposition. For Spurs, the “Dembele” effect continued with another stuttering performance rescued by the energy of Alli and Wanyama’s home debut finish. Spurs aren’t going to get it their own way as often this season and if their young and talented squad don’t want their Champions League career to be a fleeting one, they need to play better at home and put teams as impotent as Palace to the sword.

Over in the We Won the World Cup City of London Stadium, West Ham shocked the world by announcing before kick off that the 11 year unblemished injury run of Andy Carroll was over, and that he was out for six weeks. On the pitch, almost nothing of note happened until a frantic final ten minutes when both teams realised that if they tried to score, they might win. Antonio did just that, with another header for what surely must be the best out and out winger to be inexplicably converted to a full back. What is that about Slaven? I can see the logic in converting wingers to full backs at the latter end of their careers (Valencia, Brunt, Milner apparently) - but Antonio is in his prime, isn’t especially great at defending and is one of the best players in the league for coming in at the back post. He’s strong, quick and superb in the air. Just play him on the wing Slaven and see what happens.

What’s that? He did play on the wing here? Oh... well... er... I told you so... 

Swansea might need bodies
Swansea have an excellent manager, some brilliant fans and a very loyal bunch of journeymen who continue to lose 1 or 2 top assets a season. Having this time lost their captain though, Swansea look like a team who need reinforcements in key areas, not least centre back and the number 10 role, where it’s essentially Siggy or bust for them. Yes they have bought a not at all random mixture of promise, potential and experience in Fer, Baston and Llorente. But they are still playing Wayne Routledge. That needs to stop. Now.

Seriously what has happened to Montero? The guy can’t buy a start now. He tore teams apart this time last year?

I mean, just imagine going home to your family and telling them that Wayne Routledge is keeping you out of the team. You genuinely couldn’t contest a divorce settlement.

Team of the Weak - sponsored by Pete’s Puns.

Given nothing

Inclyned to say nowt
Evans above
Love forty down
An easy Targett
You’d be Shawcross at that
We Watmore
Not very Mutch
Don’t fall off the Routledge
Alexiless
Not the Rondon

Howard Wilson
 
Goodnight. I can’t stress that enough.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week One

It was a typically unpredictable smörgåsbord of an opening weekend, with bookies favourties to go down and 5000/1 outsiders to win the league Hull City sticking it to the reigning champions. Now, I’m not saying lightning is going to strike twice... but I am absolutely and categorically saying that lightning is NOT going to strike twice.

Klopp outfoxes Wenger
A 4-3 rip snorter at the Emirates flattered Arsenal somewhat; who largely gave the sort of performance one has come to expect from the last ten years of Wenger. Had Liverpool had a different keeper and a homeless guy off the street at left back, the scoreline would probably have been worse for Arsene and his merry band of hapless assassins. But enough about Arsenal, dear god the time and print I’ve wasted on saying the same thing over and over again these past few years. Buy a striker. Learn how to defend a counter attack. Get some backbone. Seriously... we’re all sick of it and every year we pray they finally finish out of the top four, sack Wenger and move the hell on with their life.

So let’s turn to Liverpool instead, far and away the most entertaining side in the league since Klopp took over. A team that can win or lose 5 nil at any given moment. A team that can spend millions assembling the most nimble footed, jinking little minxes of attacking midfielders... and continue to play Alberto Moreno at left back. Lots of people play 4-2-3-1 these days, its the de facto formation of choice in the Premier League and indeed on the international stage. But within that formation, there is nobody in football who does the “3” better than Jurgen Klopp. One look at Liverpool’s transfers this summer suggest that Klopp doesn’t really care about any other aspect of his team... he just wants to stare longingly at Coutinho and co pressing, harassing, passing, moving, giving and, when it works, scoring with reckless abandon. He is helped in this desire by the willingness of Roberto Firmino to play as the falsest of false 9’s. Firmino is a lesson to every would be attacker out there how to find space. He craves it, he covets it. He is literally always in space, ghosting around like a martian in and out of defenders eye lines. He finds it, he makes it, he creates it for his team mates. He was born in space. He is perpetually in space. He has spent more time in space than Mark Watney. It is because of this that Klopp’s system works so well going forward and in twenty brutal minutes at the start of the second half Liverpool scored three and could have scored three more. 

Liverpool don’t defend well enough to win titles, but if you want to watch one team this year and be riotously entertained each time... you could do a lot worse. 

Zlatan will write his own headlines

3-1 winners at Bournemouth, Manchester United kicked off the season in winnings ways with a performance that suggested the days of scratching around in the Europa places may finally be at an end. Jose buys end product, nothing more, rarely less. And nobody is more end product than Zlatan. He is not going to tear through defences with the abandon of youth, but with Martial to do that for him, he is instead going to put himself around, get in the right positions, and score the goals that this side has lacked since Wayne Rooney collected his pension early. Even Rooney actually got in on the act, quelling the inevitable talk that a near 76 year old strike partnership is not going to cut it over 38 grueling games. There will be harder tasks for United ahead, but with Pogba waiting in the wings and the likes of Mkhi and Rashford barely used, it’s enough for their fans to know that they at least have a chance of not having 80% possession and zero shots in a match each time they step on the pitch. As for Zlatan, it’s just nice to see him enjoying himself.

The promoted clubs will need to find that killer touch
Hull may have got off to winning ways this weekend, but you feel that will need more up top than Diomande if they are to remain in the league come next May. Middlesbrough meanwhile, started well with a fine goal from new signing Alvaro Negredo, but then proceeded to miss a string of decent chances in a match they largely dominated before being pulled back by a Shaqiri free kick. Burnley could’t even manage a point, as they were defeated at home to Swansea and looked like they could have played all day and not scored. Goals keep you in the division people. It’s a hard currency and if you don’t have a striker who can score you 10-15 at crucial times it’s very hard work. All three of these sides will have to find that magic formula if they are to stay around for longer than just the one season.

Chelsea aren’t going to win the league
The aura of positivity around Stamford Bridge at the moment is a curious one. After all, Chelsea have done little in the summer other than retain their key players; which smacks of the sort of summer Arsenal fans used to dream of rather than anything especially progressive. Yes they’ve signed a promising young striker to replace... the promising young striker they sold a couple of years ago. And yes they have Kante, who effectively plays two positions. But their problem last season were terrible defensive errors and a lack of discipline. Discipline that isn’t going to be helped by the retention of Diego Costa and the new rule of yellow cards for arguing with the referee. And what of that defence? Has the Italian national manager really come in, taken a look and declared himself happy with a first choice back line containing three players in visible decline? Chelsea of course are not without hope, a midfield of Matic and Kante is not going to get broken down easily and with the mercurial Hazard seemingly back on song, Chelsea should certainly improve on last season’s utterly woeful title defence. But winners? No. They need a pretty spectacular close to the transfer window to achieve that.

Will the transfer window please start shutting before the season
How can Bolasie play for Palace, step off the pitch and head straight to Everton for a medical ready to join them? How can Manchester United bid for Jose Fonte before they are just due to play them? The Transfer window was surely invented to stop this sort of madness from happening and limit the disruption to teams during the actual season? Mahrez may well have scored a penalty on Saturday, but he has played back to back games visibly under the weight of heavy transfer speculation and he is not alone. Yes it is inevitable that certain players will be coveted by bigger teams (although these days it often seems the case that clubs merely swap like for like in increasingly stranger ways) - but can we please just limit that to the week before the season starts and let clubs prepare properly with a squad they know is actually going to be there for six months?

Not kicking off the season before the kids have even gone on the school bloody holidays yet would help matters as well...

Team of the Weak

Mignolet - a keeper who just has no middle ground between absolute wonder saves and stone wall howlers. The former rendered faintly pointless by the propensity of the second.
Moreno - just an appalling defender.

Chambers - a signing that is starting to resemble Bebe esque levels of bizarreness. Not only is Chambers a very average defender, he is inexplicably slow.
Monreal - had an excellent season last time around but was cruelly exposed by the pace and movement of the Liverpool front four.
Francis - never got to grips with the United front line and looked out of his depth. Eddie Howe is a loyal and loveable manager, but simply needs better defenders if Bournemouth are going to survive again.

Morgan - not a return to league action to remember for the man who lifted the title a few months ago. Looked off the pace and error prone.
Zaha - created nothing, did nothing, got booked.

Alli - started slowly and grew into the game too late to make any real impact - needs to find his level again after a disappointing end to last season and the car crash of the Euro’s.

Mahrez - scoring a penalty does not a good game make, whatever fantasy football might think. A shadow of the man who tore into defenders last season.

Lennon - rubbish.
Gray - is going to have to step up and step up fast if Burnley are going to stay in this division. If the gap between pre-season and that Swansea team is this, you would worry about playing Liver... no okay, my bad, let’s give him another week. 

Wickham - continues to lead the Palace line despite a record of one goal in about eleven. And indeed, I’ll leave you with the words of his manager after the match.

“I think any striker who becomes available is of interest to us”

Any striker. ANY striker? Christ. Don’t tell Wenger. Who knows what he might do.

Goodnight.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey