Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week 35

1. Newcastle v Liverpool retains the power to thrill

Over the course of many Premier League seasons, Newcastle v Liverpool has long delivered goals, drama and entertainment. Saturday was no exception, although it was possibly the most one sided affair in 20 seasons of the top flight. This was a match that almost deserved its own 5 things. From the brilliance of Coutinho through to calamitous defending, this was a match which even provided entertainment in the post-match comments (the always amusing Steven Taylor claiming the result was like a “family death.”) It also once again showed us the maddening inconsistency of Liverpool. Having not played well for three games and failing to score in two of them, the Reds shook off the loss of Luis Suarez and hammered six past the Toon with some scintillating attacking play coupled with defending that made an art form of the term “stand off him.” Liverpool remain on course to finish in the position nobody cares about, 7^th. A position which is unlikely to convince their star player to stick around for another year, especially with the FA taking a bite out of 20% of next season’s league games. Much has been written already of the Suarez incident, so I don’t feel compelled to labour the point here. The act was stupid and spiteful and the punishment ludicrous. The only thing more ludicrous is the victim mentality of Liverpool football club. It has long since been endearing and is now spilling over to farce. It is not other people’s fault you employ a talented yet racist, sewer rat on your books. More of a concern right now is the Premier League survival of Newcastle United. They remain far from safe with three games left to secure the win which will likely retain their top flight status next year. The contract given to Pardew and the faith shown in him and the players is now starting to look a mite generous. But still, they’ll probably beat QPR and survive and all will be ok again. And then this match will ultimately be insignificant. Unlike this one, which remains the greatest match the league has ever thrown up. 5 minutes spare? Treat yourself…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwCDYc-r3iI

2. The Championship is too good a league for QPR & Reading
If there was any justice, both these clubs would bypass the entertainment of the Championship and be relegated straight to League One as punishment for their attempts at survival this year. Reading lacked ambition and ability from the off, which is fine if you at least show loyalty and are trying to build a team which will come straight back up. But they sacked their manager for no reason and haven’t won a game since they did. QPR are on the other hand are a disgrace to English football. Their players should be made to walk through the streets of London naked whilst they’re pelted with rotten fruit & veg. QPR have a team made up of Champions League & Title Winners, as well as young and supposedly talented players who have underachieved in a spectacular fashion this season. The sight of their goalkeeper making no attempt to rush to take a goal kick in 90^th minute said it all. The sight of the detestable Jose Bosingwa laughing as he walked off the pitch even more so. Redknapp & Fernandes have maintained a united front since the defeat, but I’ll be shocked to see either at the club come August, let alone several of their “star” players. You could ponder for a good hour over your “worst eleven” this year but it would be simpler to make them all QPR players. When Joey Barton, a disgraced midfielder relegated to play in the French league because he behaved so badly, can actually take the moral high ground against what he left behind… fuck me you really are in trouble.

3. Can Match of the Day sink any lower?
No sports show on television is more in need of a makeover than Match of the Day. The format look tired five years ago and has got worse since. Other stations have upped their game, employing genuine pundits like Gary Neville, or stealing the BBC’s best one, Lee Dixon. Indeed, the level of analysis and entertainment provided by the likes of the Guardian Podcast is incomparable, so far removed from the vidi printer on a sofa approach that MOTD still favours that it’s not even worth crossing that bridge. This week we had Phil Neville and Alan Shearer talk absolute nonsense for an hour, providing us with the sort of tactical insight that a ten year old could give me. The commentator and slow motion replay has already told me it was clearly offside lads, I don’t need you to tell me that again? The BBC have often responded to criticism of the show by claiming that because they analyse multiple matches, they don’t have the time that Sky do analysing one. What utter garbage. For starters the BBC coverage is no better when dealing with one off FA Cup or International matches. But the more pressing reason is surely that the people employed to sit on the Match of the Day sofa just don’t care enough. Earlier on in the season, Gary Neville dedicated 5 whole minutes on the Monday Night Match to analyse a Stoke set piece goal. Neville showed how the goal wasn’t just a simple set piece move, but a carefully worked training ground routine that involved no fewer than five Stoke players getting their movements/actions right at the correct time to score the goal. It was a masterstroke of insight the likes of which Alan Shearer could never have provided. This was one such example that MOTD used to show how they didn’t have the time to go into such detail. Why not? Neville prepared the analysis during a 3 minute advert break, the BBC team have over 3 hours. Yes he went into lengthy detail, but anyone sat on the MOTD couch could have dissected it down into a 60 second segment with the same effect? No, instead we are made to watch a 60 second montage of the same fucking highlights again with somebody telling us who we already knew was the man of the match. Match of the Day is a show produced and starring lazy, over paid idiots who know nothing about the tactical side of the game or what it’s like to be a current top flight footballer or manager. It is a show which needs to be called out for what it is. Fucking Shit. That I give my license money each month to pay for it is a crime.

4. Arsenal fans can have no complaints
After the faintly awkward and needlessly much discussed “guard of honour” - Arsenal fans settled into a steady rhythm of booing the returning Robin Van Persie. It was an action that whilst inevitable, smacked of bitterness and misplaced anger. Van Persie was always going to get more money elsewhere, but that is the fault of Arsenal’s wage cap not anybody else’s. The player has been vocal about his desire to win trophies and the Dutchman has matured pleasingly over the past few seasons. Unlike say Samir Nasri, there has been no pointless rubbing victory in the faces of his old comrades and you get the sense that the reasons for his move were genuine. That he has gone on to win a title at his first attempt justifies his decision to move and if Arsenal still finish 4^th justifies their decision to sell. Arsenal with Van Persie would still have finished no higher than 3^rd, so why are Arsenal fans so angry with him for having left? No, the real problem is a squad that is systematically being weakened by poor signings and a mentality that now seeps through the team that this a club that has forgotten how to win anything. That and Bacary Sagna, who is now the worst fullback in the entire league.

5. Are Swansea the new Charlton?
Swansea haven’t won since the 2^nd March and have scored just four goals in their last seven games. The League Cup winners aren’t so much limping over the finish line but crawling towards it like my 7 month old daughter… who is still learning to crawl. Whilst they could not win again all season (and on this form, probably won’t) – this will still have been a richly successful one for Michael Laudrup’s men. But even so, do players have to be so visibly disinterested once they know they’re safe from relegation but outside of the top six? Michu may as well be on holiday already and at the risk of questioning the integrity of the league, would teams not be better served blooding youth or squad players in these latter matches? After all, if the league is going to limit the amount of people you can have on your books at any time, you should be able to use those people freely and without sanction. Man Utd v Swansea is a genuine dead rubber in a fortnight and I for one would like to see two, under 23 teams put out. Then at least you’d have people playing as if it mattered rather than just collecting their wages and waiting for their summer vacation.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week 33

1. The magic and the mayhem returned to Wembley

After Saturday’s ugly scenes involving (feigns shock) Milwall fans, all eyes were on today’s match to restore some of the stardust to a competition badly lacking it of late. Thankfully, football fans everywhere were not to be disappointed. Well maybe Chelsea fans, but nobody really cares about them. The second FA Cup Semi Final was an end to end pulsating thriller filled with great goals, superb saves and high octane drama. Ya Ya Toure treated the Chelsea central midfield with the respect that it deserved and City dominated two thirds of a match they should have been out of sight of. Goals though, as they say, change games… and Chelsea produced a marvellous late flurry following another wonderful Demba Ba strike. The match wasn’t finished there and also featured a last ten minutes of spectacularly bad officiating just for the hell of it. There were a couple of suspect offside calls, an unpunished rake by Fernando Torres that was clearly a booking and one of the great “how was that not a red card moments.” Chris Foy had a good game for 80 minutes and his desire to let the game flow contributed hugely to such a great spectacle, but quite how he missed Sergio Aguero drop-kicking David Luiz remains a mystery. The Argentinian can probably expect some retrospective punishment (or not, knowing the randomness of the FA) but either way he’ll be available to play in a cup final that pits the muscle and the might against the minnows. Wigan may not be able to fill half of Wembley Stadium, but a cup final appearance is a rich reward for a club who have loyalty coursing through their veins. I’ll be cheering for them next month, although if City attack like they did today you fear the worst…

2. Di Canio was made for the Premier League
Say what you like about the man’s politics (and many have) Paulo Di Canio is pure, 100% box office. After a calm start to his Sunderland career the Italian exploded into life in a Tyne/Wear Derby that seemingly attempted to redefine the word “passion.” Sunderland produced a performance that was almost Norton Coin in its comparison to how they’ve played for the past 12 months, sweeping past Newcastle with some slick football and truly brilliant goals. The reaction of their manager to these goals bordered on the parody. Di Canio gurned, punched and knee slid his way onto the pitch as if Sunderland had just won the Champions League. For their fans, it was all a bit too much to take as several post match arrests indicated. For now though, they have reason to believe they can survive again in a relegation battle that throws up a new favourite team for 18^th each week. Many teams that have been “too good to go down” have done just that. But at the risk of open mockery if it happens, surely… surely Newcastle are too good to go down. If this team finishes below one of Stoke, Norwich, Villa and Wigan they want whipping. If they finish below all of them they should be cast out to sea.

3. What will become of Andy Carroll
Staying with the Tyneside theme, Newcastle pony Andy Carroll has had his future questioned again this week, just as he’s returned to a little bit of form. There is a certain irony in Carroll having his best scoring run for a year at the same time as Liverpool return to not being able to hit the back of the net for love nor money, but such is football at times. Carroll has hardly set the world alight at West Ham but the gallant stallion is a much better player than people give him credit for. The trouble isn’t that he’s a bad player, it’s that he’s not a £35m player and frankly never will be. Carroll belongs at a club outside of the European spots who will occasionally punch above their weight, not be impartial to the odd cup run but largely fail to mount any sort of serious challenge for meaningful silverware. He belongs at a club like… hold on… like Liverpool. Well I’m none the wiser then. I suppose they could always just put him in a Tesco Burger.

4. The Championship remains as exciting as ever
Sadly condemned to the graveyard Saturday night shift, the drama of the Championship continues to deliver season upon season upon season. It is a wonderful league full of talented young players (Ince), old pro’s refusing to be put out to pasture (Phillips) and managers you’d thought you’d seen the back of for good (Bruce). The real story though, is a relegation battle that makes the Premier League one look dull by comparison. Middlesbrough are in 10^th spot of a league that contains 24 teams, yet they are just six points off relegation. In total a mere 7 points separates a staggering 14 teams with 4 or 5 games left to play. Sheffield Wednesday looked dead and buried two weeks ago but 3 wins out of their last 5 means they are now as close to 9^th as they are the drop zone. It’s impossible to pick out two of the myriad of contenders, although Wolves and Blackburn could well be favourites to complete an unparalleled double, double drop from the Premier League to League One in successive seasons. The Championship continues to live in the shadow of its bigger brother, but spending  a weekend enjoying the madness remains as enjoyably unpredictable as anything European football can offer.

5. Nobody is above a shameless plug, or indeed just begging
I’m not above anything, not least finding any possible way of insulting Liverpool in 5 easy to digest points, but will people who read this blog please start following me on twitter. I don’t like to beg, or indeed boast, but my Google hit counter tells me 130 people read my blog last week and 145 on average this year. If you’re reading this on Bread & Butter or Football Blog UK, that’s probably another 100 more. So why the hell have I only got 44 followers on twitter? Granted all I do on twitter is post this blog, insult footballers or minor celebs and make wildly inaccurate predictions… but still? At least a quarter of my followers appear to work in the sex industry? So if you’re reading this blog and have a full 20 seconds of your life to spare – please follow me. It will not change your life in almost any meaningful way. But it will change mine. Sort of.

Oh and seriously who is the person in Alaska who has been reading this blog for like 2 years? I want answers…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week 32

1. Liverpool remain an inconsistent work in progress
With 6 games left of their season and looking increasingly likely to finish 7^th, it’s hard in many ways to see how Liverpool have moved forward from the King Kenny era. Ok so they’ve cut the wage bill, play an easier on the eye passing game and when they have won, they’ve won well… but they are going to finish the season trophy less and just one position higher than last season. Probably without even a Europa League spot to console themselves with. The main problem with Liverpool this season has not been dissimilar to that seen by Arsenal last year… that of a complete and almost total reliance on one player. Liverpool have won just a single league game all season when Suarez hasn’t either scored or assisted a goal. They haven’t played much without him in the team, but in it almost every attack goes though him. The Uruguayan has been outstanding over the past 9 months, but he can’t always be at his best and when he’s not Liverpool look abject. The consistency of the team have been badly lacking for some time. Every time Liverpool move forward, they seem to take another step back. They have not won four games in a row all season and no team can have their sights set on the top four without the ability to put those sort of runs together. Spurs went a dozen games unbeaten between December and March and Arsenal have just won 7 of their last 8 league games. Even Everton started the season losing just once in their first 11 matches. There are other issues beyond this, not least Brendan Rodgers’ desire to seemingly cast himself as the David Brent of football. Why has Daniel Sturridge not started the last few matches after making such an impressive start to his Anfield career? Granted he’s hardly the marquee signing that the Liverpool of old would have gone in for, but when Stewart Downing is playing ahead of you it’s time to ask some serious questions. The big worry for Liverpool fans is looking at the clubs above them, it’s impossible to make a case for them finishing above any bar Everton next time around. A Gareth Bale less Spurs at a push, but even then AVB has a well-oiled ship and if they can actually buy a striker or two you have to think they’ll be stronger again come August. West Ham made Liverpool look very ordinary on Saturday… and because I’m not really prepared to give West Ham any credit unless it’s absolutely 100% necessary… it’s probably because without Suarez having one of his good days, Liverpool are… well, very, very ordinary.

2. Nobody would miss Stoke dropping into the Championship
Tony Pulis has been a loyal servant to Stoke City and he has been backed throughout by a fine board and a terrific set of fans; but right now he has six games left to save his Premier League career. The pressure is on managers more than ever to not just win, but win well. There is talk of Big Sam again being cast aside this summer despite guiding West Ham to mid table safety. A victim not of the results game but of the bore game. The Premier League is a cash rich industry and people want entertainment for their buck. With that in mind, it’s hard to see how any other Premier League club would take a punt on Pulis given they would know as a cast iron fact they were paying for anti-football that now does not even yield results. Pulis has tinkered with his favourite 4-4-2 formation this season and it’s been a disaster. His strikers are starved of service, his midfield lacking in width and creativity and his defence, which carried them until January, has finally started to creak. Stoke have won once in the last 14 league games. They have scored 1 goal in the last 5 and haven’t played any of the bigger clubs in that period. Their next game is against Manchester Utd before facing QPR, Norwich and Sunderland in what have suddenly all become “six pointers.”  They will probably have enough to survive, especially when you consider Sunderland are in an even worse position… but in truth, nobody will miss them if they go down.

3. White Hart Lane still usually delivers the drama
The weekend’s stand out game by a long, long way unfolded at White Hart Lane on Sunday as Everton and Spurs shared the points in a pulsating draw. Inexplicably placed third in the MOTD2 schedule, this was a game that deserved a show in its own right. With both sides shorn of several of their best players, I was not alone in thinking this game would be a drab affair with few chances. On the contrary, the absences seemed to galvanise the players on show and helped create an end to end match which featured 28 chances, 13 corners, some fantastic saves and four goals, two of which were of the highest quality. For Spurs, positives came from the continued form finally found by Gylfi Sigurdsson (perhaps he could pass on some advice to the woeful Clint Dempsey) and another imperious end to end display by Jan Vertonghen. Everton meanwhile are being boosted by the knowledge that even if one Belgium leaves in the Summer, they have an almost perfect replacement already there. If Mirallas can sort his hamstrings out, he could easily be the focal point to the Toffees attack next year. He can play in any of the front or wide positions and has now scored two simply brilliant individual goals in as many games. These teams both remain in the hunt for 4^th place and a draw probably suited neither when it comes to the crunch, but this was very much a result born out of positivity rather than negativity and it was a joy to watch. 

4. Saints hoist the English Strikers flag.
Much praise has been heaped upon Rickie Lambert’s shoulders this season and rightfully so. The Saints forward has been in impressive form, leading the line, scoring and creating goals and showing every red blooded Englishman up and down the land how to actually take a penalty. Of late though, he hasn’t quite being doing it all himself. After a slow start to his Southampton career, Jay Rodriquez suddenly looks like a real talent. The two of them have now scored 20 goals between them this season, creating 8 for each other and a further 8 for their teammates. Rodriquez had only played 90 minutes once this season until the arrival of Pochettino, but has done so six times since, finding the net in 4 of them. Alongside Lambert the two of them look a real handful and if time is against the older player, Rodriquez is just 23 and surely in with a shout of an England cap if he continues in this vein. Of course, that is on the proviso that entire first team, reserve and youth squads of Manchester Utd, Liverpool, Arsenal & Spurs spontaneously combust… but still.

5. City have let everyone down this season
As the dust settled on the Manchester Derby one thing was abundantly clear, Manchester Utd are not, by any stretch of the imagination, a team who should be 12 or 15 points ahead of their neighbours. Player for player City remain a vastly superior outfit, with Hart, Kompany, Zabaleta, Toure, Silva & Aguero all walking into the Utd team, let alone squad. Ferguson’s men could not get near a City team who, for the vast majority of the match, played as if they were the team leading a procession to the finish line. The superb Phil Jones aside, no Utd player could be pleased with their performance and that has been the case for many of them all season long. The reason why Utd will win the title and not City isn’t because they have a better team or squad. It’s because they have a manager who knows how to motivate his players for games like Reading and Stoke away. City have thrown away points too often in games where they have lacked the mentality to realise that three points is three points, no matter who it is against. They were terrible against Sunderland, dreadful against Southampton and saw their title chances all but vanish when they drew with an Everton team reduced to ten men. Despite the strange decision by the board to weaken rather than strengthen their squad in the summer, Mancini has been hugely culpable in their failure to defend their crown. He has rotated his defence at random, fallen out with almost his entire squad and has not been tactically intelligent enough to chase games when the “Edin Dzeko Plan B” has failed. He is likely to be given another crack of the whip next year, especially with Pep off the scene and Jose unlikely to risk his lengthy courtship for the Utd job. If City play like they did tonight for even half their 38 games next time around, it will be them as the team that everyone else has to chase and not a Utd team still reliant on the craft, guile and legs of a 39 year old Welshman.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Week - Week 31

1. Sometimes the perfect fit makes an imperfect marriage.
Approaching his 60^th birthday and the latter years of his managerial career, Martin O’Neill’s move to the club he had supported since he was a boy looked like a perfect relationship. Sunderland were stagnating under Steve Bruce and seemed hell bent on spending large amounts of cash on a conveyer belt of average players who didn’t improve their team. After a strong first few games, O’Neill’s record with the Black Cats is little short of woeful. In the last 38 league matches Sunderland have collected 35 points and scored 36 goals. Only QPR have a worse record over that period and O’Neill’s departure this weekend, whilst strangely timed, was fully justified based solely upon results. O’Neill has seemed strained of late, lacking his usual spark and good humour and whilst you could argue anyone would be when they were winning as rarely as he was, there is an argument that this job was too close to home for the Ulsterman. He has paid for his stubbornness, refusing to change a losing team and sticking steadfast to tactics that patently haven’t been working. He has paid for a lack of creativity, playing square pegs in round holes and refusing to build a team around the more talented individuals. He has paid for poor signings, spending large amounts of cash on... yep, average players. Fletcher and Johnson looked good signings on paper, but the former has been isolated and patchy and the latter disastrous. Johnson is young and has time on his side, but right now he is looking more like David Bentley by the match. Ultimately O’Neill has paid for not winning enough football matches. One of the most likeable and talented managers of the past 20 years has excited stage left without so much of a whimper. Despite treating the concept of rotation as if it’s a lamentable Tory benefits policy, O’Neill had a lot to offer football. I for one would have loved to see him manage a country. For now, given his intelligent and insightful punditry before, we can only hope the BBC snap him up to replace Alan Shearer at the earliest convenience.

2. Fasten your seatbelts for the race for um… three spots.
With seven games left of the season one would probably have hoped for more than just the race for 3^rd/4^th and a single relegation spot to fight over. But still, you take what you’re given in this world so let’s take a moment to racquet up the tension TO THE MAX. Baring a seismic event the league table will finish with Manchester Utd 1^st, Manchester City 2^nd, QPR 19^th and Reading 20^th. That leaves 3^rd, 4^th and the ominous NEVER BEEN MORE FATEFUL 18^th up for grabs. So let’s look at that contenders…

3. The Champions League contenders…
On a new point? Um yes, I’m sleep deprived so am rushing through this a bit in an effort to go to bed. Don’t worry, it will still be worth reading. Honest. THE CONTENDERS ARE… Just six points separate Everton, Arsenal, Spurs and Chelsea, with the former two meeting each other in a couple of weeks in what will be a crucial game in hand. Spurs want shooting if they don’t claim one of the spots whilst Everton deserve something for a superb season that has come undone at crucial times. Chelsea and Arsenal have the experience in doing this and my head says both may well sneak in. My heart clearly wants neither to, although I couldn’t choose between the two. Torn between a hatred for Chelsea that goes deeper than a mid-Atlantic drilling rig and the fact that I’ve been saying Arsenal won’t get 4^th and Wenger has to leave… all… season… long. WHO WINS. YOU DECID… no wait that’s something else. Um. Oh yeah, here’s something, AVB still playing Adeboyer over Defoe, or a 14 year old boy, or a Harry Redknapp’s Nan. What’s all that about? Fast becoming one of football’s great mercenaries, you have to admire Adeboyer’s complete refusal to even try once he’s cashed in his contract with his new club. 

4. The relegation contenders…
Southampton, Stoke, Norwich, Newcastle, Sunderland, Wigan, Aston Villa. Seven clubs, four points. SIX SHALL STAND, ONE SHALL FALL! Having tipped Villa for relegation for some time, I’m not going to change that view now, but by Christ Sunderland are really pushing it. Having sacked their manager with seven games left they have a run in that can politely be described as “brutal” and a group of players who genuinely have no idea how to put the ball into the net from open play. Wigan are far from safe, despite their usual resurgence around this time. They have a certain Rodimus Prime quality that I’m not sure can be ignored though, so I think they’ll be ok. Saints now look like they’ve done enough, certainly with the way they’re playing and it’s hard to see Newcastle falling any further downwards. But Stoke or Norwich? Having scored around 3 goals between them all season it’s as if Chris Hughton is on some sort of huge bonus to try and become the most boring team in the division. And given that’s a division with Stoke, Sunderland and West Ham in it… my god that hasn’t been pretty to watch. The last few weeks will see a huge number of squeaky bums up and down the country. Personally I’m just hoping it goes down to the wire. A quick glance at the fixtures sees a last day containing the fixture Wigan v Aston Villa. Now that could be worth watching…

5. Has there ever been a more frustrating player than Nani?
Signed for over £20m some six years ago, it’s hard to believe that Nani has now played for Man Utd well over 200 times. Scoring 40 goals and creating twice as many again, in many ways he has been an integral squad player who has contributed match winning performances on several occasions. The trouble with Nani, is that when he is bad, he is really, really fucking bad. And he is bad… a lot. Without analysing the data, I would wager that for at least 100 of his 213 games for Utd, Nani has been the worst player on the pitch. This was the case today when it was clear within 5 minutes that he was going to have a complete shocker. Ferguson showed either absurd faith or total stupidity by not taking him off for 60 minutes, but until that point he had a pass completion rate that my six aside team, having a collective shocker, would be embarrassed by. Nani is the football equivalent of a drunk wife beater who’s really nice on Sundays. He will occasionally produce a moment of outrageous brilliance that makes you think… hmmm… maybe… but then two games later will be back to taking 17 corners in a row without ever beating the first man. It’s been a strange season for Utd, having romped to the title but limped out of all the cups in various incidents of foot shooting. Whatever the close season promises, surely, surely (honestly, I’m begging) it will include the transfer of Luis Carlos Almeida de Cunha (that’s right, Nani’s not even his real name) to another club. Ideally Arsenal. You know, for a laugh.

Point three really doesn't make any sense looking back. Fuck it. I'm off to bed.