Five Things We Learnt from the Premier League this Weekend

Leicester just keep giving
On a marvelous Sunday afternoon of attacking, physical football - Leicester and West Ham shared the spoils in a match laced with drama and incident. At times it’s hard not to believe that there is something divine helping Leicester to this title, be it lady luck, god, the ghost of Richard III or an extremely powerful drug that is about to wear off. They should have been behind after two minutes as the King Power Stadium fell in to a near deathly, slow motion silence after a header hit both posts before trickling into the keeper’s arms. They then took the lead through the man of the moment Jamie Vardy, a ruthless finish following typically excellent build up work from Mahrez and Kante. But the game turned in the second half when the Yorkshireman was sent packing for what was, let’s be frank, an appalling dive. Having already been booked one wonders what was going through his head as he contrived to win his 74th penalty of the season. Vardy has always tread a thin line between brilliance and provocative but he deserved to be sent off here and his team will hope his decision to call the ref a “fucking cunt” to his face upon leaving won’t face further repercussions. West Ham piled on the pressure and scored two quick goals to claim the inevitable 3 points. Except this is Leicester, and they just don’t lose football matches (except to Arsenal). 94 minutes had all but elapsed when the referee did point to the spot and award the Foxes a last gasp chance to share the spoils. If it was a soft decision, there had been a stone wall appeal turned down five minutes before and a draw was a fair result overall. 3rd choice striker and penalty taker, Leonardo Ulloa slammed in the spot kick and the Foxes pulled further away from Spurs before they play Stoke tomorrow night. Was this 2 points lost or 1 gained? Give the situation and the late drama of the winner, it felt like the second. Only momentum will slow this team down, and as they head to a home match with mid table Swansea, it felt like it was still only going one way.

It’s time to take the Arsene out of Arsenal
It’s hard to think of a more Arsenal performance than this. Dear fucking god how was this game a 1 all draw? Arsenal passed and probed and created chance after chance after chance and couldn’t add to Alexis Sanchez’ first half header. It was almost inevitable that Palace were going to score. It wasn’t even a good goal. A speculative try from distance that squirmed under the keeper. Still Arsenal had chances. Still they couldn’t score. Sanchez had eleven attempts and hit the target once. I mean, I know being captained by me at fantasy football must feel like having a ball and chain tied around your leg but come on. Even Giroud couldn’t score!? Oh no wait, that’s not a genuine point. Let’s move on.

Nothing at Old Trafford will be missed
The worst team in the league this season were beaten by the worst attacking Manchester United team in history. 1 nil, from about four shots, in a game so spectacularly uninspiring I would have rather listened to Jeremy Hunt defend the Junior Doctor contract by saying the same line over... and over... and over... and over again than endure it for another 90 minutes. There were just three positives from that match. One, Villa won’t be in the Premier League for a long, long time. Two, United fans surely, surely, surely won’t have to endure Louis Van Gaal for more than 6 or 7 more matches. Three, Marcus Rashford - who is a real talent and deserves his chance to be playing regular football at a club at this level.

The North East just woke up
Look Newcastle and Sunderland, I’m not having you do this to me again. Letting me think all season you’re going to be relegated and then pulling it out of the back at the death. You see here’s the rub, this time at least one of you HAS to go down. You’re not catching Palace or Swansea, it’s two from three and even if you take poor, provincial Norwich with you one of you is still destined to be in the Championship and replaced by er... another team from the North East. Really? Oh for fu...

Seasons really do need to be judged after the last ball is kicked
Of the four FA Cup finalist, only Watford can probably be proud of their season’s work. Thanks to an improbably double penalty save from Gomes, the Hornets lie in mid-table, safe from relegation and free to enjoy the party for another year. Everton have frustrated their fans with defensive lapses, United have bored them with attacking ineptitude and Palace started well before going on an Alan Pardew trademarked twenty game run of filth. But if any of those three teams win the FA Cup will managers be forgiven? Palace are surely now safe and were never going to get in to the top six. So winning the FA Cup will surely be a hugely successful season. Likewise Everton. Yes they have a squad capable of  a top six push but not a top four one. As a fan I’d prefer a Wembley final victory than another 6th place finish and a draining Europa campaign. And United? Well no. Given who’s left a club of their supposed stature (you know, bigger than Spurs Louis) should probably be winning it and not drifting around the edges of the top four all season. But it would at least give the fans a moment to smile again and believe in the future.

Basically there is a lot of football still to played people. Over to you Spurs...

Team of the Weak

Courtois - Has escaped criticism this year but has been utterly garbage. Was on a par with David De Gea two years ago. Now on a par with Rob Green.
Antonio - A fine player, but not a right back, and I’m not sure why his manager seems to think he now is.
Ivanovic - Graeme Souness picked him as his first defender in the team of the season. What. A. Plonker.
Olsson - Battered at home to your relegation rivals. Never good.
Lescott - It’s okay now mate, all that weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Montero - Do you remember him? He was AMAZING. For the first four games of the season.
Gibson - I feel that Darron Gibson always gets forgotten about when we talk about injury prone football players. He’s also banned from driving for hitting a cyclist when pissed. So he’s probably a prick.
Depay - Take a look at Mahrez Memphis. Take a look at Rashford. Take a fucking look at yourself.
Milner - Brought in to my fantasy football team. Didn’t play. That’s just not cool James. Not cool at all.
Sanchez - I’m sorry Alexis, but you can’t miss that many chances and not get in here. I mean, you stood on a ball from six yards, missed an open goal with a header and scuffed one wide from ten yards when unmarked. I’m pretty sure the one you scored came off your shoulder as well...
Rooney - Captaining an England team for no reason this summer.

What you may have missed
Steve Davis retiring from the snooker. The greatest gentleman to ever pick up a cue.

That is all.

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Seven questions that still need answering this season.

Can anybody stop Leicester City?
Or the more pertinent question perhaps being, can anybody score past Leicester City? Four, 1-0 wins on the spin and five out of the last six have opened up a seven point lead on Spurs with just six games left in the locker. Is this really all over now? Can anybody breach this implausible rear guard? Does it matter who you play in defence if you have N’Golo Kante covering every blade of grass on the pitch positioned in front of you? Sunderland are up next, a team who struggle to score at the best of times. Even in a season as unpredictable as this, it’s hard to see beyond another clean sheet, another three points and the Foxes having one paw on the title.

Who is the player of the year?
There are only three contenders. For all the magical assists of Mesut Ozil and striking power of Harry Kane, the award has to go to a Leicester player and Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez and N’Golo Kante would all be worthy recipients. These three have lit up the league with their power and skill, but the key word that unites all of them is energy. Kante is like Makelele on speed, Vardy is the hardest working striker in the league and Mahrez is that rare creature; a skilful, showboating genius who also possesses work rate and ethic. If anybody but these three wins the top gongs, they should hand it back in shame.

Who will get fourth?
Just one point separates the two Manchester Clubs with West Ham a further two behind. United rarely score, but rarely concede; City blow hot and cold like a bust gasket and West Ham continue to undermine their often poetic attacking play with careless lapses at the back. It’s hard to know who the neutrals would want to get 4^th. West Ham would probably be the common consensus, but the self-entitlement of their fans would likely mean they’d expect their club to finish their season after season if they did so. United and Chelsea finishing outside of the top four would probably have been many fans wishes that were never likely to come true last August; but both are probably now trumped by the potential comedy of City hiring Pep Guardiola to fulfil their Champions League dreams… and then not even qualify for it.

Who will join Villa in the Championship?
Oh Villa – what an absolute shower of shit you really are. Villa have now lost seven games on the spin and haven’t even scored in the last four. In fact, they’ve only scored 22 times all season. Which really is pathetic. That’s what Harry Kane has scored on his own. And he didn’t even start playing until October… But anyway, beyond their wretched, putrid filth, it’s looking increasingly more likely that only something special will stop the two North East club tumbling in to the abyss with them. Palace and Norwich remain in ropey form but both seem to possess a greater sense of togetherness that may just be enough to get them over the line. In a season of oddities, Rafa Benitez ending up at Newcastle as they descend in to the Championship is right up there. He will need quite a few “ghost goals” to get out of this mess.

Who will win the Golden Boot?
Whilst Harry Kane is the obvious candidate here, currently leading Jamie Vardy by three goals; it should be noted that four back stands Romelu Lukaku… who actually has three games in hand on young Kane. Plus you know, Aguero might score five in a match again just for fun.

Will Roy Hodgson pick the right England squad/team for this summer?
Here’s a tip Roy. No to starting Wayne Rooney over Kane or Vardy. And no taking Theo Walcott. And certainly no to taking Jack Wilshire. I don’t care how good he looked against Barcelona when he was 11; he hasn’t played all year and Drinkwater, Ali and Dier all deserve to be ahead of him.

Will anybody in the league be a worse signing ever, than Radamel Falcao?
It doesn’t matter that he was free. What matters is that Chelsea opted to bring on board an injured ravaged striker who’s best years were so far behind him you’d need a telescope to pick them out. And pay him £130,000 a week tax free. Falcao has scored five goals in forty matches since arriving in the Premier League. Whilst better than most strikers at Norwich, it is not a return which screams give him another season, as his agent is comically and tragically now requesting. He is currently the 75^th choice striker for Chelsea. Who have chosen to play their entire youth team and even inexplicably sign, nurse back to health and then play another injury prone striker ahead of him as well. 

Memphis Depay, come on lad, you can do this. Don't let Chelsea win even one thing this season...

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