ROBERTO (4.4 WHU) – Arguably the worst keeper ever to play
in the Premier League, it is genuinely baffling how Roberto has got to the stage
he has. I’ve seen keepers low on confidence, I’ve seen keepers who keep making
errors… but Roberto can’t even do the basics. Positioning wise he’s awful; he
flaps at crosses, can’t kick it out with any accuracy and fundamentally, can’t
actually save any shot that isn’t straight at him. Pellegrini rocks up to free scoring Chelsea
next and has a simple decision to make. It’s either Roberto’s job or his own. The
worry for the Argentine, is that it may already be too late…
LUIZ (5.8 ARS) – An absolute cluster fuck of a performance. A
genuine horror show. And not a good horror show… like a shit spin off of a shit
sequel of a shit horror show to begin with. Fucking hell… David Luiz basically spent
the whole match in Nilbog*.
At fault for the first goal, Luiz then just gave up as the game
went on. Like a slowly deflating balloon filled with toxic gas. Everything he
touched turned to poison. Southampton ended the game with 21 shots away from
home against a supposed top six team.
Arsenal play Norwich next… who have the next worst defence
in the league. Get the popcorn.
MARIAPPA (4.2 WAT) – Playing at home to Burnley, the worst
away attack in the league, Mariappa posted zero tackles, zero blocks, zero
interceptions and lost 3-0. He has featured in 4 matches so far this season and
has a net FPL score of a single point. What the fuck man? Get a new job!
JONES (4.8 MUN) – A 45-minute circus performance from a
clown who specialises in parties exclusively for Scousers. Phil Jones often
gets a lot of stick… and that’s mainly because he’s absolutely shite. He lasted
a single half here before he was put out his misery and likely his United
career. Now has the greatest YouTube highlights video in world football.
ALEXANDER-ARNOLD (7.1 LIV) – If you want to get at
Liverpool, you put pressure on their fullbacks high up the pitch. This isn’t
rocket science, but Hodgson and Palace were brutally unlucky to come away with
no points after they executed their game plan to perfection. They missed two
guilt edge chances, had a perfectly good goal robbed from them and the
mercurial Zaha was a problem for TAA all match. The young right back posted
guttural stats here and was badly out of sorts. His pass distribution a
hopeless 68% and defensively he failed with 50% of all his tackle, blocks and
headers. Yes he remains a creative tour de force in the final third when he’s
on song… but defensively he still has to improve if he wants to be the next… er…
Gary Neville? George Cohen?
Fuck me we really haven’t had a lot of great right backs in
this country…
SCHNEIDERLIN (4.4 EVE) – Few players highlight the malaise
at Everton more than Morgan Schneiderlin. The midfielder doesn’t do anything especially
wrong… but is incapable of doing anything especially right either. Arsenal, Utd
and Spurs have been a car crash in slow motion at times this season… West Ham
are doing it in real time. Everton meanwhile aren’t even interesting enough to
be comically shit. Instead they are being crushed under the weight of
relentless mediocrity. Silva is the walking wounded but his departure is highly
unlikely to fix the problems that run deep in a football club who used to tread
water, and is now just drowning in it.
DOUCOURE (5.7 WAT) – Key to Watford’s success last season,
Watford are struggling when Capoue and Doucoure don’t dominate games like they
used to. The Frenchman has seen his defensive numbers drop across the board. He
is succeeding with less tackles, winning less headers and making far less
clearances. He has also lost his shooting boots. He’s actually firing off a
shot every 50 minutes still, but his accuracy is a pathetic 17% and his goal
conversion 4.3%. Watford need him to step up, or they are going down.
DJENEPO (5.2 SOU) – Djenepo may have only played for 14 minutes
on Saturday, but in that time he somehow managed to miss two whites of the eyes
chances that would have won Saints the game; and fail to roll the ball to
visibly unmarked team mates twice more.
For all their defensive fragilities, If Southampton could
shoot it would be a very different story. Only Watford & Everton have a
worse conversion rate. For shots away from home, only the current top four and
Manchester United can match them. They need to start putting away these chances…
or… well… not everyone can go down I suppose.
Man there are so many shit teams right now.
PEREIRA/FRED (5.0 - 5.3 MUN) – A midfield that would get
relegated from the Championship, Fred and Pereira are terrible football players
who were given a lesson in how to pass and move by a 4m FPL defender and a
journeyman who had never played in the top flight until two months ago. Whereas
Sheffield United are a well-oiled machine managed by a manager who understands
tactics and the importance of the collective over the individual, Manchester
United are a wounded animal with the local farmer’s lad trying to ride it
bareback.
These two purposeless animals managed to collectively win
just a third of their aerial duels and less than half of their tackles. They blocked
no shots, they had no shots of their own, they created no chances at any point of
the match. They were bollocks.
WILSON (7.7 BOU) & HALLER (7.2 WHU) – A strike force so
out of touch they could be called Hancock & Raab. In the last 11 matches
combined they have had 20 shots for zero goals at an accuracy of barely 25%.
Haller is at least getting some chances on target; Wilson looks like he has
lost the ability to shoot all together. Does any striker in the league go
through such ridiculous runs of feast or famine as the Bournemouth number 13?
The most damning thing you can say about these two right now
is the players they have kept out of the Team of the Weak. Martial? A man whose
reaction to a tough away fixture is hibernation. Aubameyang? A sham of a
captain who is wandering around with a bored look in his eye. Maupay? A man who
adopts a if I shoot literally every time I get the ball some of them will go in
eventually policy? Andre Gray? Two goals all season. Jordan Ayew? A man who is…
Jordan Ayew.
Shape up lads.
HM
*if anyone gets this reference I will donate £10 to a
charity of their choice
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