5 Things we've learnt from the 19/20 season so far – in an alternate Universe

Liverpool stare relegation in the face

After the dizzy heights of last season, it was to prove yet another false dawn for the luckless Scousers, who spend Christmas Day entrenched in the relegation zone having won just 2 matches all season, both against Everton. Saido Mane has now extended his goal drought to 15 games after the selfless Mo Salah picked him out again and again during last nights heavy defeat by Leicester.

At the back, Virgil Van Dijk was recently rated above Phil Jones and Jack Stephens as the league’s worst central defender. Whilst Lovren has done his best amongst the shit alongside him, the same can’t be said for Liverpool’s meek full backs. Klopp has steadfastly refused to drop Andrew Robertson, despite a county wide poll demanding the recall of Alberto Moreno to the club. The Scotsman has looked lost on the pitch, barely breaking into a jog most matches and at one point refusing an overlapping run to campaign for independence instead. On the other side Trent Alexander Arnold has now put in 234 unsuccessful crosses in a row. He is without an assist in 4 months.

Klopp has not been seen smiling since last Easter and has vowed his team’s form will shift “the second this fucking weather does.”

McGoldrick blasts in 20^th goal already

David McGoldrick scored his third hat trick of the campaign against Watford and propelled himself to the top of the Premier League scorers table in the process. The prolific Bladesman has carried his team this season, which is just as well owing to their disorganised defence. John Lundstram continues to play as a deep lying centre back in a role clearly unsuitable for him. He has been part of a backline that has shipped 40 goals already. He sits in 0.01% of FPL teams.

McGoldrick credits his recent form to copying the playing style of Ashley Barnes, who sits second in the top scorers table. “Me and Barnsey are two peas in the same pod really… we’ve always managed to run around like mentalists and rough up the opposition, but now we’ve added the actual ability to shoot to our impressive armouries.”

McGoldrick ended by expressing his disappointment that despite his recent exploits, he was yet to have his own train.

Xhaka leads Arsenal to summit

Top of the table and unbeaten so far, the decision to employ Granit Xhaka as player manager in the summer has been hailed as a “masterstroke” by Arsenal fans around the world. The Swiss midfielder has taken on more roles than an army knife, but has succeeded in them all. Xhaka was superb this weekend, and instrumental in beating Bournemouth, the league’s most inconsistent team (some things will never change). He set up the first for the returning Emmanuel Eboue, before lashing in the second with a 40-yard free kick that would have made Roberto Carlos blush.

Xhaka was quick to praise himself after the match in his usual style – “people like to talk about the team, and yeah, they’re doing okay… but I prefer to talk about myself. 15 assists and 10 goals this season don’t happen by accident. I’m leading from the front and my relationship with the fans has never been better. They love me here. Almost as much as I love myself.”

Meanwhile, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang finally scored his first goal of the season whilst on loan at Tranmere Rovers.

Hammers hammer Palace thanks to strength at both ends

In one of the most open matches of the season, West Ham and Palace went toe to toe on Boxing Day but only one side came out blowing bubbles. The scoreline of 4-0 told nothing of the real story, as both teams had 25 shots on goal. West Ham, with the fully fit Lanzini pulling the strings, helped themselves to goal pie as the tireless Anderson and Yarmolenko both bagged braces. 

At the other end though, it was once again thanks to the signing of the season, Roberto Jimenez, to save his team again and again. Breaking the league record with 15 saves in a single match, Roberto has now not been beaten in a month. His manager Pellegrini said “when the owners came to me and said look Manny, we’ve got this guy who is ripping up the soft core porn scene and we wanna give him a shot at the club… I’ll be honest I had my doubts… I mean sure he might well have the best hands in the business when it comes to fluffing cock, but is he gonna be able to keep out balls of a different size coming at him from all angles.”

The Chilean added that he was delighted to have been proven wrong… and that before most games the pre-match warm ups had now been replaced with group watching of Roberto’s blue movie highlights. 

Sherwood return sets up second half of the season for the ages

Almost as unexpected as “Granit’s Arsenal” has been the success of Tottenham Hotspur since controversially moving to reappoint Tim “Tactics” Sherwood. After sacking Pochettino after 5 successive losses, all of which featured Heung-Min Son being sent off and reinstated upon appeal, Daniel Levy shocked the footballing world by moving again for Sherwood. In a bizarre statement Levy said that he had “finally realised, that every single success this club has had, came from the foundations that Tim laid.” Glossing over a near 12 year wait for a trophy, Levy added that “Tim is the boy… the absolute fucking boy… and he’s going to show it.”

Since taken over Spurs have been beaten just once, when they were outclassed by the random results generator that is Manchester “Ole’s at the fucking wheel” United. Sherwood has guided them to second and has brought the best out of Moussa Sissoko; who has responded well to Tim’s idea that “he needs to get in the fucking box more” by reinventing himself as a number 9 and poaching 15 goals so far.

Harry Kane continues to marshal the defence as captain and gilet sales have increased 450% year on year. 

Happy New Year

HM