Pope (4.6 BUR) – Burnley were blown away by Chelsea and
are in serious trouble. Thus far they have managed to grind out wins every time
a full-blown crisis has reared its head. But they are now 3 points above the
relegation zone and play Leicester, Manchester United and Arsenal next. Nick Pope
is a fine keeper, but he should have done better with two of the Chelsea goals,
one of which literally just went through him. Burnley need to remember their
fighting spirit, and for the love of God get Ashley Barnes back on the pitch and
scoring goals again.
Cook (5.0 BOU) – Allegedly the central defender and captain
of a Premier League team, Steve Cook couldn’t marshal his way out of the fucking
Kokiri Forest let alone find the Ocarina of Time. Bournemouth are currently
summing up the general malaise of teams at the bottom of the table. They can’t
defend, they can’t attack. They are just kind of… there. Like a
colourless vapour with no meaning.
Konsa & Mings (4.3/4.5 AVL) – Being torn apart by
Manchester City is a rite of passage for many a Premier League defence; but
this was an especially poor showing from the Villa centre backs. Collectively
they didn’t win a single tackle or header in 90 minutes. Which whether you’re
playing Manchester City, Accrington Stanley or the 1970 Brazil team… is still pathetic.
Zimmerman (4.4 NOR) – Marooned at the bottom of the
table and now having conceded 45 goals already, Norwich are heading back to the
Championship quicker than Delia can rustle up a Victoria Sponge. Toothless
without Pukki, their defence has failed to support them all season. Manchester “Ole’s
at the Wheel” United have scored 20% of all their league goals against Norwich.
Have some self-respect lads.
Perez (6.1 LEI) – Soundly beaten at home by
Southampton (the score line flattered Leicester) – Perez acutely summed up the difference
between the last time these two met. Shimmering with menace a couple of months
ago, the Spaniard highlighted once again what a deeply frustrating football
player he is. Possessing a level of inconsistency rarely seen out of an Arsenal
shirt, Perez managed to complete a barely credible 10 out of 16 attempted
passes and created literally fuck all before being dragged from the football pitch
like a child escorted home by his mother after falling in a muddy puddle.
Perez has scored 3 goals in one game this season. And 2 in
his other 19…
Eriksen (8.6 TOT) – What a sad end this is to Eriksen’s
Spurs career. Still there, playing out his resignation in front of thousands. The
Dane was anonymous against Liverpool, a passenger without a ticket who wandered
around with all the menace of a decaffeinated instant coffee.
Goodbye Christian, so long and thanks for all the fish.
Trossard (5.8 BHA) – It’s been an uneven debut season
in the Premier League for Leandro Trossard, who has looked like a world beater
one minute and Theo Walcott the next. After finally getting a 90-minute run in
the team for the rotation happy Potter, the Belgian has done precisely nothing
with that time other than cut inside and shoot on sight like some sort of
blonde Nathan Redmond.
Brighton love to shoot. They have fired off 277 efforts on
goal already, but a conversion rate of just 9% is terrible. Maupay and Trossard
are two of the team’s worst offenders and both are talented enough to score
with more regularity than once in ten.
Ozil (7.2 ARS) – In classic Ozil style, the German
followed up a superb performance playing against Manchester United, with this
stale fart of a display against Crystal Palace. Everything about Ozil screamed
nothing in this match. No touches in the box, no shots on goal, no dribbles even
attempted, no crosses, no chances created. His heat map looked like a teenager
who has just got his first zit.
Jimenez (7.5 WOL) – The Mexican Metronome ™ has been
in fine form this season, but this was not one of his best displays. He often
stumbled leading the line and should have scored with a chance put on a plate
with a full set of cutlery and a glass of wine from Adama Traore.
Wolves have stumbled a bit after a fine run and are starting
to look a little leggy. Although only a fool would write them off before a
fixture turn given their near farcical record against the bigger teams.
Next up, a match against the most in form side across all
four divisions bar Liverpool.
That’s right folks, Danny Ings and ten amateur footballers really
are playing that well.
Solanke (5.2 BOU) – Oh Dominic. What a useless striker
you are. You haven’t scored in 2 years. Two Years. What are you doing with your
life? You have stats that make Shane Long and Christian Benteke look good.
Saido Berahino is a better striker than you are. You have
played over 40 times and had over 50 shots in this period. Do you know where
the goal is? Are you aware that you are paid over a million pounds a year
specifically to score goals?
What even are you?
Other than fucking shit.
HM
