Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Three

Begovic (4.5 BOU) – Largely this wasn’t the worst weekend for keepers, despite some high scores rolling in. Begovic was called upon rarely in his home match with Everton, but failed to save his team on 2 of the 3 occasions the opposition hit the target. A keeper who has never quite kicked on since he used to sit mid table for Stoke and my Cat’s Fantasy Football League, you still feel Bournemouth need someone that notch above if they’re going to move from… well… 12th to 8th.

Mee & Tarkowski (5.0 BUR, 5.0 BUR) – Unlike Garth Crooks, I can look beyond when centre backs score to see that they’ve had a poor game. Burnley have conceded 7 goals in 2 games, shipping some 35 chances in those 2 matches. Indeed, Joe Hart made 8 saves in this match alone and must have felt like he’d never left West Ham such was the siege upon his goal. Mee & Tark were two of the best centre backs in the league last season, but look anything but so far in this. Europa League or not, Burnley need to get back to basics and find their shape again, pronto.

Diop (4.4 WHU) – A 22m signing in the summer, Issa Diop started a Premier League game for the first time on Saturday and probably wants to expunge it from his memory as fast as humanly possible. He was torn apart by Arsenal’s pace coming forward, gave up 17 shots, scored an own goal and got booked. He’ll play better than this for sure. West Ham fans must hope he can’t play any worse…

Hoedt (4.5 SOU) – It’s been a dreadful start to the season at the back for Southampton, who collapse like a moist cake at the first sign of an opposition attack. Central to these failures has been Wesley Hoedt. Failing to master the simple art of standing on his feet, he resembles a kid on FIFA who only knows how to tackle with the slide button*. Saints look in real trouble with Mark Hughes showing no signs of a man who can get them out of it. Games against Palace, Brighton and Wolves loom in the next four and if they can’t win any of those… you fear for them.

(Gag & TOW entry courtesy of @lucyhighnett – a long term sufferer of having to watch Southampton play footballer these past few years)

Sane (9.4 MCI) – Yet to start a match this season, Sane came on the final 20 minutes and proceeded to give the ball away with the regularity of fabricated Jeremy Corbyn news stories. Consistently referred to as the singular reason why Germany didn’t do better in the World Cup by our blinkered media, Sane has in fact shown the very reason why he wasn’t picked so far. A pass completion rate of just over 70% this season is average at best, but playing for City it’s like turning up to a Black Tie event in a tracksuit. One jinking run reminded everyone what he has in his locker, but he’ll have to do a lot more than this to get back in the team. Right now Mendy is doing his job better… and with the added bonus of actually defending (or at least trying to) as well.

Richarlison (6.7 EVE) – A moment of youthful stupidity likely cost Everton 3 points and gained himself a 3 match ban in the process. Richarlison has been in fine fettle so far this season and will be missed by a free flowing Everton team for which he has added flair and skill in abundance. Like a reversed football Brexit, he was transferred into…and then out of… more fantasy football teams than any player in history within the space of 48 hours (Citation – there is no evidence to back up this claim, much like the Leave Campaign). That people are actually considering Theo Walcott as the best replacement for their teams, a player with an xG lower than that of Aymeric Laporte, shows once again that the British public are as predictable as lemmings on a cliff edge.

Townsend (6.0 CRY) – Andros Townsend isn’t a bad player, but he’s not a great one either. Palace, despite this latest set back, remain a team with upward momentum and have some quality players throughout their ranks. Townsend is now 27 and it’s hard to believe he once played for England. Indeed, he scored 3 goals for his country in a 13 cap career. But for Spurs, Newcastle, Palace and the 250 teams he’s appeared for on loan, he has never quite showed the potential that… well… he himself assumed he had. His Premier League stats show 14 career goals in over 10,000 minutes of football. That’s a goal every 720 minutes. One every 8 games. For a player with his ability to strike a ball that’s a desperate record. Even accounting for assists, a goal involvement of just under 300 minutes is worse than most similar attacking players in the league. Gudmundson, who has played for Burnley for 3 years, is every 250 minutes. Lingard, who played as a sub for 3 years, is every 211 minutes. Lamela, who was been injured for 3 years, is every 195 minutes. Theo Walcott, who has been shit for 13 years, is every 133 minutes.

Hold on. Theo Walcott is involved in a goal every 133 minutes? Over a 13 year Premier League career.

I’m sorry. What?

Stats are dead.

Mounie (6.0 HUD) – No goals so far this season for an ailing Huddersfield, it’s hard to see why a) Huddersfield didn’t add to their frontline strike force in the summer and b) how on earth Mounie is priced at 6m in the Fantasy game. In three starts he has mustered two successful take ons, just 11 touches in the box and a shot accuracy of just 16%. He has an Xg of 0.37 and 0.13 from open play. For the Terriers to survive this season you sense he needs to at least get to double figures. A tally that looks a long way off on this evidence.

Aubameyang (10.9 ARS) – The fact that Aubameyang compares 50/50 on stats to Mounie above, tells you everything you need to know about his dire start to the season. Far from uninvolved, Aubameyang has merely been incompetent. He has 8 attempts so far, 3 of which have been big chances and none of which have come close to bursting the net. He has won just 43% of his aerial battles and boasts a 65% pass completion rate in the final third. He looks so out of form he could be played in a movie by Morata.

Zohore (4.9 CAR) – At least Huddersfield have scored this season, Cardiff City have not managed that at all despite back to back shut outs. Zohore has led the line in the last matches to ill effect. Mustering 4 headers, all off target and has won just 23% of his aerial duels. He looks shocking. As do Cardiff, both in terms of creating good chances and finishing them off. It’s going to be a long, hard season in Wales.

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Two

Hamer (4.0 HUD) – I think it’s safe to say that coming up against a City side in full flow can be politely described as a baptism of fire. Hamer wasn’t bad against the Premier League Champions 2017-2020, but he made errors and ultimately conceded six goals.

Bailly & Lindelof (5.5 MUN, 5.0 MUN) – In truth, all of the Man United back line could have gone in here. Luke Shaw did try however, and Young vs Bong was made interesting for any fans of The Wire for what was essentially a D’Angelo v Marlo sub plot of incompetence. Mourinho tried all summer to sign a centre back to replace the two he had… er… already bought… and it was clear to see why here. Bailly played the match like a marionette with his strings severed and Lindelof… well… he’s just a bit shit really isn’t he. He’s almost gone past mockery already. Like the horse who tries but can’t get over the first fence. Just put the fucker down and move on.

Schindler (4.5 HUD) – The worst/most out of their depth of the Huddersfield defenders. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he probably already is after that lesson.

Mustafi (5.5 ARS) – A genuine sham of a defender, Mustafi was found out again and again by the seemingly baffling concept of players running at him. Arsenal could have Messi, Ronaldo and a 21 year old Pele up front and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference with that back four.

Ward (5.0 BUR) – Played 120 minutes on Thursday and a full 90 here and it showed. Was exposed much of the game and made to pay by a lively Will Hughes treating him like he wasn’t there. The Europa League is great if you have a squad of 25. Not 12.

Jota (6.4 WOL) – Looking like this season’s Darren Huckerby, Jota didn’t just look out of his depth against Everton, he looked genuinely scared. Wolves are a good footballing team, but they are not street smart and at this level they will get found out again and again playing this openly.

Kenedy (5.0 NEW) – One of those absolutely brilliant humdingers of a shit show. Kenedy should have been sent off, didn’t complete a pass until an hour had passed and then missed a penalty to win it at the death. Just awful.

Fred (6.0 MUN) – Looking every inch the 8^th choice midfielder for Brazil, one can only assume that Fred was under contractual obligation to play slightly worse than Pogba no matter the circumstances. The new signing showed a full range of poor control, passes out of touch, mistimed tackles and hopeless punts forward to nobody to last a lifetime, let alone one game. Did Jose sign this guy as well? Yes? Oh. As you were.

Wilshire (5.0 WHU) – Beaten at home by Bournemouth and outplayed by a midfield of Surman and Gosling. And you think you should have gone to the World Cup Jack? Off you fuck now. And to think Loftus Cheek can’t buy a game anywhere. Have a word Sir Gareth.

Aubameyang (11.0 ARS) – Two stone wall, Harry Redknapp’s wife, mother and dead nana would all have scored chances and an all round performance of utter excrement. This was a very odd performance generally from Arsenal in which they played completely terrible for 90% of the game and could have scored six goals.

Jackson (11.0 falling to fucking priceless MCI) – I missed the Man City game, so I assume Aguero was benched and did nothing? Right? Right...

Hold on. You fucking what mate?

Happy Hunting

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW One

Hamer (4.0m HUD) – given the nod by Wagner over last season’s first choice Jonas Lossl, Hamer did his chances of being the permanent keeper no help whatsoever with an indifferent display in a home hammering by Chelsea. Making just one save in the match, Hamer conceded three, looked indifferent to balls in the box and was made to look foolish by a penalty that near redefined casual by Jorginho.

Schlindler (4.5 HUD) – a second Terrier finds their way into the team for another display that combined a filling of clumsy with a gluten free wrap of ineptitude. Huddersfield look like relegation fodder this season and their assets look to be about as tempting as a cock flavoured lollipop.

Masuaku (4.5 WHU) – a curious player at the best of times, Masuaku is just about the last defender in the world I would want at left back when faced with Mo Salah. Liverpool away is a cruel opener for any new manager, but Pellegrini showed the tactical nous of Wenger chasing a lead the way he set his side up. An all-round shit show.

Bellerin (5.5 ARS) – always more comfortable going forward than backwards, Bellerin was given a lesson by a galvanised by not playing for England Raheem Sterling, and the imperious Bernando Silva. Indeed, he was so bad defensively that his opposite full back, Benjamin Mendy, decided to play most of the game as an auxiliary forward just to keep taking it past him. Awful stuff.

Maguire (5.5 LEI) – fresh from being the best defender in the world and somehow not moving to Manchester United for £250m, Maguire found himself up against his would be suitors in the league’s curtain raiser. He conceded two goals, didn’t score himself and didn’t ghost past five players bringing the ball out of the back like the melded together souls of Bobby Moore and Diego Maradona. He just had an average game and lost. Welcome back to the day job Harry.

Gross (7.0 BRI) – after a superb debut season and with a host of new, fleet footed signings around him, the stage was set for Pascal Gross to hit the ground running again and create chances with regularity. He had 26 touches in the entire match, just 9 of which were in the final third and only twice played a successful forward pass of merit. Rubbish.

Paterson (5.5 CAR) – it looks to be a long hard season for Cardiff and you sensed they needed to show some early mettle against a Bournemouth side who are about as brittle as an Annie Lennox cover. Paterson was a key man for them in the Championship, but he had an awful game here and was was hauled off just after the hour. Enough time however, for him to amass a single touch in the penalty area and a pass completion of 42%. Forty two percent? That’s a figure that would make Tiemoue Bakayoko blush.

Schurrle (6.0 FUL) – top players who come to newly promoted clubs tend to go one of two ways – they either become talismanic in their ability and inspiration, or they look here for the quick pay day, not up for the fight and drift away like toilet paper in the wind. It’s too early to say which way Schurrle will go… but he’s going to have to do a lot better than this to get anywhere close to the former.

Kane (12.5 TOT) – visibly not fit, fresh from having played precisely zero minutes of pre-season and straight from the birth of his child – Kane’s inclusion in the team, let alone playing 90 minutes almost seemed like a practical joke. Spurs still won, meaning that Poch and Harry had the last laugh… but another performance like this (4 touches in the box, 1 shot) is not likely to end the August drought for England’s number 9 anytime soon. Just give the lad a break. Please, anyone. Stop playing him until he’s ready for the love of all that is sacred.

Arnautovic (7.0 WHU) – almost nobody did less than Marko Arnautovic this weekend. Yes, playing up front for a team who basically hoisted a massive sign saying come and attack us away at Anfield is not ideal, but still, this was a wretched performance. 17 touches (seventeen??) – two unsuccessful dribbles, two (poor) shots and a mini sulk no wait I’m going to pretend I’ve got a knock as he was dragged off the pitch. It’s okay Marco, you’ve got the spin the wheel of random Bournemouth up next – you’ll be fine.

Morata (9.0 CHE) – Alvaro Morata is a rubbish striker. He can be good in the air given the right service, but Diego Costa he is not given Chelsea are always going to play with wingers (whether Hazard, Willian or Pedro) who cut in and penetrate rather than get to the by-line and whip it in. The problem for Chelsea is that they don’t seem to have anybody who can play that role in their squad. Giroud is even less mobile and Batman is now on loan at Valencia rather than fighting the Joker to play regularly for his club.

No wait they still have Tammy Abraham don’t they?

I’m sorry. As you were.

Happy Hunting

HM