Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Six

1. Nobody can kill football like Jozzze
It has been an ongoing question all season, at what stage would Mourinho throw his toys out of the pram and make his “happy one” comments seem even more ludicrous than they were initially? He has threatened to combust a few times but the real tipping point came last week when, following a defeat at home to Sunderland, Jose ripped into the officials and the media in a truly astonishing rant. To imply that you have been unlucky with decisions is one thing, but to outright state that you have been a victim of “engineered results” by the entire Referees Union? No Jose. You just can’t say that. Except of course, he actually can. Because the punishment for managers who spout such bile is about as much of a deterrent as FIFA’s racism stance. A fine and token touchline ban will no doubt follow, but what do managers have to do to get proper suspensions for calling the game into disrepute? Head-butt somebody? Anyway, I’m ranting about this largely to avoid talking about the match on Sunday, which saw Jose come, park and leave with three points that blew the title race about as open as a Savanna Plain. It will almost certainly now go to the last kick on the last day and whilst the momentum has swung back to City, I’d be shocked if there wasn’t at least a couple more twists in the tail yet. In fairness to Jose, nobody parks the bus quite like him. Other, lesser managers dream of the odd nil nil against the big boys. But Jose manages to sneak victories as well. Perhaps that’s because unlike Pulis, Allardyce et all, Jose has millions and millions of pounds to spend on buying the best defensive players in the world to entertain us all with. Poor Jose, if only he had a striker he wouldn’t have to play like this. Honest.

2. Giggs brings back the love
For much of the first half it looked as if the wave of euphoria following David Moyes’ sacking was about as misplaced as Utd’s passing. “You can’t just turn confidence on and off like a tap,” said Gary Neville as he watched Utd struggle to break down a Norwich team who will be playing in the Championship next season. But then, the luck that eluded dear David. A penalty, an early second half goal and from there Utd could have run out winning by six or seven. Confidence flowed back through the ranks as if a tap had been turned on (sorry Gary) as Utd countered and attacked with pace for the first time since the opening day of the season. Presumably when the players hadn’t quite worked out how bad Moyes was yet. There is still major work to do here, not least in defence where Evra remains mythically, mystically bad and every centre back seems to spend half the game falling over. But this was as good a start as Giggs could hope for. Van Gaal should follow, with Giggs waiting patiently behind for his chance a few years down the line. Next season will likely be more open than ever and there are no guarantees whatsoever that Utd will bounce back, but for now it was just good to see the stadium filled with people who were happy again. Both fans, manager and crucially, the players.

3. Where has Connor Wickham been?
Not playing for Sunderland is the short answer. After impressing at Ipswich, Wickham was signed by Sunderland in 2011 for a fee of £8m. No small amount for somebody who was 18 and only had 15 career goals. But the potential was there and with it came expectation. Wickham has barely played since his move; he scored just once in his debut season before being loaned to Leeds and (more successfully) Sheffield Wednesday. This was a player who clearly needed games, so it’s surprising that he’s averaged barely 20 appearances a season (including loans) prior to his recent run. It took far, far too long for Gus Poyet to abandon all faith in Dozy Altidore and recall Wickham for one, final throw of the dice. But thankfully for Black Cats everywhere, the dice has come up with a five. Five goals in three games that have turned Sunderland’s season on a head. They gathered an improbable 4 points from away matches with Manchester City and Chelsea, before crushing Cardiff in the crucial match this Sunday. They now sit in 17^th, with a game in hand home to West Brom. It is back in their own hands even if they lose at Old Trafford on Saturday. Wickham has been sensational during the revival, offering a focal point for the onrushing Johnson and Borini and converting his chances with confidence and aplomb. Still just 21, it looks as if his talent has finally come out to play.

4. Bony keeps Swans afloat
Four goals in two games from Wilfried Bony has steered Swansea to safety and left them free to dream about who their manager might be next season. Whoever that is, has the enviable task of trying to get Bony and Michu playing in such a way that strikes fear into the heart of opposition defences. Bony has got better and better as the season progresses and now has 16 goals to his name in his debut campaign. A fine effort for a team that have struggled and rich reward for his all round play. Bony is strong, powerful and quick and is actually a much closer fit to Drogba than Lukaku is mooted to be. He was superb again on Saturday, as Swansea brushed aside a pitiful Aston Villa to secure top flight status for another season. How Paul Lambert must wish for a finisher like this following the injury to Benteke. Villa still need just one win to stay in the division but are marooned on 35 points and are in total freefall. They play Hull this weekend in a match they simply have to win. With away trips to Manchester City and Spurs to follow, their entire season likely hinges on that result. So no pressure then.

5. The Premier League team of the season… was bobbins.
Suarez was a worthy winner of the PFA player of the season last night, as were the runner ups to his crown, Eden Hazard and Ya Ya Toure. But beyond those three and the wonderful Adam Lallana, it’s tempting to question every other name on the team of the season sheet. Ok so Seamus Coleman probably deserves to be on there as well, I’m just bitter about the own goal he scored this weekend for my fantasy football team. But the rest of the defence?

Let’s start in goal, where we have Petr Cech, for no possible reason I can fathom. Ok so he’s kept the most clean sheets (16) but he’s barely had to make a save all season and has not once won a match for his side in the way that other keepers have. Tim Howard has kept 14 clean sheets and made 26 more saves than Cech, and that’s before you get to Boruc, who has an absurd 50% clean sheet record; and David Marshall at Cardiff, who has made a ridiculous 145 saves for his terrible team, almost double that of Cech. Cahil has certainly had a strong season for Chelsea, but Kompany alongside him? The City captain has been injury prone again and got himself sent off at a crucial time. Per Mertesacker was the obvious choice, despite Arsenal’s woeful results against the bigger teams. At left back Shaw seems to have been given the nod because he’s young, handsome and English. He’s arguably been the weakest of Saints first choice back five this season and hasn’t been as good as Leighton Baines or the impossibly underrated Joel Ward.

Steven Gerrard’s PR agent presumably bought him a place in the team along with all the penalties his team have bought this season. His reinvention has been impressive but Sterling, Barry and Ramsey all deserved a nod ahead of him. All of which brings us to centre forward, where we have Danny Sturridge alongside the imperious Suarez. Sturridge? Over Altidore? Over Soldado? Over Anichebe? Over Van Wolfswinkel? Over Cornelius? Over… sorry, I think I’ve got confused.

(just type bobbins and back away)

BOBBINS.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

David Moyes doesn’t deserve our sympathy, he deserves our pity.

As the news broke on Monday evening, the inevitable finally came to pass. It didn’t matter if it had been after 6 months, or 10 months, or in 2 years. The parting of Moyes and Utd had been inevitable for just too long. This wasn’t a brutal assassination, this was a mercy killing. And yet, as the hours rumbled on there grew a curious thing. A group of people, almost all of them not Utd fans it had to be said, that claimed Moyes deserved our sympathy. That he had been handed a rough deal. That he should have had more time. That nobody could have done more with that squad.

Horseshit. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But consider this...

An Analogy

After 20 years of being a wonderful Head Teacher, Mr F announces his retirement from St Mary’s Secondary School. In his time there, he has taken a school to the top not just of his regional league tables, but every league table in the country. He has done this despite difficulties along the way. Notably recently, postcode politics have changed his intake makeup. He hasn’t been getting as many of the bright, middle class children from affluent backgrounds and has instead taken in some rough diamonds from poorer districts. But, bar the odd pupil, he has helped polish them all. He has assembled a fine set of teachers around him, the envy of almost every school in the land and whilst his methods were sometimes deemed old fashioned, his school got results.

Upon his retirement, Mr F used his unique reputation at the school to convince the Governors that a friend of his, Mr M, should be given the job. Mr M had done a solid job at a nearby school and shared many of the traits of Mr F. There were a few questions. Mr M’s school only had 400 pupils, Mr F’s over 1000. And whilst Mr M had won plaudits, he had never won awards for his schooling. The majority of teachers and parents did not seek out his establishment as a place to be educated. The doubters though, were silenced. Mr M took over at the start of the new school year and promised to carry on the great work done over the past decade.

Within his first day of the new job, Mr M sacked every single member of the teaching staff that Mr F had assembled. He brought in all the teachers from his old school, despite them not having any experience of the different districts curriculum, or of teaching larger class sizes. He promised that he would bring in a new Head of Science, but the person he wanted turned down the job, despite them offering him more money. It was an embarrassing incident for the school and more so when the job eventually went, at the last minute, to the candidate they initially rejected for the role early on. Still, the new term started and the pupils filed in to be taught by the new staff.

Within six months it was very clear that Mr M and his staff were out of their depth. Despite excellent work modernizing the IT department with state of the art i-pads, the rest of the classes were all delivering poorer results than predicted. In the January mock exams for his core year, the results indicated an average of B minuses where previously there had been A’s. In addition to this, truancy was at a record high. Pupils had lost interest in the new methods the teachers were employing, many of which didn’t seem able to understand the texts they were supposed to be teaching. A couple of months later and parents were actively pulling their pupils out of the school. Fights had broken out in the playground, classes were getting more and more disjointed and results were now at record breaking lows. In addition to this, one particular rival school who had been the biggest in the area before Mr F took over St Mary’s, had risen again under a new head and was delivering grade averages that had not been seen in two decades. Even Mr M’s old school was doing better than it had done in years. They had employed a younger, more modern head teacher who was winning rave reviews for his extra-curricular clubs and a huge increase in  pupil spirit.

Mr M was out of his depth but he blundered on. He kept telling parents and the governors the same message over and over. Things would get better. He had a plan for the school. When people pressed him on what this plan was he would merely mumble and shuffle off. One teacher threatened to leave and he offered him triple his wages to stay despite complaints that he had lost the classroom.

Finally, ten months into his role... he was sacked from his job. In his time he had spent more money than the previous headmaster had in three years. He had seen truancy figures at a record high. He had seen playground bulling at a record high. He had recorded the worst exam results in the last 25 years of the school. He had taken pupils who were averaging A grades and turned them into C’s. He had destroyed the reputation of the school in less than a year and turned it into a laughing stock. Kids didn’t want to go there, teachers didn’t want to teach there. The Governors, despite not wanting to take the action of severance, had no choice but to end a relationship that was only getting worse.

There were mitigating circumstances. There always are. Other schools had more money. People said the pupils had punched above their weight last school year and that results would never get that good again. Michael Gove was the minister for education. But the simple fact was that Mr M had failed every single reasonable target he had been set. He had failed, on every level that he could be measured by.


Because, you see. It doesn’t matter if Man Utd should never have given David Moyes the job. They did give it to him... and he accepted it. And as soon as he accepted it he earned the right to be judged by the parameters of that job itself. And that job was the manager of Manchester United football club in 2013. He should not be judged by what somebody did in the 1980’s under wildly different terms. The average length of a manager then was 3-4 years. It is currently 8 months.

There is no positive, no single scrap of evidence that anybody can claim is worthy of an excuse not to sack Moyes. People talk of the squad, of the club, of the market... but they don’t say “well in fairness David did do this... or did do that” - because he didn’t. There are mitigating circumstances. There always are. But don’t you or anybody else tell me to feel sorry for somebody who came into this football club and made worse every possible feature of it over a 10 month period. A man who had no plan, no desire, no fight... and no fucking idea what he was doing.

Laugh at Man Utd. Hate Man Utd. Want Man Utd to fail by all means. But don’t feel sorry for Moyes. Pity the fucking fool.

Now let’s clean up this fucking mess and forget the whole sorry thing ever happened.




https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Four

The masters is on and Liverpool on the verge of winning a title is simply too much to bear... so this week's blog comes in a slimmed down, one off format - as we examine the five currently most under-rated players in the league:

1. Gareth Barry
Steven Gerrard has had a great season, but the best holding midfielder on Merseyside hasn’t been the specialist penalty taker who teams really, really (like REALLY) need to learn how to press. Gareth Barry has often been the least mentioned of Roberto Martinez transfer/loan deals but he has been more influential than any in terms of letting the rest of the team play. Do you really think that Ross Barkley would look this good without Barry behind to mop up his mess? The good news for Everton fans is that unlike Lukaku, Barry will surely still be in Everton ranks come next August. City don’t need him and it would be strange if he were to go elsewhere. Martinez has rotated the trident behind Lukaku liberally of late, but he has kept the Barry/McCarthy axis constant behind it. The two of them have been magnificent in a team which have kept the ball, used the ball… and now sit on the cusp of an improbable and fully deserved 4^th place finish.

2. Jason Puncheon
Puncheon impressed in fits and starts last season with Southampton and it is intriguing to wonder what sort of a season he’d be having had he stayed within their ranks. As it was, he has become the most influential attacker in a Crystal Palace side that has seemingly pulled off one of the great relegation escapes. Pulis and his well-drilled defence have already taken plenty of plaudits, but they would still be in the relegation zone were they not putting the ball in the net at the other end. Puncheon has scored three in his last two games and has helped Palace win three games on the spin. Earlier on in the season it seemed likely that the only thing Puncheon would be remembered for this campaign was the worst penalty miss of all time. Now when you say his name nobody is laughing anymore.  Ok maybe they are, but come on Jason, it really was the worst miss… of all time.

3. Martin Skrtel
It now seems incredible that Skrtel was effectively asked to leave Liverpool in the summer. Told he was the 4^th choice centre back in a team looking to develop, Skrtel opted to stay and fight for his place and when he got in the team, he has never looked back. What is even more incredible is that in no way shape or form can Skrtel actually defend. He is a refreshing throw back to an era where defenders dived in, wrestled strikers to the ground and popped up at set pieces to hammer headers into the opposition net. There is nothing cultured about Skrtel, but he wears his heart on his sleeve and has plundered 7 goals in 32 league games from central defence. What is more ridiculous, is that he has kept 8 clean sheets and not conceded a single penalty. One word. Witchcraft.

4. Marko Arnautovic
If there is one player (and there is, literally, one player) who has shown the difference between Stoke under Mark Hughes compared to Tony Pulis, it has been Marko Arnautovic. Signed from Werder Bremen for a £2m fee that looks like a practical joke gone wrong, the Austrian has been magnificent since returning from a mid-season injury. His vision and speed of thought have taken Stoke up a level and he is creating chances at will. Arnautovic is just 24 and has already been capped over 30 times by his country. He has largely been forgotten about this season owing almost entirely to a general disinterest in Stoke City football club. His performances are now making ignorance tough. He may not quite be this season’s Michu, but he’s made a lot better fist of it than… well… Michu.

5. Christian Eriksen
If you throw enough mud at a wall, some of it will eventually stick. If you asked Spurs fans who their most exciting signing was in the summer you would probably have got the answer of either Soldado or Lamela. The pair cost almost £60m between them and have contributed less than Eriksen between them. The Dane has been in outstanding form since Tactics Tim restored him to the starting line-up; and he is far and away the man most likely to be sold in two years times for an inflated but ultimately irreplaceable fee. Erikson has started just 18 games this season but has scored 7 and made 7 in those games. His free kicks are delicious, his corners wicked and he moves the ball around the park as if he is wearing boots woven from silk. Given the time he has been on the pitch, only Aaron Ramsey and Ya Ya Toure can actually claim to have had, statistically, a better season than him. He creates almost every Spurs chance and has won more points for his team than any other player.  I don’t want to bang on about this because I’ve been saying it for two years, but Eriksen is one of the most talented young midfielders on the planet… and if Spurs have an ounce of sense left in them they need to build their entire team around this man for the next decade. He really is that fucking good.

And handsome.

But that’s not relevant…

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Thirty Three

1. All eyes turn to Anfield
It is fitting, aside from all the comedy and the banter, that this weekend’s potential title decider will take place at Anfield on the 25^th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. Kick Offs up and down the country will be delayed by 7 minutes in respect to those who lost their lives; and come 1:37 on Sunday, Liverpool and Man City will kick off in a game that nobody saw coming as a potential title blockbuster. Liverpool have won 9 games in a row and despite not playing fluently this weekend, they scraped past West Ham thanks to their 2,754^th and 2,755^th penalties of the season. Steven Gerrard may just spend all game playing 5 yard passes in his own half, but he’s on the pitch to take set pieces and he has done so with rare aplomb this year. City meanwhile, complete with their own dead ball specialist Ya Ya Toure, also needed a dodgy penalty to help them on their way to victory over a Southampton team visibly rocked by the injury to Jay Rodriguez. The two now face each other in a game that’s almost impossible to call. The two greatest attacks in the league square up in a fixture that is almost, almost winner takes all (Liverpool still have to play Chelsea and City negate a tough trip to Everton). A draw lets Jose and his poor, striker-less team back in and both clubs will know that victory severely damages the others hopes. Liverpool rarely freeze in the big game headlights of Anfield and with the Hillsborough anniversary to throw into the mix as well… I mean, I don’t want to big it up too much… I’m not Sky… but this match is quite simply… fucking unmissable.

2. Shinji is what’s the Mata David
Some managers know their best eleven and others stumble upon it by accident owing to injury and suspension. The latter is true with Moyes, who has survived calls for his head to emerge unbeaten from three crucial league games and two Champions League ones. Key to the league wins have been the pairing of Kagawa and Mata in a fluid 4-2-3-1 with a central striker (either Rooney, Welbeck or Hernandez) creating space for them to work in by making runs beyond the defence. Kagawa was thought surplus to requirements following the arrival of Mata and the mystifying decision to give Rooney a new 5 year contract, but the Japanese international has been pivotal in three league games that have been won 10-1 by Utd. Mata, invisible on the right wing when Rooney and Van Persie were playing, has stepped inside to score 3 goals and set up 2 more in back to back games. Mata is a sham of a right winger and quite simply, has to play in this position going forward. More interesting though, is how well Kagawa has started to play with him. Mata is a similar player, all one touches and give and go’s and the two of them have dovetailed superbly to tear apart three teams who, let’s be fair, are kinda shit. It was clear to anyone before this that Utd’s best formation didn’t involve both Rooney and Van Persie, but it is surely clear to Moyes as well now. He has lacked the balls this year to formally state that, but if he is to remain in charge for next season, he could probably do worse than thank the Dutchman for two wonderful seasons and use the cash to bolster the areas that need it. Which is, in short, the entire defensive and holding midfield line. A front four of Kagawa, Mata, Rooney and Welbeck is clever enough, quick enough and fluid enough to trouble anyone, but it is worth nothing without six good men behind them to give them that licence. Currently Utd don’t have one good man (the possible exception of Darren Fletcher) but at least they know now what they’re capable of.

3. Fox is back on the menu
Leicester stormed back to the Premier League this weekend, with six games to spare, after more than 10 years out of the top flight. The Foxes have been the best side in the Championship all season and have benefited from stability after years of change and uncertainty (Gary Megson anyone?). Their team is a mixture of youth and pace, combined with proven Championship experience. Keven Phillips for example, has now been promoted over 100 times. How Nigel Pearson’s side cope with the Premier League remains unclear. Leicester look a side that lack top level quality but that was true of the likes of both Swansea and Norwich who stayed up and established themselves. David Nugent has struggled in the Premier League before but at 28, is now in his peak. How him and Jamie Vardy, a striker who was playing non-league football two years ago, cope with the pace and the power of the top flight will go a long way to dictating Leicester’s chances. Let us hope the board give Pearson a chance. Rather than give him £30m to spend and sack him at Christmas for being only 17^th.

4. Immortality is yours Everton… take it!
There are six games left and Everton know that five wins and a draw will take them back into the Champions League. That is no easy feat, but if they play half as well as they did on Sunday that will be a formality. Martinez and his players were better than Arsenal in every single area of the park. They didn’t just outfight them, they outplayed them. Comprehensively. Ross Barkley, a player so direct you could name a rail route to London after him, ran with intelligence and purpose and the space he created was lapped up by Lukaku and Naysmith. They tore into a callow and leaderless Arsenal who were left to shooting from range and wondering how to pick themselves up after yet another away day slaughter to a rival. The Gunners have a semi-final this weekend against Wigan that they simply must win. Failure is not an option. If they end this season 5^th and without the FA Cup, every single player of that squad, led by a manager who couldn’t motivate his way out of a workout video, needs to be lined up on the streets of North London. Naked. And be thrown rotten fruit at. 

5. Chris Hughton ha… ah who am I kidding?
Nobody cares about Norwich, a team who have been so boring this season they’ve made West Ham look expansive. So instead let’s take a look at amusing videos of football stars hamming it up for advertisement money they simply don’t need. Seriously though, if you watch one, watch the Suarez one. They’re all gold, but you’re got to hand to him for that level of self-parody.

Jimmy Bullard Washes and Go – is this a parody? Is he taking the piss out the original advert? Or himself? Does he know how much of a wanker he looks?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyZ7TfC5shU

Figo isn’t a  man – Seriously Figo? Did you really need to “take care of yourself” by making this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rreLf5eqrHc

John Barnes pretends to be Denzel – I know Barnsey always fancied himself as an actor, singer, rapper whatever. But that fake panting? Dead god man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVyFSA1DCTg

Ade forgets to salute – Oh my sweet Christ Emmanuel! The dance. The wink. The kiss??? What in hell were you thinking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZKbFZuN81I&feature=player_embedded

Luis Suarez Gets an Office job – Even in another language this is just hilarious. Fair play Luis. You may be a twat, but at least you’re a self-aware one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NBoZrKYtkzo

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