Cech (5.0 ARS) – Last
season Cech was statistically the worst keeper in the Premier League. So far he
has showed no interest in losing his mantle. 8 goals conceded, 2 of which have
been the result of direct errors – but the really strange thing is that Cech,
at the age of 36, is being asked to change his game by Emery by passing the
ball straight out from the back. What’s even stranger, is that Emery bought a
new keeper in Leno, who can do exactly that. What’s stranger still… is that
Cech is so clearly uncomfortable with it… and palpably bad at it… but that…
well… it’s still going on. Arsenal may have won 3-2 but they let Cardiff score
twice. Which is twice more than they’ve scored in the previous three league
games this season. Cech was so poor he’s kept Alisson out of this team. Who after
just 4 games with his new team felt compelled to… well… be a goalkeeper for
Liverpool.
Le Marchand (4.5 FUL)
– It’s hard to see why Fulham thought Le Marchand was the answer to their full
back problems. The Frenchman was an average performer last season for a Nice
side that came 8th in the table, and had the 10th worst
defensive record. Thus far this campaign, he has helped ship 9 goals, won just 58%
of his headers and 68% of his tackles. For an attacking side, he is about as
useless going forward as you can get – having yet to create a clear chance and
put in two crosses in 360 minutes of football. And he’s keeping Sessegnon out
of the side? Go figure.
Wan Bissaka (4.1 CRY)
– After starting the season like the most exciting full back since… er… all the
others out there at the moment… things have gone from bad to worse for young Obi-Wan.
Sent off two games ago, he made three clear errors in the match, the most costly
of which resulted in a Saints penalty. Insert your own Star Wars joke here.
Coleman (5.4 EVE) –
Everton can’t defend. A statement which is backed up by their complete lack of
clean sheets this season and playing Huddersfield at home and letting them have
six shots on target (to their one?) When he’s not failing to stop the
opposition scoring, Coleman also isn’t getting forward successfully either.
Once one of the most buccaneering full backs in the league, the Irishman is yet
to complete a successful cross this season from 11 attempts and is averaging
just 9 touches in the final third per match. Compare that to Ben Chilwell over
at Leicester, who plays for a similar side by way of a fair comparison. Chilwell
is averaging 17 touches per match in the final third and has put over 23
crosses. He has also created 4 clear chances to Coleman’s 1.
If all that was a bit stats heavy and you switched off I’ll simplify
it. Coleman isn’t cutting the mustard at either end of the pitch.
Bardsley (4.4 BUR)
– Phil Bardsley is still in the Premier League. The only thing more surprising
about that statement is how he stayed on the pitch against Manchester Utd for a
shocking and cynical off the ball hack at Marcus Rashford; who he then went
head to head with and watched as the referee sent off only Rashford. Even if
the rutting stags moments showed the Utd man to be the aggressor, Bardsley’s offence
was worth two yellows in succession. Awful refereeing all round.
But seriously. Bardsley has to be the worst defender still
in the league right? Plus he looks like the dad of that kid who used to beat
you up at school; and you just know he would have thought nothing of going
straight through the back of you in a father/son match.
Like a cunt.
Gross (6.9 BHA) –
A missed penalty and off before 60 minutes is the stuff of nightmares for
fantasy football managers. I mean, it’s not a 1 minute Mkhitaryan cameo when
you’ve got 9 points on your bench waiting to come in but it’s close.
I mean. Why Emery? For the love of God man. Why!!!!????
And breathe…
Xhaka (5.4 ARS) –
Okay seriously is Emery on drugs? You have Torreira right there. Right there
man! Why are you starting this hack happy imbecile when you’ve bought a
brilliant guy to stop him darkening the fucking side ever again. God I hate
Xhaka. I can’t hide it anymore. He is an absolute stone wall, cast iron, first
degree nothing of a football player. The odd set piece on the money means nowt
when you can’t pass, can’t tackle, can’t run, can’t intercept, can’t header,
can’t dribble, can’t position yourself correctly to stop attacks and can’t read
(last one is a guess). Please… I mean, we don’t need Wenger back… but there has
to be a third option here people…
Snodgrass (5.5 WHU)
– Remember when he used to be really quite good? No. Me neither.
Jesus (10.4 MCI) –
Cutting a frustrated figure once again this weekend, the stark reality is that
Jesus should really be scoring a lot more goals in this Man City team. After an
electric start to his career he was largely anonymous for his country at the World
Cup and has followed up that form for his club. Now very much second fiddle to
Aguero, whatever Jamie Jackson may think, Jesus has scored just once from his
10 shots so far. A desperate conversion rate for any striker, but more so for
one with such apparently prodigious talent. If he carries on like this he may
as well be managed by Jose Mourinho
Rashford (6.7 MUN)
– A frustrated figure who lost his cool (and his head). Joking aside, seeing a
talent this home grown and raw slide down the gutter under this current manager
is one of the most depressing sights in English football right now.
Benteke (6.5 CRY)
– Benteke has now scored 3 goals in 37 matches. This is a player who Liverpool
bought for £32.5m when £32.5m was the old £60m. He is 27 and should be in his
peak as an attacker. He looks like the worst striker in European football. He
hasn’t scored from open play with his feet for 17 months. That’s a season and a
half for fucks sake. If he was being indulged last season, right now it just
looks like that Hodgson is under some sort of spell compelling him to select him
for each match.
I mean even Shane Long has scored 2 goals in that spac… no
wait. Bad example. That’s on me.
Happy Hunting
HM
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