Schmeichel (5.0 LEI)
– Leicester look shambolic in defence and nifty in attack. The complete
opposite of what was expected when Claude Puel took over. Kasper Schmeichel
wasn’t obstinately bad against Bournemouth, but he certainly wasn’t great – and
his understanding with his two centre backs looks questionable.
Zouma (5.0 EVE) –
A strange purchase for any club looking to improve at the back. Kurt Zouma was
caught out by the movement of West Ham on the counter and never looked an authoritative
presence. Which, given he was complete shit for Stoke should really come as no
surprise to anyone. Everton could really do with getting Mina fit and finding a combination of midfielders who are able to both shield the defence and set up attacks at the same time.
Maguire & Morgan (5.5
LEI, 4.5 LEI) – Slabhead and the Captain are fine professionals. “Proper”
centre backs as Souness would call them. But they’re also about as mobile as an
articulated lorry. They were torn apart by the pace of the Bournemouth attack
(words I never thought I would write this season #391) time and time again.
Morgan surely needs to now be eased out of the side. A loyal servant who has
had his day. Maguire will improve with a better partner, but this was a
reminder that he is far from the finished article. Or to put it less politely,
the most overrated centre back in the history of the game.
Vertonghen (6.0 TOT)
– Liverpool are much better than Spurs. This felt like a meeting between two
sides going in different directions. One gunning for the title and the other in
a battle to finish in the top four. One spent about a billion quid* in the
summer (credit to Jose Mourinho) – the other spent zero. The Spurs captain epitomised
the gulf in class more than anyone – he did little wrong, he just wasn’t good
enough to deal with Firmino, Mane and Salah for 90 minutes. Few will be.
Manga (4.5 CAR) –
The Cardiff full back was given what can politely be described as a “lesson” by
Eden Hazard on Saturday. Even taking that into account though, he played the
full 90 minutes and completed preciously zero successful tackles, interceptions
and aerial duels. Zero? In an entire match where you’re under the cosh. That’s
rubbish mate. And your passing completion of 60%? Bobbins as well. Shape up.
Get Peltier in this side Warnock. Be a lad now.
Cork (4.9 BUR) –
Jack Cork is the sort of player that fans say is the “unsung hero” of the team.
The guy who does the dirty stuff well. Maybe, but right now Cork is looking
just plain dirty. He is the lowest ranked non defender in the league for
combined attack/assist XG and mostly just seems to be fouling people. He looks
rubbish. He is rubbish. Burnley are rubbish. Joe Hart can’t buy a decent club
these days…
Mooy (5.3 HUD) –
Mooy played well for Huddersfield last season. His dead ball delivery, passing
accuracy and odd long range screamer were key to keeping them in the division.
This season he is playing alongside Philip Billing and making him look like
Xavi by comparison. The entire Huddersfield side aren’t creating enough, but
Mooy needs to step up the whole team and dictate the tempo. The Terriers have 2
points from 5 games and it’s hard to see a win on the horizon.
Sanchez (10.2 MUN)
– There will come a point when Sanchez could well be considered the worst
Manchester United signing of his generation. That is the path he is currently
dangerously close to treading. He is flat out the worst retainer of possession
in the league, a stat that used to be okay when he was all action, all energy
and would create enough chances that he’d eventually smash one in. Right now he
is none of that, he is playing as an inside left, bound by a straitjacket and
rarely finds enough space to break into a run. He has stalled the careers of
both Rashford and Martial, two players who are younger, more dynamic and worth
far more to the club long term than him. He starts every game and is doing absolutely
nothing to justify that level of loyalty. He is a player that symbolises
everything that is wrong with the club since Ed Woodward took over control. He has to stand up. He has to deliver. We are approaching the
winter of his discontent. And it’s the winners who get to write in the history
books.
Tosun (7.0 EVE) –
Tosun is yet to score this season, and it’s easy to see why judging by his performance
against West Ham. He has the first touch of Edward Scissorhands, and when he
does get chances, he takes them with the confidence of a deer faced with an
oncoming truck. The striker has missed 11 chances so far this season and
despite being heavily involved (he has had more touches in the final third than
Mitrovic, but half as many shots) he just doesn’t look at the races. Everton
have had the easiest start imaginable and have only won once. You fear for them
as soon as those fixtures stiffen.
Kane (12.5 TOT) –
Whether it’s the knee injury, or whether he truly does just need a break –
Harry Kane is bang out of form and presents a major problem for Spurs. It’s not
the missing chances, his whole game seems to be off. Like a pre-season Wayne
Rooney, or a just joined Chelsea Andriy Shevchenko. Kane is currently averaging
a shot around every 40 minutes with 33% accuracy. That is Tosun level. Last
season his average was one every 16 minutes at 41% accuracy. He is not getting his shots off with anything
like the rate he used to, he is not finding pockets of space, he is not
smashing them in from anywhere, let alone outside the box. He looks completely
and utterly jaded.
Far from mocking him, as an England fan who has watched him
in full flow for 3 seasons, this is deeply concerning.
Let us pray.
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