Foster (WAT 4.6) – In
a game where De Gea was by far the busiest keeper, the ex Man United stopper
failed to step up against his former club. Whilst he could hardly be blamed for
United’s opener; which was made by the increasingly impressive Luke Shaw; he
didn’t get his angles right and was caught in no-man’s land, handing Rashford a
simple finish. He then moved on by failing to hold Martial’s scuffed attempt,
before watching the forward hook the ball in whilst still on the ground. All in
all, a poor day at the office.
Lloris (TOT 5.4) – It’s
a rare week when I have to include two keepers, but in truth I could have filled
half the spots with them. Hugo Lloris has been an error away from rehab for
some time now, and you have to wonder how dearly his late mistake may cost his
team in the race for the top four. Although in fairness to him; it might have mattered little had Spurs not deservedly
scored a second. I may be wrong, but whilst Pool might celebrate this win, the
way they collapsed in an anxious heap before Lloris’ late error doesn’t exactly
scream nerves of steel. If anyone but Moussa Sissoko had been tearing through
on goal, two on one, with 5 minutes left to play it may have been a different
story. And when I say anyone… dear god… I mean anyone. As it was, Spurs fucked
it up in that sort of way that somehow only they
manage too… as Salah tamely headed back across goal for Mane to tap in,
only to witness Lloris fail to catch it, fumble it to his own player for an own
goal and then watch open mouthed in horror… as FPL gave the assist to the Egyptian.
Young (MUN 5.7) – Whilst
Luke Shaw and his mystifyingly large bottom continues to lock down United’s
left hand side, Ashley Young is looking increasingly exposed on the other
flank. Granted trying to get defensive help with Juan Mata is a bit like asking
for the vegan option at a Texas BBQ; but he is now being targeted by players running
at him and drawing fouls. He made several here and was lucky to escape a
caution. Young has been a fine servant during a difficult period for the club,
but one hopes that the blind loyalty that has defined previous managers doesn’t
strike again with Ole now firmly at the helm. United need a new world class
full back, it’s that simple.
Bryan (FUL 4.8) – This
was one of the most painful football matches I’ve ever watched. The opening 20
minutes was just about as one sided as I’ve seen; genuine men against boys
stuff. Then, just as Fulham had finally managed to get a foot hold in the game
and realise they were somehow only 1 goal down… up steps Joe Bryan… genuinely
as bad a defender as this league has ever seen. Giving the ball to most opponents
striker’s is never great… but giving it to Sergio Aguero is terminal. 2-0 –
game over – and we were all left to enjoy an anaemic second half where the pall
was passed around with all the urgency of two teams who need a draw to progress
to the next round of the World Cup.
Coady (WOL 4.5) – Wolves
have more wins against the top six than the bottom four – a statistic that
undermines some of the excellent work done by Nuno Santo this season. Certainly
if his team are to kick on and become a genuine threat to the established
elite, they need to address their motivation against the lesser lights. Burnley
were quicker to every ball and thoroughly deserved their win, helped by Connor
Coady’s own goal and a performance that did all it could to get the Ashley
Barnes train back out of the station.
Diop (WHU 4.4) – A
battle which pitted arguably the two least consistent sides in the league
against each other; this was another match where Everton looked like a fluent,
attacking side again… whilst West Ham got to put one more X on the calendar
before they can all go on holiday and forget about this day job nonsense. West
Ham were shit throughout… to be honest I could have picked any of their
defenders out for making Calvert-Lewin look like Thierry Henry. Oh well lads…
only six more games to go… not long now.
Knockaert (BHA 5.2) –
If there was any justice in the world Anthony Knockaert would be known for
what he is… the Nani of the Championship. But he’s still in the Premier League,
having scored 5 goals across three seasons. He is a greedy and unintelligent
footballer… like an anti-meta Mark Albrighton.
His career is a nonsense.
Brooks (BOU 5.1) – Allowed
out at weekends by his babysitter, David Brooks has been great for Bournemouth
this season. His rapid progression from the under 11’s to the first team has
broke new ground for youth football everywhere. He was poor here though. His
pass completion was 78% - he had one shot and created nothing in 90 hapless
minutes. He becomes the first player in FPL history to get a yellow flag for being
grounded.
Matic (MUN 5.0) – This
was a shocking display from Matic who deserved to be nowhere near the winning
side. Tasked with the protection of the defence and dictating the tempo from
the base of midfield – he instead spent most of the match just watching as the
ball sailed past him in either direction. When he did get involved he only made
matters worse. He made just a single tackle the entire game and made three
errors, all of which led to chances for the opposition. Get McTominay back in
this side Ole… be a lad now.
Arnautovic (WHU 6.8) –
Marco Arnautovic has scored in one game since the start of November. He has
now blanked in 8 matches in a row and hasn’t completed 90 minutes in over 4
months. West Ham should probably have let him leave.
Higuan (CHE 9.6) – Sporting
the body of a married with two kids dad and the mobility of a wounded buffalo,
Higuain epitomised a dreadful Chelsea performance that was inexplicably
rewarded with 3 points. I’m looking at you Eddie Smart. Forget these eleven sad
sacks… you’re the real Team of the Weak here. Somehow missing two Chelsea
players standing a full yard offside when looking directly across the line from
a set piece, you should be made to publicly apologise to every Cardiff coach,
player and fan.
Following that we’ll give you a job in government.
HM
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