De Gea (MUN 5.7) – David
De Gea has faced 30 penalties for Manchester United and 27 of them have ended
up in the net. He hasn’t saved one in three years. Indeed, for arguably the
best goal keeper on the planet to be so easily beaten from 12 yards is one of
the great quirks of the game. The penalty that Aubameyang scored wasn’t even
good. It was about as shit as the referee’s performance. Who wandered around
like a lost dough ball vaguely pointing in the wrong direction for most of the
match.
All of this would
have mattered little had De Gea not already decided to treat Granit Xhaka’s 25
yard “sighter” like it was also a penalty. Inexplicably diving out of the way
of a shot that ended up pretty much in the centre of the goal. Or his team
mates managed to actually convert any of the copious chances that this
farcically inept Arsenal backline give you each match.
But no… United were due some bad luck and their manager and
fans will hope that this was just a bump in the road in their now unstoppable
re-rise to greatness.
Lindelof (MUN 5.1) – Lindelof
was so bad in this match it was like he was being remotely controlled by Jose
Mourinho. Which reminds me, is he going back to Madrid by the way? Like they’re
really actually going to do that?
What is it with these people? I mean for fucks sake. Tim
Sherwood is STILL out of work!?
Keane (EVE 4.8) – I
really don’t want to keep putting Michael Keane in my team of the weak. I want
there to be other options I can turn to. There must be defenders out there who
also can’t head the ball? Or don’t understand what a defensive line even is,
let alone learn to hold one? He’s so bad he could get in the Fulham team.
Bryan (FUL 4.8) – But
you know… he’s not this bad. Joe Bryan is now less of a defender and more
someone who gets told to turn up and stand in a particular position for 90
minutes a week. He doesn’t possess even the most basic abilities required to be
a top flight defender and has been part of a Fulham back line that have now
conceded 68 goals. That is already more than any team conceded in the entirety
of last season. Or most seasons. Derby’s 89 goals from 12 years ago is in their
sights. I think they can do it. I believe
in them. It's important to be remembered for something.
Vertonghen (TOT 5.9) –
Poor in Germany midweek and indebted to his goalkeeper, Vertonghen was even
worse in the second half here against the might of Southampton. Spurs topsy-turvy
season continued as they crashed to another defeat and now face the very real
possibility of coming 5th or 6th in a 3 horse race.
They don’t play in the league again for 3 weeks. And when
they do… it’s Liverpool. Which Spurs side turns up for that one will likely determine
the fate of both the title… and the top four.
Anderson (WHU 7.2) – Some
players are already dreaming of their summer vacations. Some are booking them.
And then there is Anderson… who is already on one. This was a 45 minute display
that a Chelsea player trying to get their manager sacked would be embarrassed by.
He just did absolutely nothing.
Billing (HUD 4.5) - Hailed
by some this season as one of the few successes in the Terriers ranks, Billing
has slipped away much like his side… becoming more and more of a hapless
irrelevance as Huddersfield slide into the Championship. Stats wise, this has
been an appalling season for big Phil. His pass success rate of 79% is poor for
a centre mid. He has made just 9 successful crosses all season, played not a
single through ball and created zero “big chances.” To add to that, he has had
40 goal attempts and scored twice. Only 9 of his attempts have even been on
target. He can’t shoot, he can’t pass and he can’t dribble (50% success rate).
That he is considered by some to be his side’s best player…
says everything about how bad this Huddersfield side truly are.
Jorginho (CHE 4.6) – Jorginho
attempted 100 passes in 72 minutes on Sunday. More than anyone on the pitch
during that period. He played zero through balls, zero crosses, zero key passes
and created zero chances. He literally stood in the centre circle and played 10
yard balls to another player. The loudest cheer of the entire game was when he
was taken off.
I feel for him at this stage. It’s not his fault. He is
being told to do a job and does it. But Sarri? I’m sorry mate… but end this fucking
madness now.
Salah (LIV 13.4) – Salah
finds his way into the Team of the Weak for the third week in a row following
another hopeless display in front of goal. You can’t say he isn’t trying. You
can’t say he’s not getting in the right positions. And hell, there is certainly
a comedic element to him essentially assisting all three goals by being tackled
(twice) and via a crap cross that came off keeper and defender before landing
at the gleeful feet of Roberto Firmino.
Liverpool continue to do enough to keep on the coat tails of
City – but with Munich and Spurs up either side of what will be the most regulation
3 points in history against Fulham – now is the time when Liverpool need their
star player to re-discover his mojo.
Rashford (MUN 7.6) – From
hero to zero – Rashford moved well against Arsenal, but his end product was
terrible. This was just the sort of performance that would question his ability
to become a more natural number 9, rather than a wide forward where his pace
can be so devastating. Rashford is still only 21 – which is remarkable when you
consider he has already played almost 200 games for club and country. He has
the world at his feet but needs composure and that little bit more nous in the
final third to sit at the big boys table.
He also needs to score scruffy goals. Literally ever.
Higuain (CHE 9.6) – Higuain
wasn’t terrible against Wolves, he just couldn’t shoot. His movement is superb
and he is an intelligent, mobile footballer who has learnt his trade at some of
the biggest clubs in the world. None of that nous has gone missing, but on
Sunday he just couldn’t get his shooting boots laced on the right feet. Six
chances he had in total, 5 of which came inside the box. Indeed he only touched
the ball 6 times in the box all match, which highlights quite how comfortable
he is at shooting on sight. Chelsea have plenty of problems, but Higuain has
been a good signing for them and you feel it’s only a matter of time before the
front three finally click and score a hatful.
Or you know. Michael Keane could dominate him like the
absolute fucking boss he is and the Argentinian could be back in here again
next week.
Happy Hunting.
HM.
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