World Cup Group Stages - The Digested Read

Group A 

Ah Brazil, you great entertainers you, you wonderous party beasts, you fabulous hosts, you beautiful creatures... yeah, I’m talking about the fans. On the pitch Brazil have thus far got past Croatia thanks to the ref, failed to score against the worst team in Concaf qualifying and just about beaten a Cameroon team who are widely considered to the be the worst of all the 32 competing nations. But they have Neymar, who remains enigmatically brilliant even with a hair cut that would make Busted blush. Also through are Mexico, who are the group stage specialists of every World Cup. Never quite managing to pull of a kit colour that just... isn’t... the... right... shade... of... green, they nevertheless swept aside the visibly jaded Croats to set up a noble but inevitable defeat to the Dutch in the second round.


Player of the Group - Neymar. He really only looks good because he’s next to Fred and Hulk.

Flop of the Group - The Cameroon manager, who literally laughed at his own players and watch them fight like dogs whilst chipping up for the free Brahma

Group B

Well who saw that Spanish collapse coming? A lot of people judging by the faintly smug comments that peppered the media as Spain became the first team to bow out of this years tournament. Spain were risible for one half against Holland and both against Chile, but a lot of the media comments smacked a little bit of when people say “oh I think it’s a boy” and then look at you like they want a fucking medal when they get it right. Given Spain can still field an under 25 team that is the envy of almost everyone on the planet, they are likely far from over and whilst this was pretty horrible to watch, it merely makes it more entertaining to know that this is still such an open and brilliant sport. Elsewhere Holland took the praise for their revolutionary tactics of passing the ball to Robben and getting Van Persie near the fucking goal. Chile were the real winners of this group and their match up with Brazil promises to be the game of the round this Saturday. Indeed, with Australia weighing in with some first class entertainment and that fabulous Tim Cahill goal, this was probably the best group of the lot.

Player of the Group - Robben. The man is getting faster and better each year. Plus he has made hogging it an art form.

Flop of the Group - Casillas. Just horrible. In every way.

Group C

Columbia. Boom. I don’t want to sit here in my ivory tower and say I told you so. But my dark horses are currently the number one ranked form team of the tournament and that means one thing. They will almost certainly collapse from here. Granted they were in a group that included the risible Japan (has there been a more forgettable team in the last twenty years? Admit it, you’d forgotten they were in it hadn’t you?), the perennial failures that are the Ivory Coast. And Greece. Who somehow are through. Despite being... well, Greece.


Player of the Group - Rodriguez. I may start pronouncing my own surname Yam-es.
Flop of the Group - Kagawa. Maybe it’s time to free him from the sport, let alone just Man Utd. The poor lad looks lost.

Group D

As shocks go, Costa Rica topping a group made up of “three of the world’s ten best sides” (Citation - Fifa Rankings are terrible) was as big as any we’ve seen so far. The Americans haven’t just shut up and scraped through though, they thoroughly outplayed both Uruguay and Italy and beat both to secure the comedy of a dead rubber with England. Which they still didn’t lose. Uruguay also went through, but have probably already bitten off more than they can chew. The only thing more amusing than the latest Suarez bite incident was the ridiculous overreaction to it. Is it just me who finds it merely amusing? A 4 month ban from all football? Really? For an off the cuff nibble of somebody’s shoulder? Suarez is clearly a gifted mentalist and his time away from the game will be as much our loss as it is his own. Football loves villains, and it’s a shame that whilst we’re on the subject we couldn’t even create our own set this time. I mean come on England. We at least hoped you’d fail dramatically... or pathetically... or comically. You just went out tamely to teams who were slightly better than you. And we can’t even sack Roy because when we try and think of somebody better than you we get Steve Bruce applying for the job.

Player of the Group - Gonzalez. A lynch pin that the side builds from.

Flop of the Group - Pirlo. Such a player deserved to exit International football in a better way than this. (see also Xavi)

Group E

France, or Jess‘ Nursery team as I prefer to call them, have negotiated this group without breaking sweat and have been rewarded further with a meeting with Nigeria in the second round. Or in other words, a bye to the Quarter Finals. They are certainly playing with a swagger which suggests they will have a say in things and, in Karim Benzema, possess an underrated player at the top of his game. Switzerland also progressed at the expense of the flamboyant yet brittle Ecuadorians and the not at all flamboyant and brutal Hondas.  


Player of the Group - Benzema. Has short hair ever looked so good?
Flop of the Group - Palacios. Thanks. For. Coming.

Group F

Easily the most boring group saw Argentina Lionel Messi win every game despite his team playing like a bunch of strangers who had just met the week before. Nigeria qualified by being less awful than Bosnia and Iran, who almost stole the show with one of the great nil nils in football history. Sadly as injury time ticked onwards, the nil nil became a Messi nil and that was that. Everyone involved in this group should probably take a long hard look at themselves.

Player of the Group - Messi. Heard of him?
Flop of the Group - Dzeko. Nobody likes a whiner Edin. Especially when you’ve been shit.

Group G

Now this was a great group. Whilst the ruthless Germans cleaned up it was left for the other teams to provide soap operas within soap operas about what would happen next. From Ronaldo’s fitness (dubious, but still managed 2,000 shots) to the USA’s tactics (just give it to Clint. Give. It. To. Clint.) This was a group that probably saved the best for last as Ghana battled back from defeat to collect a precious point against Germany, only to go down in a puff of smoke amidst match fixing allegations, in fighting and two players being sent home for what remains highly dubious reasons. 



Player of the Group - Muller. Or maybe the pilot who urgently flew 3m (in CASH) into the country so Ghana would play their last match.

Flop of the Group - Muntari. Attacking your staff never usually gets great results Sulley. Also how is this man still in his twenties? He’s surely 50 by now.

Group H

Team Tin Tin sit proudly on 9 points despite only playing well for 6 minutes in a total running time of 278 and counting. Whilst the group winners flattered to deceive, they qualified by virtue of a risible Korean team and Russia. Who took one look at England’s performance under Capello four years ago and said “I want me some of that.” The real stars of the group were the riotously entertaining Algerians (again, I don’t want to say I told you so). The Africans flew the flag for their continent with bright, attacking play and fantastic support from their partisan fans. You fear for them against Germany next week, but they’ve earned the right to be routed royally and go home with their heads held high.

Player of the Group - Slimani. A slippery attacking presence who tore apart Korea.

Flop of the Group - Lukaku. His team may have won, but he didn’t. Has looked every bit the player Jose Mourinho doesn’t want at the moment.

And so onwards we march, with a spring in our step and no more than a cursory glance towards the soon to be rain soaked Wimbledon. This has been the best World Cup for over thirty years so far. Full of superb matches, open football and unexpectedly high drama.

Please don’t mourn England. Nobody else is. So let us enjoy this for what it is. Thus far, absolutely bloody marvelous.


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