5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Six

1. Howard Webb might just be a homer.
Over the past couple of years Howard Webb has often been criticised for being Man Utd’s “12^th man.”  Whilst it’s true that any sort of contact in the box tends to result in a penalty at Old Trafford, not to mention the fact that Nemanja Vidic would presumably have to shoot someone to get sent off, it’s also now apparent that these woeful indiscretions always occurred at home. What’s also apparent is that wherever he goes, Howard Webb seems incapable of not giving the lion share of decisions to the team playing on their own turf.  In 4 games already this season Webb has made huge, home favouring calls in his matches.  This Saturday was no different as Webb brandished out yellow cards whenever Everton players breathed on their expensive, delicate counterparts.  The point represented most strikingly when Tim Cahill was given a somewhat mystifying yellow card for Vincent Kompany stamping on him.  Webb is an accomplished international ref and it looks increasingly clear that the reason he struggles more in the Prem is being unable to find a neutral middle ground.  If it in doubt, the decision will always go with the home team.  Yorkshires finest could do with manning up a little bit...

2. Rooney remains key to Utd’s challenge.
With Dimitar Berbatov devoid of confidence and Michael Owen starved of the service he craves, Utd looked toothless on Saturday without their talisman and most creative force.  Hernadez and Welbeck are both fine and promising players, but they all need one man to make them shine and that man was sat at home watching a Beyonce concert and tweeting.  Ferguson’s refusal to buy a Sneijder like player hasn’t really been noticed so far and, contrary to some commentators , that hasn’t been justified by the fine start made to the season by Anderson and Cleverly.  The point has been moot because Rooney has been playing in the hole in a fluent 4-2-3-1 formation.  To say it’s been successful would be an understatement.  Rooney has been man of the match in every game he’s played for Utd so far and his movement, passing and finishing have been of the highest calibre.  Without him, Utd have a problem because Nani is too selfish (although he can thankfully score the odd wonder goal) and Young too static.  4-4-2 is now a dated system, especially away from home and Utd were easily kept at bay by Stoke.  Unless Ferguson is confident that Rooney can play 50 games this year, a small rethink may be required.

3. QPR can consider themselves hard done by.
Eventually salvaging a point in comedic circumstances, QPR were much the better team for all but around 5 minutes of yesterdays match up with Aston Villa.  They were behind owing to an invisible penalty and then had two more valid appeals of their own turned down by a ref who was seemingly trying to redress the balance caused by Howard Webb.  Slick in midfield and solid at the back, QPR are however in desperate need for a striker who isn’t from the Championship school of thinking.  They should still stay up however, especially given they can reinforce again in January.  As for Villa, they are fast becoming an even more boring team than Birmingham, if such a thing is possible.  Toothless without Darren Bent they also seem to have unearthed a player, in Charles NZogbia, who makes David Ginola look like he put a shift in.  McCleish still has work to do.

4. Kenny is going to have to make hard decisions for Liverpool to succeed.
6 months out or not, Steven Gerrard is far too good a player not to be in Liverpool’s first XI for next weekend’s Merseyside derby.  So far Kenny’s selections have been a mixed bag, refusing to regularly accommodate Dirk Kuyt, play Carroll one minute and drop him the next and sticking to a midfield four that is far from firing on all cylinders.  When Pool look good they look very good and that’s mainly due to the form of Luiz Suarez, who was again oddly taken off on Saturday with the match still finely poised.  Can you imagine Ferguson or Wenger taking off Rooney and Van Persie with 20 minutes left and the game 2-1?  Kenny either needs to master the art of rotation or choose his first XI and stick with it for 4 or 5 games.  At this stage, it’s unclear whether he knows what the latter is and Gerrard’s return has made his decision all the more harder.

5. Relegation will be another large scale scrap this year.
Whilst still early days, I’ve seen enough so far of every team to convince me that, on any given day, pretty much anybody in this league could win, draw or lose.  Even taking the big 3 clubs as read, it’s still no clearer beneath that if anyone is capable of putting together an unbeaten run of 10 or 12 games to really make a charge up the table.  Four teams remain unbeaten and if Newcastle have been good value for their points, the same certainly can’t be said for Aston Vila who have drawn all but one of their games in an often coma inducing fashion.  Of the relegation contenders only QPR look like they should be safe, but you can add West Brom, Blackburn, Wigan, Fulham & Bolton to the teams alongside Norwich and Swansea who look like they could be in serious trouble.  Indeed, if you add Wolves and QPR to that list you’re already talking about half the table that could conceivably find themselves in a relegation scrap.  Still, it all keeps it exciting doesn’t it... and if a couple of big boys find themselves down there in March... all the better.

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Five

1. The Premiership, time to tear up the weekly prediction slip.
Whilst the overall predictions of many pundits tends to eventually come to pass, trying to guess what will happen in each weekend of the Premier League continues to prove a genuine challenge.  The odds on Fulham coming back to draw with Man City were over 50/1 – yet that is what happened as elsewhere every promoted team cruised to victory in seemingly tricky fixtures.  38 goals were rattled in during easily the most entertaining weekend yet.  High flying Stoke were brought down to earth with a bump by a free scoring Sunderland and Liverpool were crushed by Spurs in the worst display yet of the Dalglish era.  Roll on next weekend for more thrills, spills and never easy to call match ups...

2. Is it time to blame the coaching, not the players?
As I was sat watching the most entertaining game of the season so far at Blackburn, I was struck by whether it’s time to stop blaming Wenger’s signings and start pointing the finger at his defensive coaches (and indeed him).  It doesn’t seem to happen these days, if someone plays poorly they’re called a poor signing not a poorly coached player.  Wenger blamed confidence for his defence once again resembling papier-mâché, but surely it is his job to build that confidence back up.  Most of his defenders over the past 5 years have got worse rather than better under his tutorage and surely he needs to rethink his methods.  The same, it has be said, is true of AVB.  Already Chelsea look a more fluent attacking unit than they did under Ancoletti, but their defence is being carved open in ways that never would have happened under Jose.  Have Terry, Cole and co just got worse?  Or are they not being coached to the same level?  The truth, as ever, probably lies somewhere in between...

3. Bolton look fragile.
The opening weekend and a 4 nil away win looks a long time ago for Bolton.  Since then they’ve shipped 13 goals in four matches and this Saturday were well beaten at home... by Norwich.  Granted they’ve had some tough fixtures, but Owen Coyle will be concerned at how easily his players are being taken apart.  Paul Robinson is a solid player, but he is all too easily undone by anyone who can actually run.  Elsewhere Gary Cahill appears to be playing so far forward he may as well be in midfield and Zat Knight has morphed into Titus Bramble at his peak of ineptitude.  Given their next games are Arsenal and Chelsea, they need to get themselves organised and fast.  Although at least they’ll probably score against the former...

4. Retrospective punishment for dives? Please... pretty please.
For all the arguments about video and goal line technology one of the things that tends to get overlooked is how easy it would be for players to be retrospectively punished for shameless simulation.  I’m not asking for miracles here, but why can’t the ref look through the match after it’s finished (as they do anyway) and include anything they may have missed in their report? The FA says doing such will take away from a ref’s power but I’d argue the exact opposite.  Refs are ultimately fallible and it’s almost impossible with the speed of today’s game to determine what contact there is in real-time.  Give them the power to slow things down and stamp out this cheating that has infected the game across the world.  This weekend featured at least three stone wall, no contact dives that would be stopped if the refs handed out yellow or red cards post match.  And not just that, but why should only Klasnic be given a red card for resting his head against the opposition defender? Yes it was stupid, but why is the defender who went down like he’d been butted by a rhino not being punished? It’s cheating and pathetic and if he hadn’t done it Klasnic wouldn’t have been sent off and, more importantly, I wouldn’t have got minus 2 fantasy football points...

5. Have there ever been more clear chances missed in a Utd v Chelsea match...
Sunday’s form book wasn’t ripped up with this result, but the manner of which it was achieved with two teams who normally play out a cagey affair was simply crazy.  An end to end basketball match with almost zero regard for defending gave anyone watching a royal treat and both managers a near heart attack.  Phil Jones is a fine player, but a stay at home, marshal of the defence ala Vidic he is not.  Himself, along with Ivanovic, Boswinger & Evra were often the furthest forward players in a match that saw over 30 chances, a missed penalty and FOUR all but open goals go begging.  On top of them all of course, a miss that will live in infamy.  Move over Ronnie Rosenthal, there’s a new kid in town... - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/sportvideo/footballvideo/8772864/Chelseas-Fernando-Torres-misses-open-goal-against-Manchester-United.html

Five Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend – Week Four

1. The stardust is back.
Last season had its moments, but in the most part it was a war of attrition and mediocrity that saw the lowest ever points total to be Champions, a relegation scrap that started at 8^th and the player of the year coming from the team that finished bottom.  This season, for better or worse, the top teams (Utd, City, Stoke) have come out all guns blazing with performances that have bordered on the ridiculously good.  Already Aguero and Rooney are going toe to toe in an early top scorer shoot out, whilst behind them Anderson has been reborn as the creative hub of Utd’s midfield.  Meanwhile, David Silva’s performances have been so sublime it makes grown men weep to think that he can’t even get in Spain’s first eleven.  It’s still far too early to write off a stuttering Chelsea from the title, especially given the signing of the superb Mata and finally realising the way to score is simply not playing Fernando Torres… but whatever happens between now and May, this season looks set to give the league some truly world class performances again.  For now, the Prem doesn’t have to look enviously over to Spain & Germany to see where all the talent is…

2. Asmir Begovic is really, really good.
Stoke City remain unbeaten in all competitions this season and for all the talk about reconstructing Land of the Giants, it is in goal where they have unearthed the most polished diamond of them all.  Begovic had an unassuming start to his career at Portsmouth, mainly being loaned to every team in the country.  When Pulis picked him up 18 months ago and paid £3.25m for someone he described as “the best young keeper in the country,” people laughed.  Shifting an established international from the team in but a few months, Begovic has gone from strength to strength and has been in stunning form so far, conceding but a single goal in four league matches.  Indeed, having kept out both Chelsea and Liverpool in displays of aerial and acrobatic brilliance, it’s safe to say that nobody is laughing anymore.

3. Asamoah Gyan, what the fuck?
Having painted a picture of himself as just about the most likeable bloke in football, Asamoah Gyan completed a somewhat strange few months on Saturday by leaving Sunderland to go and play his football in the UAE.  Whichever way you flower it up, the decision to go and play in a total non-entity of a league when you’re not even at your peak and could play in any major league in the world for very, very good money… has to be called out for what it is.  A total disgrace.  Making Cashleigh Cole look like “not caring about money” by comparison, Gyan’s move is sadly systematic of the current state of football.  Fifa have to get a hold of the situation now, with wage caps and proper financial structures, before it just all gets out of hand.  For Gyan, all is not lost, even if nobody will now remember who he is in three years, he will at least have his music career to fall back on.  No… really - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjOb6OA3SVo

4. Wayne Bridge – all sympathy is now gone.
Amidst all the madness of deadline day it shouldn’t be forgotten that one man was quite content to be exactly that.  Five clubs offered Wayne Bridge a contract this summer; several more had bids or loans accepted by Man City.  Bridge wasn’t interested in any of them.  He has a nice pad, an attractive “celebrity” girlfriend (I’m way too old to actually know who the Saturday’s are) and currently trains by himself at his clubs multi-million pound complex.  He, in all likelihood, will probably not play for Man City all year and pick up £4.5m for the privilege. As of the close of last season, Wayne Bridge was actually amongst the top 50 best paid football players in Europe.  He may be less of a cunt than John Terry, but when the dust settles, he’s still a fucking cunt.

5. Swansea are gonna struggle.
Four games in and yet to find a goal, Swansea looked about as likely to score as an eunuch this weekend against a badly misfiring Arsenal team that still contains the calamitous figure of Laurent Koscielny marshalling their defence.  Whether scything down strikers, being caught out of position or just passing straight to the opposition, Koscielny was indebted to his new centre back and keeper this weekend for somehow keeping a clean sheet.  He was also indebted though to a side that looked about as penetrative as a marshmallow.  Swansea pass the ball well and have some decent players, but if you don’t score at least 40-50 goals a season in this league the simple facts are you’ll go down.  So far their fans can at least cling to the fact that Norwich haven’t started any better and Blackburn look appalling, but it’s still a struggle wondering how any of the other 17 teams will finish below them.  Overall, not a good weekend for the Welsh…

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Three

1.  Wenger is in the last chance saloon.
When Alex Ferguson feels sorry for you... you’ve got real problems.  The most damning thing about Sunday’s extraordinary result was that, the imperious finishing of Young & Rooney aside, this was far from a brilliant Utd performance... it was simply a terrible, terrible Arsenal one.  Infact let me go one step further, the second 45 minutes was the worst, most ill disciplined performance I’ve ever witnessed from a professional football team.  Man Utd could have score 10 goals in the last 30 minutes alone with the likes of Phil Jones at one stage carrying the ball 70 (SEVENTY!) yards unchallenged .  Wenger now has it all to do.  Aside from the obvious transfer activity (or lack of it) he has the biggest job of his life on his hands motivating the team after that showing.  Ferguson would have been tearing strips of those players... Wenger shrugged meekly and said “we might buy a striker.”  He is in the very last chance saloon.  He has two weeks to regroup, get his players back and new players in and make a fist of trying to get back into the top four.  If he doesn’t, or carries on in anything like this recent league form (3 wins in 16 games) – he needs to leave and be thanked for all the money he has made his football club. 

2.  City might just be a threat.
Having avoided writing about them thus far in the vague hope they’d go away, City tore into Spurs this weekend with an attacking quartet the rival of any in world football.  The sight of Nasri, Silva and Aguero floating behind a reborn Edin Dseko was far too much for a Spurs squad who, at the best of times, regard defending as an inconvenience.   It’s far too early to call the title a two horse race when neither of the current “big four” (Chelsea/Pool plus the Manc brothers) have played each other... but a combined goal difference of plus 19 after 3 matches is starting to feel a bit like La Liga. Of course, any team that still includes Gareth Barry in their starting line can’t be truly feared just yet, but City are starting to look like the real deal. 

3.  Charlie Adam is good enough to play for Liverpool.
After a protracted transfer saga Charlie Adam eventually arrived at Liverpool a bit under the radar, such was the size of his fee in comparison to the likes of Downing & Henderson.  In three games though he has forged an impressive partnership with Lucas (who now actually looks like the holding midfielder Benitez thought he was) and given question marks about his fitness, completed 90 minutes in all of them.  He dictated the pace of the game on Saturday with the sort of casual grace that brought back memories of Jan Molby in his pomp.  Adam though, is a better player than Molby.  His corners are the best in the league and one 50 yard cross field pass with the outside of his foot was so good it beggared belief.  Scoring his first goal for the club to boot, Kenny has a hell of a decision to make who to leave out once Stevie G returns.  Chances are, it won’t be his fellow Scot.

4.  The Taylor brothers can play.
Away from the Joey Barton saga and the fact that Alan Pardew could well be the Antichrist; Newcastle have started the season rather nicely with 7 points and only one goal conceded (and that a last minute consolation).  A lot of that success is down to the performances of Ryan and Stephen Taylor at the back.  Both are strong, quick and passionate and have been instrumental in keeping Newcastle watertight thus far.  They can also score, which is always a handy trick in a defender.  Now if Stephen could just learn to cheat properly...

5.  Either I’m a very unlucky gambler, or Blackburn are truly f**ked.
Following my prediction last week to “wade into Blackburn” beating Everton it’s safe to say the Gods were not with me.  Blackburn should and could have won this match four nil.  Tim Howard had another of those games which made you question how he was ever once considered a flop, at times singly handily keeping Blackburn at bay.  But to miss one penalty is bad enough, but two in the same match that you’ve already hit the woodwork three times in?  I mean come on people.  Away from the £5 I threw to the bookies on this result, the loss to Blackburn is probably gonna be far greater.  If you can’t beat Everton in August you have all sorts of problems.  And I’m just not sure Steve Kean and his Kentucky Fried Army have the answers.  And yes, I will keep using that joke.  At least until this video ceases to exist - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYwf2SBWa5o

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week Two

1.  Everton have to hang their heads.

Yes they have no money and can’t really buy more than one player a year, and it’s also true that few premier league managers get more out of their players than David Moyes... but there remains no excuse for looking like people who have forgotten how to play the game at the start of each season.  Everton’s famously poor opening fixture form now extends to almost a decade.  In three of the last four years they have been a top 4 team for the second half of the season.  Surely, surely a change in how their pre-season operates is in order?  Without the excuse of having to integrate new players, the buck must stop with Moyes – who gives the impression of turning up with his team the day before the big kick off and saying “welcome back.”  Next up are Blackburn, who thus far look truly pathetic.  My advice to you gamblers on the list, wade in big on Blackburn... because they’ll win.

2.  Norwich were robbed.
Norwich have every right to feel hard done by after opening fixtures brought them just 2 points which could so easily have been 6.  Full of width and running, they outplayed a sluggish looking Stoke team for over an hour yesterday before a refereeing decision that truly defined “criminal.”  I don’t like slating refs, I prefer to slate whining managers and short sighted pundits, but the decision to send of Leon Barnett and give a penalty for a “tackle” that was two yards outside the box and was never a foul in a million years... well, let’s just say if managers could sue refs it would have been settled out of court 30 seconds after the final whistle.  A horrific decision, it enabled Stoke to push on and eventually claim an equaliser despite missing the undeserved penalty.  Even more horrific was the sight of Tony “please section” Pulis post match claiming “our second half performance deserved to win the game.”  No it didn’t Tony... your performance after the undeserved red card undeservedly deserved to win the game.  Just so we’ve cleared that up...

3.  Arsenal are in real trouble.
I won’t labour this point given every major newspaper has covered it in ludicrous depth this past week, but there’s no denying that Arsenal... and more crucially Wenger... have ran out of excuses.  Dreadful for the vast majority of their three games so far, they’ve managed just one goal in that time and look shorn of creative inspiration, defensive soundness and... yep, here it is again... leadership.  It is that that last word which by now must by the most galling for any supporter.  Arsenal have no leaders, no belief in their ability, no necessary new signings, no cover for their injuries... and are about to enter a week where they play Udinese and Man Utd away.  If they lose both, they’re out of the champions league and bottom of the table.  Ok so it’s a fledging season, but when you consider that their form since the Carling Cup defeat would see them sitting in 15^th – it is not unfair to say this is currently as poor as Arsenal have ever been under Wenger.  Of course, such is the fickle nature of football, that if they win both and actually sign some players who aren’t young, attacking midfielders... all will be forgotten.  But Arsenal fans have every reason to be extremely worried right now.

4.  Lucas Neil. Football’s moral compass.
If footballers have taught me one thing over the years, it’s that they certainly aren’t influenced by money.  Thank heavens then, for Lucas Neil... a man whose continued career choices fly in the face of any desire to actually play football simply for the glory of winning things.  Beginning his career at Milwall, Neil had established himself as a solid, if unspectacular defender.  When Blackburn Rovers inquired about him in the pre-season of 2001, it took Neil a full 24 hours to submit a transfer request from the team who had given him his chance in English football.  Initially a success at Blackburn, Neil stayed relatively loyal for 5 years before watching other teams paying more cash for their stars than Blackburn could.  When his new contract offer wasn’t good enough, Neil again submitted a transfer request and said he would be leaving as a free agent so he could benefit from a signing on fee and command better wages.  Inexplicably, he then turned down an offer from Liverpool (who had just won the Champions League) to get more money playing for West... fucking... Ham.  From here, he again saw out his contract and hopped briefly from Everton (where he was paid a signing on bonus) and then to Galatasary (where he was, again, paid a signing on bonus).  It should come as little surprise then, that despite still being good enough to play top flight football, Neil has just moved to Al Jazira.  Who you ask?  Well they play in the UAE league.  And guess what?  They have lots and lots of money.

(Lucas Neil has never won a trophy)

5.  Raul Meireles is far too good to be on a bench.
King Kenny has done ok so far, in that he hasn’t managed to beat a Sunderland team who contrived to lose at home to Newcastle; and just about triumphed over an Arsenal team that are currently footballs equivalent of an horrifically wounded sheep... but taking that as it is, the continued decision to not start with Raul Meireles smacks a little of stubbornness and a lot like stupidity.  With two good feet, a range of passing and an eye for goal... Meireles is good enough to start for any team in the Premiership.  It is ridiculous then, that Jordan Henderson is keeping him out of Liverpool’s first team.  Indeed, playing a midfield of Henderson, Lucas, Adam and Downing... Kenny has managed to field not a single player who is actually better than the one he has warming the bench.  He came off it at least on Saturday, where he did more in 15 minutes than Henderson had done in 75 and set up the winning goal in the process.  Clearly the Carroll/Downing/Adam long ball axis needs time to gel – but until it does, surely starting with the quick passing and movement of Suarez, Kuyt and Meireles makes far, far more sense.  Still, what do I care, I don’t want them to win owt anyway...

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend - Week One

1.  Cricket is miles more exciting than Football.
Or at least it is judging by the return of Premier League Football.  8 games, none of them even approaching decent, let alone the rip snorters sky would have us believe each match has the potential to be.  As it was, I was left wishing England had toyed with India a little bit more on the way to becoming the pretty much undisputed best test team in the world.  To win in India/Pakistan is the next challenge and a pretty stiff one at that.  But this is a team which bat, bowls and fields for each other and oozes quality, guile and workmanship.  A proud time to be an English cricket fan.

2.  Thank God for Joey Barton.
Joey Barton may be a bigger cock than most of the people who sit in the House of Lords, but if it hadn’t been for him we’d have even less to talk about after a Saturday that gave us around two decent talking points.  As it was Barton was initially stamped upon (presumably for being a cock) by Alex Song.  Just the sort of act, it has to be said, that Arsenal are regularly guilty of despite “never, ever committing fouls.”  Then came the real drama as five acts of scandal took place.  Firstly, a blatant dive by Gervinho (who, it has to be said, looked truly dire in his first appearance).  Secondly, a needless reaction from Barton to haul him to his feet and harass him.  Thirdly, Gervinho’s reaction and girly slap.  Fourthly, Barton’s dramatic fall as if he’d been shot by a sniper rifle.  And fifthly, Wenger’s now beyond boring yet typical reaction that his player “did nothing wrong.”  All in all, a farce that was only added to by Barton “I will never learn, honest” tweeting about it an hour after the match.  And why was he playing anyway?  I thought he’d been thrown out of the club?  Ah Newcastle, the football farce that just keeps giving...

3.  More time saving, less time styling for De Gea.
It remains far too early to judge a 20 year old keeper on his premier league bow but De Gea compounded his shaky start to English football with a pretty ropey display on Sunday, topped off by allowing Long’s tame shot to fly beneath him.   One theory is that he isn’t actually the same person who played for Athletico Madrid.  For starters, he appears to be a good three inches smaller than he should be, as if somebody has just sawn off a section of his legs.  But perhaps the real reason for his indifferent start is bunking practice to style his frankly ridiculous quiff.  The side burns aren’t much cop either and if the youngster wants to be the next Peter Schemical and not the next Massimo Taibi, he may need to trade styling gel for extra shot stopping sessions.

4.  AVB didn’t exactly throw caution to the wind.
Promising a more “fluid, attacking” style to his Chelsea team this season, AVB’s first game saw his players perform exactly like Chelsea did under Ancoletti.  Flashes of brilliance, mostly laboured, solid at the back, flattered to deceive, John Terry reffing the game.  Granted away to Stoke is never an easy game and Fernando Torres did actually appear to be fit; but none of that forgives the once again inexplicable selection of John “Nobe” Mikel.  A man whose performances make about as much sense as that take on his name.  After impressing in pre-season, I for one cannot fathom how the energetic and creative figure of Yossi Benoyoun was completely overlooked.  Malouda still looks like a player who’s forgotten to play football and as Drogba brooded on the bench, thoughts also turned to the alleged talent of Josh McEachran... who may get a game in 2067 once Frank Lampard has died.

5.  Nobody has any real idea what to make of Blackburn.
Predicted for relegation by many (more out of confusion than anything else) Blackburn far from helped their cause on Saturday by losing at home... to Wolves.  Steve Kean remains one of the strangest appointments since the Premiership began.  I’m still not convinced he’s anything but a security guard that has been mistaken for somebody who knows the slightest thing about football.  Either way, Blackburn look in real trouble despite having the funds to buy their way out of it.  They still have a solid enough defensive unit; but any team who start a season with Jason Roberts up front may as well be hoisting a white flag.  It could be a tricky few weeks for Kean’s Kentucky Fried Army... he certainly needs to find a secret ingredient fast or his career will be in the deep fat fryer before somebody can even call him chicken. (I’m so, so sorry)

Until next week... and hopefully some proper action.

5 Things We Learnt From Watching Football This Weekend:

1.  West Ham aren’t going to have it all their own way. 
On paper it looks like West Ham are well positioned to bounce straight back into the big time.  They’ve bought in the experienced and morbidly large head of Sam Allardyce and the far too good for the Championship Kevin Nolan, not to mention managed to retain most of their core squad from last season.  However, the Championship is a tough and unpredictable league and teams will love nothing more than coming to Upton Park and taking points.  So it proved on Sunday when an organised and resilient Cardiff side kept the Hammers at bay, before poaching a late winner via the talismanic figure of mediocrity that is Kenny Miller.  Given West Ham are about as loveable a football club as Rupert Murdoch is a person, I will personally be cheering every point dropped between now and May...

2.  Seaside’s are where the good football is played.
After Blackpool lit up the premier league last season, only time will tell if the likes of Norwich, QPR or (as is more likely) Swansea will approach their task in such an enjoyably swashbuckling way.  In the Championship however, Blackpool have been joined by Gus Poyet’s Brighton.  His team coming from a goal behind to win in the entertaining fashion that they made a habit of last season.  Whether there’s something in the sea air to suggest that coastal teams play with the shackles off and a casual disregard for defence is unclear; but with Southampton also winning with a degree of style all three clubs could do well in what is sure to be an impossibly hard to predict league as always.  And yes, I know Southampton isn’t really a seaside... but at least it’s not Portsmouth.  Or Hull...

3.  Can the Charity (sorry “Community”) Shield be a derby every year?
After a grand total of one good charity shield match in my lifetime, yesterday’s curtain raiser was played with the sort of zest and vigour that only a derby can provide.  Clearly neither team gave two hoots about winning the shield... but they cared deeply about beating the other and getting early season bragging rights.  Surely this can be arranged each year?  If the results don’t throw up a decent match up can’t we vote to just have a derby instead?  Spurs v Arsenal, Pool v Everton... hell... I’d rather watch Villa v Wolves than yet another toothless match up featuring Chelsea and... well anyone.

4.  Tom Cleverly is good enough to play for Man Utd.
Clearly one match is no basis to judge anything, but this could be the season that Tom Cleverly finally kicks on and shows the potential he’s had in his locker all along.  Superb in the Championship two years ago and playing well in a pretty terrible Wigan team last time around, Fergie has this time retained the youngster and for 45 minutes yesterday you could see why.  With the sort of movement and one touch passing that Michael “cocksucker” Carrick can only dream about, Cleverly and Anderson tore into City time and time again after the break, helping to create a marvellous 2^nd goal that was worthy of any stage.  Clearly Utd still need a creative and experienced head to complete their squad, but yesterday’s 2^nd half comeback with an average age of just 23 showed how bright the future might be after all.

5.  Do we really have to endure Gary Neville for an entire season?
Contrary to popular belief, Gary Neville doesn’t “polarise opinion” – most Man Utd fans hate him as well.  A fine servant and passionate supporter, Neville should be applauded for a terrific career in which he made mediocrity an art form.  Whilst he’s clearly a more intelligent footballer than Alan Shearer, Neville is crippled by his consistent desire to state opinions as if they are facts.  We all know he’s going to be a little bit biased, but you can’t just say “City have major problems, I look at Balotelli, I see nothing” without coming across like an angry rival fan.  His stunted banter with Redknapp is beyond awkward, both clearly suppressing the desire to slug it out between advert breaks... indeed the only thing they could agree on is their hatred of footballer of the moment Balotelli.  So, at the risk of sounding like an angry rival fan.  City have major problems... I look at Balotelli, I see nothing.  Except a c**t.