Ryan (4.4 BHA) –
Another defeat, this time at home and Brighton suddenly find themselves looking
over their shoulder at the relegation zone. David Button performed well whilst
Ryan was at the Asian Cup, and it was a slight surprise that the Australian was instantly
recalled and not given a break. His form has been patchy all season and he was
poor again here. Brighton can’t afford to concede three goals in any game, let
alone at home, such is the porosity of their attack. The seagulls have scored
just 28 goals all season, 18 of which have come from Glen Murray and their
centre backs. Chris Hughton has done a fine job on the south coast, but now he
needs his team to show their true colours.
Kolasinac (5.0 ARS)
– A rollercoaster of a performance with an assist, a booking and an own goal,
few players personify Arsenal as much as Kolasinac. 100% for effort, 10% for
nous. A force of nature when in full flow, like an Eastern European Micah
Richards circa 2006-2008. Sadly whilst it’s great to see him in the final third,
it’s also great for opposition attackers, who have a sea of space to exploit
with no Arsenal player often within 20 yards to cover. Defensively he’s
essentially Micah Richards circa 2016-2018. Completely and utterly absent.
Odoi (4.4 FUL) – This
week’s token Fulham spot goes to Denis Odoi, who’s standard ineptitude helped
Manchester United to another three points without even getting out of 3rd
gear. Positionally weak and with a pass completion of barely 70%, Odoi also
thought it was a good idea to continue to show Martial inside on his stronger
foot. Which, you know, worked out quite well for him.
Alonso (6.5 CHE) –
It’s hard to believe that Marcos Alonso actually won a title, so badly has he
been found out defensively this season. Nobody continues to do square pegs in
round holes like Sarri is doing. Setting up almost every player in a formation
that doesn’t play to their strengths. It’s so perverse at this point that it’s
like a man directing a bad porn movie.
Alonso was woeful
against City. He was given a 20 minute lesson from which, by rights, he should
never be allowed to recover. He won a single tackle and a single header all match. He is
shit. Chelsea were fucking shit. A
flat out embarrassment to the club. They have lost their last 3 away games 12-0
and utterly surrendered their top 4 place to a team who were 12 points behind 2
months ago.
The sight of some of their fans chanting at the end that
Liverpool wouldn’t win the league summing up everything that is wrong with this
horrific, poisonous football club.
Cook (4.4 BOU) –
I included Steve Cook last week and saw nothing against Liverpool to convince
me to make him a permanent member until further notice. Cook is too slow, too
shit and too old to play at this level. He needs putting out to pasture.
Looks up Cook’s actual
age
Hold on. He’s only 27? What the actual fuck? How hard a
childhood did this guy have…
Sigurdsson (7.5 EVE)
– 1 goal in 8 matches and 3 assists all season. Sigurdsson is a 50m player
bought to be the creative hub of a team built to put pressure on the top 6. He
was outplayed by Will Hughes. Silva is on borrowed time.
Barkley (5.1 CHE)
– From the current Everton number 10, to the old one. Two awful errors, one of
which resulted in a goal, Ross Barkley used to be politely called inconsistent;
but even that seems generous now. It doesn’t help that Sarri insists on him and
Kovacic being essentially one player who are contractually bound to never be on
the same pitch together. It also doesn’t help that inside left has never been
his position. It helps even less that he has the least bothered front three
ahead of him in decades. But even with those asteroid sized caveats… Ross
Barkley is 25 years old and probably never going to be a great player after
all. Or on this evidence, even a good one.
McArthur (4.8 CRY)
– An absolute howler of a miss sees McArthur sit proudly amongst the anointed
this week. In truth, it probably wasn’t quite as bad as Sergio Aguero’s. But
you know… he then went and scored a hat trick.
Why Sergio… why do you continue to punish me so…
Ozil (8.0 ARS) –
Appearing in this team as opposed to his actual one, is quite possible the most
Ozil thing ever. But I feel compelled to ask at this stage… what on earth is
going on here?
Mesut Ozil has started just 4 of the last 14 Arsenal
matches. He hasn’t started an away game since Crystal Palace back in October.
When he has started, he has often been made captain. He is the highest paid
player in the club and even if he’s on his way out in the summer ala Ramsey,
why not play him given the absolute barren pit of creativity which is Arsenal’s
current spine?
The vague rhetoric from the manager about him is only adding
to the confusion. This is a player who averages a goal or an assist every 140
minutes. Who creates a chance every 25 minutes he’s on the pitch. Fair weather
he might be, but when the sun is shining Ozil remains one of the game’s great
creators. Arsenal only just beat Huddersfield,
the worst team to play in this league for five years… and if they don’t get the
top four there will be some serious and legitimate questions asked about,
ultimately, what the point of Unai Emery is.
Deeney (5.9 WAT) –
Troy Deeney is the captain of a team who are 8th in the table, have
shrugged off multiple managers and have now firmly established themselves as a
worthy member of the new Premier League order. Troy Deeney has also failed to
return a goal or an assist in 17 of his last 19 matches.
What the fuck does Andre Gray have to do to start a football
match?
Long (4.7 SOU) –
If football matches finished after 85 minutes, Saint’s would be mid-table. But
they don’t... and a habit that looked like it had been kicked post Marc Hughes,
returned to brutal effect this weekend. If Jack Stephens was entirely to blame
for Cardiff’s winner – he did at least score a goal moments before. It was
Stephen’s 3rd goal in the past 2 years. The same number as Shane
Long. Who is a striker.
Shane Long has 6 goals in 3 years of football. He has 6
goals for his last one hundred shots
on goal. A conversion rate that my 6 year old could work out.
Keen for new ways to mock one of the most laughable
characters of league football… I checked the stats to see which strikers had a
worse conversion rate over their last 100 shots.
Nobody. There is nobody.
Okay so there’s Christian Benteke who is pretty close on 8%…
and is actually worse over the past 12 months. But going back 100 shots in the
last 3 years of the Premier League there aren’t any other players even in
single figures.
The collective filth that is Joselu and Rondon manage to
scrape to 10%. Mounie? 10%. Morata. 13%.
So to finish… here’s a question…
Which striker in the Premier League has the best goal
conversion rate (25%) from their last 100 shots?
Winner gets… er… I dunno. Brexit.
Happy Hunting
HM
Happy Hunting
HM
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