Pickford (5.0 EVE) – Pickford
is the most British of British sporting heroes. A complete clown who wears his
heart on his sleeve. The Everton stopper had already flirted with danger
already in this match, a side effect of him being more pumped than Ben Johnson
before the 1988 Olympics. The error that led to the 96th winner
however, was truly a howler of epic proportions. I’ve watched the footage back
a few times and I still can’t quite understand what he’s done. Has he just
punched the crossbar? Why would he palm it back into play and not out? Couldn’t
he have just left it? How the fuck was that a Virgil Van Dijk assist?
Pickford will pick himself back up and go again – confidence
being one thing he’s certainly not short on. But this was once again a sobering
end to a Merseyside Derby that Everton must wonder if their luck will ever, ever
turn in.
Alonso (7.1 CHE) – Playing
like a punch drunk boxer, Alonso achieved a clean sheet on Sunday despite being
the worst player on the pitch. Until Morata came on.
I’ve often questioned Alonso positionally – he’s clearly a
left back who wants to be a left winger and that’s fine – but he could at least
try and care about defending when he has to. Going forward though, his usual
forte, this was a horror show of over hit crosses, misplaced passes and tame
shots from 30 yards. His manager was clearly watching the same display as I
was, dragging him with some 15 minutes left to stop him being responsible for,
at that stage, what was looking like an inevitable Fulham equaliser.
Vertonghen (5.9 TOT) –
First things first – what a
football match. This was a game to restore your faith in the the beautiful
game. Goals, drama and above all genuine passion from both sets of players and
fans. Arsenal are reborn under Emery, a team now knitted together with a
rag-abound unity and playing the best second half football across Europe.
For Spurs and Vertonghen this ended as a day to forget. The
Spurs skipper was rightfully dismissed for a silly handball, followed by a
reckless lunge. He was dismal throughout – but was torn apart by the pace and
power of the Arsenal front 3 in the second period.
Spurs remain a curious work in progress – taking one step
forward and one back almost every month. They divide opinion almost across the
board. Has the manager done a wonderful job on a minimal budget, coaxing young bucks
to mature into stallions?
Or you know… has he won absolutely fuck all.
In fairness… both are true.
Yedlin (4.5 NEW) – A
performance so ghastly that had this been the theatre, he would have been booed
off stage. Yedlin was just appalling against West Ham – turned inside and out
by a rampant Anderson, he must have wanted the ground to open up and swallow
him whole. This was a big step back from Newcastle after a mini run. They will
play better and have to – the relegation trap door continues to loom for much
of the bottom half.
Matic (5.0 MUN) – Sporting
the turning circle of a tank, Matic is beginning to resemble a slowly decaying
corpse. Picked by his manager for any game, whatever the circumstances, it’s
hard to see at this stage what Matic is actually doing for the team. Rather he
merely exists – wandering aimlessly like the spectre of a once, great player.
Much like this haunted, crumbling football club.
Defour (5.4 BUR) – Burnley
have given up 90 shots in 4 games to middling opposition and were just
destroyed by the most goal shy club in the Premier League. Palace don’t even
have strikers – they play two centre backs and then essentially nine
midfielders who, in this game, lined up and took turns to take pot shots at Joe
Hart. The Clarets’ are in real danger of relegation – they barely score, they
can’t defend and they have the worst central midfield partnership not just in
the Premier League – but in half the Championship as well. Defour is an ageing
journeyman who needs to be given a firm handshake and a thanks for all your
hard work. If Dyche doesn’t start making tough decisions, and invest in the
club in January, he faces the unique scenario of relegating three England
international goalkeepers in one go.
Ritchie (5.8 NEW) – No
goals, 2 assists and 5 yellow cards in 14 matches. Matt Ritchie is not good
enough to play in the Premier League.
Alli (8.9 TOT) – Back
to his impetuous best against Chelsea… and straight back to his ineffective, snide
worst a week later. Alli is a curious footballer who really does look like he
has the world at his feet one minute; and that he’d rather be stealing fags
with his mates from the local youth club the next. He never got into the game
on Sunday, drifting around the edges like a lazy shark hoping for some spare
chum – before finally getting booked for cynically kicking someone. Spurs need
more from him, more regularly, if they are going to ever shift this tag of
also rans.
Mane (9.9 LIV) – In
many ways Mane was the best player on the pitch yesterday. He was full of
energy and running, his pace and movement were too much for Everton and he got
himself in the right place at the right time to score 3 or 4 goals. The problem
was, is that he didn’t actually score any… he just kept missing. And not half
chances either… I’m talking whites of the eyes, keeper already committed only
Morata would miss these type of moments.
He didn’t even get one on target.
Rondon (5.7 NEW) – Rondon
fired off 7 attempts in Newcastle’s meek surrender to West Ham. He was lively and
full of running throughout. The problem is that like almost every other
Newcastle striker of the past… well… decade… he can’t actually shoot. Just one
shot on target of the 7 is a woeful return. Indeed Rondon has a conversion rate
of just 9% this season and is averaging a goal every 5 hours of football. In
fairness to the lad – that rate was every 6 hours whilst at West Brom – so he’s
on the up…
Lukaku (10.7 MUN) – Fuck
me what a shower of shit Man United are. Lukaku may have scored on Saturday but
only in that clock is right twice a day kind of way. The Belgian was terrible
throughout, unable to pass, unable to dribble and in one near mythical moment
near the end… managing to actually injure himself because of his first touch.
Mark Hughes has just been sacked for only managing to draw
against this football club. That is the state United are currently in.
Oh well. It could be worse. You could be Morata. Any of us… could
be Morata.
I mean… this would have missed THREE goals on top of each
other. From 5 yards.
Wanker.
HM
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