Ryan (4.5 BHA) – Zero
saves in a 3-1 loss gets you a one way ticket to the Team of the Weak. The
Australian stopper has been in fine form of late, but this was an abject
display where his main contribution was picking the ball out of the net.
Stephens (4.4 SOU) – The
Saints defence were collectively woeful against a rampant City, but Jack
Stephens was the stinkiest, shittiest of shits in an all shit sandwich. The Southampton
centre back completed… wait for it… zero tackles… zero recoveries… zero
interceptions and… you’ve guessed it… zero blocks. He did win two headers… but
one of these was in the opposition box.
I don’t care if you’re playing Manchester City. Chesterfield
Town or the Brazil 1970 side… if you’re posting those sort of stats you need to
be taken out the team and made to train with the under 11s never mind the
bloody reserves.
Van Dijk (5.9 LIV) – I
had my doubts about Van Dijk – you always keep a closer eye on players with a
heavy price tag whether you can help it or not… but my god is he earning his
crust at the back. The Dutchman is a towering colossus who has near single handed
transformed Liverpool’s back line from open mic at the comedy club to like
getting blood from a stone.
What’s he in here for then? Not his defending no – but for a
guy who rises like a salmon and gets his head on countless attacking set pieces…
he really should score more goals. He could and perhaps should have had a hat trick
this Saturday and ultimately that was the difference between Liverpool running
out comfortable winners and drawing the game. Van Dijk has 1 goal from his last
51 attempts – which is pathetic numbers for a centre back as talented as he is.
If he wants he to take his status from best out and out
defender in the league to evil genius like Sergio Ramos… he needs to find goals
to be the icing on his obscenely talented cake.
Lowton & Taylor
(4.4/4.7 BUR) – Burnley are in a helpless, hopeless rut. They are given up
chances faster than you can say Fulham and lie just outside the relegation zone
having conceded 13 goals in 3 games. That goals against column stands at 25 in
total and the main source of their problem appears to be their full backs.
Tarkowksi and Mee boast an impressive array of stats the envy of any pairing in
the bottom half of the table… but this is not the case for messrs Lowton &
Taylor. The pair are winning less than two thirds of their tackles, barely 50%
of their headers and getting in less blocks than a frozen Tetris game.
They are playing shit.
Hughes (5.0 WAT) – Hughes
is passing the eye test and failing spectacularly the end product test right
now. The Englishman has a goal involvement of 448 minutes this season – the worst
in the entire Watford forward line. And midfield line. And er… most of the
defensive line as well. Shape up Hughesy – you’re not managing Southampton.
Son (8.3 TOT) – There’s
something delightfully perverse about watching a footballer suffer the
indignity of being a sub who is subbed off. This example however, truly outdid itself
in the macabre. The South Korean, who in all honesty has been dreadful since freeing
himself of military duty, came on in the 7th minute for the injured
Dembele and was then removed from action with Spurs two nil up. This wasn’t the
final few minutes though… or even the last ten… Son was dragged in the 58th minute of the match
having played just 51 of them. No wonder he looked pissed off. Especially as
Wolves almost drew the game shortly after he left.
Mkhitaryan (6.7 ARS) –
A player who is currently just wandering aimlessly around the pitch like a
hobo. What is he doing out there? Can we blame Alexis Sanchez for killing two
careers not one with his wilful greed and delusions of grandeur? You’re making
Alex Iwobi look good for fucks sake. Alex Iwobi.
Alex… Iwobi.
Barkley (5.9 CHE) – An
inevitable “whoops there goes gravity” performance from Barkley after his match
winning display last week. Few players over the past 5 years have given such a
convincing lesson of inconsistency. Barkley lost the ball 5 times, created no
chances and had 1 shot before being dragged off the pitch with his tail between
his legs.
Firmino (9.2 LIV) – 6
games without a goal, Firmino has become less a false 9 and more of a lost 9. This
seems to be partly down to a loss of form, but also as a result of a change of
formation which has seen Liverpool play with what their manager likes to call “two
6’s.” This seems to have had a knock on effect to the Brazilian, who is letting
Salah run in behind more and more and dropping deeper to do… well… er nothing
really. Milner and the full backs are often further up the pitch than him and
it’s hard to see what he’s currently offering in this role.
Mitrovic (6.7 FUL) – Possibly
the only player in FPL history to suffer a double drop in the next game week,
before he had even played in the previous one… Mitrovic was full value for that
lack of support from the online community in MNF. Fulham were bad, but the
Serbian was pathetic. He at least had the decency to be invisible in
the first half… as opposed to the second when he was just a nuisance to his own
team. Losing the ball one minute, being caught offside the next, he even managed
to throw in a pointless yellow (seriously, did he just ask the referee to book him?)
You’re playing Huddersfield mate. I mean, I know you don’t
get to play against your own defence and for that I’m sorry… but if you look
this fucking shit against this lot you’re not fit to wear the shirt.
Liverpool up next for this shower. Lock up your children.
Happy Hunting
HM
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