The Pre-Season Ramble

With the new Premier League Season almost upon us, and the Championship already up and running (welcome Newcastle fans) - it is time for the Monkey to turn his withering eye to the state of the teams ready to do battle in what promises to be the most open title race in... well ever.

After Leicester showed the world that literally anyone can now win this league, making any predictions for the new season come with the almost obligatory caveat of “or... you know... maybe not.”

This season, over half the teams involved are either welcoming new managers, or managers who have yet to manage in the Premier League. If that sounds like a tongue twister - go and ask the average person on the street who now manages Swansea, Sunderland, Everton, Watford and Hull. And see how many get it correct. 

There is a flipside to the current managerial merry go round though. For the first time in history, the Premier League has the greatest selection of top flight managers in the game competing for the holy grail of a lost King in a carpark. Pep, Jose, Klopp, Wenger, Poch, Conte - never before have the top six elect had such big names at the helm. Arguably only Carlo and Simone are missing from the big names of managerial juggernaughts.

Just think for a moment that one of those managers has to finish at least 6th. And that’s even before you factor in Leicester or West Ham. A team who’s move to the Olympic Stadium had clearly gone to their head as they slapped down a comical £40m bid for James Rodriguez.

So who is going to win it and who is going to go down? The Monkey will lay bare his full and complete table at the end of this summary. I urge nobody to place bets on this and come knocking on my door. Remember... it might not happen.

The Main Contenders

Welcome to Manchester Pep & Jose... and welcome to several new signings. Both managers have gone about their pre-season work in the manner you would expect of their reputations. Pep by adding 17 new midfielders to his squad, telling his current central midfielders they will now be considered centre backs and putting an arm around Raheem Sterling and telling him he will be playing lots of lots of meaningless cup games this season. 

Jose on the other hand, has looked at his current squad and highlighted the obvious weakness in it. Centre back, centre mid, a creator and a goal scorer. He has filled those positions with a proven warrior, the best pure midfielder in the world, the best conductor in the German league last season and the world’s 3rd best striker after Messi and Ronaldo.

Or if you prefer, with a barely proven centre back, the most overpriced player in the history of the game, a lightweight European from a club who’s players consistently fail in the Premier League and a striker who is so old he can get to the ground with a free bus pass.

Beyond the Manchester duo lies Wenger and his glorious one signing that nobody has heard of yet still cost £35m. It’s ok though Arsenal fans... this is the year when the Ox and Theo are finally going to come good. And Jack Wilshire is going to stay fi... ah who am I kidding I can’t even type this shit. Spurs look good right though? I mean they haven’t really signed anyone either bar a very good back up striker so Harry Kane is allowed a day off every now and again. Oh and Wanyama. Who is in no way shape of form a better player than Dier or Dembele. But never mind that. They have Toby and Eriksen and Lamela still. Who might one day be the best player in the world. I think. Someone told me once. I’ve forgotten now.

And what about Liverpool? Surely there is no better recipe for success than buying players who got relegated last season? Taking a midfield of talented, sprightly players who lacked any sort of consistency and adding... what’s that... three more of those exact type of players? Oh. Still, they just beat Barca 4-0 a few hours after Messi had put all his tax payment on black... so you know, it’s probably their year.

And finally there’s Chelsea. Who are bidding £70m for a player they let go a few years ago. What’s going on? You wouldn’t catch Manchester United doing that. Silly Chelsea. And you still have John Terry has your first choice centre back. Really? You’re sticking with that? Okay then... good luck to you. At least Hazard looks like he cares again, which should mean they are more entertaining to watch if nothing else. I Kante get enough of them this season. Honest.

The Chasing Pack

It seems ridiculous to put the Champions of England in the chasing pack... but that is what they are. For Leicester to win one title was the stuff of fairy tales, if they won another I think every bookie in the world would pack up and start betting on politics instead. No wait that’s not gonna work either... Where was I? Oh yes Leicester. What a team, what a manager. A manager who has seemingly gone with the tactic of hoping everybody forgot how to play against his team from last season by buying lots of really young, promising and quick as lightening attackers so they can, here’s a tip everyone, SIT BACK AND KILL YOU ON THE COUNTER. Personally I hope they do it all over again. For Danny Drinkwater if nothing else. England’s best player in the Euros.

Who else could possible get in the top four I hear you ask? Well what about West Ham? They still have Payet, who is a player who everybody now wants to make love to. And they’ve just splashed out £20 on Ayew, he’ll being something. Goals, gold, something. And if that doesn’t work they have Mark Noble, capped 100 times by England and having recently written an autobiography entitled “why I was better than Gerrard & Lamps.. or at least Joey Barton for fucks sake.”

Behind them we have Saints and Everton - one of them managed by Ronald Koeman and both filled with enough talent that if they can retain it and kick on anything is possible. And then there is Stoke. Who will finish mid table. Absolute mid table. I can’t stress that enough.

The Relegation Scrappers

Hull are relegated. Let’s not dwell on that point any further. They have no manager, 12 fit senior players and play their football in Hull. Thanks for coming. Of the other new boys, Middlesborough look the slightly better equipped owing to a very sold defence, some proven attackers and the wondrous talent of Fischer on the wing. Watch this space, he is going to light up this league at least once every six games. Burnley though do have Andre Gray up front, who scored 23 goals in the Championship last season and 9 completely meaningless goals in pre-season to date. 

Who else then? Watford? Certainly if those front two don’t get started they’re in trouble and they have an opening set of fixtures that must have their fans watching from behind the sofa’s until October. Swansea have just sold Ayew and bought... I’m sorry... they’ve just bought Fernando Llorente? THE Fernando Llorente who everybody wanted to buy? Oh wait that was five years ago. He’s 31 now and scored 16 goals in his last 81 matches. Or to put it another way, 78 goals more than Jozy Altidore managed for Sunderland. Remember him? No... I thought not. He plays in Canada now. Canada. I’m not even sure it’s a real country.

I think that’s everyone right? Oh no wait there a few more. Bournemouth and their young, handsome English manager elect Eddie Howe? They have lots of spirit, some great attacking players and have just made Jordan Ibe their record signing! I know right? How exciting is that! Okay I’ll move on, who else? Palace that’s who... let’s not talk about them too much, it will only go to Pardew’s head. 

All of which leaves Tony Pulis and West Brom. And on that bombshell, I bid you farewell and leave you with the official Hindu Monkey predicted final league table for the 2016/17 season.

1. Manchester City
2. Manchester United
3. Liverpool
4. Chelsea
5. Arsenal
6. Spurs
7. West Ham
8. Leicester
9. Everton
10. Stoke
11. Southampton
12. Crystal Palace
13. West Brom
14. Middlesbrough
15. Sunderland
16. Bournemouth
17. Swansea
18. Watford
19. Burnley
20. Hull

Or you know... maybe not...

Happy Hunting

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