The Alternative Teams of the Season

With the dust settling on a Premier League season that could be politely described as “mediocre” and impolitely described as “fucking wank, really, really fucking  wank” – what better way to tie up the loose ends and jet off on my holidays then presenting my alternative teams of the season. You know, because the official PFA one was really boring. And essentially just Chelsea plus Coutinho. For absolutely no reason.

The Good

Adrian – The West Ham stopper can lay claim to being the most underrated in the league. He seamlessly replaced the safe hands of Jussi Jaaskelainen last season and has impressed further in this one. 13 clean sheets and 3 penalty saves is a fine effort, especially for a team who essentially gave up playing three months ago. The now inevitable new West Ham manager will apparently have the words “attack, attack, attack” written into his contract; so it is unlikely that West Ham will be so sound defensively next year. The good news for whoever that might be, is that they will at least have an established and safe pair of hands from which to build from.

Fonte – The selection of Gary Cahill over the Southampton captain was arguably the most glaring error of the PFA team of the year. Fonte has driven his team to a staggering 15 clean sheets in the 36 matches he has played. For a team which was ripped up and sold to the highest bidder last summer, Southampton have been the success story of the season. Their captain has been at the heart of that, and has proved to be a ludicrously underrated player once again. 

Williams – The second captain in the list, and co-star of my team of the season behind Southampton. Swansea have been a terrific breath of fresh air once again this year, with Gary Monk carrying on the good work of the managers behind him. Williams has played every minute of every game after committing his future to the club. 13 clean sheets and an 8^th place finish is rich reward for a team with flair as well as stability. Sooner or later it shouldn’t be a surprise to see Swansea playing so well.

Huth – The signing of the January transfer window, it always felt that Robert Huth was abandoned a little early by Stoke and so it proved following his move across the midlands to assist in Leicester’s promotion bid. The rock from which their great escape has been built on; with Huth on the pitch, Leicester have now not conceded a goal in nine hours of football. That’s right. Nine hours. Extraordinary. 

Rose – The one chink of light in a Spurs defence that still suffer from an alarming inability to defend. Rose has been as good as any attacking defender this year with 3 goals, 5 assists and a genuine sense of adventure coupled with excellent delivery. At just 24 and having been at the club since he was a teenager, he has made the Spurs recruitment policy of “just keep buying full backs” look every bit as stupid as it sounded.

Cambiasso – Four well taken goals from deep have helped his team, but aside from that, Cambiasso has brought class and composure to a Leicester team that for too long coasted by on sheer emotion. Will he stay for another season? One certainly hopes so. With him and Robert Huth, Nigel Pearson can make genuine claims for the two best signings of the season. Especially when you consider he didn’t pay a penny for either of them.

Bolaise – An absolute livewire, if Neil Warnock deserves credit for one thing this season, it’s unleashing the Congolese winger on Premier League defences. Bolaise has injected the league with a sprinkling of unpredictability in a season lacking it. Just as likely to fall over as is score a hat-trick, he has improved further under Pardew and his 12 assists, to go with this 4 goals, are an indication of his growing maturity and eventual end product.

Silva – A staggering omission from the team of the year, the Spaniard has been the stand out performer in a City side which has often flattered to deceive. His career best stats of 12 goals and 12 assists are more than the player of the year Eden Hazard, without the aid of penalties. Silva has pulled the strings all season for City and can be considered blameless for the limp surrender of their Premier League title.

Young – You would have got long odds on the best outfield player under Louis Van Gaal being Ashley Young, but that is the state of play as United trundle to a fourth place finish without breaking sweat and not even letting their star signing get a game. Young impressed in the wing back system whilst others floundered, but has come into his own during the last third of the season as Van Gaal finally rolled out his preferred 4-3-3. Young has been involved in 8 of the last 10 United goals and was their best player against City, Chelsea and Arsenal. Roy Hodgson take note. Or you know, just ignore and pick the chronically out of form Sterling instead.

Austin – 17 goals and more direct involvement than any other player in the league, Austin has carried QPR this season and it just a shame that, when it mattered, they couldn’t carry him in return. A lot of clubs in the league could, and will, do a lot worse in the summer transfer window than make a line for Charlie.

Aguero – A force of nature in full flow, Aguero has plundered 25 goals for City and will finish the season with the Golden Boot. The best striker in the league and probably deserving of a better support cast than Navas, Milner, Fernando and the sulking figures of Nasri and Toure. If City are going to win the title again next year, keeping Aguero fit and playing in the right formation is absolutely imperative.

The Bad

Szczesny – Started the season poorly and eventually lost his place to Ospina. Arsenal started the season in largely miserable form and Szczesny shouldered a lot of the weight of that. 3 clean sheets from 18 matches is not good enough for a team chasing the title, and the form of his replacement since, suggests that Wenger made the correct call in giving his former number one the second half of the season off.

Caulker – Tipped as a future England captain a few years back, that claim now looks even more laughable than Garth Crooks’ bizarre call this morning for Hodgson to hand the armband to Smalling. Caulker has now got relegated in successive seasons and has conceded 135 goals at a rate of one every 45 minutes over the last two years. It’s almost as if he used to play for Spurs, the home of great defenders…

Williamson – A truly embarrassing season got even worse last week when it ended with him being accused of deliberately getting sent off. Williamson has been at the heart of a rancid Newcastle defence in 2015 and can have no excuses if his side goes down. Only the complete ineptitude of Hull City’s strike force looks set to spare Newcastle blushes.

Kompany – Looks to have lost a yard of pace as the injuries have mounted up and finishes the season unable to get back into a side that includes the 34 year old Demichelis and the risible Mangala. A proper pre-season will help, but City need their captain back to challenge again. Even if his middle name is Jean.

Every single Liverpool fullback – Over the course of the season Liverpool have fielded Johnson, Sakho, Toure, Manquillo, Enrique, Henderson, Ibe, Moreno, Markovic and even the great young hope of English footballers just ready to flatter to deceive for the next decade, Raheem Sterling at full back or wing back. None of them have done a job good enough to resist calls that both positions need to be filled in earnest this summer. Moreno at least has youth and attacking thrust on his side, which may just about be enough to cover up his desperate positional naivety. Most of the other genuine defenders should be sold to raise funds for… I’m sorry I’ve got ahead of myself. People paying money for Glen Johnson? It’s just too laughable isn’t it. I mean… I haven’t even mentioned Dejan Lovren for fucks sake.

Ben Arfa – After falling out with Pardew over the summer, Ben Arfa signed for Hull on loan on deadline day. After playing just a handful of games though he unexpectedly left the country with his own manager declaring that he had “no idea” where he was and that his Hull career was over. Newcastle tore up his contract soon after that and he then had a move to Nice blocked by FIFA because you can only play for two clubs in a season. He has since considering retiring from football, having just turned 28. A genuine disgrace to the game.

Cabella – 24 years old and 22 goals over two seasons with Montpellier, one of which helped win the league title for the first time in the clubs history, Cabella was tipped by many to be one of the signings of the pre-season. He wasn’t. He’s scored once and has been absolutely dreadful in almost every game. Plus he has utterly ridiculous hair.

Townsend – Hasn’t completed 90 minutes once all season. Has scored two league goals, one of which was a penalty and cannot get in a team that gave up playing football two months ago. Why don’t you tweet that Andros.

Di Maria/Falcao – Including wages, the simple fact is that Manchester United have paid close to £100m to employ the services of Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao. Between them they have mustered 7 league goals, none of which have come since January, at a rate of one every 415 minutes. Or, to look at it another way, a goal every £13m. If Falcao’s form can be excused with a sympathetic nod towards his career threatening injury, the form of Di Maria has been woeful. More so when you consider that he actually started the season playing really well. Since a spell out of the team in the Autumn though, Di Maria has been a shadow of his former self. His confidence low, his effort and commitment even lower, but above all else his inability to pass the ball, at times but a few yards, has been one of the most extraordinary things I’ve ever witnessed. The Premier league needs star players to survive, but if the rejected galacticos are coming over here to coast around and collect an easy pay cheque, then something is very, very wrong indeed.

Welbeck – Touch harsh? Probably. Welbeck certainly hasn’t been the worst striker in the league this season (that man’s up next), but he’s in here because for all the huff and puff, he ends the season in exactly the same position in which he started it. Welbeck moved from United to Arsenal because he wanted to play through the middle and be given a run of games in his “preferred position.” Even when it is clear to everyone bar him that his best position remains as wide forward. Welbeck was given a run of games to stake his claim but the return of Oliver Giroud, and the imperious form of the Frenchman since then, has put all that to bed again. Welbeck, who has scored just four league goals at a rate of one every seven hours, now finds himself once again as a second choice player in a squad which is only going to get stronger over the summer. Still… Sunderland might sign him again. Chin up laddie.

Balotelli – 16 games, 1 goal. Stats only tell half the story in what has to be considered the worst Premier League signing over the last five years. Replacing Luis Suarez was never going to be easy, but taking a look at a man who was quick, tenacious, driven and a complete leader on the pitch and deciding to sign someone who was the complete opposite was quite palpably not the answer. Balotelli is a distraction off the pitch and a disgrace on it. He has now scored just twice in his last 27 hours of Premier League football. It took Saido Mane less than three minutes to beat that total on Saturday. Who will buy him now is a mystery, but keeping him within the squad is as dangerous as it is ridiculous. I don’t care how much of a loss they make on him, Balotelli’s contract needs to be torn up and his bag packed for him. All the other players on this list have at least, to various degrees, tried. They have run, they have harried, they have failed in numerous ways. But they have not just stepped on to the pitch with a puffed out chest like a God and not given a flying fuck about what happens. The stats don’t lie Mario. You are an absolutely terrible player.

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