1. Pass the hammer Hammers.
It’s time to nail the coffin of Big Sam shut for good.
With the festive season departing like the sun over the ever lengthening days, few clubs fared worse than West Ham over the season of goodwill. And by few… I mean none. A solitary point from four games was not what any fan would have wished for this Christmas; and it is has left the club 19th in the table, three points from safety and bereft of ideas as to how to arrest the decline. Sam Allardyce was never welcomed with open arms by the Upton Park faithful. West Ham fans are many things… (insert any expletive in here you want) but they at least expect their club to play something approaching vaguely entertaining football. Ironically, West Ham’s current slump has seen them playing better going forward again. They have scored in all of their recent fixtures and have looked quicker and more creative than during a November slump that saw them play almost entirely without a centre forward. Injuries have not helped at the back, but football is a fickle business and if you spend most of your transfer budget on a striker with a dodgy injury record you’re asking for trouble if he’s never… ever… fit. The truth is that nobody would miss Big Sam from football and whilst it’s hopelessly wishful thinking that this will be his last job, it may well be his last… um… medium one. The “tackle” from the previously peerless Kevin Nolan today showed exactly how bad things at West Ham now are. To see any of your players, let alone your captain, lash out in that way, clearly frustrated despite the game not even being half over and the scores level, said everything you need to know about the draining hope of this once great football club. Any by once great. I mean when my Dad was a fucking teenager. Big Sam has been sacked unfairly before, but if his porn hustling owners decide to toss him off the Premier League pile this month he will, quite literally, have had it coming.
With the festive season departing like the sun over the ever lengthening days, few clubs fared worse than West Ham over the season of goodwill. And by few… I mean none. A solitary point from four games was not what any fan would have wished for this Christmas; and it is has left the club 19th in the table, three points from safety and bereft of ideas as to how to arrest the decline. Sam Allardyce was never welcomed with open arms by the Upton Park faithful. West Ham fans are many things… (insert any expletive in here you want) but they at least expect their club to play something approaching vaguely entertaining football. Ironically, West Ham’s current slump has seen them playing better going forward again. They have scored in all of their recent fixtures and have looked quicker and more creative than during a November slump that saw them play almost entirely without a centre forward. Injuries have not helped at the back, but football is a fickle business and if you spend most of your transfer budget on a striker with a dodgy injury record you’re asking for trouble if he’s never… ever… fit. The truth is that nobody would miss Big Sam from football and whilst it’s hopelessly wishful thinking that this will be his last job, it may well be his last… um… medium one. The “tackle” from the previously peerless Kevin Nolan today showed exactly how bad things at West Ham now are. To see any of your players, let alone your captain, lash out in that way, clearly frustrated despite the game not even being half over and the scores level, said everything you need to know about the draining hope of this once great football club. Any by once great. I mean when my Dad was a fucking teenager. Big Sam has been sacked unfairly before, but if his porn hustling owners decide to toss him off the Premier League pile this month he will, quite literally, have had it coming.
2. It is no longer an
achievement to win at Old Trafford.
Man Utd have been on a good run of late we’ve been told. Six victories on the trot, of which at least one was convincing and none of which were against teams near them in the table. This was the test though. This was a game against, wait for it, a Spurs team managed by a rookie playing in a formation so open you could have picked holes in it with a spoon. A Spurs team whose best player… was Adeboyer. I don’t know what the phrase is for David Moyes, but he is the antitheses of a big game manager. A scrappy win, with a solitary shot, against a jaded and shattered Arsenal remains the only notable achievement of Utd’s Premier League “defence.” When Utd come up against a team who can either a) pass the ball or b) run fast they look completely lost. I’m not going to labour this point, because anyone who watches a live Man Utd game at the moment can see within ten minutes how uniquely average they now are. The title challenge is a farce, the top four a pipe dream and 6th spot remains the absolute highest the club will achieve this season. To see Wayne Rooney playing the last ten minutes of a game Utd were losing, in defence, spraying balls into the Spurs box with absolutely nobody there was one of the most surreal experiences of my football viewing career. David Moyes had an impossible job on his hands, but he continues to fuck it up week by week by week. The best any Utd fan can now hope for is a summer retaining core stars, buying new ones and shipping out the dead weight ready for a genuine challenge again next year. For most that dead weight now begins with the manager.
Man Utd have been on a good run of late we’ve been told. Six victories on the trot, of which at least one was convincing and none of which were against teams near them in the table. This was the test though. This was a game against, wait for it, a Spurs team managed by a rookie playing in a formation so open you could have picked holes in it with a spoon. A Spurs team whose best player… was Adeboyer. I don’t know what the phrase is for David Moyes, but he is the antitheses of a big game manager. A scrappy win, with a solitary shot, against a jaded and shattered Arsenal remains the only notable achievement of Utd’s Premier League “defence.” When Utd come up against a team who can either a) pass the ball or b) run fast they look completely lost. I’m not going to labour this point, because anyone who watches a live Man Utd game at the moment can see within ten minutes how uniquely average they now are. The title challenge is a farce, the top four a pipe dream and 6th spot remains the absolute highest the club will achieve this season. To see Wayne Rooney playing the last ten minutes of a game Utd were losing, in defence, spraying balls into the Spurs box with absolutely nobody there was one of the most surreal experiences of my football viewing career. David Moyes had an impossible job on his hands, but he continues to fuck it up week by week by week. The best any Utd fan can now hope for is a summer retaining core stars, buying new ones and shipping out the dead weight ready for a genuine challenge again next year. For most that dead weight now begins with the manager.
3. The title is a
three horse race.
Liverpool were hard done by against City and Chelsea, much as I’d love to sit here in my ivory blog and say otherwise. But none of that changes the fact they lost both games and remain a squad that is too thin to challenge for the top honour. With 18 games to go the eventual winner of an entertainingly unpredictable (rather than actually… entertaining) Premier League will be either Chelsea, Arsenal or Manchester City. The latter remain the team to beat as they possess the deepest squad, the deepest pockets and a frightening amount of firepower when the team is on song. City were average this festive period, never once getting into top gear. They scored 10 goals in four games and won all of them. Chelsea aren’t exactly dark horses, but remain curiously enigmatic given they have played terribly for 75% of the season and find themselves 2 points off the top. Now that Jose has cast off his shackles and vowed to play even more defensively than before, they cannot be written off despite only Hazard and Oscar being remotely in form all season long. Finally we come to Arsenal, who are still very much in the mix. Which is probably a curious phrase to use about a team who have led the table from September onwards. Arsenal don’t possess a strong record against the teams around them, but given the slip ups of their rivals to date it may not matter. The Gunners could easily have drawn their last two games and found themselves in 3rd spot. But, finally, this Arsenal appear to be made of sterner stuff. And I don’t just mean Mathieu Flamini. The Arsenal of the last few seasons would never have taken six points from their last two games and they remain a real threat in what any neutral hopes is a title fight that will go all the way to the wire.
Liverpool were hard done by against City and Chelsea, much as I’d love to sit here in my ivory blog and say otherwise. But none of that changes the fact they lost both games and remain a squad that is too thin to challenge for the top honour. With 18 games to go the eventual winner of an entertainingly unpredictable (rather than actually… entertaining) Premier League will be either Chelsea, Arsenal or Manchester City. The latter remain the team to beat as they possess the deepest squad, the deepest pockets and a frightening amount of firepower when the team is on song. City were average this festive period, never once getting into top gear. They scored 10 goals in four games and won all of them. Chelsea aren’t exactly dark horses, but remain curiously enigmatic given they have played terribly for 75% of the season and find themselves 2 points off the top. Now that Jose has cast off his shackles and vowed to play even more defensively than before, they cannot be written off despite only Hazard and Oscar being remotely in form all season long. Finally we come to Arsenal, who are still very much in the mix. Which is probably a curious phrase to use about a team who have led the table from September onwards. Arsenal don’t possess a strong record against the teams around them, but given the slip ups of their rivals to date it may not matter. The Gunners could easily have drawn their last two games and found themselves in 3rd spot. But, finally, this Arsenal appear to be made of sterner stuff. And I don’t just mean Mathieu Flamini. The Arsenal of the last few seasons would never have taken six points from their last two games and they remain a real threat in what any neutral hopes is a title fight that will go all the way to the wire.
The Wire. What a show that was. I wish that was back on
television. I mean real drama isn’t whether a super-rich, overpriced football
club from London can win the fucking Premier League. When that show said “the
game is the game” – they sure as hell didn’t mean football did they?
They meant chess. Apparently.
4. Walter Szczesny is
coming of age.
There are few more maligned figures in football than that of the young goalkeeper. It used to be that keepers would not fully settle into their game until they were at least 30, hitting their best years long after their outfield counterparts ever would. Nowadays anybody who shows a hint of talent is thrust into the spotlight straight away and slammed if they make mistakes based on “errors of judgement.” Having come through his difficult patch, the form of Szczesny has slipped under the radar this year in an Arsenal team filled with players fighting for the “most improved Thor” award. The Polish shot stopper has kept a clean sheet almost every other game and has made 62 saves in his 20 matches to date. To put that into perspective Petr Cech has made 43, Tim Howard 51, Hugo Loris 56, David de Gea 57, Tim Krul 60. Indeed only three keepers have made more saves this season (David Marshall has made an incredible 81) and none of them boast a better shot to save ratio than Szczesny. His decision making has improved, his organisation has improved and well… Arsenal have improved. He may well make another mistake before the season is out. But as I’ve said for many a year, it is not attackers who win you title’s but defenders… and a keeper playing like this is the cornerstone to any such claim. Although it’s been a while since he slammed Spurs for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I mean he’s not even from London? Coming over here, stealing our jobs…
There are few more maligned figures in football than that of the young goalkeeper. It used to be that keepers would not fully settle into their game until they were at least 30, hitting their best years long after their outfield counterparts ever would. Nowadays anybody who shows a hint of talent is thrust into the spotlight straight away and slammed if they make mistakes based on “errors of judgement.” Having come through his difficult patch, the form of Szczesny has slipped under the radar this year in an Arsenal team filled with players fighting for the “most improved Thor” award. The Polish shot stopper has kept a clean sheet almost every other game and has made 62 saves in his 20 matches to date. To put that into perspective Petr Cech has made 43, Tim Howard 51, Hugo Loris 56, David de Gea 57, Tim Krul 60. Indeed only three keepers have made more saves this season (David Marshall has made an incredible 81) and none of them boast a better shot to save ratio than Szczesny. His decision making has improved, his organisation has improved and well… Arsenal have improved. He may well make another mistake before the season is out. But as I’ve said for many a year, it is not attackers who win you title’s but defenders… and a keeper playing like this is the cornerstone to any such claim. Although it’s been a while since he slammed Spurs for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I mean he’s not even from London? Coming over here, stealing our jobs…
5. The half time
report leaves many unanswered questions.
If the title race is a three horse sprint and the remaining Champions League spot the battle for Merseyside, it is becoming increasingly less clear who will join Sunderland in the Championship next year. Despite a much needed victory over Everton this Boxing Day, the Black Cats were indebted to Tim Howard being sent off early and got back to losing ways pretty quick today by once again, inexplicably trusting Jozy Altidore to score the goals required for them to win a game. Crystal Palace are reborn under Tony Pulis and whilst West Ham are struggling, they at least possess some spending power to buy the players to see them to safety. The reality is anyone from Hull in 10th could still get relegated and just 6 points separate 8 clubs in the lower echelons of the table. Swansea are surely too good to go down, although they keep losing matches. Villa’s solitary world class player can no longer score any goals. Stoke are managed by Mark Hughes, who would never, ever, get a club relegated. And then there are West Brom, Fulham, Cardiff and Norwich. Two of which don’t have a manager, one of which now has three and the other one is somehow still in a job despite spending more money on strikers than 18 of the 20 Premier League clubs and scoring… wait for it… 17… goals… so… far. My tips to go down? Sunderland. Palace. And Norwich.
If the title race is a three horse sprint and the remaining Champions League spot the battle for Merseyside, it is becoming increasingly less clear who will join Sunderland in the Championship next year. Despite a much needed victory over Everton this Boxing Day, the Black Cats were indebted to Tim Howard being sent off early and got back to losing ways pretty quick today by once again, inexplicably trusting Jozy Altidore to score the goals required for them to win a game. Crystal Palace are reborn under Tony Pulis and whilst West Ham are struggling, they at least possess some spending power to buy the players to see them to safety. The reality is anyone from Hull in 10th could still get relegated and just 6 points separate 8 clubs in the lower echelons of the table. Swansea are surely too good to go down, although they keep losing matches. Villa’s solitary world class player can no longer score any goals. Stoke are managed by Mark Hughes, who would never, ever, get a club relegated. And then there are West Brom, Fulham, Cardiff and Norwich. Two of which don’t have a manager, one of which now has three and the other one is somehow still in a job despite spending more money on strikers than 18 of the 20 Premier League clubs and scoring… wait for it… 17… goals… so… far. My tips to go down? Sunderland. Palace. And Norwich.
Hindu Monkey Team of
the Season so far:
Szczesny
Coleman Mertesacker Lovren Shaw
Lallana Ramsey Barry Hazard
Suarez Aguero
Manager: Martinez
Coleman Mertesacker Lovren Shaw
Lallana Ramsey Barry Hazard
Suarez Aguero
Manager: Martinez
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