Week Four - The Key Issues

This week’s blog has been re-financed by Monaco tax laws and, as such, changes direction once more to bring you a smattering of football related titbits in an ever more obvious attempt to be cynically entertaining.

So let’s crack on.

How much does it Costa to win the title?

Around £60m to be precise. For that money, Chelsea secured the two players available who would improve their team, and in particular the style in which Jose plays, more than any others. The season may be only four games old, but barring injury you’d be hard pushed to find an intelligent football fan betting against the following outcomes.

Chelsea to win the league.
Costa to finish top scorer.
Fabregas to have the most assists.
Both players to be on the shortlist for footballer of the year.

Costa has scored 7 in 4, Fabregas has assisted 5 of those, with a further 2 to boot. The two of them haven’t so much hit the ground running, but at full pelt chasing down Usain Bolt. Chelsea play Man City next and the early feeling is already that City have to win to have even a glimmer of finishing above this machine come May.

Team of the Weak

Rob Green – Let in the first three shots on target which Man Utd had, one of which wasn’t even a shot. With Rangers having added to their keeper roster as one of their 2,385 FFP sponsored summer signings, this is probably the last we’ve seen of Rob for a while.
Rio Ferdinand – Slating Moyes, Cole and Terry en route. Rio quite literally turned up, thanked the fans… and then let them thank him for 90 minutes. Awful.
Alberto Moreno – Already looks every bit as offensively strong, defensively weak and error prone as every other Liverpool full back for the past decade.
Fabricio Coloccini – A fine defender who’s form is going roughly in the same direction as his manager’s career. Inability to now run faster than 5mph is not ideal.
Santiago Vergini – Exposed by the pace and trickery of Spurs all game. Booked, conceded two goals, has a silly name.
Scott Arfield – Yet another penalty miss for a promoted side desperate to claim 3 points. It’s just not hard boys. You step up… and score. Please go and watch Baines, Lambert or any German bar Ozil for a few hours, come back and try again.
Jason Puncheon – Like many in the most forgettable game of the day. Puncheon missed chances, couldn’t pass the ball well in the final third and got booked needlessly. Plus we’ll always have that penalty to think about…
Lazar Markovic - £20m for a winger who can’t cross. Slow clap.
Mesut Ozil – even in a wildly entertaining game filled with creativity, pace and effort. Mesut Ozil managed to show none of those qualities. The dazzling form he showed two years for Madrid is fast becoming a distant memory.
Mario Balotelli – Notable only for not reacting to being kicked. Balotelli was as forgettable as a meal at KFC. He couldn’t even be bothered to leave you with that slightly sick feeling you sometimes get in your stomach a few hours later.
Connor Wickham – It’s almost as if his form at the end of last season was a complete aberration in an otherwise supremely average career…

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Week

Anybody still sat there thinking “I’m not going to bring Costa in…”

Quote of the Week

Rio - “We loved our chips, but Moyes comes in and says we can’t have chips any more. Moyes had been gone 20 minutes (after his sacking) and one of the lads says “you know what? We’ve got to get onto Giggsy. We’ve got to get our fucking chips back.””

Well that’s cleared up that 10 months then…

What you may have missed

Any semblance of sense, point or at least something associated with the English language spoken by John Motson in his match of the day commentary. Man Utd reject Tom Cleverley dominating the midfield for Aston Villa. Man Utd reject Shinji Kagawa dominating the midfield for Borussia Dortmund. The bookies stopping taking bets on West Brom to be relegated already. The new look “attacking” Stoke being the lowest scorers in the league. Newcastle being absolutely terrible yet again. Tadic and Pelle playing much better than Lallana and Lambert. The Monday night football game being Hull vs West Ham. It hasn’t happened yet. But let’s be honest here…

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The Transfer Window - The Monkey View

The Transfer Window – The Key Issues

As the Premier League takes a break, leaving us with nothing but the relentless drudgery of international football to endure, I look back on the transfer window and a dramatic deadline day to cast my scornful eye over the winners and losers on a club by club basis.

Arsenal

Leaving it later than a London train, Arsene Wenger and Arsenal finally moved to secure a striker on deadline day, snapping up the services of £16m Danny Welbeck. With Sanchez and Chambers already secure, as well as retaining their key players for once, Wenger is entitled to be happy with his work. Welbeck is young, experienced and mobile and is, on paper, exactly the sort of player who should be playing in the number 9 role for Arsenal. The caveat to that is he’s far from a proven finisher and one hopes this is his “Daniel Sturridge moment.” If not, he can always do a job out wide and complete with the 382 other players that Wenger has in those areas…

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Aston Villa

It’s hard to not look at Villa’s transfers as a group of players all deemed not good enough by their departed clubs. Joe Cole, Cissokho, Richardson, Senderos and the late, late, late capture of Tom Cleverley on loan. None of these players possess even an iota of “wow” factor but at least bring experience to a callow squad. Villa have started the season well and if Lambert can blend the youth with the proven mediocrity he has purchased… Villa might be even more impossibly boring than ever.

Star Quality:            * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * *

Burnley

The promoted champions have not got carried away over the summer. They have not stretched budget and have brought solid, unspectacular squad players to try and retain their Premier League status. It is hard to see any of them though doing enough to keep the Clarets in the top flight though. I mean, if you can’t even beat Manchester United, you’ll probably going to go down.

Star Quality:            *

Value for Money:     * * * * *

Overall Business:     *

Chelsea

Nobody has done better in the window that Chelsea. Taking the second best squad in the league to begin with, Jose has added the best striker, midfielder and left back that were available and has managed to finish the window with almost a net profit thanks to the ridiculous deal that took David Luiz to PSG. Chelsea are likely to win the league by ten points and when the awards for player of the year are being dealt out, look no further than Fabregas and Costa. In the words of Alan Partridge… scum, sub human scum.

Star Quality:            * * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * * 

Overall Business:     * * * * *

Crystal Palace

Given the appointment of Neil Warnock, NOT getting Paddy Kenny on the books has to be seen as a major triumph. Elsewhere, Palace have added youth and pace with the signings of Campbell, Kelly, Fryers and Zaha, whilst also throwing in the defensive nous of Brede Hangeland for a laugh. None of those signings are as good as simply keeping Tony Pulis would have been, but Palace still have enough quality in the squad to dream of 17t
h.
Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Everton

Retaining the loan signings from last year was the main item on the agenda and Everton have paid handsomely for Barry and Lukaku to do so.  Elsewhere Martinez has gone African with the signings of “now or never” former Ghana youth prodigy Christan Atsu and proven goal poacher Samuel Eto’o. For whom a generous two year deal will take him past his 40th birthday…

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Hull

No team had a more dramatic deadline day than Hull who purchased Mohammed Diame, Abel Hernandez, Gaston Ramirez and Hatem Ben Arfa in a flurry of late drama. Indeed, Hull added ten new players to their books in all which would have made a bit more sense had they done so before being dumped out of Europe rather than after. As it is, how Steve Bruce will fit in so many new attacking players in his side is anyone’s guess. Unlike some teams though, it should at least be fun to watch him try.

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * * *

Leicester

Only Burnley rivalled Leicester for the most underwhelming Transfer Window. At least the Foxes added younger, sprightly versions of their fellow relegation contenders. Mark Albrighton, Danny Simpson and Nick Powell all have points to prove. Whilst Leonardo Ulloa has already hit the ground running despite never playing in the Premier League before. Although credit where credit is due for the complete wildcard that is Esteban Cambiasso. Leicester will need all their new signings to bed in fast, especially at the back, if they are still to be playing top flight football this time next year.

Star Quality:            * 
*
Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * *

Liverpool

The key questions at Liverpool is can Lallana, Lambert, Markovic & Balotelli do better combined than Luis Suarez managed on his own? Only time will tell if Rodgers approach of going for moderately expensive, mid-range talents in addition to the lottery that is Mario Balotelli will bear fruit. Liverpool certainly seem to have bought well at the back where Lovren and Manquillo are large improvements on the likes of Toure and Johnson. But with the exception of the late move for the entertaining Italian, none of the signings have screamed “must have” and work is to be done to convince people that Liverpool can maintain, let alone improve on, last year’s form.

Star Quality:            * * * (*) – extra star for super Mario factor

Value for Money:     * * 

Overall Business:     * * *

Man City

With a gentle nod towards Financial Fair Play, City have paid over the odds for Mangala whilst also securing the services of Caballero, Fernando, Sagna and Zuculini. Contractually obliged to sign at least one Englishman, City have “borrowed” Frank Lampard for a laugh. City had the strongest squad at the start of the summer and only Chelsea have gone past them since the window slammed shut. Keeping their spine fit and playing, will be the key to maintaining another challenge for the top prize.

Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * (*) – one star knocked off for the perverse hanging on to of Scott Sinclair

Man Utd

They left it late and it cost them an arm, a leg and most of the body to boot, but Manchester United emerged from the transfer window with a significantly better squad than what they started. The squad remains thin in defence, but swapping Evra, Rio, Cleverly, Kagawa, Nani and Welbeck  for Shaw, Rojo, Herrera, Blind, Di Maria & Falcao is a massive upgrade whichever way you do the maths. Having started the season in appalling form, Van Gaal has a huge job on his hands to marry the new egos to those of his existing “stars” and put together a team which now simply has to finish at least 4th come May.

Star Quality:            * * * * *

Value for Money:     * 

Overall Business:     * * * *

Newcastle Utd

Newcastle started the summer doing what looked, on paper, to be some very good business. A slow start to the season has thus far detracted from the obvious quality of Cabella, de Jong and Janmaat. Those three signings however, able replacements in the full back and attacking midfield areas, can’t mask the continue deficiencies up front. Deficiencies which, going out on a limb, haven’t been fully solved by the sole purchase of Emmanuel Riviere, a striker who averages less than a goal every four appearances and has, thus far, one miss-hit assist to his name.

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * *

QPR

You’ve got to hand it to Harry, nobody attacks Deadline Day with the same sort of gusto. It’s almost as if Harry still believes that if he doesn’t make a signing he’ll never be allowed to do so again. All manner of past players were targeted by Redknapp, not least Jermaine Defoe, before he finally settled on Sandro and, inexplicably, Niko Kranjcar. Who presumably now just takes a massive holiday each summer and turns his phone back on again for Harry to give him a buzz on Deadline Day. Elsewhere Harry added Caulker (sound), Rio (strange) and Isla (surreal) to his books along with a myriad of others that I can’t be bothered to list here. Well played though Harry. And don’t think we didn’t notice that cheeky enquiry about Younes Kaboul either.

Star Quality:            * * *

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * * *

Saints

Manchester United aside, no club was more discussed during the transfer window than Southampton. Letting some 14 players go including the entire spine of the team that shone last time around, Saints were criticised from pillar to post before putting their hands back in their pockets and coming out of the window none too shabby. Bertrand, Forster, Long, Gardos, Pelle and Tadic all look like very solid signings, even if Saphir Taider was sent back in strange circumstances. Some very talented players from the fabled academy still remain and whilst Saints will do well to push on from last season, they certainly have no reason to fear a relegation fight.

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Stoke 

A real mixed bag. Hughes added the stabling presence of Steve Sidwell to his troops, along with the well-seasoned Phil Bardsley. He also managed to re-secure the impressive Oussama Assaidi on loan, as well as the former Manchester United strike Mame Diouf. He has also gambled though, on the now serial loan reject Victor Moses and Football Manager player of the year 2011 Bojan Krkic. Who already looks badly out of his depth in a league both faster and more physical than he would surely like. Stoke fans will be happy though, with the signings in the most showing the way towards a more attacking style of play. Stoke have a solid and balanced squad and, as they proved this weekend, will be a match for anyone on their day.

Star Quality:            * * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * * *

Sunderland

After a slow start, Gus Poyet added an eclectic mix of local and imported talent to his recent relegation survivors. Van Aanholt, Jones and Gomez all look like excellent additions to the squad and it’s nice to see Jack Rodwell being bought by a side with the intention of actually playing him. It’s about time Sunderland found a settled team though. The Wearsiders having purchased a frankly offensive THIRTY FIVE players in the last 3 years… and it’s about time some of them hung around and did their jobs.

Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * *

Swansea

Recovered well from the losses of Davies and (more bizarrely) Vorm, along with the total abandonment of Michu. Tom Carroll is an underrated prospect and Gomis and Montero will add pace and power to a side already filled with it. The real coup though was the resigning of Gylfi Sigurdsson, who already looks to be on a one man mission to show Spurs what they could have had it they’d only played him in the right position.

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * * *

Overall Business:     * * * *

Tottenham

Possibly the quietest transfer window in Spurs history as they looked to sign exclusively full backs, before throwing in a midfielder nobody had heard of at the last minute seemingly at random. Still, given they signed 800 people last summer…

Star Quality:            * 

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * *

West Brom

After the most underwhelming managerial appointment of the summer, West Brom followed that up with a scattergun approach to transfer targets. It’s hard to marry up the purchases of say, Chris Baird, with that of Brown Ideye. Or to comprehend the signings of three right backs, included World Cup Star Cristian Gamboa… alongside the bringing in of Georgios Samaras. I don’t want to suggest the scouts were throwing dart boards at a Football Manager spreadsheet… but that is frankly what it looks like.

Star Quality:            * * 

Value for Money:     * * * 

Overall Business:     * *

West Ham

Amalfitano, Valencia, Zarate… it’s safe to say that Big Sam was under pressure to deliver attacking players and despite a woeful opening defeat to Spurs, it’s hard to make a case for anyone bar Chelsea having a better window than West Ham. The midfielder Cheikhou Kouyate is a phenomenal talent and Aaron Cresswell the best defender in the Championship last year. West Ham have bought pace and power to augment their current attack of power and er… permanent injuries. They’ve even bought Alex Song? Star of the greatest gif of all time (below) and, crucially, a genuinely world class player. In truth, I’m not sure anyone wanted to see this.

Star Quality:            * * * *

Value for Money:     * * * *

Overall Business:     * * * * *

Song thinks Puyol wants him to hold his hand… he doesn’t… it’s the little smile that makes it

http://footyreflex.com/gif/alex-song-trolled-at-barcelona-trophy-celebration/

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Week Three - The Key Issues

The Big Issue - Everton. The defence rests.

For the third successive week Everton were involved in the highest scoring match of the day. A preposterous 6-3 defeat to Chelsea took their total match day haul to 17 goals since the season began, and has thus far earned them the unlikely status as this years great entertainers. The problem for Everton fans though, will be that 10 of those goals have been shipped into their own net. Everton have never looked better going forward in the Premier League era than they do right now. The creative talents of Miralles, Pienaar, Barkley, Lukaku, Osman and the criminally underrated Naysmith all swarm with waspish intent no matter which quartet are picked each week to find holes in the oppositions defence. Seven goals in three games is just reward for such talent, but goals matter for little when you’re letting them in by the bucket loads behind you.

Few teams have had more stable back lines over the past five years than Everton. Martinez did little to change the rear guard which David Moyes built and instead set his sights on improving Everton higher up the pitch (as well as introducing a passing game). But that back line is now showing serious signs of age. Sylvain Distin has been one of the biggest unsung hero’s of the premier league era, but he is turning 37 in December and quite simply cannot go on forever. Alongside him both Phil Jagielka and Leighton Baines appear to have arrived back home with a World Cup hangover. At 29 and 32 both have probably already peaked and it is worrying that they have yet to get into their stride. Coleman, offensively, remains the best right back in the league alongside the towering colossus that is Branislav Ivanovic. But he remains callow when being attacked and was guilty of several errors during a defeat that laid the foundations of the team bare for all to see. Behind the back four, Tim Howard remains a solid, if occasionally enigmatic presence. The big American has rarely been more than 10 games away from a howler, and was lucky not to be sent off on Saturday. Twice.

It was certainly hard to see this coming when Everton were 2-0 up with barely ten minutes left to Arsenal last week. But since then they have shipped 8 goals in less than two hours and now have two must win games on the horizon before the annual battering at Anfield. With two days left of the transfer window it is unlikely that Everton will look to strengthen. They have the talented John Stones in reserve and the case for him to start now looks stronger than ever. Beyond that though, they are very thin. Tony Hibbert remains on the books and so, apparently, does Antolin Alcaraz. The Paraguayan player recently likened his career at Everton to “being in prison,” which hardly bodes well for his reintroduction (there is a massive, massive pun in here somewhere which I’m too tired to make).

The big issue of course, is whether or not this decline is terminal. The season remains young and Everton have hardly had an easy start. But if they are to get anywhere near the heights they achieved last year, they will need to correct the problems at the back urgently.  Any more of this and even Lawro might predict more than 1 goal.

Alternative Game of the Weekend:

Newcastle 3 Palace 3. An absolute belter. Neil Warnock, the Premier League welcomes you back to its hallowed shores.

Manager of the Weekend:

Brendan Rodgers. People are quick to jump on Liverpool’s defensive frailties as a sign of weakness in Rodgers. Whilst that might be true, he remains a shrewd tactician and consistently tore teams to shreds last season by working out what system would cause them the most trouble. He could certainly do with some Jose re-training at the back, but he proved again today that, as an attacking coach, he is arguably the finest in the league.

Person most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:

Any of the defenders who scored in the St James Park goalfest. Utterly shirking their main job to pop up at the other end and do what literally any Newcastle striker is unable to do.

Actual player of the Weekend:

Gylfi Sigurdsson. Deemed not good enough to be given a chance as chief string puller for Spurs, the Icelandic international has been in scintillating form since returning to the Welsh coast. His display at the weekend was like Beethoven in his prime. Or, you know, whoever conducts Beethoven in his prime.

Ok so I was well out of my depth with that analogy.

Fantasy Football disaster of the Weekend:

Loading your attack with Man City players, captaining Aguero and laughing as Manchester United failed at lunchtime...

Journalistic Quote of the Weekend:

“City are trying to find a way to sign the £55m Falcao whilst sticking to Financial Fair Play...”

Manager Quote of the Weekend:

Jose Mourinho - “I spent 90 minutes with my defence drilling them for this game. I should have stayed home with my wife.”

What you may have missed:
A feast of attacking football from Manchester United’s £150m frontline. A feast of attacking football from Manchester City’s £150m frontline. Nathan Dyer being the best English winger never to receive even a token call up. Saints finally shaking off their summer blues. Aston Villa being 3rd in the table. Javier Hernandez not being deemed good enough for Man Utd, but moving to second tier team Real Madrid instead. Yaya Sanogo giving a performance that would have made Carlton Cole blush. Another human being possessing the same first name as Yaya Toure. Ryan Bird being top of my Fantasy Football League and finally, Gary Linker’s absolutely fucking god awful to hell and back facial hair on Match of the Day.

Which was still better than Phil Neville.

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Week Two - The Key Issues

The Big Issue - It’s not the players Arsene, it’s you.

And, well, the players. But we’ll come to that. Everton were once again involved in the game of the weekend, by virtue of goals, entertainment and drama if not actual quality. And whilst I’ll no doubt cover the poetic grace of Seamus Coleman, twinkling feet of Kevin Miralles and lumbering blind alley running of Romelu Lukaku at a later date... for now I’d like to focus on Arsenal.

Each and every year Wenger proudly boasts that this time his squad is capable of challenging for the title... and each and every year they come up short. This season, he added the star quality of Alexis Sanchez to his merry band of midfield maestros, upgraded from the French reserve right back to the actual French right back and snaffled upcoming star Calum Chambers from the much pillaged Southampton Youth Academy. The problem, is that none of that matters when Wenger has about as much tactical flexibility as a bunch of Sunday leaguers who still play 4-4-2 because “that’s the English way.” It’s all very well saying that Sanchez can play through the middle, but that is completely pointless if he’s going to play as a ball retaining number 9 aka Olivier Giroud. He is not that player and never well be, regardless of whether or not he’s fully fit. Wenger wants to have his cake and eat it by trying to emulate the Barca midfield template, whilst also having a big man up top to pump it long to. The second tactic might make more sense if Wenger had the striker resource of Manchester City (or even Manchester United) but he doesn’t. He has Giroud, followed by nobody else of proven quality and has thus far steadfast refused to purchase a new striker. Despite it being obvious to everyone in the entire solar system that he needs one.

Wenger could easily put out a team of Ramsey, Ozil, Cazorla, Walcot/Ox and Sanchez with Flamini sitting. The 5 midfielders, all well capable of playing quick, interlinking passing football, could rotate fluidly like the great Spain did prior to this World Cup. Ramsey has developed into a superb box to box midfielder and could burst from deep to enjoy the space created by a false 9. But the system doesn’t work when he sticks rigidly to a 4-3-3 which provides no cover for his fullbacks, no main focal point (if Giroud doesn’t play) and doesn’t allow the creative talents of Ozil and Cazorla to roam. It was no surprise then, that following Giroud’s arrival Arsenal looked a lot more dangerous. Scraping a draw they barely deserved and returning back home with a share of the spoils. This was a really poor game though, with a staggering 38 misplaced passes in the first half alone, and it smacked of two teams still hung over from the World Cup.

Arsenal will not win the title this year, or indeed any major trophy until Wenger allows some tactical flexibility within his ranks. Each and every week you see teams change the system as well as the players if things aren’t working. Wenger never, ever does. If things aren’t going well, all he will ever do is make like for like replacements until the final and inevitable whistle comes. Arsenal got out of jail this weekend. But with bigger and more vital tests to come over the course of the year, you sense they won’t get that lucky again unless they can either do something different, or actually buy a proper, world class centre forward.

And seriously what is with that kit? If it was any tighter it would be a wet suit. I’m pretty sure Sanchez couldn’t breathe...

Alternative Game of the Weekend:

Aston Villa v Newcastle. Two teams at the absolute pinnacle of their defensive power. Alan Hutton, Phillippe Senderos, Paul Dummett. A treat for paint dry watchers everywhere.

Potential Signing of the Weekend:

Angel Di Maria. Rumoured to be costing Manchester United a preposterous £63m, there are two things to remember here. One, is that United have been found to be wanting, with their pants down and desperate to pay over the odds for any top player on offer. Second, Di Maria is a top, top player. And no fee should detract from that fact. A player who was the best on the pitch in the Champions League final and voted the player of the season for Real last time around. The Argentinian will instantly be the finest player on the park when he meets his new team mates, and that is just about the only thing that matters.

Potential Gamble of the Weekend:

Mario Balotelli. £16m, certainly when compared to the above, appears to be an absolute steal for a player who is proven class. But aside from the fact that Liverpool appear to be collecting the World’s best penalty takers, this signing effectively amounts to taking £16m to Vegas and placing it all on black.

That is not a racist joke. Please don’t report me.

Although I could probably have used a better analogy.

Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:

Tom Huddlestone. Coasted through against the superior numbers of Stoke with a glazed “I can’t believe they’re playing this badly” look in his eye. Teed up the goal, casually stroked a few passes around with wand of right foot. Once broke into a run.

Actual Player of the Weekend:

Erik Lamela. Who? Exactly. Remember the name...

Quote of the Weekend:

Harry Redknapp on Malky Mackay “he’s not a murderer, a rapist or paedophile... he’s a great lad. He’s just made a mistake. People make mistakes in life and he shouldn’t be hung for that”

Harry, let me break it down to you nice and clear. It’s not about making a “mistake” here. A mistake is when you fall over and break something. A mistake is people who don’t know the difference between your and you’re. A mistake is playing Tom Cleverley in a football match. A mistake is not “being a racist”. That’s called, being a fucking racist.

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:

Having James Chester on your bench in Week One. And having him as your captain in Week Two.

Unexpected Goal Feast of the Weekend:

Crystal Palace 1, West Ham 3. Seriously? Who saw that one coming? Certainly not Big Sam. I mean, even Carlton Cole scored!? I know. Carlton. Cole.

This guy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4laIHVZtBKE

Move of the Weekend:

Nacer Chadli’s second goal in Spurs 4-0 victory was preceded by a staggering 48 consecutive passes. 48!? Stop it lads.

What you may have missed:

Aston Villa not getting a shot on target. Everton & Arsenal scoring 4 goals from just 5 shots on target. Southampton and West Brom doing all they could to beat Villa & Newcastle to the final MOTD slot. Charlie Austin not even being in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Rio Ferdinand wishing he hadn’t been in the match day squad for QPR’s hammering. Barcelona coasting to an easy win with 10 men (for a laugh) in their first La Liga match. Tom Cleverley apparently finding a team mate with a pass. Leighton Baines growing his hair out. Mauricio Pochettino taking a lot less time than Louis Van Gaal to install a new way of playing. And finally, Derby County battering Fulham to make it four losses on the spin for the seemingly doomed Cottagers.

https://twitter.com/HinduMonkey

Week One - The Key Issues

The Premier League burst back into life this weekend with goals, shocks, red cards, terrible penalty decisions, even more terrible actual penalties and more drama than a night out in the Bigg Market. After inventing, curating and perfecting the 5 things modus operandi (Citation: only one of those is true) - it feels time for a change. This season I will be focussing on one big issue each week, supplemented with more humorous and irreverent littler ones, that hopefully the Podcasts, Fan Forums, Journos & Pundits may have missed. And what Alan Shearer definitely will have.

So here we go:

The Big Issue - Louis van Gaal is balls deep

New season, same old shite is, to put it bluntly, the thin end of the wedge. Van Gaal is many things, but he’s not an idiot. And whilst he arrived with an honourable but flawed notion that he had to “assess the squad for himself” before making any changes; he also wasted little time telling the press from day one that this was a much harder job than it looked. The squad was “broken” he said, after a series of performances last season that the players appeared to have forgotten they were responsible for. He would need “at least two seasons” before he could be truly judged and that it would take at least “three months” for the players to fully understand his methods. He will, barring an unmitigated disaster, almost certainly get more time than Moyes despite the car crash that was Saturday lunchtime. Crucially, LVG looks and acts like a man in charge of, in terms of supporters and finance, one of the biggest clubs in the World. Moyes never did, and it was his off the field persona that actually got him sacked far more quickly than results on it. The board will give LVG time to instill his methods and clear out the dead weight from a squad that Ferguson wrung every last drop from before retiring. But dear god... what a lot of dead weight it is.

Of the team that started on Saturday a full 8 wouldn’t expect to get anywhere near the first eleven of the teams that finished in the top 5 last year. Mata, De Gea and Rooney would have a chance, but even they would not feature in a premier league best eleven. Or even a second one. Typing this with the class of 92 DVD on my table, it is a sorry state of affairs for a team that regularly provided half of the entrants into almost every team of the season. After just 45 minutes of competitive football LVG abandoned the 3-5-2 formation he’d spent all preseason trialling and resorted to a 4-4-2 with Nani on the pitch. With ten minutes left he was playing Marouane Fellaini up front. This was hardly the tactical masterclass that we had seen in the World Cup and afterwards the Dutchman was brutally honest in his assessment of the teams ability and performance. He at least accepted responsibility for his failed tactics, which was the single aspect of the whole affair that stood him out from Moyes.

United need 3-5 new players to challenge for the top 4, even without the distraction of Europe. Two new centre backs, at least one specialist wing back, another forward as cover and a defensive midfielder are an absolute must. As is getting rid of almost 50% of the squad that failed so badly last time around. Nani cannot be allowed to step on the pitch of Old Trafford again. People are laughing at the club. And not just his agent.

The fixture generator could not have been kinder to Van Gaal and trips to Burnley and Sunderland should not be looked upon with fear just yet. But these are worrying times for United fans and a stark reminder yet again that no club has a right to win football matches. They have to be earned through a mixture of ability and application. Ultimately, Swansea City showed Van Gaal exactly what was missing from his current squad. That the Welsh party poopers are probably only the 10th best team in the league, was the most worrying thing of all.

Game of the Weekend:

Leicester 2, Everton 2. A pulsating return to the top flight for the Foxes full of fantastic finishing, end to end drama and typical controversy. If this is what Leicester will treat us to each week, they’re welcome for a lot longer than West Ham.

Referee of the Weekend:

Chris Foy. West Ham v Spurs. Look, the man did everything he good to try and make this game more interesting. And I commend him for that.

Player most likely to be put in Garth Crooks team of the week for no fathomable reason:

Laurent Koscielny. Was at fault for the opening goal, fell over twice, looked generally unconvincing but was in the right place, at the right time to score an equaliser. By essentially falling over.

Actual player of the weekend:

Curtis Davies. Pub player turned pro, Hull’s captain and perfecter of the 3-5-2 system that Louis Van Gaal is trying to copy. Also better than any of Man United’s current centre backs.

Quote of the weekend:

Jonathan Pearce, commentating on the Arsenal v Palace game when Hangeland scored. 

“the person who would have enjoyed that most is sat at home, his name, TONY PULIS!”

Really Jonathan? Really?

Supportive Tweet of the Weekend:



Tony Fernandes (Chairman of QPR) - “19 chances. Need to covert them but we created them. Few more signings...”

Nothing like subtly telling your strikers to collect their P45’s eh Tony.

Fantasy Football Disaster of the Weekend:

Having Noble and Austin in your team “because they don’t miss penalties.”

What you may have missed:

Arsenal not signing a striker. West Ham buying 38 strikers and not knowing what to do with them. Jordan Henderson’s delicious through ball for Liverpool’s opener. The entirety of the Scottish Premier League. England absolutely battering India in the Cricket and Bear Flat retaining the Jon Darcy Memorial Dominator Trophy. More silverware than a night out in New Mexico that lot...

Until next week.


Amphibious – Brian Yuzna

(the sporting guru takes time out to review a really bad horror movie as a favour for a friend. The Monkey would like to reassure his loyal fan base that this is a mere sideshow from his day job of reviewing Premier League football... but it is the close season... and he may toss out a review of Sharknado 2 as well)

You are what it eats

As a general rule, there are three types of creature feature film. The good. The bad. And the so bad they’re good. Amphibious, the latest offering from Brian Yuzna, is not good. It’s not even bad. Infact, it’s so far past bad that it goes all the way around so bad it’s good and back again.

That’s right. Amphibious is so bad it’s bad. A new level of feature film ineptitude. 

The problems with the film are vast. That the cast can’t act is taken as a given for a low budget creature feature. But they don’t ever appear to be trying here. It’s like they know they’ll never make it past the straight to DVD section of their careers and have resigned themselves to this fate long ago. The lead actress is passable, despite an accent that wanders more often than the errant camerawork. The villains however, are caricatures of caricatures. And the romantic lead is about as romantic as the giant scorpion he is eventually killed by.

It’s hard to summarise a plot that makes no sense. There is a giant sea scorpion which has apparently been created by a mixture of the Tsunami and unexplained witchcraft. For no reason I could fathom, it attacks a group of smugglers and child labourers who seem to live on a large floating raft. Early on the second in command is killed and it takes a full 24 hours for anyone to notice. Despite them all living on a large… floating… raft. Elsewhere a child is killed by a blow to the head, yet wakes up several hours later to deliver some final, meaningless words. Blood still fresh and flowing on his wound. He then dies in 2 seconds flat. There is also something going on about a lost daughter, and a character who is fat and clumsy and spectacularly unfunny. Oh and around 20% of the entire movie is just an ominous shot of the same patch of water not moving. I’ll be honest, within twenty minutes I was rooting for the Scorpion.

But you don’t watch a film called Amphibious for the plot, you watch it for the gore (plentiful, mostly absurd), nudity (almost nil, one pair of clearly cgi boobs mid-impalement) and sense of humour (completely absent). And, of course, for the monster. Amphibious doesn’t have the worst monster you’ve ever seen (step forward Son of Godzilla), but it’s far from the best. The CGI is competent but the genetic make-up of the monster make little sense, given it moves like a Scorpion on land but appears to then morph into a squid in the water. There is also far too much stinger impalement and too little savage claw dismemberment for my liking. 

The main problem with the film, other than the obvious fact that it’s complete and utter shit, is that Amphibious is not interesting enough to sustain its initial premise. It is devoid of humour and appears to be taking it’s over complicated, overly stupid plot seriously. That it’s racists, sexist and homophobic is almost an afterword by comparison. If you’ve been unlucky/stupid enough to endure the entire film, you’ll be further treated to an end that only makes things ever more confusing than before.

It’s been a long time since Re-Animator, and Brian Yuzna doesn’t look he’s going to strike gold again anytime soon. Amphibious is boring, senseless, witless and terrible in almost every conceivable way. Hell, at one point I even found myself wishing Tara Reid was in it just so I could laugh.

*

Five Things We Learnt From The World Cup Knockouts

1. The goal gods were saving themselves?

The group stages saw a record number of goals scored. 136 in total at an average of almost 3 per match. Owing to a number of factors; the oppressive heat, nervousness, better defending, awful finishing, the continued presence of Argentina in the tournament… said goals dried up like a desert as soon as we entered the business end of the tournament.  Excluding the “rout of Belo Horizonte” there have been a miserable 24 goals scored in 13 knockout games. The bottom half of the draw has seen Holland and Argentina play the last 450 minutes between them for a single, hit and hope effort. A good job then for that semi-final in Belo. Proving that in the desert, when it rains… it really does pour.

2. Brazil should be ashamed & embarrassed. But…
The score line is not as significant as people think. The crucial, take home factor here is that Brazil lost the match. Losing it 1-0 in the 119^th minute, being beaten 4-3 in an end to end thriller or being routed 7-1 by vastly superior opposition all deliver different versions of despair. But they all have the same overriding feels of loss and disappointment. In the context of Brazil and the World Cup, yes this result was historic, but in terms of football in general over the past 4 years? Not really. Routs are becoming much more common place at the highest level as the semi-finals of the Champions League have shown of late. Such is the attacking talent that the top teams now possess, if they get 1 or 2 gone are the days when they sit back and protect the lead. Teams go for the jugular more than ever and if being hammered by a rival meant the end of your football pedigree, Arsenal would have long since collapsed and given up by now. At the end of the day, Brazil fans will easily forgive and forget this defeat should they go and win the thing in 4 years. Granted that seems unlikely with this current crop of players and one cannot use the above excuse to mask Brazil’s failings. They had been lucky to get this far and the performances of Luiz, Hulk, Fred and Marcello beggared belief in their collective ineptitude. Huge swaths of space were open for the entire German midfield to run into and it’s hard to think of a 5 minute period at this level where one team has collapsed so badly. Brazil still possess good players, many of which weren’t even included in Scolari’s faintly blinkered squad. But this match showed them up for what they were, a once great nation coasting on past glories and a wonderfully organised, attended and vibrant tournament. When your goals against column has to be written in brackets (seven), you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

3. Germany now owe to us all to win.
Scoring seven goals against Brazil will ultimately count for nothing if Germany lose the final this Sunday. A victory for Argentina would surely see them crowned the most underwhelming victors in tournament history. Well organised, drilled and disciplined. They have essentially been Greece but with Lionel Messi. They deserve credit for not getting beaten, but none whatsoever for entertaining anybody. A similarly negative display in the final is almost a certainty and neutrals must be praying for an early goal to release the shackles a little. For the Germans, it’s hard to see beyond this being their moment. This wonderfully talented group of players have been around for three major tournaments now and come up short at each one. If they fail again against a team that they are better than in 10 out of 11 positions, they will forever be labelled as bottlers. That reputation, in its own way, will hurt just as much as the ones now being given to Brazil.

4. The squad remains key to tournament longevity.
Playing so many games in so short a time, in high temperatures and oppressive humidity, is going to take its toll. It was little surprise then that teams who managed the conditions have also managed the tournament. Costa Rica looked dead on their feet in the knockout phase and were lucky to go as far as they ultimately did thanks to some outrageously errant finishing. Likewise France, who stormed their group but rested none of their key attackers or defenders and then looked jaded against the German machine. Belgium started the tournament tired and despite coming alive for the ridiculously entertaining USA match, then found themselves involved in one game too many against Argentina. Brazil, Argentina and Columbia have all managed the conditions well, as have the Dutch, by excellent use of rotation, drinks breaks and tactical switches. Germany of course took a different approach, score four goals in ten minutes and then take the rest of the semi-final off…

5. Let the shopping spree commence.
As ever following a World Cup, what tends to follow is a mad, frenzied bidding war for those players who hugely over achieved. It looks like being no different this time around with Costa Rican, Columbian and Mexican players all now being looked at in vastly more favourable lights than they were a month ago. This will almost certainly result in players who were massively pumped up for the occasion, producing pale shadows of these performances whilst playing for Sunderland on vastly inflated wages. Still, it’s always funny to point and laugh. So we’ve got that to look forward to.

Hindu Monkey Team of the Tournament

Navas (Costa Rica)

Gonzalez – Vlaar – Hummels - Garay (Chile, Holland, Germany, Argentina)

Kroos - Mascherano - Rodriguez (Germany, Argentina, Columbia)

Robben - Fred Benzema - Mueller (Holland, France, Germany)

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