Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirty Two

Foster (WAT 4.6) – In a game where De Gea was by far the busiest keeper, the ex Man United stopper failed to step up against his former club. Whilst he could hardly be blamed for United’s opener; which was made by the increasingly impressive Luke Shaw; he didn’t get his angles right and was caught in no-man’s land, handing Rashford a simple finish. He then moved on by failing to hold Martial’s scuffed attempt, before watching the forward hook the ball in whilst still on the ground. All in all, a poor day at the office.

Lloris (TOT 5.4) – It’s a rare week when I have to include two keepers, but in truth I could have filled half the spots with them. Hugo Lloris has been an error away from rehab for some time now, and you have to wonder how dearly his late mistake may cost his team in the race for the top four. Although in fairness to him; it might have mattered little had Spurs not deservedly scored a second. I may be wrong, but whilst Pool might celebrate this win, the way they collapsed in an anxious heap before Lloris’ late error doesn’t exactly scream nerves of steel. If anyone but Moussa Sissoko had been tearing through on goal, two on one, with 5 minutes left to play it may have been a different story. And when I say anyone… dear god… I mean anyone. As it was, Spurs fucked it up in that sort of way that somehow only they manage too… as Salah tamely headed back across goal for Mane to tap in, only to witness Lloris fail to catch it, fumble it to his own player for an own goal and then watch open mouthed in horror… as FPL gave the assist to the Egyptian.

Young (MUN 5.7) – Whilst Luke Shaw and his mystifyingly large bottom continues to lock down United’s left hand side, Ashley Young is looking increasingly exposed on the other flank. Granted trying to get defensive help with Juan Mata is a bit like asking for the vegan option at a Texas BBQ; but he is now being targeted by players running at him and drawing fouls. He made several here and was lucky to escape a caution. Young has been a fine servant during a difficult period for the club, but one hopes that the blind loyalty that has defined previous managers doesn’t strike again with Ole now firmly at the helm. United need a new world class full back, it’s that simple.

Bryan (FUL 4.8) – This was one of the most painful football matches I’ve ever watched. The opening 20 minutes was just about as one sided as I’ve seen; genuine men against boys stuff. Then, just as Fulham had finally managed to get a foot hold in the game and realise they were somehow only 1 goal down… up steps Joe Bryan… genuinely as bad a defender as this league has ever seen. Giving the ball to most opponents striker’s is never great… but giving it to Sergio Aguero is terminal. 2-0 – game over – and we were all left to enjoy an anaemic second half where the pall was passed around with all the urgency of two teams who need a draw to progress to the next round of the World Cup.

Coady (WOL 4.5) – Wolves have more wins against the top six than the bottom four – a statistic that undermines some of the excellent work done by Nuno Santo this season. Certainly if his team are to kick on and become a genuine threat to the established elite, they need to address their motivation against the lesser lights. Burnley were quicker to every ball and thoroughly deserved their win, helped by Connor Coady’s own goal and a performance that did all it could to get the Ashley Barnes train back out of the station.

Diop (WHU 4.4) – A battle which pitted arguably the two least consistent sides in the league against each other; this was another match where Everton looked like a fluent, attacking side again… whilst West Ham got to put one more X on the calendar before they can all go on holiday and forget about this day job nonsense. West Ham were shit throughout… to be honest I could have picked any of their defenders out for making Calvert-Lewin look like Thierry Henry. Oh well lads… only six more games to go… not long now.

Knockaert (BHA 5.2) – If there was any justice in the world Anthony Knockaert would be known for what he is… the Nani of the Championship. But he’s still in the Premier League, having scored 5 goals across three seasons. He is a greedy and unintelligent footballer… like an anti-meta Mark Albrighton.  His career is a nonsense.

Brooks (BOU 5.1) – Allowed out at weekends by his babysitter, David Brooks has been great for Bournemouth this season. His rapid progression from the under 11’s to the first team has broke new ground for youth football everywhere. He was poor here though. His pass completion was 78% - he had one shot and created nothing in 90 hapless minutes. He becomes the first player in FPL history to get a yellow flag for being grounded.

Matic (MUN 5.0) – This was a shocking display from Matic who deserved to be nowhere near the winning side. Tasked with the protection of the defence and dictating the tempo from the base of midfield – he instead spent most of the match just watching as the ball sailed past him in either direction. When he did get involved he only made matters worse. He made just a single tackle the entire game and made three errors, all of which led to chances for the opposition. Get McTominay back in this side Ole… be a lad now.

Arnautovic (WHU 6.8) – Marco Arnautovic has scored in one game since the start of November. He has now blanked in 8 matches in a row and hasn’t completed 90 minutes in over 4 months. West Ham should probably have let him leave.

Higuan (CHE 9.6) – Sporting the body of a married with two kids dad and the mobility of a wounded buffalo, Higuain epitomised a dreadful Chelsea performance that was inexplicably rewarded with 3 points. I’m looking at you Eddie Smart. Forget these eleven sad sacks… you’re the real Team of the Weak here. Somehow missing two Chelsea players standing a full yard offside when looking directly across the line from a set piece, you should be made to publicly apologise to every Cardiff coach, player and fan.

Following that we’ll give you a job in government.

HM

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Thirty

De Gea (MUN 5.7) – David De Gea has faced 30 penalties for Manchester United and 27 of them have ended up in the net. He hasn’t saved one in three years. Indeed, for arguably the best goal keeper on the planet to be so easily beaten from 12 yards is one of the great quirks of the game. The penalty that Aubameyang scored wasn’t even good. It was about as shit as the referee’s performance. Who wandered around like a lost dough ball vaguely pointing in the wrong direction for most of the match.

All of this would have mattered little had De Gea not already decided to treat Granit Xhaka’s 25 yard “sighter” like it was also a penalty. Inexplicably diving out of the way of a shot that ended up pretty much in the centre of the goal. Or his team mates managed to actually convert any of the copious chances that this farcically inept Arsenal backline give you each match.

But no… United were due some bad luck and their manager and fans will hope that this was just a bump in the road in their now unstoppable re-rise to greatness.

Lindelof (MUN 5.1) – Lindelof was so bad in this match it was like he was being remotely controlled by Jose Mourinho. Which reminds me, is he going back to Madrid by the way? Like they’re really actually going to do that?

What is it with these people? I mean for fucks sake. Tim Sherwood is STILL out of work!?

Keane (EVE 4.8) – I really don’t want to keep putting Michael Keane in my team of the weak. I want there to be other options I can turn to. There must be defenders out there who also can’t head the ball? Or don’t understand what a defensive line even is, let alone learn to hold one? He’s so bad he could get in the Fulham team.

Bryan (FUL 4.8) – But you know… he’s not this bad. Joe Bryan is now less of a defender and more someone who gets told to turn up and stand in a particular position for 90 minutes a week. He doesn’t possess even the most basic abilities required to be a top flight defender and has been part of a Fulham back line that have now conceded 68 goals. That is already more than any team conceded in the entirety of last season. Or most seasons. Derby’s 89 goals from 12 years ago is in their sights. I think they can do it. I believe in them. It's important to be remembered for something.

Vertonghen (TOT 5.9) – Poor in Germany midweek and indebted to his goalkeeper, Vertonghen was even worse in the second half here against the might of Southampton. Spurs topsy-turvy season continued as they crashed to another defeat and now face the very real possibility of coming 5^th or 6^th in a 3 horse race.

They don’t play in the league again for 3 weeks. And when they do… it’s Liverpool. Which Spurs side turns up for that one will likely determine the fate of both the title… and the top four.

Anderson (WHU 7.2) – Some players are already dreaming of their summer vacations. Some are booking them. And then there is Anderson… who is already on one. This was a 45 minute display that a Chelsea player trying to get their manager sacked would be embarrassed by. He just did absolutely nothing.

Billing (HUD 4.5) - Hailed by some this season as one of the few successes in the Terriers ranks, Billing has slipped away much like his side… becoming more and more of a hapless irrelevance as Huddersfield slide into the Championship. Stats wise, this has been an appalling season for big Phil. His pass success rate of 79% is poor for a centre mid. He has made just 9 successful crosses all season, played not a single through ball and created zero “big chances.” To add to that, he has had 40 goal attempts and scored twice. Only 9 of his attempts have even been on target. He can’t shoot, he can’t pass and he can’t dribble (50% success rate).

That he is considered by some to be his side’s best player… says everything about how bad this Huddersfield side truly are.

Jorginho (CHE 4.6) – Jorginho attempted 100 passes in 72 minutes on Sunday. More than anyone on the pitch during that period. He played zero through balls, zero crosses, zero key passes and created zero chances. He literally stood in the centre circle and played 10 yard balls to another player. The loudest cheer of the entire game was when he was taken off.

I feel for him at this stage. It’s not his fault. He is being told to do a job and does it. But Sarri? I’m sorry mate… but end this fucking madness now.

Salah (LIV 13.4) – Salah finds his way into the Team of the Weak for the third week in a row following another hopeless display in front of goal. You can’t say he isn’t trying. You can’t say he’s not getting in the right positions. And hell, there is certainly a comedic element to him essentially assisting all three goals by being tackled (twice) and via a crap cross that came off keeper and defender before landing at the gleeful feet of Roberto Firmino.

Liverpool continue to do enough to keep on the coat tails of City – but with Munich and Spurs up either side of what will be the most regulation 3 points in history against Fulham – now is the time when Liverpool need their star player to re-discover his mojo.

Rashford (MUN 7.6) – From hero to zero – Rashford moved well against Arsenal, but his end product was terrible. This was just the sort of performance that would question his ability to become a more natural number 9, rather than a wide forward where his pace can be so devastating. Rashford is still only 21 – which is remarkable when you consider he has already played almost 200 games for club and country. He has the world at his feet but needs composure and that little bit more nous in the final third to sit at the big boys table. 

He also needs to score scruffy goals. Literally ever.

Higuain (CHE 9.6) – Higuain wasn’t terrible against Wolves, he just couldn’t shoot. His movement is superb and he is an intelligent, mobile footballer who has learnt his trade at some of the biggest clubs in the world. None of that nous has gone missing, but on Sunday he just couldn’t get his shooting boots laced on the right feet. Six chances he had in total, 5 of which came inside the box. Indeed he only touched the ball 6 times in the box all match, which highlights quite how comfortable he is at shooting on sight. Chelsea have plenty of problems, but Higuain has been a good signing for them and you feel it’s only a matter of time before the front three finally click and score a hatful.

Or you know. Michael Keane could dominate him like the absolute fucking boss he is and the Argentinian could be back in here again next week.

Happy Hunting.

HM.

Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Twenty Nine

Dubravka (NEW 5.0) – A limp display by Newcastle undid their recent defensive prowess, as West Ham notched up another victory at the London Stadium. In a weekend of few goals and barely a howler in site, Dubravka takes his place between the sticks for simply posting the worst stats. Just two saves, two goals conceded and a yellow card to boot. Not so much tragic, just irrelevant. The Liberal Democrats of football.

Bardsley (BUR 4.2) – Phil Bardsley is a terrible football player who has somehow managed to have a long and mediocre career simply by hanging around and looking like a guard dog. He is the sort of player who could only ever have had a career at full back – as any other position would have exposed his inability to pass, cross, shoot or head the ball. He can tackle… in the way that a pissed up youth from Manor Top can tackle on a Sunday morning… but beyond that he is an entirely useless entity.  

Bamba (CAR 4.7) – 2 goals conceded, booked, completed 9 passes, won a single tackle, got injured. A 45 minute performance akin to opening your bowls after a curry.

Maguire (LEI 5.4) – It would be fair to say that Slabhead hasn’t really kicked on since the World Cup. Brendan Rodgers: the Second Coming - got off to the worst possible start here; as his Leicester team played exactly like one managed by Claude Puel. Maguire was the worst defender in a back three which included Wes Morgan. His passing was errant, his positioning wayward and he has kept just 4 clean sheets this season. Which is less than Huddersfield.

Young (MUN 5.7) – Young has been a key player the past couple of seasons for United – he has reinvented himself as a rampaging full back, but this was a game where he was exposed for the defender he really isn’t. His pass conversion was 90% in the opponents half and just 70% in his own – which is a farcical stat highlighting that Young was better in crossing the ball in attack than he was in playing simple passes in his own half. He continuously handed possession back to Southampton, was lucky not to concede a penalty and hauled down Ward-Prowse for his where the fuck did that come from you fucking hound nobody beats fucking De Gea from there free kick pile driver.

He won a single header and did not make a tackle in the entire match. The entire match? In a 3-2 end to end thriller? What you doing Ashley? This isn’t the fucking projects. Your name is your name bro.

Sanchez (MUN 10.0) – It’s not even comical to insult Sanchez anymore. It feels like picking on the fat kid at school when he’s soiled himself. At some point you just have to turn away and get on with your life. Sanchez got injured here and did both himself and his team a favour. His replacement, the 19 year old Diego Dalot, was better in 30 minutes than Sanchez has been in 30 games. 

He’s a full back.

Almiron (NEW 6.0) – Redefining anonymous, Almiron’s heat map resembled the complexion of a 15 year old ginger kid.  He touched the ball just 11 times in the final third, none of which were in the penalty area. He played no through balls, no crosses, no genuine attacking passes and had a single shot in the 90 minutes of which he was on the pitch. That he wasn’t substituted actually felt like an illusion by the end. 

Willian (CHE 7.1) – I really dislike Willian. Not because he’s crap – but because he’s brilliant and can so rarely be bothered to actually try. How he continues to get in this Chelsea team when Pedro the energizer bunny warms the bench is beyond me. Against the might of Fulham’s defence Willian sauntered around like he had somewhere better to be – completing just one cross and creating a single chance in 90 minutes. Which was a corner. 

Fabinho (LIV 5.5) – For a player who can only pass sideways – 73% is a terrible success rate. But perhaps that’s unfair – after all a derby is always a lively affair where passing tends to go out the window for the blood and thunder of tackles (1), interceptions (0), clearances (0) and blocks (0).

Some Liverpool fans have been raving about Fabinho this season – but all I see is Keegan-Michael Key wandering around before he was famous looking like he’s lost.

Salah (LIV 13.5) – In the last six matches, Mo Salah has had 53 touches in the box, had 20 attempts at goal and scored just once. His conversion rate has dipped into “Shane Long” territory. Whilst this hasn’t mattered at fortress Anfield, it has cost Liverpool wins away from home where their defence have kept the opposition out time and time again. Now second in the table, the title is no longer in their own hands and you suspect it won’t be again – such is the squad depth over in the blue end of Manchester.

Also, whilst we’re here – can we talk about at what stage somebody sits down Mo and says look mate… here’s an idea… when you lose possession, it’s better for the team if you try and win it back… you know… rather than that fucking hop, skip and a jump thing you keep doing like you’re got fucking Tourette’s. 

Aubameyang (ARS 10.9) – There are few more tragic sites in football than a player coming off the bench, winning a late penalty… taking it… and missing it. Even if the penalty decision was softer than a 16 year old boy after 10 seconds of his first shag.

In fact the penalty itself also matched that description…

Happy Hunting

HM