Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW Two

Heaton (4.5 AVL) – Heaton did not do badly this week… but unlike Garth Crooks, I feel compelled to stick to a formation which makes actual sense. As such, Tom gets the gig on account of only saving 50% of the shots he faced this week… which was bottom of the pile stats wise. Also from an FPL standing if you went him over Denders, Pope… hell even Matt Ryan… you’ve been well short changed.

                          

Christensen (5.5 CHE) – Chelsea have conceded 7 goals in the first week of Frank Lampard’s reign; and look miles away defensively from some of their great Premier League teams. At the heart of their back line lies Christensen and Zouma. A pairing that if Terry and Carvalho are the SAS Hob Nob of biscuits… are more like the game soggy biscuit. Christensen started fine against Leicester, but as with Manchester United the week before, faded as the game went on and became more stretched. Maddison pulling him out of position more times than a Stretch Armstrong doll. Letting David Luiz go remains… mystifying.  

Bennett (5.0 WOL) – Moving past the fact that I had to check three times that Bennett was priced at 5.0 (what the actual fuck) – rarely has so average a defensive performance not been met with defeat. Bennett was terrible against United, pulled inside out by the running and movement of Rashford from the opening minute. Comically, he completed just 25 passes all match. Which for a centre back in a back three, at home… is woeful.

Dummett (4.5 NEW) – 0 tackles. 0 blocks. 1 header. You’re a centre back mate. Pull yourself together. It’s because of morons like you that Pukki now has his own fucking plane.

Lingard (6.5 MUN) – Some might have put Paul Pogba in here following the penalty fiasco. But unlike other, more celebrated pundits, I think the reason United didn’t win the game on Monday was more down to the creative vacuum of Jesse Lingard than to a guy who may have missed his penalty, but also actually created some chances and constantly drove us forward on the front foot. 

Whatever your view on Pog-gate. Let us all at least gather together in mutual appreciation for how absolutely fucking useless Lingard is. In a game where he had ACRES of space to work with and in which his team dominated attacking possession; Lingard somehow managed to complete zero dribbles, fire off zero shots and not create a single chance. He won a single header and made no clearances, blocks, interceptions… anything of note at all really. He touched the ball once in the area. Which was a miss-kick. 

He last scored a goal over 17 hours ago. Seventeen. That’s almost his fucking age.

Perez (6.5 LEI) – Perez was so useless against Chelsea it’s rumoured that Kolasinac turned up at half time to protect him. Like an audience member who had been pulled on to the stage to take part in the show… and then just forgotten about. Both him and Rodgers need to address his role in this team and quickly. Right now the relationship is working for nobody.

Tielemans (6.5 LEI) – Whilst Perez was invisible, Tielemans was actively awful. He consistently chose the wrong option and I don’t think I’ve ever seen so talented a player look like they were possessed by the ghost of Bakayoko. Such a performance was backed up by truly incredible stats. Tielemans pass completion was 68% - appalling for anybody let alone a central midfielder of his abilities. He attempted no through balls, crosses or any creative passes throughout 90 soulless minutes. Every time he got the ball in space he just ran forward ten yards and either took a wild shot or passed it to an opposition player. Terrible.

Zaha (7.0 CRY) – 2 successful dribbles from 7 attempted, 1 shot all match, 78% passing accuracy and created nothing. Zaha came to Sheffield promising steel and left like a greasy chip butty.

Calvert-Lewin (6.0 EVE) – The Everton “striker” had 21 touches on Saturday at home to Watford. One of which was in the box.  He has scored 2 goals in his last 14 starts and seems to regard the penalty area as something to aspire to rather than his natural fucking habitat. Make the pain stop.

Deeney (6.4 WAT) – Deeney often slips under the radar when people queue up to doll out criticism. Mainly because nobody really expects him to be any good in the first place. Troy has been proving people wrong for years… but Saturday was not one of those days. He attempted just 25 passes all match and completed a barely credible 11 of them. Spectacularly shite.

Giroud (7.0 CHE) – 1 attempt at goal and just 3 touches in the box… Olivier Giroud may well have the best highlights reel in world football, but he also has 10,000 hours of footage of him on a football pitch standing there and combing his hair. I couldn’t give a toss that he apparently “brings others into play” – or that he’s an “unselfish lover” – he’s not Bobby Firmino is he. A player, who aside from having a set of dentures that could light up a city in a power cut, can actually play as a false 9 and pull defenders out of shape with his ability.

Olivier Giroud is not a very good footballer and there is a reason why he has never nailed down a starting position. For anyone. Ever.

Still… that smoulder…

HM