Premier League (FPL) Team of the Weak - GW One

The Premier League season kicked back off again this weekend, and FPL with it. But not every player smashed it up like Ashley fucking Barnes. The first Hindu Monkey Team of the Weak lays bare those who fell by the trackside.

27 goals were scored in all, but there were also 9 clean sheets. Meaning that most of the rest of the teams defended like absolute morons…

GUNN (4.5 SOU) – The Saints stopper could do nothing for the darling of FPL’s second strike, but he really should have kept out the first. Getting nutmegged from point blank range is one thing, but from the edge of the box quite another. He was also beaten too easily for the Burnley’s third goal in a 12 minute collapse that England’s cricketers would be proud of. If the Saints manager wants to kick on this year, he can't keep leaving his rabbit hutch wide open.

And yes... I will be using jokes like that a lot this season. Get used to it people.

HANLEY (4.0 NOR) – A desperate Premier League debut for the Norwich defence in which they were blown away in a first half of brutal welcoming to the big time. Hanley scored an own goal and was pulled apart throughout by the movement of the Liverpool attack. Steadied the ship slightly in the second half. Although by that stage Liverpool had eased down into third gear and were one step away from playing in slippers and dressing gowns. 

VESTERGAARD (5.0 SOU) – Being the worst defender in a back three which contains Yoshida and Jack Stephens takes some effort. But you can’t miss a long ball over the top, wind or not, and expect not be placed firmly in the TOW.  The inexplicably priced 5m defender was caught out for two of the Burnley goals and also won just 50% of his duels and tackles during the match. To place that in comparison, Tarkowski won 100%.

Jack Stephens didn’t even attempt a tackle the entire match.

How is that guy even employed at this stage…

FREDERICKS (4.5 WHU) – Like shooting fish in a barrel, the Manchester City attack picked off the West Ham defence with such ease that it was hard to know if the back four would even remember their names come the final whistle. Balbuena in particular is highly fortunate not to be in here – but I’ve plumped for Fredericks just because of his blatant disregard to being an actual defender as City continued to pour forward in drones. He spent more time in the opposition final third than his own… which against the best attack in the league… is possibly a touch risky.

ZOUMA (5.0 CHE) – Does anybody think Kurt Zouma is a good player by now? He seems to be one of those guys who clubs keeping wanting to sign, but makes an error almost every match. The guy is just Titus Bramble with less goal threat. Chelsea were blown away by the new old new Manchester United attack and Zouma was left kicking his heels whilst he had to watch Rashford’s race past him.

HOLEBAS (5.0 WAT) – Not booked. Just about the only positive thing that came out of the performance of aging full back Jose Holebas as he was torn a new one by… er… Brighton. The Watford defence never got to grips with the Seagulls all game and paid the price in a 3-0 opening day loss. Now 35 and unable to tackle without hauling down the opposition entirely, Watford could do worse than finding a long term replacement for their loyal Taramasalata. 

FRASER (7.5 BOU) – Fraser touched the ball just 44 times all match on Saturday. He received a pass every 3 minutes. He completed just 25. He attempted just 2 dribbles, failing with both. He had one shot and created one chance, finishing with a BPS baseline of precisely… zero. He was in truth, utterly anonymous… at home to a newly promoted team. If that doesn’t worry his owners, nothing will. But then… this is Bournemouth. The Forest Gump of the Premier League. You never know what you’re going to get.

SISSOKO & LAMELA (5.0/6.0 TOT) – What a terrible player Sissoko is. I don’t care how much he improved last season. I’m not faulting his effort, or his energy, or upper body strength. But with the ball actually at his feet I don’t think there is a single footballer alive I would have less confidence in doing something useful with it. And as for Lamela… playing in the “Eriksen” role before he came on to save the day – he only served to show the Spurs board how letting their Dane go to Madrid would mean a season of creative horseshit from bit part players who aren’t good to start for a top four club. Lamela had 4 dreadful shots off target and created 2 chances in 90 minutes. Eriksen created 4 in 25. 

To be frank it’s like comparing a Blue Persian Cat to a mongrel, lice ridden inbred with three legs and half it’s ear chewed off.

DEULOFEU (6.5 WAT) – A 45-minute heat map which resembles the complexion of an Oil of Ulay advert, a questionably fit Deulofeu was shunted out to the left wing for Watford and was as much use as brake lights on a fucking BMW. Absolute garbage.

JOTA (6.5 WOL) – Who could possibly have predicted that the Wolves attack wouldn’t blow away Leicester in the same manner in which they had a team from the Armenian league? Oh right… the same guy who told you that Ashley Barnes against Southampton was probably a better option? Oh yeah… him. What a plonker! As it was, those who plumped for Diego Jota were left to rue his usual disappearance act when the mood doesn’t quite take him. Creating just a single chance (barely) and touching the ball just 3 times in the opposition penalty area.

Indeed, the combined xG this gameweek of Jimenez and Jota was below that of Rashford, Firmino, Wilson, Barnes, Sharp, Hernandez, Ayew, Pukki and Adams.

Ayew? Lads… take a fucking look at yourselves.

HM

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