Dubravka (NEW 5.0) – A
limp display by Newcastle undid their recent defensive prowess, as West Ham
notched up another victory at the London Stadium. In a weekend of few goals and
barely a howler in site, Dubravka takes his place between the sticks for simply
posting the worst stats. Just two saves, two goals conceded and a yellow card
to boot. Not so much tragic, just irrelevant. The Liberal Democrats of football.
Bardsley (BUR 4.2) – Phil
Bardsley is a terrible football player who has somehow managed to have a long
and mediocre career simply by hanging around and looking like a guard dog. He
is the sort of player who could only ever have had a career at full back – as any
other position would have exposed his inability to pass, cross, shoot or head
the ball. He can tackle… in the way that a pissed up youth from Manor Top can
tackle on a Sunday morning… but beyond that he is an entirely useless entity.
Bamba (CAR 4.7) – 2
goals conceded, booked, completed 9 passes, won a single tackle, got injured. A
45 minute performance akin to opening your bowls after a curry.
Maguire (LEI 5.4) – It
would be fair to say that Slabhead hasn’t really kicked on since the World Cup.
Brendan Rodgers: the Second Coming - got off to the worst possible start here; as
his Leicester team played exactly like one managed by Claude Puel. Maguire was
the worst defender in a back three which included Wes Morgan. His passing was
errant, his positioning wayward and he has kept just 4 clean sheets this
season. Which is less than Huddersfield.
Young (MUN 5.7) – Young
has been a key player the past couple of seasons for United – he has reinvented
himself as a rampaging full back, but this was a game where he was exposed for
the defender he really isn’t. His pass conversion was 90% in the opponents half
and just 70% in his own – which is a farcical stat highlighting that Young was
better in crossing the ball in attack than he was in playing simple passes in
his own half. He continuously handed possession back to Southampton, was lucky
not to concede a penalty and hauled down Ward-Prowse for his where the fuck did
that come from you fucking hound nobody beats fucking De Gea from there free
kick pile driver.
He won a single header and did not make a tackle in the
entire match. The entire match? In a 3-2 end to end thriller? What you doing
Ashley? This isn’t the fucking projects. Your name is your name bro.
Sanchez (MUN 10.0) – It’s
not even comical to insult Sanchez anymore. It feels like picking on the fat
kid at school when he’s soiled himself. At some point you just have to turn
away and get on with your life. Sanchez got injured here and did both himself
and his team a favour. His replacement, the 19 year old Diego Dalot, was better
in 30 minutes than Sanchez has been in 30 games.
He’s a full back.
Almiron (NEW 6.0) – Redefining
anonymous, Almiron’s heat map resembled the complexion of a 15 year old ginger
kid. He touched the ball just 11 times
in the final third, none of which were in the penalty area. He played no
through balls, no crosses, no genuine attacking passes and had a single shot in
the 90 minutes of which he was on the pitch. That he wasn’t substituted
actually felt like an illusion by the end.
Willian (CHE 7.1) – I
really dislike Willian. Not because he’s crap – but because he’s brilliant and
can so rarely be bothered to actually try. How he continues to get in this
Chelsea team when Pedro the energizer bunny warms the bench is beyond me.
Against the might of Fulham’s defence Willian sauntered around like he had
somewhere better to be – completing just one cross and creating a single chance
in 90 minutes. Which was a corner.
Fabinho (LIV 5.5) – For
a player who can only pass sideways – 73% is a terrible success rate. But
perhaps that’s unfair – after all a derby is always a lively affair where
passing tends to go out the window for the blood and thunder of tackles (1),
interceptions (0), clearances (0) and blocks (0).
Some Liverpool fans have been raving about Fabinho this
season – but all I see is Keegan-Michael Key wandering around before he was
famous looking like he’s lost.
Salah (LIV 13.5) – In
the last six matches, Mo Salah has had 53 touches in the box, had 20 attempts
at goal and scored just once. His conversion rate has dipped into “Shane Long” territory.
Whilst this hasn’t mattered at fortress Anfield, it has cost Liverpool wins
away from home where their defence have kept the opposition out time and time
again. Now second in the table, the title is no longer in their own hands and
you suspect it won’t be again – such is the squad depth over in the blue end of
Manchester.
Also, whilst we’re here – can we talk about at what stage
somebody sits down Mo and says look mate… here’s an idea… when you lose possession,
it’s better for the team if you try and win it back… you know… rather than that
fucking hop, skip and a jump thing you keep doing like you’re got fucking Tourette’s.
Aubameyang (ARS 10.9)
– There are few more tragic sites in football than a player coming off the
bench, winning a late penalty… taking it… and missing it. Even if the penalty
decision was softer than a 16 year old boy after 10 seconds of his first shag.
In fact the penalty itself also matched that description…
Happy Hunting
HM
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